Latest / The Shift Podcast / 29. Our Limiting Thoughts

Transcript

29. Our Limiting Thoughts · The Shift Podcast

0:00
Welcome to Frontline. Static A podcast that helps
0:03
bridge the gap between healthcare workers and 1st
0:05
responders. And everything in between.
0:11
We are deep into the months. Of October.
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And I can't wait for the holidays.
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I love the cooler weather. I love.
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Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of those
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holidays that are coming up so. I'm looking forward to
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everything that goes along with that and this week I'm just so
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excited to share with you this interview.
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I get to talk with another life coach who is in the same
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mastermind and has the same business coach as me and we just
0:34
really get a deep dive into. How both?
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Of us got into coaching what it has meant for us.
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We get to talk about. What we provide for.
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Our clients, the limiting thoughts that we have and the
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limiting thoughts that we help our clients with and it's just
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so interesting to see that there are the same things that we're
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teaching as as coaches and how it can affect and we have the
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same problems in both industries and our clients have the same
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problems. With very similar solutions as
1:02
well. So I hope.
1:03
You enjoy this interview with Yan and everything that it has
1:08
to offer in the conversations that we have.
1:15
OKI have a very special guest today.
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I'm so excited to have my first other life coach on.
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She is in the same mastermind program as me and we have the
1:25
same business coach. So let's just start out with you
1:27
introducing yourself. All right.
1:29
Thank you so much for having me. I love being on this podcast
1:32
with you and all of the coaching that you do for the first
1:35
responders. My name is Yan Dang.
1:38
I am a coach who helps women find their confidence and claim
1:42
it in the corporate space. So I work with a lot of women in
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male dominated spaces and I'm so happy to be here today.
1:50
I love that you're on because I've never had another life
1:53
coach and I love that we have the same business coach.
1:57
So we kind of have the same, like, values that we're bringing
2:00
to our clients. But tell me like, we all have
2:03
our stories, right, of how we got into Life Coaching.
2:05
So tell me how you got into it. So I got into it.
2:09
Gosh, it was many years ago, I think it was back in 2015,
2:13
actually. So I was like living abroad.
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I was like living my life. I lived in London and in
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Singapore, and before that I was actually in New York for a
2:23
while. So I had been away from home for
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a long time, and home for me was Chicago.
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Ago and my brothers had started to do some life coaching and
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they started to act so weird. They started expressing like
2:37
anger and other different emotions that were like kind of
2:40
not allowed in our family system.
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So we were all like, where did they go?
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And like, what are they like drinking?
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And so I had like been like stayed away from it for quite a
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while. But I actually came back from
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Singapore. I was totally broken hearted.
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I had a long relationship. With this British man.
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And we totally broke up. And I thought actually maybe I
3:03
can learn something about myself and these patterns that I create
3:05
with men in my life, you know, because I kind of felt like my
3:09
career was going well, but I really couldn't figure out this
3:11
romantic relationship. So.
3:14
So I started doing it. And you know, I've been a
3:17
believer ever since. Yeah, so did.
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How did you get out of it? Like, when you say you started
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doing it, did you hire your own coach?
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Or like, how did you get out of that slump that you were in?
3:26
Yeah, so I actually joined a group coaching program.
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So it was all group coaching and you have like a little bit of a
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one-on-one, but basically it was a curriculum with like weekly
3:36
assignments and they had like sort of courses.
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And the first I think for course was like personal power, all
3:43
about your own personal power, your voice.
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They had assignments like. Displeased with ease, the power
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of silence, like all these different things that you get to
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play with. And then there was sort of
3:54
nourishment and self-care, family systems to figure out,
3:57
you know, your relationships with folks.
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So those were sort of the pillars.
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And then the last one was like purpose, like purpose and like,
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you know, higher values and so. It was all focused on emotions,
4:09
though. So you know, I didn't have a lot
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of language for emotion. And I was, I don't know how old
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is that. I was like in my early 30s then
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I didn't know, you know, how to say like I felt hurt or sad or
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like. It sounds so easy, but when
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you're actually feeling the emotions are overwhelmed by
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them. Having the vocabulary really
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helps me. Yeah, definitely.
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I and I think, like as a society too, it's just hard to express.
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Yeah, it's like, oh, let's call it like, let's have a mental
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health day to say I feel really messed up.
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Looks like, you know, call it something because it's so hard
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to understand what it is. And then I also feel like our
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society has this like, over, like, be positive, you know, be
4:52
happy and like go do things. And, you know, I look at a lot
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of things that I did in my past and it was a lot of like
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escaping pain and not wanting to deal with some of the
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relationships that I had in my life.
5:03
Yeah, and I think that's especially so true for the
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people that I work with because, you know, we totally escape
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negative emotions. I.
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Don't like talk about. We don't want to talk about
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things that we've seen, things that have happened.
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We want to brush it under the rug.
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And and most of most people think that like that's the
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successful way in healthcare too.
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Is that like, let's just brush our feelings under the rug
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because we got to get to the next shift.
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And we got to take care of the next patient and we got to do
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the next thing and then that piles up.
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And then it's no surprise like a lot of people in my industry
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buffer with alcohol and drugs and you know, other things that
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instead of just dealing with their emotion, how is it that
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the corporate people that you work with, how does that part
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of? Showing emotions and having
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emotions kind of really help your clients.
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Yeah, I mean, I for sure, like, I think the corporate world has
6:00
the same with drugs and alcohol and you know, and I had my own
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journey of like, you know. Getting so angry at work and not
6:08
knowing how to express and then it's like let's go have a drink,
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like to try to like dampen the emotions or the fears or the
6:14
feelings that are coming up. But for sure, like when I think
6:17
about, you know, just being in the boardroom with different
6:21
men, different people and just like how anger shows up and how,
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you know, I remember having my own scenarios of like a CEO just
6:30
like yelling and. My ability to stay with myself
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and to soothe myself and to notice my feelings coming up and
6:38
to remind myself like nothing is wrong.
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Like he's really upset about something and he's expressing
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and it's not about you. Like, it really helps me to stay
6:48
in it and stay engaged and to be able to say okay.
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I hear what you're saying and this is my thoughts too, versus
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like totally shutting down and waiting for another senior
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colleague to speak up. So being able to notice my own
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really helps me. The whole space for other
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people's feelings as well. Yeah, I love that.
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And I think that both of the people that we coach, a lot of
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the things that we talk about can cross over.
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So tell me about the people you coach and kind of how you help
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them. Yeah, so I mostly coach
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corporate professionals. I do coach a few entrepreneurs
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and a lot of times with, with both, it's dealing with, you
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know, fears of, you know, not sure what to do next, like a lot
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of distraction. It's probably why I really enjoy
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the mastermind that we're part of, right?
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It really helps us to focus and so I help clients to focus.
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But the other thing on top of that was is also to understand
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themselves and the stories they tell themselves and to really
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get underneath that process. Like what is that story that
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you're? Thinking about yourself and can
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we reality check that and can we test that out and can we have an
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assignment to test that belief. So really challenging these
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limiting thoughts that we have about ourselves, whether we're
8:00
in a corporate role or whether we're leading our own company.
8:03
Yeah, I love that because I I oftentimes think that.
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People think life coaching is all about positive thinking.
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Or they think that like somehow because you're a life coach, you
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have all of your stuff together, Like, you know, you and I can't
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have our own drama and upset everything but.
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So like when it comes to that, what would you say about because
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it's not, I mean it's 5050, right?
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It's not all positive thinking and positive thoughts.
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So what would you say to that part of it when your clients
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come to you and they're like? Well, I'm trying to think
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positive, but I just can't do it.
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Yeah. And I I think that is part like,
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right. It's it's like our thoughts are
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our choices, but we also have feelings.
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And when we keep pretending that our feelings are not valid and
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keep putting positive thought after positive thought, it's
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kind of like putting lipstick on a panger, right?
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It's like this is not what you're expecting.
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And so I always tell clients, start with, and actually I just
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talked to clients today, I'm like, start with the hurt.
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Validate your own hurt. What is that?
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What is the hurt? Telling you what is the data and
9:08
the pain and the hurt, and then consciously choose to create
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that thing that you want, like that longing that you want, that
9:17
yearning that you want that's underneath the hurt, you know
9:19
that, that pleasure that you were missed out on, right?
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How do you take responsibility for your life and create that?
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That, and I also think there's a misconception and what I work
9:31
with a lot, a lot of my plans on is that you can either have a
9:35
good emotion. Or that emotion that they don't
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realize You can coexist with both.
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Like it's okay to be scared and still be confident.
9:47
Yeah, yeah. It's not, you know, like I
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always feel like, you know, when people say that fearless leader,
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you know, I've been called that or we call other people that.
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And I'm like that's not like really true.
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Like any human feels fear and they can feel confident at the
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same time. It's like taking that step and.
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Even having these conflicting yearnings or like, you know,
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wanting this and wanting that, like, I want to be safe, but I
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want to be seen as a leader, right?
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You can still hold those and be like okay.
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Safety comes from what's in and I still yearn for that and I can
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go after that yearning of wanting to be seen and known.
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Yeah. And and I like the concept too.
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And this is kind of what I teach a lot of my clients is that
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whatever that emotion is, that always comes with you because
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like for me, I always feel pressure.
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Like, especially in my job, pressure like is always in the
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front seat with me. And so I always tell them like,
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pressure's driving with me in the car.
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And instead of me trying to like Kick It Out and get it out, I
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just let it chill with me in the car and then I just figure out
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how to make pressure work for me.
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Yeah. Whether it's like giving it a
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roadmap and telling it how to navigate, have me navigate to
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the place now when I feel pressure, that's when I perform
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because I know, I know how to live with it and.
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Collect it. Yeah, and it's like, it serves
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you right. It served your purpose.
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Like I often talk to clients about, you know, what you did,
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served you to get to where you are.
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And it's still a great skill to have where it comes like isn't,
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you know, not as helpful as when you overuse it.
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You know you overuse certain skills and you know you're not
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learning new skills to be able to.
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Be in life. But I I hear you because I I
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have. For me it's fear, right?
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It's like it's like underlying bubbling of fear and insecurity
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and it's like okay well what what can I do?
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How can I how can I use the fear to help me create more security
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for myself to move forward? Yeah, yeah.
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And so when you're having these conversations with people who
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are in the corporate world and do you just work with women or
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do you work with men and women? I work with men and women.
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OK, so when you're having these conversations with people in the
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corporate world and kind of talking to them emotions and
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feeling these emotions, like how has how does coaching really
12:05
kind of help them? Yeah, I think for them, first it
12:08
is for them to notice their feeling and to have a vocabulary
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for it and to understand like, okay, I'm noticing this feeling.
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Nothing has gone wrong first of all, right?
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Because I think sometimes they're like, Oh my God, I had
12:19
all these feelings are all this emotion and it's like.
12:23
You know when you feel overwhelmed or out of control
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because you weren't able to regulate yourself or soothe
12:27
yourself in that moment. But when when they noticed that
12:31
feeling, you know, particularly I love anger for women and and
12:34
for certain men, right? It brings so much certainty and
12:37
clarity and it's like, OK, you were angry.
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What went wrong? And how can you use that emotion
12:43
to get to where, you know you want to be and to, you know, get
12:48
satisfied, right. That emotion of like, satisfy
12:50
like that feels good. And being really specific about
12:53
that, so you know, I always help my clients do that and also to
12:57
notice like who they're with and reality check, you know, what
13:02
they think is happening in the moment, you know, versus what
13:05
they're telling themselves. Yeah, I like that.
13:07
And so like when you work through that with them like
13:11
experiencing those motions and like doing a reality check, how
13:14
does that lead them to be successful than in their job?
13:19
Yeah, you know, I'll give you one example.
13:21
I had one client who kept saying to me, like, I don't understand
13:24
why this person doesn't report to me, even though, like, I keep
13:27
talking to my boss and it's like the same structure and he keeps
13:30
reaffirming it. And I said, yeah, like why don't
13:34
you just ask him, like, ask that clear question, what is the fear
13:37
behind it? Like, why are you creating a
13:39
whole story to justify why this person might not?
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You know, reported to you and it was great.
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Like she was like, yes, I'm going to go do it.
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And then like later that day she texted me and she's like it was
13:50
HR messed up. Like it wasn't like and she had
13:53
been sitting on this for like 2 weeks, you know, like what?
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Like, oh, maybe it's because this he is the son of this
13:59
senior person and this doesn't, you know, And I was like.
14:02
But do you know, like she was not satisfied with the answer,
14:05
which is kind of keeping coming up with her in her own mind.
14:08
So, yeah, yeah. And one thing, like when you
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said that they came up for me, that kind of crosses over from
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my clients is like 2 parts for that, is that I think mine think
14:18
that sometimes they're alone in feeling some of these emotions
14:21
or thoughts. Yeah.
14:23
No one that does what I do ever thinks this or feels this and do
14:28
like I always tell them, what if we could clear our mind up of
14:31
some of these things that we're ruminating about and take action
14:35
on some of the areas that we really want to take action and
14:37
not spend so much time ruminating?
14:40
About Yeah, like noticing and catching your thoughts and
14:44
choosing to take action towards the results, Right?
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Like I. I relate to, like, my clients
14:49
like really being upset about things with people.
14:52
And I'm like, what is it that you want?
14:54
What does satisfaction look like?
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How can you be specific and clear about that?
14:58
Because a lot of times people like, I want support, They're
15:01
like, what does that look like? What does that mean?
15:03
Right? It just sounds like very like a
15:06
big call to action, and people don't know how to react to that
15:09
unless you're specific. Yeah.
15:11
And the specificity also reminds me of like just it simplifies
15:15
it. Yeah, it's very clear, right.
15:17
And somebody could be like, oh, I get what this person wants
15:20
versus, you know, being cloudy and particularly as I work with
15:24
women, right. And sometimes like don't know
15:27
the words to ask for help. You know, it's like we'll just
15:30
do it ourselves. We'll, you know, get by and
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struggle versus when you're a leader, like you don't have time
15:36
for all that. You've got to be clear, get.
15:39
To lay on accountability. And you know, I teach my clients
15:42
to push the anxiety down to people by letting them know what
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it is that you're feeling anxious about.
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Yeah. And I imagine, like, I know I
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felt like this a lot, especially as I have moved into an industry
15:54
that is like predominantly men, is that when I sometimes I've
16:01
had to think about how to say it.
16:04
So I don't come off as being. Like bratty or like overly
16:12
confident? Because I think sometimes it can
16:14
look like that as a woman. So what do you tell your female
16:17
clients who maybe are feeling those things too, as far as,
16:21
like wanting to be themselves but not wanting to be, like too
16:25
pushy or too overbearing? Yeah, I mean, I always think
16:29
it's like feedback, right? Because it's feedback is always
16:33
helpful. But I also think it's important
16:36
for people to try out different flavors because with different
16:39
people, they may not hear the message, right?
16:42
Like, actually somebody asked me about interrupting.
16:44
They're like, you know, I always find it's rude to interrupt.
16:47
But some people's culture is like.
16:49
Actually, you have to interrupt to be heard.
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Like everybody's interrupting each other.
16:53
But another person's culture might be like, no, that's a real
16:56
no, no, we wait and we see. But I I always want my clients
16:59
to be testing and learning. And I've heard it too, right?
17:03
Like people have asked me what was your tone in that e-mail?
17:05
And I'm like, you know, first I feel like the fear and the hurt
17:09
and then I'm like, you know, there wasn't any tone.
17:11
But I'm happy to talk about it. Please give me feedback.
17:14
Like, let me know how you tuck it.
17:16
You know, because they had a reaction and I get to learn from
17:19
this. Yeah, I love that being open and
17:22
testing it. Yeah, because otherwise you kind
17:25
of feel like inauthentic to try to keep trying something.
17:29
But you know, as humans, we get to work with in different, all
17:32
these different environments, right?
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So if I'm going to go into, you know, a room with really
17:37
aggressive men, I'm going to amp up my aggressiveness too,
17:41
because I want to be heard and seen.
17:43
In that group, and the hope is over time, I don't need to amp
17:46
it up so much. It's just part of who I am.
17:49
But we're humans and we get to dial up and down our skills to
17:53
make a difference in whatever environment we're in.
17:55
Yeah, I like that. Like just being dynamic in
17:58
whatever environment we're in and then choosing to dial it up
18:01
or dial it down. Yeah.
18:03
Yeah, I. Remember, like a toolkit, right?
18:05
Like you've got tools. And you don't have to use the
18:07
same tools all the time, right? It's probably better than you
18:09
tend. To be like, sometimes you need
18:11
it sharpened, sometimes you need to.
18:14
Yeah, I like that because I was just thinking when I first got
18:16
into flight, like when I really am in a stressful situation, my
18:21
face like, is. Like, neutral, OK, but neutral
18:26
sometimes cannot look good customer service wise.
18:30
It sometimes need to add a smile to it.
18:31
So I remember my boss bringing me in the office and she's just
18:34
like, sometimes we just need to add a little smile to it though
18:38
you're thinking in your head so that they don't think that
18:41
you're thinking poorly of them. I'm like, oh, that was like
18:44
really good feedback. And from there on, it just like,
18:46
really made me think, like, how could they be right?
18:49
And sometimes I am criticized about things, which was helpful
18:52
for me and my journey of growth. Yeah, that you were open to take
18:56
it too and to be like okay, What can I learn from this versus I
19:00
feel like today I'll do in the corporal world or I don't know
19:03
how it is in your world as well, but people fear to give feedback
19:07
because they don't want it to be used against them.
19:10
So then they just don't really tell people the truth and then
19:13
it's harder to like. Grow right what?
19:16
What are your thoughts about Yeah?
19:18
In my world, feedback is definitely given all the time
19:23
and so it's really learning to be the person who can always
19:27
accept it, like who's willing. And I love this about coaching
19:31
because I always try to think of the both like, you know, who's
19:33
willing to say how are they right.
19:36
Are they not right? And what can I take from it and
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what do I want to leave from it too?
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But always remembering, like there's always something you can
19:44
learn from it. And so being in a world where
19:48
there's constant feedback, but also being the person who's
19:50
always able to be coachable, who is always able to take something
19:55
from it, which is good, it's it's taught me a lot.
19:59
I think as a clinician for sure. And.
20:04
What's like one thing that if you could sum up, you know, with
20:10
all the coaching that you do and all the life coaching you've
20:13
received, that's really helped you, you know, grow and be the
20:17
person that you are right now? You know.
20:21
It, I think it's, it relates to what you were saying, but it's
20:24
like that 50%, right? Whatever situation happens, even
20:28
if I have like a blowout fight with my husband, right, we
20:30
always align to like 50% of responsibility for creating
20:35
that, right? So even if I have a bad
20:37
interaction, you know, somebody doesn't like my tone, there was
20:40
a way that I created the 50%, like I don't have to take 100%
20:44
but I can take my 50%. But I am 100% in terms of my
20:48
satisfaction and going for things in terms of my
20:50
responsibility. But in that scenario like just
20:53
having that 50% allows me to be open to learning and to take
20:58
responsibility for my own actions.
21:00
Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for being on
21:02
Yan. I want to also open it up.
21:04
If someone wants to connect with you and wants to know more about
21:08
your coaching and what you have to offer people in the corporate
21:11
world, where can they find you and how can they connect with
21:13
you? Yeah, find me on LinkedIn.
21:16
I'm often posting there, so it's just YANNDANG.
21:21
So you can find me there. You can also find me on my
21:23
website, asaspire-coaching.co so I'd love to hear from you.
21:29
OK, great. And we'll link all that into
21:31
this bio for this recording too. So perfect.
21:34
Thanks so much for. Helping.
21:36
Well, thanks for being on Yan. I really appreciate it.
21:38
I know that it was exciting for me to have my first life coach
21:41
on here, that we could just talk all of the life coaching thing.
21:45
I love it. Thank you so much for having me.
21:47
And I hope you have a good one. You too.
21:49
OK. Bye.
21:56
If any of you are having these limiting thoughts and you want
21:59
to see if Life Coaching can help you get the results that you
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want in your life, go ahead and book a consult with me and we
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can talk about how we can get you to where you want to be and
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help you with some of these limiting thoughts that you are
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having about yourself. So that's it for this week and I
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look forward to talking with all of you guys next week.
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Bye. I don't know.