Latest / Social In Security / Elegant Wedding Planning and the Art of Restraint | Heather Wiese & Christina Geyer Volpe

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Elegant Wedding Planning and the Art of Restraint | Heather Wiese & Christina Geyer Volpe · Social In Security

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There is an invisible language underneath every interaction you
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have. I've spent my career learning to
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read it. I'm Heather Wiese and this is
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social insecurity, where we get into modern etiquette, luxury
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and the social intelligence that decides how you are received.
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The quiet art of the first impression and the confidence to
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carry yourself anywhere. The rules are real, and they are
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also learnable. Consider this your invitation.
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There is almost no limit anymore to what you can add to a
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wedding. There can be multiple parties
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and dresses, custom everything, installations, content creators,
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elaborate florals, late night experiences, welcome gifts,
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favors at your plate, farewell brunches.
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If you have the resources and you want it, somebody can
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probably make it happen. But I think that creates a much
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more interesting question. And it's something that I get to
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work with my clients on every order.
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It's not simply can I afford this?
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It's does it actually belong here?
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Because having access to everything and knowing which
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things to choose are two very different skills and they
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communicate 2 very different taste levels.
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Sometimes the most elegant decision you can make is
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deciding when you've had enough. My guest today has spent her
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career looking at fashion, design, hospitality and
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everything truly luxury with an editor's eye.
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Christina Geyer Volpe is a former editor in chief here in
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Dallas at Paper City magazine, and she has spent years around
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some of the best names and brands and luxury.
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She sat at tables where luxury is discussed.
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She's been to events that are done to the nines.
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And recently, at 38, she got married herself.
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So she's bride for just a little over six months, and she's here
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today to talk to me about intentionality, restraint,
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what's actually worth the money, what you're communicating with
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your choices, and how to experience elegance with
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whatever budget that you have. It takes a lot of confidence to
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show restraint and make these kind of choices.
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So I think this is a conversation that you are really
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going to enjoy. So I get to introduce you now to
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my friend Christina Guyer Volpe here in my studio.
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We're just going to chit chat and let you listen along.
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Welcome, Christina. I'm so glad you're here.
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Christina and I were having a drink the other day to catch up
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and we were having such a great conversation that I was like,
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OK, we have to do this on the podcast because I know there's
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so many people that want to hear about your experience.
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And I know that your your eye for design, your exposure to
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design and your exposure to all the different people and
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designers and mindsets and behind the scenes editing
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coverage and honestly, like the data that you guys use to make
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decisions. Like all of that gives you such
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a unique perspective that can't help but shape how you make
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personal decisions. So I think following and looking
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at what you make. And when I saw your wedding
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pictures, I was like, oh, gorgeous.
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Oh, so tasteful. Oh, I mean, like it was just one
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after another, which is why we were talking.
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And I was like, I want you and your own words to describe.
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How you got there? And what a pleasure it was,
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because. I think the fact that you
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enjoyed it so much and that you knew how to let yourself enjoy
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it and make that be a priority is the real luxury.
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It was real because we got engaged.
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I was 37. I turned 38 in June.
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So a couple months after the wedding and even though I waited
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a long time to get married for the first time, had the luxury
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of being a little bit older, a little bit wiser.
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And to your point, as an editor and having spent a majority of
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my career covering the world of luxury and design and
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hospitality and fashion and weddings and all of it, I've
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seen so much that going into it, I kind of knew what I wanted and
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I knew what I didn't want. And oddly, it went really back
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to basics. And for me, it was a very
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freeing process. It wasn't always easy.
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I mean, it's playing a wedding at the end of the day and you do
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kind of have to wrestle with the exposure creates a lot of
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awareness and a lot of, you know, false realities about, Oh
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my gosh, how are these people affording to have all these
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things? And how do you actually execute
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something at the degree that I've I've seen both from a
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wedding and an event standpoint, I think that's the other price.
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I had a lot of exposure to events and it made it easy and
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hard all at the same time. And at the end of the day, to
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having a North Star that was guiding me and my husband and
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our families, that was what really feels like us.
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One of the things I, I tell young editors and I was really
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fortunate to have been taught was just because you're exposed
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to a lot of things doesn't always mean that's the life you
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live. Keep 1 foot in reality and 1
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foot in the, you know, the fantasy and the beauty and the
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life that we love to cover. And that I think really came to
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a head with our wedding. I see a lot of people plan these
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over the top. They're beautiful, they're very
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photogenic, probably very fun events.
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But at the end of the day, did they really feel like the
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people? Did it really feel like the
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couple was there in a true intimacy or did it just feel
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overly polished? And that's where I think my
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husband had a real problem. If our wedding felt just like it
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was done for Instagram, he is an authentic person to the bone.
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There's not an inauthentic bone in his body.
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And I think that's why he and I get along so well.
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It made that filtering process that much easier.
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But a huge part was what really feels like us.
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And let's not create an event just for show, just to do what
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everybody else is doing. Let's create this special
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celebration that people feel our love for each other, but also
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our love for them. And it's in general just a
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moment of celebration to all be together, which those times are
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fewer and farther between. We're, you know, the only ones
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that don't have kids. So to give a night off to a lot
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of our friends and family, they're leaving the kids at home
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and spending a night with us to celebrate.
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And that joy is a gift that we get to give to our friends and
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loved ones. So we wanted to make sure it was
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celebrated in a way that felt real.
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So it was. It was a process we did.
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Eight months from getting engaged to the actual wedding,
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which everybody told me like, that's not, that's not enough
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time. Yeah, gosh.
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And I kind of swear I really did eat humble pie to all the
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wedding and event planners. I thought, how hard could it be?
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I planned charity galas. I can do a seating chart and I
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know what florist to call. And then you realize that eight
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months goes by really quickly. I did a lot on the front end by
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myself. But part of that was I really
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know who I am. I know who Drew and I are as a
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couple and was able to make a handful of phone calls and just
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say I just want beautiful white lush florals.
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I don't need to see a million options, just make it look
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beautiful. And here's our budget.
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Similarly, I spent an hour at top tier rentals and looked at
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China and glassware and linens and set the table with the sweet
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woman in the showroom. I didn't spend a lot of time
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dwelling on things. I had a vision in mind, so to
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speak, and that vision was guided by I don't want to look
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back in 20 years and think that anything was trendy.
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I didn't want the wedding to feel bigger than the real reason
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we were all getting together. I didn't want there to be that
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over the top feeling and so. That drove a lot of it.
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There was a restraint that one was driven by.
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I didn't have $1,000,000 to throw at a wedding.
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Most people don't. So it was budget driven, but
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also just driven by the fact that we didn't want anything to
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feel forced or too, you know, distracting from the real reason
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we were there, which was Drew and I celebrating the that we
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have for each other and the fact that we had the privilege and
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joy of getting 115 people in a room together.
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And so with all, you know, going back to the being an editor and
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seeing all the choices, I mean, you know more than anyone what
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all the choices are. There's the basics that are like
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the place settings and, you know, the cocktail napkins or
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maybe menus or your paper. I know it's budget driven, but
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you could choose anything. So at what point do you feel
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like you knew? To.
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To like, pump the brakes, like as a luxury editor, this is
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going from intimacy and a joyous celebration and to just opulence
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that we don't feel like we need. It almost had less to do with
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avoiding opulence. I mean, like we got married at
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the mansion on Turtle Creek, which is a beautiful.
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It's an luxury hotel. I've been to a lot of branded
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events from, you know, Chanel to local retailers in town to, you
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know, major events for Tiffany and company in New York, where
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every inch of the space is branded and every little detail
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is so dowed in. And for a brand that's selling
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something, you want that, right? I got to a point where I
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thought, wow, I don't need to brand every inch of this party
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for it to be beautiful and for people to feel comfortable.
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And I think that that's sometimes wedding planners and
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event planners are really good at right.
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They, they know how to cover every single detail.
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And I think there's a place for that.
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I think in in the experiential marketing world and in branding
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and in branded events for for companies and luxury brands in
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particular, you want that because that is like the
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enriched customer experience that a luxury brand you're
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paying for. But for a wedding, I got to the
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point where I remember our wedding planner was emailing me,
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did you pick out the dance floor that you wanted?
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And do you want to add a monogram to the center of the
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dance floor? And I just kind of autopiloted
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thought, well, that would be great.
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We have monogrammed napkins and we had a monogram on the
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invitation. Then wouldn't that really just
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tie it all together? Then I kind of caught myself and
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I was like, whatever you doing, Like, do you really need to
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spend the extra whatever have your monogram in the middle of
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the dance floor that ultimately people are going to be standing
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on hopefully all night. And I thought, God, no, you
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don't need every inch of the the event to be branded and never
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wanted the day to feel overly stressed, overly programmed.
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And that was something for, you know, I know myself, I'm prone
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to being anxious, I'm prone to worrying, but when it comes to
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my downtime, don't want that. I want to be at leisure and I
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want to enjoy the moment and be present.
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So I also knew, and I made a lot of decisions for the actual day
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of that were about me being able to enjoy the day.
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And that I think is something that no one talks about.
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The three dress changes. Do you know how much time you're
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going to spend in your room getting changed and not with
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your guests? You know, and, and it's no shame
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for people that love clothes. That might be time well spent
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for you. I wanted to be as present as
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possible for as long as possible.
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That day became the wisdom that all of my friends had shared is
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it goes by so fast. You're not going to remember
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talking to anybody. It's it's going to go by in a
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blank. And I kind of challenge that
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assumption. And I was like, I want to
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remember every conversation that I have.
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Half of our guest list came from out of town.
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I want to be able to talk to them and remember it.
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And I don't want to be worried about the run of show and the
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timeline. And at this moment, was I
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meeting my wedding planner to change my clothes and change my
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hair? We didn't do a first look.
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We had to do photos before we hired A photojournalist who I'd
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worked with forever at the an incredible editorial
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photographer because I knew that he was qualified and capable of
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documenting the day in the moment, in real time without
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anything having to be overly posed.
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Yes. And I think surrendering to
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imperfection is really the definition of luxury.
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There's a system in place for a reason.
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You know that dinner is going to get served on time.
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You know you're going to have a first dance.
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You're going to make a speech. But allowing the moments to
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happen in between, that's real life and it just happens to be
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beautiful around you. That to me was real luxury.
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I remember every single second of our wedding, I was so present
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because I wasn't worried. I mean, it rained on our wedding
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day. We had to move our ceremony from
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outdoors to end. I just said, I trust you wedding
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dinner. Let it do.
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Let life happen. And surrendering to that
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imperfection, something I'm not good at in my professional life.
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Oh, yeah, I am a control freak. And when it came to the wedding,
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I thought, the hard part is over.
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I met a guy that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
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Yeah, this is the fun part. Let it be fun.
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I never really imagined myself doing the traditional wedding,
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OK, Until, you know, Drew and I started talking and he said,
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well, I really want to have a first dance and I really want to
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see you walk down the aisle. And then when I started talking
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about the things that matter to me, I was like, well, it's.
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Starting to look like a wedding I.
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Called my friend Julian Lieber is a wedding planner in town and
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he is incredibly talented. He's not the person that I'm
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going to hire for my wedding. And we are very transparent with
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each other about that out of the gate because I, I knew I wasn't
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going to have this $1,000,000 wedding.
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And, and he said to me, here are the few things that you really
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want to focus on your venue, your flowers.
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Here's someone to reach out to that could come on board as a
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wedding planner a few months out and then take everything over
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the day of. Here's what I wouldn't worry
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about. Here are the questions to ask.
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And then he gave me advice, which was don't, don't be afraid
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to accept people's help and don't be afraid to accept the
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generosity that people will extend your way.
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I think what he really meant is allow the passion and the love
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that the vendors that you work with, allow that passion and
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love to, to guide the way and let them take some of the
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control and the worry and the, and the fear or the anxiety or
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the decision making off of your plate.
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Trust the people that you can bring into the fold.
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What I think you nailed that a lot of people could learn from
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if they would, you know, hear that and take the advice is know
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who's good at what they're good at and then let them be good at
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it because that's when the passion shows up.
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When you hire somebody to create a cake that's a little bit not
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what they're great at that you just hired a cake maker because
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you heard a name and then you try to like box them into
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something and and they're not comfortable and the passion
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doesn't come out. But when you hire a designer to
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do what they're good at and then give them your vision and then
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say run with it cuz I know you're really good at it.
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You know, a little bit of approvals is not the same as
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like holding the reins so tight that you hold the animal back.
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A. 100% I, I again, you know this working in a creative
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industry as an editor, I always looked at my job and a lot of
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what I did was producing photo shoots, producing stories,
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bringing things to life with the help of a creative team where
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you're a writer and an editor and an art director and a
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photographer and a stylist and an assistant and hair and makeup
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all having to be on the same page to bring a series of
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beautiful images to life bouts on.
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I was at my most happy as an editor was assembling that team
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and then letting them go to work and getting them a creative
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brief or saying, here's the vision for the shoot.
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Here is the story we're trying to tell.
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Bring it to life. Because there was always this
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really special, unexpected beauty that would come out at
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that thing you didn't plan for. And I think that in a funny way,
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that's how I really went about in hindsight, planning the
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wedding. You cannot get a strong,
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beautiful, creative product if you're holding too tightly.
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You're absolutely right. And so many brides who don't
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have the experience that you've had, they do that, and then they
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wonder why they get a product that they don't love.
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Let people do what they're good at and trust them, give them
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direction. I mean, I did, I did spend, you
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know, a night on Pinterest pulling, you know, few shots of
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what I wanted, you know, how the, the ceremony to look like.
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A few shots of what I, you know, I knew I wanted candlelight.
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I knew I wanted white florals and crystal.
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And so I, I had a visual cue to kind of give the people we
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brought on board. And I think that was really
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helpful when they had to respond to visuals.
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But it was, it was giving a high level brief and not over
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directing and not over controlling.
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It was the only way that we could actually, I think, execute
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the wedding that felt authentic to us.
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Yeah. So how much did Drew have to do
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with the front end? I love that you got together and
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you guys said what was important to you.
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I think that conversation in and of itself had to have been
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essential and I think a lot of people don't do that.
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They just like especially younger brides and grooms, they
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just take off running in like separate directions and then
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they come and we know by the time they get to me they haven't
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agreed on anything so. How?
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Like how did this start? We got engaged in July.
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We were in Maine and we had about a week and a half, two
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weeks after we got engaged. Just enjoy.
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I love that you did that. I think it's so important.
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I think it's an underrated thing that everybody needs to just
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enjoy being engaged for whatever finite period of time.
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I think it's essential. Totally essential, but he I have
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a really clear point of view. And that was kind of how
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honestly it was a great learning experience because what I
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learned about Drew is that he has opinions, but he's a guy.
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And if if I were to sit with him and say, Drew, do you want blue
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or pink or yellow or green for our wedding colors on the
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invitations, Yeah, he'd be like, I don't care.
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But yeah, I were to put a green invitation and a blue invitation
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in front of him. He'd have a strong opinion about
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which one he likes and which one he didn't like.
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Interesting. Yeah.
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But we had a few things along the way that I knew would be
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important to him. I wouldn't ask him open-ended
18:40
questions. I would bring examples and I
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would say, like, which one you like the best and.
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And, you know, and he would tell me what he liked and what he
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didn't like. But there were definitely things
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that he was like, I don't care. Yeah, and it wasn't always easy.
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I think that's really important to you learn things about each
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other, about financial decision making and family dynamics.
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And that's where Drew was such an and is in my life such an
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incredible balance because he's the reality check.
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You know, he's the one that says you don't need to worry and I'm
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going to be OK. And that's part of also being
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able to surrender the process, right, is at the end of the day,
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I walk down the aisle to the guy that I love.
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And that has to stay in perspective, otherwise it goes
19:27
nuts because things go wrong. I mean, things go wrong.
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It just happens. And again, if you're holding too
19:33
tightly, it's so easy to get kind of out of shape about
19:37
things that ultimately in the Graham scheme are not important.
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Drew and I talked a lot about early on after getting engaged
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and talking about the type of wedding we wanted to have is we
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really looked at the wedding not just as something that was about
19:53
us. It was a way for us to say thank
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you to the people who have truly held our hands and carry us
19:59
through life up to this point. And it was really important.
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I get chills talking about it. Drew and I did, which is kind of
20:05
untraditional. Everybody was seated for dinner.
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Drew and I came in and instead of doing the big welcome to the
20:10
dance floor, we, you know, partly entered and we stood in
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the middle of the dance floor with a microphone and we.
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Gave a toast to the people that were there and it was our moment
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to really acknowledge every single person in the room and
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say thank you. Life isn't easy.
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Life gets hard. The older we get, the harder it
20:31
gets. Yeah, So many people in the
20:33
room. We experienced grief together.
20:35
We've experienced joy and loss and happy times and good times
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and bad times. They seen us at our best.
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They've seen us at our worst. And so to have this moment of
20:45
joy and to be able to say thank you for sticking with us along
20:50
the way because without you we could not be here together,
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yeah, was so important. And that's also, I think, for a
20:57
lot of our decision making, Kingprop, it was not about the
21:01
monograms and the stuff. It was about creating a moment
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that was not just one for us, but really fun for everybody.
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I think when you put it in that kind of perspective, it does
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change. It takes a lot of confidence and
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that's something that obviously at 24, you have a little bit
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less in the bucket than you have at 37, right?
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So I think it takes a lot of confidence and experience to
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know, to practice the restraint that looks elegant versus the
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ability to just spend money that looks opulent but maybe not
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tasteful. If you know me, you know that I
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believe details are the point. It's why I founded Belle and
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Vito. For more than 20 years, we have
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designed invitations that introduce life's most
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significant occasions, pieces that are held and kept and
21:55
framed. The quiet art of making an
21:57
impression long before anyone enters the room.
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Today, that same devotion to design extends beyond the
22:04
invitation into a collection of pieces created to bring beauty
22:08
and intention to the way we gather, give, and live.
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discovertheworldofbellandvito@bellandvito.com Live How did you choose elegance
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over opulence? Not just in keeping the the
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focus on the guests, which I think is a big part of it, but
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did you have something that was sort of like your North star of
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things like visually as as far as I choose this over this
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because I want it to look elegant.
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People in general have a hard time articulating their
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definition of taste, and people have a hard time using words to
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describe what they like or what they think is beautiful.
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It's good that that's a. Subjective thing you know, my
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wedding was white florals, candlelight, nothing blaring,
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nothing trendy, nothing over the top catch your eye?
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But that doesn't mean that white only white florals are elegant,
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right? You did have a very elegant
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event and say I want red florals and dark tones, right?
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And so I think finding visual cues is a really important, very
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simple first step. Challenge yourself to take that
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Pinterest board of 500 images and edit it down to three.
23:39
I also, because I had attended and have attended so many
23:43
different events and not just big parties, I've been the very
23:47
fortunate recipient of being a guest in other people's homes.
23:53
I mean, you're a perfect example.
23:54
Some of the most incredible, wonderful, intimate, special
23:57
events that I've been to have been in your house.
23:59
You. Yeah.
24:00
And part of that is, you know, what makes an event feel
24:06
elegant. And sometimes it's the stuff
24:08
that you see. You know, I knew that I wanted
24:10
candlelight as I knew lighting can make something feel elegant
24:17
versus cheap. You're absolutely right and
24:19
people miss that detail. So I knew that was going to be a
24:22
biggie. I kind of knew that with the
24:25
candlelight, having some sort of cut crystal on the table would
24:31
help with sparkle. That kind of twinkly, you know,
24:34
dinner party of my childhood. There are just elements like 2
24:38
to 3 elements that make all the difference in the world we had.
24:42
Satin ribbon guide in a big floppy bow at the end of every
24:46
other chair in the in the ceremony space.
24:50
Little things like that that felt blacks.
24:52
But we're not going to break the budget.
24:54
And again, some of that was reference that I had from
24:56
childhood. Some of it was the beauty of
24:58
having been a guest in other people's homes and other
25:02
people's events. And, you know, I, I will say the
25:07
story that kept coming to mind when I was planning my wedding,
25:11
when I worked at the Dallas Morning News, we launched my
25:13
magazine. Yeah.
25:16
And one of the first people we talked to and and I talked to
25:19
when we were launching that magazine was Steve Ruble.
25:23
He's more than a wedding photographer.
25:24
Like, he shoots events in weddings as well.
25:26
And we were like, Steve, what what do we need to put in this
25:29
magazine? And you're going to do any
25:31
article. And I'll never forget this
25:32
conversation. He said, you know, the one thing
25:35
people don't talk about is how the reversal dinner is actually
25:39
the more fun of the two nights for the bride and the groom.
25:43
The rehearsal dinner was where people had a good time.
25:47
They drank, they get toast, they gave speeches.
25:50
There was real emotion. People were intimate around a
25:53
table together. And we did a whole article in
25:58
that debut issue of Empty Love about why the wedding should
26:02
feel like the rehearsal dinner. And in hindsight, I think that
26:05
stuck with me. There was an intimacy that we
26:07
wanted in our way and we didn't want the flowers to deter from
26:11
the conversation that would happen across the table.
26:14
We didn't want the ostentatiousness of the stuff to
26:19
distract from the human to human connections.
26:22
I love that. And that I think is again to the
26:25
point of what is it really all about?
26:27
It's luxury is the time that you have with the people that you
26:31
love. You don't get that back.
26:33
Money can't buy it. It's true.
26:35
And that's what we created was a moment for that to.
26:39
Happen in a way that was beautiful.
26:41
So what I'm curious about is what did you edit out that you
26:48
feel like really contributed to a the elegance and B your
26:53
personal enjoyment and C the enjoyment?
26:55
Of your guests, there are a lot. Of things that we didn't, we
26:58
didn't have and that we didn't want.
27:00
We didn't have a videographer. We bought one of those Camp Snap
27:05
old school video cameras and I gave it to my brother and his
27:10
friend Chris, who's a part of our family, let it pass around
27:13
throughout the day. And that's our wedding video.
27:15
We didn't have, you know you nowadays you can have a
27:19
videographer and a content creator and your photographer
27:22
shows up with six assistants to capture every little detail.
27:26
We did not have the army of content creators.
27:29
You had Steven Biznu and he was responsible to capture the
27:35
photography of the night, and I think part of that contributed
27:39
to the elegance. I didn't do a second dress.
27:42
I didn't splurge on my wedding wardrobe.
27:45
If I could go back I would delete Instagram and TikTok and
27:49
not go on social media at all. While you were engaged.
27:52
The algorithm throws everything at you.
27:55
I mean 6 outfits and a 12 step skin care routine that starts 12
27:59
months before the wedding. And if you don't get this spray
28:02
tan, you're going to look horrible in your photos.
28:04
And if you don't do this, full glam all of these.
28:06
Things. And that gets in your head,
28:08
doesn't it? Completely, yeah.
28:10
I never get a spray tan. I found myself Googling spray
28:14
tans because I thought well I need it.
28:17
Do I really? Will I look like my soul?
28:19
And then what could go wrong? Will my dress have orange things
28:22
on it? I don't know.
28:24
Like, yeah. Wedding wardrobe, My gosh,
28:26
that's the whole thing. It's the rehearsal and you're
28:30
getting ready outfit and you know, there's of course the
28:34
dress, there's the after party dress and the after after party
28:38
dress and all the pajamas. Did you get matching pajamas for
28:40
all of your bridesmaids and all of that?
28:42
I mean, the wedding wardrobe. And that was one thing that
28:45
Julian was really funny about when we had coffee before we
28:48
started, he said the one thing that can get really expensive is
28:53
all the clothes that you could possibly need for your wedding.
28:57
That's where I'm seeing a lot of brides spend a lot of money.
29:00
Interesting. And, you know, I bought the
29:02
dress and the rest. I think I bought what I wore to
29:05
the rehearsal dinner a few days before I went to Nordstrom and
29:09
found something I was not overly concerned about that I I cared
29:14
about what I was going to wear walking down the aisle and at
29:16
the wedding. And that's kind of it.
29:19
You know, we at the last minute decided we did not.
29:22
This was, I would say, a really unique choice that I think
29:27
perhaps brides, maybe grooms struggle with.
29:31
I wrestled with music that's a a part of the wedding that can get
29:35
really expensive really quickly, I bet.
29:37
Yeah, the live band, to get a good live band can cost a lot of
29:41
money. So we knew for the after party
29:43
we were fine with just a DJ. But then the question of
29:46
ceremony music came up. Well, do I really see myself
29:50
walking down the aisle to, you know, a string quartet?
29:54
Well, string quartets also not cheap.
29:56
But what do you do for, you know, there are a lot of
29:58
components where you need music, and that add up really quickly.
30:02
We made the decision to just do recorded music for the whole
30:05
thing. And I walk.
30:08
I surprised Drew to the song. I walk down the aisle to hear.
30:10
No. Yeah.
30:11
Yeah, sweet thing by Van Morrison, but what was fun is
30:15
the beauty of having AT JS at the kind of the last minute we
30:18
decided we changed the song that we bought the recessional music
30:23
and I think we were going to walk down to time waited by mind
30:27
warming jacket, which a really like slow sweet love song.
30:30
So good wedding song and Drew and I one night we were putting
30:34
our list together of songs for the TJ like no, shouldn't we
30:38
walk and exit the ceremony? Something a little bit more like
30:42
fun. What about a town called Malice,
30:45
which is like kind of British rock song that Drew's involved
30:49
with the soccer club in England. Bass.
30:52
They're like team song and he's like, Oh my gosh, yes.
30:54
So it was you may now kiss the bride and that theorem called
30:57
malice comes on and it was really fun and set the tone.
31:00
So there were little things like that, choices we made where we
31:02
kind of said Buck convention, and we're not going to do
31:06
something just because it feels elegant.
31:08
Do it because it feels like us. The wedding traditionalists
31:11
would say, well, how could you walk down the aisle to anything
31:13
other than Canon? Indeed.
31:14
I love that you have this fantastic balance of like,
31:18
knowing when to buck the system and knowing when to stay the
31:22
course. Part of it is knowing who you
31:25
are and I5 years ago would not have been able to say, yeah, I
31:30
really know myself well enough to know and have the confidence
31:33
to say I want really elegant wedding over here.
31:36
But I also want like, some really, you know, raunchy rat
31:42
music played at the dancing portion of the party.
31:47
And, you know, and so there really was this balance.
31:49
It was real and it was human. And it felt like us at the end
31:52
of the day. I think that's also part of the
31:55
real luxury now is not taking yourself too seriously.
32:00
I think you're right. I think that's a really good
32:01
point. And not being overly polished,
32:04
overly performative and overly perfect.
32:08
You know, we live in this Instagram world and everything
32:12
you see is edited and curated to AT in our personal lives, and
32:19
that's just not reality. It's not.
32:21
Yeah, that's true. And again, allowing that
32:24
silliness, there was a lot of silliness in our wedding.
32:27
We and I have talked about just spirituality and, and you know,
32:32
the, the positivity and being in gratitude and, and silliness
32:38
really is it's an energy lifter and to, to keep yourself from
32:43
that and in the name of some sort of etiquette or elegance is
32:46
missing the point of etiquette and elegance.
32:48
Being able to walk into a room with a truly open heart and look
32:53
the people around you in the eye and just say I'm here and this
32:56
is who I am and we're all going to have a great time.
33:00
That to me is real luxury, real elegance, how you show up in the
33:04
world. We could have had a wedding that
33:06
was a completely different taste level or completely different
33:09
aesthetic. This shown up with the same
33:12
gratitude and joy and and humility and silliness and
33:16
really authenticity. I.
33:18
Was telling you I, you know, we've had some other interviews
33:21
and just like literally something that's come up in
33:23
every interview I've done probably the last five is that
33:29
elegance luxury, the kind that really people gravitate toward.
33:35
It's an energy. It's yes, it's making good
33:38
choices. We're not negating the fact
33:40
that, but some level there's an execution to learn how to do,
33:46
but that doesn't equate to expense and it doesn't equate to
33:50
a certain color or a trend. It really equates to giving
33:55
yourself the education it takes to calm, be confident in your
34:00
choices because now you know, and make those choices in a way
34:05
that makes other people feel comfortable.
34:07
I think that's kind of the formula, yeah.
34:09
And understanding too, that sometimes what looks great isn't
34:15
always comfortable. And oddly, this is so rain.
34:18
It's so true. And I think that English do a
34:21
really good job of balancing comfort with formality.
34:26
We have the privilege of spending time in London and
34:30
outside of London. Everywhere you go, whether it's
34:34
a pub that is kind of the Everyman pub or a five star
34:38
restaurant, a five star hotel or a two star hotel, there's a
34:42
level of just grace, presence and and loveliness I think we'll
34:47
show up with. And I think it's also in how
34:50
they decorate their homes and how they decorate their spaces.
34:54
And to my point, it's the most beautiful over the top things
34:57
are not always comfortable. They're not all you know.
35:00
That napkin might look really cool, but how does it feel,
35:04
right, you know? The.
35:07
The florals might be over the top and Denning when you walk in
35:11
the room, but can you see the person across the table?
35:14
You know, when we really go back to basics, I mean, think about
35:17
how would I want someone to feel when they come into my home?
35:20
Were they welcome? Did they have a comfortable
35:22
place to sit? Did they have something to
35:24
drink? Did they have a good meal?
35:27
Did they laugh? Did they have a quality
35:29
experience that has nothing to do with how much you spent?
35:33
And to your point, like, there are little rules of etiquette
35:36
that help guide that, but it's really about how people feel and
35:40
what they touch and what they. All of the five slices I think
35:44
are so important. You said something that really
35:46
stuck with me the other night, which is don't pull back in
35:51
celebrating. I'm, you know, I'm on the older
35:54
side for getting married for the first time.
35:56
And there was a moment of worry of like.
35:59
Gosh. Is it silly of me as a 30
36:02
something year old woman to go down the aisle in a giant dress,
36:06
big train in the long cathedral style Bale like I'm not 25?
36:10
This is silly. And I thought no.
36:13
No. If this feels right, own the
36:16
moment, celebrate that sisterhood with the women around
36:19
you and set that example for the, you know, the little flower
36:22
girls. Doesn't matter if you're getting
36:25
married and you're 60 or you're 30 or you're 20.
36:28
Like we should own and celebrate these.
36:31
Moments. You're right.
36:32
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
36:34
So we end every social insecurity with the social
36:38
insecurity question, which is there's always a tell, right?
36:42
When you, especially as an editor, you see somebody trying
36:45
to fit in. So I don't know if it's a bride.
36:48
I don't know if it's just somebody who is trying to walk
36:52
into an event or maybe host an event and they don't know what
36:58
they don't know. There's always a tell.
37:00
So do you have anything that you've seen as an editor that
37:04
you go and obviously we're not calling out people.
37:07
This is for the benefit of someone learning and not being
37:10
that person. What's a tell that you see where
37:13
someone you can tell that they're trying to host in a way
37:17
that is elegant, but they maybe just they're missing it and they
37:20
don't know what they don't know I.
37:22
Think there are two things OK, I think the first tell is when
37:28
something is overproduced but lacking her feeling.
37:34
I've been to a. Lot of really beautiful events,
37:37
dinners in people's home where the food is over the top, the
37:40
decor is over the top. It's stunning.
37:43
But you could tell that the host didn't really think about who's
37:47
sitting next to who. Are they comfortable and I at
37:51
ease? Is the host running around try
37:54
and orchestrate things and worried and anxious and agitated
37:57
or are they enjoying the event? That's a good one, yeah.
38:00
I think that that's a big one. You can tell when 100% of the
38:04
emphasis was put on making it look perfect as opposed to how
38:10
are people going to feel when they show up?
38:13
Not just physical creature comfort wise, but energy wise.
38:17
Will they feel at ease? Just space accommodate good
38:20
conversation? Are they going to know a few
38:23
people in the room? I think I and as an editor and a
38:27
writer I tell writers a lot. Don't be self indulgent.
38:31
Your writing is for your audience.
38:34
You're in service of your reader and I think the best post and
38:38
the best people of grace in general, they're always thinking
38:43
about other and the experience of other before they're thinking
38:47
about, you know, oh, is is this going to make me look?
38:50
Good. That's a great illustration.
38:51
It's a great way to put that. I think in that same vein, you
38:56
can always tell the difference between the people that have it
38:58
and the people that don't. Then how they treat others.
39:02
Kindness. It's so cliche, but some of the
39:06
most successful, most affluent, most brilliant human beings I
39:11
know are also the kindest and would treat a stranger walking
39:17
down the street the same as they would treat, you know, the
39:20
high-powered business associate that they need to have a
39:23
relationship with or the person they're trying to ask.
39:26
They. You know, I think about, you
39:29
know, Drew's a really great example of this.
39:32
He does not care where you come from or who you are.
39:35
He's going to treat you with kindness and respect and
39:40
friendship. Wouldn't matter who you are,
39:43
where you come from. I, I try to do that, but you see
39:46
it all the time in restaurants. You see when someone's not
39:52
willing to give the hosts or the, the wait staff eye contact
39:57
or the time of day. And usually that's kind of the
40:01
tell of I'm trying to come off as important and successful and
40:05
right. But.
40:07
Really deep down I'm probably not that confident or, you know,
40:10
trying too hard that and that can come off as being rude and
40:14
being mean. And I think just the humility of
40:17
treating everybody with kindness and dignity is the most
40:22
important part. It's how you treat the person.
40:24
Starbucks or TSA Pre-check I think is the towel of a really
40:29
whole person. It is.
40:30
I think so too. There was that the very first
40:33
episode we did, Janet Bartucci talked about gravitas and she
40:36
talked about people who had it also had this innate.
40:41
I don't know if. Humility is the right word, but
40:43
ability to be kind and patient and gracious with literally
40:48
everyone. People that I think the average
40:50
person would go, that person's either talking to you too long
40:54
or whatever, but this, I think someone who's been there and has
40:59
that kind of energy, that kind of confidence is willing to just
41:04
wait it out and be kind because that person's worth it too.
41:09
Yeah. And again, it's kind of the
41:11
great equalizer. We are all on our own journeys.
41:14
We are all cramped for time and attention and we all have hard
41:20
stuff we're dealing with behind the scenes, whether you've got
41:23
$1,000,000 in the bank or $5 in the bank.
41:27
And it's, you know, that self-awareness to say my time
41:32
and my attention is not more important than this other
41:35
person's time and attention. And if I greet them the kindness
41:40
and curiosity and interest, they're going to greet me with
41:44
that same respect. Kindness is a luxury that is
41:50
taught to people who know how to be confident.
41:52
People. I feel so strongly about that,
41:55
that the most successful people are the ones that can do that in
41:59
a very simple, unforced mm. Hmm.
42:03
So true. This was a great discussion,
42:06
thank you so much. Thank you.
42:10
That was Social insecurity with Heather Wiese.
42:14
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