Latest / The Action Catalyst / REMASTERED: Expectation Hangover, with Christine Hassler (Mindset, Self-Improvement, Personal Development, Growth)

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REMASTERED: Expectation Hangover, with Christine Hassler (Mindset, Self-Improvement, Personal Development, Growth) · The Action Catalyst

• 0:29
  Host: Christine Hassler is a life coach with a counseling
• 0:32
  emphasis known for catalyzing radical self reflection, but
• 0:37
  also while offering practical direction, she has really
• 0:40
  created this roadmap for life and for people of all ages,
• 0:43
  which is kind of about self discovery, self acceptance, self
• 0:47
  forgiveness and clarity. And she is a cum laude graduate of
• 0:51
  Northwestern University, and she also has her master's degree in
• 0:55
  spiritual psychology from the University of Santa Monica. Her
• 1:00
  book is called Expectation Hangover, Overcoming
• 1:03
  Disappointment in Work, Love and Life, and it's really the
• 1:07
  guidebook for how to treat disappointment on the emotional,
• 1:09
  mental, behavioral and spiritual levels. And so Christine, it's
• 1:14
  great to meet you. Thank you for being on the show.
• 1:16
  Christine Hassler: Oh, I'm equally as excited. Thanks for
• 1:18
  having me.
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  Host: So can you clarify, like, what exactly is an expectation
• 1:22
  hangover, and how did you kind of come up with that term?
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  Christine Hassler: Yeah. We may love the phrase, but we don't
• 1:28
  like having them. I came up with it after having so many of my
• 1:31
  own. And basically it's when it's disappointment, but how I
• 1:34
  break it down, it's when one of three things happen, either the
• 1:37
  desired outcome or plan or result that you work so hard for
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  doesn't happen. Things don't turn out the way you planned. Or
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  you get the goal, you have the result, but you don't have the
• 1:46
  feelings you thought you would have from it, like you get this
• 1:49
  great job, and then you're like, Wait, where's the pot of gold at
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  the end of the rainbow? Where's the happiness? Or life just
• 1:54
  totally throws you an unexpected curve ball. You lose a job, you
• 1:57
  get sick, someone dies. You know those kind of unexpected curve
• 2:00
  balls. So what I noticed about expectation hangovers is that
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  they are similar to hangover symptoms from alcohol, in the
• 2:08
  sense that your head is hurting, maybe not physically, but all
• 2:12
  the thoughts and thinking and obsessing that happens when we
• 2:14
  have an expectation hangover, we just get really in our head. We
• 2:17
  lack motivation. There's a sense of regret. We're spinning and
• 2:20
  confusion. It's just a feeling we want to get over. And people
• 2:24
  really just want to get out of disappointment, and they'll do
• 2:27
  anything to basically not feel it. And what I notice is that
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  most people use coping mechanisms that involve
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  suppression and numbing, anything from drugs and alcohol
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  to overworking really super being busy looking for the next
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  best thing. Even in kind of the personal growth community,
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  there's something called a spiritual bypass, where people
• 2:46
  just try to jump to the silver lining or meditate their way out
• 2:49
  of it, and don't really feel what's happening. And I'm really
• 2:52
  passionate about helping people leverage disappointment, because
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  when we talk about disappointment and change, those
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  things are the catalysts that create the most personal growth
• 3:02
  inside of us. You know, most people have their biggest leaps
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  when it comes to growth when something kind of surprising or
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  bad happens, that's usually what motivates us to do the work that
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  really changes our life. And I've noticed that the most
• 3:16
  suffering people have is when their expectations don't meet
• 3:18
  their reality. But there's a real healing opportunity inside
• 3:21
  of that.
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  Host: Do you tend to find that the disappointments that we
• 3:25
  have, are they based on expectations that usually come
• 3:28
  from the outside, that people put on us? Or are you talking
• 3:32
  more about expectations that we have, that we created for
• 3:35
  ourselves and then things not living up to them?
• 3:38
  Christine Hassler: It's absolutely both. You know, we
• 3:39
  have the double whammy of expectations, all the societal
• 3:42
  things and checklists that we buy into in terms of our belief
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  system, and then this incredible pressure we put on ourselves. I
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  noticed that people, especially really intelligent, successful
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  people, they motivate themselves by being hard on themselves and
• 3:56
  placing massive expectations. And the tricky, kind of sneaky
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  thing about that is, it works, you know, like I used to
• 4:02
  motivate myself by being very hard on myself, and I kind of
• 4:05
  didn't even realize it, you know. And I'm not talking about
• 4:07
  being hard on yourself, like you're a loser, you suck, like
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  it's not doesn't have to be that severe, subtle, like you could
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  have done that better, or your friends more successful. Or, why
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  did you say that? You know, just these subtle things that are
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  this critical voice inside of us, and it's effective. You
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  know, we get things done that way, but we have these massive
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  expectations and standards that A, we may not live up to, and B,
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  once we do live up to them, then we consistently keep raising the
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  bar. And so when is enough enough? Like, when are we there?
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  When do we finally accept ourselves as enough? And that's
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  the problem we run into when we live a life driven by
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  expectations versus values and vision and really accepting and
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  acknowledge our acknowledging ourselves for who we are and the
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  unique impact we're here to make.
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  Host: How do you balance that? Is there a middle ground that is
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  kind of what we're seeking? Or is it something different than
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  that?
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  Christine Hassler: Yes, so both complacency and overdoing come
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  from a place of sort of lack of self love and insecurity and
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  trying to compensate for something and not feeling enough
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  in some way. You know, we put these high driving standards on
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  ourselves because, on some level, we don't feel like we are
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  enough and we have something to prove. And on the opposite end
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  of the coin, like when we are get complacent and like we stop
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  doing. Then again, that's coming from a feeling of like not not
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  feeling enough or worthy enough of pursuing our own dreams. So
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  at the root of this, really, is our relationship with ourselves
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  and how we perceive the world, and how we perceive ourselves in
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  that world. So what it comes down to, in terms of that middle
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  point, is really investigating, you know, how do we define
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  success like, what's our definition of success? Is it
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  externally based, or do we have a definition that's more
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  intrinsic? And the biggest thing from expectation hangovers that
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  I've learned is that it reorientates people, myself
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  included, from an outside in perspective to an inside out
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  perspective. We start to realize that coming from our own values,
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  our own, what I call superpowers rather than expectations, is not
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  only more balanced way to live, but it just feels a whole heck
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  of a lot better. So it's more of a reorientation and a pivot in
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  terms of how we perceive our life and how we take action than
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  it is trying to balance between the two I love that, you know,
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  we're so destination, obsessed in our world and getting there,
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  and it's like, actually, what we truly, you know, enjoy the most,
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  if we allow ourselves and stop putting so much pressure on
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  ourselves, is the process and what we learn about ourselves
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  and the qualities that come out of us while, while we do things
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  and and, you know, the feel, because we think We're after
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  form, but what we're really after is essence. We're chasing
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  feeling more than we are outcome. But because we kind of
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  don't know that, and because our society, or even our educational
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  system, is so goal based, we lose connection with that. How
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  do you want to feel? Let's not worry about the form. You know,
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  the universe, God, whatever your spiritual belief system. It
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  will, it will take care of that. But if you really focus on the
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  feeling of what you want to experience in life, and get an
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  energetic alignment with that feeling, then the form takes
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  care of itself. I mean, it's people all ask me all the time,
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  like, how I've built my career, and it's truly been, you know,
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  the work I've done on myself and being really clear about my
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  values and what I want to feel, and looking at the things that
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  have gotten in my way, limiting beliefs that don't work ways
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  I've tried to compensate. You know, in the book, I talk a lot
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  about compensatory strategies, and my biggest one was, as I
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  mentioned, overachieving. And the reason why that developed is
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  because I was teased and bullied a lot as a kid. I had this this
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  belief that I was unlikable in some way, something was wrong
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  with me. So my life was about proving myself, and that was
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  great. You know, as a straight A student, went to great college,
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  moved out to Hollywood, because if you're insecure, you move out
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  to Hollywood and have this really successful career at a
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  young age, was making all this money. And like, it was like,
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  when does a happy feeling come in? When does a confident
• 8:00
  feeling come in. And I had a in a year, I had a lot of very
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  severe things happen, where I ended up on my knees, kind of
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  just going, like, what, what do I do? And had what I call a
• 8:11
  spiritual awakening that wasn't like super it wasn't like this,
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  like angels coming down, or anything like that. It was just
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  this internal realization of, wow, like all the things I'm
• 8:21
  looking for on the outside, could they possibly be inside of
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  me? That was when I, you know, had the pivot. So I think it's
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  just like we get So sort of hypnotized by the way we've been
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  conditioned. And to me, the process of awakening is really
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  about looking at our programming. Because the great
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  thing about our brain is it's totally malleable, and we have
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  the potential to change it, and to do that, we have to change
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  our thoughts, and we have to change our perception. And I
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  love one of the definitions of a miracle. It's a change in
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  perception. So even if you're in an expectation hangover right
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  now, are you willing to bring a miracle mind to it by just
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  changing how you look at it?
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  Host: Alright, so I want to go back to overcoming
• 9:01
  disappointment for a second. How do we overcome those
• 9:03
  disappointments when they do happen?
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  Christine Hassler: Yeah, absolutely, you're going to be
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  disappointed, because you are human. We all are human. And the
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  thing about the human experience is we learn through contrast.
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  That is totally how we learn. And I think that people try to
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  avoid, sort of the dark, the disappointment. And I'm all
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  about leveraging it and milking it. I remember when I was going
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  through my divorce, one of my coaches said to me, Christine,
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  milk this for all it's worth. Don't just try to get over it,
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  like, really go in because there's there's gold here. And
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  that was that was really true. And with so much of the work in
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  terms of what became expectation hangover, because it wasn't just
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  about healing from the disappointment of the divorce,
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  it was everything that that triggered inside of me, and that
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  was one of the biggest growth opportunities of my life. And so
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  the first thing to answer your question is to move into
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  acceptance of it, rather than resisting it, rather than
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  judging it, rather than trying to control it, rather than
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  trying to change it, accept what is I love a quote from Byron
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  Katie, I might be paraphrasing a bit. But it goes basically
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  something like, when you argue with reality, you only lose 100%
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  of the time. So acceptance is, is not about, Oh, I love it, and
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  I have to, you know, have this positive attitude about it. I'm
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  not about that, but just going into, all right, this isn't
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  ideal, but I'm going to stop fighting. I'm going to accept
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  it. And then after acceptance, you move into really letting
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  yourself heal and feel on the emotional level. And I'm sort of
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  kind of taking you on a little tour of the treatment plan in
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  the book, because this is the order that I go in. And what
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  I've realized in my own life and working with 1000s of people at
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  this point, is people don't like to feel like to feel good. We
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  like to avoid the feelings of shame, of anger, of hurt, and
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  it's important to feel that emotion is energy in motion. So
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  when we suppress emotion, it's like trying to keep a beach ball
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  underwater. You know, you can keep it down for a while, but
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  eventually it pops up. And it might pop up in the forms of
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  irritability or a health concern or like not being able to access
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  your intuition, or whatever it may be like that suppressed
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  emotion is not good for us, mentally or physically. And so,
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  you know, I teach in the book How to release emotion rather
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  than recycle it, because most of us don't learn know how to
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  process our feelings. We tend to judge it, analyze it, want them
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  to go away. And there's ways to release emotion where you find a
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  place inside of you that's having the emotion, and you also
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  find a place where you have compassion and you just allow
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  yourself to feel without any judgment. There's actually a
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  process in the book called a temper tantrum technique, where
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  I'm sure you've seen a child have a temper tantrum. And the
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  thing is, children know how to feel, so if a kid gets upset,
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  like you'll see they get upset, they start to cry, then they may
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  be yelling and screaming, kicking, and then they kind of
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  start to whimper, and they kind of go into that, you know, and
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  then they start to slow down, and then they may rock a little
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  bit, and they start to soothe themselves, and then they want
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  ice cream, and then they're fine. They know how to ride the
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  wave of emotions. And as young people and our parents, you
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  know, did the best they could, but our emotions were kind of
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  interrupted. We were told, shake it off, big boys, don't cry. Or
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  we were like, soothes with food or something like that. And
• 12:02
  then, you know, later in life, we try to soothe our emotions by
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  eating. So we found these kind of ways to suppress and as
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  adults, we have to look at all, right, how do I really release
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  my emotion? And so, you know, I basically teach you how to have
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  an adult version of a temper tantrum, so that you get the
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  emotion up and out. And there's also other techniques, writing
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  techniques and things like that, but the key is let yourself feel
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  without judgment. And this isn't about identifying with your
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  feelings. This isn't about sitting around and being a
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  victim, victim. Thinking gets us nowhere when we're like, why did
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  this happen to me and my life is so hard? It's not about feeling
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  sorry for ourselves. Sympathy and empathy are very different.
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  Sympathy has pity on it. Empathy and compassion has love and
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  forgiveness and understanding on it. So compassion, if we look at
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  the word, I'm well into the meanings of words. So passion
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  actually means suffering, and CO means with so it's really being
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  with suffering. It's the difference. And we can do this
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  with other people too. It's like how we, you know, in my work
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  with people, when I work with them on the emotional level, if
• 13:01
  they're experiencing emotion, I don't console them, I don't try
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  to fix them, I don't go in and offer them advice. I just hold
• 13:07
  this loving, compassionate space for them to feel with no
• 13:11
  judgment. And learning how to do that for ourselves is key to
• 13:17
  really overcoming disappointment, because we've
• 13:20
  got to move through the feeling part.
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  Host: What are some of the common, like, emotional mistakes
• 13:25
  that you see people making over and over again?
• 13:28
  Christine Hassler: Yeah, so one I briefly mentioned, which is
• 13:31
  the victim being a victim. This happened to me. The world
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  happens to me. Like, I'm not going to get through that like
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  and identifying with it. And it even can be subtle, but it's
• 13:40
  sort of like allowing the emotional level to get to that
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  place of just kind of feeling sorry for yourself and losing
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  hope and losing faith, because that's that's really paralyzing.
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  And the other one, in terms of the other extreme too, is being
• 13:53
  strong, like I'm not going to feel I'm fine, like I'm just
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  going to push my way through that. And what that does is it
• 13:59
  perpetuates what we talked about a little bit earlier in terms of
• 14:02
  that inner critic, like, when we don't allow ourselves to feel
• 14:05
  we're denying ourselves the truth of our experience, and
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  again, like, in some ways, that's rewarded. Like, how many
• 14:11
  times have we heard, Oh, you're so strong and being strong is
• 14:14
  overrated? You know, I'm a big fan of Renee Brown's work on
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  vulnerability. You know, vulnerability is not weakness.
• 14:19
  It's authenticity. It's being real. It's like, this is really
• 14:23
  what's happening to me, and this is what you know, I'm willing to
• 14:27
  learn from it. So that doesn't work. And then distractions,
• 14:31
  like distracting ourselves from it, and in the ways I mentioned
• 14:34
  earlier, in terms of I'm going to overwork or I'm going to
• 14:36
  watch too much TV, I'm just going to numb it out. I'm going
• 14:39
  to drink more eat or whatever it may be. And then another thing
• 14:42
  is to the kind of like spiritual bypass and pep talk thing, you
• 14:46
  know, trying to get to whatever I'm learning and I'm growing,
• 14:49
  and it's all fine. And it's sort of like being strong with sort
• 14:51
  of like this positive attitude. And again, that gets rewarded as
• 14:54
  well. And the key to all this is just not allowing ourselves the
• 14:58
  authenticity of our. Experience and the truth to feel and know.
• 15:01
  When I do retreats, can I take people to beautiful destinations
• 15:05
  and help them overcome their disappointment? Because I'm
• 15:07
  like, Well, if I can take them to like Costa Rica, maybe
• 15:09
  they'll be willing to deal with some things in a beautiful
• 15:12
  environment. And the biggest thing I see is just people you
• 15:15
  know, are scared. They're just scared to feel. And if we don't
• 15:19
  feel and the emotional levels is the first part of the treatment
• 15:22
  plan. Next we have mental, behavioral and spiritually. But
• 15:24
  you know, the emotional one is where I see the most resistance.
• 15:27
  And here's the thing, if we don't feel the anger, the shame,
• 15:30
  the guilt, whatever it is, we don't get to the other side of
• 15:32
  that. We don't feel all the juicy stuff. We don't feel the
• 15:35
  love, the joy, the creativity, the connection, you know,
• 15:37
  especially for women, underneath our anger is our fire and our
• 15:41
  passion and our zest. So many women suppress anger and they
• 15:46
  end up irritable and they end up kind of emasculating men and
• 15:49
  they end up just snippy, and that's not like who we are as
• 15:53
  women. You know, we're warm and compassionate and loving and
• 15:56
  creative, but when we suppress this anger, because we've been
• 15:59
  told that we aren't allowed to be angry, and we don't really
• 16:02
  have healthy outlets for anger. We're missing out on tapping
• 16:04
  into our passion and our fire, and it's so important for us to
• 16:08
  tap into that.
• 16:09
  Host: Wow. Expectation Hangover is the title of the book,
• 16:13
  Christine. Where do you want people to go to learn about you?
• 16:16
  Christine Hassler: Well, you can go to ChristineHassler.com and
• 16:18
  you can get the book on Amazon, or lots of ways to connect. I
• 16:21
  love connecting with people, so please reach out.
• 16:24
  Host: Awesome. Well, this was super insightful. Thank you for
• 16:27
  making some time here, and we wish you the best.
• 16:30
  Christine Hassler: Oh, I thank you so much.