Latest / Just Us Sisters / Episode 31: Love Languages: Do They Still Matter?
Transcript
- speaker-0: Welcome to the Just Us Sisters podcast. Life doesn't come with a manual, so we made a podcast. speaker-2: Thank you for joining us for episode thirty-one of Just Us Sisters and Love Languages is our topic today. we're gonna walk through love languages in marriage, in family, and just in life in general. So I am Stacy, I am your host today. I am the youngest out of all four of us. My oldest sister is Susan, Sheryl is number two, and Shelly is number three. Our two middles. Let's open up with when was the first time you took the love languages quiz? Susan. speaker-3: I took it when it first came out in nineteen ninety two. Gary Chapman was a very, very big writer. And well, we read his five love languages and we did marriage treats with it and so I took it when it first came out. speaker-1: took it probably the same time and date that Susan did because we I think we were all at Gulfway at that time and I do remember thinking, Wow, that's interesting. Mm-hmm. So probably thirty s plus years ago. speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-2: What about you, Shelley? speaker-4: Husband to be and I were encouraged to take it in our premarital counseling classes. speaker-2: Probably took it in two thousand and five ish, maybe, maybe even a little later than that. I'd heard about it. I always knew that there were love languages, just but never studied what mine were. Although I was pretty sure I knew. So did you agree with your results? speaker-3: Absolutely. I wanna try to see if we can kind of guess each other's results. speaker-2: that's a great idea. speaker-3: Who wants to try to guess? speaker-2: Let's guess yours, Susan. speaker-3: Okay. What do y'all think mine is? speaker-2: I think yours is words of affirmation. Mm-hmm. speaker-4: That's what I was gonna say. speaker-3: You would be correct. It was in nineteen ninety-two and I took this test the other day and it's still words of affirmation. Now it is thirty-seven so obviously there's something they're all pretty even. I would say my second acts of service. speaker-2: Did you agree with her results? speaker-1: I agreed with but it changed from thirty years ago. speaker-2: Okay, don't tell us speaker-3: Don't tell us. speaker-2: Shall I guess Cheryl's first? speaker-4: Quality time. speaker-2: I think it's accent service. speaker-1: Stay see that's it. Now speaker-3: Thirty years ago? No. For now Yeah. speaker-2: Yeah. What was it thirty years ago? speaker-1: Physical touch or a bodily touch or whatever that was. speaker-4: Physical. Big enough to get that personal. speaker-1: No. I'm not. What? speaker-3: The body. speaker-4: See, Sheryl, guess Stacey's. Actually, did you agree with your Stacy? speaker-2: Yeah, I mine I have two that are tied. speaker-1: Well I was gonna say out words of affirmation. Mm-hmm. speaker-3: I would say physical touch. speaker-2: What do you think, Shelley? I speaker-4: And it was words of affirmation all also. speaker-2: Yeah, it's both. I I'm those two are pretty much tied from speaker-4: Love language is is from the perspective of what you want and I was looking at y'all from what you give. So speaker-1: Yeah, I that's what I thought that it was going to be what we like to do. But when I speaker-4: Language is how you receive love. speaker-3: But yeah, we often give love the way we want to receive it. Yes. speaker-2: Yes. And sometimes that's not successful. Yeah. speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-2: No. Shelly, what was yours? I mean, don't tell us. Let us guess your speaker-4: I I somewhat agree. I honestly thought mine would change and it was only thirty three percent. So obviously s several are right in there with it. But so y'all guessed. speaker-1: But I guess that's right. speaker-3: would say quality time. speaker-2: I would say acts of service. speaker-1: Me too. speaker-3: That's right. speaker-4: In nineteen ninety eight, when you took it on paper, they gave you the top two. Well, I guess they gave you all of them and put in a rank. My top one was physical touch, and my second one was quality time. And Andy's were reversed in that. And this time they don't unless you're willing to pay the upgrade, which speaker-1: No, they'd gone up. speaker-4: they don't give you beyond the first one, but the first one stayed physical touch, which would kind of surprised me. Huh. speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-2: We all have a little physical touch, bodily touch in us. speaker-1: If you if it's thirty three percent and that's what mine was too, the other physical touch for me was probably thirty one point nine, so yeah. speaker-3: Yeah. Yeah. speaker-2: Not surprised by anybody's though. I'm not I think we all speaker-3: Neither. I kinda am on Shelley's physical touch. That that does surprise me. speaker-2: No baby, bee boo b speaker-3: Likes Likes to be cuddled. speaker-4: In ninety eight, I was one hundred percent physical touch, but as much as I hate to admit it, COVID had an impact. And I mean, I used to love hugs from everybody. I mean, you know, and that definitely has impacted me. So I was surprised that I still got physical touch, but I was looking at it from the perspective of Andy, not any Joe Small on the street. speaker-2: Yeah, that's that's that's true. Which one is the hardest for you to give? Why is that? speaker-3: Quality time. Huh, why? I think because of work. It's it's you know, it's easier now that Tom has retired but when he was working and I'm still working, it was hard for quality time. Sometimes he would be coming in from work and I would be leaving to go show houses and I wouldn't see him 'til eight o'clock that night. So quality time was hard. speaker-1: For me it's gift giving. I could care less about gifts and so I just assume everybody else could care less about gifts too. now I'll give you the gift of time as much as you want or can handle, but as far as like thinking I'm gonna get her a Harley card because she loves motors, I am terrible at gift giving. And Johnny and I early on said, you know, we really don't need anything material wise. So let's, you know, go have a nice meal or whatever. We we don't give each other Valentine gifts. We don't give each other birthday gifts. Now, do I buy him a shirt if I like it? Yeah. Doesn't have to be his birthday though. speaker-4: Is that all of us? 'Cause Susan was shaking her head. Are y'all big gift givers to each other? speaker-3: I love to give gifts. Anyone speaker-2: I do too. I love it speaker-3: gifts. To anyone. But it it's neither Tom nor my love language. And so I do it for the kids, my grandkids, my friends, not toward each other. speaker-2: I give K C gifts. I don't like to get gifts though. I mean money. Yeah, speaker-4: Love like speaker-2: it's one of his that's not his top one, but he likes to get gifts. speaker-3: What is y'all's husband's love languages? I'm just curious. Shelley, you mentioned Andy's was acts of service and and physical touch. Quality time. speaker-4: No quality time. Okay. I would think that that is still his speaker-2: KC's as physical touch. speaker-1: qu'il se speaker-3: Tom Tom's changed over the years. When we first got married, it was quality time. But as he has gotten older, it's words of affirmation. He actually took the test too when I took it. And it was words of affirmation. And I was sh I was blown away. Although I feel like I have the gift of encouragement, so it's not anything that's hard for me, but I was surprised that that is his love language. speaker-2: But you know, not to analyze Tom, but he's going through a time in his life where he is retired and when he may have received a lot of affirmation or thankfulness or you know, yeah. speaker-3: Words of appreciation. Yeah. speaker-2: And maybe he's not getting that like he did and it may Absolutely come out and show more. Yeah. speaker-1: Yeah. Johnny and I were talking about it earlier and I think his has changed too 'cause I I don't remember him being this way. He said his is words of affirmation and bodily touch. speaker-2: Physical. speaker-3: Physical touch. speaker-1: Physical touch. speaker-4: Yeah. speaker-2: It's bodily touch from now on. We just renamed speaker-1: We're gonna kill Gary Chapman and Shane. Yeah. speaker-2: It's spending time together. speaker-4: have Andy retake it because there's a good chance his might have changed. Yeah. Yeah. And I need to know that because speaker-3: Yeah. It's important. speaker-4: I think it is speaker-2: Well, that goes right into our next question and that is does knowing someone's preferences actually make us better at loving them? Yeah. And I think it does. speaker-1: Should. speaker-2: Yeah. speaker-3: Yeah, absol yeah, I I think so. I mean, if you're giving gifts and to them in their love languages, words of affirmation, i you're on a disconnect. Mm-hmm. They're never gonna f have that love tank filled. Right. So speaker-2: Right. What matters more? Someone loving us in the way we prefer or just knowing that they genuinely care? I speaker-4: I think those go hand in hand? speaker-2: I was gonna say the same thing, Shelly. But speaker-4: mean obviously knowing they genuinely care matters, but you do that as a demonstration in whichever way, you know, comes natural to you or what you know your partner or spouse appreciates. So I I honestly think those go hand in hand. speaker-2: Yeah, I agree. Do we need different kinds of love as we get older? And we've kind of gone into this talking about how some of our love languages have changed as we gotten older and how Tom's changed. Mm-hmm. What do y'all think? Is it is it a massive change or is it just a season? Are love languages seasonal? speaker-3: Ooh, I I kind of think that's a great question, Stace, because just like we've talked about many things on our podcast that are seasonal. Hobbies, traveling, or, you know, whatever. We've looked at many things. And and and as I was thinking about love language, I wondered, is this seasonal? You know, certain seasons. Because, you know, I don't know if y'all have hit menopause, but once you get there, it it changes a lot of things. It yeah, you know, and some some good, some negatively. And I feel like that the way you love and receive love changes as you get older. Yeah. speaker-1: Yeah, I was thinking about that before menopause and hip replacements and knee problems and shoulder issues. It was more about quantity, quantity, quantity, quantity on the sex. And now it's about quality and creativeness. Mm-hmm. So you you have to just be creative. Yes. If that's too much info, take it out, Shally. Yes. speaker-3: Part of that bodily touch. speaker-1: Yes. speaker-4: You start talking about bodily fluids and I'm out. speaker-1: Time to you're out. speaker-3: That's not one of the five love languages. speaker-2: No. Well that goes right into our next question as well, and that is what does romance mean to us now compared to twenty, thirty years ago? We've all been married at least twenty years. Susan forty six. I'm at thirty six. I mean Shelley and Sheryl, y'all are both in the twenty. speaker-4: Twenty seven. Yeah. speaker-2: So has it changed as speaker-4: still looking for it. Thankfully I didn't marry Andy for his romance. speaker-3: Well, you know, I love when I'm just walking along and Tom comes up and grabs my hand, you know, or if we're sitting somewhere like at a restaurant and he grabs my hand. I don't know. I it makes me feel cherished and loved. And so I feel like it really has not changed for me over the years. It's still just as important to me. And I think he realizes that. And I'll tell I love when you grab my hand. Or, you know. I think we have to kind of coach each other as husband and wife, because we don't come into this marriage with a manual. We don't know what this looks like. I mean, we had parents that had longevity in their marriage, but they can show us what their relationship looks like, but they have different gifts, different love languages. And we have to coach one another. So If you like something that your husband does for you or with you or to you, you need to let know. That's the only way. speaker-2: That's a great point because there's a lot of people who get married. Like mom and dad were always physical in my opinion. They weren't afraid to kiss in front of us and hug each other and they hugged us. Yeah. But i if you're brought up in a family like that where you see it and experience it and marry somebody who is brought up in a family that never saw their parents kiss or h hug, didn't have that physical, that would be tough. Yeah. Because It would be some may go the whole opposite and want to be on top of you all the time. The others may be like, step back. And that would show me that it's genuine love, like the question a couple of questions ago, if somebody is willing to like compromise there. Hey, my spouse needs this and I'm gonna make myself do that. And maybe even have a little fun too. speaker-3: And I think the older you get, the more important it is to communicate that to your spouse because of the the way things change. Yeah. speaker-4: One of the things I wanted to point out is I I think I would use the word companionship more now that I've gotten older than, you know, the romance and stuff like that. And, you know, I just I think that that's a good description, not everyone's marriage, but in mine. speaker-3: Well, I think too that our husbands should be our best friends. Mm-hmm. Yeah, speaker-1: Mm. Exactly. speaker-3: that we can't wait to be with, we can't wait to do something with, we can't wait to tell something to. They should be that one that, you know, just kinda brings life back together as friends and as and as lovers, so speaker-2: Yeah. So we have walked through love languages with our spouses and our family. What about sister love? Do sisters have love languages too? speaker-4: Think that every relationship has love languages in one way or another. And sisters would obviously fall in that category. speaker-2: Yeah. I think that's why we knew each other's pretty much so well. Is we know what makes them tick, basically. What's one thing each sister does that makes you feel love? Well speaker-4: Stacy's the cheerleader and Susan holds me accountable and Sheryl and I can have our moments and still want to hang out with each other. So that to me falls in the words of affirmation for Susan and Stacy and quality time with Sheryl in in my opinion. speaker-2: online, Shelly, you're the acts of service. If I'm having a party, you help plan it, you help pull it together. Same as trips, all of that, to me, that's the acts of service. Sheryl is the the cheerleader in my in our relationship. And Susan is as well. She calls to check in or sends a text to check in. speaker-3: I think for me, Sheryl is quality time 'cause when I am with her, when I'm there she's present and she makes a point to come and see us when we're there. Shelley, acts of service, I know and quality time. I think both of y'all are in that category, but I I agree. Shelley seems to meet me at a point of where we need, you know, help. And then Stacy, you would be my words of affirmation. I think you are very good at encouraging. Encouraging me anyway. speaker-1: On mine, Stacy is definitely words of affirmation, even though I did get on to her during the trip 'cause she was kinda whispering little sarcastic remarks and I was like, Okay, that's enough. That's not usually the way you you are. And I got over it real quick. speaker-2: I don't remember that. speaker-1: You don't remember me saying, I can't believe that you're you keep getting on to me. It was for the same thing over and over. speaker-2: yeah, well I s I do remember that. speaker-1: And I go, Could you please not do that? speaker-2: Yeah, my bad. Sorry. speaker-1: It's no big deal. And but anyway, Stacy always has positive and words of affirmation to people. And Shelly, I can't put just one. I know it sounds like I'm trying to suck up to you, but I'm not. You give gifts, you have quality time. You'll even come out and sit every once in a while when I'm in the pool doing exercises. Always doing acts of service, whether people know it or not, which the way you're supposed to. And you're not letting me hold your hand as much. We speaker-2: That's since COVID. No. speaker-1: used to walk down the mall and I'd grab her hand. Yeah. She's right. speaker-3: It's like speaker-1: But Susan, speaker-4: Yeah, so speaker-1: definitely quality time because it's not about quantity the times we see you. Mm-hmm. It's like when you're here, we're visiting, we're catching up on everybody and everything and have talking about the old memories of the past. So That's my take. speaker-2: Yeah. On a Christian perspective, is love a language or a command? Does scripture give us different definitions of love more than popular culture? speaker-1: I think it comes back to what Shelly said earlier. If we are loving our neighbor like ourselves, I think it's gonna be an automatic your love language is gonna surface to the top, whatever that is. And so I do I think it goes hand in hand. I love speaker-4: What who I call Chad, the way he put it, scripture defines love as sacrificial, unconditional, and action oriented. And the pop culture defines it as emotion driven, conditional, and self-focused. Yeah. I think that's the separation right there. It's speaker-3: Mm-hmm. Very speaker-2: Yeah. speaker-4: the i if it feels good do it mentality. And that that is the difference. speaker-3: And put yourself first. speaker-2: Yeah, very, very far off from each other. speaker-4: So with that being the case, I think First Corinthians, the chapter of love, thirteen, challenges the modern idea of love. It's almost the antithesis of it. when you talk about love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, I l I speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-4: thought to myself, how many songs or TV shows or movies have that as the theme? But that's not what you see. speaker-2: Okay, let's go into a few different types of questions. Can love survive without affection? speaker-1: No. Let me tell you why. And I'm just talking about physical touch. When Adolf Hitler had all these babies in a nursery, they were feeding and they were, you know, they were feeding That's pretty much it. And changing their diaper. They'd come in, leave. Every baby died because they needed physical touch to thrive. Even though they were getting fed and getting changed, I thought, wow. That is a good example of you you really need speaker-2: Yeah. I think as a marriage develops, you can't lose that affection and that physical touch. I think that our bodies, even if it's not your love language, I think our bodies need it. Our minds need it. I could be way off for some people, but I do feel like it is extremely important in a marriage to have that affection. Is mature love less about butterflies and more about I will show up? What do you think, Susan, with being the most mature speaker-3: know about that. But as far as I mean, butterflies come and go. And so, you know, I want something that's going to be consistent and stable and not here today, gone tomorrow. So I think, you know, just having someone be present and care and, you know, love is meeting needs. That's the definition. And so someone that's meeting needs, then I feel like that's romance right there. That's love. speaker-1: Butterflies have changed. When I, you know, younger w we all know what the butterflies were, but I'll get a little bit of a butterfly if Johnny, and he does it often, opens my door. He normally if if I don't get there first, he's opening it. But I was just I that kind of gives me butterflies, thinking, wow, I really have a good guy. I don't know if that's right or wrong to think that. speaker-2: No, and I like that you show that that is what gives you butterflies. I think butterflies are still important. I think that when you are married to your best friend, you do get butterflies and they do show up differently. But but the I will show up part is so important. It's important because you're gonna go through death and grieving. You're gonna have the best of times and you're gonna go through the worst of times too. And you've got to show up for them. And that's just So important. But you gotta have those butterflies too, I think. What about you, Shelley? What do you think? Well speaker-4: Like Susan said earlier, you know, walking up and and grabbing your hand or coming up behind you at the kitchen sink and wrapping you up from behind, or sometimes it's just in a crowded room that glance between you can can still give butterflies. But I think as your love matures, the the showing up is is important. speaker-2: Yeah. The other day I I was having an extremely stressful day at work and I was overwhelmed. I was a little anxious. And Casey just came up and hugged me. And you forget how much peace that brings when things are hectic. You know, it's like, Whew, I can breathe. And and I think that's I will show up and I'm here and I'm gonna bring you peace. Hey, y'all, let's wrap this up with a rapid fire round. We'll start we'll go Susan Sheryl Shelley. A little thing that makes you feel loved. speaker-3: I appreciate you for speaker-1: Mine is every night I get a foot massage. I have a bad toe. And he'll say, Get your foot up here. So I'm like, that I appreciate speaker-4: Mine's acknowledgement. speaker-2: Mine's coffee in bed and breakfast in the morning every morning, so a little thing you do to show love. speaker-3: I do something for him that I know that he either doesn't want to do or that he's putting off doing for whatever reason. So just an act of service, honestly. speaker-1: I know this is going to blow y'all's mind away. Johnny loves it when I'll just cook. I'll cook a meal. Whoa. He loves that. speaker-2: And and when you clean the house. speaker-1: No, I don't clean. speaker-2: Yeah. speaker-4: Shelly. Mine's meet a need. Meeting. It's just kind of speaker-2: Yeah, that's mine as well. Words you love hearing. speaker-3: I love you. speaker-1: Love you. I love speaker-2: I love you. That's true. Are you a hugger? speaker-3: Yes. Yes. I a speaker-4: Damn. I want to be more but I speaker-1: I'm gonna start giving you a big old hug every time I see you. speaker-2: We do this one a lot. What is one piece of relationship advice you'd give your thirty year old self? speaker-3: Yeah. I would say learn your your love language. Know your love language and know your husband's love language. That could help a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding right off the bat. Because I didn't learn it until nineteen ninety two and I had been married twelve years. So speaker-1: I think that sounds great, Susan. A balance too. speaker-4: Mine would be beauty fades. So just continue to work on the inside because that that lasts forever. And I mean, upkeep is important, don't get me wrong, but that can't be the focus from the get-go, or you're gonna be very disappointing. speaker-2: Yeah, mine is learn your spouse's love language and Shelly, that's a great answer as well. Work on yourself. I think your physical appearance is important for your spouse as well, though. Okay, at this stage of my life, love looks like what? speaker-1: For me, it's growing old with my best friend and taking all the challenges that life is giving us. speaker-4: At this stage of life my love looks like contentment. speaker-3: Contentment. That li that sounds good. I like the speaker-2: Yeah, mine is just getting time. More time. Could love be less like having one language and more like being fluent in several ways of caring and knowing your loved ones' languages? speaker-4: Yeah, absolutely. speaker-2: Listeners, we have linked the love languages quiz below. Tell us your love language and how it may have changed over the years. Next week we will have special guests on as we discuss Friendship After 50. Until then, remember. Life is messy, meaningful, and better when shared. Thank you for listening. speaker-3: To like us speaker-1: Cheer us. speaker-4: Comment. speaker-2: Subscribe.