Latest / Workplace Confessions: Behind Closed Doors / Meet a Bartender Turned Dominatrix

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Meet a Bartender Turned Dominatrix · Workplace Confessions: Behind Closed Doors

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to Workplace Confessions Behind Closed Doors.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Elsa Barbie.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm Don Andrews.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: We have been friends since sixth grade.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: Somewhere between a car wash job, a few questionable boy choices, and 40 years of friendship, we became the kind of people who always want to know what was really going on, including at work.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: Don spent 25 years as an employment lawyer digging into workplace drama from the inside out.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: I built a long career in the beauty industry as a brand educator with a few TV cameos sprinkled in for fun.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: We came up in very different industries, but we have the same passion.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: Meeting new people and asking how they got their jobs, what they love, what they can't stand, and what happens behind closed doors.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: Every episode, we talk to a new guest about their lived experience in the world of work.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: And because our guests stay anonymous, they can spill the truth without the fallout.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_02: We get into the choices they made, the tiny cruelties, the surprise kindnesses, and some of the moments that never make it into human resources reports.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: Equal Parts Informative and Tittling.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: This show serves up all the tea while honoring the incredible, complicated, often messy work people are doing across the industries and across the map.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to Workplace Confessions Behind Closed Doors.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: Let's get into it.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Hi Ruby.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Hi.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hey Ruby.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for doing me on this wonderful podcast.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: To kick us off, maybe tell us about your very first job.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: My very first, I guess, real job would have been working for restaurants in San Diego.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I started out as a hostess at a place called Galley at the Marina.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's on J Street in San Diego.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's absolutely wonderful.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I was a hostess.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then we had live entertainment every night.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually ended up dancing with the bands.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And like the owner of the place just loved it because it became like a big thing.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I've always been quite theatrical.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it just kind of worked out.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and then I had to leave to go to college.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So that didn't last very long.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But that was my first, I guess, legitimate W-2 job.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: Tell us what you're doing now and how you went from being a hostess slash dancing with the band to where you are now.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I actually have two jobs.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have a vanilla job, is what we call it, where I do accounting and HR.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then I also am a professional dominatrix here in San Diego.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Amazing.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Those are some really interesting jobs to combine.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I was a single mom.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I I I started out as a hostess and I became a bartender for Mimi's Cafe.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Opened up quite a few of their bars around SoCal and trained a lot of their new employees.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went from there to working for two bars here in San Diego that were owned by brothers.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: One of them was downtown, one of them was in Benita.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: But they ran me to the bone, and I loved it because I needed the money, of course, but I didn't realize how much of a toll that would have taken on my body.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: During this time, I got pneumonia, and I was I was pretty much out of commission for three weeks.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I ended up realizing during this time how expendable I was, you know, how replaceable I was.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: So he he docked me hours.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And at this time I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna be able to continue to support my child like this, you know.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I one of my regulars in the bar had basically told me, you know, you would make a great dominatrix.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh because you know, at the bar, you can be yourself, they want you to be, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can have the sassy personality, you can have all that, and and they're all about it, you know.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: But when it comes to, you know, when it comes to domination, kind of the same thing.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can be yourself.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And and that was just such an enlightened idea to me, you know.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, so I I looked into it and I met, you know, some DOMs, and they basically told me what they do, they make money at it, and here we are today.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_03: What was the first thing that went through your head when you were you were told, yeah, you would make a great dom?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what was your like what did you think a dominatrix was then?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: And like you're like, oh, okay.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, most people would have maybe been like offended by that.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was more or less like, yeah, that's right.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I am a bad bitch.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm I'm glad that I represent, in my opinion, what a dominatrix represents is a strong, powerful, positive female image.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: What do most people get wrong about what you do?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people will assume that it's borderline.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that that I have sex for a living.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's probably the part about the job that I hate the most.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I I spend a lot of time training for this.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I spend a lot of painstaking hours, money training, buying my equipment, putting on latex.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is not an easy task.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like compression socks.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's even worse than that, though, because then you you know you get stuck on your skin and you know, all these little things.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then to have somebody just think, oh, well, how much extra for a girlfriend experience?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I'd have to be like, what makes you feel it's okay to ask me that?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of false ideas around things that are so taboo in our society, basically.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and it's just it's unfortunate.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, my my mentor when I first started training for this had said to me, you need to be comfortable with the fact that you are indeed a sex worker.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: But with that, that's you know, that's not to be confused with escort, it's a different type, right?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like only fans model could be considered a sex worker as well.
• 6:46
  unknown: Right.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just the same a go-go dancer or a stripper, you know, all these little things that are taboo in our society.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: So one thing I find really fascinating about your work and your profession that I think is really informative for a lot of women.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: I coach women professionals, and I think one of their biggest struggles is setting and maintaining boundaries.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: So I'd love to hear how you how you set the terms of an engagement and how you ensure that consent is clear and boundaries are clear and people don't breach your boundaries.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: When they meet with me, right?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like they'll reach out on the phone or we'll meet in person and have a discussion prior to.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I go over, you know, what I expect from them.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I expect them to be, you know, punctual.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I expect them to be honest.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number one for me is total transparency.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't have that here, you're not gonna be able to let go, right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, just talk to me about some things that are going on in their lives, and then I, you know, I can gauge whether or not they're serious and whether or not they're gonna take my boundaries serious.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, if at any point anybody like let's give you an example, if anybody were to touch me without having asked me first, or you know, during a session, you're done.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're out.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: Was there ever a time, was there ever a time where maybe somebody just did not take you as serious as no, you're done, and took it further.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I had somebody pay for me to drive all the way out to Santa Monica for a session.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: They knew exactly what it was I did.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I go all the way there, and he lives in this high-rise, beautiful apartment right there on the beach in Santa Monica.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: He had maybe four Emmys sitting in his apartment, right?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, and I can't say who this person is, it doesn't matter, but but when I got there, all of a sudden, he's like, So I'm gonna dominate you, and uh and I need you to find me some GHB.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh hold the phone, motherfucker.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I grabbed one of his Emmys, and they're heavy.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm gonna jam this so far up your ass that you're you're gonna wish you never met me today.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is not okay.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is not what I came up here for.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna pay me right now everything that I that I require for this session, and I'm walking out the fucking door.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he did not go over.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he was he was pretty fucking scared of me.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think he thought that because he was famous, that it would be okay to treat me as such.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he was really fucking shocked.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how many other women he's tried this with, but this sure the fuck didn't work with me.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you give them an inch, they're gonna take a mile.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So you really have to be strict about your boundaries and have it be known right away.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why we create websites, you know.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to read up on us, we want them to know about us.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we have social media, that's why we have our websites, that's why, you know, we do many of the things we do.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: We we do our blogs, you know, so they have an understanding a little bit.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: But there's always gonna be that one that's trying to get by on other things, you know, and there's unfortunately no way around it sometimes.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the longer you've been doing this, right?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the longer they know you've been in the scene and they won't try to pull some of that crap with you at some point, you know, like you've earned your stripes or something.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I like to think that I just have like the biggest balls in the room always.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh there's some misconceptions about how a female should be, and that's one of the best things about what I do.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna break all those misconceptions.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Pregnant, barefoot, in the kitchen, married, you know, all these things that I'm supposed to be in society.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to find a female that can be this dominant.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: And when does your and when does your class start?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Soon.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: We are working on that very soon.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: It is, it's not, you know, most women were raised, especially in society, media, everything, that a man's supposed to be that strong, powerful individual that we can't be.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're supposed to be taken care of by the male, or you know, let them make all the decisions, all this, right?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we're putting all these tasks on the men.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And there's some men that don't want to be like that all the time.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So they of course they're gonna go for that strong dominant female, and because it's such a it's such a commodity and it's rare, you know.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: Do you find that there are commonalities in people who come to see you?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: Like, do you find that they're all of a certain age group or job type or something?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, 100%.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of them are usually what we would consider like the higher echelon in society, right?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've had judges, I've had lawyers, lots of lawyers, engineers, you know, people that are usually like the ones that make a lot of money and have their ass kissed all day at the end of the day.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're probably the ones that are looking for a dominatrix.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like Donald Trump, for instance.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I bet you Milani is a dom.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Could very well be.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Elon Musk, same.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: That guy needs to get my business card soon.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: Ruby, what are what are some of the things that these guys get from a session with you?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: They get to be themselves.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's such an honor to be able to have somebody come to me and trust me enough to tell me all their deepest, darkest desires.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Stuff that would probably scare the normal female off, right?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And they can be totally transparent with me and I'm a welcoming space for them.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is a safe space.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So they get they get a chance to explore with somebody that's done it, heard it, seen it and experienced it, you know.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a it's a rare opportunity for them.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, a lot of these guys are married.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And they can't see their wife in that light.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, or their partner, whichever their situation is.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: They have a separation thing that happens, and you know, they it's just they don't want their wife to do that.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the role they want for them.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: Are all of your clients male or male presenting?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: The majority, yes.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a beautiful thing when I'm able to play with a female or female identifying.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I wouldn't charge them.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: The men are gonna have to pay for my attention.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Women, I want to support women.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be there for women, and it's just a beautiful time when I can play with a female.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I haven't gotten too many opportunities with that yet.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have had some, yes.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I it's just for me, that's if it's so rare, I don't want to capitalize on it.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want to cherish it when it comes across my you know, my plate.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us about any transformation that a client has made from seeing you at the very beginning to their journey now.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you an example.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have a client who I saw seven years ago, eight years ago almost.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, this client when he came to me was was very beaten down by society and his home life.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: He had no confidence at all.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: And uh he was nervous and very curious, and uh, and I just I fell in love with him.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I just thought, you know, I just really wanna, I really want to like help him gain more confidence in life, you know.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I just think he needs it.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I feel that a lot of people would take advantage of somebody like him, so I didn't want to let him go.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, and we've been we've been together ever, well, not as you know, partners, but he's been one of my subs for the last seven years now.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And he's just become kind of one of the family, you know.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, now I have him helping out other DOMs in the community.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: He's made a lot of friends in the community, he's known all over the community now.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And he's able, and and now he dresses like a female.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: He feels comfortable being able to dress like a female, he's able to go out in public dress like a female.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's a big deal.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: He would have never done that back then, you know, and and he's gained that much confidence now that he's able to do that.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's able to be himself, yeah.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And he doesn't take it lightly.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: He knows he knows that that's such a rare opportunity.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: Work is the dominatrix.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: And then do people find out?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_02: Is it an issue?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: How does that all work?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: So my main, my main thing in life is I don't give a fuck.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be me, unapologetically me.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you find out what I do on the side, I don't care.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: If it bugs you, go move the fuck on somewhere else.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have the rare opportunity, however, that my BDSM mentor is my boss in my vanilla job.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Doing the whole domination thing for a while, and you know, that's good, it's but it's not like steady income, you know, and and this person's been my mentor for a long time.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: They've been watching me struggle sometimes, you know, because there's slow moments in this business.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think, you know, they just asked me one day, they said, you know, do you have any QuickBooks experience and all this others?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I said, Yes.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they were like, Why haven't I hired you yet?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't know.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know you were, you know, and I think I don't know, there's just a very mutual respect thing happening with me and this person.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think they just saw that I needed something else in my life, and they gave me that opportunity.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's, you know, it's beautiful being able to have them understand that I'm gonna have other times where I have to, you know, go off and be a bad bitch moment, you know.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: You have to head to the dungeon.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have to go to the dungeon, you know.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And there's the I'll be at home because I work from home with the HR and the counting bit, you know, and I'll be at home and I'm like, well, I have to take a lunch today and go swing by the dungeon and kick somebody in the nuts for an hour.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be back, you know.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm curious about the lessons that people who work vanilla jobs can learn from you as a dominatrix or from other dominatrix.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what are some lessons you've learned that you think people in in the work world should should really know?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Having your boundaries, using your voice.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let people walk all over you.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's one of the things in the work world I could not get over sometimes.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I was just a professional dominatrix for so long.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I had enough of being treated like I was, you know, dispensable, being treated like, you know, my time was their time always.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: There was no respect, you know.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's kind of hard to keep a job with that kind of mentality.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: I get that.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because then there's a resentment that happens if you keep your mouth shut all the time.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're gonna you're gonna hate your job, you're gonna hate what you do for that reason.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think anybody should live life like that.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for what you want.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Being honest with your partner.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, I said honesty is the number one thing for me.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: There needs to be total transparency here because a lot of times in their relationships, there is none.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right, they're too ashamed, they're too afraid to say what they want.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why spend your life with somebody like that?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Under you know, work with your partner, understand your partner.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you love that person, that's gonna well, then it'll work out.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, then get out of that situation.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: Was there ever a time where maybe during a session or before you even started where something not that something happened, but where you thought, I maybe I'm not cut out for this?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, it's it's not when you first start out in this business, you're gonna get like all the toads, I I would call it, right?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: All the all the asshole subs that have been denied by other DOMs, those are the ones that are gonna be reaching out to you, right?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And they're gonna say some things, do some things that make you feel dirty and like you're doing something wrong or whatever.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, and there were times where I was like, you know, I had somebody not pay me one time.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: They literally took off after the session.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: They went to go use the bathroom, and I'd met with them one time before, so I didn't really have my guard up too much, but they took off after they used the bathroom, and I thought, what the fuck?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Luckily, I've never had any dangerous situations happen, you know, mainly because I vet people like crazy before, you know, I usually meet with them.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk with them and I'll I'm gonna get an idea of how you are prior, you know, hopefully.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: So
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: Did I answer the question or am I still no, you did?
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: That was great.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_02: Does your daughter know what you do?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_02: And what does she think?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she just thinks it's funny, you know.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think now that she's getting a little older, she is growing a little bit more appreciation for it, right?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Her mom was kind of a broken woman before she found this.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Very.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I had been through the the ringer in relationships.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'd been through the ringer with my jobs, just feeling like, you know, there's so many things against you, especially when you're a single parent.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and becoming this, it kind of gave me a chance to reinvent myself.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Gave me more confidence in life, gave me a lot of a lot of freedom to be able to spend time with her, too.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want her to necessarily find out the way she did, but she did.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And and it wasn't a big deal.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was, you know.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: I at least I'm distributing, you know, I'm I'm displaying a positive female image for her.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if there's anything, man, that's one hell of a positive image, femininity.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: I the perfect way I could explain it to her was I'm a guide.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm somebody that can guide them through different experiences.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to display to her right away that I'm not ashamed of what I am, what I do.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: How much of your work would you say is actually caretaking, attunement, and responsibility?
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: How much of it?
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: All of it.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: Same.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: All of it.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: It is your responsibility to be discreet, to be non-judgmental, to be open, to be a safe space.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's your responsibility to know what you're doing.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And being honest, if you don't know what you're doing, to not try it.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's certain things that I, you know, hey, I don't I'm not doing breath play because I don't have any training in it.
• 24:17
  unknown: Yeah.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going anywhere near your throat.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: So having, you know, a tumin in your your skill and what you know you're good at, what you know you're not skilled at.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: And caretaking, that is the utmost importance.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we call, especially after a session, there's something called aftercare.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that can be many different things with many different DOMs.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: However, for me, it's a motherly.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's where my mom comes out, right?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: My motherly part.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and it's it could be as simple as washing their hair after a session.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Just washing their hair, and then you dry them off and you hug them, you know, and and you just show them love and compassion.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, five seconds, you know, five minutes ago, I could have been kicking them in the nuts profusely, you know.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: But at the end, you're showing them compassion, respect, and love.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's important.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do not take it lightly, you do not take advantage of it.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's a risk, you know, it's an honor.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_02: Sounds like there's a healing aspect to your work, and I wondered if you wanted to expand on that a little bit.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: We can expand a little bit on that, because I'm not by no means am I a psychologist, psychiatrist.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I never majored in those, right?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was a dancer.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, but uh what I do know is a lot of the people that come to me have childhood traumas, molestations, maybe domestic violence issues.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of them have had something that you know has now exposed something else they're into, you know.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Cause how do you get there, right?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: We get there through trials and tribulations, and that's how we find out what we're you know, what we're really looking for.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: What aspect of the experience do you think is the most therapeutic or the most healing for someone?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_05: Being able to be totally transparent.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: The ability to tell, to, to open up to somebody and come out of their shell.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're so used to you know putting on a mask and acting like everybody else wants us to act.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why when we first started this, I told you, I'm gonna be me.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always gonna be me.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was a I grew up a redhead with freckles, right?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: I can't, and here's probably why I'm a great dominatrix today.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many times I had to defend myself with the little boys over the freckles.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you know, now the girls are getting them tattooed on and everything else.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, boy, I would have loved to have just gotten rid of all these when I was younger, because there's a lot, you know.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: But they were mean.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: The kids were mean.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: There was, you know, and I I grew up hating myself for so long.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we don't, you know, everybody just tells you, well, that's just how it is, and you know, you gotta be whatever, you gotta get tougher skin for it, you know.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: But no, those that's clearly we've seen in what happens in the news.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: That can turn out bad if we're not teaching others to be kind to each other.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_02: Ruby, have you had a client come to you and ask you to do something and then chicken out where halfway through they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't actually want you to kick me in the balls.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's happened a lot.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's happened a lot, and and consent is number one, right?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not consenting to me doing these things, I'm not gonna be doing them, right?
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I've got to have some interest in it too.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: I like when I'm able to help them explore, you know, so it goes hand in hand.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had a I had a session where somebody wanted what we call sploshing, and it's like where you where you drop food on them, right?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like oh, little like honey, or you know, and I had like a whole baby pool set up for this in the dungeon, you know, and and I brought all these food products.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, this is weird, but I don't care.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let's experience this, you know.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: And halfway through the smell of the mixture of everything was so awful that we were both like, we don't like this anymore, you know?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: And and so we cleaned up and then we just spent the rest of the time laughing about it and hanging out, you know, like yeah.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times there there are some other ones that will say they want to do something and then they don't.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when you can just, you know, that's fine.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then let's take this time and talk.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: I have a lot of experience in this world.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want to know?
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they have my time, they have my attention.
• 29:28
  unknown: Yeah.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll find other ways to do things, you know, other ways to get what you want out of this.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_03: Ruby, what what keeps you going?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: How do you recharge?
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have a you know, I have a little girl depending on me.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_03: And what do you do?
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: What do you do to recharge?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do to recharge?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I like to, you know, hang out with my daughter.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: We like we like to go out and eat.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, interestingly enough, when I want to just recharge, and after a session, we call we go through a dom drop.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: We do the same, right?
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we drop because it's got a lot of power, a lot of energy to bring out this persona, this this presence sometimes.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And after a session, when it's all said and done, I like to go grab a chili dog.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: Come home.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: I did not see that coming.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I I know, right?
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: I like to grab my chili dog, come home with my cat, and I watch my Law and Order SBU.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: Fascinated by this though.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_02: Not the chili dog so much, because I'm kind of the dom the dom drop, got you, huh?
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, so I am really interested from a human behavior perspective on the impacts of this work on you.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: I I think I was assuming maybe too prematurely that it was therapeutic to go in and be in charge in there when you can't in other spaces in your life.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_02: But it sounds like there's there's a mix of of things that go on.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_02: You want to share that with us?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is exhausting being dominant all the time, which is why it makes perfect sense why they come to me for sessions, right?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, sometimes, man, I don't even want to make a decision.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to go home and watch my SBU or something, you know?
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's I guess that's you know the biggest part of why.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's just there's a it's there's ups and downs about everything as far as uh how it affects me.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: I would say relationship-wise, this is probably one of the loneliest jobs.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's not a lot of men that can be comfortable in letting their partner go out and be with other individuals in a different kind of setting, I guess you would say.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or they can't handle a strong female.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Don.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's usually the you know, I've always said to you know, men that I'm dating, if I don't, if I have bigger balls than you, we're not gonna work.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: So in the fact that what do I see all the time are married men, right?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of puts the idea of marriage like out the window for me.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, I just factor they're all gonna be like that then, you know.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've yet to meet somebody that isn't.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_03: What what happens in the future, Ruby?
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_03: Where where do you see yourself in let's say 10, 15 years?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think we go from being DOMs into being educators.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where me and Katie would like to head to someday.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we would like to have a training program that teaches women, especially in this in this scene too, to be respectful of each other, to empower your female, your to empower your sisters, to not look at other women as a threat.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Little things like that, you know, just being or or to teach women to understand their power is number one, right?
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: So many don't.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: But women are so powerful they don't even realize it.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of them.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: Would you ch would you say that this career chose you or that you chose this career?
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_03: Great question.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: I would say this career chose me.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_03: Why would you say that?
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because it fit like a glove and it was placed at my feet.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: The idea of it, right?
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Was placed at my feet in a time where I really needed it.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like the universe put it right there.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a moment in my life.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: Either you take it or you're just gonna be doing the same shit.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be miserable doing the same shit always.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a scary step, right?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing here.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any of this equipment, I don't have any training, and I'm gonna be meeting with people like it was it was a lot at first, but but now it, you know, and it's funny because when I tell people what I do, none of them are surprised.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: And these are people that I went to high school with, or you know, shit, even elementary.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, they're you know, my mother when I told her what I do for a living, and she's like, I see this for you.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: So crazy.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: We love this for you, yeah, and I love it for me too.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yeah, I mean I look back on that old person, the you know, the old me a long time ago, and I'm like, man, she had no idea what life was about to give her, you know, about the gift she was about to get.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: Gift, just of having an open mind, just starting from that point, having an open mind has made all the difference in my life.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, different kinds of clothes that people wouldn't normally wear.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many, you know, so many different things that we get to do that people take for granted.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there are, you know, some things that people will wear that they they feel like this is what I have to wear as a dominatrix.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, and that's how I started out.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I started out.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: However, I learned quickly on I just still gotta be me.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was trying to be like all these other dominatrix, and I'm like, I don't want to do that, I want to just be me.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm comfortable.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I've shown up to a session before wearing a Wu-Tang clan onesie and some Ug boots.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, and they loved it.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, you know what?
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're you.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it they'll ask me to wear this or that, and I'm like, you know, that's great and all, but I'm gonna wear what I'm gonna wear.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am all about humor and smiles, and and that's actually one of the biggest things I do with my clients.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna make you laugh about it first so you can get a little bit more comfortable with it, right?
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or with people in society, I know I could probably look a little bit severe and unapproachable.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: But when I'm at the airport and I'm wearing a shirt that says, it's not gay if it's TSA.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: And people love it, you know, there's lots of laughs everywhere, it's just funny, you know.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've gone skydiving in a tutu because it's funny, you know, just little stuff like that.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's humor, yeah, and you know, I bring a lot of humor into the BDSM community.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: If that's any of my gifts into this world, that's definitely one of them.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love to laugh about it.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny, it's very funny what we are able to do sometimes, you know, it's very serious too.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, it's uh it's it could be a very funny situation at times.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Ruby, as not only Don and I, but all of our listeners have learned so much.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I know we could have gone forever with this interview in every which way, but we just want to thank you for sharing your story with us.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_03: You've officially joined the ranks of the brave and the bold.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_02: All right, thank you.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_02: It was so fun talking to you.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: Likewise, and I appreciate you both.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me on your podcast.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so just being you.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being you, because not everybody can be.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_02: That's it for this week's confession.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_02: We've laughed, cringed, and maybe questioned our own career choices.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_03: Big thanks to our anonymous guests for keeping it real and reminding us that behind every job title is a story worth telling.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_03: If you've got a workplace confession of your own, we're all ears.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_03: Hit us up at our email address.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_03: And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and share.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_03: Your support helps us keep the secrets flowing.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, keep your badge clipped, your coffee strong, and your stories wild.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_02: This is Workplace Confessions Behind Closed Doors.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's it for this week's Confession.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_02: We've laughed, cringed, and maybe questioned our own career choices.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: Big thanks to our anonymous guests for keeping it real and reminding us that behind every job title is a story worth telling.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_03: If you've got a workplace confession of your own, we're all ears.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_03: Hit us up at our email address.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_03: And don't forget to subscribe, rate, and share.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_03: Your support helps us keep the secrets flowing.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, keep your badge clipped, your coffee strong, and your stories wild.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_02: This is Workplace Confessions Behind Closed Doors.