Latest / Celeste The Therapist / EP 499 The Emotional Journey of Outgrowing Relationships

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EP 499 The Emotional Journey of Outgrowing Relationships · Celeste The Therapist

0:00
You are now tuned in to Celeste, the therapist podcast. Hello,
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my name is Celeste. Thank you so much for giving me a try. If
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you are new here, I wanna say thank you so much for checking me
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out. What we do here is I talk about
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areas of our lives that we get stuck in. I talk
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about why we get stuck and I help you shift the way you think
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about it by giving you practical tools. I'm all about
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using what you have, starting where you can. And I
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think a lot of times people tend to give up because they don't
0:32
understand why they're feeling the things that they're feeling
0:35
or why things are happening. And I find that the more
0:39
educated we are about a topic, the better it is
0:43
for us to create change in our life. If
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you are a long-time listener, thank you so much for sticking it out with
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me. I appreciate you. If you enjoy these
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episodes that I do, do me a favor, share it with
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somebody that you love. If you want a topic discussed, all
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you got to do is email me, info at celestatherapist.com. If
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you want to follow me, you can follow me everywhere at Celesta Therapist.
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Also, I have a whole wellness center that I created called
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Shifting the Way You Think. And if you want to learn more
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about the wellness center, get involved, attend one of
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the classes, all you got to do is go to stwyt.com. Again,
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that's www.stwyt.com. All
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right, let's get into this amazing episode. Hey,
1:35
hi, beautiful people. If you're new here, I
1:39
want to just say thank you for checking me out. Today we're
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talking about grieving relationships, and I'm not just talking about
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relationships of people who are no longer here on earth. I'm
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actually talking about relationships of people that are still living. This
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is a topic that a lot of people aren't aware is
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affecting them. It happens all the time for so many different reasons.
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And my goal today is for you to really have a deeper understanding of
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what's going on with you in the relationships that may no
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longer serve you and why you may be feeling how you're feeling. So,
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you know, with these podcasts that I do look at it as if
2:14
you are in class and learning something. So I
2:17
encourage you to keep a notebook when you listen to the podcast, take
2:21
some notes and not let this be the last time you revisit
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this kind of thing, especially if it's something that you find yourself
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struggling in. I find that around like when people
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are on a healing journey, Or when people are in their late 20s,
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early 30s, a lot of this stuff tends to come out. And
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it happened with me. I did not have anyone to
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talk to this about. I didn't even realize what was going on. It just happened. And
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when I look back at some of the dynamics of my relationships, I
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recognize that I had essentially outgrown people. And
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it's not that the people are bad. It's essentially the fact of
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the matter is that we don't all grow on the same level. Think
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about flowers. You could plant flowers in a garden, and
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some are going to grow high. They don't all grow at the same level. Essentially, that's
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what happens with relationships when we're with
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people. So first, understanding what grieving
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is. Grieving, a relationship involves navigating the emotional, cognitive, and
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social dimensions of loss. It may include feelings
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of longing for the past, questioning one's identity without
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the other person, and the challenge of moving forward while still holding on
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to memories of the relationships. Ultimately, it's
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a personal process that varies from person to person, but
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it can lead to self-discovery. And
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if you are listening on the audio, this is also available on YouTube. If
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you go to CelestiaTherapist.com or just go to YouTube and
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type in Celestia Therapist, you'll find this episode on YouTube. where
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I provide visuals as I talk because I'm such a visual learner. I
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like to provide that for people. So when you think about the idea of
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grieving, it's a loss on different dimensions. And
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when you look at this wellness world right here, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual,
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physical, environmental, financial, occupational, all these
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areas could include some kind of loss of grief That may
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happen and not only am I talking about like grieving relationships
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of people in your life But it could be grieving the relationship of who
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you had with yourself before who you were before Um, so
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these things are important to acknowledge because a lot of times we're
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suffering Feeling
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these things don't have a name for what we're feeling and we don't understand
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why we're feeling the way we're feeling change,
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right? And I want to help you understand some
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reasons why relationships change. So if you look at this
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slide, the first one is personal growth, right? So
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this is the main one that happens all the time. As we grow, sometimes,
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like I said, people will not grow with us. The values that
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we may have. Back
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in the day, in my early 20s, I enjoyed partying Thursday, Friday,
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Saturday, Sunday. still
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get done, but I was in the streets. There's
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a Friday set. When I have time off, you're going to find me a new
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meal, literally like relaxing and feeling amazing.
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Not saying there's anything wrong with partying, but for me, that was
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a lifestyle that I had and I
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no longer had. So let's say as I'm growing and
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the people I partied with before, I'm starting to
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recognize like, oh, that's not what I want to do, right? And so unfortunately,
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sometimes we start to drift away because of that. Maybe they
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don't want to learn about cooking. They don't want to read, right? So
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our interests and things are going to look different. Life
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circumstances are another reason why relationships change.
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So major life events such as moving to a new city, changing
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jobs, marriage, parenthood can
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cause those same
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dynamics that kept us there. When people have a
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child, I've had people, you know, they'll talk about a
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relationship in their life. And I'll know that that person had just had a kid, but
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then they'll complain that this person is not hitting them
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up like they used to before. And I have to remind them and say, you know, maybe
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it has something to do with the fact that they just had a kid, you know? And
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so sometimes we may have a type. body
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and their circumstance may change. They no longer have the
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capacity to entertain us or to be around us the way they
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did before. And this is important to keep in mind because
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a lot of times what happens, especially if you have abandonment issues,
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your mind can interpret that as this person is abandoning you.
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Guess what? Sometimes people might be going through some things that you don't realize
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is happening. And instead of internalizing it
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and taking it personal, it's important to give people grace. And
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as they're going through the transition or you're going through a transition, there's
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a possibility that the relationship may not be as tight as it was before, right?
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So as we're talking about this idea of grieving relationships and
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recognizing the status and understanding why
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it's changing, It will allow us to not feel so
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much hurt inside. Some of that hurt that you may feel from the dynamic
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of the relationship changing could be due to some hurt from
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your past. And because the feeling is eerily similar,
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your system is processing it as if, oh my gosh, look
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at what's happening. They're doing it again. And you have this intense pain
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about something that you are creating in your mind
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off of the feeling that you have. Another
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reason why relationships may change is differing value and beliefs. Over
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time, people may discover that their core values or
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beliefs are not aligned, right? And sometimes
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we're with people because we went to grade school together or college, right? We
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start getting some assistance with understanding ourself better.
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We start understanding what our real values are, you know? We
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start to realize the direction we really want to go and Unfortunately,
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like sometimes it's not the people in our lives that
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are going to be on that same path. And so we have to
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be intentional on really recognizing that. Communication issues.
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So poor communications can lead to misunderstanding, resentment, and
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emotional distance. If individuals are unable to express their
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needs, feelings effectively, the relationship may suffer. Unfortunately, this
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is happening way too often because guess what? We're not taught about our emotions. This
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little feelings chart I have right here that I got from the beam website.
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Um, it shows, uh, different emotions,
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right? So we are human. We are going to go through emotions and
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whether you like it or not, I seen a post that said, Oh my gosh, these emotions suck.
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I wish they would just go away. And the more you fight the
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fact that you're human and you're going to have emotions, the more you're going to suffer and
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feel like life is happening to you. And so if
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you are mindful on what's happening, how
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you are feeling, you could find yourself not allowing it
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to consume you. So when it comes to these communication issues
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that we find ourselves struggling with, a lot of times
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we are feeling something and we don't know how to articulate it to the
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people in our lives, whether it's a partner, a friend, a family
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member, right? This happens with a lot of close relationships, especially
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intimate relationships. A lot of times we're triggered the most
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in those kind of relationships because they're the closest people
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to us. And something that they're doing may not
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be intentional or about us, but the feeling of some
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pain that took place in a previous relationship, whether
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another intimate relationship or a friendship or a family dynamic,
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unfortunately, we end up putting it onto the other person. And then we're sitting
10:23
there holding on to all of these things that may not be true. So
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unfortunately, sometimes communication issues
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can cause distance in a relationship where you may have to grieve,
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right? Another thing is external influences. So
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friends, family, and societal expectations can impact relationship.
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External pressures or influences may lead individuals to question
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their connection or feel compelled to change them. I see this
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a lot in family dynamics. where you may have
10:53
a family member, a parent that says, oh, I want you to do this, but
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you want to do another career, or this is the direction you want to go.
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And it's important not to compromise
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your values where you want to go in life, because what's
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going to happen is you're going to be living with resentment, or
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you may be feeling like not connected or just going through
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the motions, and that's not how life is supposed to be. So
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when it comes to some dynamics of relationships, let's just
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stick with family. There may be distance or
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some kind of disconnect in the relationship we may have with our
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parent because we recognize that they're going to keep putting this
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pressure on us. And now I have to change up how often I'm
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talking to them or how often I'm visiting them. I still love
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this parent. I still love this sibling. I still love this
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friend. But the dynamic of our relationship is
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going to look different because now I'm going to have to make sure I'm guarding
11:51
myself and creating boundaries for myself around this relationship. Emotional
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needs is another reason why relationships can change. As
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people evolve, their emotional need may change. If one person in the
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relationship is unable to meet the other's needs, it can create
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feelings of dissatisfaction and lead to a reevaluation
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of the relationship. this happens. And
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I just want to make a note when it comes to emotional needs, it's
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important that, you know, when I got into my relationship, I
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feel like I, and this is me looking back, this
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is not me in real time saying like, I'm looking for my partner
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to complete my needs. But when I look at it, that's essentially what
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I was doing. I didn't even understand what I needed, but
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here I am looking for my partner to fulfill every need. Um,
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so that's important to understand. So you need to make sure
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you're have awareness and understanding of what your needs are
12:45
and articulating to people in your life. Right. That's
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important. Um, a lot of times when I'm working with people and
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I was, you know, they'll, they'll make this comment about. a partner or
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a friend. And I'll say, well, what is it that you need? And a
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lot of times they're not able to answer that question. I wasn't able to answer that
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question in my adult life, right? Because I just
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felt all these things, but I didn't have words or language to put towards
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it. conflict and resentment ongoing conflicts
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or unresolved issues can create a buildup of resentment, making
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it difficult for the relationship to thrive. If conflicts
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are not addressed, they can lead to a breakdown in
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the relationship so sometimes conflicts happen right it's life. And
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sometimes we're able to get through the conflict, sometimes we're not. Sometimes so
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much time has passed where maybe we get through it, but the
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dynamic of the relationship is looking different. It's no longer the same.
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And that's okay. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be okay. Life
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changes, life stages, different life stages can
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bring out changes in relationships. For example, friendship formed during
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school may change as individuals enter the workforce to start families. So
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essentially this is what I discussed earlier around, you
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know, you may grow up with somebody and we were so close growing up, but
14:03
now, you know, it looks different. We may went to church together. We may went to dance together.
14:08
We may party together, right? Things look different. So that's
14:11
something to keep in mind. The last thing I want to say about reasons
14:15
why relationships change is loss of interest. Sometimes
14:19
individuals may simply lose interest in the relationship. This
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can happen in a romantic friendship or even family
14:26
connections leading to a natural drifting apart. This happens,
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you know, sometimes you get with somebody in a relationship when you were younger and
14:34
you start to understand yourself better. Maybe you guys didn't grow
14:37
together and you're recognizing that this is
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not something that I want to be in anymore. That's a hard
14:44
reality to say, but it's the truth.
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This could happen in friendships, right? We went to college together.
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We had classes. We studied. We was doing it.
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And then as I'm getting older, I'm recognizing that
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I don't want to talk about all my trauma in the past or
15:03
just relationships. I want to do more. I'm evolving. So those
15:07
are some reasons why relationships may change. Another
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thing I want to add to is like when
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it comes to people's mental health. Sometimes
15:19
people may develop major mental health issues like schizophrenia.
15:24
Sometimes people may end up with dementia. So
15:28
there are different things or substance use, right? Where
15:32
maybe you had a sibling or a parent that was there and then now
15:35
they're struggling with substance abuse. They're struggling with bipolar disorder that's
15:39
untreated or schizophrenia. And you don't see that
15:42
person the way you've seen them before. That's a
15:45
loss, right? That's something that you have to
15:49
grieve. because it's not something you have control over
15:52
and circumstances may not change. And so
15:56
these are relationships of people that are still on earth and
15:59
you may not realize like, oh my gosh, I'm grieving. Now
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let's just talk about the stages of grief. I love this diagram because, and
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so for people that are listening, one diagram shows the stage
16:11
and kind of this linear pattern of denial, anger,
16:14
depression, bargaining, and acceptance. And the other
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part has it all over the place, like scribbling, anger, depression.
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You can go from one to the other. The second example of
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the little scribbling thing that I just shared
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is what it really looks like. As you recognize
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the dynamics of your relationship that have changed, you
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may go through a range of emotions. Everybody's process is different. Some
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people may be like, you know what? This relationship doesn't work, and I'm OK with
16:45
it. So it's not that people always are going to grieve certain
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types of relationships. When I switched, when
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I was at a per diem job where there was a lot of internal systemic
16:56
racism, and I left to start my
16:59
wellness center, I didn't grieve the loss of that job.
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So there are certain dynamics where when
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you leave you may find yourself not feeling grief
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and that's okay too, right? Everybody's different. There
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may be friendships that you had and you like went you
17:17
went through some hard times with them and you're like yeah I'm all set. I know
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I don't want to be in this situation with them no more, you may find
17:24
yourself not feeling like any grief. And I'm not saying that
17:28
as you're changing your relationships with people that
17:31
you have to grieve, but I'm sharing this content for
17:35
people that may be in a grieving state and not recognizing
17:39
what's going on. And also, it's good to recognize what's going on
17:42
because there may be some dynamics of relationships that you're in that
17:46
no longer serve you, but it feels hard. You feel this loss that
17:50
is very complicated. And if you understand
17:54
what's going on, it'll allow you to keep moving forward despite
17:58
the complication of emotions that you may be feeling about the situation.
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Now let's end this with talking about coping, right?
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It's important for me to understand, educate
18:11
people about what may be going on, but it's equally important for
18:15
me to give people like tools and tips to help them get through
18:18
the process so that you can feel empowered. Like I want to
18:21
give people things that they can think of doing right now, which is why I
18:25
say, grab that notebook, grab that pen, take notes, go
18:28
back to these notes so that you can feel like you're
18:32
equipped to deal with the things that are going on in your life today. So
18:35
when it comes to coping, I want you to first acknowledge your
18:39
feelings, right? Allowing yourself to feel and
18:42
express your emotions. It's so important. Seeking
18:46
support is important. So sometimes as you're grieving some
18:49
of these relationships, you could talk about it with a coach,
18:53
a therapist, a friend, not in a gossipy way. Don't
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go there talking in a gossipy way. Just have
19:01
a session where you're talking about change and
19:05
growth. So when I say seek support,
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It's not about gossiping, it's not about bashing, but it's about
19:13
having a safe space to talk about how you're feeling. Setting
19:17
boundaries. If you're going to work on coping with the dynamic of
19:20
the relationship, and when I think about some of these dynamics, I
19:24
think about some situations you may be in where you may be dealing
19:27
with a partner that Maybe you want more
19:31
from this partner, and they don't want that. And you may be
19:34
compromising some things that you're doing. You've got to set boundaries
19:39
with these people in your life, right? Because sometimes
19:43
you set boundaries, and they can adhere to your boundaries, and the relationship will
19:46
be fine. But you can't be upset with
19:49
somebody pushing beyond boundaries that you
19:52
never set, right? Those boundaries that you're going to set are
19:56
there for you. They're there to make sure you're okay. They're
19:59
there to honor your values. They're there to honor
20:02
the things that you said you want to do. So setting boundaries in a
20:05
relationship is going to cause some pain, but it's so necessary to
20:09
do. Engaging in self-care, right? Physical,
20:13
emotional, mental self-care is important as
20:16
you're working on trying to grieve. Why not work on
20:20
taking care of yourself in the process? This is something that should be a lifelong thing.
20:24
But if you pour that energy into yourself, it'd be really helpful.
20:29
Reflecting on the relationship. So taking time
20:33
to acknowledge what the relationship meant. There
20:36
are times when I'm working with people and I'm talking about grieving and
20:40
their relationship and I'm saying, it wasn't like it was all bad, right?
20:44
It's okay to acknowledge the positive. It's okay to recognize that, you
20:47
know what, there are complicated emotions that
20:51
are coming up because this person helped me get into college or
20:54
this person helped me with X, Y, and Z. And unfortunately,
20:57
a lot of times you will see, oh, this person helped me get into college.
21:01
They're no good for me now. But you feel like you owe them. But you
21:04
don't owe them compromising your values or what you
21:07
feel or not being able to grow in a direction you want to grow. So it's
21:11
OK to acknowledge the positive aspects that took place in the life. And
21:15
it's OK to recognize this is really hard and it
21:18
feels complicated for me. Creating new connections can
21:22
be helpful, right? Some of my closest people
21:25
in my life, friends, I met in my 30s, right? So
21:30
I had to grieve a lot of relationships as
21:34
I grew, but being able to make connections with
21:37
people, it's not the same. quantity, but the quality
21:41
is different. The quality is like reciprocated and
21:44
it's reciprocal. So focus on building the relationships. It's
21:49
going to be huge. Practicing mindfulness. These
21:53
emotions are so complicated that I
21:57
don't want you to feel like, oh my God, this sucks and just pretend it's not
22:00
happening. I need you to honor what is and
22:03
what's going on, but you can't do that if you don't make time to be still. Making
22:08
time to be still in general, we're talking about grieving relationships, but
22:11
in general, making time to be still is one
22:14
of the best things you can do for yourself. Let's
22:18
go into this quick advertisement and I'll come back with the last three. I hope
22:22
you're enjoying the episode. Quick announcement. I wanna give
22:25
you some ways you can support, right? I have two books. One is
22:28
called Relationship Goals. It's a guide to a healthy relationship. I
22:32
also have a guided journal. And if you find yourself stuck
22:36
in thoughts, wanna get your thoughts on paper, I ask you different
22:39
questions and I also ask you how you're feeling. I provide you
22:43
with the feelings chart. If you go to celestatherapist.com, you
22:47
could find 365 days of intentional living along
22:51
with relationship goals. Another way you could support me,
22:54
I have this wellness center that I'm so excited about
22:58
called Shifting the Way You Think Wellness Center. At my center, I
23:01
do not want finances to be a reason why people can't get what
23:05
they need. So if you wanna donate a class to someone, please
23:09
feel free to go to my website, stwyt.com, and
23:13
you can give a donation. The classes run between 15 and
23:19
$35. My goal is for everyone to be able
23:22
to access these services regardless of finances. So
23:26
if you can donate, please donate to your Girl Center. I
23:30
would be greatly appreciated. All right, y'all, let's get back
23:33
into this amazing episode. All
23:36
right, now let's go over the last couple of things I want you
23:40
to think about as you're trying to cope. Seeking
23:44
professional help, that's important, but engaging in
23:47
creative expression. A lot of times we are
23:51
very, we can be creative music, arts world, right? If
23:55
you start to engage, sometimes people, you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk to a therapist
23:58
and that's okay, right? I know people push therapy, therapy, but
24:02
some people have been harmed by therapy. Some people can't find a therapist. they
24:06
can't afford a therapist. So there are other ways and
24:09
some people are better at showing their emotion
24:13
through arts. So if that is you, be okay
24:16
with engaging in some of the arts that can help. And
24:20
the last thing as you're coping, I want you to focus on your
24:23
personal growth. You use this time to develop like
24:27
your goals, develop the direction you want to go, right? That's
24:31
so important. I really hope this episode was
24:35
helpful, right? I want you to remember that
24:39
everybody's going to grow in different directions
24:43
when it comes to grief. Everybody's grief is going to look different,
24:47
right? Don't put a timetable on it and say, well,
24:51
why is this coming up again? It could have been two years since you've talked to an
24:54
old friend. And then you have this little feeling in your stomach or
24:57
your heart and it feels good. He's like, oh my
25:01
gosh. It's complicated. It's mixed.
25:05
But when those emotions come up, I need you
25:08
to grab an emotion chart. You can Google
25:12
emotional will. And start naming your emotions. When
25:16
you can name your emotions, they won't take over you the way they do. So
25:20
if you enjoyed this episode, y'all know the drill. Share it with somebody that you
25:24
love. If you want to follow me, follow me everywhere by searching Celesta Therapist.
25:27
Don't forget, I have a wellness center. And I'm constantly adding
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events that the center is hosting. And there's also events
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that other people are hosting that are open to the public. And
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at the center, the stuff that's going to be there, as you can see
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on YouTube, if you're watching, um, different things around social wellness,
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emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial, right.
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I want to have, um, different, uh, social, I'm
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going to start creating new, uh, social wellness
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events where you can come together and create art, watch
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a movie, right? Just to get together something outside of
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just going to the club and drinking and partying, right?
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Um, I want people to be able to establish meaningful connections. Um,
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so thank you all so much for rocking out with me. Uh,
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and don't forget to follow me on all social media platforms and