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The Power of Becoming: Transforming Your Identity and Self-Worth · Is Your Way In Your Way?

0:25
Cassandra: In your Way podcast and I'm your host, cassandra Crawley-Mayo.
0:29
Cassandra: And for those new listeners out there, let me share a bit about what this podcast is about.
0:34
Cassandra: Actually, it's for individuals.
0:36
Cassandra: Well, let me tell you this this is who I serve.
0:39
Cassandra: I actually serve purpose-driven women to get out of their way and live a more meaningful, spirit-aligned lives that you were born for, by guiding you through transformational self-discovery rooted in real talk, faith and purpose.
0:58
Cassandra: So, for example, there's certain things you've always wanted to do.
1:02
Cassandra: You know within your heart of hearts.
1:04
Cassandra: You're supposed to write a book.
1:05
Cassandra: You're supposed to get out of a relationship.
1:07
Cassandra: You're supposed to start being.
1:09
Cassandra: You want to become an entrepreneur, start a business, but it's just something that you cannot move.
1:16
Cassandra: It's like you're just stuck in it, right?
1:18
Cassandra: So this is basically what this is about, and we talk about topics related to personal development, self-improvement, and also it will enable you to start reflecting over things in your life, and I always am prayerful that one of these podcasts will give you what I call an aha and say you know what I'm going to do this?
1:42
Cassandra: I'm going to move, I'm going to take this move, I'm going to get unstuck, I'm going to get the help I need or whatever I need to make this happen.
1:50
Cassandra: And so today, while headline, we're going to talk about the power of becoming your identity, your story and self-worth.
2:00
Cassandra: So let me ask you this have you ever felt like you're wearing a mask to survive the day?
2:07
Cassandra: Well, I have a guest on and her name is Brandy, and I'm going to introduce you in a minute.
2:12
Cassandra: But Brandy did too, and so did I.
2:14
Cassandra: So now she helps women remove that mask for good.
2:19
Cassandra: Her story is a raw, real look at how we break free from who we think we're supposed to be.
2:26
Cassandra: So now, listen, now on Is your Way In your Way?
2:31
Cassandra: And I'd like to welcome Brandy Douglas Corcoran.
2:35
Cassandra: Hi Brandy, hi Cassandra, thanks so much for having me on.
2:39
Cassandra: Yeah, it's a pleasure to have you on.
2:50
Cassandra: Okay, so before we get started, I'd like to read your bio just a little bit so my listeners will have a point of reference, like what qualifies you to do this type of work?
3:01
Cassandra: So let me go dive into this bio.
3:05
Cassandra: Brandy is a transformation strategist, spiritual psychologist and founder of Finding Self Coach, and she also has a book titled that.
3:16
Cassandra: With over 30 years in leadership, psychology and personal growth, brandy empowers women to dismantle limiting beliefs and rewrite the narratives that keep them stuck.
3:31
Cassandra: Once a self-described drama queen and burned out mom, she now guides others from pain to purpose using her signature seven-step empowerment process.
3:45
Cassandra: Her raw authenticity and deeply empathetic approach creates a safe space for breakthroughs, because she knows what it's like to crave more from life and believe you are not enough.
4:00
Cassandra: I bet a lot of you when you heard that, you were like, yeah, I need to hear what Brandy has to say.
4:05
Cassandra: Oh, brandy, I want you to describe what was happening in your life that necessitated you to crave more from life and believe you're not enough.
4:16
Cassandra: What was going on in your backstory?
4:18
Cassandra: What happened?
4:21
Brandy: That is a big, big question.
4:23
Brandy: I think the first thing I just want to say is I've heard you read that bio.
4:29
Brandy: What was present for me is at one point when that was written, even that wasn't the truth, that wasn't my story, that was kind of the North Star that if I were to believe and that's really what I work with people is creating an empowered identity and belief.
4:45
Brandy: So if I were to tell myself a really good story about who I want to be, what would that be?
4:50
Brandy: And as I was listening to you, I'm like you know what's cool is.
4:53
Brandy: Now that is my truth.
4:55
Cassandra: That is my story.
4:56
Brandy: So it's neat to see that we can live into that.
4:58
Brandy: As far as what was happening in the past, I mean, sadly I think it's not unfamiliar to many people's stories of instances of sexual trauma, abuse, just that feeling of self-doubt, and you know I could tell you the stories that I say are good subject lines, right, like the drama queen stuff, and that's all very valid and that is my story.
5:26
Brandy: The thing is, if I look below, very valid and that is my story.
5:31
Brandy: The thing is, if I look below, the commonality I think your listeners will see is it's not the what happened.
5:35
Brandy: And this is what people say about trauma.
5:36
Brandy: It's my response, the story I made up, the meaning, I gave it the identity.
5:42
Brandy: Well, this must mean this about me, if that could happen.
5:45
Brandy: So it's traumatic and horrible.
5:48
Brandy: Some of the subject lines I could tell you were happening, it's all the stuff that happened in between and below the surface.
5:55
Brandy: That said, that must be proof that I'm unlovable.
5:58
Brandy: That must be proof that I don't matter.
6:00
Brandy: That must be proof that the world's a confusing place and I don't fit in.
6:05
Brandy: And that's the stuff that I, you know, I talked to my clients, my readers is the water I was swimming in.
6:09
Brandy: It wasn't that I had this belief.
6:10
Brandy: It the stuff that I, you know, I talked to my clients, my readers is the water I was swimming in.
6:11
Brandy: It wasn't that I had this belief, it wasn't that I felt unlovable, it was what was so.
6:17
Brandy: It was the water I was swimming in and that really just flavored and dictated how my life would turn out.
6:27
Cassandra: Well, let me ask you the water that you were swimming in, what were you?
6:33
Cassandra: I mean, those thoughts and those feelings came from something.
6:38
Brandy: Absolutely.
6:39
Cassandra: Yeah, you know, and I always say and I have a chapter in my book is your way, in your way for my new listeners?
6:45
Cassandra: That's the name of my book, as it is the name of my podcast.
6:48
Cassandra: But I always say your childhood has so much to do with your adulthood.
6:53
Cassandra: And when you get in that good space, that safe space, you're like, okay, all right, that's what happened, but that's not who I am today.
7:03
Cassandra: So what happened in your life for you to have that stinking thinking?
7:08
Brandy: And your life for you to have that stinking thinking yeah.
7:11
Brandy: So one of the experiences that I can look back on that had the most fundamentally impactful result in my life was that experience.
7:23
Brandy: You know, I always say like when we're about five or six, you're just kind of like riding your bike playing with your dolls.
7:26
Brandy: You know doing your thing.
7:28
Cassandra: Right.
7:28
Brandy: And it's that moment that happens, where it was like whoa wait, something's wrong and because his children were so egocentric.
7:36
Brandy: If something is wrong out here, that must mean something is wrong in here.
7:40
Brandy: And so it becomes not just the what's happening but it becomes internal.
7:44
Brandy: So for me, that big event and I do write about it in my book but the big event was I was molested when I was six by a younger uh, pre, like a teenager, like 12, 14 year old boy and as awful and traumatic, as like that would be at six.
8:03
Brandy: I didn't know that was inappropriate.
8:05
Brandy: I didn't know that was trauma.
8:06
Brandy: But what really hurt was outside of these moments.
8:11
Brandy: He would rally people to pick on me.
8:14
Brandy: They would tease me, they would set me up, they would make fun of me.
8:17
Brandy: And in that it was that, that belief that developed about I don't matter, Because if I mattered, how could I be treated this way?
8:25
Brandy: And that was very confusing.
8:27
Brandy: To unpack that at six just was impossible.
8:30
Brandy: So it also became that the world is confusing and then throughout my life.
8:57
Brandy: I see you know again.
8:59
Brandy: It happened when I was 11 with a babysitter.
9:00
Brandy: It happened again when I was 16 22 different scenarios like that.
9:06
Brandy: That just reinforced that I really didn't matter, that I was here, here to be used, to be taken from, to be ridiculed, to be put down.
9:15
Cassandra: And.
9:16
Brandy: I took all that on as evidence for what I felt based on when I was six and that was really a confusing experience, so is that why you labeled yourself as the drama queen?
9:35
Cassandra: I think I did not.
9:36
Brandy: That is a good catch, because so one of my beliefs is that to survive something, we take on this way of being and it actually comes from a landmark worldwide education I come from a landmark worldwide education and, at six, to survive this experience that I don't matter and the world's confusing, one of the ways of being I took on was dramatic, so I can flare up anything and I mean, as you see me, it's not that it's a negative, it's just it's a part of my way of being and it was also something that was given to me, as that's what you said.
10:11
Brandy: Like was that something that you decided?
10:13
Brandy: It was just confirmed by other people, and I think that's one of the difficult parts about finding self, getting our identity and the way that you I love the name of your podcast is your way, in your way.
10:24
Brandy: I was thinking about that and it was like it made a lot of sense to me, because I find people can be really disloyal to their or loyal to their dysfunction and that's in their own way.
10:35
Brandy: With that and a lot of the things that I identified with, I would describe myself as came from well-meaning teachers, parents, family members who would tell me who I was or would describe me.
10:52
Cassandra: Yeah, what did they say?
10:55
Cassandra: You were Like, just name a couple of things.
10:58
Brandy: Crazy like a fox crazy gram, right.
11:02
Brandy: So it all had to do with and I love Jamie Kern Lima talks about this.
11:05
Brandy: She says you're not crazy, you're just first.
11:08
Brandy: And I didn't know that then, but I was the first in my family to really have emotional awareness, to be very emotionally expressive, all the things that were being labeled as dramatic.
11:19
Brandy: Yeah, we're just, we're the first.
11:21
Brandy: We didn't do that in our family.
11:23
Brandy: I'm 51, so put that into reference for, depending on your listeners, what age they are, um, that just wasn't what you did.
11:30
Brandy: You just swept it under the rug, you just powered through, you made fun of yourself and I remember the quote was if you can't laugh at yourself in this family, you won't survive.
11:38
Brandy: And I was like that didn't sit right, right, when it didn't sit right with, at least it was verbalizing it.
11:46
Cassandra: Right, so you wore a mask.
11:49
Cassandra: It's just like yeah, you wore a mask to hide your identity your identity.
11:58
Brandy: Yeah, I played that.
11:59
Brandy: I played the part that was given to me and the part that my little six-year-old brain decided I was, and you're right, that became my identity.
12:05
Cassandra: Exactly.
12:05
Cassandra: Now tell us share a pivotal moment that reshaped your identity.
12:14
Brandy: Oh, of course, as anyone, there are a few few right.
12:18
Brandy: Um, I think those little moments along the way are finding the people in your life that just love on you and lift you up and say the things that you, you know.
12:29
Brandy: It's like that.
12:30
Brandy: Hold on to my belief until you have it for yourself and my best friend.
12:36
Brandy: we've been best friends since we were 15, in grade 10.
12:38
Brandy: She has always been that person for me that really has lifted up and held me up.
12:44
Brandy: I think the thing is along the way.
12:47
Brandy: I didn't love how I was living, I was living into it, and it wasn't until probably my divorce seven years ago where I realized like I didn't like how I was doing life and who I was being, regardless of what was happening, regardless of what he did or why we ended, or I had to sit with myself right yeah, I realized like some of the actions I was doing and some of the ways I was being weren't anything I ever thought I wanted.
13:17
Brandy: And it stole the little piece of myself.
13:19
Brandy: Each time I lied, each time I, you know, was like dishonoring to myself in any kind of way, or anytime I just shut up and tuck it or yeah, it just it wasn't aligned with what I felt inside.
13:35
Cassandra: Well, let me ask you how do you identify yourself now?
13:43
Brandy: Who is Brandy?
13:44
Brandy: Yeah, that's a great question and I love that your focus is on identity, because that's one of my beliefs as well as and Tony Robbins speaks about it but that we, one of our human natures, is that we need to remain consistent with our identity, with who we say we are.
14:01
Brandy: I think the hard part is when we're not even aware of who we say we are or, like I said, that it's the water we swim in, that we have a choice that I can change that.
14:10
Brandy: So the person that I say I am today is someone who values being authentic.
14:19
Brandy: Person that I say I am today is someone who values being authentic, values kindness, and at the same time, I know I can also shut that down and be unkind if needed, and there's a really great story in my book about that.
14:26
Brandy: That was one of those transformational moments where me identifying as kind, but identifying as kind because I had to be, because what drove me was being a people pleaser and having people's love, so I was kind to a fault where it was like my boundaries, my safety, all of that what I needed didn't matter if somebody else's needs came first.
14:49
Brandy: So, yes, I still value kind and I still would describe myself as a kind person, and I can also stop, as I've had to do recently, when people are treating me a certain way.
15:00
Brandy: So it's not driven by people pleasing, it's driven by a value of kindness, and that's who I say.
15:06
Brandy: I am even in situations now where people aren't aren't showing up, aren't being kind I will still respond in the way that I would respond, because I refuse to let people change who I now say I am.
15:17
Brandy: My identity has shifted from being the drama queen right For the crazy one the descriptions that people have given me to an identity that I've claimed.
15:31
Cassandra: So, yeah, so it sounds like a lot of this comes from awareness.
15:37
Cassandra: You know, it's kind of like.
15:39
Cassandra: You know, when you were talking, I thought about a therapist that I have and one of the things she asked me was do you like yourself?
15:49
Cassandra: And I was like, big question, yeah.
15:52
Cassandra: And I said she said, well, I'll tell you what I'd like for you to do and I'm saying this to my listeners as well Write a letter to yourself.
16:13
Cassandra: Don't type it, just handwrite it.
16:13
Cassandra: Don't make, don't mark anything out, don't edit it and write down what it is that you like about yourself.
16:16
Cassandra: And just that in itself made me like, wow, I'm not so bad after all.
16:19
Cassandra: You know you write down what it is that you like about yourself.
16:23
Cassandra: So that by you saying that, made me think about that.
16:27
Cassandra: How awareness is critical.
16:29
Cassandra: You know that you're aware that you're kind and you have values and you have boundaries, and to have people in your circle around you, that solidifies that.
16:41
Cassandra: Or something else I always say is don't you know?
16:47
Cassandra: I always say associate with individuals, not the yes man all the time, but don't be so condescending.
16:54
Cassandra: You know I have someone that's been condescending.
16:57
Cassandra: I'm like you know what I need to separate myself.
17:00
Cassandra: You need to take care of yourself, and that's what you're saying, and that's the part that I love, and it takes me to your mission.
17:08
Cassandra: You have a mission now is to help individuals liberate, free themselves from beliefs, stories and identities that limit them so they can step into their unique greatness and man.
17:24
Cassandra: That is amazing to me.
17:26
Cassandra: So, before we talk about the work you do and the steps you take, how have you transformed limiting beliefs into empowerment, empowering possibilities?
17:38
Cassandra: How did you do that?
17:40
Brandy: Like for myself.
17:41
Brandy: Yeah, how did I?
17:42
Brandy: Yes, and I love you said awareness, because that's actually step one in my seven steps and that would be how it was.
17:52
Brandy: You know, I think it started back when I was doing my undergrad and I remember still struggling quite a bit.
18:00
Brandy: I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 18.
18:03
Brandy: And I, since I was seven, after that first incident, started seeing a child psychologist for a bit, and so it's just been a part of my life, that that mental health piece that I've struggled with.
18:14
Brandy: And I got to the point where I was on the max dose you could take for antidepressants.
18:17
Brandy: I was like young twenties, in my undergrad, and I was still so, having these obsessive thoughts and I just went this isn't just medical, this isn't just biological Like this.
18:29
Brandy: There's other things going on that I have to figure out or I'm not going to survive.
18:33
Brandy: And it was that realization that, um, and yeah, cause?
18:36
Brandy: Yeah, because I had had had feelings and ideation of suicide and not wanting to be here because it just felt hard and heavy.
18:42
Brandy: And I remember thinking like I have to get to the, to the figure this out, or this is it, this is not, I'm not going to survive this and that was like early 20s, like you have your life ahead of you, right.
18:52
Brandy: But that just felt real and in looking that, I'd cleared out some of the people in my life that were not healthy for me and, yeah, I just really stood on my own, which would have been okay except for, like that little spicy drama part of me.
19:08
Brandy: When people would ask me out for that two years in university, I would say I'm in a relationship with myself.
19:13
Brandy: Right now you could just say no because they they're like moonwalk out of the room.
19:18
Brandy: Yeah, I'm like, that's okay, but that was honoring to me, right, as it was like I wasn't just not dating, I was actually trying to develop.
19:25
Brandy: Like you said that therapist, do you like yourself?
19:28
Brandy: Oh my gosh, no to the point I would hurt myself so and mentally and physically.
19:33
Brandy: So I took that two years and I literally have a list of like dates with myself and I took myself on like in a relationship and even when people say, oh, I went alone, you went with yourself.
19:47
Brandy: It's really important to me that I have that, that friendship and that.
19:50
Brandy: I can have my own back, and that's one of the biggest things I do with my clients is when you get to that point it's not about teaching you how to speak in a moment, what to do, what you're bad like yes, all of that but when you have that sense of yourself, yeah, and that relationship, yeah, you got, you got it, you got it, and so that's really what I spent that time doing.
20:10
Brandy: And then I love the story you said too, because then it reminded me when I did my master's in spiritual psychology, one of the things we had to do with the letter to yourself you're saying is go through all these key moments in our life and write out for the girls it was a herstory of loving, a history of loving, and it was a herstory of loving and it was all these key moments and really getting that awareness about, like, what was going on at that time that I can look back and see I was hurt that something came out of that with that built my belief, my identities.
20:42
Brandy: That is limiting me, that is holding me back, and then to actually shift it and see it from new eyes.
20:48
Brandy: We call it reframing.
20:49
Brandy: Yeah, to have the awareness piece and then to actually allow yourself to tell a new story a story that works for you yeah, change the narrative right, it's funny says change the story, change your life.
21:01
Brandy: It's it was like okay, what is truth?
21:04
Brandy: Is my interpretation of events or somebody else's interpretation they're giving me?
21:09
Brandy: so if that's it, then I can change that narrative, I can tell myself a new story and I can see it, and so it's like here's the same thing, and what I do is I take people and I'm like let's look at it on a different side.
21:19
Brandy: I'm not validating what happened, I'm not validating the impact in the story.
21:24
Brandy: Let's look at it from a way and tell it in a way that actually serves you, versus limits and hurts you.
21:31
Cassandra: Okay.
21:31
Brandy: And that was probably one of the biggest shifts as well.
21:34
Brandy: So you call that a history of loving, history of loving.
21:38
Brandy: So, instead of seeing all these, these huge moments in your life that created you to be who you are, instead of seeing them as painful and traumatic and awful, can you like acknowledge them, tell the story and then choose to write a new story about it, about the meaning, about what it says about you, about what it says about other humans, what it says about the world that we live in.
21:59
Brandy: And then I wrote, like some affirmations with that, to support that new story.
22:04
Brandy: And so we did this at each age stage of life in this program and that was really transformational as far as being able to see that I have the power within to change that story.
22:15
Brandy: I can't change what happened yeah.
22:19
Cassandra: Give my listeners an example.
22:20
Cassandra: I like that.
22:21
Cassandra: Like you know, tell a story or something, your history of loving, and walk us through how, what needed to be reframed and the narrative that you decided to come up with.
22:35
Cassandra: This one story, Well, it could be you, that's okay, I'm just trying to think of I was.
22:44
Brandy: What's present is the story I've already told about when I was six.
22:47
Brandy: Right, that was one of the stories I reshifted and reframed and okay, instead of from my, my current age.
22:54
Brandy: At that time, when I allowed myself to tell the story, it was like mid-20s kind of age, instead of being a mid-20 year old judging that six-year-old right.
23:04
Brandy: I told the story about connection and about this little six-year-old who got this, this experience of being um, having the attention, and and shifted it from saying that it didn't have to mean that I didn't matter, but that I could see it as somebody else's pain, I could take it away from what the meaning it had for me.
23:29
Brandy: I'm trying to think of something a little less deep and dark.
23:32
Brandy: For people that have to shift stories that have come up more recently, I think it would just be like I don't know Cause some of the tools and the work I do with people is getting them to to ask like what else could be true here.
23:50
Brandy: So for everybody that story is a little bit different.
23:53
Brandy: Yeah, do you have an example?
23:56
Cassandra: I can help.
23:57
Cassandra: Do you have?
23:57
Cassandra: Do you have like a, since depression's a big thing in the world?
24:03
Cassandra: You know it's, it's taboo it has been, you know and people don't want to talk about it.
24:09
Cassandra: But more people are talking about it and you know, and you have a bout of it is there, you know, and, and like you.
24:16
Cassandra: You.
24:17
Brandy: Just you have a bout of it is there, you know, and, and like you, you just you're aware, you confess, you know I was clinically diagnosed with clinical depression at 18, so how did you get through that?
24:29
Cassandra: how did that become okay?
24:32
Brandy: I think just that, cassandra, exactly what you're saying.
24:35
Brandy: Okay, it's for me finding self, it's the integration of all parts, and I still struggle with this on parts I'm less proud of.
24:42
Brandy: I was just having a conversation with a coaching client this morning about that.
24:45
Brandy: It's like you did what you did and you didn't do what you didn't do.
24:48
Brandy: Right, so it's, it's that acceptance of like.
24:52
Brandy: I truly believe that we are always trying the best we can, given what we have at that moment.
24:58
Brandy: So it's really easy for me to look at my past self now and go yeah, and cringe and I do like it's something like oh, so it's like deciding.
25:08
Brandy: You know what.
25:08
Brandy: She was doing the best she could.
25:09
Brandy: Ok, she was struggling with a need to be like seen and like she didn't know how to express herself.
25:15
Brandy: She didn't know how to ask what she needed and wanted.
25:18
Brandy: So instead there's this weird, funky, inauthentic, manipulative behavior.
25:24
Brandy: I'm trying to get my way, without admitting it's my way, but wanting you to want it to be my way and with, with depression and in those moments and I actually I've shared with you before we came on camera, some of the the stuff and the family upset and tragedy that's going on in our lives right now and I've really had to walk the talk as far as, like, acceptance.
25:46
Brandy: This is not how I want to show up, this is not what I would prefer to be doing in my life right now, going through this, when I had all these business plans and all these ideas and I was on this track with my health and my weight and like, and it's like.
26:01
Brandy: In those moments, can I still show up for myself?
26:04
Brandy: Can I acknowledge what my body feels, what my heart feels, what my brain's thinking?
26:10
Brandy: Can I just acknowledge it without engaging and believing?
26:15
Brandy: and still deciding that I can still tell the story, but what we resist persists.
26:21
Brandy: So if we don't have that acceptance piece, what happens is that we spend so much time and energy resisting and it just gets louder.
26:32
Brandy: I always say if you don't listen, the universe turns up the volume and gives you a bigger opportunity to hear what needs to be dealt with and said and accepted.
26:40
Brandy: And that actually is.
26:42
Brandy: It's almost like you're walking through it.
26:43
Brandy: That is one of my steps as well.
26:45
Brandy: Is that the first step is awareness.
26:48
Brandy: Okay, your beliefs, right, conscious or not, they're going to run your life, because you know, we all hear the saying um, I believe it because I see it.
26:58
Brandy: It's actually you see it because you believe it.
27:00
Brandy: Right, you're a little.
27:01
Brandy: What am I supposed to look for?
27:05
Brandy: And then your identity, because you want to stay consistent with who you say you are okay so kindness.
27:12
Brandy: Right, I said kindness and it had me not leave a situation that was hard because I was trapped in kindness.
27:18
Brandy: So your identity, good, bad or otherwise.
27:21
Brandy: If I say I'm that, that's what I will live according to.
27:26
Brandy: So step one is that awareness, that beliefs and identity.
27:29
Brandy: And I say who is running you?
27:30
Brandy: Because whether you see it or not, it is going to run you.
27:36
Cassandra: And then so acceptance.
27:37
Cassandra: Yes, so the second one is belief.
27:40
Brandy: No, the first one is awareness, right, just starting to understand what your beliefs, identity, are.
27:45
Brandy: The second one is emotional mastery, so really starting to learn how to be with your feelings, how to process them, how to accept them, and so emotional mastery and acceptance okay, and with that one, you know we really look at like language and shitting on yourself and right, all of those behaviors that indicate, hey, I, I, just there's parts of me I can't accept and I'm sorry, but you aren't going to have that integration and and authentic self if there's still parts of myself I'm judging for what I did when I didn't know what, I didn't even know.
28:18
Cassandra: That's right, right yeah.
28:20
Brandy: Right.
28:20
Brandy: So those are the first two steps.
28:22
Brandy: It's almost like you've been given a heads up and you know how to get it, or they're just common sense, but we just have a problem.
28:29
Cassandra: Yeah, so you.
28:30
Cassandra: You led me into the next question.
28:34
Cassandra: I wanted to know what the seven step empowerment process is.
28:39
Cassandra: So the first one is awareness and second one is emotional mastery.
28:43
Cassandra: What's your third?
28:45
Brandy: Emotional mastery and acceptance is that second step.
28:48
Brandy: And the third one is that clarity of intention and it's funny when I ask my clients is how, especially moms and and later on in life, when I say, what do you want?
29:01
Brandy: And that clarity of intention is what outcome do I want?
29:07
Brandy: Cause we forget.
29:08
Brandy: We forget that we actually get to design our lives.
29:12
Brandy: We forget that we actually get to say, because you just wake up one day and you're like how did I get here?
29:20
Brandy: And without that awareness piece and that acceptance, we don't know.
29:25
Cassandra: Right, right so we don't.
29:28
Brandy: Actually, we forget that we can say so.
29:30
Brandy: Clarity of intention is like what do you want?
29:32
Brandy: What do you want your relationships to look like?
29:34
Brandy: What do you want your physical health to like?
29:35
Brandy: What do you want your physical health to be?
29:36
Brandy: What do you want?
29:37
Brandy: Just even the way you show up.
29:38
Brandy: You know through the process of who I became after that divorce, when I realized that I didn't love the person I was seeing in the mirror I didn't even know her.
29:46
Brandy: I was like you said you would never be this right.
29:50
Brandy: I always say people say people who love me, or how could you're actually, how you're amazing and you know people who love you say all the loving things and one of my favorite things, I'm in a relationship now.
30:01
Brandy: I'm engaged in a relationship for just over six years and one of my favorite things is who I am in that relationship.
30:09
Brandy: OK it spoils me.
30:11
Brandy: Yes, we have communication.
30:12
Brandy: Yes, we have all the things, and one of my favorite things is who I am.
30:16
Brandy: So when people say how could Sean have left you, how could he divorce you, I say Sean didn't.
30:22
Brandy: Sean wasn't married to the same person.
30:24
Brandy: Travis gets to date because we aren't the same.
30:28
Brandy: So that clarity of intention is is about understanding like, wow, if I could say this and make this happen, what would I pick?
30:40
Cassandra: Mm-hmm.
30:41
Cassandra: Yeah, okay, okay, number four.
30:45
Brandy: Number four is now that we know what we want.
30:48
Brandy: It's about constructing empowered identity, beliefs and stories empowered identity, beliefs and stories.
30:55
Brandy: So, if I can change the narrative, if it is just about the story, because if there was one truth, why wouldn't?
31:04
Brandy: we all see it the same way, right?
31:05
Brandy: So if it is about that, I can change the narrative.
31:06
Brandy: If I get to say who I am, regardless of my past, regardless of where I came from, if I get to tell who I am, my identity, and I get to decide what I'm going to believe, what I'm going to tell my brain because it only has to be at least 51%- right.
31:22
Brandy: Reinforced over time.
31:23
Brandy: Your brain will seek that evidence.
31:25
Brandy: So if I get to do all that now, step four is about constructing empowered beliefs, identity and stories.
31:31
Brandy: So, if it's all what we say anyways, why not tell yourself a story that works?
31:38
Cassandra: Okay, and number five.
31:41
Brandy: This one.
31:42
Brandy: This one takes a few sessions.
31:44
Brandy: It's declaring 100% responsibility.
31:49
Brandy: Okay, for yourself for for everything your life, your relationships and this is why it takes some work, because often we talk about social relationships like 50, 50, but if you really think about it, that's kind of weird.
32:04
Brandy: Like where would you put that line and how would you?
32:06
Brandy: Oh no, that's your part and that.
32:08
Brandy: Oh, yeah, and if you declare a hundred percent responsibility, this is your power.
32:13
Brandy: This is the only place that I can actually engage change.
32:19
Brandy: So I'll give you an example for that because I like exams.
32:23
Brandy: I find that's part the reason my book is part autobiography is like let's put it on the court, otherwise it's just concepts, right?
32:28
Brandy: So, um, when the divorce was happening, I said to my, I said to myself I picked an intention that I would have a family I am proud of, where everyone was happy, healthy, whole and complete.
32:41
Brandy: And that was my North North Star.
32:43
Brandy: That was my guiding light.
32:45
Cassandra: All the mess.
32:46
Brandy: All the upset, all the fear, all the like story of single mom, what that?
32:50
Cassandra: looked like.
32:51
Brandy: And I was communicating with my ex and we were battling back and forth about it was a schedule thing and I was like I don't understand how he can't see this and he was standing for his ground and said we hung up a couple times and would come back into the conversation and I just stopped myself like hours later this has been a process of the day and I went a family I'm proud of okay, that's my intention.
33:18
Brandy: If I'm a hundred percent responsible for that, what does that look like on the court?
33:22
Brandy: and I called him back and I said I don't understand.
33:24
Brandy: Can you help me understand?
33:26
Brandy: Okay this is what I'm hearing and he explained that when we don't have a schedule, he felt like he was at my beck and call and that he didn't feel respected, like he had a whole story about us not having a specific schedule and me changing things up and it was he felt disrespected.
33:47
Brandy: So his meaning making, but ultimately he was like, without a schedule, I feel this way oh, I can do a schedule.
33:54
Brandy: So by declaring a hundred percent responsibility and me saying like I want to get this from his perspective, it gave me access to, like, what was actually turned out to be a very small thing.
34:05
Brandy: But before that point, with me like no, that's your fault.
34:08
Brandy: Why don't you understand what I'm going through?
34:10
Brandy: And it was a battle.
34:11
Brandy: So declaring 100% responsibility is like what do I need to do?
34:14
Brandy: Who do I need to be to have this altar?
34:18
Brandy: And I declared that I was responsible for that, not him.
34:21
Brandy: Okay, I was, I am, and the thing, the word in that that matters, is declare.
34:26
Brandy: I'm not talking about your fault.
34:29
Brandy: You're to blame, right?
34:30
Brandy: Nobody's making it all on your shoulders, right, right?
34:33
Cassandra: Nobody's making it all on your shoulders.
34:34
Brandy: Right, it's.
34:34
Brandy: I'm declaring it, I'm owning it.
34:36
Brandy: I'm like out of my way, I got this.
34:39
Cassandra: OK, that's power.
34:40
Cassandra: Yeah, it is.
34:42
Cassandra: Let's give us number six.
34:44
Brandy: Number six is intentional action and support strategies.
34:47
Brandy: So this is where, I like, the toolbox comes into play.
34:50
Brandy: Language is a big one here.
34:52
Brandy: A lot of times we don't understand or really appreciate the impact of our language, because our brains hear us.
35:01
Brandy: So, even though you know, the way we describe something is really powerful when that divorce is happening.
35:06
Brandy: I realized, like by saying single mother or divorce, that created a world for people, just with those words.
35:12
Brandy: Right, that's right so yeah, so the responsibility of my language as well.
35:16
Brandy: Um, with intentional action, nothing happens or will change until we take action.
35:22
Brandy: Okay, great, I said a hundred percent responsible, I declared that, but if I didn't pick up that phone and say, and take the action to say, hey, help me understand.
35:32
Cassandra: Right, okay.
35:33
Brandy: Um, it wouldn't have happened.
35:34
Brandy: And then support strategies, because as we shift and alter things, you know, I always give the example of like creating those neural pathways.
35:42
Brandy: It's like being in a big corn maze and I want to take a new action.
35:46
Brandy: I've got the beliefs I can, I've got the identity.
35:48
Brandy: This is who I say I am.
35:49
Brandy: I've changed my narrative about some past stories, so I'm, you know, a little bit limitless, and then my brain and my body just go.
35:57
Brandy: Let's go down this path again.
35:59
Brandy: So, those support strategies are so important so that I can have the tools, the courage, the resiliency, the focus to actually be able to carve a new path in that corn maze and go you know, go where there isn't one.
36:12
Brandy: So those, those become really important.
36:16
Brandy: Wow, and then but not least is number seven, and that is I giggled because this was the one that was actually as hard as some of these may sound.
36:27
Brandy: Number seven was the one that was hardest for me because what your therapist said, do you like yourself?
36:33
Brandy: Number seven is gratitude and self appreciation.
36:37
Brandy: It is taking the wins, it is appreciating the progress, it is being willing, because I don't think a lot of people realize that when you withhold your love from yourself right, you have to be willing to extend that.
36:53
Brandy: And it's ultimately realizing like I may not be where I am, there may still be some things in my past.
37:00
Brandy: I'm like I am enough for now.
37:02
Brandy: Right, and you know one of the things I really believe with that is like we have story Right.
37:10
Brandy: We have our experiences in life.
37:12
Brandy: We have our experiences in life.
37:15
Brandy: In my opinion, in my life and I see it in my clients the things that have hurt me the most are the ways that I have abused, abandoned, mistreated and neglected myself.
37:27
Brandy: I can tell you all the things people did to me.
37:29
Brandy: I can tell you the hard stuff I went through and when I look back, it's like what gets me is the ways I abandoned, abused, mistreated and neglected myself.
37:38
Cassandra: And that's something that's powerful.
37:40
Cassandra: That's powerful.
37:42
Cassandra: I love the, the seven step empowerment process, and in order to sustain it, you have to continue to practice it.
37:54
Brandy: And life gives you so many opportunities.
37:56
Brandy: Yeah, that's right.
37:58
Brandy: Exactly.
37:59
Brandy: It's that experience too, I remember I used to I say, ah, I've dealt with this, what is?
38:03
Brandy: My problem and it's that layer.
38:06
Brandy: It's that layer.
38:07
Brandy: I was just talking to a client about this two days ago.
38:08
Brandy: She said I don't know why this is bugging me now.
38:11
Brandy: And it was about disrespectful behavior from men and why is this really triggering me now?
38:15
Brandy: And it was about disrespectful behavior from men and why is this really triggering me now?
38:18
Brandy: and I was like because there were so many layers before yeah you didn't even know that that was something that your body didn't like and that your heart felt you didn't deserve.
38:27
Brandy: So it just wasn't even recognizable until she peeled these layers away wow so it's just doing the work and that's why it's so important that step seven.
38:37
Brandy: If, honestly, I see it as so much of a throwaway.
38:40
Brandy: And at the end of my coaching calls I always get my clients.
38:43
Brandy: I say, what do you want to acknowledge yourself for today?
38:45
Brandy: And, oh my gosh, did they get wiggly?
38:48
Brandy: I don't know.
38:51
Brandy: I get again because you got to learn to take the win.
38:54
Brandy: You got to learn to appreciate the progress.
38:56
Cassandra: Yeah, that's true, that's so true.
38:59
Cassandra: And, like you said earlier, we are quick to the negative, you know.
39:07
Cassandra: Tell me what's.
39:08
Cassandra: Oh, we can rattle that off, you know, but just the acknowledging, the gratitude and the self-appreciation is something that we have to think about.
39:17
Cassandra: So your process was awareness, number one.
39:22
Cassandra: Number two was emotional mastery, acceptance.
39:25
Cassandra: Number three was clarity of intention what's the outcome you want?
39:32
Cassandra: The four was like the constructs.
39:34
Cassandra: The five was the declaring decree and declare a hundred percent of responsibility.
39:41
Cassandra: Number six right.
39:43
Cassandra: Number six is intentional action and support strategy.
39:48
Cassandra: You have to be intentional, but you have to take action in order to do that.
39:52
Cassandra: And that gratitude and self-appreciation and all of this information is also in your book, correct?
40:00
Brandy: It is.
40:00
Brandy: Yes, it's laid out as far as with the chapters, the work you do.
40:05
Brandy: So part of the book is self-health, it's my background in psychology.
40:09
Brandy: Part of it is story, is autobiography, because I'm like, okay, if I'm going to ask you to show up and be brave and just look, I'm going to share with you how I've done that.
40:20
Brandy: And also to create space, because sometimes my story may not be the exact story, but you may resonate with the experience, right, so there's part story in there.
40:28
Brandy: And then there is also a workbook spot which readers can go to, or listeners, readers in the book, findingselfbookcom to get the workbook piece for free.
40:37
Brandy: And it has the one thing I love I'll just show.
40:40
Brandy: The one thing I love, love about this book is when I couldn't, when I wasn't quite there myself Cassandra, I would hear you know, when you get quotes and they anchor you, you're like, ah, maybe one day.
40:53
Brandy: Right, like in the very beginning of my book, the quote says um, and I said to myself.
40:59
Brandy: I said to myself I want to be your friend myself, took a long breath and replied I've been waiting my whole life for this.
41:06
Brandy: No, and so the book is full of different quotes just to give people maybe that one word, that one thing that might ground them like I don't quite have it yet, but it resonates.
41:18
Brandy: I call it with this heart string that that's something I want to pay attention to.
41:22
Brandy: Wow, so it's just words anchored me when I couldn't actually believe them.
41:28
Cassandra: Yeah, that's good.
41:29
Cassandra: That's good, Brandy.
41:31
Cassandra: How can my listeners get in touch with you?
41:35
Brandy: Brandy, how can my listeners get in touch with you?
41:37
Brandy: So, on social media, I'm under Finding Self Coach on Instagram, facebook, linkedin and, like I said, there is FindingSelfCoachcom, which is just launching and Finding Self Book, and that's where they can get more information.
41:54
Brandy: The book is available on Amazon and audio on audible, spotify all the all the channels for that as well.
41:59
Brandy: So, okay, okay, I do try to put content on my social media as well for free little mindset videos, little tips, quotes, stuff like those tools, because, as we set having intentional action you know it's John Maxwell fail forward, failing forward to success.
42:18
Brandy: Right, how do I support myself as I try new things that it feels so like butterfly and I'm so out of my comfort zone.
42:24
Brandy: This isn't me, this isn't that trodden path, right, that becomes so important to support yourself.
42:30
Brandy: So I really try to be intentional on what I the support I give through my social media.
42:36
Cassandra: Yeah.
42:37
Brandy: Those are your resources.
42:38
Cassandra: Yeah, thank you so much.
42:40
Cassandra: This is fabulous.
42:41
Cassandra: Well, brandy, we are going to close this podcast.
42:48
Cassandra: I tell you this was a lot and I just want to share with my listeners that this can definitely be life changing if this is something you want.
43:00
Cassandra: If you're in that space where you're wearing that mask the mask to survive every day I know about that mask.
43:06
Cassandra: I used to wear one all the time and if you're wearing it, you can't see what your identity is.
43:14
Cassandra: And if you're wearing it, a lot of people will kind of know you're wearing it.
43:18
Cassandra: They know about all this.
43:19
Cassandra: They can feel it like something's just not right.
43:23
Cassandra: But I tell you, listeners, in the event that you felt this podcast was of value and you know other people that it will be a blessing for, please share it.
43:34
Cassandra: This is going to be on all podcast platforms and, brandy, we want to thank you when I say we, my listeners, we all that's listening, and I always tell my listeners bye for now.
43:48
Cassandra: God bless you and, brandy, again, thank you so much for coming on my podcast.
43:55
Cassandra: What a blessing it was.
43:56
Cassandra: Thank you, uh-huh Bye.