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PNW Cryptid Dating Game! · PNW Haunts & Homicides

0:00
So we're not just gonna play any boring old dating game that you've seen before.
0:08
We're going to play a PNW, cryptid dating game.
0:16
Happy Valentine's Day!
0:18
You're gonna be so fun.
0:21
You're gonna be so fun.
0:22
I mean, I'm so happy at the end, I promise.
0:24
Well, I shouldn't say you're getting a happy ending.
0:27
That might sound wrong, but anyway.
0:29
Hi!
0:30
Hi!
0:31
Hi, Caitlyn!
0:32
Hi, Cassie!
0:33
Hi, creepy people!
0:34
Hello!
0:35
It's me!
0:36
And me!
0:37
And Caitlyn.
0:38
Yeah.
0:39
But also me, I'm back!
0:40
Yay!
0:41
I have an episode for you guys, because Caitlyn just tried to hog up two episodes.
0:54
Yeah.
0:55
We all know how we feel about Caitlyn's episodes.
1:00
It's some real Leo energy up in here.
1:03
No, we love her.
1:04
She does good work, but it's time for a break, because, oh, this is PNW Haunts and Homicides.
1:11
Oh, shit.
1:12
Yeah.
1:13
Sorry, guys.
1:14
In case you didn't know, PNW stands for Pacific Northwest.
1:19
So we primarily cover cases based in the Pacific Northwest.
1:23
Yeah.
1:24
In case you didn't know.
1:26
Now you know.
1:27
Now you know.
1:28
The more you know.
1:30
But it's time for a little fun.
1:33
Because it's Valentine's Day.
1:35
Ah!
1:36
Even if you don't celebrate it, I think you're going to really enjoy this episode.
1:40
It is a little theme-y.
1:43
But it's fun.
1:44
I'm on board.
1:45
She was so on board.
1:47
She was on board as soon.
1:49
The moment I mentioned it, she was like, yes.
1:53
She was doing it.
1:55
I really, really, really got on board.
1:58
She did.
1:59
She had all these crazy ideas that just weren't going to work out.
2:04
That's maybe next time.
2:05
Maybe next time.
2:06
Maybe next time.
2:07
Maybe next time.
2:08
But she lit the fire in her butt, and I went and did a thing.
2:11
So we're going to have some fun today.
2:13
This is all make-believe.
2:15
This is all fun and games.
2:17
This isn't real.
2:19
Just so everyone's clear.
2:20
It's real.
2:21
I'll probably say it again later on when you'll know what I'm talking about.
2:27
So.
2:28
It's real.
2:29
I wouldn't say that.
2:33
So today we're going to play a little game.
2:35
We're going to play a little dating game.
2:38
Like- oh, okay, a dating game.
2:40
Not like a-
2:41
Would you like to play a game?
2:43
No, not like a saw game.
2:44
It's not a scary episode.
2:47
Okay.
2:48
But we're going to play a little dating game.
2:51
Unfortunately, we didn't really know any single people.
2:54
So we're just going to sub in Caitlyn.
2:56
Okay.
2:57
Disclaimer.
2:58
Caitlin is not single.
3:01
Like at all.
3:03
Period.
3:04
End of story.
3:05
We're just having fun.
3:07
So please, no one's light into her DMs.
3:11
And Chris, don't hate me.
3:14
Look at that.
3:15
Oh, she's super protective of me.
3:17
Just looking out.
3:18
You know, I don't want-
3:20
I don't want anyone to get too excited that you're on the market.
3:23
Oh, yeah.
3:24
I'm sure they're clamoring at the-
3:28
All of the places.
3:29
We had some-
3:30
We had some people clamoring.
3:33
Oh, boy.
3:34
Wait, this is news to me.
3:35
I don't know if I'll call them people, but we'll get into it.
3:38
Oh, boy.
3:39
Okay.
3:40
So we're not just going to play any boring old dating game
3:43
that you've seen before.
3:45
We're going to play a PNW.
3:48
Cryptid Dating Game.
3:52
Yeah.
3:53
Don't act surprised.
3:54
You already knew.
3:55
Well, I was a little bit unsure as to whether or not it was going to happen.
4:00
It's happening, baby.
4:02
Happy Valentine's Day.
4:04
It's still in my life.
4:07
You're going to get so fun.
4:08
You're going to get so fun at the end, I promise.
4:10
Well, I shouldn't say you're getting a happy ending.
4:13
That might sound wrong, but anyway.
4:17
So the definition of cryptid in case anyone doesn't know is an animal, such as Sasquatch or the
4:24
Lochness monster that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.
4:29
Okay.
4:30
Okay.
4:31
So just so we're all clear what the definition of cryptid is.
4:35
Just keep that rattling around back there.
4:38
Mm-hmm.
4:41
Welcome to PNW.
4:43
Cryptid Dating Game.
4:44
Caitlyn, come on down.
4:53
How was that for my game announcer voice?
4:56
I love it.
4:58
You're channeling some Bob Barker.
5:01
Something.
5:02
Caitlyn's something.
5:03
I will not do that the whole time I promised, but maybe one more time.
5:09
Caitlyn is a fun, sassy, sexy single looking for her perfect cryptid match.
5:15
Ooh.
5:16
Okay, I'm done.
5:17
That was it.
5:18
I liked it.
5:19
So I'm not going to tell Caitlyn or anyone who the elusive bachelors are.
5:25
So we're going to have three rounds and we will get to know our four elusive bachelors.
5:30
Ooh.
5:31
Let me tell you, tracking these guys down for questioning was not easy, but once I started
5:36
a float, Caitlyn's photo around.
5:38
I had them.
5:39
It's the one on the fridge, you know what I was going to say.
5:43
How old is this photo?
5:47
And at the end, Caitlyn will pick which one she thinks would fit her best.
5:53
Who am I?
5:54
Yeah.
5:55
Who are cryptid mans.
5:57
Match man's is.
5:59
Again, this is all make believe.
6:04
Okay.
6:05
I mean, it's real.
6:07
You're going to have a cryptid in your bed.
6:09
Watch out, Chris.
6:13
So we'll still do the tarot read at the end and it will be for whoever she picks what his
6:19
intentions are with her with my daughter with my daughter with my adult daughter.
6:26
So that's how we'll do that.
6:28
Okay.
6:29
So I get a little bit of a reading on this love man.
6:32
Yeah, exactly.
6:33
Okay.
6:34
Are you excited?
6:35
I'm so excited.
6:36
Okay.
6:37
And one, here we go.
6:41
Each bachelor answered seven identical questions and one random question to keep things interesting.
6:48
Oh, all of the questions and things I'm going to talk about in the rounds are all clues
6:53
to who these cryptids might be.
6:56
That makes sense.
6:57
Okay.
6:58
Okay.
6:59
So bachelor number one, first question.
7:04
What is your biggest insecurity?
7:06
And he says kissing can be quite a challenge.
7:09
Oh.
7:10
Okay.
7:11
Yeah.
7:12
Not really sure what that means, but me either take that how you want.
7:16
Okay.
7:17
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
7:19
And he says black, which I say same.
7:22
Okay.
7:23
I say same.
7:24
Alendable.
7:25
I just have this debate with somebody the other day because they were asking me my favorite
7:28
color and I couldn't pick.
7:31
So I just say black because that's like all the colors together, right?
7:35
Oh, that's very true.
7:37
Yeah.
7:38
Okay.
7:39
That's a thinker.
7:40
Maybe we have something in common.
7:42
Maybe I should be on the stating.
7:43
I know.
7:44
Come on.
7:46
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
7:48
He says fire.
7:50
Okay.
7:51
I mean, I'm not sure that we're compatible then.
7:55
That's true.
7:56
That's true.
7:57
Okay.
7:58
All right.
7:59
The fourth question is a fun one.
8:00
What is your favorite sexual position?
8:02
Who says missionary?
8:06
Okay.
8:07
Okay.
8:08
We'll have vanilla.
8:09
We'll have vanilla.
8:10
But that's okay.
8:11
All right.
8:12
You do you.
8:13
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
8:15
He says abuffee.
8:18
It's the easiest way to keep him in cheap date because he has a rather large appetite.
8:23
Okay.
8:24
So does that mean he assumes that you're paying?
8:28
I maybe.
8:30
It sounds like that's a possibility.
8:33
It's calling himself a cheap date.
8:35
Eh-huh.
8:36
Uh-huh.
8:37
Listen, call yourself whatever you want.
8:39
Don't call me a cheap date.
8:40
That's how do you feel about the phase?
8:45
Um.
8:46
Yeah.
8:47
I mean, I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on, I mean, how much time do we
8:53
have?
8:54
Probably not that much.
8:55
Not that much.
8:56
Okay.
8:57
Okay.
8:58
I'm surprised you're not taking notes on these guys.
8:58
Well, I thought about it.
8:59
But then I was like, is that cheating?
9:01
I don't think it's cheating.
9:02
It's cheating.
9:03
Okay.
9:04
I mean, if you really want to, I mean, I'm going to.
9:06
She's taking notes.
9:07
Oh, no.
9:08
I don't know if I'm right.
9:09
Where's the notebook?
9:10
Okay.
9:11
Hold on.
9:12
Continue way.
9:15
Question number six, what is your best quality?
9:18
Oh, you might like this one, Caitlin.
9:20
He says protective like a bodyguard.
9:22
Okay.
9:23
Okay.
9:24
So that sounds pretty good.
9:26
That might make up for some other things.
9:28
I mean, it would have to.
9:32
It would have to.
9:33
Okay.
9:34
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
9:39
Ooh.
9:40
He says oversized fluffy sweaters.
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Oh, that is so pure.
9:47
Okay.
9:48
All right.
9:49
And question number eight is kind of the rotating random question.
9:53
It is, what is your favorite scent?
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And he says burnt trees.
9:59
Huh.
10:00
Do you have any guesses on who this is?
10:04
No.
10:05
No, I don't.
10:06
Actually.
10:07
Actually.
10:08
All right.
10:09
Are you ready for bachelor number two?
10:11
Yes.
10:12
I think.
10:13
You are.
10:14
Okay.
10:15
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
10:19
Bachelor number two says that people think he's a myth.
10:23
Okay.
10:24
Okay.
10:25
I'm sure that's pretty common amongst the cryptid society.
10:30
You know?
10:31
Yeah.
10:32
Okay.
10:33
Yeah.
10:34
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
10:36
He says anything shiny.
10:38
Okay.
10:39
I mean, same.
10:40
Who does he think he is?
10:41
The crab from Moana.
10:43
Shiny.
10:44
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
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And he says salt.
10:52
Salt.
10:53
Okay.
10:54
Which, that's kind of interesting.
10:58
Huh.
10:59
Okay.
11:00
Huh.
11:01
Huh.
11:02
Huh.
11:03
Number four, the good question.
11:05
What is your favorite sexual position?
11:09
He says the submarine, which I don't encourage anyone to Google.
11:15
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
11:18
He says a day on the lake.
11:20
Uh-huh.
11:21
Yeah.
11:22
Sweet.
11:23
You're going to, are there submarines in this lake?
11:29
You know, here's the thing.
11:31
This guy's clearly got a thing with water.
11:33
Clearly.
11:34
Okay.
11:35
Clearly.
11:36
Question number six, what is your best quality?
11:38
He says I'm a strong swimmer.
11:41
Uh-huh.
11:42
Yeah.
11:43
Okay.
11:44
All right.
11:45
So I think you nailed the water, the water part.
11:48
Yeah.
11:49
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
11:53
He says small animals.
11:55
Oh, see, he's got some good qualities.
11:59
But I feel like I want to know why.
12:01
Well, he goes on to say they feel so good, they smell so good and they, okay, well, things
12:09
get weird here and I think we're just going to sweat a lot.
12:12
Okay.
12:13
The small animals.
12:14
Okay.
12:15
Question number eight, what is your biggest pet peeve?
12:19
He says when someone is immortalized for no reason and has nothing of value to offer in return,
12:25
wow, I feel like we hit a nerve.
12:28
Okay.
12:29
Yeah.
12:30
Someone is sensitive.
12:31
Yeah, that's a real, um, how do I put this nicely?
12:36
Oh, wait, I don't care.
12:38
Um, that's a real in-sell vibe.
12:40
Yeah.
12:41
I feel like.
12:42
Interesting.
12:43
Yeah.
12:44
Okay.
12:45
Are you ready to move on to bachelor number three?
12:46
I mean, we probably should.
12:50
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
12:54
He says people often mistake him for someone else.
12:57
Oh.
12:58
Well, you know what happens to the best of us?
13:04
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
13:06
He says blue.
13:07
Okay.
13:08
Oh, like that.
13:09
Oh, like blue.
13:10
What's your favorite color, Caitlin?
13:13
I think probably gray or black.
13:16
Okay.
13:17
Or rose gold.
13:18
Yeah.
13:19
Or rose gold.
13:20
See, it's hard to choose.
13:21
Yeah.
13:22
I can't choose.
13:23
I don't know.
13:25
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
13:27
He says bright lights and crowds.
13:29
And I say preach.
13:30
Same.
13:31
Question number four, what is your favorite sexual position?
13:36
Are we ready for this one?
13:37
I mean, probably not, but let's do it.
13:40
He says anything on the inversion table, baby.
13:43
I don't really know what to put in my notes here.
13:46
He likes to be upside down.
13:49
Okay.
13:50
So, um, all right.
13:51
I don't think that that's that kinky.
13:53
That's no submarine.
13:54
Let me tell you.
13:56
That's not a kink.
13:57
That's a great move.
13:59
Ooh.
14:00
Against humanity.
14:02
Yeah.
14:03
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
14:05
He says flying out of town for dinner.
14:07
Okay.
14:08
Okay.
14:09
Christian gray.
14:10
Right.
14:11
Maybe he has a little kinky.
14:13
Question number six, what is your best quality?
14:18
He says his eyes.
14:20
They're big and bright.
14:21
You could even say they glow.
14:23
Okay.
14:24
Interesting.
14:25
Sounds nice though.
14:29
Big, bright glowing eyes could be quite striking.
14:34
The way you say that, I feel like that's pointed.
14:37
I'm not saying it.
14:38
I have no biased towards any of these bachelors.
14:44
Okay.
14:45
I'm just reading their questions.
14:47
They answered them.
14:49
They made them up, not me.
14:54
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
14:58
He said some rad 80s vibes.
15:00
I like this guy.
15:02
Okay.
15:03
Well, I'm going to be setting you up.
15:06
Yeah.
15:07
Maybe I can get his number.
15:08
If you don't pick him.
15:09
Okay.
15:11
Question number eight, are you a knight owl or an early bird?
15:15
Hmm.
15:16
He says neither.
15:17
But I do prefer the knight.
15:20
Okay.
15:21
So, um.
15:24
So like tell me you don't know how to answer questions without telling me.
15:31
I mean, maybe there's something in there.
15:33
Maybe it's some sort of clue.
15:35
Yeah, that's what I gather, but I gathered very little.
15:40
I don't know.
15:41
Let's move on to Bachelor number four.
15:43
Our final bachelor.
15:46
Question number one, what is your biggest insecurity?
15:48
He says nothing.
15:50
Okay.
15:51
I see you.
15:52
I see you.
15:53
An interesting start.
15:54
Okay.
15:55
All right.
15:56
Question number two, what is your favorite color?
15:57
He says orange.
15:58
It's nice color.
15:59
I like orange.
16:01
I'm getting a real fuck boy vibe here.
16:05
Question number three, what is your biggest fear?
16:08
He says becoming irrelevant.
16:10
Okay.
16:11
Yeah.
16:12
I stand by my previous statement.
16:15
Ready for question number four?
16:16
I mean, sure.
16:17
What is your favorite sexual position?
16:20
He says cowgirl.
16:22
Uh-huh.
16:23
Yeah.
16:24
Called that one.
16:25
Okay.
16:26
Question number five, what is your ideal date?
16:29
He says something adventurous like white water rafting.
16:32
Huh.
16:33
Okay.
16:34
Question number six, what is your best quality?
16:38
He says there's a beer named after me.
16:42
I don't know if that's your quality, bro.
16:45
But okay.
16:46
Okay.
16:47
Okay.
16:48
Question number seven, what stimulates your serotonin?
16:52
He says ultra long scarves.
16:55
Okay.
16:56
Okay.
16:57
All right.
16:58
Listen.
16:59
Listen, I'm really trying to take detailed notes.
17:05
This is, I mean, there's a lot of clues.
17:09
Honestly, this feels like higher stakes than even our last election.
17:14
It might be.
17:15
Yeah.
17:16
This is a very important choice.
17:18
Ready for the last question?
17:20
Okay.
17:21
If asked on a date to a wedding, do you choose the chicken or the fish?
17:27
He says fish all day.
17:29
Oh, man.
17:30
Okay.
17:31
I'm surprised he didn't say fish.
17:35
Bo show.
17:37
Okay.
17:38
So we've reached round number two.
17:42
Okay.
17:43
So we're going to get to know a little bit about each of our four bachelors from the perspective
17:49
of someone who has been close to them.
17:52
Bachelor number one.
17:53
You ready?
17:56
I had a very, very lovely talk with bachelor number one's mom.
18:01
She couldn't figure out how to use the email.
18:03
So she had me talk to her on the phone and just like relay the message.
18:08
So she says my boo boo has an explosive personality, which is funny because we were talking about
18:16
boo boo earlier.
18:20
You don't even know bachelor number one's mom.
18:23
So that's correct.
18:24
I do.
18:25
Boo boo theme is just natural.
18:27
Okay.
18:28
She goes on to say, oh, he's going to hate me, but I called him Boo Boo in front of everybody,
18:33
especially a pretty woman like Caitlin.
18:36
Uh oh.
18:37
Anyway, I think he could really use a lady in his life.
18:42
I always try to get him to stand top of the moisturizing, but he just doesn't seem to
18:47
listen to me.
18:49
She she rambled.
18:51
Y'all, let me tell you.
18:53
She goes on to say, I think if he had a nice lady around to help him lotion his hard to reach
18:58
areas, you know, I think he would just be a little bit happier.
19:03
Okay.
19:04
Okay.
19:05
So he's got some dry skin issues or something.
19:08
Okay.
19:10
And of course to help him keep up with trimming those unruly eyebrows.
19:15
Call your mother, boo boo.
19:17
Oh boy.
19:19
Interesting.
19:20
I think that helps Bachelor number one's chances at all.
19:24
You know, no, not really.
19:27
But if you want his mom's number, she's so nice.
19:30
Oh yeah.
19:32
Bachelor number two.
19:34
This is from his ex girlfriend.
19:37
She DMed us.
19:38
Oh.
19:39
So she said, "Augie was sweet, but it just didn't work out.
19:42
He had this weird obsession with the Loch Ness Monster.
19:45
It was like he was jealous that Nessie got more attention.
19:48
Okay.
19:49
I feel like the nerve that we poked earlier might make a little more sense."
19:55
Yeah.
19:57
She said Nessie had more books, movies, news stories, podcast episodes, and merch.
20:02
So much merch.
20:04
Plus, there was that incident with my Chihuahua.
20:08
Okay.
20:09
Interesting.
20:10
What happened here?
20:11
Chihuahua.
20:12
Not a dog per se in her.
20:15
I don't know.
20:16
He really liked the small animals.
20:20
Like probably as a snack, like a little appetizer.
20:25
I don't know.
20:26
I guess we'll find out.
20:28
Okay.
20:29
Bachelor number three.
20:32
Sadly, Bachelor number three doesn't have any close friends or family.
20:37
So there was no one to reach out to.
20:39
But great.
20:40
That's sort of a clue on his personality as well.
20:43
Bachelor number four, your favorite.
20:49
This came via text message from his childhood best friend.
20:53
I'm going to read the text messages as they came in.
20:58
They were all separate.
21:00
There's typos.
21:01
Oh great.
21:02
Perfect.
21:03
Off to a great start.
21:07
The first text, "CC was my BFF growing up the up arrow."
21:12
Oh great.
21:13
Okay.
21:14
Next, we use two.
21:18
The number two, hang over Al, he Tim.
21:22
Which, oh okay.
21:24
He says duck you, auto correct.
21:27
Hang out all the time.
21:28
Astrid.
21:29
Okay.
21:30
Great.
21:31
Next text message.
21:35
But FYI, they named some sort of hipster with no e, beer emoji after him.
21:42
Okay.
21:43
Oh, huh.
21:44
Yeah, seems like we've heard about that before.
21:48
Interesting.
21:49
Yeah.
21:50
That's a theme.
21:51
Okay.
21:52
Now he thinks he's too good for everyone, IMO, and a bunch of exclamation points.
22:01
That is, that's tough.
22:03
He keeps going.
22:04
SMHWTF is up again, the up arrow, wit, that, and an angry face.
22:11
Yeah, that feels like a lot.
22:13
It feels like a lot.
22:16
And then again, but IDC, which means I don't care, I think.
22:19
Yeah.
22:20
I know, and oh, deep with a lot of ease.
22:25
That's a lot.
22:27
I know deep down, like 180 feet down, every TBT, that's throwback Thursday.
22:33
He thinks of doing corkscrews in the Columbia with me.
22:37
Aww.
22:38
So this guy seems sweet in the end, maybe you should get his number.
22:43
Uh, yeah, we'll see.
22:45
Okay.
22:46
Sound like there was some clues in there though.
22:49
I mean, I would, I would think so, but.
22:54
Well, are you ready for round number three, because I think you're going to really like
23:00
it.
23:01
Okay.
23:02
Yeah.
23:03
Okay.
23:04
I hope so.
23:05
So the bachelor's gave me a little something to give to you.
23:08
Oh boy.
23:10
Okay.
23:11
So this first gift is from bachelor number one.
23:14
Oh, it's so cute.
23:15
Okay.
23:16
Let's see what's in here.
23:19
Chocolate.
23:20
Oh.
23:21
Sorry.
23:22
I got hungry, but I heard you didn't even like chocolate.
23:29
Okay.
23:30
Okay.
23:37
So I mean, you know, it's empty, but he did wrap it.
23:41
He did.
23:42
Yeah.
23:43
I mean, the thought is the thought that your count's right?
23:44
Okay.
23:45
Okay.
23:46
This is from bachelor number two.
23:47
Okay.
23:48
All right.
23:49
Oh, is there?
23:50
Okay.
23:51
Let's see.
23:52
All right.
23:53
Oh boy.
23:54
Oh.
23:55
Oh.
23:56
Oh.
23:57
Oh.
23:58
It's too blurry.
23:59
How sweet.
23:59
It's so pretty.
24:00
Right.
24:01
That he does.
24:02
Clearly a very effestive heart, Marty Grobids.
24:09
It's kind of a two-fer because you could really use these for two different holidays every
24:14
year.
24:15
Yeah.
24:16
Beautiful, beautiful jewelry.
24:20
I'm sure if he wasn't on a budget, he would get you something nicer.
24:24
That's what they all say.
24:31
Okay.
24:32
From bachelor number three.
24:34
A door up all.
24:35
I'm scared.
24:36
Okay.
24:37
Oh.
24:38
A charging cord.
24:39
It's a phone charger.
24:41
Interesting.
24:42
Okay.
24:43
Okay.
24:44
A shark.
24:45
Oh.
24:46
That's the line number four's gift.
24:49
It's heavy.
24:50
That is it.
24:52
What is it, Kate?
24:55
Later.
24:56
Colossal.
24:57
Oh.
24:58
Wow.
24:59
No, that's cheating.
25:00
See.
25:01
See.
25:02
It definitely seems like it.
25:05
Well, it seems as though we have a little cheater amongst us who just can keep their mouth shut
25:12
about themselves.
25:13
So.
25:14
So this is interesting because I feel like this is kind of a giveaway.
25:20
Yeah.
25:21
A little bit.
25:22
A little bit because it's spoiler alert.
25:25
A can of beer.
25:26
Yes.
25:27
It is the can of beer.
25:28
The can of beer.
25:29
The has been mentioned.
25:30
That's a close guy.
25:31
Colossal.
25:32
Claude.
25:33
Oh.
25:34
That's bitch.
25:35
Keep believe he did that.
25:39
But it says dedicated to fishing stories.
25:45
Oh.
25:46
Right on the front of this can.
25:49
The word has it that after years of terrifying sailors and feasting on salmon, he acquired a taste
25:57
for hops.
25:58
So we brewed this imperial IPA with a colossal dose of cascade, shanook, citra and strata hops.
26:08
In hopes of coaxing, Claude out to join us for a pint.
26:13
Oh.
26:14
Okay.
26:15
So this if this is like his profile pick on Tinder, like which way are we swiping?
26:22
That's up to you.
26:23
Okay.
26:24
This is your dating game, baby.
26:25
Okay.
26:26
Well, I mean, I have some really difficult decisions to make.
26:29
I think at this point.
26:31
So.
26:32
So I guess I don't need to ask you if you have any guesses who bachelor number four is.
26:37
Because clearly it's colossal Claude.
26:39
He gave it away.
26:40
He gave him his damn self away.
26:42
Yeah.
26:43
He sure did.
26:44
How guesses on the others or do you just want to head around for and choose your mans?
26:50
Yeah.
26:52
I.
26:55
This is a tough one.
26:56
I feel like I was getting a certain vibe about some of these.
27:01
And now I might be more confused than ever.
27:05
That was my goal.
27:06
Yeah.
27:07
Um.
27:08
Yeah.
27:09
I'm really not sure.
27:11
I don't know.
27:12
Okay.
27:13
Many of them are like the usual suspects we would see in the PNW or I think maybe one of
27:19
the myths.
27:20
I'm just, you know, it just feels too soon to say for sure.
27:24
Okay.
27:25
Okay.
27:26
Round four.
27:27
You got to pick your ideal mate and then I will tell you all about every single one of
27:35
them.
27:36
Yeah.
27:37
So this is a really tough one.
27:40
Um, normally I think number one, that would be a tempting choice.
27:45
Um, but I'm a little bit afraid about some of these answers here.
27:50
So.
27:51
Also, Caitlin, you're not really dating them.
27:57
I mean, but listen, I take everything that I do very seriously.
28:01
Seriously.
28:02
Seriously.
28:03
Yeah.
28:04
Yeah.
28:05
I feel like Bachelor number two for sure is out because I have small animals and that's
28:09
going to be a, that's going to be a deal breaker for me.
28:14
Um, they gave them, you know, they stimulated his serotonin.
28:19
I, yeah.
28:20
It's like they would make him happy.
28:23
Uh-huh.
28:24
For how long?
28:25
And in what form or fashion?
28:27
Um, okay.
28:28
So.
28:29
Oh my gosh.
28:31
Well, Clyde or Claude had the most terrible answers, but he's the one that I wanted, obviously.
28:38
I know that's why I made him a douche.
28:40
Yeah.
28:41
I was like, I know it.
28:45
I feel like realistically.
28:48
Okay.
28:49
Okay.
28:50
Moment of truth.
28:52
I think I'm going to go with number three.
28:57
Number three.
28:59
Wow.
29:00
That's a surprise.
29:01
Is it?
29:02
Okay.
29:03
Okay.
29:04
Are you ready to find out who your Bachelor is?
29:07
Uh, sure.
29:09
Okay.
29:10
Bachelor number three is Bat Squatch.
29:13
I feel like it was a Squatch.
29:23
So Bat Squatch, you remember he was the one who got confused with someone else.
29:28
Yeah.
29:29
Bat Squatch.
29:30
Bat Squatch.
29:31
I felt like I was picking that up.
29:34
Okay.
29:35
I was the only one that I felt like I had any clue on.
29:38
So I'll tell you a little bit more about him.
29:40
He is rumored to have originated from the 1980 Mount St. Helens eruption.
29:46
Oh, but he has been spotted up and down the west coast.
29:50
He has described as basically a nine foot tall Sasquatch with blufer, huge bat wings and
29:56
glowing eyes.
29:57
Okay.
29:58
I remember I knew you liked the eyes.
30:00
Yeah.
30:01
You were weird about it, but they rubbed off on you.
30:04
Like bats, they are nocturnal and despise the light.
30:09
They live solitary lives.
30:11
So that's why you had no friends or family.
30:14
Makes sense.
30:15
So I don't know why he wants a girlfriend, but you know, here we are.
30:19
So I guess that's good if what?
30:22
Oh, you know, what?
30:25
So I guess that's good that you won't see like a horde of flying monkeys coming at you.
30:30
Was it a Vastile?
30:31
So, you know, yeah.
30:33
Yeah, because that's a nightmare fuel for sure.
30:39
Yeah, totally.
30:40
Okay.
30:41
People who have witnessed a bat squash have reported battery drain.
30:45
Okay.
30:46
So it is very sweet of him to give you a phone charger for your date, so you don't lose
30:52
charge.
30:53
That makes sense.
30:54
Yeah.
30:55
Thoughtful.
30:56
How thoughtful.
30:57
Yeah.
30:58
I can't even believe how thoughtful he is.
30:59
Yeah.
31:00
Well, do you want to hear about the rest of the contestants?
31:04
Okay.
31:05
We can go with colossal clods since we already clearly know who he is.
31:10
Dennis.
31:11
Caitlyn actually requested him.
31:14
So of course I had to make him unlikable.
31:16
Yeah.
31:17
Because I knew she would just pick him.
31:19
An absolute douche canoe.
31:22
He was first spotted in the Columbia River in 1934.
31:26
C.C.
31:27
C.C.
31:28
C.C.C.C. is a 15 to 40 foot long.
31:33
That's a big difference there, but 15 to 40 foot long with a round body snake like tail
31:40
and eight foot long neck with a horse head.
31:43
Oh boy.
31:44
Yeah.
31:45
So the ultra long scarves were for the eight foot long neck.
31:49
I mean, that makes sense.
31:51
And I think I picked orange for his favorite color because if he has a horse head, maybe
31:56
he likes, you know, the sea words.
31:59
We can't say him because the dogs.
32:01
Oh, yeah.
32:02
But you know, that makes sense.
32:04
Those orange vegetables.
32:05
Those orange vegetables.
32:06
They're crunchy.
32:07
That are crunchy.
32:08
Some people think he might be a pleasy assort.
32:10
Oh.
32:11
Which are extinct because that's a dinosaur.
32:15
Okay.
32:16
But that's kind of the look of him, I guess.
32:18
Yeah.
32:19
So then it's not extinct.
32:21
Right.
32:22
If it was.
32:23
Yeah.
32:24
No, that are clouds, not that.
32:26
And there's just there's no way to know.
32:28
He's his own thing.
32:29
Yeah.
32:30
Boy is he in 1963, the shell oil workers reported seeing CC 180 feet down, maneuvering in
32:40
a corkscrew fashion.
32:42
So interest.
32:43
That's what he likes to do.
32:46
Corkscrews in the Columbia.
32:48
Okay.
32:49
Some fishermen who had an encounter with him said he would steal 20 pound halibut
32:54
right off the line.
32:55
I mean, I would absolutely do that if I could.
32:59
Right.
33:00
They're delicious.
33:01
So well, too bad.
33:02
You didn't pick him.
33:03
He could steal you some halibut.
33:05
Yeah.
33:06
You know, he'd probably just talk about his beer the whole time.
33:08
I know.
33:09
What do you do?
33:10
I mean, but what pairs better with fish and chips than a beer?
33:14
Right.
33:15
He's on something.
33:18
Fun fact, I guess he's sometimes known as Marvin the Monster.
33:21
Uh-huh.
33:23
I didn't know.
33:26
Fun fact, that's what I've heard.
33:28
Never heard of it.
33:31
It's all like old man names, too, which is kind of funny.
33:35
It's a claw, Marvin.
33:38
So contestant number one was the Gumberoo.
33:42
Have you heard of it?
33:43
I cannot say that I have.
33:45
Okay.
33:46
I don't think he's found along the coast from Washington to California described as
33:51
bear-like, but with no fur.
33:54
What?
33:55
So that's why he likes the sweaters.
33:59
Oh.
34:00
Okay.
34:01
Okay.
34:02
Instead, he has black leathery skin that is basically a shield.
34:07
Okay.
34:08
Protecting the Gumberoo even against bullets.
34:10
Wow.
34:11
So very tough.
34:12
Okay.
34:13
Which I'm surprised you didn't pick him.
34:15
Yeah.
34:16
Because he was the protective.
34:19
Yeah.
34:20
He doesn't like fire.
34:22
I mean, he lives on the coast range and he doesn't want to do a fire on the beach.
34:27
So like, there's a reason.
34:29
I'll tell you.
34:30
All right.
34:31
Some speculate that the skin itself might not be black in color, but coated in the ash of
34:36
his home, which is a burnt cedar tree.
34:40
I was going to say he says he likes the smell of burnt trees.
34:44
Because they remind him of home.
34:46
Oh.
34:47
He's in a little burnt tree or a big burnt tree.
34:51
Not a little one.
34:52
A little one.
34:54
Which is ironic that his home and his favorite scent are burnt, but he is scared of fire.
35:02
That's what I'm saying.
35:03
So why is that?
35:06
Fire is one of the only ways to kill a Gumberoo and they are apparently highly flammable.
35:11
Oh, boy.
35:12
So that's why he has the explosive personality.
35:15
Oh.
35:16
Oh, no, son.
35:18
Bobo.
35:19
He does have one other weakness and that's being bitten by another creature called the timber
35:26
doodle.
35:27
Like a poodle?
35:29
I get.
35:30
I don't like it.
35:31
A timber poodle.
35:32
I have no idea.
35:34
That led me to believe he wouldn't like to be bitten at all.
35:38
Probably pretty vanilla.
35:39
Okay.
35:40
So yeah, hence the missionaries.
35:42
I see where I see.
35:43
Oh, I follow.
35:46
She gets it.
35:47
She gets me.
35:50
He also has, as I alluded to in the very first question, and this is a very scientific term,
35:57
a sh*t on of very sharp teeth.
36:01
Oh.
36:02
So yeah, it might make kissing a little heart.
36:04
I, yeah, I could see that.
36:06
I feel like it would be like an Edward Scissor Hands situation.
36:10
Yeah.
36:11
But like with your mouth.
36:12
Yeah.
36:13
Not ideal.
36:14
Did you like my Scissor Hands?
36:15
I was doing Scissor Hands.
36:16
Did you look like you were doing finger guns again?
36:21
Who knows?
36:23
All those teeth probably help him out because he does have an insatiable appetite.
36:27
I mean, clearly he ate all of his lovely dates chocolates.
36:33
Who does that?
36:35
He will eat anything that even looks like food.
36:38
So I'd watch out for all those food-shaped items we like to carry around.
36:42
Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss Pizza Purse.
36:44
So good thing you didn't pick him and bring your pizza purse and your dog.
36:49
He would have been, you would have just been gone, girl.
36:51
He's like a hot dog and a pizza.
36:54
Oh no.
36:55
You can put them in the little hot dog Halloween costume.
37:00
Oh god.
37:01
No, I think that's a bachelor number two.
37:05
Right.
37:08
And how can I forget the Eugene Levy?
37:11
That's not his name.
37:13
Oh, yeah.
37:15
And how can I forget the Eugene Levy eyebrows and porcupine chin?
37:19
Oh boy.
37:20
Very hot.
37:21
That's very hot.
37:22
That is a lot.
37:24
Also, another fun fact, very PNW.
37:27
This story originated with lumberjacks.
37:30
Huh.
37:31
Yeah.
37:32
That makes sense though.
37:35
Out in the trees.
37:36
Yeah.
37:37
Yeah.
37:38
Bachelor number two is Ogo Pogo.
37:41
Ogo Pogo.
37:43
Have you heard of him?
37:45
It sounds so familiar.
37:47
It's an interesting one.
37:49
Uh huh.
37:50
Ogo Pogo dwells in Okanagan Lake in Kelona, British Columbia.
37:55
Yeah, he does.
37:58
And no one else is going to know, but that took me a ridiculously long amount of time to
38:02
say that whole sentence.
38:04
It's been 10 minutes.
38:07
Oh god.
38:08
Okay.
38:09
He's described as some sort of serpent or dragon creature.
38:14
The legend is that the sea of Okanagan people who were native to the land gave offerings
38:20
to Ogo Pogo in return for safe passage across the lake.
38:24
Yes.
38:25
And, and guess what the offering was?
38:32
Live small animals.
38:33
No, thank you.
38:35
Other people would start to bring their precious metals and jewelry to peace, Ogo Pogo.
38:41
Yes.
38:42
Instead of the live sacrifices.
38:45
Actually, the origin of this cryptid is most likely a misunderstanding due to language
38:51
barriers.
38:53
Huh.
38:54
Yeah.
38:55
Who would have thought?
38:56
Weird, right?
38:57
What a thunk.
38:58
In fact, the sea of Okanagan people told settlers of a sacred water spirit protecting
39:05
land.
39:06
They called it, and this is a crazy looking name, but it came with a pronunciation, which
39:13
is not too bad.
39:14
So, it's kind of fun.
39:15
Okay.
39:16
Nahaha ikku.
39:17
Oh.
39:18
And it spelled like in apostrophe X with a little thingy AX ITK thingy Mavavers.
39:27
Yeah.
39:28
It's really cool looking.
39:29
I like our languages.
39:31
Not as pretty.
39:32
So, not as pretty as this.
39:34
But, that translates to the sacred spirit of the lake, which sounds nice.
39:42
It does.
39:43
They describe it as having a horse head with deer antlers.
39:47
So, I think it's like kind of the same swimming creature maybe, but maybe not.
39:51
Maybe it's just like a walking, like a land spirit.
39:55
Yeah.
39:56
That sounds.
39:57
I don't know.
39:58
Yeah.
39:59
That sounds potentially really, really different.
40:01
Very different.
40:02
Yeah.
40:03
Big miscommunication.
40:05
Their offerings included tobacco, sage, and salmon.
40:09
So try explaining this to white people, and it turns into sacrificing live animals to
40:14
appease a demon.
40:15
I mean, and who we are.
40:17
I mean, we are kind of the worst.
40:20
The actual worst.
40:22
So, fast forward to the 20s, where we get the origin of the OgoPogov name from a very
40:29
entertaining song.
40:32
I will include the link to the song.
40:33
It's really fun.
40:34
I highly suggest listening to it.
40:37
But some of the lyrics are, I am looking for the OgoPogo, the funny little OgoPogo.
40:44
His mother was a polywag.
40:45
His father was a whale.
40:47
I am going to put a little salt on his tail.
40:50
Roode.
40:51
I know.
40:52
So I figured he might be scared of salt.
40:54
Like a slug.
40:55
Yeah.
40:56
Right?
40:57
Yeah.
40:58
Eaky.
40:59
You compare him to the Loch Ness Monster.
41:02
The locals have statues of him, and people even travel to visit the lake to try and get a glimpse.
41:08
But I had never heard of him.
41:09
And obviously, he's not as famous as a Loch Ness Monster, because he doesn't have, you
41:14
know, ladles of him.
41:16
Yeah.
41:17
You can, you know, use in your kitchen.
41:21
Not by a long shot, which I want one really bad.
41:24
I know.
41:25
So I gather that he might be a little bit, have a little bit of a complex about that.
41:29
Yeah.
41:30
So I mean, listen, it's probably best that I didn't go this route because I myself have a
41:38
Loch Ness loose leaf tea diffuser.
41:42
Oh, yeah.
41:43
Cute.
41:44
See what I mean?
41:45
There's not an OgoPogo one.
41:46
That's right.
41:47
I mean, man, that's rough.
41:51
Living in the shadow.
41:52
Right.
41:53
Yeah.
41:54
But one more little fun, funsy fact for you in the 80s, there was a $1 million reward for
42:00
proof of the OgoPogo's existence.
42:04
Oh, yeah.
42:06
One million dollars.
42:07
One million dollars.
42:10
Wait, is the reward no longer?
42:15
I don't think so.
42:16
I think they probably canceled that.
42:18
Yeah.
42:19
I mean, they've got their, their tourists now on their merch.
42:22
So they're good to go.
42:23
Okay.
42:24
That's fair.
42:25
Are you ready to do the terror reading to find out what Mr. Bat Squatch has in mind for
42:31
you?
42:32
What his intentions are with you?
42:34
I, you know, it's probably best if I have all of the information, but I'm a little bit
42:41
afraid.
42:42
That's all of the information.
42:43
Okay.
42:44
Half of all of the information.
42:45
Listen, I'm going to trust the terror.
42:49
It's going to guide me correctly.
42:51
I think so too.
42:52
It's going to know these cryptids.
42:54
Okay.
42:55
Okay.
42:56
Ready?
42:57
Yeah.
42:58
Terror?
42:59
Terror?
43:00
As indie podcasters, we love to show our support of other awesome shows.
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So stay tuned for the promo we've got to share with you this week.
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Let's show them some love.
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You can find their info in our show notes.
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I can't possibly tell you all the crazy things that happen in the new True Crime podcast
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that in the water in 30 seconds.
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But what I can tell you is that it's about a well to do Australian woman who met and fell
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in love with a mysterious man who had a beautiful yacht and planned to marry him and spend
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murder.
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The series is narrated by Tony Dalton of AMC's Better Call Saul.
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You can find dead in the water by going to deadinthewaterpodcast.com or just search dead in the
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Anyway, listen to podcasts.
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If you're a frequent PNW Haunts and Homicides listener, you probably already know we're
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loud siren and flashing light to create a diversion.
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Birdie is perfect to carry any time because the device is lightweight and comes in a variety
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So important.
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Use our Ambassador link and coupon code, PNWHAUNTSANDHOMICIDES, to receive 10% off your
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purchase.
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Like our social media handles, the coupon code is all spelled out no special characters.
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You can find the link in promo code in our show notes or PNW Haunts and Homicides link tree.
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Have a safe stay.
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You guys were back.
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And don't worry, we did get more wine.
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Well, of course.
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I'm excited for this tarot read.
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I wasn't.
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We had a lot of technical difficulties.
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Now fucking chill.
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I'm feeling it.
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Yeah.
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We got it figured out.
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Okay.
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We're probably being cursed and or haunted.
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Yeah.
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So I regret my decisions.
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So like maybe Bat Squatch isn't the one for me.
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He is.
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Don't say that about him.
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And when we have the other rogue beer, the gumberu, so rogue made the gumberu, the
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Bat Squatch and colossal clod into beers.
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And I did not know that before I picked them for this episode, I knew colossal clod did.
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Yeah.
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That's the only one I knew about.
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Even in like researching them, typing in their names into Google, I didn't either, it
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didn't register that they had beers or it just didn't come up.
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But yeah.
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So it's pretty surprised and happy to find that out.
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We don't have OgoPogo yet, but we will start a petition.
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Absolutely.
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Okay, Caitlin.
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That's me.
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Pick your eligible.
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What are you?
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Sassy, sexy, single.
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Oh boy.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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For Bat Squatch's intentions with you.
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Okay.
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What did we get?
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Shut up.
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Did we get?
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Shut up.
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What did we get?
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Oh, cool.
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We got the fool.
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That's my card.
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Okay.
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It was really debating.
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I think the fool is kind of fitting for this one.
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He's some sort of otter, the river otter.
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Just a sea otter.
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Okay.
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Oh, this is this actually works, I think.
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Okay.
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So good.
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Okay.
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So our key words are innocence, beginnings, trust, hope, and opportunity.
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It's the first card in the major arcana.
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The fool begins your journey toward wisdom.
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The fool represents innocence and faith.
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The naive confidence of youth.
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Shown as a young traveler, he embarks on an adventure without a care in the world.
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He's concerned about the potential dangers that lurk ahead on the path.
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I think you're the fool.
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That doesn't sound like me at all.
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You pick a cryptid to date, you fool.
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I know.
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That's what he's trying to say.
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In some decks, he appears as a happy, go-lucky young male standing at the edge of a cliff.
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Just about to step off into the great unknown.
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Then he carries all his worldly possessions tied in a small bag on a stick over his shoulder.
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Suggesting he doesn't have a lot of baggage yet and is open to life's experiences.
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Oh, well, the bag's quite doesn't have like friends or family, so probably not a lot
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of baggage.
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Yeah, I would think.
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Oh, my goodness.
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The fool symbolizes the blind leap of faith we almost take upon entering the journey of
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life.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
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Oh, when the fool appears in a reading, it usually means you're about to embark on a
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new way of life.
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You're open.
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah, you are.
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You're open to new experiences and to discovering what lies around the bend.
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Even if you're not sure about the path you've chosen, you have faith that everything will
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turn out well.
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You probably feel out of sync with the rest of the world.
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But in a good way, are we so sure?
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Oh, listen, I'm wearing literal rose colored glasses.
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I'm channeling Elton John here, but like, I ain't no fool.
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You hear the beat of a different drummer and you're ready to march to it.
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You hear the beat of leathery bat wings.
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Oh, boy.
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I'm skipping right to the love reading.
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Perfect.
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In a reading about love, this card often means beginning a romance or moving into a new
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stage in an existing relationship.
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A new relationship may feel faded as if you've met your soulmate.
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That's what you're soulmates.
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Enjoy this period of joy, openness and excitement.
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Oh, there's another extra excerpt.
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The quest for meaning always takes us into the unknown.
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Oh, boy.
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Okay.
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I can these bad boys off.
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I feel like they are blinding me.
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I love that.
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That was the perfect reading.
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It made up for all of our problems in the beginning, I think.
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Oh, my goodness.
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Yeah.
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We were having some real technical difficulties.
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Yeah, we were.
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Do you like our explosion of Valentine's all over the bed and the altar and it's perfect.
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It's beautiful.
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I love your heart shaped little shelf here.
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And you got is this love potion?
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It's actually poison.
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We're going to pretend it's love potion, which AKA poison.
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Well, we hope you all have a swell V day.
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No matter what you do, if you celebrate, if you don't, if you have a date, if you don't
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do something for yourself, self love is important.
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Happy Valentine's Day for you people.
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This is really fun episode.
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I had a lot of fun being creative and making shit up.
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That was a good time.
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We're going to have to do this again for sure.
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So write in with suggestions of credits because we're doing this again.
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If I have to write it myself, we're doing it again.
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That was too much fun.
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Yeah, sure turn.
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I'm obsessed.
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Oh, thanks.
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Have a creepy ass Valentine's Day.
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See you next Tuesday.
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I'm less, you're one of the three bachelor cryptids that Caitlyn didn't pick.
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Lose my number.
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Yeah, I'm sure they're all very upset.
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I'm going to have to call each one of them personally afterwards and tell them the bad news.
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So wish me luck every morning.
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If I'm not here next week, you guys know why.
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I might have been eaten by a cryptid because he was mad.
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Okay.
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Listen, we're going to have to have a chat with them.
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That's not how you solve problems.
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Okay.
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Bye.
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Bye.
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Bye.
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Oh, that is not a birthday present for Kelce!
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That is a bed save.
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Please read it.
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I cannot read it.
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You want me to read it?
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Oh, my God.
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I mean, I would hardly call this a family show.
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No, we don't need to read it.
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Oh, my God.
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No, we have to read it.
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Oh, you want to read it?
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Oh, my God.
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If there's any kids around sitting around with the room immediately, if that's sooner, why
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are you letting your kids listen to that?
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Don't let them listen to me.
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Yeah.
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I'm naughty.
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Jesus.
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Okay.
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The submarine.
53:04
Also known as a sexual act involving a man eating out a woman's vagina while masturbating.
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Okay.
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Seems tame.
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Just before he comes to completion, he looks up at her when she notices him looking at
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her.
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He says target locked, which is I can't know, never target locked.
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Target is officially out of the room.
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While the girl is still in confusion, he says fire torpedo as he jumps up and comes to completion
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on her face in her face on her face in her face.
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Oh, boy.
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Then walks away saying target destroyed.
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And I would literally end the life of this critter.
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I mean, this is something you need to talk about with your partner beforehand and make sure
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everyone's okay with it.
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Yeah, because listen, this definition comes with, can I hear it in a sentence?
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And here we go.
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Kelce was so surprised when I gave her that submarine for her birthday.
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No.
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Don't surprise the submarine on any of it.
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Never surprise anyone with anything ever.
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No.
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Never.
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Consent is key.
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Yeah.
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Also, that does not sound like a birthday present for Kelce.
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Just FYI.
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Kelce.
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Are you okay?
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Kelce is not okay.
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