Latest / My Best Caregiver Life / Black Caregivers: The Question That Made Me Put Myself First

Transcript

Black Caregivers: The Question That Made Me Put Myself First · My Best Caregiver Life

• 0:07
  Speaker: Welcome to my best caregiver life.
• 0:09
  Speaker: I'm Christy Moore, and this is where we center the Black family caregiver, your health, your identity, and the life you still have to live ahead of you.
• 0:20
  Speaker: We also talk about what can help the person you care for, because what helps them can absolutely help you too.
• 0:27
  Speaker: Caregiving is something you do.
• 0:29
  Speaker: It's not who you are.
• 0:30
  Speaker: It's a chapter in your story, not the whole book.
• 0:34
  Speaker: I am so happy you're here listening to this podcast, My Best caregiver Life, and I'm so grateful for your presence.
• 0:58
  Speaker: I created this podcast to still be me, to be a place of support, to be a place of loving kindness, to be a place of humor, a gathering spot on this little corner of the internet and podcast world, and truly, truly to be a safe space for us, Black family caregivers, to come together and support one another.
• 1:24
  Speaker: It was born out of a desire to still remember who I am and who I've always been before caregiving even began.
• 1:33
  Speaker: I also created it because I was concerned about being swallowed up and consumed.
• 1:39
  Speaker: It was a huge fear of mine when I first became a caregiver, because I kept hearing all the different stories, understandably so, about how caregiving took over people's lives.
• 1:52
  Speaker: And it does.
• 1:54
  Speaker: If you are the only person taking care of an individual, of a family member, or the brunt of the responsibility falls on your shoulders, absolutely, it can take over your life.
• 2:06
  Speaker: But my intention in creating this podcast is to make a few deposits into my life now.
• 2:14
  Speaker: So I want to focus on the things that still bring me joy, that help me take care of myself, the dreams that I still have for my life now.
• 2:23
  Speaker: Because being happy, being centered, being fulfilled, being grateful, being thankful, those are all things that will support me as this caregiving journey continues and takes its twists and turns.
• 2:40
  Speaker: So I became a caregiver first for my husband during the pandemic.
• 2:44
  Speaker: I had noticed that he was being forgetful.
• 2:47
  Speaker: There was a particular time when we went to go buy office chairs for our desk.
• 2:52
  Speaker: I was working from home.
• 2:53
  Speaker: And when we got home, he didn't recognize his chair, which chair was his.
• 2:58
  Speaker: And I found that really odd because the chair he purchased, the chair we purchased together, his was white and mine was black.
• 3:06
  Speaker: There was no mistaken identity between the two chairs.
• 3:10
  Speaker: And that really stuck out to me.
• 3:11
  Speaker: There probably were things that were happening before then that I didn't realize, thing that, you know, he had been forgetting.
• 3:19
  Speaker: But that really stuck out to me.
• 3:23
  Speaker: So fast forward, he's diagnosed with early onset dementia.
• 3:28
  Speaker: And I remember after that diagnosis, feeling like my world had just collapsed, that everything that I had thought about our future, everything that I wanted us to do together, everything that I hoped it would be, that we planned to do was now gone forever.
• 3:46
  Speaker: And I acted like it.
• 3:48
  Speaker: Every single thing I did, or every single thought that I had was about what do I need to do next for him?
• 3:55
  Speaker: Appointments, diagnostic tests, thinking about the future, making changes, making plans, doing all these different things.
• 4:03
  Speaker: And I really ran myself ragged to the point where I was losing sleep and I was losing hair at the same time.
• 4:11
  Speaker: However, when I talked to a social worker, she set me straight.
• 4:16
  Speaker: She got my attention.
• 4:17
  Speaker: She literally said, Christy, we know what's going on with him, with the early onset dementia.
• 4:23
  Speaker: But what about you?
• 4:25
  Speaker: If something happens to you, then what?
• 4:28
  Speaker: And that absolutely got my attention.
• 4:32
  Speaker: From that point forward, that became kind of like the background music or the background mantra or background question for my life as if something happens to me, then what?
• 4:45
  Speaker: So to me, that meant like, well, who do I need to be?
• 4:48
  Speaker: How do I need to show up for me first and foremost?
• 4:52
  Speaker: Because I am the linchpin.
• 4:54
  Speaker: Truly, if something happens to me, not that it won't ever happen to me, but if something happens to me sooner than later, then everything could collapse.
• 5:04
  Speaker: Anything that I may have been setting up for us or setting up for him, if it's unfinished or not thought through, it wouldn't be completed or it wouldn't be done or it wouldn't be taken care of.
• 5:18
  Speaker: So in this podcast, it's not really anything like a Pollyanna talks of positivity.
• 5:23
  Speaker: Oh, my best caregiver life, look at me, having the best life possible.
• 5:27
  Speaker: I'm a caregiver and I'm this and I'm that, and it's wonderful.
• 5:30
  Speaker: Absolutely, positively not.
• 5:33
  Speaker: What I am seeing with it is that my best caregiver life is all about how you, how I can live our best life given the circumstances that we're living in today.
• 5:45
  Speaker: It's about looking at life from a different angle, perhaps making some adjustments to things that clearly are no longer going to happen, make some adjustments to plans and things like that.
• 5:59
  Speaker: But really, it's an opportunity to reframe this experience and to see how I could take good care of myself, how I could still fulfill some dreams, to see how I could let go of things that really were no longer serving me.
• 6:16
  Speaker: I think really what this experience has given me really is permission to be me, to be unapologetic about me.
• 6:25
  Speaker: It has given me permission to be more bold in how I advocate for myself because I'm advocating for other people besides my husband.
• 6:34
  Speaker: A few years ago, my sister and I started kind of co-care giving for our parents.
• 6:38
  Speaker: They still live independently in their own home with caregivers, but we support them.
• 6:44
  Speaker: So, yeah, being unapologetically me, making decisions that amount in me advocating for myself, as well as advocating for my loved ones, my parents, and my husband.
• 6:55
  Speaker: It opened my eyes to a lot of things that I had been doing that I didn't want to do anymore.
• 7:00
  Speaker: It gave me permission to step out of different roles or step down from different things that I was participating in.
• 7:10
  Speaker: One, knowing that I couldn't participate in them really going forward, given the journey I'm on.
• 7:16
  Speaker: But then realizing, like, did I even want to ever do that in the first place anyway?
• 7:20
  Speaker: Was my heart into that?
• 7:22
  Speaker: Was I doing that because that was what was expected of me?
• 7:26
  Speaker: Or was I doing that because it was something I truly wanted to do?
• 7:30
  Speaker: And that's around like work-related things for me, because I'm still working full-time while I'm caring for my husband and co-care giving for my parents.
• 7:40
  Speaker: This podcast to me represents a piece of me.
• 7:43
  Speaker: I didn't know I was going to be creating a podcast.
• 7:46
  Speaker: I didn't know about this season of my life.
• 7:49
  Speaker: I didn't know how it was going to turn out.
• 7:52
  Speaker: You could not have told me five years ago, six years ago, seven years ago, that somehow I would find my purpose and my meaning in showing up in this space to being a place of love and support, of humor, of honesty, of being a safe space to gather, that that would be where my life was headed.
• 8:15
  Speaker: And it's so interesting because I know it's my purpose because it won't let me go.
• 8:20
  Speaker: I published a few episodes of this podcast back in January of last year, and I stopped after that.
• 8:29
  Speaker: I didn't exactly know what I was doing.
• 8:31
  Speaker: I couldn't quite get my head wrapped around, like I know I'm supposed to be doing this, but what am I doing actually?
• 8:40
  Speaker: And so I stopped, but I did not unpublish the episodes.
• 8:44
  Speaker: I'll republish the episodes that I published back then or probably sometime later on in this season.
• 8:51
  Speaker: But I was on a call with the group and I had a realization.
• 8:55
  Speaker: Many, many years ago, I had had a dream about being on a stage.
• 9:00
  Speaker: I was getting out of an SUV, and it is as if I was watching myself from behind.
• 9:07
  Speaker: So I'm seeing myself go into a building, go up some stairs, and go into a stage, but I can't see the stage and I can't see what's going on in front of me or around me.
• 9:18
  Speaker: I'm wearing something purple.
• 9:21
  Speaker: And it dawned on me literally, just this past three months, four months, maybe, that the color, brand color for the Alzheimer's Association is purple.
• 9:33
  Speaker: And I felt like everything just clicked.
• 9:36
  Speaker: I knew I was supposed to be doing this work.
• 9:39
  Speaker: I knew I was supposed to be supporting other people.
• 9:43
  Speaker: Now, in my situation, I have a, you know, a mixed caregiving situation.
• 9:47
  Speaker: I take care of my husband with dementia.
• 9:50
  Speaker: Then I have my parents who are both in their mid 80s with different health problems.
• 9:54
  Speaker: And I know there are other people out there with different caregiving situations.
• 9:58
  Speaker: I facilitate a caregiver connection call in a community I belong to.
• 10:03
  Speaker: And in that group, we have caregivers that are doing caregiving long distance and are traveling back and forth.
• 10:10
  Speaker: We have caregivers in the group who've temporarily moved from their home to the place where the person is that's receiving care.
• 10:20
  Speaker: So I'll call that person the care recipient or the career, the person receiving the care.
• 10:25
  Speaker: And even though we all have different caregiving experiences, different scenarios, different situations, different points on the journey, what we do have in common is that we are there for each other.
• 10:39
  Speaker: We can say the things out loud that might be politically incorrect to say, but we get it because we understand what the season of life is in.
• 10:51
  Speaker: And it's a predominantly black caregivers that are in the group along with me.
• 10:57
  Speaker: And so we talk about cultural things, we talk about expectations, we talk about different kinds of things.
• 11:03
  Speaker: And I feel like because of the group, it has given me a sense of safety and belonging.
• 11:11
  Speaker: And in this day and age, safety and belonging for black people anywhere can be hard to come by.
• 11:19
  Speaker: So caregiving absolutely is something that we're doing.
• 11:23
  Speaker: It is what we do.
• 11:25
  Speaker: So on the podcast, there'll definitely be episodes where we're talking about that.
• 11:30
  Speaker: I'll be talking with different professionals and experts about caregiving and focusing the point of view on you, your capacity as a caregiver.
• 11:41
  Speaker: Obviously, it may include something that benefits the person you're caring for, your career, but it has to benefit you as well.
• 11:49
  Speaker: Because if you are continuing to be a caregiver, pouring from an empty cup, you would fall apart.
• 11:58
  Speaker: At some point, you'll burn out.
• 12:00
  Speaker: The glass will sit there empty, and people will be looking at you, expecting you to be doing all the different things, and you can't because you did not pour into yourself first.
• 12:10
  Speaker: So this really isn't about being selfish.
• 12:13
  Speaker: This is about coming back to the foundation of you are you before you became a caregiver.
• 12:20
  Speaker: So I like to say caregiving is something we do.
• 12:23
  Speaker: It's not who you are.
• 12:25
  Speaker: You are the person you are before you became a caregiver.
• 12:29
  Speaker: You are the person you are as a caregiver.
• 12:32
  Speaker: You are the person you are who still has dreams, aspirations, desires, needs, wants.
• 12:40
  Speaker: You still have a life outside of caregiving, believe it or not.
• 12:45
  Speaker: You are still allowed to dream about having a life outside of caregiving.
• 12:50
  Speaker: You are still allowed to plan for a life outside of caregiving.
• 12:54
  Speaker: Granted, it may look different than what you anticipated before you came into this season of caregiving, and that's okay.
• 13:03
  Speaker: Mine has definitely shifted.
• 13:05
  Speaker: As I said, I didn't know I'd be starting a podcast about this.
• 13:09
  Speaker: I thought I was going to be focused on something altogether different when I created a podcast.
• 13:14
  Speaker: And that's a whole story for a different episode.
• 13:17
  Speaker: But here I am.
• 13:18
  Speaker: It's about 6.25 in the morning.
• 13:20
  Speaker: My house is quiet.
• 13:22
  Speaker: I'm sitting in the kitchen.
• 13:24
  Speaker: I hear my dogs.
• 13:26
  Speaker: I think they're about to get up and come downstairs.
• 13:29
  Speaker: But I want this time for you and I to spend together to be a sacred time, to just listen and be supported and allow yourself to feel all the feelings that you're having about what it means to be a caregiver, given the situation or the family or the circumstances that you're in.
• 13:50
  Speaker: Some of us are caregivers by choice, some of us are caregivers by force.
• 13:55
  Speaker: It falls on our shoulders to be the person because you're the strong one, the organized one, the resourceful one, the responsible one.
• 14:03
  Speaker: So it falls on you, even though that's not what you signed up for.
• 14:06
  Speaker: I want this podcast to be a place where we can come together and gather and talk.
• 14:13
  Speaker: So I have ideas and plans and hopes and wishes for what this community could become in the future.
• 14:21
  Speaker: I'm going to be counting on you to help me frame what that looks like.
• 14:26
  Speaker: I know I have gotten so much joy out of hosting a caregiver connection call.
• 14:32
  Speaker: That is absolutely something I like to still continue doing, as well as provide workshops and other things to learn how we can take care of ourselves first and foremost so we can take care of the people in our lives that we love.
• 14:47
  Speaker: So I want to say welcome, thank you, I appreciate you.
• 14:52
  Speaker: I thank God for you.
• 14:54
  Speaker: There's a reason why you and I are together in this season of our lives.
• 15:00
  Speaker: And I could not be more grateful to be walking on this journey with you.
• 15:05
  Speaker: Thank you.
• 15:06
  Speaker: And I'll see you in the next episode.
• 15:09
  Speaker: Take care.
• 15:17
  Speaker: Thank you for listening to my best caregiver life.
• 15:20
  Speaker: Be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
• 15:25
  Speaker: And if today's episode helped you, please share it with another caregiver and take a moment to rate and view the show.
• 15:32
  Speaker: And remember, caregiving is something you do, it's not who you are, it's a chapter in your story, not the whole book.
• 15:39
  Speaker: I'll see you next time.