Latest / Very Fine Friends / The Lizard of Oz

Transcript

The Lizard of Oz · Very Fine Friends

0:00
okay this would be a really funny ability to have you know how Roger Rabbit you ever seen Roger
0:19
Rabbit no are you serious why it came out when I was a kid we were not allowed to watch it I think
0:27
because Jessica Rabbit was very sexy.
0:30
She was hot, but she kept her clothes on.
0:32
Well, she got huge tits that were barely covered.
0:36
The irony.
0:37
Okay, mine are covered.
0:39
So I think we're good.
0:42
I mean, granted, at any moment.
0:45
They could come out.
0:46
Yeah, but at the moment they're covered.
0:48
Well, there's a scene in the movie
0:50
where Roger Rabbit jumps out a window
0:51
and it leaves the shape of him.
0:54
Yeah.
0:54
And I'm like, how funny would that be
0:55
if you could just do that?
0:57
Yeah.
0:57
I know, it's too bad that we can't.
1:01
I've often thought that that's really funny.
1:03
Yeah, that'd be a really funny bit.
1:05
That would be expensive for people to clean up.
1:09
Well, no, or would it be?
1:13
Glass is expensive.
1:15
Oh, jumping out the window, like the glass look like that.
1:18
Okay, I don't know what I was thinking.
1:21
You seem to be so on board.
1:24
I always picture people jumping through walls like that
1:26
and the wall being the same shape.
1:28
I was picturing both.
1:29
Oh.
1:30
Okay.
1:30
Well, both of those things cost money.
1:32
But hey, I mean, if the cleaners are laughing while they're doing it,
1:36
are they really working?
1:37
That sounds like play to me.
1:38
Yeah, just tape it up.
1:40
I'll probably do it again.
1:41
Yeah, I know.
1:43
See if I can get the exact same.
1:45
That would be fun to try.
1:46
Yeah, yeah.
1:47
Then it would become like a game.
1:50
What would you call it?
1:53
Body hole.
1:53
yeah self-slot did you say self-slot yeah yeah i wish you'd said that before i heard body hole
2:01
hole i know oh can't beat it oh you know what else i always think is a fun gag
2:09
or like visual image in a movie tell me when um i think sidecars on motorcycles in general are
2:19
funny but when they become detached and go downstairs that's really funny i don't know if
2:24
i've ever seen one go downstairs it's like well it's like uh aristocats yeah it's like the
2:29
motorcycle oh no the sidecar is detached and then it starts to drift over here and then it's like
2:34
downstairs like i and it's it's an aristocats right i don't remember i think it's aristocats
2:39
i feel like it's in a lot of cartoons from like the 60s yeah or maybe it's 101 dalmatians one of
2:44
those two but like there's a bike and a sidecar and then like the big dogs and the bike and the
2:48
little dog is in the sidecar and they're like they're coming out towards like one of those
2:52
like stairs down to the riverbank kind of things and the the big dog stays straight and then the
2:59
little dog just goes straight down and like they cleanly detach and keep going in a straight line
3:03
it's pretty solid yeah it's solid yeah good good gags yeah cartoons should be like gags it should
3:11
be like life life should be like cartoons rather oh yeah yeah you don't fall unless you notice that
3:18
you're not on solid ground.
3:20
That's a good one. Yeah.
3:21
And no matter how scary it seems, you know you're going to be fine.
3:24
Oh, and big
3:26
cartoon butter.
3:28
Big cartoon butter? You know when they like butter toast
3:30
and it looks like the best toast you could ever have in your life?
3:32
Give me something. And cartoon beer.
3:34
Cartoon beer, dude. Cartoon beer.
3:36
So good. So fizzy. That's why I was
3:37
that's why I'm not a huge, I think it's cartoons
3:40
have ruined beer for me. It's because it's like
3:41
I want it to taste like what it looks like
3:44
in a cartoon where it looks like
3:45
just the most magical cream soda you've ever
3:47
had and it said it tastes like beer stupid we should sue i i'm going to sue i'm literally suing
3:56
right now thank god you're a lawyer should you sue cartoons incorporated or should you sue i'm
4:00
suing beer beer yeah yes cartoons did nothing wrong yeah they were like here we're setting
4:05
the stage we just gave you what we showed you yes we just invented a great drink for you don't
4:11
screw it up.
4:12
The beer was like,
4:12
nah.
4:13
Yeah.
4:15
Yep.
4:15
Beer's like,
4:16
no.
4:16
Yeah.
4:17
Beer's like,
4:17
I don't know.
4:17
We're gonna make it like bitter.
4:18
Yeah.
4:19
Weird tasting.
4:20
Hmm.
4:21
Hmm.
4:22
Hmm.
4:24
Yeah.
4:24
Yeah.
4:26
Sounds kind of whalish.
4:30
Welcome to Very Fine Friends,
4:32
a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
4:36
Well,
4:37
I'm glad we've gotten our cartoon grievances out of the way.
4:40
Some of them.
4:41
Beer, look out.
4:42
We're coming for you.
4:43
Yeah, you've got time.
4:44
You're on notice.
4:45
Get cartoony.
4:45
Yeah.
4:48
And Francis is a lawyer, as we have established.
4:51
And I just paid my dues.
4:54
Your law dues.
4:55
Yeah, so I'm ready.
4:56
I'm in a bad mood.
4:57
Oh.
4:58
Watch out.
5:00
Yeah, beer.
5:02
So I can hear beer shaking in its boots.
5:05
Yeah, that's right.
5:05
Fizz up.
5:07
Anyway.
5:08
But fizz up to a cartoony level, please.
5:10
Yeah.
5:10
And then tastes like cream soda.
5:14
How are you, Francis?
5:17
Good.
5:19
That doesn't sound enthusiastic.
5:22
I deal with some personal stuff.
5:23
I'm sorry.
5:24
You know, life, life, life, life.
5:26
I think I've been hexed.
5:28
No.
5:28
I want to find someone to unhex me.
5:30
I'll help you with that.
5:32
Thanks.
5:32
Sure.
5:33
I didn't know you needed to be.
5:35
I could have done this a long time ago.
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Oh, I should be more open with my needs and wants.
5:39
You're hexing.
5:40
yeah just ask for you gotta ask your friends for help i keep too much in i'm famously an
5:46
undersharer it's true i know nothing about you uh how are you doing i'm doing well
5:53
yeah i'm doing well hold it in i'm not your therapist i thought that would land better
5:59
well you are actually the closest thing i have to a therapist so in a way you are i have some
6:05
pretty good advice you know i once wanted to go to school to be a therapist oh yeah yeah
6:09
when what happened um i think you'd be a good therapist thank you i'm so fucked up um there's
6:17
a lot of school like i thought you could get a bachelor's and then do like counseling but you
6:21
really can't you have to like get a master's and i'm like so much time yeah just to help people
6:28
time to help people why don't you just trust me that i'll eventually get it or just trust me that
6:34
I'm going to give good advice. Yeah. There's Yelp. You'll know if I'm doing good or bad.
6:40
Yeah. I thought you meant like they could look at your Yelp reviews and be like,
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this guy clearly gives good advice. Go here. Don't go here. That's what I meant. Yes. Yeah.
6:51
He's got good taste and good recommendations. Okay. This is, I feel like I could curate the
6:58
most amazing therapy room that you'd like want to go to you know what I mean like how what would
7:06
you do like I just feel like I could pick out the perfect chairs like I would have I would have
7:11
a really nice chaise lounge but like a really professional one so if you wanted to kind of
7:18
lay back you could do that but I would also have a nice like comfortable chair that you could sit
7:25
if you didn't want to be in the chaise lounge, so you got to choose.
7:28
Of course, there would be books, many books.
7:30
So I could choose the chaise?
7:32
Choose the chaise of cha.
7:35
Chas.
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Anyway, I'd be there, so huge plus.
7:40
I mentioned the books, just beautiful art, probably Kandinsky.
7:45
Oh.
7:46
You know, things along that nature.
7:49
Nice.
7:49
Yeah.
7:50
You'd probably be...
7:50
What would be the color palette?
7:51
um well i like pest not pestles i know i said that i like gem tones yes same
7:59
come to my therapy room yeah nothing like a i like a saturated color yeah probably an emerald
8:07
yeah oh emerald's great yeah emerald's great good ruby accent too is not bad
8:12
love you're probably half cured just by walking in this room yeah but then would you be worried
8:19
that you're creating an environment so soothing people wouldn't want to leave?
8:25
I'm charged by the hour.
8:28
I know, but you still, you also probably,
8:31
I feel like if I was a therapist, I'm like,
8:33
50 minutes is, I'm sure I hate you by the end of that 50 minutes.
8:38
I'm going to need you to go.
8:39
I just have like one of those, what do they call them?
8:42
Like the daylight lights.
8:43
I just like flip it on, like overhead lighting.
8:47
The gays know what I'm talking about.
8:48
You mean like a last call late?
8:50
Yeah.
8:51
Like at a bar?
8:51
Yeah.
8:52
Yeah.
8:53
At the 45 minute mark, just...
8:56
All right.
8:58
Wrap it up.
9:01
Tapping my pen.
9:03
You're someone with a hook.
9:05
Like coming backstage.
9:07
Yeah.
9:08
My assistant, the vaudeville pullout.
9:10
Yeah.
9:11
Even orchestra play them off.
9:15
How come no one's tried this?
9:17
I don't know.
9:18
Again, that's another comically funny thing.
9:21
It's a giant hook.
9:23
Quick interruption.
9:24
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
9:34
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
9:42
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
9:46
and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
9:55
for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word
10:02
is sideburns jenna's decoy word is inviting francis's secret word is middleman francis's
10:09
decoy word is commercialism back to the pod you know it's not comically funny
10:16
the invention of the weed oh i disagree
10:22
inventions
10:25
great segue thank you thank you so much i invented it myself speaking of which francis
10:36
would you like to share with us your invention this week yeah okay are you sure yeah yeah yeah
10:44
All right, cool.
10:45
Yeah!
10:46
Oh, okay, I'm convinced now.
10:48
Okay.
10:48
Hey, you guys.
10:49
Yeah?
10:50
You know how men are angry and violent?
10:53
I do know that.
10:54
Do you know how men commit murders?
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I know it sounds like a deja vu impression.
10:59
Okay, I do know that.
11:01
Okay, you know how we don't want to be murdered.
11:04
I do know that.
11:06
You know how there's science?
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Is there?
11:13
I don't know.
11:13
Okay.
11:14
I'll concede that.
11:15
Yeah.
11:15
Remember how I previously invented, um, lady radar.
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Lady rate.
11:22
Wait, the one.
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So you could know if your lady is cheating on you.
11:24
No.
11:25
The one that, you know, if a man is approaching while you're jogging.
11:28
Oh yes.
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Yeah.
11:30
Well, that was, I realized after I invented that and I'm still very, very proud.
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The safety or the no contact lens.
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She's spy.
11:41
Oh, the Juby jogger.
11:43
Juby jogger.
11:44
Yes.
11:44
Yeah.
11:45
Yes.
11:45
Yeah.
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Well, I had an epiphany and this invention cuts out the middleman on this one.
11:51
Okay.
11:52
It cuts out the murderer.
11:54
Kind of.
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Okay.
11:56
Yeah, kind of.
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Totally, totally, kind of.
11:59
Okay.
12:00
Here it is.
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It's a device, like a Dexcom, like a little thing that you plop onto the man.
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Okay.
12:11
What's a Dexcom?
12:12
i don't really know you have some idea because it's like it's like something that sticks on you
12:19
and it like tells your blood sugar i don't know if that's true oh oh okay like the thing that's
12:24
on people's arms sometimes yeah and it like keeps yeah track of their stats yeah yeah yeah yeah okay
12:29
i just didn't know that's the baseline so it goes on the man yep and every woman will make this a
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condition of their relationship like while we're dating and figuring you out like you need to wear
12:39
this thing so sure babe he gets the install right and what it does jenna and joe what it does
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is it continuously measures the the amount of hormones in the body like adrenaline cortisol
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epinephrine and when those hormones spike when you know that this man is about to go into a
13:07
murderous rage, it immediately releases counteracting hormones to stop the rage.
13:23
So your hypothesis is that women get murdered while they're jogging by strangers or by the
13:34
men that they're dating?
13:36
Actually, yes.
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And just dating, like just recently dating.
13:40
It could be husbands too, but most women are murdered by people they know.
13:44
Well, that's true, but are we going to strap one of these to every man on the planet?
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We can give a tax break.
13:59
Aren't some of those hormones good for you to experience sometimes?
14:02
Sometimes.
14:03
Like what if a man gets a cortisol spike because he in a really dangerous situation and that like isn that like or like a spike of adrenaline because he you know like and then you just suddenly stop him and then he like he like oh I not scared of of this impending car wreck anymore
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So I'm just gonna drive right into it.
14:28
No.
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No, that won't happen.
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Science knows the amount of hormones that precipitate murder.
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So it's different from a car, and it's different from just road rage,
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or it's different from yelling at someone at Home Depot.
14:51
It's different.
14:53
It's different than yelling at a stranger in Home Depot?
14:56
Yeah.
14:56
But we can adjust the levels because guess what?
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most people don't want to be upset and if they just had a little implant think of it it's like
15:04
a little person next to you that's like no drop your ego papa and it gives you a second
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to recalibrate and be like i don't need to yell i don't need to be in a car accident
15:17
then it sounds like the only way that this works is if this is a product for everyone
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not just men who are in relationships with women we start with men
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i'm saying if it's everyone then like what jenna said about what if the man is in a dangerous
15:32
situation well if it was for everyone then presumably the person putting that man in a
15:37
dangerous situation would have one dangerous situations go away exactly i'm just saying
15:43
it only works if everyone is keeping each other in check a great feedback okay yes that's how it
15:52
works sort of or it could be a brave new world scenario where they're all just we're all just
16:01
taking pills to like regulate any type of emotion to keep us all in a regular stasis of like
16:06
la-di-da i know you're saying that i know you're making a good point but you've read the book do
16:14
you really want to be the fat lady that comes back to society or do you want to be one of the perfect
16:17
ones i'm sorry i said fat lady she was fat and ugly right i she was she was more than just fat
16:24
she had other bad things going she was like just i'm sorry i want to take it all back
16:28
no it's fine it's fine that's you didn't write the book i know but why did i focus on fat i'm fat
16:34
where's my empathy it's no okay that's not the point the late no i i think
16:42
it's better to have you need these like range of you need these like ranges of hormones like they
16:52
do things they regulate things in your body yeah yeah so like the second they start to do something
17:00
that's a sign that's your body giving you a sign that something's happening can we just try it
17:06
because I feel like, ooh, new idea.
17:10
We start with people with a violent past.
17:14
You can get out of jail 30 days early if you get the implant.
17:18
It's part of our trial.
17:20
I mean, that makes more sense.
17:23
We're getting somewhere.
17:24
And how do we regulate just, does science know how to regulate?
17:29
I mean, I guess if it knows how to regulate between murder
17:33
and yelling at a guy in Home Depot.
17:35
Love this.
17:36
I mean because you also wouldn't want like your testosterone
17:38
We're not measuring that
17:40
No you're not
17:41
Isn't higher testosterone
17:44
More of an indicator
17:45
For violence as well
17:47
Yes
17:49
That's why men are more violent than women
17:51
Because they have more testosterone
17:52
And then they're really high
17:53
That's why like
17:55
And steroids
17:58
Make you really angry
18:01
Guys who are on gear
18:02
They could just get angry
18:04
about like the smallest things at the drop of a hat yeah i think the testosterone tells the
18:10
adrenaline to pull up but if we stop the adrenaline from pulling up the testosterone
18:15
has no friend to go to the party with i uh i don't know if that's how it works but okay here's another
18:23
idea though that another worry as as a lady let's say if i'm just regulating a man to be kind of
18:33
middle of the road and just kind of like la-di-da all the time then it's like i could be with a
18:41
murderer and i wouldn't even know it like i think you are a murderer or you're not
18:46
at heart you're also probably gonna destroy a sex drive yeah
18:51
well not everyone likes their pasta al dente
18:56
elegant metaphor aside and i think that's i think in this situation that we're talking about
19:10
most people do want their pasta al dente or even uncooked let's say
19:15
i've been single a long time
19:20
um all right well i could see it i i like the idea of working it more for like violent
19:31
i mean although why are we releasing violent people back onto the streets but
19:37
well they were gonna get out anyway
19:39
uh i i like it better for that
19:44
maybe we just use it on inmates stop being violent in prison here you don't need your pasta
19:54
yeah i know in prison it would solve a lot of problems probably we'll start in prison
20:00
doesn't does it affect your brain is it like i mean i know that's that they don't mean like that
20:05
like does it affect you like where if you have it removed is it like you come out of a fog
20:10
if you don't have it anymore?
20:13
Is it like the side effects of medication
20:16
where you get kind of like foggy
20:17
and like you're not really yourself?
20:20
I don't think so.
20:21
All I can say is a perfect example.
20:26
A few weeks ago, somebody cut me off.
20:31
Like I was driving and I had a green light
20:33
and they were waiting to turn right
20:35
and they had a red light and they just went.
20:38
and I like so you followed them to Home Depot
20:41
still looking for me
20:44
um and I had a flash where I was like old Francis
20:50
and then I thought to myself no and I went
20:54
it's okay and nothing happened
20:58
I think it would be like that but forcibly
21:01
but you were able to do that on your own
21:07
Yeah. But most people don't try. Especially men. God, they want to make a scene.
21:12
So why not embed something to help them try to solve this problem naturally instead of chemically?
21:17
Well, that already exists. It's meditation. It's self-work. Introspection.
21:24
Big burly men don't want to do that.
21:29
Yeah. Okay. What are we calling this?
21:34
hmm rage cage cage your rage i like that cage your rage
21:44
yeah come on baby cage my rage is that too much like one of those rage rooms
21:51
that people think it
21:54
okay so maybe joe just made a bunch of i was trying to think of a way to turn rage room into
22:08
a name for this rage bedroom because it's where your rage goes to sleep
22:14
what about why would we even need to come up with more ideas that's the one i mean that's it
22:20
where your rage goes to sleep
22:24
what were you going to say Francis?
22:32
I was just going to keep it simple
22:33
I was going to say
22:34
flight
22:36
flight?
22:39
yeah
22:39
what are the other
22:42
there's like four of the F's
22:44
fawn and
22:46
figgle
22:50
fegals worth he's figling
22:52
fondle
22:54
now is there four
22:58
i think there are four
22:59
i think there are four
23:02
um something with the word hormone
23:05
no
23:06
cortisol with s-o-u-l
23:11
what a name
23:12
bullshit
23:14
sorry what
23:16
cortisol like but soul
23:19
like s-o-u-l
23:21
core to solve
23:22
core to solve
23:24
you've solved the problem
23:26
adrenalink
23:29
adrenalink
23:31
that's good
23:35
thanks
23:37
epinephrine
23:38
epinephrine
23:41
adrenalax
23:43
adren relax
23:45
oh nice oh i get it now
23:47
no not like laxative
23:49
I get it now, I said.
23:50
Like, relax.
23:52
Don't do it when you want to go do it.
23:53
Yeah.
23:56
Okay.
23:57
Well, I'm sure there are many, many women that would strap this to their men.
24:04
The only problem that I, okay, another problem that just occurred to me,
24:07
the kind of men that would let a woman do this are not the kind of men that are murdered.
24:13
It's going to be the men that are just like, hell no, I'm not doing that.
24:17
And that's, that is, by the way, that is a normal response.
24:21
That's from a non-murderous man.
24:23
If I were a dude, I'd be like, hell no, I'm not doing that.
24:27
How about, think about it this way.
24:28
This could be men with one strike where it's like, hey, Zach,
24:32
I saw something I really didn't like in you.
24:34
And I'm really not sure if I can move forward.
24:37
If you're committed to trying out this cool new device with no currently
24:43
known side effects, I will continue to date you.
24:46
if you don't want to that's fine i understand i get it it's a big ass but you scared me the other
24:50
day um okay but again as a like as a lady this i would just prefer to know whether a guy is
25:00
psychotic or not and then leave if he is if i don't want to know that i've been
25:06
dating as the dragon yeah like a medicated man because then if it ever malfunctions in any way
25:13
you're screwed and then i'm surprised or is this a training tool it's helping zach to manage those
25:21
or is it just like a water dam where it's just sort of like putting a stopper on all the rage
25:26
until it finally spills over when he's off the mess the slogan is
25:29
these are things to think about well not every product is perfect but every product has a buyer
25:39
well again i do think actually that's commercialism
25:43
aside from the violation of people's personal
25:47
rights uh i do think geez let's keep you off the product launch
25:52
this is not the direction okay
25:54
uh i
25:58
i would say it will prisons would probably like it i think it would stop a lot of
26:07
needless infighting in the prisons.
26:10
Shanking.
26:11
God, stop the shanking.
26:13
Yeah, or just even like the political drama.
26:18
Yeah, stop separating by race.
26:20
Yeah.
26:21
Stupid.
26:21
There's enough, yeah, there's enough of that on the outside.
26:24
Separate by hobbies.
26:26
Yeah.
26:27
Separate by who likes to be in the yard and who likes to be inside doing checkers.
26:32
Yes.
26:33
We should go to prisons and talk.
26:36
Thank you.
26:37
I have been saying that for years.
26:40
And I think we finally have a real,
26:44
we have a real plan now.
26:46
Summer,
26:47
the very fine friends are going on tour to prisons across America.
26:51
We can probably get paid.
26:53
Yeah.
26:54
Can you imagine the two of us?
26:57
Hey,
26:58
prisoners,
26:58
we're your special guests.
27:00
We're going to do live pod here from 10th city.
27:07
Please put your phones away that you're not supposed to have.
27:11
Oh, put your penis away.
27:12
Not now.
27:16
Yeah.
27:17
Well, I do think it would work in that scenario.
27:22
And I think there would be people who use it.
27:27
I wonder if people would like deliberately get themselves mad just to get the hit of the drug.
27:33
No, it's like Narcan.
27:37
It doesn't feel good.
27:38
It just stops the thing that feels bad.
27:42
Narcan is like nothing.
27:44
It just stops the...
27:45
Yeah, it counteracts the hit.
27:48
Hmm.
27:50
Okay.
27:51
I don't know what I thought it was.
27:53
Am I having a bleach moment?
27:53
I'm pretty sure that's true.
27:55
Oh, by the way, drink bleach.
28:00
You're going to kill me.
28:03
Do you want to?
28:03
And casually take Narcan.
28:05
I don't care.
28:06
Do whatever you want.
28:06
If you could find it, hit it.
28:08
Yeah.
28:11
Okay.
28:12
Well, Narcan aside.
28:14
All right.
28:15
Well, this...
28:16
I can see yeah I can see this working prisons everywhere and then maybe if it a success Some people have it Some people have it Yeah All right well
28:27
Okay, cool. Thanks for hearing me out.
28:28
Yeah, sure.
28:29
Thanks for...
28:30
Well, thank you.
28:31
Thanks for just...
28:32
For two weeks in a row now, trying to stop women from getting murdered.
28:36
I think it's International Women's Month.
28:39
You're looking out for us, baby.
28:40
Yeah.
28:41
We appreciate it.
28:42
Hey, I came from a woman.
28:45
Yeah, you're one of those?
28:46
that came from a woman yeah i know one of the few the proud yeah i don't know if which way i came
28:55
though you don't know i don't know if i was through the sunroof or oh you know what i'm saying yeah
29:03
when you said which way i was like i don't like through the butt i don't understand that
29:10
well no i i i know joe that that was ridiculous that's why i was confused she
29:15
It's me though, so anything could happen.
29:19
Right.
29:20
Well, I think that wraps up the invention of the week.
29:26
It's time for our next segment.
29:30
Pet Psychic.
29:34
Now a look inside the minds of our very furry friends.
29:41
Francis, do you want to explain how this works?
29:44
Sure.
29:45
Thank you.
29:49
Pet Psychic is super interesting.
29:51
It is a segment where obsessed and distraught pet owners seek clarity and knowing from the esteemed and powerful Madame la Miao, a pet psychic who can read pets' minds.
30:12
Okay.
30:12
Yeah.
30:12
um well without further ado here is that's like
30:19
hi hi i i'm i'm i never thought i'd do anything like this do you have appointment
30:28
oh i'm sorry i i said on the door it said walk-ins welcome so i just welcome but not guaranteed
30:34
let me check my calendar oh thank you so much madam i'm available sit down oh thank you so much
30:41
thank you
30:41
this is the weirdest thing
30:45
my lizard
30:47
Travis
30:48
is just
30:50
Travis my lizard
30:52
he's just
30:55
he's just not
30:57
not been himself lately
30:59
he says to change a cologne
31:01
immediately
31:02
he uses the word reek
31:04
what Travis
31:06
distracting reek
31:07
Travis is creative type
31:09
and he cannot be creative around your stanch.
31:13
Travis, Travis, hey, put those big eyes on me, buddy.
31:18
Put those big eyes on me.
31:19
Is this true about my cologne?
31:21
You don't like it?
31:22
You don't like the way I smell?
31:24
Is that why you've been...
31:25
Silly question.
31:26
Why are you asking him?
31:28
Well, because I thought I could...
31:32
I always thought Travis and I had like a real connection.
31:36
You may ask three questions.
31:39
Okay, so I bought Travis a lady lizard because I thought he wanted companionship.
31:55
And then the next day, the lady lizard was dead in the cage.
32:04
Can you ask Travis what happened?
32:07
He says he's not nothing about it.
32:10
Travis says, no, he was not home at time of murder.
32:16
Travis says he was distraught and laid with body for several hours in various positions afterward.
32:24
Oh, Travis.
32:25
He asks you bring body back.
32:27
He is, quote, not done.
32:31
Okay.
32:31
Okay. I'm sorry, Travis, the lady lizard's been buried in the backyard.
32:39
I don't know if I can bring...
32:41
He says not the deal breaker.
32:45
Okay. My third question is,
32:49
who pierced your tongue, Travis?
32:56
I didn't get you that tongue piercing. Where did that come from?
33:02
Travis is saying he hid it during adoption.
33:09
A secret tongue piercing.
33:11
He was worried you would judge him and not take him home.
33:16
I think that's actually probably accurate.
33:18
I judged him once I saw it.
33:19
I thought I didn't realize what a crazy lizard I had.
33:22
I probably wouldn't have adopted him.
33:26
See, some secrets are good.
33:29
Well, thank you so much.
33:30
thank you so much madam you get three more questions wait i get to keep going with my
33:37
travis questions yes or can i ask you about a different pet yes more money oh yeah of course
33:48
money's money's no object no object good thank you thank you um i i also have um i also have a
33:59
a cat.
34:01
Different accent.
34:03
Tell me about your cat.
34:05
Whoa, madam.
34:07
Whoa.
34:08
That was impressive. You switched real quick.
34:11
Yes, it just comes to me.
34:13
My cat...
34:14
My cat's name is Uta.
34:20
And she's just...
34:22
She's been going out a lot at night.
34:25
Yeah.
34:26
And I don't know.
34:27
I mean, she always comes back within a day or two.
34:31
Yeah, yeah.
34:32
But I want to know what she's doing.
34:33
You know what she's up to?
34:34
Yeah.
34:35
Hand her to me.
34:36
You're a little thing.
34:38
Oh, yes.
34:39
Uta, talk to me.
34:41
Where are you going?
34:43
And why?
34:46
Uta says you have an ex-husband named Mark.
34:51
Yeah.
34:52
She's very fond of Mark.
34:54
What?
34:54
Mark leaves the door open.
34:57
Uta goes to Mark.
34:58
Magical, wonderful evening.
35:00
Uta!
35:03
Uta!
35:04
She's telling you, so you shouldn't be mad.
35:06
No, I am mad.
35:08
You were my comfort after Mark left.
35:11
I can't believe you're choosing Mark.
35:14
She says you switched her food.
35:16
Yeah, I'm sorry.
35:18
She was getting a little hippie.
35:19
Uta, you were getting hippie.
35:20
I had to give you better food.
35:24
Okay?
35:25
it's for your own good
35:28
she says she's gonna keep going to mark
35:30
she says mark has a new girl
35:33
a blonde
35:34
what no
35:35
yeah her name's susan
35:36
wait susan
35:39
ask ask you if it's susan from the bank
35:42
yes it is
35:44
here take her
35:49
i don't even want her anymore
35:51
she'll bring you comfort in your time of need
35:52
i don't even want her anymore
35:54
Go back to Mark, Uta
35:57
She says she will
35:58
Give me comfort or go back to Mark
36:01
Go back to Mark
36:02
Get out of here
36:04
You betrayed me
36:06
Oh, I'm sorry
36:08
Listen, it's my job to be honest
36:09
Oh, you did nothing wrong
36:11
Thank you so much
36:12
Uta, this is Uta's fault
36:14
She's gone now
36:15
Do you have any other pets?
36:18
Yeah
36:18
I have this ant farm
36:22
can you ask them what they think they're building
36:29
in the ant farm where do they think they're tunneling to hold on let me find him oh madam
36:39
they think they're building an ant farm but though i thought it'd be more interesting than
36:50
that well they don't they're very small they don't know i know that's why i'm wondering they're
36:55
building all these tunnels it's like do they think they're getting somewhere but they realize it's
36:59
just futile and for my pleasure no for all they know they're in a hole in how do they think they're
37:09
in a hole where do they think they are you want me to ask that yeah that's what i want to know hold
37:13
on getting some mixed signals one of them thinks they're in tucson one of them thinks they're in
37:21
oh my god iowa and another one thinks oh that's so sad what i can't say it no just tell me i gotta
37:29
no no no tell me okay well one of them one of them thinks they're in the corpse of a long dead queen
37:41
oh no oh what a disappointment thought he's living in royalty yeah bummer
37:49
oh that is a bummer yeah
37:53
can i ask you about my goldfish yes
37:59
i'm you're so impressive madam i just want to say that right now it just comes to me
38:05
Mm-hmm.
38:06
Money, please.
38:07
Oh, of course, of course.
38:10
Ooh.
38:14
My goldfish?
38:17
Sebastian?
38:19
Yearns for the toilet.
38:20
No!
38:22
That's not even what I was going to ask.
38:24
But no, he...
38:25
He's screaming it.
38:26
No, he wants...
38:27
He wants out of here?
38:28
He's so unhappy.
38:30
He spins in a bowl.
38:31
And he goes nowhere.
38:33
Then he goes the other direction.
38:34
And he goes nowhere.
38:35
You're gone all day
38:37
Oh no
38:39
That's, oh, I was gonna ask
38:41
Just
38:42
Does he ever
38:44
Has he ever seen me naked?
38:48
But that's so much worse
38:50
He says, why do you think I yearn for the bull?
38:55
No, Sebastian
38:57
Oh no
38:58
Oh no, that's the worst
39:01
Oh, that's the worst news
39:04
If you could go back in time, he would be unselected at the carnival.
39:08
He saw you coming and he just knew.
39:11
He knew that I'd look terrible naked and that that would make him long for the toilet.
39:17
He tried to drown himself by jumping out of water, but you caught him.
39:21
I thought he was just so excited to see me.
39:25
Like when a dog gets really excited to see its owner.
39:28
Nope.
39:29
Oh.
39:30
Tough break, kid.
39:32
Oh my God.
39:34
I got a lot of pets.
39:36
I know.
39:36
Well, I have...
39:37
I don't know if you can...
39:39
I have one more.
39:40
I don't know if you have this...
39:41
If you can cross this.
39:43
I'm getting so tired.
39:45
I know.
39:45
I'm so sorry.
39:46
If you...
39:46
This might even be out of your purview.
39:48
I'm not sure.
39:49
I don't know.
39:50
Let's do it.
39:50
Okay.
39:51
Maybe a little money first.
39:52
It's actually my child.
39:54
Maybe some money first.
39:54
Oh, yeah.
39:59
It's my child, Doug.
40:00
Tell me about Doug.
40:02
Well, he won't stop crying.
40:07
He's 23.
40:09
Is that the question?
40:10
He won't stop crying.
40:12
Doug, can you just find out what the hell's wrong with Doug?
40:17
Are you going to pick me up like you did with the other ones?
40:20
Doug, be nice.
40:21
Are you willing?
40:23
Fine.
40:27
Don't struggle.
40:29
That feels really good on my calves, actually.
40:32
You don't need to stretch, Doug.
40:37
I have the answer.
40:41
So tell me, what's wrong with Doug?
40:43
Why won't he stop crying?
40:46
Doug has a sub-lachrymal tumor.
40:49
It's gone undiagnosed because you refused to pay the copay for the annual doctor's appointments.
40:55
That is why he cries.
40:57
Oh, well, I guess it's good to know.
41:00
I'm not going to pay that co-pay
41:03
You spend all your money on
41:05
Psychics
41:06
I respect that
41:08
Hey, at least now I know that I've got to change my perfume
41:11
For Jeremy
41:12
Or for Travis, rather
41:14
Sorry, wrong
41:16
Wrong pet
41:18
I'm going to be the first person ever to die of a sub-lacrimal tumor
41:21
Yeah
41:23
Well
41:25
Hey, Doug, you always wanted to be famous for something
41:27
No
41:28
now I'm crying from laughter at that joke you just made
41:34
mom
41:34
you guys
41:37
oh
41:40
oh Madame LaMeow
41:41
well that was very
41:43
successful
41:44
I think that wraps up
41:47
Pet Psychic
41:49
this has been
41:51
another successful edition of
41:54
Madame LaMeow
41:55
Pet Psychic
41:58
Sorry, that was just the stress of all the pets' difficulties melting away.
42:08
One time I forgot I had a goldfish and I went on vacation and came back and I was dead.
42:13
Yeah.
42:14
Well, it happens.
42:16
Sometimes we forget we own things.
42:20
Yeah.
42:21
Woof.
42:22
What a scent.
42:23
Hmm.
42:25
Well.
42:27
Thanks for letting me get that out Yeah sure No problem That why it time now though for one final segment the big question
42:38
the question is very big oh no are you okay francis
42:45
yeah i'm okay it's just i just realized in our last segment i'm pissed off that this is my question
42:52
ago. Oh no. Are we have, we have overlapping kind of a tiny, tiny bit. Okay. Well, this
42:58
has all been like a very themed episode. I feel like it's, we've had a lot of like therapy
43:02
themes throughout all of this. Okay. So if it's, if it feels samey, well it's, it's all
43:08
right. Okay. We're packaging this up. Okay. I want to challenge you to invent a new accent.
43:18
okay and talk to me in it
43:26
okay the thing is whenever i do accents
43:37
i lose them after a few lines so i don't know if that's going to happen if i make up one
43:43
well i guess we'll find out baby you're gonna lose your baby i might lose my baby i might i
43:50
i just said we forget we have things sometimes you said we forget we own things yeah well
43:57
you kind of own a baby you think you own a baby yeah big question alert
44:03
all right
44:05
all right here we're all right i'm gonna try
44:10
hey frances how's it going not bad man where you been i've been here and there just bowling mostly
44:23
bowling bowling oh i don't know people still did that oh i bowl all the time
44:31
i bowl every day
44:34
every day is bowling day for me well do you think you could take a day off bowling because a couple
44:42
of friends and i rented a pontoon oh i already bowled today so i can pontoon and still bowl
44:47
oh that's that's fantastic do we need to pick you up no no i i i come equipped i come equipped with
44:57
my own
44:58
little
45:01
Vespa.
45:03
Oh, okay. You can actually ride that right on the
45:05
boat. I'm a little
45:07
worried about your social skills, though. Last time you screamed
45:09
in three people's faces. Do you think
45:11
you could keep it chill?
45:13
Hey, who's chill but me?
45:15
I am chill.
45:17
What are you talking about?
45:19
Look, who's cooler than me? Look at my sideburns.
45:22
So cool.
45:23
So cool. Yep. Yeah, I was immediately
45:25
drawing to you. They're three feet long.
45:27
I didn't know you could do that
45:29
Physically amazing
45:30
They're still attached to my face
45:32
I don't know how you do it
45:34
It's amazing
45:35
Well cool
45:37
Listen afterwards
45:38
I hate to ask this but
45:40
Could you stay the night?
45:44
Oh yeah of course man
45:45
I don't want to have a home anyway
45:47
Oh
45:48
Not in a sad way
45:51
In a fun way
45:53
In a fun way
45:55
I live moment to moment.
45:59
You don't have a house and you go bowling?
46:01
Yeah.
46:04
And I have a Vespa.
46:05
I'm fun.
46:07
It's kind of like an RV if you never get off.
46:11
Exactly.
46:12
Well, would you share the bed with me?
46:15
Because I get a little lonely.
46:18
Brother, of course.
46:21
What am I about body warmth?
46:23
and a body to keep you not lonely.
46:30
Yeah, and I like to tell jokes late into the night and laugh.
46:33
Are you willing?
46:34
Are you kidding who loves to laugh more than me?
46:36
Listen to me laugh.
46:37
I have a great laugh.
46:45
Will you wrap your sideburns around me as we sleep for safety?
46:50
Of course.
46:51
I love to keep you so warm
46:54
So warm
46:56
So not lonely and just laughing
46:58
All night
46:59
Oh this
47:01
I'm so pleased
47:02
In the morning I'd like to cook you breakfast
47:07
Oh
47:08
Bangers and mash
47:10
Sure
47:12
I'll get the recipe
47:13
Um
47:15
And then I can feed you by hand
47:18
I love it
47:19
your fingers do not wash your hands
47:23
I like them dirty
47:25
when they are feeding me
47:27
it's another fun thing about me
47:33
I think it strengthens the immune system
47:35
frankly
47:36
so do I
47:37
that's why I'm never sick
47:38
how deep can I go
47:40
wrist deep
47:43
wow
47:44
I have trained my jaw
47:48
to unhinge like a snake.
47:53
God, you're so interesting.
47:54
I knew the first day I saw you at work
47:56
that we were going to be such good friends.
47:59
Oh, best of friends.
48:00
Work friends.
48:02
Life friends.
48:04
And I thought it was so interesting that you rode your
48:06
Vespa into the office building.
48:08
Nothing funnier than a car inside.
48:11
Am I right?
48:12
You're right. And no helmet.
48:13
Oh, why?
48:15
Helmet is bad
48:17
for feeling risky.
48:23
So, I've never been kissed.
48:28
Pucker up, bro.
48:30
Really? You mean it?
48:31
I mean it.
48:31
What else is bros for
48:33
besides keeping bros warm
48:36
and not lonely and kissing?
48:39
How deep can I go?
48:40
Wrist.
48:42
Wrist deep,
48:43
which is a.k.a.
48:46
back of tongue.
48:47
Okay.
48:47
wow what a man worth it right you see what the hype was all about you don't need a home
48:58
look at you exactly you could charge for this oh you'll get it for free
49:04
can i ask you a question when you drive on your vespa um why do you hold your sideburns down i
49:14
I think it would look so good if they blew in the breeze.
49:17
Oh, I don't want to be showing off my sideburns.
49:20
You gotta.
49:22
Oh, they can whip in the wind?
49:26
You're all right.
49:27
If you think that would not make me giant, show off.
49:31
I think that's how you get discovered.
49:34
Hop on the back with me.
49:35
Oh, my God.
49:37
Ride around in Vespa.
49:38
I'm on.
49:39
No helmet.
49:40
Oh, no helmet.
49:41
Just like you.
49:41
Yeah, you feel alive, right?
49:43
Yes, I do.
49:44
Oh.
49:45
Let's go.
49:46
Let's go.
49:47
Let's go drive in that bank.
49:50
Yeah, and let your sideburns off.
49:52
Oh, here we come.
49:54
Through a revolving door.
49:55
Oh, my God.
49:56
Oh, my God.
49:57
It's harder in the revolving door.
49:59
That's okay.
49:59
We're making an entrance.
50:00
Oh, we missed it.
50:01
Go around again.
50:03
Yes.
50:04
We're in.
50:05
Yes.
50:07
Bang.
50:07
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
50:09
No.
50:11
Security guard shot me.
50:12
No.
50:13
Come here. Come close.
50:15
No. Oh, what? Don't die on me.
50:18
I might die, but I lived.
50:21
Thank God you're alive.
50:24
Oh, my God. Just kidding.
50:26
No. No, no. I was saying before I got shot, I lived.
50:32
Oh, no.
50:33
Oh, no.
50:40
My new kissing best friend.
50:43
well i guess we figured out i can maintain that accent whatever the hell that was um
50:50
was impressive i don't i was it like any kind of real i would say like vaguely slavic okay
50:58
you know hopefully they're not offended i tried to make it a jovial character slavs if you're
51:03
listening we know you are yeah um uh all right well that wraps up the big question the big question
51:12
I know only one thing left
51:16
Francis
51:16
he said my name sexy
51:19
Francis
51:20
if Francis was your secret word
51:23
you just scored some big points
51:25
oh my god
51:26
wait and see motherfucker
51:28
was it motherfucker
51:29
alright well I have some guesses for you
51:34
okay
51:34
I'm not confident about them
51:37
yeah me neither so don't worry
51:39
okay
51:40
was your secret word launch no adoption no it wasn't
51:53
yearns no that was true psychicry
51:59
pontoon i knew you're gonna say one too it's not bunter oh okay thank god because i actually
52:06
said it, so I was worried that it was.
52:09
Don't you hate that.
52:10
Those are all my guesses.
52:12
Alright, my word was
52:13
middleman.
52:17
Oh!
52:18
Which worked out. That was a nice...
52:20
The murderer. Oh, did I say it?
52:21
No, no, no. You're safe.
52:23
You didn't say any of my words. No, Francis said
52:25
this will cut out the middleman, and then you said
52:27
so the murderer. Yeah, okay.
52:30
Yeah. Alright. It was nice.
52:31
It was fine. My decoy word
52:33
was commercialism.
52:34
good memory wait when did you say that uh that was towards the end of invention of the week
52:44
yeah yeah i said it kind of to joe with a little like finger gun action which is funny that you
52:51
said your decoy word in like a hushed aside to me rather than very audible jenna's smart she
52:58
She would pick up on things any other week.
53:01
Not this week, but all right.
53:04
Well, okay.
53:07
My turn.
53:08
How do I stretch out these two guesses?
53:12
Here's my first one.
53:13
Okay.
53:15
Vespa.
53:16
Nope.
53:17
Okay.
53:18
I thought you might guess that though.
53:20
Goldfish.
53:21
Nope.
53:22
my next guess which i've been thinking about but did not write down okay was during
53:30
pet psychic and it was sebastian no it wasn't sebastian no no was it ant farm no
53:41
oh that's interesting um you're just gonna name all the things that i said in pet psychic
53:47
no because before pet psychic
53:50
we did invention of the week
53:52
yeah
53:53
and I have no other guesses
53:56
I'm done I'm just done
53:57
I'm done I'm sorry I wish I was
54:00
oh
54:02
you're gonna hate this
54:03
no don't tell me
54:05
don't tell me
54:07
is it
54:09
don't
54:12
no just do it
54:14
wait no
54:15
You said it three times.
54:18
Do you know what it is?
54:19
Are you serious?
54:20
Did he say it three?
54:21
I clocked two.
54:23
You said it at least.
54:23
No, you said it three times.
54:26
Do you know what it is?
54:28
No.
54:30
It's sideburns.
54:32
Sideburns.
54:38
Oh, I'm sorry, Francis.
54:43
I'm sorry.
54:45
I'm so sick of being alive.
54:49
Listeners, please pray for Francis's health
54:52
that we get an episode next week.
54:54
Oh, well, good for you.
54:56
He's like that goldfish in the bowl,
54:58
just ready for the toilet.
55:02
I'm sorry.
55:03
I wanted you to get a win.
55:05
I did.
55:07
I'm dizzy.
55:08
I'm sorry.
55:09
That's okay.
55:10
My decoy word, by the way, was infighting.
55:13
I said it would stop a lot of prison infighting
55:17
yeah okay
55:17
I didn't actually hear you say it but I assumed
55:20
that that's where you slipped it in
55:22
yeah yeah yeah
55:23
so I'm sorry Francis
55:25
oh I
55:27
oh
55:28
was it sideburns
55:30
oh wow
55:31
20 points for Francis
55:35
okay you know what I was winning for a long time
55:37
you were I know
55:39
listeners if you go to veryfinefriends.com
55:41
you can see
55:43
the points total and for the first time in 30 episodes i am winning now yeah it's called the
55:52
wheel of fortune yeah oh i i have a feeling though that francis i mean you you were consistently
56:01
better than me so this is like a weird fluke that i've i've gone on a little bit of a winning streak
56:05
like you as a winner thank you well uh i like our listeners as winners too and if you made it to this
56:13
point in the episode then you're a real winner yeah and you're hot yeah you're a sizzler
56:17
francis is anything you want to say to us both to let out some rage and close out the episode
56:24
fuck you fuck you both all right thank you but not you listeners bye
56:43
you