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Sober Talk SA - James · Sober Talk SA

• 0:01
  Hi, James is my name. I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:06
  I grew up around heavy drinking and older siblings and father
• 0:10
  that all drank. I like how drank heavily and I
• 0:16
  guess guess I was about 13 years old when I thought I'd when I
• 0:24
  had my first drink. Yeah.
• 0:27
  Was it a family function? We had the keg as we normally
• 0:30
  always did. And yeah, I gave it a try.
• 0:37
  Right from that first time I drank.
• 0:39
  I just the effect on it, on me from drinking it.
• 0:44
  Yeah, I thought, well, this is this is something and you know,
• 0:49
  I drank a lot that night. That's probably the last one
• 0:52
  standing. I spent the next three days in
• 0:56
  bed sick as a dog. But I never forget that feeling.
• 1:01
  And he's very keen to chase it again.
• 1:07
  And I did for the next 20 odd years, chase that effect.
• 1:13
  It seemed to be just part of, you know, part of growing up
• 1:19
  where I was, that you grew up and you drank.
• 1:22
  And yeah, as I say, I loved, loved the way it made me feel.
• 1:28
  Blue light discos. Sneaking bottles out of the
• 1:32
  fridge and stashing them and then getting a couple of mates
• 1:34
  together and going camping with our little stash and getting on
• 1:38
  it and getting older and getting cheeky cheekier, still underage,
• 1:43
  but going into the pubs anyway. Blue light discos drinking in
• 1:50
  the Sai yards near the nearby and then going to the blue light
• 1:53
  discos it it become yeah, what we did and again, it's just
• 2:06
  chasing that effect. Love that effect.
• 2:08
  Love it. Why?
• 2:08
  It made me feel lost, my shyness and and helped me meet socially,
• 2:18
  interact with people. And then yeah, it became of age
• 2:25
  where I could legally drink in pubs and my bloody loved it.
• 2:29
  You know, I lived for the pubs, the Friday and Saturday nights
• 2:31
  in the pubs and at that stage it was mainly just weekend
• 2:37
  drinking, you know, but it was always for the effect and always
• 2:43
  not just a couple of drinks, you know, I couldn't, couldn't see
• 2:47
  the sense in just having a couple.
• 2:51
  They brought in the A5 laws and I really just didn't like that
• 2:55
  because I like driving and I like drinking and, and at times
• 2:58
  I combined it too. They brought in low alcohol beer
• 3:06
  and I couldn't understand that. I thought they should have been
• 3:08
  making it stronger, not weaker. So I never worried with the mid
• 3:14
  strengths or low alcohols contents, always went for the
• 3:18
  for the heavies. And yeah, but it was so central
• 3:25
  to anything and everything I did, you know, going to the
• 3:28
  footy down to all BBQ, anything and everything always had to
• 3:31
  have grog involved. And yeah, look, as I say, I
• 3:38
  didn't see an issue with it because that's, that's what I
• 3:43
  how I was brought up. It was that was part of life as
• 3:47
  a family. We used to look at people that
• 3:49
  didn't drink much and think there was something wrong with
• 3:51
  them. And, and geez, those that didn't
• 3:54
  drink at all, there was definitely something wrong with
• 3:55
  them. And I guess over time, yeah, I
• 4:00
  sort out people that drink like I did.
• 4:04
  And yeah, I drink before going to the pub because it was too
• 4:09
  expensive to to get as much as I wanted at the pub prices.
• 4:16
  I went, I went through the usual, you know, a lot of
• 4:22
  relationships that didn't work and jobs that didn't last very
• 4:26
  long and moving around a bit, very unsettled and and just
• 4:33
  getting into bloody trouble. It was probably lucky I didn't
• 4:38
  do my license more than I did with A5 charges any other than
• 4:44
  ended up with the one. But jeez, you know if I had been
• 4:47
  caught a lot of times I would have been walking for a lot.
• 4:52
  But as it was, I was struggling to keep the car on the road
• 4:54
  anyway, you know an old car and struggling to keep the keep the
• 5:00
  maintenance up to it because me money went into the breaking.
• 5:05
  That was the most important thing for me.
• 5:07
  I didn't realize it at the time, but it was looking back, I can
• 5:10
  see that it was. And yeah, this went on for,
• 5:16
  yeah, 20 odd years and it was my only weekends.
• 5:21
  I discovered dope along that time and used to do a fair bit
• 5:26
  of that too. And I suppose that sort of in a
• 5:30
  way that sort of slowed my drinking down because I could
• 5:34
  have a bit of a smoke and and still feel an effect.
• 5:41
  And back then, yeah, you could you could drive without being
• 5:44
  detected and yeah, you go to work all sorts of things.
• 5:51
  But again, that was just chasing the effect chase and I didn't
• 5:55
  realize, but it was I need to dull to my reality and is
• 6:00
  without it. I just yeah wasn't at ease.
• 6:09
  And yeah, for, for the most part of that 20 years of drinking,
• 6:12
  I'd, I was pretty irresponsible, but I had nobody to be
• 6:15
  responsible to except myself. And yeah, just live the party
• 6:24
  lifestyle, living for the next party, for the next drink, for
• 6:27
  the next night in the pub. Work was there to pay for that
• 6:31
  and that was it. And never had much ambitional
• 6:36
  plan in life apart from the next, Yeah, the next party.
• 6:41
  Towards the end of that 20 years, I found myself becoming a
• 6:44
  parent. And that sort of shook me up a
• 6:47
  bit in the sense it was not planned and I could see it was
• 6:51
  going to be a threat to my lifestyle.
• 6:55
  But I come to a level of acceptance at all, right, I'm
• 6:59
  going to be a parent. I better knuckle down and, yeah,
• 7:03
  get a job and do the family thing.
• 7:06
  And I think by that stage I'd started brewing my own beer and
• 7:12
  growing my own dope. And I actually thought that was
• 7:15
  going to be the answer to the problems because it would save
• 7:20
  me a hell of a lot of money. And always had beer in the
• 7:23
  fridge that way. And, and always had a bit of
• 7:26
  smoke. And yeah, but I couldn't keep
• 7:31
  the family together and I couldn't couldn't hang on to a
• 7:33
  job. And after two years of trying
• 7:38
  and separating from the mother of my children a few times over
• 7:42
  that time and moving around, and it was just, it left me very
• 7:49
  confused because, you know, fatigue for for those couple of
• 7:53
  years, I'm actually making an effort to lead a better life.
• 7:58
  And at the end of that two years, I had nothing to show for
• 8:01
  my efforts except life was worse.
• 8:04
  That left me very confused because I thought oh should be
• 8:07
  some improvement, but no, it was bloody worse.
• 8:12
  And mother of my children and I separated one more time.
• 8:18
  And that left me fairly devastated because she moved
• 8:22
  away and took the kids. I'd have another son by then,
• 8:25
  moved the kids and moved away from me and I moved again just
• 8:29
  to be near the kids and landed another job, a decent job.
• 8:37
  And by then I'm starting to think, you know, I really got to
• 8:39
  do something about it. That actually went for some
• 8:43
  counselling and done one of those.
• 8:46
  I think they're thirty question questionnaires.
• 8:51
  And at the end of it they said, you know, if you answer yes to
• 8:56
  four or more questions, you've got a problem.
• 8:59
  Mine said yes to about 28 of them.
• 9:03
  So sort of we're starting to be confronted with it all.
• 9:08
  And, and they, they told me you're never going to get your
• 9:11
  life sorted out while you continue to drink.
• 9:17
  And I said, OK, I'll stop. And I said, well, you'll find it
• 9:22
  nigh on impossible to stop drinking without help.
• 9:26
  And I said, no, no, look, I'm pretty determined I've got good
• 9:29
  reason to stop. I'll stop.
• 9:32
  And I left there with a big determination to stop drinking.
• 9:36
  And I think I lasted a month and I drank again.
• 9:44
  And then, you know, I drank again.
• 9:46
  Then I thought, no, no, I got to get off it.
• 9:47
  And thus started a cycle of trying to stay off the grog
• 9:54
  without help. And really, you know, just kept
• 9:59
  going back to it. I think it's it'd become a bit
• 10:02
  of a two week sorry I'd have it any more in my mind that I'm,
• 10:07
  I'm stopping, I'm I'm off the grog.
• 10:09
  I'm stopping forever. And two weeks later I drink
• 10:12
  again and I'm wake up and I right.
• 10:15
  Oh, no, that's it. I got to stop.
• 10:17
  I really got to stop and I'm going to do it this time.
• 10:20
  And yeah, it just went on and on.
• 10:23
  You know, I kept going back, couldn't stay stopped.
• 10:27
  I kept going back to it. Yeah.
• 10:31
  And as I say, in the time I've moved, I've landed another job
• 10:34
  and I I sort of had the feeling if I don't do something, you
• 10:38
  know, this job's not going to last.
• 10:40
  And it was a decent job, a good a good job.
• 10:44
  And, and I'm trying to sort of be the be a, be a parent of some
• 10:50
  sort with some access to my, to my children, young children.
• 10:55
  And yeah, just getting very desperate.
• 10:58
  And also, I guess realising by then TI think I might really do
• 11:03
  have a problem with it because, yeah, I kept going back to it.
• 11:06
  I couldn't leave it alone. I with the firm resolve not to
• 11:09
  drink and I'd end up drinking again.
• 11:12
  As I say, that cycle went on for some time and, and I was
• 11:17
  fortunate when I'd moved again, I started seeing another
• 11:19
  counsellor on a weekly sort of basis and he kept suggesting a A
• 11:24
  to me. And I don't know, I suppose I
• 11:28
  had a lot of fear, but I'm trying.
• 11:31
  I'm trying to do it on my own and not getting anywhere.
• 11:34
  And I guess I just had to get very desperate and realizing I
• 11:39
  really do need to reach out here.
• 11:43
  So I let myself be convinced to go to an AI meeting, not knowing
• 11:51
  what to expect, but just, yeah, getting very desperate.
• 11:57
  I guess my state at that point was I had a lot of emotional
• 12:02
  pain and a lot of confusion. And when I walked into the rooms
• 12:07
  there and, and yeah, I didn't know what to expect, but I just
• 12:11
  found people there that were well presented, well dressed,
• 12:15
  well presented, well spoken. And then I heard their stories
• 12:21
  and I, I, I could relate to their stories, you know, where
• 12:25
  they've been, what they've done. It sort of helped me realise,
• 12:29
  you know, yeah, I wasn't so unique after all.
• 12:33
  Other people had done what I'd been doing.
• 12:37
  But it became very obvious these people were onto something
• 12:43
  because they weren't drinking and they weren't drinking.
• 12:46
  They were staying stopped and they were staying stopper for a
• 12:49
  decent length of time. You know, as I say, a month was
• 12:52
  my best effort. And then it was about a two week
• 12:54
  turn around. I met people there and they were
• 12:56
  offered. They were offered for, you know,
• 12:58
  years and years. And they seemed to be doing it a
• 13:02
  lot. Yeah, doing it easy.
• 13:04
  And they were happy about it. There was, there was laughter
• 13:07
  and happiness in the rooms. You know, I, I didn't know.
• 13:10
  I thought, what's life's going to be like without the grog?
• 13:13
  I dreaded beyond the thought of it that these people were sort
• 13:19
  of, yeah, they were happy and they had, they had what I didn't
• 13:23
  have. And I, I found myself really
• 13:25
  wanting what they had. Yeah.
• 13:31
  The gift of desperation didn't feel like a gift at the time,
• 13:34
  but I was very desperate. I I really wanted what they had.
• 13:42
  And that that counsellor, I didn't know.
• 13:44
  He'd not revealed to me, but he was a member and I seen him meet
• 13:49
  him at again at the meetings and he welcomed me along.
• 13:51
  They all welcomed me along. And I guess from the from the
• 13:54
  first few meetings, it was hard to take nuts in because yeah, I
• 13:57
  just had a lot of pain and confusion.
• 14:00
  But I kept saying keep coming back, keep coming back every
• 14:04
  time keep coming back. And I'd find my urge to drink
• 14:10
  would would dissipate if I went to a meeting.
• 14:14
  You know, the thought was there a lot, but yeah, I'd go to a
• 14:18
  meeting and I'd leave the meeting and the urge to have a
• 14:22
  drink would have would have left me.
• 14:25
  And by this stage, I'm really getting really desperate to stay
• 14:29
  off the grog. And I guess for some time I was,
• 14:32
  I was what? Yeah, I've got had white
• 14:35
  knuckle, white knuckle sobriety in the sense I was just sheer
• 14:41
  willpower and determination not to have a drink because I kiss
• 14:46
  being an alcoholic, most natural thing in the world for me to do
• 14:49
  is to have a drink. I didn't know that at the time,
• 14:53
  but that's how where where my mind was at.
• 14:57
  So I just had to ground bear it and not not pick up a drink.
• 15:01
  And and it was a it was a bloody hard time.
• 15:08
  I was lucky I was, I still had that job and that kept me
• 15:10
  occupied during the day and, and of an evening, either get to a
• 15:16
  meeting or visit a older sober member, another coffee with them
• 15:22
  or or do some reading IA literature or out of the big
• 15:26
  book. A lot of the Grapevine magazines
• 15:30
  and the local magazines, you know, they used to tell me,
• 15:35
  well, that's like a meeting in print.
• 15:36
  So I read a lot of them and they, they, it all helped me get
• 15:40
  through. I, I guess I really have to
• 15:42
  immerse myself in, in AI literature, audio stuff, listen
• 15:49
  to it in the car when I'm driving anywhere, getting to
• 15:53
  whatever meetings I can because I, I just had that real desire.
• 15:59
  I wondered what the other people had and I dragged the chain on
• 16:05
  getting a sponsor. And I really wouldn't recommend
• 16:07
  that because it was painful and it just prolonged that emotion
• 16:12
  of pain I was in. And there was one lady she'd
• 16:17
  just, she'd tell me every week, look, get yourself a sponsor.
• 16:21
  Never go at the program. I think it must have been
• 16:23
  annoying or something, but she kept saying that every week.
• 16:26
  I'd say her at the meeting. And I eventually did that and,
• 16:32
  and worked at it. You know, we, we used to have a
• 16:34
  big book study at, in that area at the time I went to that.
• 16:37
  That was very handy, hearing older sober members
• 16:41
  interpretations as passages out of the big book.
• 16:46
  Yeah, getting a sponsor and sitting down with him on a
• 16:50
  regular basis and tapping into his wisdom and knowledge.
• 16:57
  And I suppose I've learnt, you know, he to pick a sponsor picks
• 17:06
  under his sobriety that you like because you'll get what they've
• 17:08
  got if you work at it. And I found a sponsor.
• 17:11
  I liked his quality of sobriety. And he was, yeah, he's very
• 17:18
  wise. And I spent a lot of time with
• 17:20
  him. But I had to, I, I needed a lot
• 17:23
  of a lot of it. I guess as, as it says in the
• 17:27
  big book, half measures of all it's nothing.
• 17:29
  And I had to get the income about it.
• 17:31
  I had to really throw myself into it to get through.
• 17:37
  And I worked at it. I'm bloody work hard.
• 17:41
  I guess over the time I've seen the, yeah, things change.
• 17:48
  I, I know I really wanted change.
• 17:52
  I realised, you know, I was physically sober, but I needed
• 17:56
  that emotional sobriety. I wanted that change.
• 17:59
  And you know, I just working hard at it for a long time and
• 18:04
  it was a, a work counsellor that commented to me one day.
• 18:08
  I'd sit down and have a chat with her every fortnight or so,
• 18:11
  this industrial chaplain. And she said to me, she sat down
• 18:15
  with me one day and she looked at and she said, you've changed.
• 18:18
  Ah, I love to hear it, you know, because I'd, that something I'd
• 18:21
  been working for, I wanted that change.
• 18:25
  And you had to hear it for the first time.
• 18:27
  I couldn't see it and it was such a gradual thing, but she
• 18:30
  saw it and she commented and that very, was very much music
• 18:35
  to my ears, you know. And yeah, I, I have changed it
• 18:40
  and it's changed my, my perception of reality.
• 18:45
  As I say, I, I drank because my perception of reality I
• 18:48
  discovered was a bit skewed. And I know when I went to my
• 18:55
  sponsor, I had that many, every area of my life there was
• 18:58
  trouble going on, family courts and legal and just everything,
• 19:05
  you know. And I went to him and I said,
• 19:07
  look, we need to do something about this, this, this and this.
• 19:11
  He said, no, we're not doing anything about any of that.
• 19:13
  We'll work on you in me. And I thought, what the hell,
• 19:18
  How's that going to help? But it was the best advice
• 19:21
  because, yeah, we worked on me through the program and
• 19:26
  everything else sorted itself out.
• 19:28
  You know, when I've learned, you know, you, it's that old thing.
• 19:34
  You, you're not going to you fix the problem with the same type
• 19:38
  of thinking that created the problem.
• 19:40
  Or as as my sponsor used to say, you know, you want to change
• 19:43
  your world, you need to change the way you think.
• 19:46
  And that's been so true. It's there's no point changing
• 19:50
  my circumstances if I don't do something about my thinking
• 19:53
  because my thinking I'll just change it back.
• 19:55
  I change my thinking and natural flow on from that is my
• 20:01
  circumstances changing and staying changed.
• 20:06
  I've I've lost any desire and A to drink.
• 20:10
  I and I don't have to fight to stay sober now I don't have to
• 20:15
  white knuckle it. You know, I'm, I'm very
• 20:17
  comfortable being a non drinker, very grateful to be a non
• 20:20
  drinker knowing that, you know, I never, I never drank in a
• 20:24
  healthy manner and I never will was always drank alcoholically.
• 20:30
  And now I'm not in ignorance of that.
• 20:32
  I'm aware of it and to know that alcohol has an effect on me that
• 20:36
  a normal temperant drinker is, doesn't have that effect as I
• 20:43
  guess some people don't drink and I'm lucky enough to realise
• 20:46
  I'm one of them. Some people shouldn't drink and
• 20:48
  I'm one and I realise I'm, I'm one of them.
• 20:52
  So I, I just felt damn lucky to get to meetings in the 1st place
• 20:56
  and to actually stay, you know, to keep coming back over time.
• 21:01
  I've seen a lot of people come and go.
• 21:02
  And yeah, I'm pretty sure those that haven't stuck around,
• 21:06
  things haven't got better. But those that haven't stuck
• 21:10
  around, I've seen them, seen their lives get better, lives
• 21:13
  improve. And, you know, it's been the
• 21:16
  best thing that's ever happened. I wouldn't be alive today had I
• 21:19
  not got to AA and stayed in AA. And it's a, it's just a
• 21:26
  beautiful thing to be part of. You know, I've got friends all
• 21:29
  over the place. I'm able to travel and I've got
• 21:33
  friends everywhere, you know, and go to a meeting anywhere and
• 21:36
  you got ready night friends, you know, and we all talk the same
• 21:40
  language. We've all got the same similar
• 21:41
  experiences. And that's it's just a wonderful
• 21:45
  thing to be a part of. So yeah, it's, it's ruined my
• 21:54
  drinking career, but my drinking career needed ruining.
• 21:57
  And and that's given me a better life, you know, a real life, a
• 22:01
  genuine real life and a, a decent self worth, you know, I
• 22:07
  come in with an overblown ego and low self esteem and I've
• 22:12
  been able to get a bit of balance in my life and my sense
• 22:14
  of self. I'm not better than, I'm not
• 22:17
  worse than, but I'm OK. I mean, I am enough.
• 22:20
  And that's, that's only due to this program.
• 22:24
  Yeah, it's, it's saved my life and give me a life.
• 22:29
  It's worth living. And for that, I'm extremely
• 22:34
  well. Yeah.
• 22:34
  Gratitude is a small word for the feeling, but that's what it
• 22:37
  is. And yeah, it's all it's all due
• 22:41
  to this, this program and this fellowship.
• 22:45
  So thank you for thank you for your time today, Listening,
• 22:47
  hearing me out and best wishes. Thank you.
• 22:52
  Bye.