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Sex After Divorce: The Liberating Power of Pleasure & Play · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartmann, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Worrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about sex after divorce and I'm going to focus on it being playful, pleasure-focused, and liberating.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now I read somewhere recently that when sex is good, it's 5% of the marriage.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But when it's bad, it's 95% of the marriage.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And marriage, long-term relationship, we're going to use those interchangeably today, right?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So when sex is good, it's a non-issue.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: But when it's not good, it's a massive issue.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And although sex is not a primary driver of separation and divorce, it is one of the things, right?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: It is one of the things that can influence or impact not influence, impact our decisions.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's also one of the casualties of disconnect in a relationship, right?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Unhappiness or disconnect.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: One of the casualties becomes our intimacy, our sex life.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: So after separation or divorce, you get to reframe a whole lot of things, right?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: A whole lot of things in life and sex can be one of them.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Post-divorce sex can be incredibly liberating.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: A little bit terrifying, yes, but once you embrace it as part of your rediscovery of self, it can be amazing.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, divorce hurts, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you are the one or were the one to choose to end the relationship to leave, it's painful.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that pain can hit us in unexpected ways, including confidence, including sexual confidence.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you perhaps weren't the one to make the decision to leave the relationship, the hit to your self-esteem and self-confidence can be much, much greater, particularly if there's been an infidelity or affair involved, particularly if your ex moves on quickly after the separation or divorce.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And for many of you, for many of my clients, for many of you listeners, I know that natural reaction to that hurt or that hit to self-confidence is to, you know, to hibernate, to hide out for a while.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And probably, you know, that's a smart thing to do.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good stage to move through in terms of your healing.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And for others, including clients I work with, they're straight out there, straight onto the dating apps, and if not looking for their next big love, at least looking for some company.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And let's face it, looking for sex, looking for intimacy, looking for companionship, looking for sex.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in our 30s, 40s, 50s, we are supposedly, most of us, much wiser than we were perhaps in our 20s.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us are more comfortable with who we are, and for many of you, many of my clients, that's really one reason why they're separated, why they're divorced.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they know themselves well, they're older, they're wiser, and they're done with the bullshit, right?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're done with keeping quiet, they're done with pleasing everyone else, they're done with making sure that everyone else is okay before they are.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're done with minimizing parts of ourselves, and we're definitely done with our deepest desires and our own pleasure being last on the list.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we tend in our 30s, 40s, 50s to know what we want, even if it wasn't met in our marriage or in our relationship.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're less afraid to ask for it.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a gift I think that separation, divorce can give you that you find your voice and you ask for what you want.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we know ourselves, we know what doesn't feel right, and if you're not fully there yet, you're perhaps learning to lean into who you are, to listen to your intuition, to trust your gut, and then to voice that, to ask for what you want.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you perhaps don't feel, or if if you feel like you don't know yourself really well or really deeply, now is the perfect opportunity to do that work, to go inward, to reconnect with yourself, to unlearn all that bullshit conditioning, to release yourself from the old stories.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And some of that, some of it will be around sex and physical intimacy.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, stories, conditioning, it's it runs deep, and still in 2024, there's a lot of stories about particularly about female pleasure and female enjoyment of sex without a relationship or sex without strings.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a real opportunity to lean into and explore what it means for you to get to know yourself on all levels, including sexually, on a really deep, in a really deep way.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do you know what you like?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what turns you on and what turns you off?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Can you confidently ask for what you want or confidently guide a partner on how to please you?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can you openly say no and ask a partner to do things differently?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can you confidently and consensually take control and allow your partner to surrender?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And can you flip that around?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Can you actually surrender to a partner and allow yourself to receive all the pleasure?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now is your chance to claim all of that for yourself.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sex after divorce is a real opportunity to reframe.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I would really invite you to block out all the noise you hear about all the rules you should follow when it comes to dating and sleeping with someone, what you should or shouldn't do, and write your own version of the rules.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself full permission to do what you want, exactly what you want here, without judgment, without shame.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't have to listen to that friend or that podcaster or that him, he may say you don't have to listen to that podcaster.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't actually happen to listen to what I say.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You don't if it's not aligned with your values.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but you definitely don't have to listen to anyone telling you what you should and shouldn't do.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, who says you should wait until the third date or at least a month before you sleep with one with someone?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if it feels right to you and it's safe, physically, emotionally, sexually safe to sleep with someone on a first date, who's to tell you it's not okay?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission also to be sexually different than you were before.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might be coming out of a real, really long-term relationship or marriage where you were very young when you went in, probably didn't really know yourself, potentially didn't know yourself and didn't really know who you were sexually.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So give yourself full permission to be sexually different than you were in your marriage, in your relationship previously.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission to reframe your sexual values.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, marriage, long-term partnership influenced us in so many ways, especially if it's been a marriage or a relationship that started when we were quite young, when you were quite young.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And one of those influences is sexually.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then comes a divorce, right?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: That changes us too.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: It can dramatically change your personal views and your values, what's important, what's less so.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships change us, divorce changes us, and it's pretty normal for those changes to flow on over into your sexual identity, into your sexual values.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: You get to reframe your sexual values.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: If divorce gives you an opportunity to really review and revise your values, all your values, including sexual values.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And as you start to play in this area, as you explore and your confidence builds, so too will your courage.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you'll fine-tune your concept and vision of sex and redefine how you want your sex life to look and of course how you want it to feel.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So give yourself full permission to redefine and rewrite your sexual values and to be sexually different than you were in previous in a in your previous relationship.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, ask yourself some questions.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about casual sex?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about one-night stands?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about no strings attached sex?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: What about ethical non-monog I can't even say it?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Ethical non-monogamy.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, what about different sexual identities and orientations?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something or some things that you always wanted to try but your partner wasn't interested in or wasn't into?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is your chance to explore all of those different types of sexual experiences and a whole lot of different partners.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like any part of working with me, my clients know that it's all all of the work we do is steeped in knowing your values, what's important to you, what's non-negotiable or a deal or a deal breaker, and sexual values is no different.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sex is no different.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Being really clear on your sexual values will help you safely in all the ways, emotionally, physically, sexually, safely.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Explore new partnerships, however they look, short-term, casual, or longer term, and explore them in a really mindful, empowered way.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sex after divorce is also a real chance to tap back into your sense of play.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: In a long-term relationship, we can really lose our sense of fun and playfulness in all sorts of areas of our life, but particularly when it comes to sex.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, post-divorce sex can be about a reclamation, an opportunity to rediscover or find the delicious joy in sex again, without all of the pressure that comes with sex in a dying or struggling relationship.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And definitely it can be an opportunity to celebrate your body and your body's right to pleasure.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, to be honest, sex should in inverted commas, right?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Should be about playfulness and pleasure always, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And for many of us who've been in challenging relationships, disconnected or unhappy relationships, that gets buried or lost.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you've been in a disconnected relationship for years where there was little or no sexual intimacy.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've been so busy trying to save the relationship that sex just became a chore.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever your story is, post-divorce sex gets to be whatever you want it to be.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be super helpful to take all the pressure off yourself by simply tapping into your sense of fun and play.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let sex be about nothing else but pleasure, fun, and play.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can also see it as part of your healing.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's an adventure, an adventure of healing, fun, play, happiness, pleasure.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's one where you can give yourself full permission to be a little bit self-absorbed or a little bit selfish to really make it all about you and your pleasure.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not to say I'm advocating for you ignoring the pleasure of the person that you're that you're with, right?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: The person that you're partnering with in sex, but really centering yourself in this phase.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Centering you and your pleasure.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're not having fun, if it's not pleasurable, what's the point?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So really allowing space for you.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there gets to be space for you here, your pleasure, your sexual desires, without the seriousness of, you know, having sex to create a child or keeping a partner happy or the pressure of date-night sex.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: You just get to have sex without all the strings.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it to be self-focused, allow it to be playful and pleasurable.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: It can be so liberating when you allow yourself to view sex this way.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Strip away all the rules and rewrite your own.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because that sort of liberation breeds confidence and a sense of empowerment.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And when you can do that, you'll never settle for mediocre again.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: So make the sex about you, center you, your desires, your fun, your pleasure.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, find out what makes you hot.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Find out what feels good to you, what you want, without the pressure of somebody else's ideas and desires overlaying that.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there's another person or people in the room with you, but center yourself.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Centre your own pleasure.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we spend so long trying to keep our partner happy.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: We spend so much time, effort, and energy.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now is your opportunity to center yourself and make it a lot, if not all, about your own pleasure.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Also, do the inner work.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: You knew I was gonna say that.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always gonna say it.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do the inner work to allow yourself to step into this phase.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Strip out all the stories you've been told or that you tell yourself about sex, what it means, what it doesn't mean.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite those stories.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Undo and decondition yourself because there's a whole lot going on, right?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: We are bombarded with stories of how we should look, what we should feel, and all the shoulds, right?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Get rid of them, but get really curious about what you tell yourself about sex so that you can strip the stories out, you can rewrite them, you can get underneath them and decondition yourself, you can claim what you want and release what you don't, and of course, get to know you, get to know yourself intimately in all ways, and this is a bit sort of chicken and egg, I feel.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we get to know ourselves sexually when we explore with a sexual partner, and also knowing ourselves really well, really deeply without a sexual partner helps us be able to hold space for ourselves when we're in that sexual dynamic, right?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, whether you're newly single, whether your divorce is well done and passed, be intentional intentional about rebuilding your sexual self-esteem.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it starts with self-love.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: So get to know yourself really well and love on yourself really well.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I am absolutely talking physical self-loving as well as the inner work of self-love and self-compassion.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Love yourself first.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sex just to fill the void, sex to feel loved may not necessarily bring you the pleasure or connection you're seeking.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: So do the inner work.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Also, sex for sex's sake is perfectly fine.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just say it, right?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sex for sex's sake is perfectly fine because that is a story that we are fed and told, particularly as women, that there has to be connection, we need connection to have great sex, and I call bullshit on that.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Know who you are, love yourself fully and deeply for sure, and also know what your body likes.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Know how to give yourself love and pleasure so you can also receive sexual pleasure.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: You get to reconnect with your body and your desires.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said earlier, post-divorce sex breeds confidence.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: No strings attached, all fun, no responsibility, sex can open us up to being more confident, being able to speak up, being able to redefine who we are sick sexually, to you know, say yes, to say no, say faster, say slower, whatever it is.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sex post-divorce can absolutely breed confidence.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And also the flip side of it is if you're not solid in yourself, if you are feeling a bit wobbly, it can have the opposite effect, okay?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can undermine your self-confidence, undermine your self-esteem.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure you're ready for it.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you're ready to get back out there.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, that's why I say do the work.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: But again, it is chicken and egg, right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence breeds confidence, and having fun and playful sexual adventures after divorce can breed confidence.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just test and test and measure, test and measure.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not making you feel good, maybe you're not quite ready.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you can give yourself permission to reset or even newly discover your sexual boundaries, right?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I touched on it earlier.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there was things that your partner wasn't interested in or willing to participate in that you want to explore.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is a real chance to reset or discover sexual boundaries for yourself.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: You absolutely get to claim what you want and desire, and you can release yourself from or disregard what doesn't align anymore, right?
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: What's not for you anymore.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can give yourself permission to make choices, explore partners and have sexual experiences without even being attached to the outcome.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Without being attached to the outcome.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let that land, let that settle.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: How does that feel when I say that?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can give yourself permission to make choices, explore partners and have sexual experiences without being attached to the outcome.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose partners and experiences that truly and deeply satisfy you rather than just settling for what was familiar, what was known.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is a real chance to explore, reset boundaries, discover boundaries, and go deep and wide in finding out who you are sexually post-divorce.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Post-divorce sex is about freedom, and sexual freedom, of course, brings sensual pleasure and hopefully amazing orgasms and all the rest, and also it breeds confidence and it breeds courage.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And seriously, nothing is sexier than that.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And to finish, let's talk safety.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we've touched on readiness, we've touched on feeling like you're emotionally ready and you're gonna have the resilience and the self-esteem to manage sex after separation, divorce.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: But also, what about safety?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: What would I need to make me feel safe in a sexual encounter, a sexual experience?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to feel safe sexually?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can go back and listen to my chat with Carrie Sackville or read her book about on dating after divorce.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can't remember what it's called.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just Google it, you'll find it.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And when I'm talking safety in a sexual space, I'm talking about safety in all its forms, emotionally safe.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: You'll need to know how to create emotional safety for yourself when you're exploring with new people, when you're exploring with new sexual partners.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to be certain that you're physically safe, you know, make sure someone knows where you are, who you're with, and have an outclause.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you also need to be clear on your sexual safety because an STD post-divorce is not what you're looking for.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: So create safety for yourself so that you can feel free to confidently explore all the joys of sex after divorce.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace the play, embrace the adventure of sex after divorce, enjoy it, be safe, love yourself first.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Here's to great sex after divorce, playful, pleasure focused, and liberating.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Apologies for my croaky post-COVID voice.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call if you are ready to explore working with me as your coach, guiding you through relationship challenge, separation, divorce, and liberating yourself afterwards.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this or any of the episodes, please share it with them.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you would rate, review the podcast, it means we get it in the ears of a whole lot more people who need to listen to it.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.