Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 35 | On the Advice of My Counsel

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35 | On the Advice of My Counsel · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Eric, do you have a good relationship with your neighbors?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_06: Aaron Ross Powell I like to think that I do.
• 0:04
  Matt: Aaron Ross Powell Did you have a good relationship with your neighbors when you lived in apartment homes?
• 0:11
  Matt: Because you live in a townhouse.
• 0:15
  Matt: Yeah, townhomes even.
• 0:16
  Matt: Wow.
• 0:16
  Eric: Aaron Ross Powell No, but I how about yourself?
• 0:18
  Matt: Did you like what so I've I've only lived since since college on, I've only lived in uh, you know, apartments.
• 0:26
  Matt: And I feel like apartment life very much is uh unlike in a neighborhood, you know, a home, a house, I should say, or a uh, you know, a townhouse community, a complex situation.
• 0:42
  Eric: Come on, townhouse commune.
• 0:44
  Matt: A conhouse commune.
• 0:45
  Matt: I feel like the apart in apartment complexes, you never really nobody makes an effort.
• 0:53
  Matt: Like if anything, you you you want to pretend like you can't hear everything that happens.
• 0:59
  Matt: Yeah.
• 0:59
  Matt: In other apartments, you know.
• 1:01
  Matt: It's the pact.
• 1:02
  Matt: Right.
• 1:03
  Matt: I mean, no I feel like the world of the noise complaint is born in the the apartment complex more so than a uh a suburban street.
• 1:14
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 1:15
  Matt: I mean, abs you know, on on the whole, on the reg.
• 1:18
  Matt: But you don't get these rivalries necessarily with like neighbors in an apartment complex or what have you that you might get in a on a street.
• 1:26
  Matt: Aaron Ross Powell No, yeah, I agree with that.
• 1:29
  Matt: But but I do think it's a little funky, right?
• 1:31
  Matt: Like we don't live there in this apartment anymore, but in our old apartment, we lived next door.
• 1:36
  Matt: We we had a top floor with one neighbor.
• 1:39
  Matt: It was great.
• 1:40
  Matt: And that next door neighbor was an old retiree named John, who'd lived quite the life.
• 1:47
  Matt: But he he he would tell us about it at intervals.
• 1:50
  Matt: And I say at intervals because if you got caught with him, Oh, you'd get caught?
• 1:54
  Matt: You would get caught.
• 1:55
  Matt: Lindsay once got caught with him in the parking lot.
• 1:59
  Matt: He she said hi to him, and he launched into a monologue about how he used to be a volunteer fighterman, fireman for like a fighterman.
• 2:07
  Matt: A fighterman, a volunteer fighterman.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I would I would fight the fires, you see.
• 2:13
  Matt: And I would talk to John from time to time, but I had a more I hate to use this word, but I think it's appropriate intimate uh relationship with my neighbor John.
• 2:25
  Matt: Yes, yes.
• 2:26
  Matt: I'll I'll let your all your minds wander for just a minute before I c whatever you think I'm gonna say will give you a complete curveball.
• 2:35
  Matt: So I told you, Eric, we lived on the top floor.
• 2:38
  Matt: We only had one neighbor.
• 2:39
  Matt: He was an old man, he was very quiet.
• 2:42
  Matt: Okay.
• 2:43
  Matt: In terms of noise uh cross-pollination, we only had to worry about it on the one side, you know, the one wall.
• 2:50
  Matt: No other wall faced anybody else.
• 2:53
  Matt: So he never made any noise.
• 2:54
  Matt: We could never hear him, except because we're in apartment complexes and and and the layouts are mirrored.
• 3:01
  Matt: The bathrooms were were right next to each other.
• 3:05
  Eric: Okay.
• 3:05
  Matt: You know, though they share the plumbing everything.
• 3:07
  Matt: Straight up and down.
• 3:08
  Matt: You know how apartments do.
• 3:10
  Eric: Yes.
• 3:10
  Matt: And this is fine because the you know, with the pipes and everything, sound travels the best, so you can hear, like even in this complex that we live now, for the most part, the soundproofing's pretty good.
• 3:21
  Matt: But in the bathrooms, you can kind of hear upstairs and downstairs a little bit better.
• 3:25
  Matt: Right?
• 3:26
  Matt: Yeah.
• 3:26
  Matt: So we could hear, you know, his talk radio or whatever he's got going in the bathroom.
• 3:31
  Matt: That's fine.
• 3:32
  Matt: But what was a little disturbing is when you when I picture it, Eric, I'm on the toilet.
• 3:38
  Matt: Right?
• 3:39
  Matt: Okay.
• 3:40
  Matt: And all of a sudden I hear the c I hear the talk radio begin.
• 3:44
  Matt: So I know John has entered his bathroom.
• 3:47
  Matt: But then Eric, I felt a shift of balance in my toilet when I can only assume, like a seesaw, John sat upon his toilet.
• 4:06
  Matt: Oh no! And this would happen anytime the two of us were on these things.
• 4:15
  Matt: If I was there, we were there, and he got up, I would feel a shift underneath my butt.
• 4:20
  Eric: Oh, that's too much.
• 4:21
  Eric: Like it's so weird describing how unwhat like why that objectively makes it.
• 4:27
  Matt: I have no idea what I'm no plumber.
• 4:30
  Matt: That might come as a shock to you, but like I don't know what the physical machinations of this setup could possibly be.
• 4:38
  Matt: I right truly be like a a scale system.
• 4:42
  Eric: Oh, right.
• 4:44
  Matt: Between our two poop bowls.
• 4:46
  Eric: Nope, hate it.
• 4:47
  Eric: Hate it.
• 4:48
  Eric: Hate it.
• 4:48
  Matt: And you know, I I am not necessarily a light person, so so for him to move me, I can only assume if this ever happened with Lindsay, she'd be launched.
• 5:00
  Eric: Did you ever and I I know this is I'm mad, I know this is like a tender subject.
• 5:07
  Eric: Did you ever like just just out of morbid curiosity, just give it like a little bounce?
• 5:13
  Eric: Just see what happened.
• 5:14
  Matt: Yeah, Eric.
• 5:16
  Matt: I don't know what kind of person you think I am.
• 5:20
  Matt: But absolutely.
• 5:21
  Matt: Yeah, my man.
• 5:23
  Matt: My man, audio.
• 5:25
  Matt: Gotta let him know.
• 5:25
  Matt: Gotta let him know the kids are here.
• 5:27
  Matt: You nasty.
• 5:28
  Matt: This is my house now, John.
• 5:31
  Matt: You fighter men.
• 5:33
  Matt: I control the seesaw.
• 5:47
  Matt: Hello and welcome to You Didn't Ask for This, a podcast that answers life's least pressing questions.
• 5:55
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 5:56
  Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
• 5:57
  Matt: And joining us today is a very special guest, uh, alluded to in our last episode.
• 6:05
  Matt: Technically, technically back-to-back guest ships, Eric.
• 6:09
  Matt: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 6:10
  Eric: Technically, technically uh alluded to uh what's the other literary term for that?
• 6:15
  Eric: Uh foretold.
• 6:17
  Matt: Foretold.
• 6:18
  Eric: There's another one.
• 6:19
  Eric: There's like a good one.
• 6:21
  Eric: Oh, is it literally heard on the last episode, I'll I'll scream, I'll remember it and scream it in the middle of the episode.
• 6:30
  Matt: We have lawyer, cat lover, and perhaps most importantly, dating none other than you daft giant Sarah Feldman.
• 6:40
  Matt: Today we have Carissa Hatfield joining us.
• 6:43
  Matt: Hello, Carissa.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: It is an honor to finally be here.
• 6:49
  Matt: You have submitted many, many a question to us.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I have.
• 6:54
  Matt: It's true.
• 6:55
  Eric: Foreshadowed.
• 6:57
  Eric: That's the word.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Eric, I'm so proud of you in this moment.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just want to honor your journey and the steps it took to get here.
• 7:09
  Matt: I feel like we all got there together in a way.
• 7:13
  Matt: Um but yes, yes, Carissa, you have you've been such a loyal supporter of this little shindig that we do here.
• 7:21
  Matt: We we we are truly blessed to have you on the program today.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Why, thank you.
• 7:27
  Eric: We finally collected the other half of the daft power couple.
• 7:31
  Eric: That's true.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a Pokemon trading card right now.
• 7:36
  Matt: Yes.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta catch them all, right?
• 7:39
  Matt: Yeah, but like a like a rare holographic one.
• 7:42
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 7:43
  Matt: Oh wow.
• 7:43
  Matt: First edition, babe.
• 7:44
  Matt: First edition.
• 7:46
  Matt: Oof.
• 7:46
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 7:47
  Matt: Charizard all the way.
• 7:48
  Eric: Side note, Carissa.
• 7:49
  Eric: Do you want to know the scummiest thing I ever did in Pokemon?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to, actually.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So me too.
• 7:55
  Eric: This was back, this was back like first Pokemon games on the Game Boy.
• 7:59
  Eric: And if you remember, like when you held Pokemon in your like little Pokemon party, they only had like six different sprites to represent all Pokemon in your party.
• 8:08
  Eric: Like they're like they they didn't just six.
• 8:11
  Eric: Yeah.
• 8:11
  Eric: You just had six.
• 8:12
  Eric: No, I mean like the little the little avatar for the Pokemon in your party, they would have like each one didn't have a unique look inside.
• 8:21
  Matt: Yeah, they didn't have a they didn't have a sick profile picture for everybody now.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no.
• 8:26
  Eric: So what I did, uh huh, I was about ten years old.
• 8:32
  Eric: I I caught like just a shitty Pokemon and I nicknamed it Mew.
• 8:39
  Eric: So that way I let my friend casually look over my shoulder, air quotes, and see that it was like, oh, you got a fucking Mew.
• 8:46
  Eric: I was like, Oh yeah, bro, I got like 10 of them.
• 8:48
  Eric: You want to trade it?
• 8:49
  Eric: Like, and it was like, yeah.
• 8:51
  Eric: And it was just a Pidgey.
• 8:53
  Eric: He gave me a blast toys for that piece of shit, Pidgey.
• 8:56
  Eric: My dad, I don't know who is more embarrassed, me for this happening, or my dad for having to go down to take me down to this kid's house so that I could apologize and give this digital creature back to him.
• 9:11
  Matt: Oh my god, you you were forced to exchange hostages?
• 9:15
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 9:16
  Matt: Wow.
• 9:16
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 9:17
  Eric: My yeah, my uh my father does not suffer Pokemon embezzlement.
• 9:23
  Eric: Not Rick Poach.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I would say though, that would make probably you if you had taken an alternate path, that would have made you an excellent attorney.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: We we do that kind of power broking all the time.
• 9:34
  Matt: Oh my god, can you we can we take a second to imagine Erica Poach Esquire?
• 9:40
  Matt: It's at law.
• 9:41
  Matt: I I just I just get a real uh Jim Carrey end of liar liar.
• 9:47
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 9:47
  Matt: Thank you for that.
• 9:49
  Eric: There's a madman, Your Honor.
• 9:51
  Eric: A desperate fool at the end of his long and miserable rope.
• 9:55
  Eric: Oh man.
• 9:56
  Eric: Incredible celebrated.
• 9:58
  Matt: So, Carissa.
• 10:00
  Matt: Yes.
• 10:01
  Matt: As I as I know that you know, we answer life's least pressing questions, and I am curious as to what questions you have brought to our attention today.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have seven questions here on my list for you.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:17
  Matt: Well, we can't get to them all, but I you know I love a list.
• 10:20
  Eric: I just heard everybody listening to this episode go seven yikes.
• 10:26
  Matt: Yikes.
• 10:28
  Eric: Like, we're lucky if these if these goons can make it through two in an or on a normal day.
• 10:33
  Matt: That's true.
• 10:33
  Matt: Sometimes that third one's really um we gotta shovel it in there.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's a little dicey, the third one sometimes.
• 10:39
  Matt: So let's Sarah Feldman's style.
• 10:42
  Matt: She did this as well.
• 10:43
  Matt: I believe she had 11.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: She did.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: I am no Sarah, but I I tried.
• 10:47
  Eric: Of course.
• 10:47
  Eric: So wait, you brought seven and Sarah brought eleven.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:51
  Eric: Nice.
• 10:52
  Eric: I'll I'll let I'll let I'll let the listeners at home come to their own conclusions.
• 10:56
  Eric: Go on.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I try to climb the mountain, but I can't always make it to the top.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I do the best I can.
• 11:04
  Eric: Sometimes quality is a quantity all its own.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think you were trying to be profound right there, but I'm not sure what exactly what point you're trying to make.
• 11:15
  Matt: I think you reached like fortune cookie level of profound.
• 11:20
  Eric: I at least reached Instagram inspirational quote with with you know white woman doing yoga on the beach.
• 11:28
  Eric: Yes, absolutely you did.
• 11:30
  Matt: Absolutely you did.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: White woman Instagram, you know.
• 11:34
  Matt: Uh all right, Chris.
• 11:36
  Matt: So let's have this list.
• 11:37
  Matt: What do you got?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, if I hit myself and it hurts, am I weak or am I super strong?
• 11:45
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 11:45
  Matt: Very good.
• 11:46
  Matt: Okay.
• 11:46
  unknown: All right.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, how many times can someone interrupt you in a Zoom meeting before you're allowed to log off?
• 11:53
  Eric: All right.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, what other vehicles would be suited to be a time machine besides a DeLorean?
• 12:00
  Matt: On the day that DeLorean Motor Company announced the uh electric DeLorean.
• 12:06
  Matt: Interesting.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, number four, if you could build your dream Olympic bobsled team using only the staff of the Pawnee Parks Department, who would be on your team?
• 12:18
  Eric: Very good.
• 12:19
  Eric: Very good.
• 12:20
  Eric: That's very specific.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: What type of liquid are cats made of?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Did the Baja men ever discover who let the dogs out?
• 12:30
  Matt: Ah, okay.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then lastly, if you were on America's next top model, would you be best known for your killer photos or stomping on the runway?
• 12:39
  Matt: Ooh, okay.
• 12:41
  Matt: Little little bit of a personal at the end.
• 12:45
  Matt: Um well that those are all wonderful questions that the world needs to know about.
• 12:51
  Matt: Eric, is there any that speak to you?
• 12:52
  Matt: Or Carissa, is there any that speak to you?
• 12:54
  Eric: Yeah, what is there is there any eating your soul?
• 12:56
  Eric: I am digging America's top model.
• 12:58
  Eric: I am digging liquid cats, I am digging DeLorean.
• 13:03
  Matt: And it was car specific, is that right?
• 13:06
  Matt: Any car besides DeLorean?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, anyway.
• 13:09
  Matt: It's difficult for me to choose, but perhaps, perhaps we must.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps.
• 13:14
  Matt: Perhaps that's what makes this a all right.
• 13:16
  Matt: Let's do the car.
• 13:17
  Matt: We'll do cars.
• 13:19
  Matt: And uh we we can get another one, don't you think, Eric?
• 13:22
  Matt: Oh, absolutely.
• 13:23
  Matt: I think so.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 13:24
  Matt: What do you want, Eric?
• 13:26
  Matt: What what's your draft pick?
• 13:27
  Eric: I do like the hitting oneself question.
• 13:30
  Matt: I do too.
• 13:31
  Matt: Yeah.
• 13:31
  Eric: It is a good question.
• 13:32
  Eric: Yeah.
• 13:33
  Eric: Yeah.
• 13:33
  Matt: I do too.
• 13:34
  Matt: Let's go with the hitting oneself question.
• 13:36
  Eric: Okay.
• 13:37
  Matt: So, Eric, yeah.
• 13:39
  Matt: What should we what do you want to start with?
• 13:41
  Eric: Let's uh let's let's get the one that's a thinly veiled attempt to disprove God out of the way.
• 13:47
  Eric: Punching ourselves so hard.
• 13:49
  Matt: I that didn't believe it or not, that didn't clarify it for me.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it didn't for me either.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna be really honest.
• 13:59
  Eric: It's like the classic God microwave a burrito so hot that he couldn't eat it.
• 14:04
  Eric: The classic question.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Classic question I've never heard of.
• 14:08
  Eric: Man, I'm just dropping knowledge on y'all tonight.
• 14:11
  Eric: Pokemon embezzlement.
• 14:13
  Matt: So if one hits oneself and causes pain, yeah, are we super strong or are we super weak?
• 14:22
  Matt: Now the pain, the pain alone to me would say there's a weakness being exemplified, right?
• 14:33
  Eric: Well, I would say it depends.
• 14:36
  Eric: It depends on you know, as as the Buddhists say, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
• 14:45
  Eric: I think it depends on how you react to the pain.
• 14:48
  Eric: Because like clearly, like, you know, you could break a guy's arm and he's clearly in pain, but if he just stoically like sits there and like all you get is like a single tear, that's badass.
• 15:00
  Eric: But like if you punch him and he goes, probably not good, not a good look.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: So firstly, I'd like to comment that you saying it depends is the ultimate lawyer answer.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um you're applying to the right audience there, Eric.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was very appropriate.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, secondly, I think part of this conversation is do we accept vulnerability and weakness in our greatest heroes?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And is it a duality or do we have to choose one or the other?
• 15:40
  Matt: Uh well, I uh first of all, I think the true mark of a hero is the admittance of pain and suffering and these you know, no one likes to just look like fucking Superman.
• 15:55
  Matt: That's why he's a little turd.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god, Superman boo yes.
• 16:00
  Eric: Yeah, miss me with that, Krypton.
• 16:02
  Eric: Um man, you are so hip.
• 16:06
  Eric: Thanks.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, I can tell you're on the TikToks, Eric.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's no hip.
• 16:10
  Eric: So yeah, no, I but I agree with Carissa.
• 16:13
  Eric: There, you know, the vulnerability, you know, the ability to show we I think so at a certain point, I think where the strength comes from is even if so I I I come I'm kind of like backtracking my answer here.
• 16:26
  Eric: I'm gonna do nothing.
• 16:27
  Eric: Yeah, you barely got started.
• 16:28
  Eric: So it's a good thing that you're gonna backtrack.
• 16:30
  Eric: No, no, my previous answer were like, you know, I was like, oh, if if they're like, honestly, if they're like, eh, and then they but they keep trucking.
• 16:41
  Eric: They're like, hey, you know, I did punch myself very hard and I did cry, and it's but I'm still here.
• 16:48
  Eric: I think that's strong shit.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, saying that it isn't might ascribe one to ideals of toxic masculinity.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't I don't know that that anyone on this podcast wants to ascribe to those values, you know.
• 17:02
  Eric: No, I certainly don't, even though I literally did like a minute ago, but I but you don't want to.
• 17:10
  Eric: You don't want to.
• 17:12
  Eric: I don't wanna.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, Eric, the patriarchy's trying to keep us all down.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: I understand.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 17:20
  Matt: I I I'm getting like a little bit of like a uh uh uh infinity circle going on here because at the same time that I feel like the the the ability to be able to say and admit to oneself that they that you feel pain and you're not ashamed by it, is a strength in and of itself.
• 17:41
  Matt: But at the same time, if you are strong enough to injure yourself past your own muscular potential or muscular protection, you are acting you clearly are physically strong as well.
• 17:56
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, to get past your own threshold.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, what happens if are these answers?
• 18:02
  Matt: No, these are further questions.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Further questions.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if Thor punches himself in the arm, does it hurt?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I that is another question that this begets.
• 18:13
  Matt: Yes.
• 18:13
  Matt: What if a if a Dwayne the Rock Johnson hits himself in the broad thigh that he has?
• 18:21
  Matt: Punches his own thigh, just you know, wailing.
• 18:25
  Matt: Throwing a town.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, is this a sea shanty now that we're about to start singing with his broad thigh?
• 18:32
  Matt: Um, I think I I don't know, I think the pain in some regards speaks louder than the violence, does it not?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 18:44
  Eric: I think anyone willing to punch themselves until it hurt, like that takes something.
• 18:49
  Matt: Yeah, that takes a certain level of strength.
• 18:51
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 18:53
  Matt: I think between the fact that we th we say that recognizing the pain is a strength, yep, and the fact that to cause yourself pain requires a decent level of physical strength as well.
• 19:05
  Matt: A certain level, anyway, a threshold of strength.
• 19:08
  Matt: I think it's a strength.
• 19:10
  Matt: I think what it says is you are super strong.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think we've somehow very quickly wrapped up this question.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh if you agree, Eric, that it is that you are super strong, both emotionally and physically.
• 19:24
  Eric: I do, I do wish to agree with the caveat.
• 19:29
  Eric: Go, go ahead.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Just to open it back up.
• 19:31
  Eric: That this that this podcast does not advocate punching oneself.
• 19:38
  Eric: Oh, that we are an anti-self-punching podcast.
• 19:42
  Eric: We just we want to punch up.
• 19:44
  Eric: We don't want to punch self.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Always punch up, always punch up.
• 19:48
  Matt: Also down jokes.
• 19:50
  Matt: You only punch up.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Only punch up.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Also, the important thing to clarify, I guess, you know, having disclaimers is very important, you know, especially when you have a lawyer on the podcast.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you gotta make these legal disclaimers.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Two lawyers by the sound of it.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thank you.
• 20:06
  Eric: Yes, can you dab in court?
• 20:07
  Eric: Is that allowed?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go with I wish that is the answer, is I wish I could.
• 20:13
  Matt: Like you so why can't you?
• 20:15
  Matt: Is there some sort of rule?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is there like a uh a uh an anti-dabbing legislation that dabbius corpus?
• 20:24
  Matt: Yeah, some some sort of footloose-esque rule of the court, archaic some one judge dab.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, honestly, sometimes being in a courtroom does feel a bit like that footloose down.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not gonna lie to you.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: That is an honest take.
• 20:41
  Eric: Have have you ever had to deal with like a surly judge?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when haven't I had to deal with a surly judge?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Is usually the better question.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: So thing when you represent.
• 20:53
  Eric: I would like to be a surly judge.
• 20:54
  Eric: You would make a very good surly judge.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: You would, yeah, but I feel like you would still be like, but people deserve rights, which is Oh, heart of gold.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Heart of gold, just cranky, like a cranky man judge.
• 21:07
  Matt: I've never wanted to be a lawyer or go down into the the courtroom path, but I will say this.
• 21:14
  Matt: I have daydreamed about being a judge giving like a big giving handing down a sentence where they have that little speech to the perpetrator.
• 21:23
  Matt: You know, the jury has found you guilty, and now I get to fucking insult you a little bit.
• 21:28
  Matt: You know, I mean heart of bronze.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, you and Steve Harvey can fight over being a television judge and giving those.
• 21:42
  Eric: Is Steve Harvey being a television judge?
• 21:45
  Eric: He is.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: He's now Judge Steve Harvey.
• 21:47
  Eric: Where have you been?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: How long has that been a thing?
• 21:50
  Eric: Did he who who ordained him?
• 21:52
  Matt: Certainly months, at least.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I feel like I just saw the ads, but I'm also behind on television, so unclear.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but he ordained himself.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: He is Steve Harvey.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think he just ordains himself.
• 22:06
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:07
  Eric: Damn.
• 22:08
  Eric: God bless him.
• 22:09
  Eric: Steve Harvey.
• 22:09
  Eric: Good for you.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Bless his heart, as we'd say in the South.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Bless his heart.
• 22:15
  Matt: Let's transition now to your second question.
• 22:18
  Matt: Any car, is there any car that could be or should be a time machine other than the DeLorean, DMC12?
• 22:28
  Eric: Yes.
• 22:29
  Matt: That's a fascinating question.
• 22:31
  Matt: Eric, do you have any initial impressions?
• 22:34
  Eric: So let's get this out of the way.
• 22:35
  Eric: DeLorean is always the correct answer, but let's work from the framework that the DeLorean has just been outlawed from all science.
• 22:42
  Eric: Of course.
• 22:43
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 22:43
  Eric: They've all been impounded, melted, melted down, made into pinball parts.
• 22:51
  Matt: Triggered.
• 22:51
  Matt: I'm getting a little triggered.
• 22:52
  Matt: I just wanted to point that out.
• 22:53
  Matt: Um okay.
• 22:56
  Matt: Do you mean you don't, I assume you mean like any kind of any model of car, not necessarily like a famous car or something like that, like the like the uh mystery machine or something.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 23:09
  Matt: The crossover potential.
• 23:11
  Eric: Oh my god, think of it.
• 23:12
  Eric: Think of this.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm willing to expand this to franchised vehicles as well when we're discussing like a mystery machine.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or, I mean, at this point, isn't the van from Ant-Man like basically a time machine, also?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I terrible at Marvel?
• 23:28
  Matt: You know what?
• 23:29
  Matt: Van speaking of vans, I like that we are now on our third van that should be it.
• 23:34
  Matt: But the the what what van would be a badass time machine?
• 23:38
  Matt: The A-Team van.
• 23:40
  unknown: The A-Team van.
• 23:41
  Matt: Imagine that hurling at you with with with fire trails from the tires.
• 23:46
  Matt: Uh you had a time, sucker.
• 23:49
  Eric: Oh, oh, yeah, it would have been amazing.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am gonna say with the caveat that I don't think any van of that structure or frame outside of a franchised van should be a time machine.
• 24:01
  Eric: That's fair.
• 24:02
  Eric: That's fair.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's no other 15-passenger van, because it that just is gonna be suspicious if a man stops me in the street and says, like, get into my time machine van.
• 24:13
  Matt: Oh, no, as opposed to all the other cars, that won't be suspicious if a man pulls up to you in a Ferrari and says, Okay, my time machine.
• 24:21
  Matt: There's a time emergency.
• 24:23
  Matt: Please get in.
• 24:24
  Eric: Well, at that point, like, oh, you and your cocaine.
• 24:28
  Eric: Go back to trading stocks.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, as a woman, I'm not getting in anybody's vehicle, even if they say it's a time machine, but we're not thinking about that specific hypothetical.
• 24:40
  Eric: Yeah, I feel like that's good, good general policy.
• 24:43
  Eric: Um, no karate vans.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, no karate vans.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need to say, like, you know, you know, Kim's dojo or whatever.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 24:53
  Eric: Kim's karate?
• 24:55
  Eric: She really is.
• 24:56
  Eric: A Glen Barney Merlin?
• 24:57
  Eric: She is our number one fan.
• 24:58
  Eric: She knows she probably knows more about the show than I do at this point.
• 25:02
  Matt: Remember that time I said, why hasn't someone made us a wiki?
• 25:05
  Matt: This is the wiki.
• 25:06
  Matt: This is the wiki.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: I am the wiki.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I am the wiki.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I could make you a wiki at this point because it can't be either of you, but it could be me.
• 25:15
  Matt: You also can't hold all this knowledge up there.
• 25:17
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 25:17
  Matt: It's true.
• 25:18
  Matt: It's not helpful.
• 25:18
  Eric: It's true.
• 25:19
  Eric: It's not good.
• 25:20
  Eric: Uh if we're still on the subject of famous cars, yeah, sure.
• 25:25
  Eric: I feel like Kit from Night Rider would probably be a pretty big hit.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that would be great.
• 25:30
  Eric: Kit from Night Rider 100%.
• 25:32
  Eric: You're out of time, Mr.
• 25:34
  Eric: Matthews.
• 25:35
  Eric: Like it would so good.
• 25:36
  Eric: But it would have the voice would have to be as Mr.
• 25:40
  Eric: Feeney from Boy Meets World as the voice of Kit for Night Rider.
• 25:45
  Eric: Well, you why No, I know that this, I mean, he will be instead of the character Kit, he will be playing Mr.
• 25:52
  Eric: Feeney playing Kit.
• 25:53
  Matt: Okay, so Night Rider.
• 25:55
  Matt: Not just William Daniels as as he was in actual Knight Rider.
• 25:59
  Matt: Yeah.
• 25:59
  Matt: But as Mr.
• 26:00
  Matt: Mr.
• 26:01
  Matt: Feeney.
• 26:01
  Eric: Yes, William Daniels as Mr.
• 26:03
  Eric: Feeney.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: Also dispense wisdom about life, love, and family.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 26:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 26:11
  Eric: You know, slack him, Mr.
• 26:13
  Eric: McFly.
• 26:14
  Eric: Like it'll be so the banter between him and Marty would be fucking classic.
• 26:20
  Eric: Yes.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Marty, cheating does not mean that you have integrity.
• 26:26
  Eric: What?
• 26:28
  Eric: Put the almanac down, son.
• 26:29
  Matt: Back to the future would potentially be well, it'd certainly be made more interesting uh by uh the the moments of silence in the car being filled by the car being a literal speaking character.
• 26:43
  Eric: Voiced by William Daniels.
• 26:45
  Matt: Voiced by William Daniels.
• 26:46
  Eric: And obviously now here's the tax we would have to pay on that.
• 26:49
  Eric: Because he would be William Daniels, and because he would be William Daniels, Daniels Circa, Mr.
• 26:54
  Eric: Feeney, we would be like legally required to have a Sean episode.
• 27:01
  Eric: Sean from Boy, it would it would be a super bummer.
• 27:04
  Eric: It would bum everybody out.
• 27:06
  Matt: You know what it is?
• 27:06
  Matt: What?
• 27:07
  Matt: I'll tell you what it is.
• 27:08
  Matt: It's an it's the deleted scene, it's an added scene when Biff, when old Biff takes the DeLorean, and we don't actually see him in that flight.
• 27:19
  Matt: We just see him at the end in the beginning of it.
• 27:21
  Matt: It's that scene of him traveling and Mr.
• 27:23
  Matt: Feeney, you know, asking him what really he wants to accomplish.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:30
  Eric: Also retcon it so that old Biff, it like like 1985 Biff is Sean's dad.
• 27:37
  Eric: It all it like it this shit writes itself, gang.
• 27:41
  Eric: Full circle.
• 27:43
  Eric: Full circle.
• 27:44
  Eric: Tapangas left sleeping on a swing, on a swing on a porch.
• 27:48
  Eric: Yes.
• 27:48
  Eric: Yes, obviously.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: At this point, I'm just recasting back to the car.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's the crossover we didn't know we needed.
• 27:58
  Matt: I do think that is a fun uh crossover, the kit being in the uh being the back to the future car rather than just being a time machine car.
• 28:09
  Matt: But it perhaps we should just spend some time exploring what car, modern day car.
• 28:16
  Eric: Oh, sure, sure.
• 28:18
  Matt: What model would be an appropriate pick.
• 28:21
  Matt: So as we all know, when Marty asked Doc why he chose to make a time machine out of a DeLorean, he said Very good, very good.
• 28:32
  Matt: Beautiful.
• 28:33
  Matt: If you're gonna make a time machine out of a car, why not do it with some style?
• 28:37
  Eric: Yeah.
• 28:38
  Eric: Gotta be stylish.
• 28:38
  Matt: So we gotta be stylish.
• 28:40
  Matt: My forward focus isn't gonna cut it.
• 28:42
  Eric: Yeah, I was gonna say.
• 28:45
  Eric: No, does not adventure inspired me.
• 28:47
  Matt: Time adventures, no.
• 28:49
  Eric: I honestly I feel like we have a potential candidate on the horizon.
• 28:54
  Eric: The Tesla Cybertruck straight up looks like uh an N64 car.
• 29:00
  Eric: It looks it definitely looks like what someone's idea of badass would be.
• 29:05
  Eric: I mean, sort of Tesla anything.
• 29:07
  Matt: Yeah, right?
• 29:08
  Matt: Like they're already gotta get Musk involved.
• 29:12
  Matt: Yeah, he'll want to really like he'll want to make it official, not just a one-off time machine.
• 29:18
  Matt: He'll want it to be a whole line of cars.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm now looking up this Cybertruck because I can't like not do that now.
• 29:26
  Eric: Goofy, it is wild.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Jesus Christ.
• 29:30
  Eric: It looks like it's sponsored by like twisted metal N64.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, that's 100% a video game car.
• 29:38
  Eric: It's a video game, it looks like a poorly rendered N64 car.
• 29:43
  Eric: But it you know what it is?
• 29:45
  Matt: It is very DeLorean-esque.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's very DeLorean car.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is very DeLorean-esque.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I mean, I I would say, I would say we're we're done, but I can't support a corporate overlord like Elon Musk.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, I don't know what to do here.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: He would be.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And who's the like who is the Marty of our generation?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is there one that would even exist, really?
• 30:09
  Eric: Is it Andrew Garfield?
• 30:11
  Matt: He's in a lot of things these days, I feel Garfield.
• 30:14
  Matt: I mean, you know, if anything, I think it's another Spider-Man.
• 30:17
  Matt: I think we're looking at Tom Holland.
• 30:19
  Matt: I think so.
• 30:21
  Eric: All Spider-Mans look the same to me.
• 30:23
  Eric: That's hurtful.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, you know, they all in their prime were were just boyish looking white men.
• 30:31
  Matt: No, I will say Toby McGuire is not Marty McFly.
• 30:34
  Matt: I'll put my foot on the city.
• 30:35
  Matt: Toby McGuire is not Marty McFly.
• 30:37
  Eric: Also, compared to Tom Holland's Toby McGuire looks like he's 30 in the first Spider-Man.
• 30:45
  Eric: Yeah, like he looks like an old, old, old man.
• 30:50
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 30:51
  Matt: Yes, absolutely that's true.
• 30:53
  Matt: Um, also, I you know, especially from that era on from like two when whatever that came out, like 2002 on backwards, the the the actors playing teenagers just get more and more ridiculous.
• 31:07
  Matt: Like, when was the last time you took a hard look at the Power Rangers?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_04: Oh.
• 31:11
  Eric: They are like Tommy over here with five o'clock shadow.
• 31:15
  Eric: Billy's like 45.
• 31:17
  Eric: Got gross feet in math class.
• 31:21
  Eric: Let me hit you with this, though, since we're on the subject.
• 31:24
  Eric: If we're gonna Tom, Tom Hollins is the is the Marty of our generation.
• 31:30
  Eric: Can I hit you with a with a kind of with a kind of since we're on the topic of Spider-Man, a curveball new Doc Brown?
• 31:37
  Eric: Oh, I know.
• 31:38
  Eric: Can I hit you with Sir Willem Defoe as Doc Brown?
• 31:42
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 31:43
  Eric: Interesting.
• 31:44
  Eric: A Willem Dafoe Doc Brown.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_06: Willem Defoe as Doc Brown.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_06: I think it'd be wild.
• 31:51
  Matt: It'd be wild.
• 31:52
  Matt: Great.
• 31:52
  Matt: And he's one, you know, he's right up there with the eccentric nature to go along with Doc Brown.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 32:01
  Matt: I'd I'd a hundred percent sign on to see this film.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: I would watch it.
• 32:05
  Matt: Not that I would ever want or advocate for a reboot of Back Divusion.
• 32:10
  Matt: No, we're not advocating for the I would, on behalf of both all three of us.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh wait a minute.
• 32:16
  Matt: In my in my adolescence, I did daydream, though, of a potential continuation with Jules and Vern Brown being the protagonist.
• 32:27
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 32:29
  Matt: Yeah.
• 32:30
  Matt: But that'd be the only way I want it.
• 32:31
  Matt: A continuation.
• 32:32
  Matt: I don't want to see some.
• 32:34
  Matt: Uh I don't want to see some uh retconic.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's no reboot.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: No reboot, my friends.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 32:41
  Matt: So I don't know.
• 32:43
  Matt: Are we settling on the cyber truck?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like we've I I don't know because yes, but no.
• 32:48
  Eric: I feel like we can only ethically side with the Cybertruck if the mission of the movie isn't to stop from like accidentally, you know, banging moms or something, but yes, if the mission of the movie is to overthrow it like Elon Musk having enough money to go to space is is the the the Bift Tanin nightmare scenario.
• 33:09
  Matt: So yeah, if if I may point out, uh perhaps an important parallel, John DeLorean was also a douchebag.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, interesting, and drug trafficker.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well then it also interesting.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: I will say this is my caveat to saying yes to the cyber traffic.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, is that the plot of whatever we're doing here is that um Elon Musk has created this vehicle, but our modern Tom Holland Marty McFly is stealing it and using it for the purpose of going back in time and destroying capitalism.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, hell yeah.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_03: No, I'm all in, I'm all for it.
• 33:53
  Matt: All right, all for it.
• 33:55
  Matt: We uh hey, it's not every podcast that you destroy capitalism, but we've done it again.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, you know, and uh pro-union anti-capitalism, the very the very tenants of you deft.
• 34:08
  Eric: It's truly the pillars.
• 34:10
  Eric: Instead of getting caught with Grey's sports almanac, Tom Holland gets caught trying to smuggle Bitcoin.
• 34:20
  Matt: Oh my goodness.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 34:23
  Matt: All right.
• 34:24
  Matt: Well, I think I think I think we got there.
• 34:27
  Matt: I think that is uh it and honestly, it looks like a time machine because it looks like it was inspired by the DeLorean.
• 34:34
  Matt: Truly, it does.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Truly.
• 34:35
  Matt: Um, and of course, we'll put a picture of this uh this lovely vehicle up on the Instagram.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, your other lovely listeners need to see this, honestly.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: If they haven't already, they need to see the atrocity.
• 34:48
  Matt: This trapezoid.
• 34:50
  Matt: Yes.
• 34:51
  Matt: So uh Carissa, I mentioned that we have a question for you.
• 34:54
  Matt: Yes, I'm and we've been holding on to it for quite some time.
• 34:58
  Matt: I am uh not certain that um O'Connor315 on Instagram even remembers submitting this qu this question to us, but we've been saving it for a lawyer's eyes or ears at the very least.
• 35:14
  Matt: That question is Is the contract in The Little Mermaid legal?
• 35:21
  Matt: And they included the uh additional information of she was 16, therefore a minor.
• 35:27
  Matt: So do mermaids have different laws?
• 35:30
  Matt: Again from O'Connor 315 on Instagram.
• 35:32
  Matt: Does maritime law apply here?
• 35:35
  Matt: Now if you need it, maybe you haven't memorized.
• 35:40
  Matt: I have the text from the contract.
• 35:43
  Matt: You would.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I mean, first of all, O'Connor 315, what a legend.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: I love this question with everything in me because The Little Mermaid was my favorite movie when I was like five years old.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I I am a redhead.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: There was a spiritual connection.
• 36:00
  Eric: And you are a mythical creature.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, thank you.
• 36:03
  Eric: So there's a mythical connection.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, you know.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you do have the words of the contract, that would be lovely.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I have some initial thoughts, but I'd like to hear them while I'm continuing to formulate as absolutely, absolutely.
• 36:18
  Eric: And and that could will you will you drop into Ursula for me?
• 36:22
  Eric: I don't think I could.
• 36:23
  Matt: I you know, I don't think I have that range.
• 36:25
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 36:27
  Matt: So what she what what what we see in clearly is I hereby grant onto Ursula, the witch of the sea, sure, ellipses, one voice for all eternity signed.
• 36:44
  Matt: That's what we see.
• 36:45
  Matt: But in one shot, when it zooms past the whole thing, we see all the other words that are included.
• 36:53
  Matt: They are, however, nonsense.
• 36:56
  Matt: But just to give you a full reading, uh, and again, I can put this on the Instagram as well.
• 37:01
  Matt: The full contract as we see it in the film is perhaps this is some sort of mermaid language.
• 37:07
  Matt: I hereby grant on to Ursula, the witch of the sea, ellipses, one voice, in exchange for Bion once High, Dinu Asterisk, Gin Thon, Moisu Sir, Ponperquir, Iredir, Moissen, Petin Arum, Urin, Uripidi, Msurp, Monk, Gwaki, Cherikshnoy, Ryim Romund for all eternity signed.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_01: Do not cite the deep magic to me, which I was there when it was written.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, first of all, I am so grateful I had you read that because the entertainment value that provided to me will stay with me for many days.
• 37:49
  Matt: There's also a hidden Mickey in the contract as well.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
• 37:52
  Matt: Obviously, there is as there has to be by contractual obligation, I believe.
• 37:59
  Eric: I also love the demonic Mickey head they just threw in there.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, you know, gotta get the Mickey head in there somewhere.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, secondly, I would say, while that may seem like gibberish, have you actually ever read the entirety of your Apple contract?
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm sure that there is have not similar gibberish in there somewhere that you will never understand.
• 38:19
  Matt: They might just, yeah, for all I know, page 58 of that might just be this, this verbatim, this contract.
• 38:27
  Matt: So, what do you make out of that?
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, so I think this is obviously this is an interesting legal question to be brought forward.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: My initial thoughts in uh human uh law in the United States, anyway, Ariel would not be able to validly sign a contract, right?
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because she's 16, as she very happily declares that she's a grown-up and she's 16 years old, which as we all did.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: Was we all did, and when I was six years old, that made sense.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it's 16 year old a grown-up and you can do whatever you want.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: But here in the United States, a 16-year-old cannot sign a contract unless it's for necessities.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, like I can sign a contract for shelter, I could sign a contract for food, I could sign a contract for something along those lines.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't sign a contract to give my voice to the sea witch because it's not really a necessity to go for all eternity.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_00: For all eternity, my dad is being super uncool about oh my god, my dad is being so uncool right now, and I just about my hoarding habit.
• 39:33
  Matt: He would just listen.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I just need to be independent and also I need to go meet my my my sleep my sand boyfriend, you know.
• 39:42
  Eric: He's like sand boyfriend, his name is Eric.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, you think I don't know Eric?
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: That his name is Eric.
• 39:49
  Matt: You think I don't know that growing up with another Eric?
• 39:52
  Matt: Come on.
• 39:53
  Matt: Now listen.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do not cite the deep magic to me, Eric.
• 39:56
  Matt: Do not cite the deep magic to me, boy.
• 39:59
  Matt: Uh the if I were to put on my fantasy baseball manager hat for just a second.
• 40:04
  Matt: Go right ahead.
• 40:06
  Matt: This trade, if you look at the two sides here, feels a little unconscionable.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_04: Feels a little like feels a little like a little one-sided.
• 40:17
  Eric: Yeah, there are some parallels to my Mew trade here.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it truly like did not realize that was gonna come full circle.
• 40:25
  Matt: Was I Ursula?
• 40:27
  Matt: Fantasy baseball manager or or Pokemon Trainer hat, either or.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, either way.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, legs for a week voice versus a voice for an eternity.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: That feels a little imbalanced, you know.
• 40:40
  Matt: I don't think so.
• 40:41
  Matt: Yeah, I don't, I don't think so.
• 40:43
  Matt: And it's also it's all dependent on the actions of a of a third party.
• 40:47
  Matt: That's true, right?
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who is not a party to the contract itself, may we say.
• 40:52
  Matt: Yes, not a party to the contract.
• 40:54
  Matt: She is a lawyer.
• 40:55
  Matt: My god, my god.
• 40:58
  Matt: Uh the yes, but I mean, truly, he doesn't know he has this responsibility, and the contract is dependent on him kissing her so she doesn't end up like tied to the ocean floor or some shit.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, also, are we ever clear as a sidebar, despite my love of the Little Mermaid?
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: Are we clear on how old Eric is versus Ariel?
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: That that raises some questions for me now.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I'm sure I can find that in front of the ages of the parties that are involved in this contract in some point.
• 41:26
  Eric: I'm gonna guess and hope it's like 17 or 17.
• 41:31
  Eric: Yeah, please.
• 41:33
  Eric: You're gonna guess and hope.
• 41:34
  Eric: Yeah, you gotta fucking hope.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe just leave it there and we can hope.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know that I really wanna know.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: Super doesn't look 16.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: Super doesn't look 16.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: Super doesn't.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: Also, captain of a seashirt.
• 41:46
  Matt: I believe I have a raw reliable source here.
• 41:48
  Matt: According to the film's official novelization, Eric had just turned 18.
• 41:56
  Matt: So he was technically, legally.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, like, technically that would be but 1816, that's not too bad.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_00: Legally, that's a fine relationship, as long as all parties are consenting.
• 42:11
  Eric: They could both be in the same high school.
• 42:13
  Eric: I'm fine with it.
• 42:14
  Matt: As someone who was 18 dating a 16-year-old at one point in his life, I don't think it's too unconscionable.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's fine.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that she's animated super 16 and he's animated super like 35 and on his third career.
• 42:31
  Eric: He's like a fucking Power Ranger.
• 42:34
  Matt: Yeah, his Adam's apples just uh fully developed a chiseled job, not a hint of acne on him.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he's also got some like eye bags going on for like an 18-year-old.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, also, who put an 18-year-old in charge of a shit?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is another question.
• 42:51
  Eric: Also, yes.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is getting away from the contract, but I do have that question, and I'm just gonna hold that for another time in my life.
• 42:58
  Matt: Yeah, here we go again, just to give you a good shot at Prince Eric.
• 43:02
  Eric: Jesus, my my memory was way too generous with this guy.
• 43:07
  Matt: Yeah, I mean, look at it when you look at the full body, this is not an 18-year-old.
• 43:12
  Eric: No, not wearing those pants.
• 43:15
  Eric: He's got a fucking sash.
• 43:17
  Eric: No, no, no 18-year-old like wants to actively wear a sash.
• 43:22
  Eric: Yeah, absolutely not, no, unless they're a fucking Eagle Scout.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, also, Eric, to answer your question of apparent lack of pop culture knowledge.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the first person you pulled up was um international pop star Sean Mendez.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I I feel like that is that should be noted for the record.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: Let the record show.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let the record reflect, Your Honor, that that was Sean Mendez.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: And Matthew Shea did not recognize a photo of him.
• 43:51
  Matt: You know what?
• 43:51
  Matt: I uh I I'm also guilty.
• 43:53
  Matt: I'm also guilty here.
• 43:55
  Matt: We're both guilty, yeah.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: As your as your as your lawyer, I would advise you not to make any particular Our lawyer.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: She's our lawyer.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_00: She's our lawyer.
• 44:04
  Eric: We've retained Marissa Hatfield.
• 44:06
  Eric: Yes, we're certainly gonna need it.
• 44:08
  Eric: Mr.
• 44:09
  Eric: Mendez here today.
• 44:10
  Eric: Can you point to him for me?
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I'm not the one on trial here.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's you.
• 44:16
  Eric: So see, that's why we keep her as a lawyer.
• 44:18
  Eric: That's why that's she's she's so she she saves us from ourselves, truly.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: Getting back to the contract.
• 44:26
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 44:27
  Matt: Yeah.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, the real question is um, I believe this would be governed by King Triton's law because it's under his kingdom, and we don't know the contractual law in King Triton's kingdom, but we could make some conjectures perhaps like like I know would international waters factor into this?
• 44:49
  Eric: I mean that's a word sovereign citizens like to throw around, they maritime law having seen some in court, they do really like you got to meet sovereign citizens.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, well, they don't want to talk to me because I'm a lawyer and they don't need lawyers.
• 45:04
  Eric: That's a whole other that is oh yeah, well they yeah, they haven't broken any laws because they haven't broken any laws because the laws don't apply to them.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yes, we could say, you know, this is international waters, you know, there are there's no particular, you know, country that we recognize currently whose laws would apply to the waters surrounding King Triton's kingdom.
• 45:27
  Eric: Is it is he king is it Atlantis in the movie?
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think so.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't think so.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's just like Triton land.
• 45:36
  Matt: Triton land.
• 45:37
  Matt: Well, here's another here's another uh dubious standing as a nation dubious, dubious, not recognized by the United Nations.
• 45:45
  Matt: No, no, certainly not.
• 45:46
  Matt: The it's not it's no NATO nation.
• 45:49
  Matt: The the problem also that I think that exists is she's going from being a creature of the sea to becoming a human.
• 45:59
  Matt: So then once she becomes a human, is she under the jurisdiction of human law or is she still a mermaid because she's only temporarily got them legs?
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, a part of this is the rules of the jurisdiction where the contract was signed and the parties reside.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, I don't think that Eric's kingdom of Eric land, I'm just gonna call it, because that also has no name.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know their laws, but at that point the contract's already signed, everything's done.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: Eric is not a party to the contract, so I don't think his kingdom applies.
• 46:33
  Eric: So I'm starting to get the vibe.
• 46:38
  Eric: You look a you look aggrieved.
• 46:40
  Eric: That the Little Mermaid is the sovereign citizens manifesto.
• 46:44
  Eric: Now hear me out.
• 46:46
  Eric: Um, it's all about freedom of movement.
• 46:50
  Eric: So, like my right to be to be in the sea or the land if I want, uh, a witch's right to exercise witchcraft.
• 46:59
  Eric: Uh, she gets all the rights of of being a member uh of being a citizen of she's not bound by their laws.
• 47:08
  Matt: But I don't think she has the right to trick a minor into signing a lifelong contract.
• 47:15
  Eric: Sure.
• 47:15
  Matt: I don't think that's governed by the laws of witches.
• 47:18
  Eric: That the the system of sovereign citizenship, it it naturally balanced out because Eric stabbed her in the abdomen with a ship.
• 47:26
  Eric: Yeah.
• 47:27
  Matt: How did you get so wise?
• 47:30
  Matt: So yeah, did he stab her or did he collide into her with an ocean-bearing vessel?
• 47:39
  Eric: And does and does Mariel not represent the voiceless sovereign citizens among us who merely wish to have freedom of movement across the land but are silenced by quote contracts and constitutions?
• 47:58
  Eric: You know what?
• 47:59
  Matt: You you've got a point here.
• 48:00
  Matt: I've got a point.
• 48:01
  Matt: You've got a point.
• 48:05
  Matt: Why did the free why do these free swimming creatures of the ocean also need to be bound by these laws and contracts?
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, yeah.
• 48:18
  Matt: I mean I always thought the ocean was anarchy.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, I I've always thought about the ocean like the purge.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's like there's no laws, we just do whatever we want down here.
• 48:28
  Matt: I've I've seen the oceans deep episode of Planet Earth.
• 48:32
  Matt: There's no laws down there.
• 48:34
  Eric: Do you know what I would have told my dad if if he had told me to give my to give my fake the blastoise back to that kid?
• 48:44
  Eric: I would have told him to go fucking eat my butt.
• 48:47
  Eric: I would have told him to go like I would have told him to kick kick kick water, find a rock and kick into the water.
• 48:54
  Eric: Because we're in the ocean.
• 48:55
  Eric: There's nothing you can do.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, unless your dad unless your dad is the king of Triton Land.
• 49:03
  Matt: Are you yeah, is your dad in this situation also King Triton?
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean that's the other question, too.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: Does Triton have certain laws regarding you can't fuck with his kids or anything you try to do with to fuck with his kids means like you out.
• 49:20
  Eric: I mean, I also wonder how present he is because he lets his daughter collect trash as a hobby.
• 49:28
  Matt: Well, he's against it though, he is against it, but also he's one might say notably against this hoarding habit.
• 49:37
  Eric: This kid is like visibly a hoarder, and he just like, I wish you wouldn't.
• 49:41
  Eric: I'm like, Are you not king?
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, listen, he has seven daughters and he's a widow, so like he doesn't and a king he and he's a king, he has a lot of things going on right now.
• 49:55
  Matt: He's got a lot going on, and there must be uh some intensive, you know, hair care involved on his mane that he's got going on.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's an hours-long routine for that hair.
• 50:06
  Eric: It's gotta be the salt is not doing it anymore.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, of course not.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's like a truly not.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's a hair mask conditioning routine that I would want to know about for sure.
• 50:15
  Matt: So, in short, or are you summing up?
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I think Eric is going for it here.
• 50:21
  Matt: Not not our attorney.
• 50:24
  Matt: I'll let our counsel speak.
• 50:26
  Matt: Yes, please.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 50:28
  Eric: My counsel has advised me to shut the fuck up on the advice of my advice of my counsel.
• 50:33
  Eric: Uh, I I we turn it over to you.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Your Honor, I I would wish to advise the court regarding this contract.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, since one of the parties is the daughter of King Triton, though typically this would be what we would deem a sovereign citizen's land.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: I believe the contract should be null and void as to the child of the sovereign king of our sovereign lands.
• 51:02
  Eric: Hell yeah, Your Honor.
• 51:03
  Eric: Hell yeah.
• 51:04
  Eric: Defense rests.
• 51:05
  Eric: The defense, the defense.
• 51:07
  Eric: That's all Matt wants to do.
• 51:08
  Eric: Matt just wants to be the guy that like at you just deliver that calmly, but he'll be suddenly out of breath of the defense rests.
• 51:18
  Matt: Yeah, I just I just come in for the dramatics only.
• 51:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 51:22
  Eric: And then I slap a table.
• 51:24
  Matt: Yeah, for you you're the objection uh counsel.
• 51:28
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, you're only you only stand up to say objection.
• 51:33
  Eric: Okay, Chris is over here doing like the hand across the neck, shut the fuck up.
• 51:37
  Matt: Shut up, shut up right now.
• 51:40
  Matt: And from time to time, I from the other side of the table go, Your Honor.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I mean, I have been that person in a courtroom before who's like, Your honor, are you serious?
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, your honor, like very loudly declare it, like, you know, this is inappropriate.
• 51:56
  Eric: Oh, hell yeah, Carissa.
• 51:58
  Eric: Hell yes.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_00: But also, Eric, I can also grant you the privilege of being the one who says, nothing further, your honor.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_06: Yes! Oh god, juicy!
• 52:10
  Eric: Yes, hold on, let me give it a try.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_04: Nothing further to add, Your Honor.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_04: Why?
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_04: Why that accent?
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_04: Where did we go?
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why why are you southern now?
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_04: I am but a a humble southern sea witch.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_04: I said sea witch.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_04: I said sea witch.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_04: Nothing further, y'all.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I moved to Maryland, so I wouldn't have to hear that every time I was in a courtroom.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right, come on.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 52:46
  Matt: Oh man.
• 52:47
  Matt: Well, I think I think that is truly the legal final answer there on that, on that note.
• 52:54
  Matt: Damn, that was thorough.
• 52:55
  Matt: We we we tied up Little Mermaid and Sovereign Citizenship once we might never have had a more productive question in this show's 35-episode history.
• 53:05
  Matt: Now, uh, Eric, do you have any other questions for our counsel while she's still here?
• 53:10
  Matt: Counsel.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 53:11
  Eric: So I I I I am I am obligated to ask, what is the wildest shit that has ever actually like happened to you in court?
• 53:20
  Eric: Obviously, feel free to, you know, change names, obfuscate, make shit up.
• 53:26
  Eric: You can make the whole thing up for all we care.
• 53:28
  Eric: You can do whatever you want.
• 53:29
  Eric: We l we there we have no way of fact you're our the person we would fact check this against.
• 53:34
  Matt: Yeah, how are we?
• 53:34
  Matt: How are we gonna research this?
• 53:36
  Matt: Where's this on Wikipedia?
• 53:37
  Matt: Who lawyers the lawyer?
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the attorney grievance commission is the answer to that question.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so just this is a very, I'll be very vague.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I've done a lot of different things in my my so far, I guess, illustrious five-year career.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um yes, yes.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_00: Hear me roar.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I used to do quite a bit of um work with uh survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.
• 54:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we represented a lot of different people.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one of the weirdest ones I had went on this case went on for several months.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_00: Parents that we were trying to get a protective order, the parents hated each other, their child was with somebody else because they couldn't figure it out.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, neither parent was like stable enough to be custodial parent.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I was representing one of the parents, and I advised them.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Hey, we are finally going to trial.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's been four months now, and I need you to come to this final hearing, and I need you to dress like you're going to a job interview.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this was like very typical advice that I gave when I was representing folks in DV court.
• 54:47
  Matt: Because unfortunately, I feel like I've seen this in in many a law drama.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and every lawyer will like tell you that if you're like appearing in a court, they'll say, try to look your best, you know, appear in courts that you'd wear to wear your Sunday best or dress like you're going for a job interview.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was very common advice.
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_00: We gave it to everybody.
• 55:07
  Matt: I wore a full suit when I went to argue a stoplight ticket, which well, you should.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you should.
• 55:14
  Matt: He earned his PBJ.
• 55:15
  Matt: I was also prepared to argue to the judge, but it didn't come to that.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, um, this was I'm assuming before you knew me.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it was before I could argue your PBJ ticket for you.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so day of court comes.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_00: I give this advice.
• 55:33
  SPEAKER_00: She says, Great, got it.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think nothing, I think nothing of it.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_00: We we arrive for court.
• 55:39
  SPEAKER_00: I am, of course, in my full suit, as is generally required of an attorney, and I'm sure conservative, you know, knee length skirt, you know, like all the things that are appropriate for the forum.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, my client arrives.
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she's dressed for a job interview, but it's not um what I would think of if you were going for a job interview like a bank or like you know, even an office or even even retail, yes, even Sears.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my client has appeared for court um in a mini dress, which you know what, fine for outside the courtroom.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_00: I own them, I'm not judging.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_00: She also shows up in ripped fish nets.
• 56:24
  Eric: Okay.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_00: She shows up for court in five-inch stiletto heels.
• 56:28
  Eric: Okay, all right, impressive but damn.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_00: Impressive but damp.
• 56:33
  SPEAKER_00: She shows up looking like she has not slept the night before.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um no, and yeah, it was not a good look for anyone.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I I did not personally know what to do uh with that.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I did ask, like, um, did do you remember when I said dress like you're going to a job interview?
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and she did say, Yes, yes, I I do remember that.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that was it, that was the only response.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then we got in front of the judge, um, and uh she started disclosing some things on the stand that were um illegal um at the time um that we appeared for this trial, um, on a record um before a judge.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the only time in my history as an attorney that a judge has stopped a trial, asked myself and opposing counsel to come up to the bench and has said, uh counsel, did you advise your client to testify about these things?
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because she shouldn't be testifying about these things in front of me.
• 57:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Jinkies, Your Honor.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_00: Jinkies.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I assure you, Your Honor, I did not tell her to say any of these things.
• 57:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I indeed asked her to not say these things very intentionally, and the only time I've had a judge say that's what I thought.
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna, I'm just gonna at la allow you to ask a very leading question to get us out of this area and into literally anything else.
• 58:12
  Eric: And a judge essentially go, bro, I'm really uncomfortable.
• 58:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, bro, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want somebody to get arrested in my courtroom for things that have happened.
• 58:22
  Matt: Lead us anywhere else, lead us to a Wendy's.
• 58:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, he was a very nice judge and one of my favorites that I had in my when I wasn't working in Montgomery County, but he uh just said to me, he was just like, I I've never had somebody come in here and testify about all of these things.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I haven't either, and I assure you, I I did not ask for this.
• 58:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was truly a you didn't ask for truly a you didn't ask for this moment.
• 58:51
  Matt: Damn, full circle.
• 58:53
  Matt: Now, now, had we been there to be your your flanking your cronies, the agos, uh yes, you goons this this would have been this would have been an appropriate moment for both of us to stand up and say, Your Honor, may we have a moment with our clients?
• 59:09
  Matt: May we have a moment with our client.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your Honor may be a little bit more than a little bit.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your Honor Your Honor may I have a brief moment to speak with my client in the hallway.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure he would be like, Yeah, and tell her to never fucking say that out loud again, ever in her entire life.
• 59:22
  Matt: I I feel you should counsel.
• 59:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel you should counsel.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I got to ask a question that was like moving away from what we were just talking about, changing the subject.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm next going to ask you about the incident that occurred on X date with your spouse.
• 59:43
  SPEAKER_00: What happened at that time?
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_00: And don't talk about the other thing that happened.
• 59:49
  Matt: Yeah, pretty much the the legalese version of so anyway.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, moving on.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, so that was I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you that was a needless to say, despite my best efforts, we did lose that case.
• 1:00:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um you don't situation.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um that was an eight-hour trial that I ended up losing.
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because obviously I ended up losing.
• 1:00:14
  Matt: Um there's only so much you can do.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, only so much you can do.
• 1:00:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was I I went home and I I drew because I worked in Montgomery County and lived in Baltimore at that point.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_00: And for folks who are not from this area, that is about a 90-minute drive, optimistically in traffic.
• 1:00:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I sat on my couch and stared into the abyss, and I think drank most of the contents of a bottle of wine in one night because it was it, it was thankfully on a Friday, and I didn't have to get up for work the next day.
• 1:00:42
  Eric: You earned it.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that was you earned it.
• 1:00:44
  Eric: That was it.
• 1:00:45
  SPEAKER_00: That was the wildest one.
• 1:00:46
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't had one quite that bad ever again, and I really hope not to.
• 1:00:51
  Matt: Thanks.
• 1:00:51
  Matt: And I hope you don't, absolutely, especially if it's I especially hope it's not our case, which again is probably inevitable.
• 1:01:00
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_00: Call me.
• 1:01:02
  Matt: You know, there's only so much, uh, there's only so far we can get.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 1:01:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're just gonna have to pay me in your daft appearances.
• 1:01:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 1:01:11
  Matt: Oh, this we can arrange.
• 1:01:13
  Matt: Deal.
• 1:01:14
  Matt: This is the currency we have mounds of.
• 1:01:17
  Matt: We have a new segment.
• 1:01:19
  Matt: Legal questions with Carissa.
• 1:01:23
  SPEAKER_00: Carissa.
• 1:01:24
  Matt: Your counsel didn't ask for this.
• 1:01:26
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:01:27
  Matt: Well, Carissa Hatfield Esquire.
• 1:01:30
  Matt: It has been a true pleasure.
• 1:01:33
  Matt: A privilege.
• 1:01:34
  Matt: A privilege, truly.
• 1:01:36
  Matt: Honor for us all.
• 1:01:37
  Matt: Thank you.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: Thank you.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: Thank you for coming on the show today.
• 1:01:40
  Matt: Thank you for listening to this show and providing us many a question, uh, just as you did today.
• 1:01:47
  Matt: Uh, truly a daff giant.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:01:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you all.
• 1:01:51
  SPEAKER_00: Such an honor.
• 1:01:53
  Matt: And with that, goodbye.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_03: Bye.
• 1:01:56
  SPEAKER_03: Bye.
• 1:02:01
  Matt: Oh man, it it is always good to have some actual legal knowledge in this podcast.
• 1:02:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:02:10
  Matt: We've certainly dispensed enough of it over the years.
• 1:02:13
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 1:02:14
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 1:02:14
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 1:02:15
  Matt: We technically are on years.
• 1:02:17
  Eric: Isn't that amazing?
• 1:02:18
  Eric: That is alarming.
• 1:02:20
  Matt: It is alarming.
• 1:02:21
  Matt: Speaking of alarming, Eric, shall we transition now into some dumb crimes?
• 1:02:26
  SPEAKER_03: Dumb crimes.
• 1:02:27
  Matt: Um, would you like to share first, Eric, or would you like me to share my tale first?
• 1:02:32
  Eric: I'll go first.
• 1:02:33
  Matt: All right, all right.
• 1:02:35
  Eric: All right, Matt.
• 1:02:36
  Eric: Well, I've got some good news.
• 1:02:39
  Eric: Nice.
• 1:02:40
  Eric: The South Texas fajita bandit has finally been caught.
• 1:02:44
  Eric: Oh, oh no.
• 1:02:46
  Matt: As of 2017.
• 1:02:48
  Matt: Oh, good.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: So even when not doing weird news, you still bring us an aged new story.
• 1:02:57
  Matt: Got it.
• 1:02:58
  Matt: Story.
• 1:02:58
  Matt: Got it.
• 1:02:59
  Matt: Tell us about the fajita bandit.
• 1:03:01
  Eric: Well, Matt, since 2008, the Cameron County Juvenile Justice Department has been paying for fajita deliveries.
• 1:03:09
  Eric: There's just one problem.
• 1:03:11
  Eric: My God.
• 1:03:12
  Eric: The facility's cafeteria doesn't serve fajitas.
• 1:03:17
  Eric: God damn.
• 1:03:18
  Eric: In August, the discrepancy was cleared up.
• 1:03:21
  Eric: According to the Brownsville Herald, on August 7th, the Labat Food Service attempted to deliver 800 pounds of fajitas to the facility's kitchen.
• 1:03:33
  Eric: The kitchen staffer who received the shipment informed the driver that they didn't serve fajitas.
• 1:03:39
  Eric: The driver told the staffer that he'd been making such deliveries for the past nine years to an employee of the facility suspected to be Gilberto Escomilla.
• 1:03:51
  Eric: Oh boy, Gilberto.
• 1:03:53
  Eric: So, quote, the receiver of the call rushes off to the supervisor and conveys to her the discussion that had been had, and that breaks the case, Cameron County District Attorney Louis V.
• 1:04:03
  Eric: Sainz said.
• 1:04:05
  Eric: When Mr.
• 1:04:05
  Eric: Escamella reports to work the next day, he is confronted with the discussion and he admits he had been stealing fajitas for nine years.
• 1:04:13
  Eric: He was fired August 8th and arrested August 9th after the DA's office special investigations unit obtained a search warrant.
• 1:04:20
  Eric: When officers searched Escamilla's house, they found packets of fajitas in his refrigerator.
• 1:04:26
  Matt: Truly a smoking gun, is it not?
• 1:04:28
  Eric: Uh smoking cast iron plate.
• 1:04:30
  Eric: The story is wacky, but Escremilla isn't just suspected of tucking the fajitas in his fridge for grilling on the weekends.
• 1:04:38
  Eric: According to investigators, the fajita thief is alleged to have been responsible for stealing$1.2 million worth of that cut of meat.
• 1:04:50
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:04:51
  Eric: Setting himself up as a black market dealer of rogue beef skirt throughout the Rio Grande Valley.
• 1:04:58
  Eric: Wow.
• 1:05:00
  Matt: You know, I'm not I don't want to advocate that anyone becomes a criminal for anything, especially on this very legal heavy episode of ours.
• 1:05:07
  Matt: Yeah, it but if but if you but if you are gonna commit a crime, it it is fun to get a name like the Fahita bandit out of it.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_06: Caliente.
• 1:05:20
  Matt: There we are, just once again, just brushing up against offenses.
• 1:05:25
  Matt: Just it's such caressing Tex-Mex.
• 1:05:30
  Eric: Tex-Mex offense.
• 1:05:31
  Matt: Yes, absolutely.
• 1:05:33
  Matt: Wow, that is a fantastic story.
• 1:05:35
  Matt: And I mean that in the in truly the that is out there realm.
• 1:05:39
  Matt: Nine years, you said nine years.
• 1:05:42
  Matt: And and how many millions of dollars?
• 1:05:45
  Eric: That's almost an entire Pokemon trainer worth of years.
• 1:05:49
  Matt: Golly, I mean, truly, truly, that is that is uh uh I don't know that you can even call it dumb because he got away with it for long.
• 1:05:58
  Eric: Got away with it for nine years.
• 1:06:00
  Matt: Wow.
• 1:06:00
  Matt: I mean, well, th you know, Fajita Bandit, uh, as of circa twenty seventeen, you've been brought to justice.
• 1:06:08
  Matt: Thank God.
• 1:06:08
  Matt: We salute you.
• 1:06:09
  Matt: Oh, we salute you.
• 1:06:10
  Eric: We salute you.
• 1:06:11
  Eric: We we we are this podcast endorses the fajita bandit.
• 1:06:14
  Matt: We salute the fajita bandit.
• 1:06:16
  Matt: We're on the side of the fajita bandit.
• 1:06:17
  Eric: Oh, we are, yes.
• 1:06:18
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 1:06:19
  Matt: All right.
• 1:06:19
  Eric: Then this is a pro-sovereign citizen, pro-fajita bandit podcast.
• 1:06:24
  Matt: You're absolutely right.
• 1:06:25
  Matt: I think we should be.
• 1:06:27
  Matt: I'm glad that we can be pro your criminal.
• 1:06:30
  Matt: Let's see how you feel about I d I'm gonna say up front, just so there can't be any audio grab.
• 1:06:36
  Matt: Hit me with it.
• 1:06:37
  Matt: I'm not sure we we uh can even joke about being pro my criminal.
• 1:06:42
  SPEAKER_06: Uh-oh.
• 1:06:43
  Matt: Let me give you a headline.
• 1:06:44
  SPEAKER_06: Um Thanks for the heads up so I don't get canceled.
• 1:06:47
  Matt: Yeah, the uh the the headline is a little deceptive.
• 1:06:51
  Matt: I might read it and you might say, like, I don't see where the crime is, okay?
• 1:06:55
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:06:55
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:06:56
  Matt: Just letting you know.
• 1:06:57
  Matt: 911 operator hid camera and precinct urnal.
• 1:07:01
  Matt: That sounds like a crime.
• 1:07:02
  Matt: And this is this is a di a developing story, I suppose.
• 1:07:06
  Matt: It's from February 10th.
• 1:07:07
  Matt: All right, camera of the toilet.
• 1:07:08
  Matt: Sounds like a crime.
• 1:07:09
  Matt: Of this very year.
• 1:07:10
  Matt: A nine, this is from the smoking gun.
• 1:07:13
  Matt: A 911 dispatcher hid a small camera inside a urnal at a Pennsylvania police precinct and surreptitiously recorded several cops, quote, in various stages of undress with exposed genitals, according to the criminal.
• 1:07:30
  Eric: I was really hoping they would use the phrasing in various stages of piss.
• 1:07:34
  Matt: In various stages of piss.
• 1:07:37
  Matt: In late December, an officer with the North Versailles Police Department in suburban Pittsburgh was using the restroom, quote, when he noticed an odd item attached to the inside upper left corner of the urinal.
• 1:07:50
  Matt: Just to pause for a second, can you imagine the Eric first saying like the horror of being like, hey, there's something here, then working up the courage to physically investigate something in a police urinal and then discovering what it was.
• 1:08:11
  Matt: Upon inspection, the item turned out to be a one and a half inch camera with an attached SD card.
• 1:08:17
  Matt: The camera had been, quote, wrapped in a white sheath with the outer portion of the camera lens painted in white, apparently so that it would blend into the porcelain urinal to which it was attached by Velcro.
• 1:08:30
  Matt: When the camera was discovered on December 31st on New Year's Eve, what a New Year's Eve that turned out to be, all quote, all officers present at the station went to the bathroom to look at the item, detectives reported.
• 1:08:49
  Matt: It was at that time that John Logan, a 49-year-old 911 operator, announced that he had to quote, use the restroom immediately.
• 1:09:02
  Matt: Oh no.
• 1:09:06
  Matt: Access to the single occupancy bathroom is restricted to law enforcement personnel.
• 1:09:11
  Matt: Logan subsequently, quote, flushed the toilet and exited the bathroom after spending several minutes inside.
• 1:09:19
  Eric: Please, dear God, tell me he didn't do what I think he probably tried to do.
• 1:09:23
  Matt: Quote, at that point the camera was collected.
• 1:09:26
  Matt: Don't know why it wasn't collected before that, I have to point out.
• 1:09:30
  Matt: And the officers noticed that the SD card was now missing.
• 1:09:36
  Matt: When questioned about the camera, Logan reportedly admitted that he'd, quote, touched and squeezed the device, but denied removing the memory card.
• 1:09:47
  Matt: Asked why he would touch evidence without a gloved hand, Logan, cops say, replied, I don't know, Steve.
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you have such a nice dick?
• 1:09:59
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:10:01
  Matt: That'd possibly be better than what he actually said, which was simply stupidity.
• 1:10:07
  Eric: No, that's better.
• 1:10:08
  Eric: That's so much better.
• 1:10:09
  Eric: What the fuck?
• 1:10:11
  Matt: A search last month of Logan's residence turned up a mini camera identical to the one discovered in the police precinct urinal.
• 1:10:21
  Matt: Flash drives found in Logan's bedroom contained multiple videos of North Versailles police officers using the bathroom while in various stages of undress, with, of course, exposed genitals.
• 1:10:36
  Matt: Detectives were able to make a positive identification of three victims, each of whom were unaware they had been secretly recorded.
• 1:10:46
  Matt: Logan yesterday was charged with evidence tampering and three counts of invasion of privacy.
• 1:10:53
  Matt: Shh.
• 1:10:54
  Matt: The hubris.
• 1:10:55
  Eric: The hubr the fucking and like obviously, obviously, it's super fun.
• 1:11:00
  Eric: Like, no one should ever have their junk looked at unawares.
• 1:11:05
  Eric: Of course.
• 1:11:05
  Eric: No one.
• 1:11:06
  Eric: But God, I can think of few lamer ways to get the shit kicked out of you in prison than what are you in for?
• 1:11:14
  Eric: Uh, I like cop wieners.
• 1:11:17
  Matt: Can you imagine, Eric, the terror that must have overcome this stupid, stupid man when, as the article says here, every cop in the precinct was like, let me get a look at this thing, and and are huddling into the bathroom.
• 1:11:36
  Matt: And then you your great escape plan was, excuse me, I gotta get in there post taste officer.
• 1:11:45
  Matt: Constable, please get out of the way.
• 1:11:48
  Matt: But here's what I don't understand.
• 1:11:50
  Matt: How did they not collect this camera first?
• 1:11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Why did they not immediately like oh yeah, it seems seems legit.
• 1:11:57
  Matt: I I find it hard to believe this is the only bathroom in the precinct, which is now a crime scene.
• 1:12:03
  SPEAKER_06: Which is a crime scene.
• 1:12:05
  Matt: So I like no cop was like, no, sorry, John, you're gonna have to go out and use the lobby bathroom.
• 1:12:13
  Eric: You're like some cops have that like fucking action movie badass thing where they're like, I don't, I don't sit anywhere with my back to the door.
• 1:12:23
  SPEAKER_06: But now, like, these cops are just gonna be like, I don't, I don't go pital pedal without without casing casing the inside of the urinal first.
• 1:12:32
  SPEAKER_06: Gotta gotta look for a bug.
• 1:12:34
  Matt: That's something that's gonna fuck you up for forever.
• 1:12:37
  Matt: I mean, and then again, like I said, the bravery required to put your hands.
• 1:12:43
  Matt: See what see what's up, see what that thing is.
• 1:12:46
  Matt: Only to discover what that thing is.
• 1:12:50
  Matt: I mean yikes.
• 1:12:51
  Matt: But I'm confused also about the painting of the lens.
• 1:12:55
  Eric: It seems like that defeats several purposes.
• 1:12:58
  Matt: I feel like you these images probably weren't all that great.
• 1:13:03
  Matt: That's why maybe they only got three.
• 1:13:05
  Matt: Well, those from a different SD card, I guess, but they only got three uh three people the he uh you know they could only find anyway.
• 1:13:13
  SPEAKER_06: Getting going to jail for cop wieners.
• 1:13:16
  Matt: As a 911 operator, I mean truly this has to be a good definition of a dumb crime.
• 1:13:25
  Matt: Dumb as shit.
• 1:13:26
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:13:27
  Matt: So uh I think Eric, that will, on that very disturbing note, do it for uh for episode 35.
• 1:13:35
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 1:13:36
  Matt: Of you didn't ask for this, don't you think?
• 1:13:39
  Matt: I think we've done enough good today.
• 1:13:41
  Matt: Uh as always, we would love to have your questions.
• 1:13:45
  Matt: Because as you've heard today, if you give us enough, we'll we'll just bring you in in person.
• 1:13:50
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:13:51
  Matt: Let's bring you on the fucking show.
• 1:13:53
  Matt: Bring you right on into the show.
• 1:13:54
  Eric: And like an O's game, baby.
• 1:13:56
  Eric: Pay what you can.
• 1:13:58
  Matt: So get on in here, send us some questions.
• 1:14:03
  Matt: You can do this so many ways.
• 1:14:06
  Matt: We're on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at you didn't ask pod.
• 1:14:11
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:14:14
  Matt: Where you can email us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:14:17
  Matt: I'll spread out.
• 1:14:18
  Matt: And of course, you can share your thoughts with us voice to voice by calling the thought line at 410-929-5329.
• 1:14:31
  Matt: Could we give you any more options?
• 1:14:32
  Eric: Uh, you got so many.
• 1:14:34
  Matt: The next step, Eric, is for us to get a P.O.
• 1:14:37
  Matt: box.
• 1:14:37
  Matt: Oh, Matt, that's a commitment.
• 1:14:40
  Matt: But that's uh gonna be exclusively so people can send us Yerba Mate.
• 1:14:45
  Eric: Yeah!
• 1:14:46
  Matt: And other such gifts, silken robes and the and the like that we've mentioned on this show.
• 1:14:52
  Matt: Uh, but they're gonna have to wait for that.
• 1:14:54
  Matt: We're gonna have to wait for that.
• 1:14:55
  Matt: So send us your questions, please do.
• 1:14:57
  Matt: And uh very I'm death, I'm deadly serious about this.
• 1:15:02
  Matt: Tell a tell a friend.
• 1:15:03
  Matt: Tell a friend about the show.
• 1:15:05
  Matt: Tell a friend, and then they'll tell you about it.
• 1:15:06
  Matt: How do you hear about your podcasts?
• 1:15:08
  Matt: Yeah, that's right.
• 1:15:09
  Matt: Someone told you about them.
• 1:15:11
  Matt: So tell somebody else, leave us a review, listen to us on the good pods.
• 1:15:16
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:15:16
  Matt: Uh Eric, am I missing anything in the business section?
• 1:15:20
  SPEAKER_06: God, not a not a business.
• 1:15:21
  Matt: I feel like I'm always I feel like I'm always conducting the business.
• 1:15:24
  Matt: Do you have business?
• 1:15:25
  Matt: Should you have conducted the business?
• 1:15:27
  Eric: Well, refer to my council, Matthew.
• 1:15:32
  Eric: Uh I'll refer you to my counsel.
• 1:15:33
  Matt: All right.
• 1:15:34
  Matt: Which is also my counsel, as it turns out.
• 1:15:36
  Matt: Oh shit.
• 1:15:37
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:15:38
  Matt: So for perhaps for the very first time when I say this phrase, there is actually somebody else involved.
• 1:15:45
  Eric: Oh shit.
• 1:15:46
  Matt: When I say, from all of us here at you didn't ask for this, my name is Matt Shea.
• 1:15:52
  Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
• 1:15:54
  Matt: And listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:15:56
  Eric: Wrong, sir.
• 1:15:57
  Eric: Wrong.
• 1:15:57
  Eric: Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void.
• 1:16:04
  Eric: If, and you can read it here for yourself in this photostatic copy, I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, etc., etc.
• 1:16:13
  Eric: Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, etc.
• 1:16:16
  Eric: etc.
• 1:16:16
  Eric: Memo bis Penuto delicatum.
• 1:16:19
  Eric: It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal.
• 1:16:22
  Eric: You stole fizzy lifting drinks.
• 1:16:24
  Eric: You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing.
• 1:16:29
  Eric: You lose.
• 1:16:30
  Eric: Good day, sir.
• 1:16:32
  unknown: Wow.
• 1:16:33
  Matt: What a callback.
• 1:16:34
  Matt: I know.
• 1:16:35
  Matt: Well, that's it.
• 1:16:36
  Matt: We're not gonna top that.
• 1:16:37
  Matt: Just play the music.
• 1:16:38
  Matt: Just play the music.
• 1:16:38
  Matt: Nothing to fade out.
• 1:16:39
  Matt: Just good days.
• 1:16:40
  Matt: Good days, sir.
• 1:16:41
  Matt: And see.