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Why Do I Fight With My Partner Before My Period? The Hormone Shift Behind It · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Healing Her Story podcast.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Today I am coming to you with a solo episode, and I'm really excited to explore today's topic with you.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: As I've shared in some of the more recent episodes, I am a Libra son, and the next several episodes and the past few episodes have really been inspired by the energy of Libra season.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm very much in my sandbox, if you will, and I really enjoyed reflecting and putting this episode together.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I enjoyed reflecting on the themes that we're going to be exploring in today's episode.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I really enjoyed being able to put this episode together for you.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps you noticed the title.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: This was actually a question that came up as frequently tight into Google or maybe into Cloud or into ChatGBT.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that it captured your attention in that way so that we can begin to explore not only why you might fight with your partner right before your period, but also about why you might be experiencing other relationship patterns across your cycle.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is something that I think is really important to understand as women living in female bodies how these undercurrents really influence what we're experiencing.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so maybe you've noticed around a particular part of your cycle you feel like you want to break up with your partner or your husband.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe there's a part of your cycle where you find yourself really annoyed with them.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps there's a period in your cycle where you notice you always seem to get in an argument with your partner or husband.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe if you're single, I didn't forget about you, single ladies, if you're not with a partner or a husband, perhaps there's a part of your cycle where you notice you need more company.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's a part of your cycle where you really enjoy going out with certain friends.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe a part of your cycle where you don't enjoy going out with a certain friend.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's a part of your cycle where you feel like you just need more alone time.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And my guess is that you already know all of this.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I can almost guarantee you, if you are living in a female body, your menstrual cycle is influencing these experiences and patterns in your relationships.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this doesn't mean that something's wrong with you.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like being a woman or having a menstrual cycle is a curse.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't see it that way.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I see it as one of the most beautiful and magical and wondrous experiences that we could have living in a female body.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Where the friction comes from is when we're not understanding and honoring, because we can understand, but it doesn't mean that we're actually embodying it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: If we aren't honoring and embodying the different needs of each part of our cycle, then that can show up in our relationships.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you can think of today as a mini menstrual cycle coaching session or maybe more of a master class.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to be walking through the different phases of the cycle, and I'm going to be sharing some of the relationship patterns that I've noticed across mine, which may or may not be the same ones that you notice.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of them will overlap, or perhaps maybe just hearing about my own patterns will help you to recognize and make sense of your own.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the most obvious times in our cycle where there's a serious withdrawal and our desire to socialize and be out in the world.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this makes sense because in the days leading up to the bleeding time, and usually in the first few days of the cycle, our hormones are at their lowest point, our reproductive hormones.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Estrogen is low, progesterone is low.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, this is depending on your unique cycle, but generally speaking, we can expect here that there's less interest, less interest, excuse me, in the outer world and more interest in the inner world.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I would say the bleeding time is a time to focus on your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your body.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you weren't paying attention to that relationship, well, the bleeding time is usually where that neglect can show up.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it can show up in the form of pain, cramping, grief, emotional flooding, maybe feeling overwhelmed.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: This can be a time in the cycle where things bubble up because the element of water is connected to this part of the cycle.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And water is connected to our emotions.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean something's wrong if emotions arise here.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I would say it's actually the opposite.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is a beautiful time for emotions to arise and for the waters to flow.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: If we try carrying on during this part of our cycle as if we aren't bleeding, keeping up with the socializing, the caretaking, the various roles that we hold, that's where we cause more friction by not honoring the invitation to focus on our relationship with ourselves and our body.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: The bleeding time is truly the life-giving phase of the cycle.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's our invitation to pull back from the world and to return to ourselves, to give back to ourselves, especially for those of us who are caretakers, who show up and give in all of these various roles that we hold.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is one of the most profound and impactful ways we can change our experience of being a woman in a female body is simply by prioritizing your relationship to your body and yourself during this part of your cycle.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot stress this enough.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's hard to pull back and be with yourself here.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really good information too.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: The one relationship we will always have from the day that we are born into the day that we die is the relationship that we have with ourselves.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that relationship ripples out and influences the way we relate to everyone else in our lives.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Just as the bleeding time regenerates us and gives us the energy to move through the rest of the cycle, my invitation before you go trying to relate to anyone else is to explore the relationship you have with yourself.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a loving, nurturing, compassionate, patient, understanding relationship with yourself?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you really hard on yourself?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do you push yourself?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ignore the signs and signals from your body to slow down and rest?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you critical or judgmental towards yourself?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are, that's okay.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're not here to shame or blame or vilify.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of that is learned from our environment.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And just as we learned it, we can also unlearn it.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been interesting as I've supported other women with menstrual cycle coaching this year, I've been able to witness the same exact thing in my clients too.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Next is the follicular phase.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time in the cycle where estrogen is on the rise, and our energy, our motivation, and our desire to engage with the outside world begins to return.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time, especially with estrogen rising, where we start to feel more social.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: In my own cycle, I've learned recently that I really enjoy prioritizing time with my girlfriends here.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: In years past, I hadn't put such an emphasis on socializing during this part of my cycle.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've continued down my own healing journey and have really begun to honor my desire for deeper connection with other women, I'm noticing I can really leverage this time.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I feel more playful, more open to girls' nights, more open to trying new things, checking out new places, having new experiences.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I notice that I tend to joke more during this part of my cycle, and I tend to be a lot more playful.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And this can also be a tender part of the cycle.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've noticed that when I prioritize social time here, and maybe it's not with the right people, it's not as nourishing.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's true at any point in the cycle because there's more tenderness in this part specifically.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I find social interaction with the right people to be much more nourishing here.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because estrogen has been shown by research it's linked to a sharper accuracy in reading other people's emotions.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And several studies found that women tend to pick up on social and emotional cues more easily during the follicular phase.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that fascinating?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so to me, this makes sense that this would be a natural window for that deeper connection to feel more available.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I've also shared here on the show before, and I will share it again and again, again, oxytocin is the primary regulator of the female nervous system.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if you notice a desire to spend more time with other women here, I'd encourage you to honor it.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's a physiological component to our bodies that genuinely needs this connection.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I took a class with Veronica Rottman from Waking Womb and love her work.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: She talked about this idea of cross-pollinating, how as women, we need to cross-pollinate.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Back in early societies, we lived in villages, so we had more opportunity to go out, to connect with other women, to learn from them, to share stories with each other.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: And because of the way we live now, we don't really have those same built-in opportunities.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: We have to try a little harder to go out and create them and build time in our schedule for them.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, we end up isolated at home on our phones, just absorbed in our own experience.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: This can also be a good time career-wise to network, to maybe go out to an event, to try something local.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned, it's also a wonderful time to try new things, which can maybe make making new friends and meeting new people easier here.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I find myself way more open to that during this part of my cycle.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: On the home front, during this part of my cycle, I'm usually not having many challenges with my partner.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm married, for those of you who don't know.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: My husband and I have been together for about 12 years and been married for four.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is the part of the cycle where we usually have more fun because I'm feeling more joyful and free, and he's really able to ride that energy with me.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's usually a lot more laughter and joy and silliness in our home during this time.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I find I don't usually have much conflict in my inner spring.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not to say I never do.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually remembering something that just happened not too long ago in my inner spring.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not foolproof, y'all.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Generally speaking, though, this is the time.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it's really about who I'm with, being mindful, spending it with the right people, and also being mindful of the tenderness that can arise here.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then we'll move into the ovulation time or the inner summer.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this one's interesting.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: My experience may be unique to me.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it is.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: For me, much like the bleeding time, I actually enjoy a lot more space here.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I begin to prioritize the relationship with myself a little bit more.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not to say I don't socialize, but because of where I am hormonally, it can be really challenging for me to spend time with people if I'm having symptoms that are bringing discomfort.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I find my relationship with nature was one of the most supportive relationships for me during this time, getting outside, taking walks.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: I also find my relationship with my art to be really supportive during this time, spending time really devoting to my craft, whether it's dancing or painting or singing.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I am spending time with people, I can be quite emotional here, not in the sense of grieving or sadness, but more so being so deeply touched and moved by music and beauty and by really sweet interactions with my students or clients and my friends.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: This can be a time where I can drop into that deeper, heartfelt connection where I really want to prioritize emotional intimacy with whoever I'm with, whether that's myself, my partner, or a close friend.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is also, of course, the ovulation time.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you might see an increase in libido.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll often experience this in the days leading up to ovulation.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: So this could be a time where you might want to prioritize your romantic partnership or just non-romantic play, if that's where you're at.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe conception, if that's where you're at.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever phase of your life you're in, this is a really juicy time, pun intended, and it makes sense because through the lens of traditional Chinese medicine, the organ associated with this phase is the heart.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Intimacy and heartfelt connection really feels like a theme fit for that.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: As for conflict, I usually don't have much here.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: At least nothing stands out to me.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Although I am going to have, excuse me, if I am going to have a hard conversation with someone, this might actually be a good time to do it because there is more of that buffer in my system with estrogen.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: I have more resource to share, to listen, to say the hard thing, to be uncomfortable.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: If there's conflict in a relationship, maybe you have something that you need to say, this might be a place in your cycle to prioritize that conversation.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Last will end with the pre-menstrual phase, which I feel is probably where most relationship challenges show up.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: And look, it's kind of great in a roundabout way because the premenstrual time is a period where we get to deal with unfinished business.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: If there's been things happening in the cycle we haven't dealt with, this is when we get the opportunity to come back to them.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: This part of the cycle can be challenging.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think for many women with PMS symptoms, we've all felt that premenstrual rage, the irritability, the frustration, all of that can arise here.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes sense because on a physiological level, there's a real shift happening inside.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: As estrogen begins to decline, we lose that buffer in our system and we can become quite raw.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually, if I'm being honest, I enjoy that rawness.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: It gives way to a real truth.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: As estrogen and progesterone drop in the days leading up to menstruation, the emotional buffering that these hormones offer, it starts to fade.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why this part of the cycle can feel so much more raw.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is why we can be much more reactive during this part of our cycle.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if there's things that you haven't said over the last few weeks, this is a time in the cycle where they're more likely to come out.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because you literally can't help it.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's no filter, no buffer, and we can say things very matter-of-factly in a very truth-giving type of way.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's part of the magic and the beauty of the premenstrual time to me.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Depending on who you need to have a conversation with, this could be an interesting time for a truth-telling conversation, either with a romantic partner, a friend, or even yourself.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's also, because of that hormonal shift, less interest in the outside world.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: We might feel the need to withdraw, and maybe you don't feel like socializing as much.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might notice you actually benefit from a little more time with other women here because of that heightened sensitivity, and because we need oxytocin to regulate our system, we might feel the desire to produce more of it through social connection.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time where I can get pretty irritated with my husband.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I'm not alone.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen plenty of reels on Instagram confirming other women feel this way too.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a truth to that.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: And there's this deeper layer here for me as well before I go further, that is linked to the patriarchy and this sort of century old rage and anger and hurt and pain that women have gone through for centuries.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think that kind of plays a role too.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of gives me this like down with the patriarchy sort of vibe.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes that's why if you're in a heteronormative relationship, I think that's where sometimes that rage can really come from.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, sure, maybe you are really annoyed about dishes in the sink.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's about so much more than just the dishes in the sink.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time in the cycle where we can't really hide or ignore things.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Usually when that irritation does come up, I see it more as a signpost.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: I see it as a time for me to start pulling back and stepping away and begin coming back to myself to step away from being so focused on the outside world and starting to turn that attention into the inner world.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than seeing it as something wrong with the relationship, something to fix or cause a big argument over, I simply see it as a time that I need to separate myself so that I can begin that inward journey.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're going to have relationship challenges, I almost guarantee that they're coming up in this part of your cycle.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: So next time you get into an argument with your significant other, check where you are in your cycle.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd get really curious to know what tracking that looks like in your own lived experience.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like you need more support during this space, you could start by slowing down, taking some alone time, spending some quality time with girlfriends who can maybe help you produce more of that oxytocin, or maybe booking in for a therapy session.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is usually where I like to stack my therapy sessions, my cranial, sacral therapy sessions, all of it's happening usually in this part of my cycle.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: These are just some of the patterns I've noticed across my own cycle in regard to relationships.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as we move through Libra season, I'll invite you to notice how they show up in your world too.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: If today's episode felt interesting, helpful, or insightful, I want to make you aware of my menstrual cycle coaching package called Synchronize.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is a four-month somatic menstrual cycle coaching package.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's a mouthful, and it makes sense because this program is kind of a mouthful.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's a level of depth and magic and meaning and beauty, and it's an incredibly powerful container for transformation and for really coming to understand your body and your cycle on a somatic spiritual level.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've been really fortunate to work with a few women this year after going through my menstrual cycle training, and it truly is such a gift to share menstrual cycle awareness with other women.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's something so healing for me and so beautiful, hopeful in helping women remember this wisdom that already lives inside of them.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're interested, you'll find the link in the show notes with more information on Synchronize.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: As with any of my offers, the first step is booking your somatic assessment and care planning session.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I'll learn more about you, your goals, your desires, what's been coming up for you.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you decide to move forward with Synchronize in the first 14 days of that session,$75 of it goes towards your care pack.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find all of that link for you in the show notes.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really fun episode for me to reflect on.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for your attention.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that you found today's episode helpful in some way.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I look forward to connecting with you in the next one.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.