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S4E5 - Why Is My Child Always Fighting for Control? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I answer real parenting questions about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  Today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Grace.
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  Thank you for the email,
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  Grace.
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  And this is about,
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  she's actually been providing her
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  daughter with choices for quite a long time.
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  Her daughter's in therapy
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  and she actually also participated in the
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  CCPT based parent coaching program as well.
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  And they're still struggling with
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  the daughter's power struggles.
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  So,
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  really interesting question.
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  Thank you,
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  Grace,
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  for the email.
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  So let me read parts of it and then we will dive in together.
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  I honestly do choices all day with my 5 year old daughter.
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  I'm suspecting she is PDA.
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  Currently on
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  a cruise holiday,
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  she's waking earlier and earlier demanding food,
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  refusing to eat dinner.
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  We said the first day when it happened,
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  if she chose to wake everyone up tomorrow before 6:30
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  because it was a 5:30 a.m. wake up the first day,
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  she'd miss the next fun thing,
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  which could be swimming,
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  ice cream by the pool,
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  etc.
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  We're now day eight of it happening and.
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  She just doesn't seem to care.
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  Telling her,
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  you'll wake the cabin neighbors,
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  she doesn't care.
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  Today was the worst yet,
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  being 4:45 a.m.
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  I can't force her to be quiet
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  and miss out on stuff.
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  She just doesn't seem to care.
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  I had to leave the cabin with her,
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  and we just sat on the pool deck waiting for
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  it to be a reasonable hour and then had breakfast.
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  It's almost like she has to win at everything,
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  and I'm out of ideas.
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  Since I sent that email,
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  we are now home.
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  This is a follow-up update,
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  by the way.
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  Since I sent that email,
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  we are now home.
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  Her sleep has gotten a bit better,
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  but she is really working through something,
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  so many tantrums and actually hitting and being very spiteful,
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  like,
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  I will take your Mother's Day present back and break it,
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  and said some shocking things.
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  I will kill you.
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  I will kill myself.
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  Parents
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  We watched a movie on the cruise called Over the Hedge,
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  and a very menacing bear told a raccoon he was going to kill him.
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  I said,
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  Yeah,
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  you're feeling so upset that your brother doesn't want to play with you
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  during the moment.
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  I managed to get a lot of the tantrum on film,
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  which I sent to our play therapist for comment.
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  She gave me some tweaks to my scripts,
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  but also said,
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  quote,
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  She's working through something.
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  Hopefully it comes up in the playroom.
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  We don't have any diagnoses,
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  but I just can't get PDA off my mind.
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  I guess maybe I'm clutching at straws for something to explain these behaviors.
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  I also wondered if the choices she gets all day were almost like a demand.
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  I probably should have mentioned we homeschool so she doesn't have
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  outside stress or picking up these behaviors from other kids.
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  OK.
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  So,
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  Grace,
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  let's start with
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  your daughter's 5,
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  and
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  it seems as though she's probably highly anxious,
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  either nature or nurture.
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  In other words,
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  born with an anxious predisposition
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  and or experiences have also exacerbated
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  the
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  anxious nature.
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  So
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  when you have a highly anxious child,
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  you also have a highly demanding child
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  because
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  to make a child feel better who is anxious,
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  they try to grasp at control.
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  So they want things their way.
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  They want it done how they want it done.
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  They have very little
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  tolerance for anything vague or nebulous
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  or unknown.
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  They want to be in charge of everything.
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  So,
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  my gut tells me listening to this,
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  that I believe that she is probably a highly anxious kid.
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  That makes sense with the power struggle dynamic that you're describing.
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  Let me share a little personal story about the cruise.
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  I don't know if you had an interior cabin,
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  but we only had an interior stateroom one time
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  with our son on a cruise.
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  And what happened during that interior stateroom cruise,
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  there was no window,
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  so you couldn't open your eyes and see,
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  oh,
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  it's light outside,
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  it's morning,
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  or,
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  oh no,
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  it's still dark,
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  it's still nighttime,
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  and his sleep got so out of whack
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  because our body's natural sleep cycle,
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  we roll over or we,
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  we shift the sheet or the blanket
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  or we whatever,
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  we open our eyes,
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  we get a sense of,
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  OK,
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  it's still nighttime.
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  I still need to be sleeping.
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  Then all of a sudden that goes away.
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  Now,
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  if you had a,
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  a window in your room,
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  a cabin with a
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  porthole or,
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  or a sliding glass door or whatever,
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  there are other reasons as well.
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  Often when kids get off of schedule.
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  So was she staying up later?
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  Was she more exhausted by the end of the day?
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  Overexhaustion actually often manifests itself in hyperactivity.
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  So they're actually so tired that they can't fall asleep,
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  they can't stay asleep.
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  So I'm hearing,
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  although this seemed like a power struggle because
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  you kept saying don't wake us up and don't be loud when you wake up,
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  and she would wake up early and she would be loud.
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  I understand that part of it was a power control thing.
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  But I don't think she was willingly waking up.
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  I think that was her body's
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  adjustment to
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  either the room or
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  the
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  over fatigue
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  or the different schedule,
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  the different environment.
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  Everything is different when you're on a cruise.
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  You eat at different times,
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  you do different things.
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  You're out in the sun,
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  you're swimming all day,
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  you're going on excursions,
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  you're going to shows.
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  That's very overstimulating.
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  So I suspect that her body was just completely out of sorts.
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  So we can't be frustrated
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  by the behavior.
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  It is not easy to tolerate by any means,
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  but we can't be frustrated by the behavior
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  when it's a byproduct of the circumstance.
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  She didn't choose to go on the cruise.
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  She didn't choose for her body to get all out of sorts.
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  So that's something that we just have to adjust.
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  For us,
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  I said we will never again have an interior cabin,
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  and we never have since.
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  So that was my way of adjusting moving forward.
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  But
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  that vacation cruise was difficult for us because our
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  son was waking up at 234 in the morning,
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  and we were like,
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  No,
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  no,
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  no,
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  it's bedtime,
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  and he did not think it was bedtime.
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  He was ready to get up and go do something.
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  So I've been there and I know that that can be frustrating,
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  but I don't think that was a willful decision on your daughter's part.
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  OK,
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  so now coming home.
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  She has been sleeping better,
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  but she's working through something,
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  so she has tantrums and she's hitting and she's saying,
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  I'll take your Mother's Day present back and break it.
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  All of those are power and control grabs.
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  So we have to filter down the behavior
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  because we could say that they're all isolated,
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  but what we're actually seeing is
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  all of this is related to a power and control grab.
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  I don't feel like I have a measure of power and control,
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  so therefore I'm going to take it wherever I can get.
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  When I get upset,
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  when I get overwhelmed,
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  when I get disregulated,
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  when something happens,
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  I don't want to be vulnerable.
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  We all avoid being vulnerable,
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  but especially anxious kids.
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  To the hilt will avoid being vulnerable.
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  So instead of saying,
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  I'm scared,
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  I'm nervous,
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  I'm disappointed,
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  I'm embarrassed,
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  I feel guilty,
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  I'm ashamed,
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  I,
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  whatever she might be feeling,
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  she's going to grasp at power through being aggressive and angry.
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  She's not actually angry or aggressive.
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  That's the mask.
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  Because you feel really powerful
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  when you can threaten someone.
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  You feel really powerful when you say,
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  Fine,
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  I just won't give you a Mother's Day present.
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  You feel really powerful when you hit or kick someone.
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  It's maladaptive coping
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  and it's a masking strategy.
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  I don't want you to know that I'm actually being really vulnerable right now.
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  I'm going to cover it up.
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  So we often see that angry aggression
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  as a way to deal with what's actually going on at a much deeper level.
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  So
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  when
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  You got some tweaks for your scripts from the play therapist.
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  I'm encouraged to hear that.
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  Hopefully that gave you some insight.
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  I don't
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  hear what you're describing in this,
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  that this is PDA.
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  And obviously I'm only getting a snippet of
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  what's going on because I just got a tiny bit in an email,
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  but
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  I don't see
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  PDA diagnosis warranted here.
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  I think this is a highly anxious,
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  highly power and control hungry kid,
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  and I know you said that you give choices all day long.
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  It seems as though potentially
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  she's not being given choices over the things that she actually wants control over.
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  In other words,
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  you know,
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  does she really care about what
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  book she reads?
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  If you're giving her a choice for that,
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  that may not be her currency.
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  Does she really care
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  about what she eats for lunch or dinner?
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  That may not be her currency.
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  But when she gets really frustrated,
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  when she gets really emotional,
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  when she gets really
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  disregulated,
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  Are you giving choices that
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  are appropriate for that scenario?
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  Because remember,
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  we have empowerment choices
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  just for the sake of giving a child a choice,
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  but then we have enforcement choices
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  tied to a limit.
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  So when she says to her brother,
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  I'm going to kill you.
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  You said you're feeling upset that your brother doesn't want to play with you.
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  OK,
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  so that's the first part of the limit setting.
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  That's validating and helping her feel
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  seen,
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  heard,
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  and understood.
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  Very helpful.
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  High five on,
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  on that,
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  Grace.
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  But I'm curious if you said
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  your brother is never for hitting.
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  Your brother is never for hitting.
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  You're upset,
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  but your brother is never for hitting.
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  Your brother is never for saying that you will hurt him.
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  Your brother is never for saying that you're going to kill him.
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  OK.
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  Are we setting limits in those moments
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  and then are we providing choices?
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  Because we can't expect a child to change
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  their behavior if they don't have an alternative.
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  We're the same way.
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  Have you ever tried to break a habit?
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  I want to
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  I don't know,
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  gosh,
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  I wanna stop sitting on the couch and I wanna actually,
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  you know,
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  start doing some kind of exercise.
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  Well,
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  you can say that,
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  you can believe it,
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  you can want it,
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  you can have that as a goal,
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  but when you're sitting on the couch,
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  you have to have something to replace that activity with.
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  So just because you say,
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  I don't want to sit on the couch all night,
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  if you don't say,
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  instead of sitting on the couch,
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  I'm going to
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  fill in the blank,
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  we have to transfer one activity to the other when we're trying to change behavior.
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  So if her default is to make threats and get angry and get aggressive,
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  we can't just say your brother is never for
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  hitting or your brother is never for hurting.
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  We have to say
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  you can choose to come tell me
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  that
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  you're upset that he won't play with you,
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  or you can choose to tell him.
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  You,
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  I'm angry at you.
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  Or
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  if it's,
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  I really need to just hit something,
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  you can choose to go punch your pillow,
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  or you can choose to go punch stuffed animals in your room,
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  which do you choose?
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  We're trying to always make sure that
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  we're providing appropriate alternatives to the need.
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  Is the need just she wants to feel understood?
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  Those would be different alternatives versus I need to hit something.
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  I need to scream
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  about something.
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  You can choose to go scream in your pillow,
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  or you can choose to go out in the backyard and scream.
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  Which do you choose?
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  OK,
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  we're trying to make sure,
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  hey,
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  you're not wrong
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  for being upset.
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  You're not wrong for being angry,
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  you're not wrong for feeling like you need to get this out.
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  But there are appropriate options
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  that are provided as choices.
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  So when you say,
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  I wonder if the choices she gets all day have become like a demand,
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  I'm questioning whether maybe she's not getting choices
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  about the behaviors that are actually the most concerning.
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  So that would be my suggestion.
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  And if you want to send me a follow-up email and fill me in,
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  if you think that's true or not,
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  that'd be helpful.
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  But,
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  OK,
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  you know,
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  uh,
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  we're a homeschooling family too,
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  so we know that this is,
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  she's not picking this up from other kids.
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  We know that she's not going to school and being exposed to things.
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  So,
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  this is absolutely
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  a nature and a nurture kind of scenario.
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  Some kids are wired
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  to
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  be a little more contrary.
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  Some kids are wired to be a little more anxious.
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  Some kids are wired to be a little bit more aggressive.
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  The goal of interacting with kids in a child-centered fashion,
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  whether through play therapy or through parenting.
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  We honor who the child is.
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  We're not trying to take the aggression away.
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  We're not trying to take the anxiety away.
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  We're not trying to change their personality.
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  We're trying to help them get to a point where they're
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  regulated
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  and balanced,
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  and those predispositions don't interfere with normal everyday functioning.
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  There are plenty of people that have a
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  bent toward anxiety,
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  but it doesn't cripple them.
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  It doesn't stop them from doing things.
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  It doesn't interfere in a negative way.
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  There's plenty of people that are more aggressive
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  than others or more angry than others.
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  They find ways to channel it appropriately,
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  and it doesn't interfere
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  with their relationships or with their productivity or whatever.
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  So the goal is balance.
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  Your daughter may not be
• 12:41
  that like very easygoing,
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  laid back,
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  everything is OK kind of kid.
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  She doesn't have to be
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  The goal is that she
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  self-actualizes,
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  becomes a better version of herself,
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  so that she realizes
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  I can stay in control,
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  I can stay calm,
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  I can get my needs met
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  through acknowledging how I feel,
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  recognizing how I feel.
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  And I know
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  how to behave in self-enhancing ways.
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  Those are the goals.
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  So,
• 13:09
  Grace,
• 13:09
  I hope that's helpful.
• 13:10
  I hope that's helpful for all of you.
• 13:12
  If you have a question you'd like me to answer,
• 13:13
  please reach out.
• 13:14
  I'd love to hear from you,
• 13:15
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com
• 13:17
  You can also,
• 13:17
  if you're in the States,
• 13:18
  call 813-812-5525 and leave a voicemail,
• 13:22
  and then I can answer your question that way.
• 13:24
  I love you all.
• 13:24
  Keep loving on your kids.
• 13:25
  Have a great week.
• 13:26
  We'll talk again soon.
• 13:27
  Bye.
• 13:29
  Thank you for listening to
• 13:30
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 13:34
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:37
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.