Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / Why Women Apologize More at Work and How to Stop
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I was scanning through my inbox this morning and I noticed something. I had an email from a senior product manager I respect a lot — she prefaced her feedback with 'Sorry to nitpick, but...' and I thought, why is she apologizing for doing her job? Luna: Oh, that hits close to home. I catch myself doing it too. 'Sorry for the long email,' 'Sorry to jump in,' even 'Sorry, but I have a question.' Lucas: Right, and this is such a well-documented pattern. Linguist Deborah Tannen has been studying this for decades — how women use more hedging and apologetic language in professional settings. But I think most of us still don't realize how often we do it. Luna: If this episode helps even a few of us rethink that reflex, it’ll be worth it. And honestly, if it was worth a coffee to you, you can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That little bit of support keeps these shows ad-free. Lucas: Yeah, we appreciate that more than we can say. So let's dig in. There was a 2018 study in the Journal of Social Psychology that looked at workplace emails — they found women used apology-related words 37 percent more often than men. Thirty-seven percent. Luna: That's a staggering number. And I bet it's even higher in certain industries. I remember reading that in tech, women in engineering roles are especially prone to apologizing before stating a technical opinion. Lucas: Exactly. And the thing is, it's not just about politeness. It's about perceived authority. When you start a sentence with 'Sorry,' you're signaling that your contribution might be an imposition. Over time, that erodes how seriously people take you. Luna: There's also the double bind — if a woman doesn't apologize enough, she's seen as aggressive. If she apologizes too much, she's seen as weak. You can't win. Lucas: That's the trap. But I think we can at least be more intentional. One practical tip I've heard is to swap 'sorry' for 'thank you.' Instead of 'Sorry for the delay,' say 'Thank you for your patience.' It changes the dynamic entirely. Luna: I love that reframe. It shifts from apologizing for a flaw to expressing gratitude. I've been trying it myself — it feels awkward at first, but it works. Lucas: A Fexingo listener named Priya wrote in about this. She's a project manager in Chicago, and she said she used a rubber band on her wrist for two weeks — every time she said 'sorry' unnecessarily, she snapped it. She went from apologizing about twenty times a day to just four. Luna: That's a real behavioral change. And it's not about never apologizing — if you actually made a mistake, apologize. But we're talking about the reflexive, preemptive apologies. Lucas: Right. So what are the most common ones? I think 'Sorry to bother you' is probably the number one. Or 'I hate to ask, but...' — both frame a legitimate request as a burden. Luna: And 'Sorry to interrupt' — even when the interruption is warranted, like in a meeting where someone is dominating the conversation. Women will apologize before they reassert themselves. Lucas: There's a great example from a Harvard Business Review piece a few years ago. A female executive noticed that in her team's weekly status meetings, the women always started their updates with 'I just wanted to quickly mention...' or 'Sorry, but I have an update...' The men just said 'Here's where we are.' Luna: And the difference in perceived confidence is huge. The same content delivered with an apology sounds less authoritative. It's like you're shrinking before you even start. Lucas: So what's the fix? I think awareness is step one. Record yourself in a meeting or ask a trusted colleague to count your apologies. You might be shocked. Luna: Step two is to have a script. Instead of 'Sorry, but I disagree,' say 'I see it differently. Here's why.' Instead of 'Sorry for the confusion,' say 'Let me clarify.' Lucas: It's a small language shift, but it changes the power dynamic. You're not asking for permission to speak — you're stating your perspective. Luna: I do want to push back a little, though. If the burden is always on women to change their language, aren't we just adapting to a system that penalizes us? Shouldn't we also talk about how managers can create environments where women don't feel the need to apologize? Lucas: Absolutely. This is not about blaming women. It's about giving them tools while also naming the structural issue. Managers can help by not rewarding apologetic language — by saying 'You don't need to apologize for that opinion.' Luna: Exactly. And there's research showing that when women do stop apologizing, they sometimes face backlash — they're seen as 'too direct' or 'not a team player.' So it's not a simple fix. Lucas: That's the reality. But I think the long-term solution is cultural. The more women who claim space without apology, the more normal it becomes. And the more men who call out unnecessary apologies from anyone, regardless of gender. Luna: I had a male colleague once who started flagging whenever I said 'sorry' in a meeting — he'd say 'No apology needed, what's your point?' It was a little embarrassing at first, but it trained me to stop. Lucas: That's a good ally behavior. It takes the pressure off the individual and creates a team norm. So let's talk about some concrete swaps listeners can start using tomorrow. Luna: Sure. For 'Sorry I'm late,' try 'Thank you for waiting.' For 'Sorry to ask,' try 'I have a question.' For 'Sorry for the confusion,' try 'Let me rephrase.' Lucas: And for 'Sorry to bother you' — which I think is the hardest one to kill — try 'Do you have a moment?' It's direct and respectful without the apology. Luna: Another one I hear a lot: 'Sorry, this might be a dumb question.' Women pre-apologize for their curiosity. Just say 'I have a question about X.' Lucas: Right. And if you're in a meeting and someone asks 'Does anyone have questions?' — don't say 'Sorry, I just have one more thing...' Just say 'I have a follow-up.' Luna: I think it also helps to reframe your internal narrative. When you feel the urge to apologize, ask yourself: Did I actually do something wrong? If not, don't say sorry. Lucas: That's a great litmus test. And if you did do something wrong — sure, apologize. But then move on. Don't over-apologize by saying 'I'm so sorry, I feel terrible, please forgive me.' One sincere apology is enough. Luna: So let's bring it back to the listener. If you're a woman who apologizes excessively, what's one thing you can do today? Lucas: I'd say pick one situation — maybe email or a recurring meeting — and commit to one swap. Replace 'sorry' with 'thank you' or just delete the apology word altogether. Track it for a week. Luna: And if you're a manager, start noticing how often your team apologizes. Give feedback that doesn't punish directness. Encourage people to state their ideas without preambles. Lucas: Ultimately, this is about claiming your expertise. You were hired for your skills, not for how politely you can deliver them. So own it. Luna: I think that's a good place to leave it. Next episode we're talking about something I know a lot of listeners struggle with — how to say no at work without feeling guilty. Lucas: That's a perfect follow-up. Until then, maybe try catching yourself once today. Just once. And see how it feels.