Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 244. What NOT to Say to Your Struggling Adult Child with Coaches Hayley Caddes & Colin MacDonald

Transcript

244. What NOT to Say to Your Struggling Adult Child with Coaches Hayley Caddes & Colin MacDonald · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the mid-life mama podcast, The Plates, for Faith, Friendship, and Real Talk for Intenest Moms.
• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Pamela Hinkhamen, and I'm so glad you tuned in.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Moms, when our adult kids are struggling, it can be so hard to know what to say.
• 0:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to encourage them, help them, and maybe even fix the problem because that's what we've done the most of their lives.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: But sometimes the words we offer with the best intentions and leave our adult kids healing this understanding.
• 0:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: or even more alone.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today, I'm talking with Hayley Cadus and Colin McDonnell, founders of NAFB, a coaching group that supports young adults as they navigate difficult seasons.
• 0:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're hearing from two young adults and we're talking about what's struggling, young adults really lead from their moms, and what we should stop saying and how we can become a safe, steady presence when life feels hard for them.
• 0:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome Hayley and Cole.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: But first of all, love you to tell our listeners a little bit about this amazing coaching program.
• 1:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: What you do?
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you got started?
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'll start it off.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thanks.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Haley and I have found it not therapy about almost three years ago and it's been quite the journey.
• 1:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Not even in the three years, but before that, it's really founded on Haley and I's lived experience of the things that we struggled with when we were teens during adults.
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: In the spectrum of what struggle looks like, I would say we were on the very heavy struggle side, both Haley and I, and I speak for myself before I was 16, I went to eight psych wards, I went to rehab and then from 16 to 18, I went to wilderness therapy for three months, and then I went to therapy for 40 school for 18 months.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: Haley was, we didn't know each other, what was struggling with the same things at the same time.
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: And let's say by the grace of God,
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we had one conversation and we talked about our life stories and it sounded very similar and we both kind of had this calling to help the younger versions of ourselves when we were going through it we both had been saying to our parents I we just want someone that has gone through this that can be a mentor to me that is telling me that maybe what I'm going through is feel it might not feel normal, but it is normal in a lot of ways.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so we've really made it our mission to.
• 2:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: create a company through lived experience mentorship.
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: So at this point, we have a team of 10.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: At first, it was just Haley and I trying to figure it out, mentoring a young adults in their families.
• 2:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: But now we have a team of 10 where every single person on our team, the one thing we look for to start is the lived experience piece.
• 2:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: What did they overcome in their teenage years?
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're early 20s that now allows them to be guides for
• 2:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: teensy young adults that we work with in our organization and it's been quite the journey obviously with the team being the size it is and we've been able to impact thousands of parents through podcasts like yours Pamela as well as the work we do with our clients we've probably meant to work close to a hundred families at this point and it's also not just advocating for the senior young adult and what they're going through but also helping the parents think about things differently and you know what a family comes to us and they're stuck
• 3:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Obviously, the kid is stuck, but what the parents have been doing also hasn't been working, so helping them reframe and also teaching their kid out of shop differently, but as well as the parents, and that's really what our secret sauce is.
• 3:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know if you'd add anything, Haley.
• 3:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think me, like Collin said, just built this for the younger versions of ourselves and are really trying to fill this gap that I'm sure you feel with your kids, your listeners feel, which is there's a real lack of kind of day to day support in the mental health care system in general, everything's kind of weekly therapy or your central program.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there's not much in between, and especially for young people, where we're looking to build momentum really, and sometimes a traditional therapy, mental health care, it can take a really long time to get there, where with not there if you were like, what can we do to help young people trust us and just really get quick wins?
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that they can build that momentum and just launch themselves into their adult life that they're excited about living.
• 4:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's beautiful.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Get momentum.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes that's what our kids who are struggling needs, they need a win.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then be someone to say, you can do this.
• 4:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can do this.
• 4:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, you work closely with young adults who are walking through difficult seasons.
• 4:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: What are they telling you about the way their parents respond when they're struggling?
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do they wish their moms understood?
• 4:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: I would say one thing, and when we look at the dynamics of just parents in general, what we find is in most cases, the mother is super nurturing and just wants to fix the problem as quickly as possible, but that changes when they become a young adult, right?
• 5:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'd sure tons of moms on this podcast that are listening, when your kid turns 18,
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're immediately in their 18-year-old minds.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, I'm going to dull now, treat me like an adult.
• 5:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's a respectable thing to want, but when we, as a parent, look at our kids, and we think about what an adult means, they don't understand the full spectrum of that, right?
• 5:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so,
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's a big jump for a movie like an adult who what an adult is and an adult is independent.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: I adults paying their bills.
• 5:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're paying for their car insurance.
• 5:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're investing in a 401k or something like that.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so I think a lot of times the parents and moms in particular look at it over you're not an adult.
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: but they want to be treated like an adult, but we need to figure out what the middle ground is of, what does it mean to be an 18-year-old, 19-year-old, 20-year-old as an adult?
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: And what do they want their mom to be showing up for them?
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: That is that momentum piece, right?
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's really hard to go from, let's say like a failure to launch to delay the independence to being an independent adult.
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so,
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: We see with parents when they start getting it more, is looking at where does the momentum lie?
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right?
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: If your kid needs a job, which would be a huge momentum, it's hard for them to go from not having a job to having a full-time job.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: So how do moms look for little wins?
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh man, my kid updated their resume today.
• 6:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: And they hadn't done that in multiple months or...
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow, my kid actually dropped his resume off or their resume off at five different places.
• 6:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And how do we view that and encourage that behavior because in order to build self-confidence and I want moms to hear this in,
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: a teen, older teen, or young adult is by them falling through with the things that they tell themselves they're going to do.
• 6:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think parents think that they're on different planets than they're kids sometimes, but your kid usually wants the same thing as you, but for so long you've been the one kind of telling them.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: You need to do this, and this is what you're supposed to do.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: You're essentially the director of their life until they turn 18.
• 7:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so we want parents and moms to shift of how do you become the guide for their life and asking them what they think it is that they want.
• 7:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: And what they want is probably not what you think they want.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: It might be pretty basic.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: It might be like, hey, I want to move out.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want to...
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: make more friends.
• 7:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want to have a job.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so that how do we break those things down into small actionable steps and encourage them to take those?
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because when you're encouraging them to do the things that they say they want, it's not you telling them what you want.
• 7:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's you encouraging them on the things that they want.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so that's how you start to build self-confidence because you're encouraging them to fall through with the things that they tell themselves they're
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: It becomes this other shift where you're not just telling them things and then when they're not doing it, they're not meeting your expectations, but when you're encouraging them with the things that they tell themselves they're going to want.
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: The conversation says, what's stopping you from doing the things that you want?
• 8:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is not what something I want.
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is something that you want.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I would say that's one of the biggest shifts that we see is if a mom can start during those things, that we really see that a kid will then or a young adult will say,
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's so good.
• 8:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what I hear you saying is, it's not about what the mom wants and actually about seeing to your adult child, what is it that you want?
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do you really want right now?
• 8:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then go down, I'm for that.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think it's going important that if a mom doesn't understand that she needs to move to the directing role to the stoning role, he is going to be so difficult.
• 8:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think one thing that can help with that kind of shift in mindset is also really internalizing and believing that your child, your adult child can do the things that they actually wanna do.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we see that so Austin and Colin and I, I think we're lucky enough where our parents, our own parents actually, after we had these kind of troubled teen years, we were really at a point where our parents said, but you've done the work, you're kind of on your own, we're here to support you, but we believe in you, essentially, is what they were saying and how they were acting more importantly.
• 9:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what we see was so many parents in general and moms today and maybe they've been told their kid has some neurodivergent diagnosis, maybe they've been just doing stuff for their kid forever.
• 9:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they just are not in the mindset yet of being in that supporting role.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: What bonds are going from this directing to supporting role, I just think it's so important to really act as if even if you maybe don't quite yet believe that your kid might be capable of doing these really big or hard things such as moving out supporting themselves, etc.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think the more you can project to your kid.
• 10:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You've got this.
• 10:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I believe in you.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm here to help you.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: However, you think like I can be most helpful to you, but
• 10:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think a lot of moms we see are just so caught up and being like, my kid can't do that.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're incapable, they'll never be able to do that.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's like, okay, yeah, and especially if you're good still, I mean, at home, they're going to be picking up on that energy.
• 10:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so they're not going to believe in themselves.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think leading by example, there is really key.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I agree, I think that's so important.
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we have to lend our adult kids our confidence.
• 10:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can do this, check off it.
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: people can change.
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: We need our adults to know.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will leave it you.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wonderful.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so let's get to the nitty gritty of the things that moms who want our adult child is hurting.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our mom instinct is the often fix it and what are some things moms say with good intentions that can actually make an adult child feel misunderstood, pressured,
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: one thing is just really almost believing, like he's that why aren't you doing this thing, right?
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: You're almost just expecting them by the things that you're saying, like every normal kid makes their bed in the morning or every kid your age has a job.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think a lot of that lies in, and we ask parents to reflect on this, like what is the difference between how the parents were raised or the moms were raised and how their kid is raised, right?
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: And just realizing that.
• 11:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: in saying those things, you're enforcing that there's something wrong with your kid because you're being so nitty-gritty in all the small things that they're doing wrong instead of focusing on the things that they're potentially doing right.
• 11:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that's where I implore every mom to reflect on how old were you when you got your first job and usually it's
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: much younger than this generation's getting a job, right?
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so I think it's confusing sometimes when a mom is projecting something because of how they were raised compared to how this generation's being raised and not realizing that it's a lot different than it was when they were growing up.
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So pressure feels like being nitpicky.
• 12:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: What are the things do moms say that makes an adult child feel miss understood or pressured?
• 12:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do you think?
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: If they like, you've already touched on this, but anything where you are immediately trying to fix the problem for them, like, quite often, especially if your kid has struggled with their mental health at some point.
• 12:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: your animals may be the same as your kid actually.
• 12:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's say that's independence, but the path to getting there might look totally different and there are just ways they've grown up that parents and this is every generation aren't going to understand.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so
• 13:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I really want parents to understand that when you're asking your kid, what do they want?
• 13:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, how can they get there?
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: If they're asking you for ideas, great.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Give the advice, try to help them problem solve.
• 13:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you're, if they're like, okay, I want more friends and you're like, okay, just go like, join a club or like a gym or something.
• 13:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, that's not really
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: helpful here.
• 13:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: They really need someone to I think more reflect back what they're saying rather than jumping in and trying to solve the problem.
• 13:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just being like that sounds really hard.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: What you're going through feeling like you don't have friends right now that does sound really hard.
• 13:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do you think?
• 13:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do you think you want to do about that if anything?
• 13:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
• 13:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hayley, I think you said probably one of the most important phrases.
• 13:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You said, mom, we've flexed back what they're staying.
• 13:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of offering a solution or a fix, we can, if a child says, I don't know how to make friends, you can say.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I bet that's really hard for you not being able to make friends.
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Tell me more about that.
• 14:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Youth, phrase, tell me more about that.
• 14:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Tell me more about that.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes, moms will say, they won't talk to me.
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: How can a mom make a child feel more comfortable?
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think actually I was just talking to a family about this yesterday, if you're noticing all of your conversations with your, especially adult child is centered around like what I like to call admin like things they need to do and like things that they aren't doing good enough and whatnot and it's just like that's the whole focus of most of conversations, especially when you feel like your kid isn't really talking to you, so you're like I've to get in all this information like the one time they're calling me or the one time they're talking to me.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now your kid knows or feels consciously or subconsciously, that's how all these conversations are going to go and I call mom when I talk to mom.
• 14:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just going to get like a laundry list of things to do and I'm already struggling doing just the basic things I want to do with my life so I'm not going to open up to you.
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to you.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to be my first call.
• 15:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to necessarily feel safe.
• 15:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: to get kind of deep with you and tell you how I'm actually feeling.
• 15:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I would say like the less kind of, what can you let go of, Adam and flies of like just letting your good kind of fail, let go of the outcomes, talk about that less, right?
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then actually ask with curiosity, not like super deep questions at first, but right here.
• 15:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: How is your morning like how was your morning?
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: It can literally be something like that.
• 15:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to jump from, did you do your laundry to like, why don't you have any friends?
• 15:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like too much.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: One thing I was gonna add with that is that when we look at a young adult that feels stuck, right?
• 15:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want moms to look at what would it look like when they do become independent?
• 15:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: And think about all the things that you're doing that are admin for them.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: that they would eventually have to do by themselves and figuring out a way that you can essentially empower them to start doing the things with the idea of them becoming independent.
• 16:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: So, they're laundry, picking up their dishes after them.
• 16:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Those are the things that if they don't do it and as a mom it's like it'll be easier for me to competing on their independence, right?
• 16:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so just like looking at those things like that, Haley is mentioning as admin of, okay, let's say my kid was independence or my kid was in college.
• 16:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: I wouldn't know if their room is clean.
• 16:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: I wouldn't know if they're showing up for class while they're in your home.
• 16:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: You do have more data around are they doing those things, but we want them to be a learning skill to move chords and dependence.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right?
• 16:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so taking out a list of all those things that is a mom you're doing, that you feel like are helping your kid, but they could actually be slowing your kid down from actually achieving independence.
• 16:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's, so moms, pay attention to the admin list that you have running in your head and for heaven's sake stop doing everything for your grown child.
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just stop.
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: How are they become independent when mom swoops and takes care of everything?
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, next, let me tell you about this.
• 17:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Gift giving should feel like joy not a chore, but when life gets busy and the season gets loud, it's easy to lose that feeling.
• 17:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So Christian parenting put together the 2026 Christmas get guide to help you get it back.
• 17:31
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• 17:32
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• 17:41
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• 17:46
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• 17:50
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• 17:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whether you're looking at something meaningful, something fun, or just to get that makes someone feel really loved, if that's you covered.
• 18:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Head to ChristianParenting.org or slash Christmas, or grab the link in the episode description.
• 18:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's to a Christmas that's more meaningful and a whole lot stressful.
• 18:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now let's get back to our conversation.
• 18:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: So moms can also minimize without realizing it by saying things like, can be fine, everyone's ghost through this, or you have so much to be grateful for.
• 18:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: What does a young adult need instead when life feels really hard?
• 18:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Really, it's like, I think it's really simple.
• 18:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's like this sounds really hard.
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Tell me more about it.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's already what you said.
• 18:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's, I think it's hard for moms and parents to just retrain that kind of response they're normally giving, which maybe in some cases minimizing it, I know that was something my mom and I struggled with a lot where I was like, I'm so depressed.
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm honestly even in adult life, I'm like, I'll get depressed and like that.
• 19:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Typically my mom won't be my first call in that case because she hasn't really been through that and so even though I know now she has the best intentions and oftentimes heard but this is probably still right it's like the fact that she can't really understand that intends to minimize that will be.
• 19:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: is still really hard for me to hear as her kid.
• 19:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it just makes the upset because it's hitting in on the self criticism I already have, which is shouldn't be a big deal.
• 19:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You do have a good life.
• 19:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have a lot of things to be grateful for.
• 19:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the things you're kind of telling your kid might also be their kind of inner critic body, which track on loop as well.
• 19:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so you don't want to add to that.
• 19:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: number one and number two if you really can't it like you're not meant to understand everything your kid's going through.
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think.
• 19:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think as parents when you don't understand something your kid is going through, helping them brainstorm or thinking about in your own life, who in my life or in my kid's life or adjacent to us maybe could understand.
• 20:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: This maybe it isn't a mental health professional, often it can be, but who could they maybe talk to that that maybe it's an aunt or an uncle, maybe it's a teacher coach they're close to it really could be anyone, but I know I felt so much better when I started as a young adult.
• 20:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: meeting other people who had the same kind of crazy thoughts or what thoughts I thought were crazy, have the time that I had.
• 20:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I think just owning that you might not understand it and saying that to your kid, I haven't gone through this, so I can't fully understand what it's you're going.
• 20:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: There it sounds like it's so hard and maybe in a later conversation being like,
• 20:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I am Anne Sally or someone as nanny struggled with something similar.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe she might be a good person to talk to.
• 20:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And don't try to force it, but that's what I would say.
• 20:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just for a mom to admit, you know what?
• 20:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't ever been there.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I bet that's hard.
• 21:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: That goes a long way, right?
• 21:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 21:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Totally.
• 21:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I would also say, on piggybacking off Ali, when you say, you have so much to be grateful for or your life is going so well, if your kid is not feeling good, they're not going to believe that.
• 21:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: So you're essentially telling them how they should feel and until they start building self confidence, and I've seen it with so many of the clients who work with.
• 21:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Once they start building self-confidence and they feel like they're in control of their own life, they will eventually start feeling grateful and they will eventually feel like things are moving in the right direction.
• 21:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: But if those things are not how they feel every time that you're saying something like that to your kid,
• 21:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're almost going to say that's not true.
• 21:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Let's not how I'm feeling.
• 21:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: You don't understand what I'm going through.
• 21:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think a lot of times when the parents then reflect back on the things that they struggled with, it often is the same as their kid, but they're so far removed from that in their life that they can't remember when it was like being their kid's age.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so even just taking some time to reflect on when you were young adult and the things that you struggled with, I'm sure that there's some parallels between you and your kid in that instance.
• 22:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what?
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And statements could a mom make that would instill confidence?
• 22:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it just, I believe in you?
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is there anything else that's better to say?
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's, child says, do this, I am not good at this, it's too hard.
• 22:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's just saying, I want what's best for you, but only you know what's best for you.
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I can't help you figure out what's best for you and that's the same thing.
• 22:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And your kid has the answers within themselves already.
• 22:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so we want to just encourage them to figure out those answers and then go on that path for.
• 22:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, good calling.
• 22:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think, and maybe it's not so much saying this to your kid, but I think if you really won't want one's best for your kid, if you really want them to be happy, I always tell moms specifically, okay, we need to start prioritizing then your happiness and what's best for you as well.
• 23:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes that will be in conflict with what you've been doing for your kid.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right?
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: You might not be, for example, looking at your ideal day.
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, you're not cleaning up after your kid or you're not worrying about them or whatever.
• 23:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what's the work that you have to do either maybe stop cleaning up for them, maybe doing some interpersonal work of like, how can I be actually secure.
• 23:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: if my kid is where they're at today.
• 23:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I be secure with the where they're at and be secure with where I'm at and prioritize what I need to do to take care of myself.
• 23:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your kid is an adult.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can't force them to do anything anymore.
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's a blessing in some ways.
• 23:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: So ultimately, focusing on
• 23:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm proving your own life in any way you can and starting the shift that dynamic is going to go along when you're could just see in that shift and you can kind of be the start of that change in that relationship.
• 24:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love that because I see so many moms, especially in my coaching, that are just hyper-focused.
• 24:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like adult child and I'm like, you have got to step back and talk focusing on yourself, start working on yourself, start focusing on yourself.
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just complicated dynamic, isn't it?
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, because I really do believe most like young adults, especially if they've struggled with stuff in their life quite frankly can get through the things life is going to throw it they really can and like.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I tell parents you're delaying their independence by taking those opportunities away from them to deal with those problems could be again as little as small as cleaning up after yourself and showering or it could be as big as making your rent on time right and but you have to.
• 24:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, when your thoughts go to oh my god what like worrying about my kid can you redirect that and like just start retraining your brain and your nervous system.
• 25:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: to start reacting differently because then that just calms down the whole.
• 25:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I noticed like mom's nervous system dictates the whole height of where I grew up is in the family.
• 25:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
• 25:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just as it was that way in my house, like I get it, I guarantee if I have kids, I will be the same.
• 25:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I will be like,
• 25:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I see it.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: However, so knowing that it's just okay, if you can regulate yourself and be more at the level five and then a level eight or nine, that really will have an impact on the whole family as long on.
• 25:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's beautiful.
• 25:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, one last thing that Emily that I just think would be good for parents to hear and it's a good way to end is I also want moms to know that it seems super complicated But it's also not rocket science.
• 25:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: We've seen time and time again with the young adult at stake
• 25:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you can focus on basic things like them getting a job and it can be part-time or even volunteering.
• 26:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Then go into the gym, then re-it and rolling back into the college and taking two classes and doing well.
• 26:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then that will make your kids start feeling like they're moving towards independence.
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: and all you want is a parent is to see them start moving in the right direction.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a long journey from stuck to fully independent.
• 26:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: So what are the things that they can be doing on a daily basis?
• 26:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: That makes you also start to believe that they're on stuck because those things will make your kid feel like they're starting to move in the right direction.
• 26:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if we've seen parents that are actually okay with their kid living at home, if they're doing just those simple things, that doesn't look like them playing video games all the time or something like that.
• 26:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'd love that little things.
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just start doing little things.
• 26:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: What you're saying today is talk with your child about what they want.
• 26:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to know that it's their job to do it.
• 26:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to take care of yourself, pay attention.
• 26:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't be over-consumed.
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to be empathetic.
• 26:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be a good listener.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Does that sum it up pretty well?
• 27:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
• 27:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully.
• 27:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just want to thank you guys for being here today.
• 27:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: What can we leave in the show notes for moms to get in contact or for moms to give information about your coaching to their adult kids?
• 27:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is that, would that be a helpful thing?
• 27:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: What do you think?
• 27:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, definitely.
• 27:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, they can to find us at nottherapy.me.me.
• 27:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, and we have testimonials on our website, more about kind of what we do, and there's a contact for them out there.
• 27:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can reach out to us and we talked to parents like all day.
• 27:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's pretty fun.
• 27:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sure job.
• 27:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So look at call with us if you just want to chat more about your situation.
• 27:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's no pressure.
• 27:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Totally free.
• 27:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, and yeah, and we just know you're not alone as a parent.
• 27:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you literally talked to parents in this situation.
• 27:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've been racing all day.
• 27:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And.
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we've seen it like Colin said work time and time again to if you're supporting yourself like your young adult will start feeling more supported.
• 28:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wonderful anything else Colin.
• 28:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: No, I just would say regardless if we end up working with a family or not, we're always happy to talk to a family for free and just talk about their situation.
• 28:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: We would rather leave them with a conversation feeling like there's hope at the end of the tunnel and not feeling like you're stuck and I do believe that one solid conversation about your situation can also shift the trajectory of things that doesn't mean you need to hire us to work with your kid or something like that.
• 28:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: wonderful.
• 28:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for being here.
• 28:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will leave that link in the show notes.
• 28:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Lama, your adult child doesn't always need you to have the answer.
• 28:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: They need to know you're willing to listen, stay curious, and sit with them in a hard places without rushing to fix everything.
• 28:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope this conversation with Hayland Colin helps you think differently about the words you use when your adult child is struggling.
• 28:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes one of the most loving
• 28:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 28:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 29:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 29:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to realize that most change begins with awareness, so I want you to become aware of the way you talk.
• 29:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's Drumbling Adult Child.
• 29:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Take note of whether you're offering solutions or simply supporting your child, and when you have this awareness, then you know.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can start showing up differently.
• 29:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, remember, you don't have to solve their struggle to be a good mom.
• 29:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can trust God with what you cannot control and keep showing up, with love, grace, and a listening ear.
• 29:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you found this episode helpful, would you please share it with a friend?
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just use that little share button.
• 29:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace and peace, Mama.
• 29:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: You've got this and God's got you.
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 29:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, rounded, and clearer.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Clearer about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 30:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories.
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm coaching you.
• 30:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Helping you name what's happening beneath a service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 30:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready to go deeper in what personalized coaching support, I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 30:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity and
• 30:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: process emotions and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes and let's stay connected.
• 30:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find me on Instagram at P-Hinklman, that's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N or on Facebook at Pamela Higlman, M-D-N-S-T-Coach.
• 30:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure out the season, alone, mama.
• 30:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Support and direction are possible, and I'm here when you're ready.