Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / November 9, 2021 | Expresso - Stephanie Munoz

Transcript

November 9, 2021 | Expresso - Stephanie Munoz · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Mine's gonna be different.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot look at you guys, so I'm gonna look down at my paper the entire time.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: My first thought when Connie asked me to speak was why me.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: My second thought was no way, but God was telling me yes.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: As I started writing my story and unpacking all the memories I'd boxed away in my mind, I was in awe.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: These last few weeks, I've seen more than ever what the Lord has truly done in my life and just how far I've come.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is my story.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was adopted by my grandma with my brother when I was nine.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: My mom was an alcoholic and died from liver failure when I was seven.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: My dad had been out of my life since I was two.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: My grandma raised us both in church, and we both graduated from Heritage Christian School.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I did struggle with self-harming in junior high and depression throughout high school.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: But when I graduated, I was on my way to having my associates in a year and moving on to a bachelor's degree.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: The fall after graduating high school, I met my ex online.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was 18 and I thought I'd met the man of my dreams.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: As I dropped my life in Topeka and moved to be with him in the Casey area, I did finish my associates, but my goals were gone.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: It started out like a dream.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: He said he was a Christian, he did, he said and did all the right things, but slowly he started picking apart my faith, which was already struggling as a lost to confused 18-year-old, and telling me everything wrong with Christianity.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: My friends were bad people, my family wasn't good for me.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Soon I only had him.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: We got married a year later, when I was 19, and a couple months later I was pregnant with my son, Tyler.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: When Tyler was less than a year, he cheated for the first time, but it was my fault for stressing him out and being a nagging wife.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: When I told him I was leaving, he attempted suicide, so I stayed.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: He broke me down slowly and consistently.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know it was happening.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I had no friends.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I saw my family once a month.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was me and my best friend Tyler.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then he cheated a second time.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was completely broken.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I began talking to guys online as an escape until I finally left at 10 p.m.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: on a weeknight.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'll never forget calling my grandma and telling her I'm coming home.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And her response, the door is open, and I'll wait up for you.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is where my story should get better, but it didn't.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was home, but I was lost and unaware of my need for Jesus.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: The divorce was finalized when I was 22.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled with drinking and I convinced myself I was an alcoholic with no control.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Six months after the divorce, he took full custody of my son.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: He had convinced me I was completely mentally unstable and unfit to care for my son.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I believed every word he said, so I didn't even show up to court.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I continued having 50-50 unofficial custody, and I homeschooled Tyler with the help of my grandma.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I was a part-time mom.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: The weeks I didn't have him, I partied, and it got worse.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Soon I found my way to harder drugs.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Alcohol could no longer numb the pain I was holding on to, and the blackout nights weren't enough.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: The summer of 2014, I started working at Topsy's Popcorn.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: That fall, we had a new hire, a man named Michael, came strutting around that corner in the mall.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I turned I took one look at him and I said, No way.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: That man is now my husband.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: But at the time, I was not interested, despite how interested he was in me for two full years.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: In July of 2015, I was at a party.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: A young man broke in with a gun.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: My friend and I escaped, but not before I was told to stop with a gun pointed at me.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I ran and I hid until the police came.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I found out later he raped a girl in another room.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: This event sent me into one of my lowest valleys.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I self-harmed for the first time since junior high.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was laying on the floor of my room with a broken glass in my hand, ready to end my life.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Through the tears and terrible vision, I was able to see the pictures of my son I had plastered all over my wall.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: At that moment, I refused to leave him without a mother.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know what it's like to lose her and grow up without her.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I checked myself into Vallejo for a five-day treatment.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: The doctors confirmed my belief I was an alcoholic, and they also diagnosed me with bipolar one manic depressive disorder.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: At this point in my life, I was working seven days a week as store manager of Asian Cafe.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I gave up my job and apartment to move back home with grandma.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I tried medication for my mental illness for a year and finally gave up.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing seemed to work.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: A year after this traumatic event, on August 15, 2016, my little brother took his life.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't close, but it didn't make the pain any less.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: So the alcohol continued and the drugs got worse.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: By my side through every heartache, every bad decision, every broken moment was my best friend Mike.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: October of that year, I finally saw him as more.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: We moved in together six months later, and five months later, he proposed.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Things seemed perfect to the outsider, and our relationship was like a cheesy Hallmark movie.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: But the drugs had reached a new level.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had found my drug of choice.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: One week sober as a mom, one week high.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was still depressed, had very low self-esteem, and no hope.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I started waking up with panic attacks.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Then the worst news of my life at the time.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was pregnant with a girl.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I had to give up all my self-coping and numbing, and I had to face the pain I'd avoided for over five years.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: As my belly grew, we planned our dream wedding.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sadly, Matilda is like me and doesn't know how to be on time.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: At almost 43 weeks, she finally made her arrival.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I walked down the aisle, escorted by Tyler, with a five-week-old baby in my arms on June 2nd, 2018.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: When Matilda was a few months old, my depression hit a new low.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to be alive and I didn't want this baby.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I had a home birth like I did with my son, so I wasn't a patient of any hospital.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: When I called and asked for help, they refused.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I remember crying on the floor of my living room, wondering why no one wanted to help me.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I pleaded with God even though I wasn't sure of his existence.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: This was my turning point.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is where the story gets better.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: At that time I was waiting for someone to save me, but it had to be me.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had to make my journey back to Jesus.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted me to see what he is capable of doing and how strong I really am.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: The change was painfully slow and hard.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I started with small things I could control.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I started with getting dressed and taking a shower regularly.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I started reading self-help books.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Rachel Hollis's first two books are incredible.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest advice from her books that helped me was to make goals.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not just any goals, but big goals.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I made a list of my 10 big goals and I wrote them every morning.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I also started meal planning for my family.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: This took stress out of my mind as one less thing to think about.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: We started taking walks together several times a week.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I tried different workout programs, and I involved my husband and my kids to keep me accountable.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I started listening to Caleb.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you get in my van or walk through my front door, you can almost guarantee you'll hear this incredible radio station.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Unless it's Christmas time.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: But something was still missing.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: All the self-help books I read and the weight falling off, there was still a void in my life.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Even though it appeared I was moving forward, I still had my ex in the background.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I still had to watch what I said and not do the wrong thing to set him off.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: In the beginning of 2020, I had a friend who taught me about gaslighting, verbal abuse, and narcissism.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was unaware that a human being could be so unbelievably dark.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was unaware I was even being abused.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: In March of 2020, I boldly stood up for myself to him for the first time.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I filed for joint custody of my son.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was done living with the abuse and control.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: March 8, 2020, was my first Sunday at TBC.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: From the moment I walked in the door, greeted by Doug, I fell in love.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: This church has become my safe place.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know a lot of people, but just being here is a blessing.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I started attending different events and volunteered to serve food a couple times.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: My confidence started to grow and I was able to find joy again.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I started therapy in the fall of 2020, and in January of this year, for my 30th birthday, I completed a 30-day sugar fast.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: This insane adventure taught me to lean on God instead of running to comfort foods.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: In February, I challenged myself to wear makeup every single day.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: During that month, I was forced to look at myself in the mirror every day and take time to appreciate my appearance.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I replaced my morning routine of reading self-help books and writing my goals to reading my Bible and praying.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Piece by piece, I started giving it all to God.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Every fear, every worry, and every moment something goes right, I thank him.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I recently started meal prepping lunch and dinner for myself.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was good at feeding my family, but not myself.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: This practice ensures I have a meal.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I now have a gym membership and work out regularly with goals.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm no longer the broken person I thought I was.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not an alcoholic.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I hardly drink, and when I do, I can stop.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: After starting therapy, I learned I'm not bipolar manic depressive.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was depressed in coping with my trauma.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I am a survivor.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a child of God made in his image.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm strong and I am loved.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: My life now is not a dream.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I still get depressed and I still have anxiety.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still fighting for custody.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I went from having Tyler every other full week to every other weekend and holidays.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: My husband is under investigation for crimes he didn't commit.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: The investigation has nothing to do with Tyler, but my ex has demanded they not be around each other.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: So every other weekend my husband moves out to his own apartment with his kids.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Holidays will be separate, and our family is torn right now.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I have hope.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know God has a plan for me.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I am learning to be patient and to trust in him.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: He is breaking down every lie I believed about myself.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: He is healing my wounds and my heart.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I look at how far I've come, and I can't help but praise our Lord for saving me and bringing me out of the darkness.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna end my story with this.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Every day my prayer is to be light for Jesus to someone else who was lost in the same darkness I suffered in for too long.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: For the women out there, stuck in that pit of darkness, trying to get out, know that you are stronger than you could ever imagine.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: There is a God and He loves you, and He's fighting for you the same way He fought for me.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't underestimate the power of prayer and start small with one thing at a time and work your way up.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: We want to be at the end of the race so badly we forget the journey along the way is how we grow.