Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 491. Fading Friendships, navigating affairs and am I being limerant? (Headnoise)

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491. Fading Friendships, navigating affairs and am I being limerant? (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 1: This is a head Noise episode. Now, I do have
0:21
Speaker 1: some like a little podcast update before I dive into
0:24
Speaker 1: this episode. I do know that a few I want
0:28
Speaker 1: to say. A few months ago, I did say that
0:29
Speaker 1: I was going to start doing two Head Noise episodes
0:32
Speaker 1: every single week, which I love doing because I could
0:34
Speaker 1: get to more questions, because we do have so many
0:36
Speaker 1: questions that come through. However, I've kind of pivoted on
0:39
Speaker 1: that idea and I have decided to revert back just
0:42
Speaker 1: to the one Head Noise episode. And the reason for
0:44
Speaker 1: that is when, like, I don't want to take away
0:49
Speaker 1: from the kind of core of what my podcast is
0:53
Speaker 1: about with more like neuroscience and psychology, like hacks and
0:56
Speaker 1: tools and all of that. And while answering questions is
1:00
Speaker 1: one of my favorite things to do, I love it
1:01
Speaker 1: so much, you have no idea, but when people come
1:04
Speaker 1: and land on the podcast page and are trying to
1:07
Speaker 1: search for different subjects and topics and things like that,
1:09
Speaker 1: I didn't want it to be more of a kind
1:12
Speaker 1: of answering questions kind of podcast over an educational kind
1:18
Speaker 1: of mindset hacks for the Badass to live about us life.
1:22
Speaker 1: I don't even know my own tag line, loll. So
1:24
Speaker 1: I've decided to just keep it to the one episode
1:26
Speaker 1: a week because of that. Now, will I maybe do
1:28
Speaker 1: more Head Noise episodes, possibly on YouTube and things like that. Yes,
1:32
Speaker 1: I will look into that as being a possibility because
1:35
Speaker 1: there are just so many fuckings, so many questions to
1:37
Speaker 1: get through, so I will be keeping you updated on that.
1:41
Speaker 1: But I have really loved doing the two episodes a week.
1:43
Speaker 1: It's just kind of more a strategic decision. And this
1:47
Speaker 1: kind of was highlighted to me by a couple of
1:49
Speaker 1: listeners who love the Head Noise episodes, but did say
1:52
Speaker 1: I feel like it's becoming more that than it is that,
1:55
Speaker 1: and it's pulling away from kind of what the real
1:58
Speaker 1: essence of your podcast is about, which I never I
2:00
Speaker 1: want to do. So I am taking on that feedback
2:02
Speaker 1: and I am kind of like looking at it overall
2:05
Speaker 1: and have made that decision. But yeah, I really love
2:08
Speaker 1: the head Noise episodes, but I think it's probably best
2:11
Speaker 1: to just do one a week, and if I want
2:14
Speaker 1: to do more Head Noise content, I'll let you know
2:15
Speaker 1: if I'll be doing more of that on YouTube or something.
2:17
Speaker 1: Like that, so we can kind of keep it, you know, happening,
2:20
Speaker 1: because the questions are coming in. Literally we're getting more
2:24
Speaker 1: questions now than ever, so it is. Yeah, it was
2:27
Speaker 1: a hard decision to decide to pull the pin on
2:28
Speaker 1: the Wednesday head Noise episodes. But anyway, good times. Let's get
2:31
Speaker 1: into today's head nice episode, and this one is titled Limerens, Let's.
2:38
Speaker 2: Go Kyoda, Alexis. I just wanted to say I love
2:45
Speaker 2: you so much.
2:45
Speaker 3: I've listened to you for years. You're my famer, my.
2:48
Speaker 2: Family, my voice of Raisen, just everything obsisted with you.
2:52
Speaker 2: I just kind of want to talk about like limreates
2:53
Speaker 2: and love bombing. Essentially, I skipped toward to say love
2:57
Speaker 2: bombing because I am the love bomber like I but
3:00
Speaker 2: it doesn't come from like a manipulative sense. It's I
3:03
Speaker 2: just build really deep connections with people like that. Friendships
3:07
Speaker 2: are my strength, Like I love that about myself. I
3:10
Speaker 2: can walk into a room and make a friend with
3:13
Speaker 2: a fucking brick wall, Like it's I love that about myself.
3:15
Speaker 2: But then essentially I get into romantic things that it's
3:20
Speaker 2: obviously that mixed with intimacy, and then you know, I
3:23
Speaker 2: just I build these really deep connections with people, and
3:26
Speaker 2: I know, I do think a lot of it is
3:29
Speaker 2: like lemrecks for sure, which is something that I'm really
3:31
Speaker 2: really trying to work on. Listen to so many podcasts
3:34
Speaker 2: about it, love reading sub steps about it, like I'm
3:36
Speaker 2: so painfully self where it's not even funny, and I
3:38
Speaker 2: like compulsively overanalyze my feelings and emotions and you know,
3:44
Speaker 2: like I know all of this, but I just think
3:46
Speaker 2: a massive part of it is like I build really
3:48
Speaker 2: deep connections with people. But I guess I just kind
3:50
Speaker 2: of wanted some advice on it because I don't want
3:52
Speaker 2: to change, Like I don't want to dull my sparkle.
3:54
Speaker 2: I love that about myself. But they's something, you know,
3:58
Speaker 2: something ends after two months and I'm defeat. But that's
4:01
Speaker 2: not normal, Like I don't think it's sad, but then again,
4:04
Speaker 2: I just feel emotions really deeply, so I don't really know.
4:07
Speaker 2: But anyway, I love you so much.
4:08
Speaker 3: Just if you have any advice, I love you. Bye.
4:10
Speaker 1: Okay, really, I'm glad you you. I was gonna say rotin,
4:14
Speaker 1: I'm glad you. You know what, I'm gonna move this
4:16
Speaker 1: fucking line, but I keep hitting it with my my
4:18
Speaker 1: bun last week and now it's my hand. Okay, I'm
4:20
Speaker 1: really glad that you did send in that question. There
4:23
Speaker 1: is a bit that I want to pull the part
4:25
Speaker 1: with what you're saying. Firstly, you you did. I'm not
4:30
Speaker 1: exactly sure what kind of I'm just gonna give you
4:33
Speaker 1: my opinion on what i think is going on here.
4:35
Speaker 1: But you said that it doesn't make you that sad
4:38
Speaker 1: when things fall apart, So it's not like I'm trying
4:39
Speaker 1: to give you advice on healing and anything like that,
4:41
Speaker 1: but I do want to shed some light onto your situation.
4:46
Speaker 1: Be careful not to get too caught up and being
4:48
Speaker 1: so self analytical, because sometimes you actually become less self
4:52
Speaker 1: aware the more you analyze your situation. So we can
4:56
Speaker 1: become so good at the analytical theoretical side of things
4:59
Speaker 1: that it actually blocks our real self awareness with what's
5:03
Speaker 1: going on. The reason I say this is because you
5:06
Speaker 1: talk about limerence and love bombing, which you probably know
5:10
Speaker 1: a lot about because you've probably done a lot of
5:12
Speaker 1: research and a lot of that. But I don't think
5:14
Speaker 1: either of those two things are happening. Firstly, let's talk
5:16
Speaker 1: about love bombing. Love Bombing is an intentional manipulation tool.
5:21
Speaker 1: So you might be intense with the feelings of love,
5:24
Speaker 1: but unless you're intentionally trying to manipulate someone for an
5:27
Speaker 1: outcome after the love bombing, then you're not love bombing.
5:30
Speaker 1: You're just intense with your emotions and love and it
5:33
Speaker 1: feels like this huge surgeon. It happens really quickly and
5:35
Speaker 1: all of that. But if yeah, there has to be
5:38
Speaker 1: that manipulation aspect knowingly for it to be love bombing.
5:42
Speaker 1: The second thing is you talk about limerens and there's
5:46
Speaker 1: kind of you cancel it out. You say, I make
5:48
Speaker 1: deep connections, but it's Limmerens. It's impossible to have a
5:52
Speaker 1: deep connection in a limerent relationship because the point of
5:55
Speaker 1: limerence is that you actually don't fall in love with
5:57
Speaker 1: the individual. You fall in love with the idea that
5:59
Speaker 1: you have of this person where you're filling in the
6:01
Speaker 1: gaps because there isn't that connection close enough yet, you
6:05
Speaker 1: don't have a deep enough understanding. So instead of it
6:07
Speaker 1: being I've fallen in love, that's really how you know
6:10
Speaker 1: the difference between love or deep caring for someone, even
6:15
Speaker 1: if it might not be love quite yet. But this
6:18
Speaker 1: deep like these deep feelings that you have someone versus limerens,
6:22
Speaker 1: where you become so infatuated and so borderline obsessed with
6:27
Speaker 1: the idea of someone and you fill in all the
6:29
Speaker 1: gaps and you create a relationship in your imagination of
6:32
Speaker 1: what could be and how good it could be. That's
6:35
Speaker 1: why these limerent feelings that we have for someone is
6:38
Speaker 1: sometimes as painful as a loving relationship breakup because it's
6:43
Speaker 1: so intense, and then the after math of that falling
6:50
Speaker 1: apart or that person that you're so in love with
6:52
Speaker 1: just showing you that they don't want to be with you,
6:54
Speaker 1: it's so full on that that pain can be just
6:56
Speaker 1: as bad as the pain of someone that you love
6:58
Speaker 1: leaving you. Okay, I don't know if it's a lack
7:04
Speaker 1: of awareness that you actually don't have a real connection
7:06
Speaker 1: with this person and it feels like a real connection
7:09
Speaker 1: and it is a liminate situation or you're mislabeling it
7:11
Speaker 1: and it's not limerents and you are having a real connection,
7:14
Speaker 1: but you just get over it, and that's why you're
7:15
Speaker 1: not sad when it ends. So what are we kind
7:17
Speaker 1: of looking at? And I feel like you don't want
7:20
Speaker 1: to go into a loop of continuously analyzing it because
7:22
Speaker 1: you've already been doing that and it's not working for you.
7:26
Speaker 1: But I want you to just pay attention more to
7:29
Speaker 1: your actual behaviors and where are things going well for
7:32
Speaker 1: you and where are things not going well for you.
7:34
Speaker 1: A lot of the time you will see people get
7:37
Speaker 1: into these really like hot, heavy, intense relationships, and I'm
7:43
Speaker 1: talking about friendships as well here I'm not just talking
7:45
Speaker 1: about romantic but then they feel a lot really fucking quickly,
7:50
Speaker 1: almost as quickly as they started. There is I'm gonna
7:52
Speaker 1: butcher it, so I'm not gonna bother saying it. But
7:54
Speaker 1: my mom always says is saying about like it's in
7:57
Speaker 1: Spanish and it's like if something starts with fury ends
8:00
Speaker 1: with fury along those lines. Don't fucking quote me on that,
8:04
Speaker 1: but it's a saying like that, and a lot of
8:07
Speaker 1: relationships like if it starts really hot and fucking heavy,
8:10
Speaker 1: it's going to end in the same like intense way.
8:15
Speaker 1: I find it a little I don't want to call
8:17
Speaker 1: it a toxic trait, but I think it's it's something
8:19
Speaker 1: that needs to be you need to be made aware
8:22
Speaker 1: of because it can come across as a little bit
8:27
Speaker 1: it's unhealthy in the sense that we ignore a lot
8:31
Speaker 1: of aspects about that relationship. It feels so real because
8:36
Speaker 1: we're getting what we want. I give you all my attention,
8:39
Speaker 1: I give you all my energy. I might not be
8:42
Speaker 1: trying to hurt your feelings or trying to take you
8:44
Speaker 1: for a ride. I might be someone who's really warm
8:47
Speaker 1: and really charismatic and really you know, and so because
8:51
Speaker 1: this person might not even be like that normally, but
8:53
Speaker 1: you're giving them all the attention, all the love. Also,
8:55
Speaker 1: they're mirroring this back, being like whoa, this friendship's unbelievable,
9:00
Speaker 1: or this relationship I've never had so much love attention.
9:03
Speaker 1: You're like so quick to reply with the text, let's
9:06
Speaker 1: do this spontaneous fun thing. Let's this. But if you
9:10
Speaker 1: can't maintain a longevity, if there's no longevity to that,
9:14
Speaker 1: what is that saying. It's saying that you're doing it
9:17
Speaker 1: to get some like a quick hit, a quick fix
9:20
Speaker 1: out of it. Why can't this thing last? Is it
9:23
Speaker 1: because it's the thrill of the catch that makes it
9:27
Speaker 1: like it's the novelty that you're addicted to. Is it
9:31
Speaker 1: the actual individu Because if you say you're not sad
9:33
Speaker 1: when these relationships, friendships or romantic relationships end. It means
9:37
Speaker 1: that you're chasing the novelty of the attention, okay, of this,
9:42
Speaker 1: you know, validation And you might say, well, I don't
9:45
Speaker 1: feel like I'm seeking validation from outside people. I don't
9:47
Speaker 1: feel well. Why can't you have just a slow burn
9:51
Speaker 1: of a friendship or a slow burn of a relationship?
9:54
Speaker 1: And now I can't answer that for you. You got
9:55
Speaker 1: to ask why is that? Do I have long term friendships?
9:59
Speaker 1: How many long term friendships do you have where it
10:02
Speaker 1: isn't that dynamic? And how healthy are they? It's really
10:06
Speaker 1: important to start really doing a bit of a I
10:10
Speaker 1: know you say yourself aware, but look at like, do
10:12
Speaker 1: a bit of an inventory and like what are my
10:14
Speaker 1: current relationships? Like why do I lean into this? You know,
10:18
Speaker 1: am I trying to manipulate people? I might not think,
10:21
Speaker 1: because maybe you are manipulating people. You don't realize it.
10:24
Speaker 1: Maybe you're manipulating people because you want to feel this
10:27
Speaker 1: validation within the relationship. And if it's a no to
10:30
Speaker 1: all the things I'm saying, If you're saying love your lexis,
10:32
Speaker 1: but you're wrong about all these things, you are wrong,
10:35
Speaker 1: then ask yourself why is it that after a few
10:38
Speaker 1: months it ends and I don't feel sad. It means
10:42
Speaker 1: that you didn't really care about that relationship. So that
10:44
Speaker 1: relationship served a different purpose. And if you're saying no, alexis,
10:47
Speaker 1: I don't need the validation. I don't do it for validation.
10:49
Speaker 1: I validate myself at a fine But what was it
10:53
Speaker 1: serving you? Why did you do that? Because it's not limerents.
10:57
Speaker 1: If it's a real deep connection, it is Limerens. If
10:59
Speaker 1: you're yourself, it's a deep connection. But it's not a
11:01
Speaker 1: deep connection. Is it just seemingly deep because you've got
11:05
Speaker 1: so much time that you spend together, because it's so intense.
11:08
Speaker 1: But in reality, when really you, when you really need
11:12
Speaker 1: to be there for each other, you're not. Why do
11:14
Speaker 1: these relationships fall apart? Does one bad conversation, one thing
11:18
Speaker 1: that pissed you off? Is it enough to cut them off?
11:20
Speaker 1: Because then that's not a deep connection. If you can
11:22
Speaker 1: cut someone off with in a blink of an eye,
11:26
Speaker 1: that's not a deep connection. That's surface level intense. So
11:30
Speaker 1: I just want you to be I don't want you
11:32
Speaker 1: to continue to analyze, analyze, analyze, but I just want
11:35
Speaker 1: you to start being have a deeper level of what
11:37
Speaker 1: self awareness is for you, and say how much of
11:41
Speaker 1: what Alexis is saying is actually rings true? How much
11:44
Speaker 1: of it is just total bullshit? Maybe I didn't explain myself,
11:46
Speaker 1: but be willing to ask yourself the hard questions and
11:49
Speaker 1: be willing to be vulnerable enough to say, yeah, that
11:52
Speaker 1: might be the case or yeah that might. But the
11:54
Speaker 1: thing that really rings through as like a bit of
11:56
Speaker 1: an alarm bell is the fact that you say that
11:58
Speaker 1: it's not sad when it ends that to me makes
12:01
Speaker 1: me think that these relationships are there not necessarily because
12:06
Speaker 1: it's out of love, but it's there to serve a
12:08
Speaker 1: different purpose, and you need to figure out what that
12:10
Speaker 1: purpose is. Okay, Yeah, I've got some friends in my
12:15
Speaker 1: life that are very hot and heavy with their friendships
12:18
Speaker 1: and it's like all or nothing, all or nothing, all
12:20
Speaker 1: or nothing. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, oh,
12:22
Speaker 1: how's that friend that you introduced me to? And they're like, oh,
12:24
Speaker 1: we're don't talking any more off And you know, it
12:28
Speaker 1: takes really like two to tango for these relationships, where
12:33
Speaker 1: when I first met these people it was really hot
12:34
Speaker 1: and heavy. I'm like, oh my god, is this my
12:36
Speaker 1: best friend for life, and then I realized that that's
12:38
Speaker 1: how they were with everyone, and I thought, well, if
12:39
Speaker 1: I want long germany this friendship, I need to know
12:41
Speaker 1: how to steer it. Otherwise it's also going to burn
12:44
Speaker 1: and go up in flames as well, like all their
12:45
Speaker 1: other friendships have. You know, you can still have good friendships,
12:48
Speaker 1: but you've got to look at a pattern of behavior
12:51
Speaker 1: and who is the common denominator here and why? Okay,
12:54
Speaker 1: but great question, and I really thank you for sending
12:57
Speaker 1: that through, because yeah, it's it's awesome.
13:00
Speaker 4: Next, hey, Alexis, So my question is about two of
13:06
Speaker 4: my friends and also a little bit about my ex boyfriend,
13:10
Speaker 4: but not that much about him. So basically, at the
13:13
Speaker 4: end of August of last year, our lease ended and
13:17
Speaker 4: we all moved out and went our separate ways, but
13:20
Speaker 4: we all kind of still live within like fifteen twenty
13:22
Speaker 4: minutes of each other. And I thought that my two
13:25
Speaker 4: friends and I were on good terms and that we
13:27
Speaker 4: were going to maintain our friendship afterwards and like continue
13:31
Speaker 4: to be in each other's lives.
13:34
Speaker 3: Turns out I was wrong, because.
13:36
Speaker 4: Now you know, I was doing all of the reach
13:40
Speaker 4: out I was trying to make plans, trying to check
13:42
Speaker 4: in and.
13:43
Speaker 3: Like have those little bids for connection, but they.
13:45
Speaker 4: Weren't matching my effort. And one of them seems to
13:50
Speaker 4: have more of an issue with me than the other.
13:52
Speaker 4: And that became very present when I wasn't invited to
13:55
Speaker 4: her Christmas party and she was the one I thought
13:57
Speaker 4: was close.
13:58
Speaker 3: I was closer with too, so that was very weird.
14:01
Speaker 4: So basically after that, I just was like, all right,
14:04
Speaker 4: I'm I'm not going to reach out anymore, Like I
14:07
Speaker 4: need to know that they still want me in their lives,
14:10
Speaker 4: so they have to reach.
14:10
Speaker 3: Out to me.
14:11
Speaker 4: Well, now it's March and that was the beginning of
14:14
Speaker 4: December and I haven't heard from either of them since
14:16
Speaker 4: so and then also my ex.
14:19
Speaker 3: Boyfriend haven't heard from him since he broke up with
14:20
Speaker 3: me in July.
14:21
Speaker 4: So now my birthday is next Saturday, and I'm just
14:24
Speaker 4: like sad and anxious that I'm not going to hear
14:28
Speaker 4: from any of them on my birthday.
14:29
Speaker 3: So how can I kind of let go?
14:32
Speaker 1: Okay? Again, thank you for sending in your can I
14:35
Speaker 1: just will always thank you guys for sending in your
14:37
Speaker 1: questions because they're very layered and really good and slow
14:40
Speaker 1: many people would be able to relate to kind of
14:42
Speaker 1: what you're going through. The ex boyfriend thing. I'm not
14:45
Speaker 1: going to really touch too heavily on that. I think
14:47
Speaker 1: when it comes to a breakdown in relationships, there's many, many, many, many,
14:50
Speaker 1: many reasons why people might not contact you, even if
14:52
Speaker 1: you live on good terms. The you know, the start
14:54
Speaker 1: of a new relationship, the start of full So the
14:56
Speaker 1: ex boyfriend thing, I think it's more there might be
14:59
Speaker 1: more foundations why he's not contacting you anymore. It's fizzled out,
15:01
Speaker 1: you haven't hung out as friends. So to me personally,
15:04
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't give any attention to and do not
15:06
Speaker 1: expect a happy birthday from your ex boyfriend. If he comes,
15:09
Speaker 1: that's a nice surprise that things are still great. But
15:12
Speaker 1: if it doesn't, like I would have the bar of
15:14
Speaker 1: expectations for an ex messaging on my birthday is so
15:17
Speaker 1: it's in hell right, not because of anything negative, but
15:20
Speaker 1: it's like I wouldn't expect that, Okay, because I also
15:24
Speaker 1: don't necessarily text people that even if I like someone,
15:28
Speaker 1: if I don't see them ever in our lives, if
15:30
Speaker 1: we don't have a present like continuous relationship in each
15:33
Speaker 1: other's lives. Not to be a selfish person, but I'm
15:35
Speaker 1: not messaging you on your birthday because then what does
15:39
Speaker 1: it mean it's a bit of a happy birthday. We
15:41
Speaker 1: literally haven't spoken in years, Like it's this token thing
15:44
Speaker 1: like we're either in each other's lives or whatnot, and
15:47
Speaker 1: vice versa. I have no expectation for someone to wish
15:50
Speaker 1: me a happy birthday if they are not presently in
15:53
Speaker 1: my life, even if we just message once in a
15:55
Speaker 1: while or can't, Like, there has to be some ongoing
15:58
Speaker 1: relationship for that to be the case. That's me personally.
16:02
Speaker 1: So if anyone ever feels that I've like jilted, like
16:05
Speaker 1: jilted towards me because I haven't messaged them, it's probably
16:08
Speaker 1: because we don't have a current friendship, right, So lower
16:12
Speaker 1: the expectations on that one for your own sake. Now,
16:16
Speaker 1: let's talk about these friends. There's two roads you can
16:21
Speaker 1: go down. One just accept that they're probably like if
16:27
Speaker 1: they haven't messaged you in months, and if they didn't
16:29
Speaker 1: message invite you to the Christmas party and you felt
16:31
Speaker 1: that you were close, and there's they've kind of like
16:33
Speaker 1: dropped off the radar. You can just say, well, I'm
16:36
Speaker 1: going to take their actions as communication. Actions speak louder
16:41
Speaker 1: than words. They are not interested if they wanted today
16:43
Speaker 1: would I'm just not going to expect anything on my birthday.
16:46
Speaker 1: I've got to really prep myself for them not to
16:47
Speaker 1: message me. I'm not going to be waiting for that message,
16:49
Speaker 1: and this friendship is probably done. That's number one Option one,
16:52
Speaker 1: which would be quite I think reasonable if you wanted
16:56
Speaker 1: to take that option, because at the end of the day, yes,
16:59
Speaker 1: if you you would kind of thing option two. If
17:02
Speaker 1: you're like no, that wouldn't sit right with me. Option two,
17:05
Speaker 1: But you have to be okay with any outcome is
17:08
Speaker 1: to contact them. But when you contact someone, especially someone
17:12
Speaker 1: who's not closely in your life currently, like exactly in
17:17
Speaker 1: this situation or an ex or whatever, you've got to
17:19
Speaker 1: be prepared for all possible outcomes. And there's three One
17:22
Speaker 1: that they don't reply at all, Two that it's a
17:24
Speaker 1: positive response, of course you're prepared for that, And three
17:27
Speaker 1: that they do reply and it's something you don't want
17:29
Speaker 1: to hear. If you are prepared for either of those outcomes,
17:32
Speaker 1: then I recommend, for the sake of your own getting
17:36
Speaker 1: it off your chest. I do recommend contacting them, and
17:39
Speaker 1: it could be something along the lines off. And also,
17:45
Speaker 1: can I just say, if you've got to contact them
17:47
Speaker 1: to reprimand to them, don't bother. Okay, I don't like it.
17:50
Speaker 1: If you care about the friendship and you think that
17:53
Speaker 1: maybe something went wrong and you want to resurrect it,
17:55
Speaker 1: then you have to come from a place of vulnerability.
17:58
Speaker 1: If you care about confirming you are the victim in
18:00
Speaker 1: a situation and you want to reprimand friends who aren't
18:03
Speaker 1: even your friends, They're gonna look at this and being like, no, wonder,
18:06
Speaker 1: we're not friends. She's literally like scolding us, and we
18:10
Speaker 1: don't even talk. Okay. So when people message a friend
18:13
Speaker 1: who hasn't messed up, being like you never this and
18:15
Speaker 1: you're never that, oh so so tempted to reply Now
18:18
Speaker 1: I'm so tempted too, So don't do that. Do not
18:21
Speaker 1: dig yourself into a fucking hole. What you're gonna do
18:23
Speaker 1: is you gonna ask yourself, do I do? I feel
18:25
Speaker 1: bad because I actually miss them and I really value
18:29
Speaker 1: these people in my life, and I'm going to put
18:30
Speaker 1: in the effort to try and get them back into
18:32
Speaker 1: my life. One last, one last big effort to be like,
18:34
Speaker 1: let's resurrect this friendship. I fucking love you guys, and
18:37
Speaker 1: I miss you and I value you. Is it that?
18:40
Speaker 1: Or is it? How dare these people ignore me? I've this,
18:44
Speaker 1: I've that. How is it coming from a place of
18:46
Speaker 1: anger and frustration? You're pissed off at them because you
18:48
Speaker 1: might be annoyed that the fact that they didn't invite
18:50
Speaker 1: you would have been overall? Is the overall theme I'm
18:52
Speaker 1: angry and annoyed? Or is the overall theme? Yes, I'm annoyed,
18:56
Speaker 1: but maybe there were reasons and I really really miss
18:58
Speaker 1: them and I really want the back of my life
19:00
Speaker 1: because if it's this, I'm just angry and annoyed, and
19:01
Speaker 1: I want to have the last say don't message them.
19:04
Speaker 1: If it's because you miss them and you see a
19:05
Speaker 1: future with potentially having the back in your life, message
19:08
Speaker 1: them and say, guys, long time, no speak. I feel like,
19:14
Speaker 1: you know, the dynamic has massively changed since we moved out.
19:17
Speaker 1: I really felt close with you guys, and I thought
19:19
Speaker 1: that this is a friendship that would last beyond us
19:21
Speaker 1: moving like beyond us moving out from living in the
19:23
Speaker 1: same place. I feel like that might not be reciprocated.
19:27
Speaker 1: I would love the friendship to return. I would love
19:30
Speaker 1: to have a connection with you guys as well. Is
19:32
Speaker 1: this something that you're open to do you feel like
19:34
Speaker 1: there is a reason that I'm not aware of as
19:36
Speaker 1: to why this friendship broke down, and if there is
19:38
Speaker 1: something that I've done, I genuinely am open to hearing
19:42
Speaker 1: what you have to say. I do miss you, guys.
19:44
Speaker 1: I would love to be able to see you guys again.
19:47
Speaker 1: Something like that. Their response will tell you everything you
19:50
Speaker 1: need to know. Okay, if they ignore you, then they're
19:53
Speaker 1: just not interested in resurrecting the friendship. And if you're thinking, yeah,
19:56
Speaker 1: well I need close, I need to know why, sometimes
19:58
Speaker 1: you can never know why. And that's just unfortunately we
20:01
Speaker 1: you know, there are things in life that we can't control.
20:04
Speaker 1: But the fact that you've already put it out there,
20:05
Speaker 1: that's what you can control. You can control how you
20:07
Speaker 1: reach out. Apart from that, there's nothing else. So you know,
20:12
Speaker 1: they might not reply. They might reply saying you are
20:16
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and all this stuff,
20:18
Speaker 1: and because of that, we don't want to be a friend.
20:22
Speaker 1: And in that you can either read like they might
20:23
Speaker 1: say we felt that you did all of these things,
20:26
Speaker 1: and you might be like, WHOA, that's such a lie.
20:29
Speaker 1: That's not true, And if that was the case, I
20:32
Speaker 1: would just reply and closing it being like thanks for
20:34
Speaker 1: sharing this. I feel like we're seeing different sides of
20:36
Speaker 1: this situation, but I understand why you don't want to
20:38
Speaker 1: pursue this friendship, like thanks, have a nice life kind
20:44
Speaker 1: of vibes, or you can own it and see, wow,
20:47
Speaker 1: they actually right. I hate to admit it, but this
20:49
Speaker 1: is true, and say, you know what, I appreciate you
20:52
Speaker 1: shedding light on that, on my behavior, shedding light on
20:54
Speaker 1: things that maybe I did that was annoying, or maybe
20:56
Speaker 1: maybe you did stuff that you're not aware of, and
20:58
Speaker 1: they're right, they showing you what you did, and you're
21:01
Speaker 1: able to be like I can own that. I can
21:04
Speaker 1: change that, and you can say that to them and
21:06
Speaker 1: say are you willing to, like, you know, can we
21:09
Speaker 1: hang out again? And I can own it and I
21:11
Speaker 1: can change it and I apologize and I'm like, oh,
21:13
Speaker 1: things will be different moving forward, or they might say, hey,
21:16
Speaker 1: we fucking miss you so much, so sorry that whatever.
21:18
Speaker 1: So if you're open to all of those things and
21:21
Speaker 1: you've really thought about every single scenario, then I recommend
21:24
Speaker 1: you reach out to them. But there's going to be
21:26
Speaker 1: an opportunity if you reach out that you're going to
21:28
Speaker 1: hear something you might not want to hear. That they're
21:30
Speaker 1: going to tell you something about your behavior that maybe
21:32
Speaker 1: you're not ready to hear. Are you okay with? That
21:35
Speaker 1: is what you have to sit with. So ponder those
21:37
Speaker 1: things and hopefully you'll be able to decide okay. But
21:40
Speaker 1: if you're like, no, I don't want to message to them,
21:41
Speaker 1: I refuse to reach out, then what I would do
21:44
Speaker 1: I would really manage my expectations and I will not
21:48
Speaker 1: expect a message from any one of those three people
21:51
Speaker 1: on my birthday. And that is the first step to
21:54
Speaker 1: not feeling let down on your birthday, and also plan
21:57
Speaker 1: something to look forward to on your birthday with people
21:59
Speaker 1: that you actually want to spend time with, because the
22:01
Speaker 1: last thing you want to do is have a day
22:02
Speaker 1: where you're like checking your phone, checking your phone, checking
22:04
Speaker 1: your Instagram, checking a baiting people that might know you
22:08
Speaker 1: by putting up a story it's my birthday, so you
22:09
Speaker 1: don't forget and no, we're not doing that shit. We
22:11
Speaker 1: are not doing that shit. You actually want to enjoy
22:13
Speaker 1: the day. Okay, so you either lower expectations dramatically or
22:16
Speaker 1: you take action and you reach out. Hopefully that helps. Yeah,
22:21
Speaker 1: and look, I've said many many friendships resurrect from the dead,
22:25
Speaker 1: so there is hope. Okay, hopefully that helped. Last question
22:33
Speaker 1: sense sense.
22:41
Speaker 5: Hey, I'm going straight into it because this is the
22:43
Speaker 5: longest story ever. Pretty much. I started dating my ex
22:48
Speaker 5: and he was just the most amazing person ever. I
22:51
Speaker 5: had lots of trauma from getting cheated on, and he
22:54
Speaker 5: just built my trust from nothing too. I was completely
22:58
Speaker 5: secure with him. He was just a really amazing guy,
23:01
Speaker 5: like did everything for me. I know it sounds like
23:04
Speaker 5: I have him onn a better stool, but I have
23:07
Speaker 5: very high standards and he met all of them. Definitely
23:11
Speaker 5: thought this was my husband. We had a whole future
23:13
Speaker 5: plan together, lots of future plans, really beautiful relationship. Like
23:19
Speaker 5: I'm gonna start crying. Oh no, Anyway, I've been dating
23:25
Speaker 5: for four years and he got really drunk, got left
23:29
Speaker 5: alone by his friends. Not their fault, but yeah, he
23:31
Speaker 5: cheated on me after all of that, and we were
23:37
Speaker 5: going to work through it because of how good the
23:39
Speaker 5: relationship had been. And we did that for three weeks
23:43
Speaker 5: and he was really good, did everything he would have
23:46
Speaker 5: needed to do. But after three weeks he just like
23:50
Speaker 5: collapsed and guilt. Really he doesn't think he can be
23:53
Speaker 5: with me. He doesn't think I should be with someone
23:55
Speaker 5: who ever cheated on him. So yeah, now I'm dealing
23:58
Speaker 5: with getting like dumped and abandoned as well, which feels
24:02
Speaker 5: even worse. Yeah, I don't even know what my question is.
24:07
Speaker 5: I am out of the shop phase maybe now, but
24:11
Speaker 5: don't know how to keep going.
24:13
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you're going through. That's fucking awful, especially when, yeah,
24:17
Speaker 1: like you had such a healthy relationship, there were no
24:19
Speaker 1: red flags, everything was going really well. He just yeah,
24:22
Speaker 1: I hate this for you.
24:25
Speaker 3: Now.
24:25
Speaker 1: I know you're not specifically asking like a specific question,
24:28
Speaker 1: but I do want to, like, let's talk, we'll kind
24:30
Speaker 1: of unravel it. There's so many layers to cheating, right,
24:37
Speaker 1: There's the different kinds of cheating. I always say that
24:39
Speaker 1: for me, if I was going to get cheated on,
24:42
Speaker 1: I would rather this kind of thing, like a one
24:45
Speaker 1: night stand and then you come clean the next day,
24:47
Speaker 1: because at the very least while you're actually I mean,
24:50
Speaker 1: no one wants to be cheated on full stop. And
24:51
Speaker 1: it hurts fucking a lot regardless. And I've been cheated
24:55
Speaker 1: on in both ways. I've been cheated on one night
24:56
Speaker 1: stand kind of vibes like yours, and I've been cheated
24:59
Speaker 1: on a fair kind of cheating on. And I prefer lol,
25:02
Speaker 1: like take your pick, I prefer the a fair one,
25:07
Speaker 1: especially if they come claim, because it's like, at least
25:09
Speaker 1: you're not spinning a web of lies and fully getting
25:11
Speaker 1: in my psyche and like trying to fool me like
25:14
Speaker 1: a fuck with at least you've gone and done the
25:16
Speaker 1: bad thing and then you've come clean and thought, hey,
25:19
Speaker 1: this is like what I've done, and I hate that
25:21
Speaker 1: I've done it. And yes, I've gone and broken the trust,
25:23
Speaker 1: but I've been honest, you know. So in a way,
25:27
Speaker 1: the fact that he you didn't say, he can't claim,
25:29
Speaker 1: but I'm guessing that's how you found out. I'm guessing
25:31
Speaker 1: he can claim to you in a way that's obviously
25:33
Speaker 1: a lot of vulnerability and strength in the relationship. While
25:36
Speaker 1: it feels like a massive crack, there are a lot
25:38
Speaker 1: of good things out of that. Now, if the only
25:41
Speaker 1: reason what I'm wondering here is is that really maybe
25:46
Speaker 1: the fact that he went and did that. Maybe the
25:49
Speaker 1: last three weeks trying to like correct and change and
25:52
Speaker 1: do the work and all of that, maybe he came
25:54
Speaker 1: to the realization that he's not in the heads best
25:56
Speaker 1: to be in the relationship at all. Maybe the fact
25:59
Speaker 1: that he cheated me him question like why did I cheat?
26:03
Speaker 2: Why?
26:03
Speaker 1: Yes, I was really drunk, But really, ultimately, what's led
26:06
Speaker 1: me to this thing? Is it purely just that I
26:08
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, I'm just going to do something crazy?
26:10
Speaker 3: Is it?
26:10
Speaker 5: Like?
26:11
Speaker 1: Sometimes people sit with these thoughts and yes, it's the guilt,
26:14
Speaker 1: but sometimes that rumination also makes them be like, maybe
26:17
Speaker 1: there was an underlying thing here that I wasn't fully
26:20
Speaker 1: in on this relationship. I wasn't fully committed, and instead
26:24
Speaker 1: of ending it in a healthy way, I've gone and
26:26
Speaker 1: kind of sabotaged it for myself. Maybe he's come to
26:29
Speaker 1: that realization. I don't know if you're on talking ternes
26:31
Speaker 1: with this, but this might be worth bringing up with him, saying,
26:33
Speaker 1: you know, as hard as it is, I'd rather hear
26:37
Speaker 1: the truth than what you think is going to make
26:39
Speaker 1: me feel better. I think a lot of people think, oh, well,
26:41
Speaker 1: if I let you down easy, and if I say
26:43
Speaker 1: something like the reason I'm breaking up with you is
26:46
Speaker 1: because you don't deserve to be with someone that chair like.
26:48
Speaker 1: Can't shut the fuck up. If I want to be
26:50
Speaker 1: in a relationship with you, it doesn't matter who deserves
26:52
Speaker 1: what doesn't deserve it, right Like, we're not in that headspace.
26:54
Speaker 1: If I'm in love, I'm in love. I don't care
26:55
Speaker 1: about deserving shit. So it actually doesn't help when someone
26:58
Speaker 1: says something like that. It's not helpful. However, if you said,
27:01
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be dead honest with you, I think you're
27:04
Speaker 1: fucking awesome. But after having cheated on you, I thought
27:07
Speaker 1: long and hard about it, and I realized that there
27:08
Speaker 1: was this deep, underlying thing that I just didn't want
27:11
Speaker 1: to be in this relationship. As much as I can
27:13
Speaker 1: acknowledge that you're a great, great catch, not for me,
27:17
Speaker 1: and I sabotaged it because I didn't know how to. Like,
27:20
Speaker 1: I consciously wasn't aware that I needed to end it
27:22
Speaker 1: to your face, because at least if someone was to
27:25
Speaker 1: say something like that, or if you were to you know,
27:27
Speaker 1: then it would help you be like, Okay. As fucking
27:30
Speaker 1: heartbreaking as that is, maybe even more so, at least
27:34
Speaker 1: it kind of gives me a definitive there's no fucking
27:37
Speaker 1: turning around, because when you are healing from a relationship breakdown,
27:44
Speaker 1: the idea this is when I say, hope is week dog.
27:46
Speaker 1: A lot of people think that I'm really awful by
27:47
Speaker 1: saying hope is week dog. I talk about it specifically
27:49
Speaker 1: in hoping for your ex to come back. In that context,
27:53
Speaker 1: when when you're in this nor here nor there, I
27:58
Speaker 1: are they going to come back? Do they still love him?
27:59
Speaker 3: Maybe?
28:00
Speaker 1: Oh my god, but they're still in love with me
28:01
Speaker 1: and they just feel really guilty. So they left me
28:03
Speaker 1: and it's really tragic, and I've I've got to go
28:04
Speaker 1: through this and versus this is never gonna happen. The
28:07
Speaker 1: reason this relationship is over is because I ultimately don't
28:10
Speaker 1: want to be with you. Then you've got that definitive answer.
28:13
Speaker 1: There's no hoping, there's no well, you're going to turn around,
28:16
Speaker 1: maybe you change your mind, there's none of that. You
28:17
Speaker 1: know for a fact. It is dead in the water.
28:21
Speaker 1: So you can then be as painful as it is.
28:24
Speaker 1: You don't. You might not recognize it at the time,
28:26
Speaker 1: but that's where the real healing begins. When the answer
28:28
Speaker 1: is clear, when there is in a oh, maybe one, Oh, no,
28:31
Speaker 1: I need to get over it, but then tomorrow I'm
28:33
Speaker 1: really hopeful, and then today I'm really realistic, and then
28:35
Speaker 1: tomorrow that fucks you around and wastes your time, and
28:40
Speaker 1: time is something you're never ever ever going to get back. Now,
28:43
Speaker 1: what do you do? Because I also don't like this
28:46
Speaker 1: idea of thinking that you need closure from someone else.
28:48
Speaker 1: You need closure, You need closure, but closure is what
28:53
Speaker 1: is going to help you start to process it in
28:55
Speaker 1: a healthier way and begin to heal and then move forward.
29:00
Speaker 1: You've got to decide is closure something that I can
29:03
Speaker 1: give myself in this and stop hoping and think will
29:06
Speaker 1: this change because everything was so perfect? And will you
29:08
Speaker 1: know because you're saying you've come to terms with the
29:11
Speaker 1: shock now you're in the processing right Or is closure
29:15
Speaker 1: something that, like, can I have a conversation with him
29:17
Speaker 1: where I feel like I could get some understanding as
29:20
Speaker 1: to maybe, like, really, the reason that it's ending is
29:22
Speaker 1: because actually doesn't want to be in this relationship and
29:24
Speaker 1: while it's painful to hear, then that is a form
29:26
Speaker 1: of closure. Ideally, you want to be able to provide
29:30
Speaker 1: the closure for yourself. Ideally, you want to be able
29:32
Speaker 1: to say you know what, I can look through these things.
29:34
Speaker 1: I can look at that, and ultimately, no matter how
29:36
Speaker 1: shocking and horrible it is, I don't see this ever
29:40
Speaker 1: getting back together. I don't see it ever healing, and
29:42
Speaker 1: I don't see him ever wanting to return. And if
29:44
Speaker 1: I can get to that point of like real, I've
29:46
Speaker 1: closing the chapter. As painful as it is, and as
29:50
Speaker 1: sad as it is, and as much as you're going
29:52
Speaker 1: to miss him, and as difficult as the next chapter
29:54
Speaker 1: is going to be, at least you can start on
29:56
Speaker 1: the next chapter because while you're in this headspace of
30:00
Speaker 1: I can't believe this has fucking happened. Does this mean
30:02
Speaker 1: that he could actually turn around and do the healing
30:05
Speaker 1: work and then come back to me, Then you're not
30:07
Speaker 1: going to be healing. Okay, So I don't know if
30:09
Speaker 1: that's exactly what your question was, but that is kind
30:11
Speaker 1: of my advice to it. Ask yourself, what does closure
30:14
Speaker 1: look like? And is it possible that I can give
30:15
Speaker 1: this closure to myself? And closure is you saying this
30:19
Speaker 1: chapter is closed? Closure isn't. Oh well, I think they
30:23
Speaker 1: actually want to be back with me, but it'll be
30:25
Speaker 1: in a year's time. No, no, no, it's closing the chapter,
30:28
Speaker 1: hence the word closure. Can I close that chapter or
30:32
Speaker 1: do I need someone else to close it for me?
30:34
Speaker 1: The moment you can do it for yourself, or the
30:36
Speaker 1: more you can do it for yourself, the more in control,
30:39
Speaker 1: the more autonomy, the more control over your circumstances you're
30:42
Speaker 1: going to feel, even in a really hard time, even
30:45
Speaker 1: in heartbreak. If you can provide that closing of the door,
30:49
Speaker 1: you start to maybe not instantly, but you slowly start
30:52
Speaker 1: to gain a little bit more controller for your life, right,
30:55
Speaker 1: and then a bit more the next day, and a
30:57
Speaker 1: bit more the next day, and then that's how you
30:58
Speaker 1: start to steer it. So yeah, I really hope that
31:00
Speaker 1: that helped, and I hate that you're going through that.
31:02
Speaker 1: And this is just one of those situations in life
31:04
Speaker 1: where it's you can just say it's fucked unfair and
31:08
Speaker 1: it's fucked and it sucks. And that's unfortunately what builds resilience,
31:12
Speaker 1: and no one wants it, but it's what makes you grow.
31:16
Speaker 1: It's what steers you in a direction that maybe you
31:19
Speaker 1: never even thought off in your life, and maybe steers
31:22
Speaker 1: you in a better direction later down the line. Okay,
31:26
Speaker 1: well likely in a better direction because because you grow
31:29
Speaker 1: so much from it. Anyway, thanks so much for sending
31:31
Speaker 1: in your questions. Guys. That was awesome and I look
31:34
Speaker 1: forward to the head Noise next week and we're doing
31:36
Speaker 1: the email head noise anyway, that is off for today's episode.
31:39
Speaker 1: Love you so much. As always, remember you can't yourself,
31:41
Speaker 1: you can't do your bread, don't take shit from anyone,
31:44
Speaker 1: and especially don't taket shit from yourself. Don't care