Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / What to do about my lazy nephew?

Transcript

What to do about my lazy nephew? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, welcome to another episode of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Doc David, and I am here today to answer a question about a lazy nephew.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Stay tuned.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Doc David.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I received an email question, and I'm gonna read it to you and I'll give you an answer.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's about a nephew.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: My nephew has stayed with me since mid-January, and it's wearing on my nerves.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Him being here has reminded me why I swore I wouldn't ever have him stay with me.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently that swearing didn't work.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: My nephew is disrespectful, condescending, ungrateful, and rude.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: He has been that way since he legally became an adult.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: He is twenty-two and has been out on his own for a few months at a time.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought that would help him grow up a little wrong, all in caps.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I have a feeling he was disrespectful before he was twenty-two, but I don't know why you don't recognize that now.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I want him out, but I know his options would be very limited.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: He is not welcome home at his mom's because of his attitude.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: When he was home, his mom babied him.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't pay rent, didn't contribute to the home, buy his own food, clean, etc.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oddly enough, I started doing the same thing the first week he was here.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: When his attitude started to surface, I stopped and made him start buying his own food because he wasted my food, and when I talked to him about it, he said, it's just food.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also charging him$50 a week for rent, but he is very behind.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: When he does pay something, it is very sporadic.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I find myself arguing with him about things that I shouldn't, like how things should be in my house.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: An example.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: He works for a cable company, and they wanted him to hook up the most recent cable system at his residence, which is mine.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: When the cable guy came to hook up the cable, there was no cable connections in the second bedroom.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: So the cable guy said they don't wall fish, but he can drill a hole in my wall and have the cord coming down my living room wall.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I said no, but my nephew took it upon himself and said yes.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So they drilled a hole in my wall.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not only does he give attitude, he won't clean the main main floor half, a bath he uses, and he leaves the kitchen a mess oftentimes.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking next time he gives attitude, it's just a matter of time, then I'd give him a two-month notice.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be fair and thought that would be fair without feeling guilt.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Any thoughts of what would be fair or maybe what rules someone like my nephew could follow?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anything would be great.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, Connie.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a couple thoughts on this.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um if I was staying in your home as your guest, I have a feeling all these things that you just laid out about your nephew you wouldn't tolerate from from me.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm a guest in your house.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so I often think, why would you tolerate that from somebody like your nephew?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And is it simply because they have similar DNA as you?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, because if you think about it, all these things, all these fairly outrageous things that you're tolerating, you're tolerating I have a feeling to either keep peace in your house or because you feel some type of obligation to this person.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um whereas if I was doing these things as a guest in your home, you would have no you would kick, you probably would have kicked me out within the first month.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or you would have had me arrested, or you would have taken me to court to reimburse you for things.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the first thing I if you or someone listening to this podcast is tolerating bad behavior, you need to ask yourself why you're tolerating that bad behavior.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you say in this letter, Connie, that well, you're just trying to give him a break.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's possible.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or I think a more important thing to look at is there's some type of obligation that you have towards him that may not be about him.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It may be about a brother, a sister, a grandfather, a grandmother, or some someone else in the family that you feel an obligation uh towards.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you say, what would be fair or maybe rules someone like my nephew could follow?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, again, based on what you've written, it seems like there have been a very reasonable expectation or very reasonable sets of rules that have been applied that have consistently been stepped over.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, I think the problem here is that he's 22, right?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So he can come and go as he pleases.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um he's not a 14-year-old where there is some control.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you go to a courthouse, for example, and you say, Um, help me with this 23 year old 22-year-old nephew, he's taking advantage of me, they would just say, Well, kick him out.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And initially, that's my thought is like why give him two months?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You've been pretty kind and pretty fair to him.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just say, you know what, you need to be out by next week?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're not willing to do that with somebody, I think it's perfectly reasonable to say to them, and this is not threatening, that's the important part here, is that you don't threaten, you just give information.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You say, you know, I don't think this is going to be working out for us, this arrangement that we have.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so um I need you to move out in, you know, you could say a month, two months, um, and I will even help you find a place to stay.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or I will even, and this is maybe I hesitate to say this because it's if you can do it financially, then I would say do it.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can't do it financially, don't.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um maybe even be willing to pay the first month's rent for the person or leave a security deposit.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think a lot of times the inability to put down a secure deposit is prevents people from moving into a great place that they could afford.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have that option where financially you can do that, that I think is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now you say you give him two months.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I I wouldn't give him more than two months.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I want to be, you know, I want you want to probably be compassionate to some degree, which I think you've been pretty compassionate this far with the um abuse that you've taken from him.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean, too much two months notice I think is reasonable.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um as far as rules that he could follow, he's 22, he he follows his own rules.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so for you uh in this house, you've had rules, he hasn't followed them, and you know, I I can understand a first couple conversations about hey, you know, this is something I'm expecting from you, and then he doesn't follow it, then you move out.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you have had him in your home for about seven months now, and from the start he's been doing this.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so this there is the piece that your nephew plays in this that okay, he has bad behavior.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: But the other piece I think that plays into this is you and your inability to um create structure and strict boundaries in the relationship.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I it sounds like from from a you say that was a problem with the um with his mother as well.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that your nephew just has never really experienced strong structure and boundaries in his life.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I'm sure that he was not like this all of a sudden at 22.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I have a feeling he was like this at you know 14 years of age, 17 years of age, 20 years of age, but people weren't weren't willing to call him out on it.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: They were either you know too busy, felt bad for him, or or whatever the reason.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so now it's an opportunity for you as the aunt to say, you know what, you can't live like this in my house and you need to move on.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that puts the ball back in his court.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: He can decide, um, yikes, I'm gonna have to do this on my own.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I better straighten up, and then he straightens up, or he says, Um, screw you, I'm going to move out.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it would be great for purposes of a like a good relationship that he recognized the stuff that he's doing.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I have a feeling, um, since this is the probably will be his first experience with a a consequence of some sort, um, he's probably not going to take it well.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but my encouragement to you is I mean, this is your life, this is your home, this is the place where you feel safe, and so you shouldn't have people in there that are making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think you need to give him the information very clearly.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Again, don't threaten him, just say this is not working out, and you're gonna need to find other plans.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Here is the timeline that you have to do it in two months, and then he has to decide.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: He's a big boy, he's 22, he's working, he needs to be able to figure this kind of stuff out on his own.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for the question.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Feel free to email more questions at headshrink at gmail.com.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Doc David with the Head Shrink Inc.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Show.