Latest / I Do, Part 2 / The 8 Things Emotionally Secure People Never Share About Themselves

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The 8 Things Emotionally Secure People Never Share About Themselves · I Do, Part 2

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  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. It is Saturday, September 19th, and we
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  Speaker 1: are going to reveal in this episode which one of
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  Speaker 1: us is emotionally secure and which one is not. And
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  Speaker 1: with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ.
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  Speaker 1: I have that right. You said emotionally secure people or
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  Speaker 1: mature people? Secure, right?
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  Speaker 2: Secure. Secure.
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  Speaker 1: Emotionally. You told me this. There is a test you
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  Speaker 1: have here about Emotional security.
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  Speaker 2: It's not really a test.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, but, well, there are questions that you're going to
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  Speaker 1: be able to answer that you're going to pass or fail,
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  Speaker 1: if you will, and tell you.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to list eight things that emotionally secure people
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  Speaker 2: do not share.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, and you told me what you found in all
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  Speaker 1: this is that one of us is emotionally secure and
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  Speaker 1: one is not.
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  Speaker 2: I would say one is more emotionally secure than the other.
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  Speaker 2: I don't share some of these things. But basically, if
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  Speaker 2: you're an over-sharer, it actually is a signal that you
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  Speaker 2: are emotionally insecure.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, can you define that for me first of all?
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  Speaker 2: You just, you blurt out everything. You overshare. So here's
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  Speaker 2: an idea. Someone asks you, how's the job hunt going?
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  Speaker 2: And all of a sudden you say, well, and you say,
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  Speaker 2: here's the salary that I'm holding out for. You talk
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  Speaker 2: about the recruiter who ghosted you and then a theory
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  Speaker 2: about why. And then you're going to tell them about
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  Speaker 2: your weekend. You just start telling way too many things
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  Speaker 2: about yourself.
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  Speaker 1: That's a scenario in practice, but what does it mean
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  Speaker 1: to be... an emotionally insecure person. What is that?
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  Speaker 2: Well, they say the difference is in what you share
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  Speaker 2: with somebody, who you're sharing it with, and why you're
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  Speaker 2: sharing it. So emotionally secure people talk plenty. They just
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  Speaker 2: don't need the story they're telling to do the job
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  Speaker 2: for them. They keep things to themselves and so that
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  Speaker 2: they can stay more practical and even maybe mysterious. They
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  Speaker 2: don't overshare. And that means they're secure with who they are.
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  Speaker 2: They're not trying to prove who they are and how important.
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  Speaker 1: They are or, Ah, emotionally insecure people are always trying
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  Speaker 1: to prove something.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you're trying to prove.
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  Speaker 1: They're always trying to prove themselves.
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  Speaker 2: Through deeds, through works.
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  Speaker 1: I'm valuable.
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  Speaker 2: I'm important.
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  Speaker 1: All right, gotcha, gotcha.
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  Speaker 2: What happens in my life matters.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, all right.
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  Speaker 2: And so when you overshare, and again, it's not about
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  Speaker 2: how much you talk. It's what you talk about, who
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  Speaker 2: you tell it to, and why you're doing it.
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  Speaker 1: And what did you learn about yourself in doing this?
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  Speaker 2: I've always known I tended to be an oversharer, and
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  Speaker 2: so I think when you're aware of it, you recognize it,
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  Speaker 2: you can first start seeing it in other people and think, ooh,
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  Speaker 2: I I think I do that too. And then I've
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  Speaker 2: taught myself, wow, I'm doing it again. And you do
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  Speaker 2: have to ask yourself, why do I feel the need?
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  Speaker 2: I can tell you that I think I've lied to
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  Speaker 2: myself and said, well, I'm just, I'm sharing and it's
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  Speaker 2: a shared experience and we can all relate and we
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  Speaker 2: can all feel like we're a part of it. But
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  Speaker 2: really it's telling people something about yourself. I mean, it
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  Speaker 2: is an opportunity. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves usually. And
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  Speaker 2: when you can start recognizing that in yourself and you
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  Speaker 2: can start asking yourself, wait, why do I need to
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  Speaker 2: say this right now? Is this important to the story?
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  Speaker 2: Is this important to the conversation? Or am I really
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  Speaker 2: just feeding my ego right now?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so eight what? Questions that... So here it is.
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  Speaker 2: Eight things that emotionally secure people will not share.
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  Speaker 1: Eight things. If you are an emotionally secure person.
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  Speaker 2: You will not share.
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  Speaker 1: You will not share this. Okay.
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  Speaker 2: Okay. Number one, emotionally secure people do not broadcast their
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  Speaker 2: income or what things cost them.
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  Speaker 1: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: That is so true, right? So money is one of
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  Speaker 2: the quickest way that people, it changes how people see you.
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  Speaker 2: It changes what people think of you. And that is
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  Speaker 2: just such a flag when you, yes.
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  Speaker 1: So. Do you think you do that?
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  Speaker 2: No, I don't. I might say what things cost and
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  Speaker 2: I'll say it like, I got this on sale. Like, yes,
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  Speaker 2: I have been that person. But I don't think I
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  Speaker 2: brag about how much something costs. What do I say?
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  Speaker 2: You're saying I do, but I don't think I do.
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  Speaker 1: We can talk about it.
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  Speaker 2: No, but what have I, no, I'm curious. What have
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  Speaker 2: I said how much things cost?
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  Speaker 1: Are you serious? You want me to? Yes, you have
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  Speaker 1: a tendency to flex or to floss or to, I
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  Speaker 1: think it happens with strangers sometimes. send a signal to
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  Speaker 1: them in some way that you are of means.
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  Speaker 2: So I give a dollar amount about how much I
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  Speaker 2: paid for something?
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  Speaker 1: No, no, no. I just don't remember doing that. You'll
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  Speaker 1: make examples of something. Yeah, we flew here. It was
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  Speaker 1: how we had to get these three Cs because first
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  Speaker 1: class was da-da-da. You drop those things a lot about
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  Speaker 1: where you were living. Yeah, we were living here in da-da-da. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it was a triplex, but da-da-da-da. and you'll say a thing,
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  Speaker 1: you will drop little things that give status. Okay.
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  Speaker 2: Well, this was about actually naming a number so that
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  Speaker 2: you can compare. I'm not saying that that isn't a
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  Speaker 2: part of it. I'm just saying this is broadcasting their income.
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  Speaker 2: I've never broadcast my income. I mean, if I'm saying
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  Speaker 2: something to you, it's different. You think I tell people
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  Speaker 2: how much I make?
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  Speaker 1: I've never heard you do that.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, okay.
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  Speaker 1: No, nobody does that. No, of course not.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, yes, people do.
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  Speaker 1: Who volunteers that? Who's just going to tell people, walking
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  Speaker 1: them down the street, how much money they make?
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  Speaker 2: All right. Number two, they keep goals to themselves until
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  Speaker 2: they've done the work. So they don't broadcast, here's what
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to do. Here's what I'm about to do.
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  Speaker 2: They just do it. So if they're training for a
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  Speaker 2: marathon or you're writing a book or you're applying for
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  Speaker 2: a job, you don't tell anybody what you're doing. You
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  Speaker 2: just do it. And that's an emotionally secure person doesn't
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  Speaker 2: need to tell people what they're doing so that they
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  Speaker 2: get whatever sort of attention for it. Like, look at
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  Speaker 2: me training for the marathon. Absolutely. I've done that. And
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  Speaker 2: I think you have too. Like, so, or like letting
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  Speaker 2: people know you're writing something or applying for something or
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  Speaker 2: trying out for something or auditioning for something. I've 100%
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  Speaker 2: done this. Really?
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  Speaker 1: Now this one, I don't, Rick, I don't.
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  Speaker 2: That's so funny. Because I don't think that I do
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  Speaker 2: the other thing that you said I do, but I
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  Speaker 2: absolutely think I do this.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. I don't attach this to you at all.
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  Speaker 2: They don't narrate their relationship problems to the group chat.
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  Speaker 2: So if they had a bad week with their partner
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  Speaker 2: or they had a fight with their friend, they don't
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  Speaker 2: sit there and crowdsource it and tell everybody. You won't
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  Speaker 2: get the transcript. They won't say, okay, and then he
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  Speaker 2: said this, and then he did this, and can you
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  Speaker 2: believe he did this? So emotionally secure people don't need
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  Speaker 2: to narrate their relationship problems to folks.
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  Speaker 1: Do you do that?
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  Speaker 2: I loyalty I have in the past. And I think
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  Speaker 2: that's just been about bad relationships and needing support. So
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  Speaker 2: I do think there are moments where it does work,
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  Speaker 2: I think with the girlfriend group. So I get what
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  Speaker 2: they're saying, but if you respect your partner and you
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  Speaker 2: have a loyal, I don't think you would throw your
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  Speaker 2: partner under the bus that much.
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  Speaker 1: But what are we up to now? The fourth one?
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  Speaker 2: Oh yeah. Number four.
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  Speaker 1: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: They don't announce the good things they do for other people.
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  Speaker 2: But emotionally insecure people will tell you all the time
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  Speaker 2: how they covered a coworker's shift or how they sent
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  Speaker 2: money to a friend who needed it or how they
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  Speaker 2: drove someone to a procedure or your kindness that you
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  Speaker 2: give other people you announce to everyone.
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  Speaker 1: Do you think you do that?
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  Speaker 2: I think I've done it before, for sure.
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  Speaker 1: Done it before, but are you that person?
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  Speaker 2: I hope I'm not. I hope I'm none of these things.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I can see a little bit of it.
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  Speaker 2: I hope... I think we might all have a little...
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  Speaker 2: Not all, but most people have a little bit of
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  Speaker 2: all of this in them. But I think it's good
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  Speaker 2: to kind of see these things broken down because then
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  Speaker 2: you can recognize it. You can say to yourself, oh, wow,
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  Speaker 2: I think I might be doing that emotionally insecure thing
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  Speaker 2: right now. I wonder why I'm doing that. And I'm not...
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  Speaker 2: And I actually... I'm so open to the fact that
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  Speaker 2: I do all of these things to some extent, but
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  Speaker 2: I think the whole point is to be open to
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  Speaker 2: the fact that you can recognize it and ask yourself,
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  Speaker 2: get curious. You don't have to shame yourself for it.
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  Speaker 2: You're not a bad person. You're not a terrible human being,
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  Speaker 2: but it's just an interesting moment to recognize it and
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  Speaker 2: then get curious about it. Number five, they keep decisions
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  Speaker 2: private while they're still deciding. They're thinking about leaving their job.
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  Speaker 2: They're thinking about leaving their relationship. Oh, yeah. They're thinking
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  Speaker 2: about moving out of the city. They don't crowdsource it
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  Speaker 2: and constantly talk about it and ask people what they
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  Speaker 2: think about it. They don't process it out loud, basically.
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  Speaker 2: They keep it to themselves. Secure people would decide first
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  Speaker 2: because they'd say, I'm the best person. person to decide this. I,
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  Speaker 2: another person can't know what's better for me about leaving
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  Speaker 2: a job or a relationship more than I can. So
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  Speaker 2: they trust themselves rather than ask other people what they
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  Speaker 2: should do. Okay.
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  Speaker 1: So where do you come down on this one?
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  Speaker 2: Um, I, I think I, these big decisions, I mean, I,
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  Speaker 2: I would, I would ask people who they affect if
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  Speaker 2: my decisions were to affect somebody. I'd say, what do
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  Speaker 2: you think? Or I think I've done it before. I
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  Speaker 2: don't think I do this all the time. How about you?
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  Speaker 1: No, and I was going to ask you, where do
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  Speaker 1: I come? Because all of these, do I, where am
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  Speaker 1: I on this list?
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  Speaker 2: You are incredibly private. So when I saw this article,
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  Speaker 2: I was laughing because this pretty much is you. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: you really, the only, no, I mean, I really don't
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  Speaker 2: see you doing any of these things, especially ad nauseum,
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  Speaker 2: like all the time.
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  Speaker 1: Or a lot. So you're telling me I'm emotionally secure?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you trust yourself emotionally. You trust yourself
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  Speaker 2: more than anyone else. So yes, you're emotionally secure, I
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  Speaker 2: would say. All right, when we come back, we've got
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  Speaker 2: number six, number seven, and number eight. And I'm just
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  Speaker 2: curious if anyone else is seeing themselves in these signs.
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  Speaker 2: We'll be right back. Welcome back everyone to relationship Saturday
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  Speaker 2: here on Amy and TJ relationship with yourself, relationship with
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  Speaker 2: your spouse, relationship with your friends. I feel like these, um,
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  Speaker 2: These signs are really important to recognize. And they're easy
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  Speaker 2: to see in other people. Oh my God, it's so
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  Speaker 2: easy to see other people do them. It is so
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  Speaker 2: hard to see yourself do them. So here's the next
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  Speaker 2: thing that emotionally insecure people don't share. They don't share
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  Speaker 2: their real opinions of people they know. So they might
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  Speaker 2: have thoughts about your new boyfriend. They might have thoughts about...
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  Speaker 2: your sister who, you know, is dissing you or the
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  Speaker 2: other sibling who never calls your mom, they don't say
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  Speaker 2: what they think unless they are asked directly. So they
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  Speaker 2: don't offer opinions of people they know. They don't talk
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  Speaker 2: shit about people, basically, unless you are directly asked, hey,
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  Speaker 2: what do you think of our friend who... who is
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  Speaker 2: so terrible to her husband. And then you would then
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  Speaker 2: answer them directly if you think the answer would help
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  Speaker 2: the situation and only then.
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  Speaker 1: Where do you come down on this one?
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  Speaker 2: I've gotten a lot better about this. When I was younger,
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  Speaker 2: terrible about it. I think gossip was just, you know,
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  Speaker 2: it is a toxic trait that you find in middle
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  Speaker 2: school and high school. And I think eventually, hopefully you
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  Speaker 2: recognize the toxicity of it and you remove yourself from it.
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  Speaker 2: But I actually remember I gave up gossip one year
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  Speaker 2: for Lent when I was in middle school. And it
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  Speaker 2: was really hard. Like every time someone started talking about somebody,
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  Speaker 2: instead of me jumping in or joining in or saying
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  Speaker 2: what I thought, I had to remove myself because I
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  Speaker 2: gave up gossiping for Lent. And that was such an eye-opener. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: But they say this is about discretion. And once you
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  Speaker 2: offer your opinion and You cannot take it back. Once
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  Speaker 2: you've said what you think of someone, every next interaction
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  Speaker 2: with them has that attached to it. Once you say
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  Speaker 2: something and you give an opinion about someone, you can't
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  Speaker 2: take it back. And so they just say emotionally secure
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  Speaker 2: people are very discreet with what they share about other
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  Speaker 2: people because people who need to be liked use opinions
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  Speaker 2: as currency.
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  Speaker 1: I am blown away by my emotional security.
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  Speaker 2: Are you?
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm going, you know me better than anybody, baby.
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  Speaker 1: You're describing me to a T here.
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  Speaker 2: I know.
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  Speaker 1: I will sit there, nothing to say. You asked me though.
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  Speaker 2: Sure. All right. Number seven, they don't lead with their wins.
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  Speaker 2: This is so you too. They got, they got the promotion. They, they,
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  Speaker 2: they got the degree. They closed the deal. You'll hear
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  Speaker 2: about it eventually, but maybe even from someone else. Not
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  Speaker 2: from them directly. You drive me crazy with this. Will
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  Speaker 2: you tell me? Say you get back from a long
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  Speaker 2: run and say you just had a PR, a personal record.
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  Speaker 2: I have to hoax it out of you. It's annoying
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  Speaker 2: to me. And they say that people, when they're emotionally secure,
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  Speaker 2: they're like, yeah, the win happened. It doesn't need a
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  Speaker 2: press release to have happened. It just happened. And they
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  Speaker 2: don't need to broadcast it to the world.
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  Speaker 1: Where are you on this one?
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  Speaker 2: Um, Oh, I absolutely will tell people when I get
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  Speaker 2: a promotion promotion or a win a hundred percent. I'm
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  Speaker 2: very excited to share that information with everyone who will
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  Speaker 2: listen fully admit that one. Um, this is interesting. They're
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  Speaker 2: selective about who hears their hardest stories. I'm terrible at this.
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  Speaker 2: I will say, because maybe with my breast cancer journey,
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  Speaker 2: I found so much fellowship and sisterhood and support. And
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  Speaker 2: it made me feel so good to hear other people's
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  Speaker 2: stories that I, in that particular instance specifically, and even
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  Speaker 2: with divorce, I feel like sharing it makes other people
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  Speaker 2: not feel so alone. But apparently that also makes me
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  Speaker 2: emotionally insecure. So they say, yes, an emotionally secure person
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  Speaker 2: also may have been through things, a divorce, a diagnosis,
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  Speaker 2: a childhood trauma. You may know them for a full
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  Speaker 2: year before you find out. If you do it all,
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  Speaker 2: there'll never be a monologue and they'll only bring it
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  Speaker 2: up if it's relevant. And that's so you. And it's
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  Speaker 2: so not me.
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  Speaker 1: What is this thing you're presenting to me, babe? Who knew?
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  Speaker 1: This is the last thing I would have described myself
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  Speaker 1: as emotionally secure. I had no idea.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, when it comes to these traits, um, I
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  Speaker 2: like this line in this. I'm going to read this
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  Speaker 2: from the article. Emotionally secure people have stopped needing their
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  Speaker 2: life to be witnessed in order to feel real. They
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  Speaker 2: still share, and with the right people, they share a lot.
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  Speaker 2: But the sharing is an offering rather than a request,
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  Speaker 2: and that's the difference. They're not asking you to confirm
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  Speaker 2: anything about themselves. They already know. That's emotional security.
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  Speaker 1: My favorite line, one of my favorite lines, it doesn't
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  Speaker 1: matter what they call you, you already know who you are.
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  Speaker 1: And I don't know where I, it took years to
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  Speaker 1: figure that out and learn that and get comfortable. But yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm shocked and a little thrown and maybe I should
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  Speaker 1: be a little proud or think I'm doing maybe something right.
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  Speaker 1: But yeah, but I don't know how it happens, but
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  Speaker 1: I have, and you see it and you witness it.
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  Speaker 1: You describe me as all those things that you just
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  Speaker 1: went through. Oftentimes you ask me, how do you do that?
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  Speaker 1: I'm not like that. I can't do that. I don't know, babe.
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  Speaker 1: I really don't know how I picked that up. I
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  Speaker 1: didn't practice. I wasn't trying to become emotionally secure. I
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  Speaker 1: didn't know I was becoming emotionally secure.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And here I sit.
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  Speaker 2: You walked to the beat of a different drummer.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, goodness.
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  Speaker 2: That's for sure. With that, everyone, we hope this helps.
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  Speaker 2: I always like a little self-reflection on a Saturday. But
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: with that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us.
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  Speaker 2: I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.