Latest / The You Project / #1969 Who We Are vs. Who We Want To Be - Harps & Tiff

Transcript

#1969 Who We Are vs. Who We Want To Be - Harps & Tiff · The You Project

0:00
Speaker 1: I get a team at Harp's big surprise. I know. So.
0:05
Speaker 1: Tiffany and Cook aka tiff Cook aka Cookie has a
0:10
Speaker 1: podcast called Cool Roll with the Punches, Cool Roll with
0:14
Speaker 1: the Punches. I can say the name of this show. No,
0:17
Speaker 1: it's not the project. It's Roll with the Punches. It's
0:19
Speaker 1: her very own show. And every now and then I
0:24
Speaker 1: Melissa gives me a leave pass to walk out of
0:28
Speaker 1: typ Central and to meander over to gracefully. Of course
0:33
Speaker 1: you should see meander me miander. Fucking beautiful. It is
0:37
Speaker 1: to Roll with the Punches. HQ and did that recently.
0:41
Speaker 1: Tiff and I had beautiful chats about the human experience
0:46
Speaker 1: as we do. I quite enjoyed this. I hope you
0:50
Speaker 1: enjoy it as well. It's a bit of everything. It's
0:53
Speaker 1: a little bit of a conversational pop puree or a
0:57
Speaker 1: conversational small gas board. Anyway, Tiffany and Cook me on
1:04
Speaker 1: her show now over here doing a co share. That's
1:08
Speaker 1: two co shares this week. So either they were brilliant
1:11
Speaker 1: conversations or of a bit lazy. No, they were good.
1:15
Speaker 1: It was good.
1:16
Speaker 2: Enjoykray Anthony Haffner, can I please have your attention the
1:20
Speaker 2: start of the show.
1:21
Speaker 1: Shit shit, all right, I'm ready ready. I feel I
1:26
Speaker 1: should have dressed up. Also, i'd have known that it
1:28
Speaker 1: was happening.
1:30
Speaker 2: It's very fancy when you come on my show, very
1:32
Speaker 2: fancy over here with head quarters.
1:36
Speaker 1: Well, if anyone was watching what happened over the last
1:39
Speaker 1: ten minutes, they would have thought with the most technically
1:41
Speaker 1: inept motherfucker's on the planet, because me, who knows nothing,
1:46
Speaker 1: you who knows relatively everything. Between us, we couldn't get
1:50
Speaker 1: the echo to echo to echo to stop to stop.
1:57
Speaker 2: Very clever of you. I'm using a new platform. And yes,
2:01
Speaker 2: I've should have known that if anyone was going to
2:03
Speaker 2: come in and be problematic.
2:04
Speaker 1: It'd be you're You're welcome.
2:06
Speaker 2: I've got yeah, I've got big hopes and dreams for
2:09
Speaker 2: this episode. I wanted to I wanted to have a
2:11
Speaker 2: chat with you. So are you ready? Are you ready
2:14
Speaker 2: to bring your best? Well?
2:15
Speaker 1: I don't know, like people might think we're making this up,
2:18
Speaker 1: I actually don't know at all what we're talking about.
2:21
Speaker 1: We haven't spoken one bit about the content. You've just
2:23
Speaker 1: been yelling at me to wear my headphones and then
2:27
Speaker 1: telling me, telling me that my background looks shit. My
2:31
Speaker 1: office looks shit and can you get one of those
2:33
Speaker 1: fake background I mean, firstly, I'm not getting paid for that.
2:38
Speaker 1: I'm not getting paid. I'm definitely not getting paid for
2:41
Speaker 1: the abuse that I take. I'm old, you need to
2:44
Speaker 1: be delicate with me. I'm a precious little thing.
2:48
Speaker 2: Can now I am a bit bossy.
2:51
Speaker 1: I feel like this is elderly abuse. That's what it's like.
2:57
Speaker 1: That's what I don't I mean, it could be a
2:59
Speaker 1: cry for help everyone. I'm not sure. We'll see how
3:03
Speaker 1: it goes. I'll let you go, let the audience monitor
3:07
Speaker 1: see whether or not there needs to be an intervention.
3:12
Speaker 2: All right, Well, I'm sure they'll let us know. Hey,
3:15
Speaker 2: we we had a coffee the other day and we
3:16
Speaker 2: were having a chat and I was I've been thinking
3:20
Speaker 2: about it for the last couple of days, yes, and
3:22
Speaker 2: thought that it would make any And it's not something
3:25
Speaker 2: that we haven't talked about before, but I don't think
3:28
Speaker 2: we've talked about it in depth. And I think it's
3:32
Speaker 2: one of those things that evolves and it just it's
3:34
Speaker 2: just been playing on my mind, so I wanted to
3:36
Speaker 2: talk about it. Do you remember what we were talking about?
3:39
Speaker 1: Well, we didn't. We spend an hour together. I don't
3:42
Speaker 1: know which bit when we were talking about your presentation
3:47
Speaker 1: and and no.
3:51
Speaker 2: Not that, not that specifically we were talking so I
3:55
Speaker 2: know it ended up because because we have talked about
3:57
Speaker 2: this stuff before, I was like, we'll have a bit
3:59
Speaker 2: of a riff. But I also spent some time writing
4:02
Speaker 2: down some questions, so I might we're gonna have a chat,
4:04
Speaker 2: and then I might refer to some of these questions
4:06
Speaker 2: and just you can just riff on them. It was
4:09
Speaker 2: about that idea. It's the concept for me of the
4:13
Speaker 2: space between who we are and who we want to
4:17
Speaker 2: be and the experience of being emotional beings in the
4:23
Speaker 2: middle of that, trying to put it all together and
4:26
Speaker 2: have perspective. So we were talking about times when we
4:34
Speaker 2: I you, I know I have. I'm saying there's been
4:37
Speaker 2: times when I have had emotional responses to situations that
4:42
Speaker 2: aren't in alignment with how I want to support people
4:47
Speaker 2: or how I want to feel. But despite that desire
4:51
Speaker 2: and that sense of self in a moment, sometimes I
4:55
Speaker 2: emotionally react differently.
4:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I mean the idea of you know, when
5:00
Speaker 1: we think about personal development and human behavior and psychology
5:04
Speaker 1: and self help and all of the stuff that's in
5:07
Speaker 1: your wheelhouse and my wheelhouse. We're talking like right now,
5:11
Speaker 1: you know, methodically and logically, and you know, we're exploring
5:15
Speaker 1: these concepts and constructs with our brain, and we're you know,
5:19
Speaker 1: we're trying to in a way understand things, solve problems, plan, strategize.
5:27
Speaker 1: You know, who I want to be and how I
5:28
Speaker 1: want to be moving forward is very much a cognitive process.
5:34
Speaker 1: I want to be leaner or I want to be healthier.
5:36
Speaker 1: I want to be less reactive. I want to be
5:39
Speaker 1: more calm, I want to be more empathetic, more aware.
5:41
Speaker 1: I want to be a kind of human. I want
5:44
Speaker 1: to you know, be a values driven person. I want
5:48
Speaker 1: to walk my talk. I want to live in alignment.
5:50
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. All of these are ideas and concepts
5:53
Speaker 1: and intentions. None of those things are emotions. But the
5:57
Speaker 1: problem with us is we are We're very logical when
6:01
Speaker 1: we're planning and strategizing and timelining and building a protocol
6:06
Speaker 1: and an operating system, and then the kaka hits the
6:09
Speaker 1: fan and we're emotional idiots. We're like, all the fucking
6:14
Speaker 1: reason and logic and planning and intentions and strategies and
6:17
Speaker 1: structure and who I am and who I want to
6:19
Speaker 1: be and over the next twelve months, I'm going to
6:21
Speaker 1: do this and do that. And that's good. But quite
6:25
Speaker 1: often we default too who we've been and how we've
6:29
Speaker 1: been rather than who we want to be and how
6:32
Speaker 1: we want to be. So it's trying to be really practical.
6:38
Speaker 1: Am I an emotional creature? Yes I am, because we
6:40
Speaker 1: all are. That doesn't mean that you're having a breakdown
6:42
Speaker 1: or crying every day. It could be different emotions that
6:45
Speaker 1: drive you. But you know, the logic and the kind
6:50
Speaker 1: of intention of how I want to be moving forward
6:55
Speaker 1: isn't a natural byproduct in the future just because I
6:59
Speaker 1: want it. We need to do the work. And like
7:02
Speaker 1: I think I said to you the other day, something
7:04
Speaker 1: like like you and I ll full disclosure. You can
7:08
Speaker 1: edit this if you want, but I'm not going to
7:10
Speaker 1: say anything that's not true. So you and I had,
7:14
Speaker 1: let's call it a moment, We had a moment about
7:16
Speaker 1: a month or two ago where there was just some
7:19
Speaker 1: shit that went down that wasn't nothing, you know, dark
7:24
Speaker 1: or sinister, but and it was really a lack of
7:29
Speaker 1: communication and misunderstanding and maybe both of us assuming things
7:35
Speaker 1: that weren't true, right, And then in the middle, now
7:39
Speaker 1: both of us were pretty emotional, you know, not yelling
7:45
Speaker 1: and screaming, but it was just like, but just and
7:49
Speaker 1: even you know me, who does what I do and
7:51
Speaker 1: I teach all this stuff and I talk about it
7:53
Speaker 1: and I write about it and I'm doing a doctorate
7:55
Speaker 1: in it and all that stuff. Underneath all of you know,
8:00
Speaker 1: the knowledge and awareness and whatever academic bullshit, I'm still
8:05
Speaker 1: an emotional human, you know. And it's trying to regulate
8:09
Speaker 1: and manage and navigate emotions moving forward, which I think
8:13
Speaker 1: quite often is the biggest determinant. It's like everyone's a
8:17
Speaker 1: theoretical champion, But let me see how you do all
8:21
Speaker 1: this stuff when you are emotional, when you are angry,
8:26
Speaker 1: when you are depressed, when you are and I'm not
8:28
Speaker 1: saying it's easy, by the way, but in the middle
8:31
Speaker 1: of the emotional turmoil and shitfest that is just day
8:35
Speaker 1: to day for most of us at times, trying to
8:39
Speaker 1: be that thing that you want to become. That's where
8:44
Speaker 1: the rubber hits the road, and that's where it's just
8:47
Speaker 1: sets and wraps. It's just repetition. It's just like up, yep,
8:50
Speaker 1: fucked up. You know, fuck up, step up, fuck up,
8:53
Speaker 1: step up, you know, fuck up less, step up more,
8:56
Speaker 1: fuck up less, step up more, and eventually there might
8:59
Speaker 1: be you know, that thing that used to trigger you
9:01
Speaker 1: doesn't trigger you, or it doesn't trigger you as much.
9:04
Speaker 1: Or that feeling that you used to have when someone
9:06
Speaker 1: did that thing or said that thing. That's not a
9:09
Speaker 1: nine out of ten, that's a three out of ten.
9:11
Speaker 1: Now that's not because the stimulus is different or what
9:14
Speaker 1: they're saying is different. It's that you are now different
9:17
Speaker 1: because you've done the work. You know. It's real personal
9:22
Speaker 1: to growth. Real personal growth is it's tough. It's not
9:27
Speaker 1: an idea, and it's not a book, and it's not
9:29
Speaker 1: a workshop, and it's not a podcast, and it's not
9:31
Speaker 1: a conversation between harps and tip. It's a fucking roll
9:35
Speaker 1: your sleeves up, get uncomfortable, stay uncomfortable, get back up, repeat.
9:42
Speaker 1: You know that's it for. It doesn't mean that it's
9:46
Speaker 1: you know, it's this perpetual bag of misery. It's not.
9:51
Speaker 1: But you know, real growth, real resilience, real development, real adaptation,
9:56
Speaker 1: real evolution does not happen in comfort or fun.
10:02
Speaker 2: I know, when with the surface level, when I think
10:05
Speaker 2: back to surface level stuff and I and I've known
10:09
Speaker 2: this for a long time and been mindful of it,
10:11
Speaker 2: that I had this great ability, which I think most
10:15
Speaker 2: people do, of making decisions and then justifying them and
10:21
Speaker 2: believing them afterwards to a version that it's so, why
10:24
Speaker 2: didn't I Why didn't I finish that thing? Why didn't
10:27
Speaker 2: I keep going in that direction? Why did I give up?
10:30
Speaker 2: Why do I self sabotage and realizing that I talk
10:35
Speaker 2: a bit of bullshit and then I believe it, Like
10:37
Speaker 2: I make decisions based on emotion and then I come
10:41
Speaker 2: up with a comfortable story and I don't even analyze that.
10:45
Speaker 2: And I think these days I see that now that
10:48
Speaker 2: plays out in a way more maybe more detrimental way
10:54
Speaker 2: in relationships because they're more emotional and then they involve
10:57
Speaker 2: other people. Yeah, interactions, they're not just facts. They're not
11:02
Speaker 2: just oh I did this thing. It's oh, there's my
11:05
Speaker 2: side of the story and my experience in my version
11:08
Speaker 2: of what I've put together, because I had a feeling
11:11
Speaker 2: and an emotion about a thing that I mightn't even
11:14
Speaker 2: be consciously aware of.
11:16
Speaker 1: Yes, well, what you're talking about is really high level
11:21
Speaker 1: self awareness, which is it's a challenge, you know, it's
11:26
Speaker 1: and you know, we don't like being wrong. We don't
11:32
Speaker 1: like going, hey, look there's some shit going on and
11:34
Speaker 1: I'm the problem. How many people say that? How many
11:37
Speaker 1: people have come to me over the years and spoken
11:39
Speaker 1: to me about a problematic relationship but with their mom,
11:43
Speaker 1: or with their partner, or with their boss, or with
11:45
Speaker 1: their next door neighbor or whoever, and gone, ah, there's
11:49
Speaker 1: all this shit going on with such and such, and
11:51
Speaker 1: I'm the problem. Like nobody says that. Nobody says that
11:55
Speaker 1: because they don't want to be the problem. But you know,
11:58
Speaker 1: and there are, of course, there are a time when
12:01
Speaker 1: the person you are talking to actually isn't the problem
12:04
Speaker 1: at all. But it is tough to realize that. You know,
12:11
Speaker 1: for most of us, we're going to be at least
12:13
Speaker 1: part of the problem most of the time. And that's
12:16
Speaker 1: you know, there's that almost like that four step step
12:20
Speaker 1: self awareness process, which is a step one is self reflection,
12:25
Speaker 1: is where you really deeply just ponder and consider like
12:29
Speaker 1: what's going on, and then your role in that and
12:31
Speaker 1: your part in that, and you know, there's the event
12:34
Speaker 1: as you spoke about, or the thing that happens, then
12:36
Speaker 1: your response to it. So this is really in the
12:38
Speaker 1: self reflection phase where you're trying to without i mean
12:45
Speaker 1: easier said than done, but without too much emotion, just
12:48
Speaker 1: reflect on what's happening. And then the next step of
12:50
Speaker 1: that is when you go, oh, well, this is what's happening,
12:53
Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing and not doing, which is
12:54
Speaker 1: self awareness. And then step three of that is self
12:59
Speaker 1: regulation and now where you realize a thing you need
13:02
Speaker 1: to try and manage or regulate yourself, your behavior, your emotions,
13:06
Speaker 1: your words, your actions and reactions, your outcomes differently. And
13:12
Speaker 1: then the fourth step of that is self actualization, where oh,
13:16
Speaker 1: you are becoming the person you want to become. You are,
13:20
Speaker 1: you are, how you want to be and who you
13:22
Speaker 1: want to be. And so for people who want to
13:25
Speaker 1: take notes, I'll say it again, So like self reflection,
13:28
Speaker 1: that's the part where you're just like as objective as
13:32
Speaker 1: you can or objectively as you can, which is easier
13:34
Speaker 1: said than done always, but try to just go okay,
13:37
Speaker 1: and what is really going on? Is this about tif?
13:40
Speaker 1: Is this about me? Is this about both of us?
13:43
Speaker 1: Did that thing that she was she really the problem was,
13:46
Speaker 1: you know whatever? So we're just trying to consider the
13:50
Speaker 1: thing that's going on and our role in the thing
13:52
Speaker 1: that's going on. And then once we can acknowledge or
13:56
Speaker 1: have that level of awareness, now we're in self awareness,
13:59
Speaker 1: which is good, and that level of self awareness opens
14:03
Speaker 1: a door for us to be able to try to
14:05
Speaker 1: change around that, you know, which is self regulation. And
14:10
Speaker 1: then through that process, then we become over time, with
14:13
Speaker 1: that humility and that awareness and that process and that work,
14:18
Speaker 1: we become different, which is, you know, a form of
14:20
Speaker 1: self actualization where you're becoming who you want to be
14:24
Speaker 1: and how you want to be. So even if all
14:27
Speaker 1: the stimuli around you are similar or identical, or the
14:30
Speaker 1: situation or the circumstance or the people or the job
14:33
Speaker 1: or the task or the challenge is kind of the same.
14:36
Speaker 1: Now because you've done the work, you're different, and so
14:39
Speaker 1: the experience for you is different, and also the experience
14:43
Speaker 1: of you for others is different.
14:47
Speaker 2: How do you deal with when we like, feelings of
14:53
Speaker 2: jealousy or insecurity or the stuff that pops up, how
14:57
Speaker 2: do you acknowledge the those feelings and separate them or
15:04
Speaker 2: manage them around the behavior that you want to exhibit.
15:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's a really good question. So let's go
15:13
Speaker 1: for me, or not for me necessarily, but for anyone.
15:16
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to think of some of those so
15:18
Speaker 1: jealousy insecurity, resentment, fear, which is more global than just
15:26
Speaker 1: a negative, but it's a disempowering belief anyway or state
15:31
Speaker 1: or feeling. So fear, resentment, jealousy insecurity, I reckon even
15:39
Speaker 1: like indifferent sometimes, But I think the way that in
15:44
Speaker 1: the context of this kind of awareness conversation, I try
15:50
Speaker 1: to treat it with curiosity. I'm like, oh, that's interesting.
15:55
Speaker 1: I think I told you the other day about the
15:58
Speaker 1: dude that would show me motorbike out the front of
16:01
Speaker 1: the cafe, you know, And so I'll tell our listeners,
16:04
Speaker 1: your listeners. So a guy was, you know, a newbie
16:08
Speaker 1: to motorbikes, and he had a new motorbike, good little motorbike.
16:11
Speaker 1: It was little. It was a two point fifty, which,
16:13
Speaker 1: if you know anything about motorbikes is pretty small engine
16:16
Speaker 1: and all that. But great. He was excited and I
16:20
Speaker 1: looked at the bike. I walked out and I went,
16:23
Speaker 1: nice bike, you know, because I knew it was new,
16:26
Speaker 1: and he looked like a learner, and I said, is
16:28
Speaker 1: it new? He said, oh, yeah, like three months or whatever.
16:31
Speaker 1: I was just talking to him and I said, well done,
16:34
Speaker 1: you know. And the funny thing is I kind of
16:38
Speaker 1: realized a couple of seconds after this encounter. I wanted
16:43
Speaker 1: him to go, oh, wow, you know, are you into motorbikes?
16:47
Speaker 1: Because I wanted to tell him about my motorbikes. Right,
16:49
Speaker 1: So I was in this moment looking for approval, which
16:53
Speaker 1: is not insecure at all, because and then maybe maybe
16:59
Speaker 1: even I don't think think so, but look, maybe even
17:01
Speaker 1: just assert a little bit of superiority. Oh well you've
17:03
Speaker 1: got that, I've got these, but he didn't ask. And
17:07
Speaker 1: then I'm like, oh fuck, this is hilarious. But I'm
17:10
Speaker 1: pretty sure in the moment I became aware of what. Firstly,
17:13
Speaker 1: I did want to make him feel good, and I
17:15
Speaker 1: did want to acknowledge his bike and say, hey, you know,
17:18
Speaker 1: it's a jungle out there, ride safe and all that
17:20
Speaker 1: stuff that I always say to new writers. But I
17:23
Speaker 1: also wanted him to know that the shit that I
17:25
Speaker 1: had in my garage right, because that's good for my ego.
17:29
Speaker 1: And the funny thing was he didn't. He wasn't at
17:31
Speaker 1: all interested, and yeah, that's just that where and after that,
17:38
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that is fucking hilarious at myself. I'm like,
17:43
Speaker 1: you are hilarious. Look at you. You want to get
17:46
Speaker 1: the approval and recognition of some person you've never met
17:50
Speaker 1: on Hampton Street. You want them to be impressed by you, Like,
17:54
Speaker 1: what the fuck is wrong with you? Mister fucking human behavior?
17:58
Speaker 1: You know all that, But this is what we do,
18:02
Speaker 1: you know. And the challenge with this is you are
18:04
Speaker 1: always going to fuck up because you're human. We are
18:08
Speaker 1: always going to be you know. It's like I wrote
18:11
Speaker 1: a thing yesterday about being scared, or maybe it was
18:13
Speaker 1: this morning, I don't know, but you know, you're always
18:16
Speaker 1: going to be a bit scared of something. Being scared
18:19
Speaker 1: is not weakness, like being insecure or resenting someone or
18:26
Speaker 1: being a bit jealous doesn't mean you're a horrible person.
18:30
Speaker 1: It means that you're human. But the challenge is in
18:34
Speaker 1: the middle of our humanity to try to recognize what's
18:36
Speaker 1: going on, maybe have a laugh at ourselves and go hey, harps,
18:40
Speaker 1: come on, do better. You don't need this, Like it's
18:44
Speaker 1: actually mister hay have a purpose bigger than you. Just
18:47
Speaker 1: make him feel great and fuck off, Like make him
18:51
Speaker 1: feel great and get the fuck out of the way,
18:55
Speaker 1: so you don't need to take your ego for a run,
18:58
Speaker 1: you know, and like all of that goes on in
19:00
Speaker 1: my head, you know, in thirty seconds. It's great when
19:06
Speaker 1: you lean into your own behavior and you start to
19:09
Speaker 1: really you know, metacognition that open that metacognitive door of
19:16
Speaker 1: thinking about why you think this way and why you
19:18
Speaker 1: talk this way, and metacognition even spills into emotions and well,
19:23
Speaker 1: why I respond this way? You know, these are great
19:27
Speaker 1: things to ask if you are on the journey of
19:31
Speaker 1: I want to be better than I currently am.
19:35
Speaker 2: Do you get curious about or do you think what
19:38
Speaker 2: do you think feeds into those maybe reoccurring experiences we
19:44
Speaker 2: might that we might have, and what can we explore
19:49
Speaker 2: to start getting a better understanding of what we might
19:52
Speaker 2: need out of running into them. If it's something that
19:56
Speaker 2: happens all the time, like if that's a repetitive thing,
19:59
Speaker 2: because the first thing it normally happens is with no
20:02
Speaker 2: self awareness, we do that, we have that conversation, we
20:04
Speaker 2: walked away like he was a bit of a dick. Yeah,
20:07
Speaker 2: And we don't even think about why we decide he's
20:09
Speaker 2: a bit of a dick. We just go he was
20:11
Speaker 2: a bit of a dick.
20:12
Speaker 1: Right, So I think some of the things, not all
20:16
Speaker 1: the things that some of the things that drive my
20:19
Speaker 1: ah less these days, but still, you know, it lingers
20:25
Speaker 1: my need for people to like me or think I'm good,
20:30
Speaker 1: or you know, to belong or to be accepted, or
20:34
Speaker 1: is from being the kid who wasn't accepted and didn't
20:38
Speaker 1: belong and all of that shit. Right, And you know,
20:41
Speaker 1: you can have all the knowledge you can get, the whatever,
20:43
Speaker 1: all the qualifications, all the knowledge or the understanding, all
20:46
Speaker 1: the insight, it doesn't change who you are at your core.
20:50
Speaker 1: It just changes what you know. It just changes your skills,
20:54
Speaker 1: It just changes perhaps your awareness, but you're still you.
20:59
Speaker 1: Like there's part of me that's still the fat fourteen
21:02
Speaker 1: year old insecure. Please love me, please pick me, please
21:06
Speaker 1: let me belong to your group, please notice me. There's
21:09
Speaker 1: part of me that and I know that it doesn't
21:12
Speaker 1: run my life and it doesn't control me. But I
21:16
Speaker 1: feel like with our psychological and emotional issues and even
21:23
Speaker 1: mental health issues, at times, I don't know that I
21:29
Speaker 1: don't know that we have evidence that we truly, ever,
21:32
Speaker 1: one hundred percent overcome them. I think what is more
21:37
Speaker 1: likely is that meta turning it into a metaphor. Let's
21:44
Speaker 1: say that we turn down the volume on it and
21:50
Speaker 1: it hasn't less of an influence on us, and we
21:55
Speaker 1: kind of coexist with it. Like I've said this many
21:58
Speaker 1: times to you, I can get up to do corporate
22:00
Speaker 1: gig to a thousand people where I'm getting paid lots
22:04
Speaker 1: of dough, I'm in a great, big room, and there's
22:06
Speaker 1: like it would absolutely fill most people with terror, But
22:13
Speaker 1: I'm relatively confident and comfortable because I've done it a lot.
22:17
Speaker 1: But also at the same time, I can still be
22:19
Speaker 1: feeling not good enough and insecure, but I just recognize
22:23
Speaker 1: that feeling for what it is. You know, it's an
22:28
Speaker 1: idea or it's a something that's a byproduct of, you know,
22:33
Speaker 1: lots of years of not being the guy up there
22:35
Speaker 1: that was accepted or whatever. So yeah, I think to it.
22:39
Speaker 1: It's like I was talking with Dr Jody about anxiety
22:44
Speaker 1: and the funny thing or one of the interesting things
22:46
Speaker 1: about anxiety is and panic attacks, for example, is you
22:50
Speaker 1: know when someone's in the middle of a panic attack,
22:52
Speaker 1: you feel like you're going to die, You feel like
22:54
Speaker 1: your heart's going to stop, you like it's the worst
22:56
Speaker 1: feeling of all time. But when you know, like I've
23:02
Speaker 1: been around quite a few people having panic attacks and
23:04
Speaker 1: usually I'll say something like how many times do you
23:08
Speaker 1: reckon you've been through a panic attack? And they'll often
23:10
Speaker 1: say hundreds, and I'll go and statistically, you didn't die
23:15
Speaker 1: any of those times. I go, well that's good, and
23:17
Speaker 1: they laugh a bit. I go, so, look, chances are
23:20
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not a guru in this space, but look,
23:23
Speaker 1: probably not going to die and they laugh. Right, But
23:26
Speaker 1: here's the truth, Like we know, as horrible as this feels,
23:31
Speaker 1: that's the emotion, that's the feeling, that's the physiology. The
23:34
Speaker 1: knowledge is the awareness is the logic is I'll get
23:39
Speaker 1: through this, do you know what I mean? So I
23:42
Speaker 1: think the human experience is, you know, in the one
23:47
Speaker 1: human is this collaboration and conflict and coexistence of what
23:54
Speaker 1: we know and what we feel. And I think that's
23:57
Speaker 1: every day all the time.
24:01
Speaker 2: Do you feel like when you have moments of like
24:09
Speaker 2: friction or fuck ups in this type of space, do
24:12
Speaker 2: you feel like you go to a place of like broke,
24:18
Speaker 2: like seeing that is where you're broken, or do you
24:21
Speaker 2: go to a place of I'm a I'm at the
24:24
Speaker 2: edge of a breakthrough. I'm about to learn something.
24:27
Speaker 1: Yeah. Or the other option or another option, which is
24:32
Speaker 1: more me is when I do something and this is
24:39
Speaker 1: a bad thing that I do. This is I'm not
24:40
Speaker 1: proud of this, but I get really angry at myself
24:44
Speaker 1: for not doing good work. Like if I go and
24:48
Speaker 1: I do a gig, I do a speaking giga workshop,
24:52
Speaker 1: a keynodor and this got zero to do with the
24:56
Speaker 1: money or the commercial viability of this or that. It's
24:58
Speaker 1: just yeah, and I when I make a mistake or
25:04
Speaker 1: I don't think I've delivered what I could. Yeah, I'm
25:12
Speaker 1: very hard on myself. Like I beat myself up, which
25:16
Speaker 1: I shouldn't. But at the same time, yeah, like these things,
25:21
Speaker 1: but I try to learn through that. I try to
25:23
Speaker 1: go all right, well, what is that about? Like I
25:26
Speaker 1: told you before we started, right, and your listeners maybe
25:28
Speaker 1: don't know, but I've got a thing called you station
25:32
Speaker 1: tube dysfunction, which is ETD, And like right now, my
25:36
Speaker 1: left ear is blocked and there's no sympathy required or
25:42
Speaker 1: anything like that, but it's this conversation is fifty percent
25:46
Speaker 1: harder right now than a normal conversation for me because
25:51
Speaker 1: my voice is echoing in my head right, so my
25:54
Speaker 1: left ear is totally blocked. I can't hear out of
25:57
Speaker 1: my left ear. And this just happens on and off.
26:00
Speaker 1: Listeners comes, it goes, and there's no rhyme or reason,
26:05
Speaker 1: but it's been happening a lot. I probably need to
26:08
Speaker 1: go have an operation, but I can't, you know, I
26:12
Speaker 1: just go, well, it's here. I just need to be
26:15
Speaker 1: as present and as focused and as competent as I can,
26:20
Speaker 1: because I this is the funny thing with me. I
26:22
Speaker 1: could do a thirty or forty minute podcast with you
26:26
Speaker 1: where ten people listen, and I know a lot more
26:28
Speaker 1: people listen than that, but where ten people listen and
26:30
Speaker 1: it's you and me, and I care as much about
26:34
Speaker 1: this being good as I do a highly paid corporate
26:38
Speaker 1: gig to a thousand people, because for me, like talking
26:43
Speaker 1: to an audience where I'm sharing you know, whatever thoughts,
26:48
Speaker 1: ideas knowledge, information, inspiration where you might impact one person
26:53
Speaker 1: or more like, it's a real responsibility and a privilege.
26:59
Speaker 1: So even though you know me sitting right here in
27:01
Speaker 1: my office and you and your office and me with
27:03
Speaker 1: my ear blocked, and it's a Saturday AVO and it's
27:06
Speaker 1: all a bit whatever, I still care a lot. So
27:09
Speaker 1: I when I'm doing my thing, I every single time
27:14
Speaker 1: I try and bring the best version of me to that.
27:18
Speaker 2: MT. What what about you and self compassion?
27:24
Speaker 1: Yeah?
27:27
Speaker 2: Next, Yeah, I thought that must be a tough one. Yeah,
27:34
Speaker 2: I feel like you're really I feel like you're really
27:38
Speaker 2: self aware, and I think I feel like you care deeply.
27:42
Speaker 2: But I also think I get a sense that you
27:46
Speaker 2: have a lot of boundaries around your own Yeah. I
27:51
Speaker 2: don't know if you're I don't know how you are
27:54
Speaker 2: with self compassion. I'm interested.
27:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not great at it. I mean, I don't
27:58
Speaker 1: beat myself up. I don't. Well that's not true. I
28:01
Speaker 1: just said sometimes I do, but engen like I don't
28:04
Speaker 1: sit at home going you're a useless piece of shit.
28:06
Speaker 1: I hate myself. You know, there's none of that. But look,
28:12
Speaker 1: I mean this is you know, this is one of
28:15
Speaker 1: those moments when you're on a podcast and you think, fuck,
28:17
Speaker 1: do I keep opening the door or do I just
28:19
Speaker 1: pull it a bit closed? Yeah? All right, So I
28:27
Speaker 1: don't this does sound like self loathing. It isn't. I
28:32
Speaker 1: don't think highly of me like I think at my
28:37
Speaker 1: core I'm a good person, which is a very cheesy,
28:41
Speaker 1: cliche thing to say, but in terms of my talent
28:45
Speaker 1: and skills and yeah, I I yeah, I you know,
28:53
Speaker 1: have been I was gonna say riddled with that sounds overwhelming,
28:58
Speaker 1: but like by self doubt my whole life, right, So
29:02
Speaker 1: I think, And I think because a lot of you know,
29:07
Speaker 1: most kids grow up and they're really talented at something.
29:10
Speaker 1: They're either really creative, or they can fucking run fast
29:14
Speaker 1: or jump hile, or they can dance, or they're brilliant
29:16
Speaker 1: at maths, or they can write incredibly or there. I
29:19
Speaker 1: don't know, like a lot of kids seem to have
29:22
Speaker 1: something that they're just really naturally inherently great at, which
29:26
Speaker 1: kind of becomes almost like a social badge or a
29:29
Speaker 1: stepping stone to I wasn't at anything, and I'm like,
29:34
Speaker 1: maybe the only thing I was kind of good at
29:37
Speaker 1: because I had to be was communication, you know, was
29:41
Speaker 1: like chatting was like I always had kind of the
29:44
Speaker 1: gift to the gap and that, you know, And I
29:46
Speaker 1: literally got in trouble at school for that and literally
29:50
Speaker 1: got told by more than one teacher, you know, pull
29:53
Speaker 1: your head in. Nobody's ever going to pay to listen
29:55
Speaker 1: to you speak, so you should do some work so
29:58
Speaker 1: you can get a job. And they weren't even trying
30:01
Speaker 1: to be They're like, hey, sure, shape, I know you're
30:05
Speaker 1: great at talking, but that's not a job, so just
30:07
Speaker 1: do your fucking maths, you know. And I'm like and
30:11
Speaker 1: at the time I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. It
30:14
Speaker 1: turns out not totally true. Yeah, but look, I don't like,
30:22
Speaker 1: I'm relatively content with who I am and how I am,
30:25
Speaker 1: but I'm always not in an anxious way, but I'm
30:31
Speaker 1: I'm always kind of tweaking and pushing, and you know,
30:35
Speaker 1: I'm really curious about broadly human potential, what we can
30:40
Speaker 1: do be, create, change, learn, how we can evolve everything
30:45
Speaker 1: from you know, can you do a PhD when you're
30:48
Speaker 1: not very academic and you're in your sixties? There's that,
30:50
Speaker 1: and then there's well, how fit and strong and healthy
30:53
Speaker 1: and functional can I be when I should be on
30:57
Speaker 1: the slide? Or you know, it's like, how can I
31:04
Speaker 1: start a new business when I'm sixty? Can I learn
31:06
Speaker 1: new things? Can I can I get? You know? And
31:09
Speaker 1: then like with other people that I've worked with, the
31:12
Speaker 1: same thing, I'm like, oh, wow, this person has has
31:17
Speaker 1: never been to university or they've never had a job
31:21
Speaker 1: for more than six months, or they've never by the way,
31:24
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter if you go to university or they've
31:26
Speaker 1: never been whatever it is. And sometimes just helping people
31:31
Speaker 1: unpack their own possibilities is so awesome, you know, to go, oh,
31:35
Speaker 1: I know you've never done that thing, but that doesn't
31:40
Speaker 1: mean you can't do the thing, you know, And the
31:42
Speaker 1: thing could be own a pet, do you know what
31:45
Speaker 1: I mean. It doesn't need to be cure cancer or
31:48
Speaker 1: join the space program. It could be you know. I
31:53
Speaker 1: spoke to a lady recently who's a hoarder and she's
31:57
Speaker 1: just for the last year gotten over that and her,
32:02
Speaker 1: you know, it's still it's like an addiction kind of,
32:06
Speaker 1: and I was just talking to her about that. I'm like,
32:09
Speaker 1: that is so interesting, and she feels amazing now because
32:13
Speaker 1: she feels just liberated. But she still has this same compulsion,
32:19
Speaker 1: although the volume's gone down, to just buy more stuff
32:22
Speaker 1: and keep more stuff and not throw anything out. But
32:25
Speaker 1: she's kind of got someone who helps her and a
32:27
Speaker 1: bit of a plan in place. And you know, so
32:30
Speaker 1: it might be that it might be overcoming an addiction
32:32
Speaker 1: or you know, but I just think that people are
32:37
Speaker 1: I think people inherently underestimate what they can do, and
32:43
Speaker 1: not everyone can do everything, and not everyone can run
32:45
Speaker 1: a marathon, and not everyone can you know, build an
32:49
Speaker 1: amazing brand, and not everyone can sing beautifully, of course,
32:53
Speaker 1: But I think that for most of us what gets
32:56
Speaker 1: in the way is not so much our innate ability,
33:01
Speaker 1: or our genetics, or our IQ or our you know,
33:07
Speaker 1: overall potential, but rather how we think about all of
33:11
Speaker 1: that stuff, and the way that our mind and our
33:14
Speaker 1: fear gets in the way of all of that stuff
33:19
Speaker 1: because we're scared of failure. We're scared of embarrassment, We're
33:22
Speaker 1: scared of looking silly, We're scared of being the odd
33:26
Speaker 1: one out where you know, we so want to belong
33:28
Speaker 1: that we'll just compromise a shit out of ourselves to
33:31
Speaker 1: fit in. But in all the fitting in, sometimes we
33:36
Speaker 1: lose ourselves because now there's no me. There's just the
33:40
Speaker 1: member of this group to which I belong. So I'm
33:43
Speaker 1: just a part of a whole that we call the
33:47
Speaker 1: the whatever group. You know. And if you, by the way,
33:50
Speaker 1: if you ask any questions or you doubt, or you conflict,
33:54
Speaker 1: you know, you're out of the group. And well then
33:56
Speaker 1: I better not ask anything because I need to be
33:58
Speaker 1: in a group. So yeah, it's and we're emotional and
34:01
Speaker 1: social creatures who want to belong. So it's a dichotomy.
34:06
Speaker 2: How do you manage or have you had to manage
34:10
Speaker 2: the tension between self improvement wanting to improve yourself and
34:16
Speaker 2: be better and do better, but also accepting yourself as
34:20
Speaker 2: you are in the moment. Has that been a journey
34:23
Speaker 2: for you and is it still That's a great question.
34:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really clever question. Yeah, so I say
34:33
Speaker 1: all the time, like I think the answer, like the
34:38
Speaker 1: the way the juxtaposition between those two concepts that you
34:41
Speaker 1: just spoke of, the kind of the antidote to wrap
34:46
Speaker 1: around that is gratitude. Whereas I know that I'm very fortunate,
34:53
Speaker 1: very blessed. I grew up in a great country with
34:57
Speaker 1: great parents. I didn't grow up in poverty. I didn't
35:00
Speaker 1: grow up in a war zone. I have a button
35:04
Speaker 1: that I can press and my room gets cooler or warmer.
35:07
Speaker 1: I have a tap that I can turn on and
35:09
Speaker 1: cold fresh water comes out. I have a bed to
35:12
Speaker 1: sleep in. I'm not broke. You know all of these
35:15
Speaker 1: amazing things. So it is it is a it is
35:21
Speaker 1: a challenge sometimes to be both ambitious, But I don't
35:28
Speaker 1: mean ambitious in necessarily a commercial sense. I just mean
35:31
Speaker 1: in wanting to keep learning, growing, evolving sense, but also
35:36
Speaker 1: to be content. That is a real They almost think,
35:40
Speaker 1: they almost seem inconsistent those two things. So I can
35:45
Speaker 1: tell you that if right now is the best my
35:48
Speaker 1: life will ever be, I'm extremely happy and grateful right
35:53
Speaker 1: So I'm glad with that. But I also know, well,
35:59
Speaker 1: I've still got energy. My brain still works, my body
36:02
Speaker 1: still works, I can still learn, I can still help people.
36:04
Speaker 1: I can still unlearn. So I'm going to keep doing that.
36:08
Speaker 1: And when I reach my threshold, it's like there are
36:11
Speaker 1: things I can't do now. I can't bench press like
36:13
Speaker 1: I used to. I can't run as fast as I
36:15
Speaker 1: used to. You know, I saw a photo of me
36:19
Speaker 1: the other day that sent someone sent me, In fact,
36:22
Speaker 1: Patrick sent me a photo of me, and I'm like,
36:25
Speaker 1: fucking hell, I was Brad Pitt when I was thirty.
36:28
Speaker 1: I wasn't really, but compared to now, when I look
36:32
Speaker 1: like a fucking desert boot with a fucking flannel shirt on,
36:36
Speaker 1: I look like somebody's granddad. I'm like, fucking hell, I'm
36:39
Speaker 1: so old. I'm so you know, and I just go, yeah,
36:44
Speaker 1: of course I am. I'm sixty one. Well, of course
36:46
Speaker 1: you look like that. Of course your hairs gray. Of
36:48
Speaker 1: course you've got renkles. Of course you don't look how
36:52
Speaker 1: you once looked. And guess what that's okay, you know,
36:55
Speaker 1: it's like it's all good. And in a minute I'll
36:58
Speaker 1: be seventy or a'll we sixty five, and what will
37:02
Speaker 1: be will be? You know, I think it's about I
37:06
Speaker 1: don't think getting older means doesn't need to mean decline,
37:12
Speaker 1: but I think in our culture it's really associated, you know,
37:18
Speaker 1: while still being practical and realizing, of course I'm going
37:20
Speaker 1: to die one day. Of course I'm going to get
37:22
Speaker 1: sick one day. Of course my brain's not going to
37:24
Speaker 1: work like it currently does one day, of course, but
37:27
Speaker 1: that's not now, that's not today. So I'll just keep going.
37:31
Speaker 2: What do you like with stillness? Are you ever still?
37:37
Speaker 1: Yeah? I'm surprisingly good. My mind is not like trying
37:42
Speaker 1: to fucking turn off. My mind is but me just
37:44
Speaker 1: hanging out by myself, me lying on my bed, watching
37:47
Speaker 1: something me. You know, this morning, I was up at
37:50
Speaker 1: quarter past five. I was walking around the streets of
37:53
Speaker 1: Hampton's very still very quiet. Saw nobody spoke to nobody.
37:58
Speaker 1: I'm just out moving like a fucking urban ninja.
38:03
Speaker 2: In the darkness.
38:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, getting lat cramps, getting a double lat cramp from
38:10
Speaker 1: doing heavy one arms in the cold morning. You know. Yeah,
38:14
Speaker 1: I'm okay that the thing, Like my mind is busy,
38:19
Speaker 1: but more creative busy than fear busy, you know, anxiety, busy, overthinking,
38:27
Speaker 1: Like I think a lot, but I don't overthink, you know,
38:31
Speaker 1: overthinking gen Well, for me, overthinking is about worry, it's
38:35
Speaker 1: about fear, it's about anxiety, don't I don't generally have that.
38:40
Speaker 1: But like I am constantly thinking about how do I
38:48
Speaker 1: share the stuff that I know, stuff that I'm learning
38:52
Speaker 1: that I'm experiencing. You know, since I was eighteen years
38:54
Speaker 1: old till now forty three years of life and work
38:57
Speaker 1: and working with people and study and research and fucking
39:00
Speaker 1: up and getting up and falling down and getting back
39:03
Speaker 1: up and getting things wrong and getting things right. And
39:06
Speaker 1: I look around the world and I don't see people
39:10
Speaker 1: getting better. I see more anxiety. I see more mental
39:14
Speaker 1: health issues. I see more isolation and loneliness and disconnection
39:18
Speaker 1: and confusion. And maybe it's just what I'm seeing. Maybe
39:22
Speaker 1: that's not true. Maybe that's just my truth, but it
39:25
Speaker 1: seems to me that the issues are not going away.
39:30
Speaker 1: There maybe escalating. And so I think, while totally acknowledging,
39:34
Speaker 1: I'm not the solution to anything or for anyone, but
39:38
Speaker 1: maybe I could be a valuable servant to people. I
39:43
Speaker 1: could be a resource for people. Somebody could bump into
39:48
Speaker 1: me metaphorically and take away an idea of a thought
39:53
Speaker 1: or a strategy or some encouragement that makes one percent
39:57
Speaker 1: different difference, you know, And and that's what I want
40:01
Speaker 1: to do. And even when you know I've said this
40:03
Speaker 1: many times, even when people come to me and say,
40:06
Speaker 1: you know, I came to an event or I read
40:08
Speaker 1: your book, or I did this or I did that,
40:10
Speaker 1: and you changed my life, which you know, I don't
40:15
Speaker 1: get that every day, that's for sure, but people say
40:17
Speaker 1: that reasonably regularly, and every single time I reject that idea,
40:21
Speaker 1: and I tell them, and I'm not being falsely humble,
40:24
Speaker 1: I go, you changed your life like I might have.
40:28
Speaker 1: I might have had an impact or an influence on you,
40:30
Speaker 1: but ultimately, you did the work, You made the decision,
40:33
Speaker 1: you found, the resilience, you found, the courage you kept
40:36
Speaker 1: going when you couldn't be bothered, you know. And so
40:40
Speaker 1: I love that I can be that influence on people
40:43
Speaker 1: and hopefully help people understand their personal power, which I
40:52
Speaker 1: know sounds cliche, but it's like, I know all the
40:55
Speaker 1: stuff that I've done, and if you told me when
40:57
Speaker 1: I was eighteen years old that I would, you know,
40:59
Speaker 1: I would work on tell you I would work in radio.
41:01
Speaker 1: I would have one of, you know, the biggest podcasts
41:04
Speaker 1: in Australia. I'd write lots of books. I'd go to
41:06
Speaker 1: university a couple of times. I do like and there's
41:09
Speaker 1: no bragging in that, because I'm still fucking amazed. If
41:12
Speaker 1: you had to told me that, I absolutely wouldn't have
41:14
Speaker 1: believed it. And I say I wouldn't have believed it
41:17
Speaker 1: because I know how gifted I'm not. And that's not
41:24
Speaker 1: me hating on me, that's just me. That's just me
41:28
Speaker 1: being honest. And I say that one because it's two true,
41:32
Speaker 1: and two because I want to encourage other people. It's like,
41:36
Speaker 1: here's what goes on in the world. We love to
41:38
Speaker 1: tell everyone, Oh, you're specially, you're amazing, you're unique, you're this,
41:42
Speaker 1: you're that. You know, maybe you're not though, like and
41:46
Speaker 1: that's okay that you're not like I'm not. Maybe you're average.
41:49
Speaker 1: Maybe average is fine. Maybe it's some things you're pretty good.
41:52
Speaker 1: Maybe it's some things you suck that's cool. Maybe you
41:55
Speaker 1: are gifted and if you are well done, but that's
41:59
Speaker 1: nothing that you earned. That's what you were born with.
42:02
Speaker 1: You know, you might earn skill, you might develop skill,
42:06
Speaker 1: you might develop confidence, you might build courage and resilience,
42:10
Speaker 1: and you might create bigger and better results. You should
42:13
Speaker 1: be proud of all of that. But if you were
42:16
Speaker 1: born with incredible genetics, then pride is not the right emotion.
42:22
Speaker 1: Gratitude is the right emotion. If you can run fast,
42:25
Speaker 1: jump high, or you're beautiful, or you're you're a genius,
42:28
Speaker 1: or just be grateful, don't be proud, be grateful, be
42:33
Speaker 1: proud of the shit that you achieve and do and
42:35
Speaker 1: the people that you help with those gifts.
42:38
Speaker 2: Did you find thee.
42:40
Speaker 1: I feel like I just turned into the Delli Lama
42:42
Speaker 1: for three minutes.
42:42
Speaker 2: Says no, it's good. Do you feel like your perception
42:47
Speaker 2: of the things that you have achieved your perception of
42:51
Speaker 2: them changed when they became your achievement and did you
42:55
Speaker 2: have to deliberately acknowledge them. Did they shift? Did having
43:01
Speaker 2: you know, one of the biggest podcasts in Australia all
43:04
Speaker 2: of a sudden I not become a big deal because
43:07
Speaker 2: now all of a sudden it's you and you're like,
43:09
Speaker 2: well this, like yeah, tell me about that experience.
43:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's interesting because I think I think we have
43:17
Speaker 1: this thing that a lot of us do. And if
43:20
Speaker 1: this isn't you listener, I apologize, But I think we
43:24
Speaker 1: grow up and you've heard me say this too many times,
43:27
Speaker 1: but I think we grow up in this mindset that says, tiff,
43:30
Speaker 1: when you have this, or own that, or achieve that
43:33
Speaker 1: you know, or do that or be that or look
43:36
Speaker 1: like that, or get this many listeners or get this
43:39
Speaker 1: many followers or get this much attention, or then that's success.
43:43
Speaker 1: And I think we think that, Well, when I have
43:47
Speaker 1: and own and earn and look like then I'm going
43:50
Speaker 1: to be happy or I'm going to be fulfilled, or
43:53
Speaker 1: the anxiety is going to go away, or the self
43:55
Speaker 1: doubt will be gone, or my life will be ace
43:59
Speaker 1: or I'll be ace in the middle of my life.
44:02
Speaker 1: But the guy who was you know had five businesses
44:06
Speaker 1: in his early thirties and one hundred and staff and
44:08
Speaker 1: all of that, who was probably more mentally and emotionally
44:12
Speaker 1: fucked up than ten years before. I'm like, oh, one
44:17
Speaker 1: doesn't equal the other necessarily. So I think there's the
44:22
Speaker 1: and this is my what I call and other people
44:25
Speaker 1: call it different things, but I call it my two
44:26
Speaker 1: world theory, where you know, there's our physical world, which
44:30
Speaker 1: is seen, its practical, it's observable by others, it's three dimensional.
44:36
Speaker 1: And then there's the other world, you know, the unseen,
44:39
Speaker 1: the invisible, the emotional, psychological, the creative, you know. And
44:44
Speaker 1: while we do life in the physical, three dimensional world,
44:47
Speaker 1: we do living in the internal world. And so but
44:52
Speaker 1: when we talk about success in our culture, tiffany An Kok,
44:55
Speaker 1: invariably we talk about all the stuff that people can
44:59
Speaker 1: s see, right, But what happens when you know It's
45:04
Speaker 1: like I was talking to you this morning, and at
45:08
Speaker 1: the moment, in the last thirty days, I've got seven
45:11
Speaker 1: point one million bloody views on my Instagram, and I'm like,
45:17
Speaker 1: it's funny. It doesn't make me at all happier than
45:20
Speaker 1: when I got one. In fact, I think I was
45:22
Speaker 1: happier when I had one, not that I'm unhappy or
45:25
Speaker 1: disc or discontented or like, it's just like, oh, so
45:32
Speaker 1: when I had one when I woke up one day
45:34
Speaker 1: and I looked at my Instagram and it said, you've
45:36
Speaker 1: had one million views in the last thirty days. All right,
45:41
Speaker 1: So we had a little moment, little tech because TIFF's
45:44
Speaker 1: got gone, you know, rogue, and she's using some other
45:47
Speaker 1: platform which clearly is inferior. That's right. Yeah, So I
45:52
Speaker 1: was talking about, yeah, like this essentially, I was talking
45:56
Speaker 1: about how, you know, when I got a million views
45:58
Speaker 1: in a month, I'm like, this fucking credible and I
46:00
Speaker 1: felt good, and you know, not that it wasn't a goal.
46:03
Speaker 1: I just saw it. I was surprised and I went wow,
46:07
Speaker 1: and then I went how much can I get? Or
46:09
Speaker 1: you know, wow, and then I started just paying attention
46:11
Speaker 1: to it. And today it's like, I said, seven point
46:15
Speaker 1: one million, which is but it's funny. The way that
46:18
Speaker 1: it makes me feel now in terms of my emotional
46:21
Speaker 1: and or psychological response is different. And it's like, it's
46:24
Speaker 1: so funny because you know, things only in this context,
46:28
Speaker 1: with this conversation about this kind of stuff, they only
46:31
Speaker 1: have the meaning that you give them. And if you go, oh,
46:34
Speaker 1: one million is incredible, and you believe it's incredible, you
46:38
Speaker 1: believe it's a great achievement, or it's a good outcome,
46:40
Speaker 1: or it's whatever. Then you have a correlated experience. You
46:46
Speaker 1: have that psychological and emotional response. But if your story
46:52
Speaker 1: is seven point one million, is shit. I can do better.
46:56
Speaker 1: Despite the fact that the numbers have seven xt your
47:00
Speaker 1: experience is negative or is at the very least not
47:05
Speaker 1: what it once was at the million. So what's my point.
47:09
Speaker 1: My point is we're always creating results and outcomes. There's
47:12
Speaker 1: always stuff happening in our world, you know, conversation, situation, circumstances,
47:17
Speaker 1: you know whatever. And then in the middle of all
47:20
Speaker 1: of that external, measurable, observable stuff is Tiff, who interprets
47:27
Speaker 1: it all, who tells herself a story about it. This
47:30
Speaker 1: is good, this is bad, this is this is positive,
47:32
Speaker 1: this is negative. He's scary, he's nice, she's a witch,
47:36
Speaker 1: she's an angel. This podcast's going shit. This podcasts going like.
47:41
Speaker 1: We are constantly creating our own reality while not at
47:46
Speaker 1: all thinking we're creating our own reality because the window
47:50
Speaker 1: through which we view the world, process the world, give
47:53
Speaker 1: meaning to the world. In the moment we don't see it.
47:56
Speaker 1: We don't experience it, So we think that our reality,
48:01
Speaker 1: our subjective reality, which we all have one, is the
48:05
Speaker 1: objective reality. But also then when you do a deeper
48:10
Speaker 1: dive and you go, okay, so what is the What
48:15
Speaker 1: is the kind of success that I'm looking for internally?
48:19
Speaker 1: Is what is like we all want to be successful? Cool?
48:22
Speaker 1: What does that mean as an emotional state? What does
48:26
Speaker 1: success mean in terms of my psychology? What does success
48:30
Speaker 1: mean in terms of my spiritual bank account? What the
48:33
Speaker 1: fuck is a spiritual bank account? You know, all of that, Like,
48:38
Speaker 1: you know. What opened the door on this for me
48:40
Speaker 1: was being a young personal trainer. And I mean twenty
48:43
Speaker 1: two twenty three, so twenty three was nine and eighty
48:46
Speaker 1: six for me, twenty four, nine and eighty seven and
48:49
Speaker 1: so on. I remember having several clients and I mean
48:56
Speaker 1: five six seven at this stage who were multimillion Now
49:00
Speaker 1: this is back when a million dollars was like like
49:04
Speaker 1: very few people had a million dollars, Like the average
49:06
Speaker 1: home was I don't know, one hundred grand, right so
49:08
Speaker 1: to be. And I had client who are multimillionaires, and
49:11
Speaker 1: I'm training them, and you know, as the more that
49:14
Speaker 1: I got to know them and not all of them,
49:16
Speaker 1: but often I'm like, oh wow, I'm a twenty three
49:20
Speaker 1: year old, four year old personal trainer driving an orange
49:23
Speaker 1: Cortina station wagon which is a piece of shit, and
49:26
Speaker 1: I'm renting a house and I've got a motorbike which
49:29
Speaker 1: is pretty much ready to fall apart, and I've got
49:33
Speaker 1: fucking six friends, and I'm way happier than you. I'm like,
49:38
Speaker 1: what is that about? And I'm way less insecure than you,
49:42
Speaker 1: and I was pretty insecure, but I'm like, oh wow.
49:46
Speaker 1: And so for me, that wasn't a judgment of them,
49:49
Speaker 1: but rather an experience of them and an awareness. And
49:53
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, it was great for me because I
49:57
Speaker 1: somehow in my subconscious assumed that once I had a
50:01
Speaker 1: lot more stuff and a lot better stuff, that I
50:06
Speaker 1: almost definitely would be happier. I'd be less stressed, I'd
50:10
Speaker 1: be less anxious, you know, not that I was miserable,
50:14
Speaker 1: but I just thought more stuff and better stuff equals
50:19
Speaker 1: a better experience for me. And while that seems to
50:22
Speaker 1: make sense, and it does make sense for certain people
50:27
Speaker 1: up to a certain financial level. Obviously, if you're really
50:30
Speaker 1: really struggling to pay for your kids kids school fees
50:34
Speaker 1: or feed the kids, or feed yourself for bioshoes. Well,
50:36
Speaker 1: of course, then money, money can really impact psychological emotional states,
50:41
Speaker 1: of course, But beyond a certain point, it's like there's
50:45
Speaker 1: no necessarily, there's no positive correlation, you know. So then
50:52
Speaker 1: you just start to think about, you know, what actually
50:56
Speaker 1: is success for me? Not what is everybody say it is? Not?
51:00
Speaker 1: What is culture and media and social media say it is.
51:04
Speaker 1: But away from the idea and the sales pitch and
51:06
Speaker 1: the marketing, what truly is it for me? What truly
51:10
Speaker 1: matters to me? I'll shut up after this, when I
51:13
Speaker 1: sit down in the stillness that you just spoke about,
51:18
Speaker 1: and I go, Okay, no one's looking, no one's listening.
51:20
Speaker 1: There's no fucking fanfare. I'm not on a podcast. I'm
51:23
Speaker 1: not writing this for social media. I'm not I'm not
51:26
Speaker 1: looking for attention or accolades or approval. What really matters
51:31
Speaker 1: to me, you know, what really matters, and what really
51:35
Speaker 1: doesn't matter to me is how many people look at
51:37
Speaker 1: my Instagram. It's like, that's not a core value. It's nice,
51:42
Speaker 1: But what really matters to me is that my mum
51:45
Speaker 1: and dad are okay, that my dad's cognitive decline, you know,
51:53
Speaker 1: which is normal. He's not, you know, but it's like
51:55
Speaker 1: that he's okay. You know that. What matters to me
51:59
Speaker 1: is that the people that I love are okay. What
52:02
Speaker 1: matters to me is that I don't do dumb shit
52:05
Speaker 1: to my body, that I this thing that I can't replace,
52:09
Speaker 1: this gift that God or the universe or whatever your
52:12
Speaker 1: belief system is bestowed on me, that it works as
52:17
Speaker 1: well as it can. That's a value for me, you know.
52:20
Speaker 1: And then once you know what those values are, then
52:23
Speaker 1: you kind of know where to go. You kind of
52:26
Speaker 1: know which path to take. And yeah, you can do
52:28
Speaker 1: some bullshit along the way. You know, you can get
52:31
Speaker 1: lots of listeners and followers and by yourself some shit.
52:34
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that. But none of that is
52:36
Speaker 1: your purpose. None of those things are your values.
52:42
Speaker 2: I love that, all right. So, last question or last
52:46
Speaker 2: bit of advice for people listening that are feeling that
52:49
Speaker 2: they feel misaligned and exhausted and stuck on autopilot, maybe
52:54
Speaker 2: behaving or reacting out of alignment to who they really
52:58
Speaker 2: want to be. What's the first brave move they can make?
53:06
Speaker 1: All right? So I'm going to give you three things.
53:07
Speaker 1: Hang on, let me just write them down before I
53:09
Speaker 1: forget them. So one is a treasure hunt, two is values,
53:19
Speaker 1: and three is current behaviors. So let's go backwards. So
53:22
Speaker 1: current behaviors. So do a stock take easier said than done,
53:29
Speaker 1: but do a stock take on all the shit you
53:31
Speaker 1: currently do that's done, Like, how are you currently self sabotaging?
53:36
Speaker 1: How are you currently getting in your own way? And
53:40
Speaker 1: let me give you an example. You might hold these
53:44
Speaker 1: two opposing things. They might be true for you. Truth
53:48
Speaker 1: number one is I want to be the best version
53:52
Speaker 1: of me physically. I you know, I don't want to
53:54
Speaker 1: run a marathon necessarily. I don't want to be a
53:58
Speaker 1: mister or miss World. But I want to be the
54:01
Speaker 1: best shape that I can be for my genetic potential
54:03
Speaker 1: at my age. That's truth number one. Truth number two
54:06
Speaker 1: is I eat shit every day. Right, They're both true.
54:12
Speaker 1: Those things are simultaneously true. They are simultaneously representative of you,
54:19
Speaker 1: but they are inconsistent with your values. Right, So the
54:25
Speaker 1: behavior is completely out of alignment with who you want
54:28
Speaker 1: to be and how you want to be. So you're
54:30
Speaker 1: basically shooting yourself in the foot with your choices, with
54:34
Speaker 1: your behavior, with your lifestyle and so on. So that's
54:37
Speaker 1: number one. Get real, don't beat yourself up. Remember self reflection,
54:41
Speaker 1: self awareness, self regulation, self actualization. That nowhere in that
54:46
Speaker 1: list is self loathing. Right, Just be honest, be brave. Right.
54:50
Speaker 1: So number one is just do a stock take on
54:52
Speaker 1: all the shit that you're currently doing that doesn't serve you.
54:58
Speaker 1: Number two is values. Is what we just spoke about,
55:04
Speaker 1: So get clear about what matters to you. And the
55:08
Speaker 1: beauty about identifying your values is that can become moving
55:13
Speaker 1: forward from today if you like, that can become your
55:16
Speaker 1: sat NAV, that can become your like, oh what should
55:19
Speaker 1: I do here? Or what do your values say? What
55:22
Speaker 1: aligns with your values? You know? It's like if TIF
55:25
Speaker 1: you got an opportunity for a sponsor on your podcast
55:29
Speaker 1: and it was with a product that you wouldn't use,
55:32
Speaker 1: that you didn't like, that didn't represent your philosophy around
55:37
Speaker 1: health or whatever. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't sell it
55:41
Speaker 1: even if they went TIF, we're going to give you
55:43
Speaker 1: twenty grand it's a two month sponsorship deal. Da da da.
55:47
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you would go fuck. I would love
55:49
Speaker 1: the dough, but I can't sell that because I wouldn't
55:53
Speaker 1: use it and I wouldn't want my friends to use
55:55
Speaker 1: it right, So that's when we make values driven decision
55:59
Speaker 1: and embrace values driven behaviors. What was the third thing
56:05
Speaker 1: I said?
56:06
Speaker 2: I jotted treasure Hunt, treasure Hunt, treasure.
56:09
Speaker 1: Hunt, thank you, And that just means yeah, like on
56:14
Speaker 1: top of the stock take about what we're doing that
56:16
Speaker 1: we need to change. Also hit the pause button and
56:21
Speaker 1: close your eyes and go what's great about my life?
56:24
Speaker 1: And I I'm not big on encouraging people to compare
56:29
Speaker 1: themselves to anyone, However, for this little activity, it doesn't hurt,
56:35
Speaker 1: you know. I compare myself to people who can't get
56:40
Speaker 1: out of a chair. I compare myself to people who
56:44
Speaker 1: don't have anyone that loves them or I don't compare,
56:47
Speaker 1: but I have that awareness that not everyone like me
56:52
Speaker 1: can get out of my chair, walk down the stairs,
56:55
Speaker 1: make myself a cup of tea. I'm so grateful for that.
56:58
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that few people love me unconditionally. I'm
57:02
Speaker 1: so grateful for that. I'm so grateful that I get
57:05
Speaker 1: an opportunity to do this with you. And that sounds
57:08
Speaker 1: cheesy and bullshit, but I'm grateful. Like if I wasn't grateful,
57:13
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be talking for over an hour. You know,
57:17
Speaker 1: it's like, because this is a good opportunity maybe to
57:19
Speaker 1: help a few people. You know, I'm grateful that I
57:23
Speaker 1: get paid to do shit that I love to do,
57:27
Speaker 1: to go and talk to people. It's like I would
57:29
Speaker 1: do it for free.
57:30
Speaker 2: It's like this shoes don't tell them.
57:33
Speaker 1: Well, in the context of my business, I order it. Yeah, well,
57:38
Speaker 1: you know they're not getting it for free. But you know,
57:41
Speaker 1: I would say, you know, thirty percent of the work
57:46
Speaker 1: in inverted commas that I do I don't get paid for.
57:48
Speaker 1: And I happily don't you know if and I can't
57:51
Speaker 1: do everything for everyone. But you know, I love helping people.
57:54
Speaker 1: And I don't love helping people because it's financially viable.
57:59
Speaker 1: I just love helping people, you know. And that's like
58:02
Speaker 1: that is and I know that sounds cheesy, yeah, but anyway,
58:07
Speaker 1: So they're my three things. They're my thoughts, they're my suggestions.
58:11
Speaker 2: I love that. Thank you. What are you? What's coming
58:14
Speaker 2: up in the world of harps and typ that everyone
58:17
Speaker 2: can get around. I know there's a little bit what's that.
58:21
Speaker 2: I know there's a little bit happening soon.
58:24
Speaker 1: We're launching some live events and we're going to I
58:27
Speaker 1: think we're going to Sydney and bris Vegas or maybe
58:30
Speaker 1: the Sunshine Coast or Goldie, not sure, Perth Adelaide, Melbs.
58:35
Speaker 1: Of course, I'm I'm doing a workshop and new workshop
58:38
Speaker 1: which is called the You Experiment, the You Experiment, which
58:43
Speaker 1: is essentially talking about it's around the idea that different
58:48
Speaker 1: things work for different people. You know, there's not one
58:50
Speaker 1: set protocol that suits everybody to create the same outcome,
58:55
Speaker 1: and so we're talking about trying to understand how we
58:57
Speaker 1: work mentally, emotionally, physiologically, personally, professionally, all that stuff. We
59:02
Speaker 1: just lean into that. And of course you might be
59:06
Speaker 1: talking about the fact that we're doing a retreat in Queensland.
59:10
Speaker 1: Can't announce all of that yet, but because we haven't
59:13
Speaker 1: locked in the dates. But I'm doing what will probably
59:17
Speaker 1: be a four night, five day extravaganza in a change
59:27
Speaker 1: of life extravaganza up in the Sunshine States. So that'll
59:33
Speaker 1: be announced very soon all the details. And yeah, I'm excited,
59:38
Speaker 1: Like my life is good. I'm lucky, you know, I'm
59:41
Speaker 1: stumbling towards the finish line and my PhD. Even in
59:44
Speaker 1: that it is like I bitch about it a little bit,
59:47
Speaker 1: but truly it's it's been a real growth experience and like.
59:52
Speaker 2: I think, at least you don't call your friends every
59:55
Speaker 2: day and go I fucking hate school.
59:58
Speaker 1: Yeah there's that. There's that. Yeah I know someone who
1:00:01
Speaker 1: does that. All right, well done you
1:00:04
Speaker 2: Carry on, Thanks Harps, Thanks everyone,