Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Set Boundaries With Their Old Team
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've just been promoted to manager, and now you're leading the people you used to complain about the boss with. That's a weird shift. Luna: It's one of the hardest transitions in a career, honestly. You're suddenly supposed to be the authority figure to people who've seen you spill coffee on your keyboard. Lucas: Exactly. And today we're going to talk about how to set boundaries with your old team without torching the friendships. Because the worst thing you can do is pretend nothing changed. Luna: Yeah, and if you're struggling with this, you're not alone. And if today is helpful, the way we keep this show ad-free is through listener support. If you've ever gotten value from these episodes, consider buying us a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It genuinely keeps us going. Lucas: Thanks for that, Luna. And honestly, we appreciate every single person who does that. Now, back to the awkward stuff. Lucas: A few years ago, I interviewed a product manager at a mid-sized SaaS company — let's call her Priya. She got promoted to lead the same team she'd been on for two years. Her closest work friend, a developer named Dan, had been her lunch buddy, her sounding board, the guy she'd vent to about sprint planning. Luna: And suddenly she's his boss. What did she do? Lucas: She did what most of us would do — she tried to keep things exactly the same. Same lunches, same jokes, same after-work drinks. She figured the promotion didn't have to change their friendship. But then the first real deadline hit, and she had to push Dan on a feature that was slipping. Luna: And he pushed back, I'm guessing. Lucas: He didn't just push back. He said, 'Come on, Priya, it's me. You know I'll get it done. Don't be one of those managers.' And she froze. She couldn't be his friend and his boss at the same time, and she hadn't set up any structure to handle that moment. Luna: So what's the fix? I know we've talked about having a one-on-one early on, but this seems more specific. Lucas: Priya eventually landed on what I call the three conversations. And I think it's a solid framework for anyone stepping into this. The first conversation is the transition talk — you sit down with each former peer individually, one-on-one, and you say, 'Look, my role has changed, and that changes how we work together. I want to keep our friendship, but I also need to be able to do my job. So let's be explicit about what that looks like.' Luna: That's so much better than just hoping it works out. Lucas: Exactly. And the second conversation is the boundary talk. This is where you spell out the practical changes: 'I can't be your confidant about team gossip anymore, because I might have to act on it. I can't cover for you when you're slacking, because that's not fair to the team. And if we disagree on a work decision, I get the final call — and that doesn't mean I don't respect you.' Luna: That sounds so uncomfortable to say out loud. Lucas: It is. But Priya told me that Dan actually relaxed after that conversation. He'd been tense too, because he didn't know if he could still joke around or if he had to walk on eggshells. Having it out in the open took the pressure off both of them. Luna: So the third conversation must be about what happens when someone crosses a boundary. Lucas: Exactly. The third conversation is the consequence talk. You don't have it preemptively with everyone, but you do have it when someone tests the line. So with Dan, Priya had to say, 'I know we're friends, but I need to hold you to the same standard as everyone else. If you miss this deadline, I'm going to have to document it and put you on a performance plan.' Luna: Ouch. But that's the moment of truth — do you actually follow through? Lucas: Priya did, and it cost her. Dan missed the deadline, she documented it, and he went straight to her manager to complain that she was being petty and personal. That was a rough couple of weeks. Luna: So how did she survive that politically? Lucas: The key was that she'd already done the first two conversations, and she'd looped in her own manager after the boundary talk. So when Dan escalated, her manager already knew the context and backed her up. It wasn't a he said she said; it was a documented pattern. Luna: That's a good reminder to not keep your struggles a secret from your boss. Lucas: Right. And in the end, Dan actually came around. He realized she wasn't being petty — she was being fair. Their friendship survived, but it had to change. They stopped venting about work together, but they still grab lunch once a week. And that's the goal. Luna: So the takeaway isn't to cut off your friends, it's to renegotiate the relationship. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a second layer to this that's easy to miss. It's not just about the people you were friends with. It's about the whole team watching how you handle those relationships. If they see you giving your buddy a pass, they'll resent it. But if they see you being clear and consistent, they'll trust you. Luna: That's a great point. What about the reverse — what if you're promoted and someone who used to be your peer is now your subordinate, but they were actually the one who trained you? Lucas: That's a different flavor of the same problem. You owe them respect and gratitude, but you still need to establish authority. I'd suggest taking them out for coffee and saying, 'I know you taught me a lot, and I'm grateful. But my role has changed, and I need to lead this team. I want your input, but ultimately I'll make the calls.' Luna: That's a delicate balance. You don't want to sound ungrateful. Lucas: Right. And you also don't want to overcorrect and become a jerk. The goal is to be warm but firm. Like, 'I value what you've done, and I also need to do this job.' Luna: I've also seen cases where the new manager goes too far the other way — they try so hard to be 'one of the guys' that they end up being a pushover. Lucas: Oh, that's a classic. And it's just as damaging. You're not doing anyone any favors if you're afraid to give honest feedback because you don't want to hurt feelings. That's a path to a team that doesn't respect you. Luna: So what's your advice for someone who's already been in the role for a few months and hasn't set these boundaries yet? Lucas: It's never too late. You can still have the transition conversation, but you have to acknowledge the delay. Something like, 'I should have had this conversation earlier, but I want to make sure we're on the same page going forward.' People usually appreciate the honesty. Luna: Better late than never, I guess. And what about the team-wide conversation? Should you address this in a team meeting? Lucas: A brief mention is fine, but you don't want to make a big production out of it. You don't want to say, 'Hey, I'm your boss now, so no more fun.' That's alienating. I'd keep it light: 'I know it's a change, but I'm committed to being fair and transparent. If you ever have concerns, my door is open.' Luna: And then you have to actually mean it. Lucas: That's the hard part. But the payoff is worth it. A team that knows where they stand with you is a team that can focus on the work instead of navigating weird interpersonal politics. Luna: I think a lot of listeners are probably nodding along right now, especially if they've been promoted recently. Lucas: And if they haven't been promoted yet, this is the prep work. The next time you get that tap on the shoulder, you'll already know what to do. Luna: So let's recap the three conversations: the transition talk, the boundary talk, and the consequence talk. Lucas: And remember, it's not about picking a side — friend or boss. It's about being both, clearly. You're still the same person, but your job description changed. And that's okay. Luna: Thanks, Lucas. That was genuinely helpful. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. And if you're in that first 90 days, hang in there. It gets less awkward, I promise.