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When Trauma Survivors Feel Empty, Numb, or Disconnected With Themselves · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Breaking Our Borders podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma survivors often feel emotionally numb, empty, and disconnected from feelings.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: If asked about who they are, they often struggle to give an answer that identifies their characteristics.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, I'm going to talk about what causes these feelings, discuss how they were developed, and how we can break down the borders they are causing.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started talking about that right now.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: We planned the trip to celebrate my graduation from my doctorate degree and our wedding anniversary.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: These two major accomplishments, plus checking something off my bucket list, deserve celebration.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I expected to feel ecstatic, proud, and excited about the trip, but I didn't.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had a great time with my husband.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: The beach was amazing, our resort was beautiful, and the food was delicious.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I still felt numb.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: As I sat on the beach one day, I became concerned about this.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm living a dream.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting in paradise, and the man I love is right beside me.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: What was wrong with me that I didn't feel anything?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't unhappy, frustrated, or mad.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't any negative feelings, but it also wasn't any positive ones either.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I realized too at that time that I have felt this way for quite a while.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as we returned from our trip, I began to research what was going on with my emotions, and discovered this is a recurring effect of my childhood trauma, and a common trait among trauma survivors.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, I experienced emotional abuse and neglect, physical abuse and dysfunctional parenting.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was told and shown that I was a burden, worthless, and unwanted.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was physically attacked at times for expressing my feelings or not saying the correct thing my parent wanted to hear.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was forced to parent my brother and take care of all the housework, and reprimanded if I didn't do either correctly.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: My emotions and needs were ignored and sometimes berated.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: My mother would spend 20 to 30 minutes yelling at me for things she implied I did wrong, like being selfish and considerate, and not completing things for her correctly.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: One memory I recall clearly was when she was cooking and told me to come stir the gravy for her because she was busy with other things.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I took the spoon and began stirring slowly in a circular fashion.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: She grabbed the spoon away from me and yelled, What are you doing?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you know how to stir correctly?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: You do it like this.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: She stirred in a back and forth motion across the pan, instead of circular like I was.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: She shoved the spoon back in my hand and said, Now do it right.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working hard to make all this food for you, and it will be ruined if you don't make the gravy correctly.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: This was how my mother handled every situation with me, to ridicule what I was doing, get mad at me for not doing it right, even though she had never taught me how to do it right, and then blame me for what could possibly go wrong.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I would often get upset by her yelling, but if I would cry, she would make fun of me for crying or say something like, Keep it up and I'll really give you something to cry about.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I always used to think, you don't think this was enough to give me to cry about?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But of course never said it.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Both of my parents were detached in our relationship.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel that I was loved and accepted by either of them, that I was a financial burden on both of them, and that they were not happy with who I was.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I did not have a positive attachment with my parents.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment with parents provides a foundational secure base that shapes a child's emotional, social, cognitive, and physical development.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Children can have a secure or insecure attachment to their parents.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Parents who pay attention to their children's needs, communicate with supportive and kind language, and support the child's developing personality will have a secure attachment.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Secure attachment leads to children being able to regulate their emotions, having healthy relationships with peers, feeling safe and confident to grow and explore in the world, and to develop coping skills when facing challenges.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: These children feel good about themselves, their capabilities, and experiencing new things in life.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting that involves inconsistent care, lack of emotional support and positive reaction, abuse, neglect, or overcontrolling can cause an insecure attachment between the parent and child.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: An insecure attachment can cause the child to feel unloved, unwanted, angry, depressed, hypervigilant, anxious, isolated, or frustrated.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, with positive parenting, a child feels safe, confident, and happy.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: They enjoy life's experiences, have healthy relationships with friends and family, and grow to be the best person they can be.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: But children who experience dysfunctional parenting will not be happy, confident, and have the skills needed to grow into the best person they can be.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: When living in childhood trauma, children live with the person who is supposed to protect, provide for, and support them.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: But these people are also the ones who cause the child fear, pain, and stress.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: A child cannot just leave their parents to get away from the trauma, so their brain will figure out ways to cope with it.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is a natural human function of our brain.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: The brain's main job is to keep us safe, and it will do whatever it has to so that that happens.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, we don't know that what our brain is doing is not healthy and that it will have a negative impact on our life forever.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But it has to find a way to cope, and that's the only thing our brain knows to do.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: One way our brain may do this is by numbing our emotions because the pain of trauma is too hard to cope with.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than feeling all the hurt, our brain will numb the emotions to prevent further harm.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: The child will hide or ignore the painful feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness because it is too much to cope with.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Emotions are meant to be felt and valued, but when those emotions are painful or can cause more trauma if they are expressed, the brain will turn them down for protection.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think about when my mother would verbally abuse me.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: It would always happen after I had gone to bed.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was rarely asleep when she would come back the hallway to go to bed and would flip on the hall light which shined in my room.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I remember laying there many nights with her silhouette in the doorway, and she would stand there for 20 to 30 minutes yelling at me and accusing me of awful things.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: None of it was true, and most of it was rambling nonsense that I had no idea where she had come up with it all.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: It became so painful that I remember telling myself to think of other things, happier things, to block out what she was saying.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: This backfired on me because sometimes she would ask questions and expect an answer.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: If I wasn't paying attention and answered incorrectly, the tirade would worsen and sometimes involve physical abuse.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I believe this is when my brain started numbing my emotions.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: If I got upset by her words and started to cry, she would threaten to give me something to cry about.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I learned quickly to hold in my emotions, not to let them show, and ignore what I was feeling in hopes of stopping the abuse.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Numbing my emotions and ignoring my feelings was a defense mechanism that my brain chose to help me survive the pain of trauma.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, it was all my young brain knew to do to protect me.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: My brain was processing the thoughts of threat and sending the message to my nervous system.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: The nervous system is the communication system between the brain and the body and then back to the brain.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: My mother's abuse put my brain and body on alert.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And they learned to stay in this mode to prepare for future abuse.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Over a long period of time of my brain and nervous system being in this mode, I was unconsciously numbing painful feelings, as well as pleasurable ones.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: When our brain protects us by numbing our emotions, it doesn't pick and choose which feelings it will numb.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: This happens to all of our emotions.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, we could not fight back against our parents and we could not flee from them.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So our brain and nervous system had to find another way to protect us.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this is called the freeze response.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: The brain and nervous system numbs all reactions and emotions in this response.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: This may cause someone to experience dissociation.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Dissociation is a protective mechanism of the brain to disconnect from a person's thoughts, feelings, memories, physical body, or sense of identity.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel like you are watching things happen from outside your body, like your surroundings are unreal, foggy, or dreamlike.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: It can cause memory gaps and zoning out type behaviors.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: When this happens over a long period of time, you can feel depression, anxiety, an empty internal state, and confusion about your identity.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: When we feel numb or empty inside, we struggle to create a sense of identity, especially if your identity was forced upon you by your abuser.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: My mother's abuse, neglect, and dysfunctional parenting caused me to have an identity of a burdensome, worthless, and bad person.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I did not see any positive aspects of myself and felt no joy, pride, or excitement due to my protective mechanisms.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: This caused me to crave what I didn't know, but innately desired love, acceptance, and validation.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: There were a few moments in my life when I had positive experiences with others, and those glimmers of something better fueled my craving for more of it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes to the point of limerence.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Limerence is an involuntary mental state of intense romantic obsession, infatuation, and longing for reciprocation from another person.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because my emotional needs were not met by my parents, I crave for someone else to provide this care.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I often mistook any slight bit of attention as a deep acceptance and longed for more of it.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: I fear I may have been a pest or overly involved with some people of my past.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is kind of embarrassing to me to realize how needy and overbearing I may have been.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I also realize it was a natural reaction to an emotional emptiness caused by the trauma I had endured.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not everyone feels limerence.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Others may continue to feel emptiness, detachment, and aversion to connecting with others to more of an extreme.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling emotions becomes too difficult, so they avoid showing, expressing, or sharing emotions with others.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: They have almost a deadness to their emotions because closeness with others feels repulsive and dangerous.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma has shattered any hope they have of being loved, accepted, and validated.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is much safer in their mind to resist any thoughts of experiencing feelings or connecting with others.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, our brains have developed to be able to express and define our feelings.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: However, due to the experiences during trauma, dissociation, and emotional numbing, it may be difficult to do.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: During trauma, children are seldom allowed to express their feelings of pain, sadness, or frustration, so we learn to hold them in.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: To cope with the trauma and the inability to express our feelings, we learn to withdraw to a state of not feeling, and that carries into our adulthood.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: If asked to describe ourselves, we may struggle to express our qualities, like who we are, what we like to do, what are our strengths, what are our abilities.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if asked what we are feeling, we may struggle to give an answer other than I feel nothing.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Due to the repression of our emotions and thoughts by our parents and the coping mechanisms, we may not be able to define who we are or what we feel.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm a fully functioning adult, as are many trauma survivors.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: We go to work, we take care of our family, we take care of the household chores, and participate in hobbies or social groups.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: On the outside, we look normal, but on the inside, we are still stuck in a state of dissociation.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Dissociation happened without our knowledge or choice, as a way for our nervous system to respond to something that was too overwhelming to fully process in that moment.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: It was just protecting us.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, most of us are no longer experiencing the trauma of our childhood.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: We are safe, but our brain and nervous system has not gotten that message yet.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Our nervous system thinks, we survived by not feeling, and we need to continue to survive, so let's keep doing what worked before.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: But now as an adult, emotional awareness is important.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know and be able to express when you're angry, hurt, or that something is wrong.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve to feel happy, excited, and joyful.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: You have a right to express what you want and what you don't want in your life.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: But if you've spent years disconnecting from those internal signals due to protecting yourself, figuring those things out can be really difficult.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: A big problem with our mind protecting us by numbing is that we aren't able to define our sense of self.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood is a time when we figure out who we are, what we like and don't like, what we want or don't want, what makes us happy or angry, and what is important to us or doesn't really matter.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: When experiencing trauma, our parents can squash this development by not allowing us to express our thoughts and emotions.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: We learn to be the person we think our parents want us to be in order to stop the trauma.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: We become quiet, isolated, and hidden so as not to provoke our parents.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: We become people pleasers, develop anxiety and hypervigilance, and ignore our feelings.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: We can become extremely observant of everyone around us, measuring how they are feeling instead of recognizing how we feel.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: We blame ourselves for how others feel, even when we did nothing wrong.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: We give others what they need, but dismiss what we need.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is a survival pattern learned over a long time that has caused us to believe we need to be the fixer, that we are the problem, and our feelings don't matter.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: We have learned to wear a mask to cover the bad in us.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: We learn how to be the good one, the quiet one, the helpful one.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: We figure out how to be successful, not cause problems, and keep everyone happy.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: But the mask does not show our true identity.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't allow for the real us to express ourselves.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to take the mask off and learn who we really are.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, if you were punished, criticized, ignored, or rejected when you expressed your needs, you may have learned that having needs isn't safe.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you stopped asking for your needs to be met.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: You stopped expressing your needs and feelings, and you stopped listening to what your mind and body were telling you.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now you don't know how to have that voice to get what you want or ask for what you need.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't have to be this way forever.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Healing this part of yourself will be gradual.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't think that all of a sudden you're going to feel extreme joy just because you have decided to start feeling emotions.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions, wants, and needs is going to feel uncomfortable at first.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Start with just noticing what you're feeling.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I tried doing was thinking about a recent situation where I hid my feelings for the benefit of someone else.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like when my husband asked me where I wanted to go for dinner one night.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I knew he didn't really like a place that I like to go to, so I chose a place he likes instead.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell him what I really wanted because I didn't want him to be unhappy going to that restaurant.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: But the next time this situation came up, I decided I was going to tell him what I really wanted.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: It was kind of scary and nerve-wracking because I was not used to voicing my wants.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I did it, and he said, Okay, I know you like that place, and I'm sure I can find something to eat.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was so relieved.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was prepared for a reaction like I would have experienced in my childhood.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: A grumpy response about how I knew he didn't really like that place, how he hates the food there, and why would I choose something he didn't like?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: But that didn't happen.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I then began to feel safe in sharing my feelings with my husband.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: From then on, I worked on how to suggest what I wanted or was feeling in ways that let the other person feel comfortable sharing their thoughts as well.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like when going out with friends, if they suggested a place I didn't like, I would say, or what do you think about, and would offer another suggestion.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: We typically go back and forth until we agree on a place we both like.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: The best part is, these people respect my feelings and needs and do not criticize or belittle me for my feelings like I experienced in the past.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I have been struggling with is recognizing what some emotions feel like.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: To some, it may sound silly, but since I didn't get to feel many positive emotions and had to numb most of the emotions I did feel, I struggle to know what it feels like to have positive feelings.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know very well what anger, frustration, depression, anxiety, and hopelessness feels like.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: As much as my brain tried to numb these feelings, they were prominent in my youth and were turned down, but not entirely numbed.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Happiness, joy, pride, love, and excitement are harder for me to rekindle because I don't have much to base them on.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: What I've tried to do recently is recognize what I'm feeling when in a situation that I know should produce these kinds of feelings.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Recently I was with my family having dinner and laughing.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: At that moment, I looked inward, asking myself, what are you thinking?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: What are you physically feeling?
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: And what is your soul feeling?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: I logically knew this was a special moment with my family and wanted to make a connection with what was happening and allowing my emotions to freely flow.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I decided I was feeling joy at the positive experience with my family, happiness that we are connected, and safety in being who I naturally am.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: The next time I am in a positive situation, I will reflect on the feelings and thoughts I had in this situation to strengthen the emotions I'm feeling at that time.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you have spent years feeling numb, disconnected, or like you don't know who you are, I want you to hear this.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: You are not empty.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are not emotionless.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: You are not broken.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you are not failing at life because you don't experience emotions the way you think you're supposed to.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time when disconnecting from your feelings helped protect you.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain and nervous system were doing what they could to help you survive an overwhelming situation.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: But survival and living are not the same thing.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, you may decide that you don't just want to survive anymore, but to fully live in the moment and experience every thought and emotion you have to its fullest.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And in doing so, you will get to know the real you.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: The real you that you were always meant to be before trauma shut you down.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: The border of dissociation and emotional numbing was built in our mind to protect us from things that were too much to handle as a child.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as an adult, you can break down that border and learn to live instead of just surviving.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: As you break down that border, be patient with yourself.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: It took a long time to build that border.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: It is not going to come down overnight.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: You may discover feelings you were never allowed to experience.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may discover preferences you were never allowed to have.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you may feel some anger about all of that having been denied to you for so long.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: All of that is okay.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you feel or think is okay.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: The best part of all of it is that you will discover who you are inside all that numbing.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: I will post a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, that can help you work through discovering your feelings, wants, and needs and help you to develop into the person you were always meant to be.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Take your time and enjoy breaking down this border as you discover new things about the wonderful person you are.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you think you need more help with this, please consider seeking professional counseling and possibly one trained in EMDR therapy.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening today, and I hope you will join me again next week as I continue talking about the borders created in our minds from trauma and how we can tear them down.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, I hope you have a great week.