Latest / Dear Chelsea / On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Transcript

On Purpose with Jay Shetty · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
0:02
Speaker 2: Should we get right into it?
0:04
Speaker 1: Sure? I don't see why not. J Sheddy's back. Oh okay, a.
0:09
Speaker 2: J Sheddy is here. He's on his first live tour
0:11
Speaker 2: with the podcast, The On Purpose Tour.
0:14
Speaker 1: And he'll be telling us all about it. Hi. J Sheddy?
0:17
Speaker 3: Hello, how are you?
0:19
Speaker 1: Top of the morning to you? Where are you?
0:21
Speaker 3: I am at home in La.
0:23
Speaker 1: Oh, you're always at home in La. Well, you're not
0:25
Speaker 1: always at home in La, but whenever I see you
0:27
Speaker 1: on podcasts, which is primarily where I see you, you're
0:30
Speaker 1: at home in La.
0:31
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, exactly. How are you are you? Where are you?
0:35
Speaker 1: I'm in Whistler, Canada, enjoying the very last days of
0:38
Speaker 1: ski season.
0:39
Speaker 3: Which are Wow, that's amazing. Oh my gosh, that's incredible.
0:42
Speaker 1: It's my happy place. I wrote about it in my
0:45
Speaker 1: book that investing my time and learning how to ski
0:48
Speaker 1: and buying a place up in Whistler was the best
0:52
Speaker 1: medicine I could have ever given myself to achieve the
0:55
Speaker 1: next level of joyfulness in my life.
0:57
Speaker 3: I love that.
0:58
Speaker 1: Good for you, kay, We have well, we have a
1:00
Speaker 1: lot to talk about. Your start. You're launching a tour,
1:02
Speaker 1: your first in person tour on purpose.
1:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, first time I'm doing a podcast tour.
1:07
Speaker 1: So you're going to do live tapings of the podcast exactly.
1:11
Speaker 3: Yeah.
1:12
Speaker 1: And will the audience be able to participate?
1:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, one the audience stars questions. It's going to be
1:17
Speaker 3: highly interactive. I'm going to go out to the audience.
1:19
Speaker 3: We're going to bring them up on stage. There's there's
1:21
Speaker 3: a lot of exciting experiential stuff plans. So I can't wait.
1:25
Speaker 1: Oh, that's very exciting. I'm glad for you. Congrats on
1:27
Speaker 1: all of your success. You're everywhere. I know you've been
1:31
Speaker 1: working with lots of celebs, from Jada Pinkett Smith to
1:33
Speaker 1: Michelle Obama to all of these inspiring people. I want
1:37
Speaker 1: to ask you, how has your experience now now that
1:41
Speaker 1: you like live in Hollywood. I mean, you know, so
1:44
Speaker 1: to speak, your big presence in the healing meditation self
1:50
Speaker 1: help space and just kind of working on yourself. How
1:54
Speaker 1: has being exposed to all of these celebrities, how has
1:59
Speaker 1: that packeded your life? And how do you think our
2:02
Speaker 1: industry works with like benefiting from the work that you do.
2:07
Speaker 3: That's such an interesting question. I mean, I think the
2:10
Speaker 3: first thing it's made me realize is just how human
2:12
Speaker 3: everyone is, and how no matter what our career paths are,
2:17
Speaker 3: trajectories are, or how successful or famous someone is, that
2:22
Speaker 3: we're all dealing with the same challenges. You know, everyone
2:26
Speaker 3: is living in the same world, is stressed and anxious
2:29
Speaker 3: about their family, about what's happening outside of what they
2:32
Speaker 3: can't control, and so there's a real humanity that comes
2:35
Speaker 3: with it, which I really really love. I think that
2:38
Speaker 3: what I've found is there are far more people who
2:42
Speaker 3: also want to use their platform for a higher purpose
2:46
Speaker 3: and may just not know how. And a lot of
2:48
Speaker 3: people kind of found themselves into these very influential, pivotal positions,
2:55
Speaker 3: and a lot of people will say I want to
2:56
Speaker 3: do something purposeful, I want to do something meaningful. I
2:59
Speaker 3: just don't know how to do that. I don't know
3:01
Speaker 3: what that looks like because this is what my life
3:03
Speaker 3: has looked like for the past few decades. And so
3:06
Speaker 3: I find that there is quite an earnest, genuine desire
3:10
Speaker 3: to want to do good things and want to make
3:12
Speaker 3: a change, but not necessarily know what the vehicle for
3:16
Speaker 3: that is. And that's a really interesting conversation. And I
3:20
Speaker 3: think the other side of it is, I mean, how
3:22
Speaker 3: it's impacted my life is it's also challenged me to
3:26
Speaker 3: be really clear about what am I pursuing and what
3:30
Speaker 3: am I building, And so it's almost been a challenge
3:33
Speaker 3: for me in a healthy sense of being really clear
3:35
Speaker 3: about my purpose. I'm reminded of how valuable it is.
3:39
Speaker 3: I'll tell you a story. I remember talking to my
3:41
Speaker 3: monk teacher, who's been a monk for the last four decades.
3:45
Speaker 3: He's seventy five years old, and when I first moved
3:49
Speaker 3: to La, he said, you've got to be really cautious
3:51
Speaker 3: because you're moving to the capital of illusion. Those were
3:54
Speaker 3: his words. And I was really excited to move to
3:57
Speaker 3: LA and me and my wife loved LA and we
3:59
Speaker 3: were really looking forward to it, and we just love
4:02
Speaker 3: the sunshine and the nature. And I said to him,
4:05
Speaker 3: I'm working with a couple of people. I mentioned to him,
4:09
Speaker 3: and he had no idea who they were because he
4:11
Speaker 3: hasn't what TV or movies in like, you know, decades.
4:14
Speaker 3: And he said to me, he said, you're so lucky
4:17
Speaker 3: that you get to coach them on all your future challenges.
4:21
Speaker 3: And I love that statement because it was this really
4:23
Speaker 3: beautiful way of reminding me that my life would not
4:26
Speaker 3: be free of those challenges and issues and you know, dichotomies.
4:31
Speaker 3: And I think that that connection has always kept me
4:34
Speaker 3: focused on making sure that I keep doing the work
4:38
Speaker 3: while I'm trying to help people do the work, And
4:40
Speaker 3: so it's been a beautiful constant reminder as well. I
4:43
Speaker 3: don't know if that makes sense.
4:45
Speaker 1: No, it totally makes sense because I always find it
4:47
Speaker 1: more grounding to help other people that are Like when
4:51
Speaker 1: you're involved with someone who's the situation is dissimilar than
4:54
Speaker 1: your own, it's always like a nice salve on your
4:58
Speaker 1: soul to be able to step out of your self
5:00
Speaker 1: in order in service of another person. Like whenever I'm
5:04
Speaker 1: feeling down, I'm like, okay, go pay attention to someone
5:07
Speaker 1: else's life. Help somebody else like that's going through something,
5:09
Speaker 1: because that is a spirit lifter as well.
5:12
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and you you expand your radius of compassion with
5:16
Speaker 3: anyone you work with, because I think a lot of
5:18
Speaker 3: us have this. It's like we all feel like our
5:22
Speaker 3: problems are the worst, which they are when you're feeling them,
5:24
Speaker 3: but guess what everyone else is feeling that way about
5:27
Speaker 3: their problems. And when you start to learn about how
5:30
Speaker 3: intricate the human mind is and how emotions work and
5:34
Speaker 3: how they're created. You start to recognize how everyone looks
5:38
Speaker 3: at their set of problems as really difficult and really challenging,
5:42
Speaker 3: even if for you it'd be a walk in the park.
5:44
Speaker 3: And so it's really fascinating expanding your radius of compassion
5:48
Speaker 3: because you start to be able to take on more
5:50
Speaker 3: understand people more. And I think that's what I'm excited about,
5:53
Speaker 3: is I get to travel across the world and work
5:56
Speaker 3: with people from all different backgrounds and all different walks
5:58
Speaker 3: of life. It's not just Hollywood. And to me, when
6:01
Speaker 3: I get to see people in different spaces and places,
6:05
Speaker 3: it kind of just allows me to recognize how much
6:08
Speaker 3: I don't understand about the human condition, how much more
6:10
Speaker 3: there still is to learn, how judgmental I can be,
6:14
Speaker 3: how critical I can be, how small minded I can be.
6:18
Speaker 3: And I love challenging all of that because I think
6:20
Speaker 3: it's really easy to think, oh, I have all the
6:22
Speaker 3: answers and I have the solutions, and then actually, when
6:25
Speaker 3: you start working with more people, you realize you don't.
6:27
Speaker 3: And the most human thing you know to do is
6:29
Speaker 3: to sit with someone and hold their hands and look
6:31
Speaker 3: into their eyes and just be present with them. And
6:34
Speaker 3: then you start realizing that that is the realist thing
6:37
Speaker 3: that people need and the truest wisdom. So it's like
6:40
Speaker 3: this counterintuitive idea of that. I mean, we've heard this
6:44
Speaker 3: for ages, but it's true. The more you know, the
6:46
Speaker 3: more you realize you don't know, and how much more
6:49
Speaker 3: there is to learn.
6:50
Speaker 1: And also to meet everything with love, right when you
6:52
Speaker 1: can come from a place of love, even when you're
6:54
Speaker 1: dealing with anger or frustration or any of the things
6:58
Speaker 1: that don't make you feel good, to just turn it
7:00
Speaker 1: with love is a beautiful lesson that's not always easy
7:04
Speaker 1: to practice with every single person, but it's a great
7:06
Speaker 1: thing to remember. Not to meet anger with anger, not
7:09
Speaker 1: to meet resistance with more resistance. It's like treating I
7:13
Speaker 1: always think about how you're supposed to treat children. You know,
7:15
Speaker 1: when they're having a temper tantrum. You don't scream and
7:17
Speaker 1: yell at them. That doesn't get results. You have to
7:20
Speaker 1: sit there and be patient and love them up. You know,
7:23
Speaker 1: I don't this whole punishment and argument arguing like that
7:27
Speaker 1: doesn't lead anywhere. It's just like this air. It's like
7:29
Speaker 1: hot air that goes nowhere.
7:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, you've reminded me of this beautiful, beautiful thought from
7:35
Speaker 3: Russell Barkley. Russell Barkley once said that the people who
7:39
Speaker 3: need the most love often ask for it in the
7:43
Speaker 3: most unloving ways. And so when I see someone's behavior,
7:47
Speaker 3: the first thing I try and think of is, how
7:50
Speaker 3: is that a plea for love? How is that a
7:52
Speaker 3: pledge for love? Whatever behavior you see from someone, whether
7:56
Speaker 3: it's anger, whether it's frustration, whether it's judgment, whether it's criticism,
8:00
Speaker 3: whether it's fear, it's them asking for love in some way.
8:05
Speaker 3: And I think we see it in children the most.
8:07
Speaker 3: Where when a child's throwing a tantrum or on the floor,
8:11
Speaker 3: like crying and bashing their feet and hands, they're simply
8:15
Speaker 3: asking for presence, love and connection. That's what they're looking for.
8:18
Speaker 3: And I think we're all just big children who are
8:21
Speaker 3: still asking for love, still seeking that approval, still wanting
8:25
Speaker 3: that connection and that embrace. And the sad thing is
8:28
Speaker 3: we don't get it. And because we don't get it,
8:30
Speaker 3: well you retaliate even further. So I love what you said.
8:32
Speaker 3: And that's what I try and always imagine is when
8:35
Speaker 3: I sit with someone and I look at them, I
8:37
Speaker 3: try to look at them as the child that was neglected, mistreated, lost, confused, stuck,
8:45
Speaker 3: because that allows me to have the compassion for them
8:48
Speaker 3: that I might not have now that you assume they're
8:51
Speaker 3: an adult. As soon as you assume someone's an adult,
8:53
Speaker 3: you assume they should have certain behavior as manners, traits.
8:56
Speaker 3: As soon as you recognize, well, they're just a kid
8:58
Speaker 3: in an adult's body, you start thinking differently about problems
9:02
Speaker 3: and challenges. So that always helps me for sure.
9:05
Speaker 1: And then how do you frame like accountability with people
9:07
Speaker 1: who are doing the work who are adults. But obviously
9:10
Speaker 1: we can we can take that framework and that attitude
9:13
Speaker 1: that everyone's a little kid. But then say you have
9:16
Speaker 1: a long friendship with somebody and their intention is to
9:18
Speaker 1: spiritually grow. They're having conversations and there, but they don't
9:22
Speaker 1: seem to be making any movement or making better decisions
9:25
Speaker 1: for themselves. They keep getting themselves in the same situation.
9:28
Speaker 1: It's just like a psych you know, a cyclical behavior.
9:32
Speaker 1: And like, I have something somebody in my life that
9:35
Speaker 1: I struggle with because I'm like, I can't help you anymore,
9:37
Speaker 1: Like I don't know what to do and I I
9:39
Speaker 1: honestly don't have the bandwidth. And it's not that I
9:41
Speaker 1: don't love you. I do, but I don't know how
9:44
Speaker 1: to help you move towards what you think you want.
9:47
Speaker 1: You know what I mean, And so how do you
9:49
Speaker 1: handle those people who just kind of keep hitting a wall?
9:52
Speaker 1: At an age where like I went to therapy, I
9:55
Speaker 1: learned my I got my shit together, and I made
9:58
Speaker 1: huge improvements. So I don't I want to be a
10:00
Speaker 1: spiritual narcissist and say I'm better than anyone. But I
10:04
Speaker 1: did the work I learned, I absorbed it, and then
10:07
Speaker 1: my output is different. So when someone can't get that
10:10
Speaker 1: ball rolling, how would you handle that?
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Speaker 3: The first thing I do, and I think you've already
10:15
Speaker 3: done this, but I think it's important to point it out.
10:17
Speaker 3: The first thing I do is I think about how
10:19
Speaker 3: many steps forward I took and how many steps back
10:22
Speaker 3: I took, and how often I did that on my
10:25
Speaker 3: own spiritual journey. So I think about the time when
10:28
Speaker 3: I was that person who had all these grand ambitions
10:32
Speaker 3: and grand aspirations but still fell short. And I know
10:35
Speaker 3: in my spiritual journey it was plenty cyclical and plenty
10:40
Speaker 3: two steps forward three steps back, and that allows me
10:43
Speaker 3: to have an expansion of my compassion again and empathy
10:47
Speaker 3: to be like, actually, when I was on that transition
10:49
Speaker 3: and that journey, that's exactly what it looked like for me.
10:52
Speaker 3: I just forgot it because I'm somewhat on the other
10:55
Speaker 3: side now and I've got better at those habits. So
10:57
Speaker 3: that definitely is what avoids being as spiritual narcissists, because
11:01
Speaker 3: you know, I think that's such an important part. The
11:04
Speaker 3: second part is this, I really look at it. If
11:07
Speaker 3: I don't have a professional relationship with someone, I try
11:10
Speaker 3: not to force accountability on them. I look at my
11:14
Speaker 3: relationship as being one of patients, of being one of encouragement,
11:17
Speaker 3: of being one of support. And what I've found is
11:21
Speaker 3: that those people who aren't accountable, who are cyclical. There's
11:24
Speaker 3: this amazing meme I saw the other day and I
11:26
Speaker 3: loved it, and on the top it had five water
11:30
Speaker 3: cups and they were all perfectly filled at the same level,
11:34
Speaker 3: so they were all half full, and it said, this
11:37
Speaker 3: is not consistency. And on the second tier it had
11:41
Speaker 3: one water cup that was full, one that was little,
11:43
Speaker 3: one that was half, one that was three quarters, one
11:46
Speaker 3: that was a quarter, and it said, this is what
11:48
Speaker 3: consistency looks like. And I thought to myself, that's so true.
11:52
Speaker 3: We think consistency is I worked out five days a week,
11:55
Speaker 3: every day, every week of the year, fifty two weeks
11:58
Speaker 3: of year. And the truth is, for all of us
12:00
Speaker 3: who work out or try and stay healthy, it's like
12:02
Speaker 3: this week, I've worked out five days a week. Next
12:04
Speaker 3: week I might do three. The next week I might
12:06
Speaker 3: do seven, The next week I might do four. And
12:08
Speaker 3: so I think recognizing that consistency on a machine looks perfect,
12:14
Speaker 3: but consistency and accountability on a human looks sporadic. And
12:18
Speaker 3: then the third thing when it comes to you feeling exhausted,
12:20
Speaker 3: and by the way I relate to you, I have
12:22
Speaker 3: friends who have given the same piece of advice to
12:25
Speaker 3: for seven years, and after seven years, I have stopped
12:29
Speaker 3: giving that advice because I realized that it is wasted
12:33
Speaker 3: because that advice is not changing their life and they
12:36
Speaker 3: don't have the capacity, the emotional availability, or the intention
12:40
Speaker 3: to change, or the attraction to change. And again, I
12:44
Speaker 3: focus on what I can control. I've realized that often
12:47
Speaker 3: I was giving that advice because it sounded right, but
12:49
Speaker 3: they didn't really ask for it, they didn't really want it.
12:51
Speaker 3: They never told me they were accountable, And so I've started.
12:55
Speaker 3: I've stopped giving unsolicited advice unless someone tells me, Jay,
12:59
Speaker 3: I am accountable to you for thirty days, tell me
13:01
Speaker 3: what to do and I will do it. Unless someone
13:03
Speaker 3: says that to me and commits that way, I just
13:06
Speaker 3: keep it as a casual friendship. I'm happy for them
13:08
Speaker 3: to have the same problems. Of course, I may not
13:10
Speaker 3: talk to them as often, and I'm okay with the
13:13
Speaker 3: fact that my life's going to move on, because I
13:15
Speaker 3: don't want to take on keeping you accountable when you
13:18
Speaker 3: haven't committed to that, And I think that's on us
13:21
Speaker 3: to make sure that we create that clarification.
13:25
Speaker 1: Because like, okay, So that leads me to the next question,
13:28
Speaker 1: which is people who are not doing the work, which
13:31
Speaker 1: I think you kind of answer just now, like how
13:33
Speaker 1: do you deal and especially I think right now, you know,
13:36
Speaker 1: with the political landscape the way it is, and people
13:38
Speaker 1: are so frustrated and angry and scared, and people are
13:42
Speaker 1: dealing with, you know, people and their family who've voted
13:45
Speaker 1: differently politically and having to kind of maintain relationships in
13:49
Speaker 1: the name of being a bigger person, like not just
13:52
Speaker 1: cutting off relationships because someone voted for the person that
13:54
Speaker 1: you didn't want to win. But how do you advise
13:58
Speaker 1: people to handle this in the times we're living in
14:01
Speaker 1: because it is really obviously divisive and really scary for
14:06
Speaker 1: all of us.
14:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, you're You're so right, And the amount of
14:09
Speaker 3: phone calls I get about that topic is high. I
14:13
Speaker 3: genuinely believe there's two ways this goes right. You either
14:17
Speaker 3: have someone in your life who's willing to have an
14:19
Speaker 3: open and honest conversation and this is probably rare, and
14:23
Speaker 3: someone who's actually willing to hold space for your perspective.
14:25
Speaker 3: I think that's actually become quite rare, and the problem
14:28
Speaker 3: is that's what we actually need. On the other hand,
14:32
Speaker 3: every time the topic comes up, someone's fuse flips, someone
14:36
Speaker 3: starts being derogatory, someone starts being combative, someone starts being judgmental,
14:42
Speaker 3: someone starts being a debater, and no one wants to
14:45
Speaker 3: have a professional and unprofessional debate at the dining table.
14:48
Speaker 3: And so I think the challenge is that's what we're
14:50
Speaker 3: dealing with. We've lost the ability to have healthy conversations
14:55
Speaker 3: where we have disagreements. There's a beautiful statement that I
14:58
Speaker 3: love from f Scott Fitzgerald where he said that the
15:02
Speaker 3: sign of a first rate intelligence is the ability to
15:06
Speaker 3: hold two ideas, two opposing ideas, at the same time,
15:12
Speaker 3: and still retain the ability to function. So the fact
15:15
Speaker 3: that you could actually hold two ideas that are completely opposite,
15:19
Speaker 3: that's actually what he calls a first rate intelligence. I
15:22
Speaker 3: think we've lost that completely. And the second part he
15:25
Speaker 3: says to that statement, which I love, is he says
15:28
Speaker 3: one should therefore be able to see that everything is hopeless,
15:33
Speaker 3: but be determined to make it otherwise. In other words,
15:37
Speaker 3: you also able to hold the idea that the world
15:39
Speaker 3: isn't a mess. It's chaotic, it gets crazy, this is insane,
15:42
Speaker 3: and we can still do something about it. And so
15:45
Speaker 3: I think now we've got very good at picking aside,
15:48
Speaker 3: even in hope. So you're either hopeless, the world's a mess,
15:52
Speaker 3: it's all over, or you're full of hope and optimistic.
15:55
Speaker 3: But we don't need either of them. We need to
15:57
Speaker 3: lean into the dark as much as the light in
15:59
Speaker 3: order to actually deal with the darkness. And so what
16:02
Speaker 3: I would suggest is, if you don't have someone in
16:05
Speaker 3: your life who's willing to open up and have that conversation, sadly,
16:08
Speaker 3: that is a disconnect. It is someone you have to
16:11
Speaker 3: distance from and it's not worth engaging because it's just
16:14
Speaker 3: going to create more turmoil, more stress, more ignorance, and
16:18
Speaker 3: more pain in both of your lives. And that's just
16:21
Speaker 3: the real that's just the truth. I wish it wasn't that,
16:24
Speaker 3: but it is that. On the other hand, I would
16:26
Speaker 3: encourage the individual to find those people they can have
16:30
Speaker 3: those conversations with, because that's just healthy for us as humans.
16:33
Speaker 3: Because guess what, when you wake up, you may be
16:36
Speaker 3: in a really positive mood, but it starts raining outside.
16:39
Speaker 3: That's what life is. Accepting that you can be in
16:41
Speaker 3: a positive mood and it can be raining outside at
16:44
Speaker 3: the same time. That's what we're trying to get to.
16:46
Speaker 3: We're not trying to get into a positive mood all
16:48
Speaker 3: the time, and we're not trying to be negative all
16:50
Speaker 3: the time. We're trying to accept that I can see
16:52
Speaker 3: both these things coexist, and I'm going to coexist in
16:55
Speaker 3: reality with them. And so I think sadly the reality
17:00
Speaker 3: is that a lot of people can't talk to the
17:02
Speaker 3: people in their life because that person will turn it
17:05
Speaker 3: into an argument and a debate, not a healthy disagreement.
17:09
Speaker 3: But I would challenge each person listening to say, can
17:12
Speaker 3: you be that person to have healthy conversations, to see
17:16
Speaker 3: other sides, to see other opinions without making it a debate,
17:19
Speaker 3: because that's the kind of world we need to live in.
17:22
Speaker 1: And also, and if it's not a relationship that's going
17:24
Speaker 1: to work for you, how do you feel about putting
17:26
Speaker 1: a pause on a relationship or cutting someone off if
17:29
Speaker 1: it's not affecting you in a positive way, or if
17:31
Speaker 1: it's just proven to be too exhaustive.
17:34
Speaker 3: Yeah, if something's always stressing you out and draining you
17:37
Speaker 3: and triggering you, you don't belong there. That's what I'd
17:41
Speaker 3: like to remind people. You don't belong in places that
17:44
Speaker 3: constantly drain and trigger you. Now you start there. Over time,
17:49
Speaker 3: as you strengthen and as you grow, you actually are
17:52
Speaker 3: open to the challenge. So the same environment that used
17:55
Speaker 3: to drain and trigger you when you grow and strengthen spiritually,
17:59
Speaker 3: now you're welcoming the challenge, You're welcoming the discomfort because
18:03
Speaker 3: you recognize you can hold space for it. And finally,
18:06
Speaker 3: you can actually find a way to even thrive in
18:08
Speaker 3: environments that originally used to drain you. And that's what
18:11
Speaker 3: spiritual growth is. Spiritual growth is not running away from
18:16
Speaker 3: painful places. Spiritual growth is strengthening yourself so much that
18:20
Speaker 3: something that used to drain you now challenges you and
18:24
Speaker 3: now actually helps you thrive. In the Geeta, which is
18:28
Speaker 3: the ancient text of India around five thousand years old,
18:32
Speaker 3: the language that's used when translated from Sanskrit is relishing
18:36
Speaker 3: the battle. This idea that you relish the battle because
18:39
Speaker 3: you recognize the battle makes you more alert, The battle
18:42
Speaker 3: makes you more conscious, the battle makes you more present.
18:46
Speaker 3: It's the old adage from Buddhism that says better to
18:50
Speaker 3: be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in
18:54
Speaker 3: a war, and that idea that it's always good to
18:56
Speaker 3: train like a warrior to be able to be able
18:59
Speaker 3: to battle or when you need to, but live in
19:01
Speaker 3: a peaceful garden. Then it is to be a gardener
19:04
Speaker 3: in a war who doesn't know how to deal with
19:06
Speaker 3: that stress and pressure. And so I love to remind
19:09
Speaker 3: people that spiritual growth is strengthening yourself to the point
19:12
Speaker 3: that what used to drain you now actually helps you thrive.
19:16
Speaker 1: Love it, love it. Okay, we're going to take a
19:18
Speaker 1: break and we're going to be right back with Jayshetty If.
19:20
Speaker 2: You'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at Dear
19:22
Speaker 2: Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear
19:26
Speaker 2: your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on,
19:29
Speaker 2: but this week we're specifically looking for questions about family issues.
19:32
Speaker 1: If you have an issue with a family member, or
19:34
Speaker 1: you need.
19:34
Speaker 2: Advice about a specific relationship issue, please write in at
19:37
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
19:43
Speaker 1: And we're back with Jayshetty. This is off topic, Jay,
19:46
Speaker 1: but you look at yops very nice. Have you been
19:49
Speaker 1: working out?
19:50
Speaker 3: I have been working out. That's the best. I love
19:52
Speaker 3: I appreciate that. That's very sweet. I love it.
19:54
Speaker 1: Okay, great, we're going to take some callers. Catherine, what
19:57
Speaker 1: do we got.
19:57
Speaker 2: We have some tricky ones today, so Jay, I know
20:02
Speaker 2: you'll bring your a game. So our first caller is Michelle.
20:05
Speaker 2: She's calling in from the Midwest. She says, Dear Chelsea,
20:09
Speaker 2: my husband and I have two adult children living at home,
20:11
Speaker 2: twenty five and twenty three, a daughter and a son, respectively.
20:15
Speaker 2: Both my kids, who are really adults, are paying very
20:17
Speaker 2: minimal rent. Our daughter is working full time, planning her
20:20
Speaker 2: future and saving money while paying off her school loan.
20:23
Speaker 2: She has a significant other and plans on moving eventually
20:26
Speaker 2: when the right opportunity presents itself, hopefully soon. Meanwhile, our son,
20:31
Speaker 2: who is on the autism spectrum, is working a part
20:33
Speaker 2: time job about twenty hours a week maximum and has
20:36
Speaker 2: absolutely no plan to try and better himself, forget any
20:39
Speaker 2: kind of schooling training, even though it has all been
20:41
Speaker 2: offered to him countless times. We've tried our best to
20:44
Speaker 2: encourage him his whole life and have given him all
20:46
Speaker 2: the tools he needs to launch himself into adulthood, but
20:49
Speaker 2: he simply refuses. We've set boundaries for behaviors and expectations
20:53
Speaker 2: in regards to his computer gaming, and taught him how
20:55
Speaker 2: to look after himself and the pets in the house
20:57
Speaker 2: when we sometimes travel, but we worry that everything we've
21:00
Speaker 2: given him, why would he ever want to leave? Is
21:03
Speaker 2: it cruel to want him out of the house. There
21:05
Speaker 2: seem to be lots of state programs for people who
21:07
Speaker 2: fall on different places on the spectrum than him, but
21:10
Speaker 2: he doesn't want to explore anything past his current situation.
21:12
Speaker 2: He's just stuck and we don't know what to do
21:14
Speaker 2: to move him forward. Any suggestions, Michelle oh.
21:18
Speaker 1: Hi, Michelle Hi Telsey, Hi, this is our special guest,
21:21
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty's here today.
21:23
Speaker 4: Hi, Jajachelle, thank you so much for taking my question.
21:27
Speaker 1: Oh absolutely, Where is he on the spectrum? Is it
21:30
Speaker 1: prohibitive of him? I mean you said he could do
21:32
Speaker 1: many things, but he's able to work, right, He does work.
21:36
Speaker 5: He has a part time position.
21:37
Speaker 4: It's at a grocery store. He gets a little anxiety,
21:41
Speaker 4: you know, he gets heightened at times. I would consider
21:44
Speaker 4: him high functioning on the spectrum. However, he does have
21:48
Speaker 4: some challenges and he's not building a skill set for
21:52
Speaker 4: himself because you think he's limiting himself.
21:55
Speaker 1: Right, right, And he does he have the right counseling?
21:58
Speaker 1: Does he have the right therapist? Like does you have
22:00
Speaker 1: a support system in that aspect?
22:02
Speaker 4: He does have a therapist currently, and he's working for
22:06
Speaker 4: the last six years, I think since high school. He's
22:09
Speaker 4: been working with this wonderful person. But he has to
22:13
Speaker 4: want to take the tools from the toolkit and use them,
22:15
Speaker 4: so we're trying to.
22:16
Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds to me like he's got a
22:18
Speaker 1: pretty good gig, so why would he want to leave?
22:20
Speaker 1: Which is what you basically said in your letter, Jayre,
22:24
Speaker 1: What are your opening thoughts on this.
22:26
Speaker 3: Well, Michelle, first of all, thanks thanks for your question,
22:29
Speaker 3: and I'm sure it's been challenging on both sides. Right
22:32
Speaker 3: These things are not easy. And when I think about
22:35
Speaker 3: like the question of when's the right time for him
22:38
Speaker 3: to move out, I think the better question is is
22:43
Speaker 3: is he aware of what it's going to take. And
22:45
Speaker 3: it sounds like he is, and as you both just said,
22:49
Speaker 3: he seems very comfortable where he is, and so he
22:51
Speaker 3: has no need And I think when I see people
22:54
Speaker 3: in that situation, sadly, what really helps someone move is
22:58
Speaker 3: recognizing that what is comfortable for them right now isn't
23:02
Speaker 3: going to sustain and that actually allows people to build independence.
23:06
Speaker 3: And as you said, he has the right support. It's
23:08
Speaker 3: not like you're you know, it seems like he's surrounded
23:11
Speaker 3: by a really great support system, which is so important
23:14
Speaker 3: in this scenario. I would encourage you to find ways
23:18
Speaker 3: to do it in smaller doses. Is there the ability
23:22
Speaker 3: for you to travel where he's spending a day on
23:25
Speaker 3: his own with support of course, a weekend on his
23:28
Speaker 3: own at home, even at the house on his own, right,
23:31
Speaker 3: so he's not moving out yet, how do you kind
23:33
Speaker 3: of get into that middle ground where he's starting to
23:35
Speaker 3: learn to take care of himself in small doses, whether
23:38
Speaker 3: it's a weekend, a week whatever that may be. So
23:41
Speaker 3: he starts to recognize A he gets confidence that he
23:43
Speaker 3: can do it, and b he loses the comfort that
23:46
Speaker 3: he gets to fall back on with you. And I
23:49
Speaker 3: think that is what we're really looking at. It's a
23:51
Speaker 3: confidence and comfort place. And of course we want him
23:53
Speaker 3: to be supported, we want him to be surrounded, making
23:55
Speaker 3: sure that he's not, you know, in a position that
23:58
Speaker 3: would compromise him or cause discomfort to an extreme sense.
24:01
Speaker 3: But at the same time, I think it's doing that.
24:04
Speaker 3: You need to go and travel, you need to go
24:05
Speaker 3: and live your life. You need to go and you
24:06
Speaker 3: know it sounds like you want to go and experience
24:08
Speaker 3: things and have more freedom for yourself. I think that
24:11
Speaker 3: has to happen first in order to help him recognize
24:15
Speaker 3: that this isn't a sustainable long term position for him,
24:18
Speaker 3: and for him to have to build the tools and
24:21
Speaker 3: rather than going through the big leap and the big
24:23
Speaker 3: jump of having his own place, having an apartment, whatever
24:26
Speaker 3: that may mean for him, it's starting to do that
24:28
Speaker 3: at home. And I think if he starts to see
24:31
Speaker 3: that and starts to recognize that you're living your life.
24:33
Speaker 3: He'll then get the conscious independence to go and do
24:36
Speaker 3: the same.
24:37
Speaker 4: Yes, I agree, we have done that.
24:39
Speaker 5: Actually, we just returned from a trip.
24:41
Speaker 4: We were gone for a solid week and the house
24:44
Speaker 4: didn't burn down. He's, of course, his sister's here as
24:47
Speaker 4: while my daughter was here, so she's a couple of
24:50
Speaker 4: years older, so she's here to facilitate some things, you know,
24:52
Speaker 4: problem solving things if needed. But basically we've been able
24:56
Speaker 4: to travel, so I'm grateful for that. It's just the
24:59
Speaker 4: point of moving him to the next step to get
25:01
Speaker 4: him confident enough to and also have the income to
25:04
Speaker 4: support it as well, which is a challenge because he
25:06
Speaker 4: is working a part time position and I don't know
25:09
Speaker 4: that We're going to have to lean into something that's
25:11
Speaker 4: a little bit more sustainable.
25:13
Speaker 1: Also, I think include him in the planning, you know,
25:17
Speaker 1: work together with him to come up with a plan
25:19
Speaker 1: so that he is part of his own future, you
25:22
Speaker 1: know what I mean. There's one thing to give somebody
25:24
Speaker 1: else a plan and be like, okay, you have sixty
25:25
Speaker 1: days and we need you to figure it out, which
25:27
Speaker 1: is not what you're suggesting anyway. But to actually give
25:30
Speaker 1: him some agency in his own future so that he
25:33
Speaker 1: can also work with you, Like I we're going to
25:36
Speaker 1: all sit together and figure out how we're going to
25:39
Speaker 1: move forward and what our timeframe is, what you want
25:42
Speaker 1: to do, you know, how you're going to do this.
25:44
Speaker 1: You're going to have to move out at some point,
25:46
Speaker 1: so let's figure out what the plan is to get
25:48
Speaker 1: you in a space, in a spot where you are
25:51
Speaker 1: taken care of and you're making enough money to support yourself,
25:54
Speaker 1: and let him be a part of that process, of course.
25:57
Speaker 1: And also when you go away the next time, you know,
25:59
Speaker 1: maybe make sure your daughter does give him more of
26:01
Speaker 1: the responsibility so that he can't depend on her and
26:04
Speaker 1: that she's not like insurance. You know, let him have
26:07
Speaker 1: like two days where he's doing everything and he's not
26:10
Speaker 1: allowed to ask her for stuff and she he's not
26:11
Speaker 1: allowed to ask her for backup, to start actually demonstrating
26:16
Speaker 1: independence and start acting and living it, and I think
26:19
Speaker 1: that will infuse in him some more kind of self
26:23
Speaker 1: confidence and self assuredness.
26:25
Speaker 6: You know.
26:25
Speaker 1: I think that's you just kind of have to build
26:27
Speaker 1: somebody up before you let them fly away. And that's
26:31
Speaker 1: what it sounds like. You guys maybe need to do
26:33
Speaker 1: in addition to you know, everything you've already done.
26:36
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, I would agree with Chelsea. I think this
26:39
Speaker 3: it sounds like naturally, you've done this for so long
26:43
Speaker 3: and been amazing and been so supportive and been so loving,
26:46
Speaker 3: and it's always hard when it's almost like you've done
26:48
Speaker 3: all of that and then you want it to change.
26:50
Speaker 3: And I think you're in that in between stage. And
26:53
Speaker 3: when I look at it from his position, I think
26:56
Speaker 3: Chelsea's planning point is spot on. Like I think he
26:59
Speaker 3: needs to be in vested in his future, recognize the
27:02
Speaker 3: value of it, be able to set timelines with you.
27:05
Speaker 3: I think when you set a timeline for someone, it
27:08
Speaker 3: becomes a deadline that puts too much pressure on them,
27:11
Speaker 3: Whereas if they set the timeline with them, it becomes
27:14
Speaker 3: something they can aspire for and work towards. And for me,
27:17
Speaker 3: for him, confidence is going to come from competence, and
27:21
Speaker 3: competence is going to come from discomfort, and so it's
27:25
Speaker 3: the removal of comfort that's going to build competence. And
27:27
Speaker 3: exactly as Chelsea said that if you can find a
27:30
Speaker 3: way to really set those boundaries with him and his sister,
27:32
Speaker 3: so that he's not overly supported beyond what he truly
27:36
Speaker 3: does need that couldn't be taken away. And it's not
27:39
Speaker 3: a punishment. It's not done in a negative way. It's
27:41
Speaker 3: not like, oh, we're going to take this away, you know.
27:43
Speaker 3: I think it's done in a way to just say, like,
27:45
Speaker 3: we already believe in you. We can see that you
27:47
Speaker 3: have all these amazing skills and you've been working so hard.
27:50
Speaker 3: And I think that tone is so important too. I
27:53
Speaker 3: think when someone feels discouraged, they get disengaged and they
27:58
Speaker 3: start to feel like it's not exciting for them, whereas
28:01
Speaker 3: this could be a really exciting opportunity for him to
28:04
Speaker 3: really raise to that burians raise to that next level.
28:07
Speaker 3: And so I really feel looking at it from encouragement, excitement,
28:11
Speaker 3: aspiration rather than like frustration, stress and comfort, if that
28:16
Speaker 3: makes sense.
28:17
Speaker 5: Definitely.
28:18
Speaker 4: Yeah, So we are working on encouraging him all the time.
28:21
Speaker 4: It's just you know, it's it's going to be a
28:24
Speaker 4: process and we're working through it. And I think the
28:27
Speaker 4: first step would be to move the twenty five year
28:29
Speaker 4: old out so she wouldn't even be a crutch in
28:31
Speaker 4: the first place.
28:32
Speaker 1: So we're worrying, Yeah, and you can motivate her by
28:35
Speaker 1: telling her that you really are trying to get his
28:37
Speaker 1: independence going and that you know, like yeah, like but.
28:40
Speaker 5: We're doing together.
28:42
Speaker 1: You're doing the lord's work. Thank you for taking care
28:44
Speaker 1: of your children. Yeah, and the way it's past the
28:47
Speaker 1: time that you're obligated to. So that's very nice.
28:50
Speaker 2: Also, And if you're finding that you're having like a
28:52
Speaker 2: difficult time having these conversations and like really seeing movement,
28:56
Speaker 2: you could loop in like a counselor you know, somebody
28:58
Speaker 2: who's a third party or fourth party in this case
29:01
Speaker 2: with you and your husband and your son, just to
29:02
Speaker 2: sort of like help you set those boundaries, feel out
29:05
Speaker 2: what's appropriate in this really specific situation.
29:08
Speaker 4: Yes, I actually saw a therapist about a year ago,
29:11
Speaker 4: and her suggestion to me was to wait it out
29:14
Speaker 4: and let him make the decisions.
29:16
Speaker 2: Which you might be waiting forever.
29:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, you'll never mind that advice. Let's my mom, this
29:20
Speaker 1: is your new these are your new marching orders.
29:22
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, thank you, all right, thanks so much.
29:26
Speaker 3: And Michelle, thank you, Michelle.
29:30
Speaker 2: Jay bye bye. I feel like more parents just need
29:33
Speaker 2: to start, like when they're in that situation and the
29:35
Speaker 2: child is ready, just start raising the rent like fifty
29:37
Speaker 2: or one hundred bucks a month, and soon enough they'll one.
29:41
Speaker 1: Funny, you have children and you're like, this is gonna
29:43
Speaker 1: be amazing, and then they're twenty five and twenty six,
29:45
Speaker 1: you're like, why are they still here? Shinester.
29:49
Speaker 3: It's so hard. I see. It's it's in South Asian culture.
29:52
Speaker 3: It's very prominent as well for people to stay at
29:54
Speaker 3: home until they get married. And I'm not I'm not
29:57
Speaker 3: for that at all, And you know, I think it's
29:59
Speaker 3: so unhealthy. It's almost like, well, now you get married
30:01
Speaker 3: and you have to become an adult as soon as
30:02
Speaker 3: you get married, and it makes the marriage so much harder.
30:04
Speaker 3: It's it's really really tough in so many different circumstances.
30:08
Speaker 3: Of course, this was very specific in challenging with Michelle.
30:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well we'll check in with her in a
30:14
Speaker 2: couple months and see where she's at with that.
30:16
Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, you do that.
30:17
Speaker 5: Well.
30:18
Speaker 2: Our next call comes from Libby. She's thirty one. She says,
30:21
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, I was born with a rare medical condition
30:25
Speaker 2: that has required over fifty surgeries over the course of
30:27
Speaker 2: my thirty one years. It has to do with my
30:30
Speaker 2: urinary digestive and reproductive tracks and continues to present a
30:33
Speaker 2: host of issues. Half my organs are made up of
30:36
Speaker 2: other organs, and most recently, this one's fun. I had
30:39
Speaker 2: to have a vaginal reconstruction using buckle mucoset tissue for
30:42
Speaker 2: my lower lip like the goddamn movie Teeth. The surgeon
30:45
Speaker 2: who operated on me was the first physician to understand
30:48
Speaker 2: how to treat people with my condition. Had I been
30:50
Speaker 2: born just a handful of years earlier, who knows what
30:53
Speaker 2: the outcome would have been. This actor was brilliant, but
30:56
Speaker 2: had an ego the size of King Kong. When I
30:58
Speaker 2: first googled my condition, I found article in which he
31:01
Speaker 2: was interviewed. The title of the article the doctor Repairs
31:04
Speaker 2: Damaged Babies. It goes on to describe people with my
31:07
Speaker 2: medical condition as experiencing anatomical anarchy, and the physician is
31:12
Speaker 2: quoted as saying it's hard not to believe in a
31:14
Speaker 2: Satanic power when looking at bodies ravaged by such a condition.
31:18
Speaker 2: Needless to say, I didn't take it well, especially as
31:21
Speaker 2: an Irish Catholic from Boston. I could go on about
31:24
Speaker 2: my medical trauma, but I'm looking for advice on how
31:27
Speaker 2: to date with such a complicated medical history. I have
31:30
Speaker 2: scars and different medical devices on my body. I have
31:32
Speaker 2: to do several medical procedures every day just to live
31:35
Speaker 2: a somewhat normal life. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends, that's right,
31:38
Speaker 2: twenty first century bitch. But for the last three years
31:41
Speaker 2: I've felt stuck. As I got closer to thirty, people
31:44
Speaker 2: began talking about marriage and having kids. I shut down
31:47
Speaker 2: because the likelihood of me having a child is low,
31:49
Speaker 2: and even just the idea of letting another person close
31:51
Speaker 2: to the mayhem that is my jack in the box
31:53
Speaker 2: body is exhausting. I'm not lonely, I have lots of friends,
31:58
Speaker 2: and I don't even know if I want to get
31:59
Speaker 2: married or have CAD, but I'd sure like to at
32:01
Speaker 2: least be at risk of getting pregnant in my what
32:04
Speaker 2: feels like hundreds of medical appointments each year. When they
32:07
Speaker 2: ask any chance of pregnancy, sometimes I lie just to
32:10
Speaker 2: make the medical assistant think I'm getting some but I'm
32:12
Speaker 2: not and haven't for well, that's not important. The thing is,
32:16
Speaker 2: I know this is a mental block more than anything.
32:18
Speaker 2: What should I do? How do I let people in?
32:20
Speaker 2: In every sense of the word.
32:22
Speaker 1: Libby, Wow, Hi, Libby Hi, nice to meet you. This
32:27
Speaker 1: is our special guest, Jay Shaddy's here today.
32:29
Speaker 3: Hello, Hey, Lebby, nice to meet you.
32:32
Speaker 1: Well, Libby, the first thing I would say to you
32:35
Speaker 1: is that you really need to flip the script in
32:36
Speaker 1: your head. The fact that you have survived all these
32:39
Speaker 1: things makes you a fucking badass. You're a badass. Your
32:42
Speaker 1: body has served you, even though it doesn't feel like that.
32:45
Speaker 1: And the story that you've been telling yourself is one
32:48
Speaker 1: and I totally get it. You've been through hell, it
32:50
Speaker 1: sounds like and that doctor forget about him? Also, you
32:54
Speaker 1: know what I mean, who cares about him? He helped you,
32:57
Speaker 1: and who cares what that article said? That's not your problem.
32:59
Speaker 1: Let him go do his thing and you move on
33:01
Speaker 1: to a happy, healthier life. But you're like a survivor.
33:05
Speaker 1: You have survived all of this. That is a superpower.
33:08
Speaker 1: That is not a negative. That is a positive. That
33:10
Speaker 1: means you are resilient. That means you are tough, and
33:13
Speaker 1: that means you are able to probably handle anything that
33:17
Speaker 1: comes your way. And you need to write that down
33:20
Speaker 1: and read it to yourself every morning when you wake up,
33:23
Speaker 1: that you are a survivor, that you are strong, that
33:25
Speaker 1: you are resilient and that you are a badass period.
33:29
Speaker 1: That's what you need to be telling yourself and change
33:32
Speaker 1: this whole narrative around. Because you're sitting here, you're beautiful,
33:36
Speaker 1: you're healthy. Yes, you have contraptions on your body. That
33:39
Speaker 1: doesn't make you any less of a person. In my opinion,
33:41
Speaker 1: that makes you more of a person.
33:43
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's definitely an interesting story. It's a good ice
33:46
Speaker 5: breaker when I meet people.
33:48
Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely a.
33:50
Speaker 5: Lot of stories to tell.
33:52
Speaker 1: I guess well, a lot of stories to tell. But
33:54
Speaker 1: think about how you're telling those stories too. You know,
33:57
Speaker 1: you don't want to be a victim. You want to
33:59
Speaker 1: be like a survivor. You want to be somebody who
34:02
Speaker 1: has experienced the biggest lows or the you know, the
34:05
Speaker 1: worst lows that a person can feel physically, emotionally, all
34:09
Speaker 1: of the things that you've experienced. And you're still sitting
34:11
Speaker 1: here and you're vibrant, and you're youthful, and you have
34:14
Speaker 1: your whole life ahead of you. So you have your
34:16
Speaker 1: whole life to change this narrative, and it's going to
34:19
Speaker 1: be much more bountiful for you if you change it
34:21
Speaker 1: right now. Jay, what do you think?
34:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, Libby, I so agree with Chelsea when we were
34:27
Speaker 3: reading your submission just now, I was like, Libby's funny,
34:32
Speaker 3: she's clever, she's witty, she's smart, I mean, And that
34:36
Speaker 3: was just your description of what you've experienced. And now
34:40
Speaker 3: getting to meet you, really, what you've been through makes
34:45
Speaker 3: you stronger than pretty much anyone I know. And I
34:48
Speaker 3: actually think that that's what relationships really need. Is strength,
34:52
Speaker 3: is power, is empathy, is compassion. You must have the
34:56
Speaker 3: amount you've been through, you must have so much grit
35:01
Speaker 3: of compared to anyone I know, And that to me
35:04
Speaker 3: makes you incredible, like an incredible, incredible person to me.
35:09
Speaker 3: And here's the reality about dating. Dating's tough for everyone,
35:14
Speaker 3: and it's the worst, and it's challenging and everything else. Right,
35:16
Speaker 3: we know that we've heard that, everyone talks about it.
35:20
Speaker 3: But what's beautiful about love and what we often forget
35:24
Speaker 3: is we think that we say like things like, oh,
35:27
Speaker 3: I don't think I'm going to find someone. Well, the
35:29
Speaker 3: truth is love is rare. Real love is rare. If
35:32
Speaker 3: it wasn't rare, a would we want it? And B
35:36
Speaker 3: if we could be with anyone, then why would this
35:38
Speaker 3: person be special? The fact that love is rare means
35:41
Speaker 3: You're going to find someone who sees all of this
35:45
Speaker 3: and has the reaction that me and Chelsea have where
35:47
Speaker 3: they go Libby, you are the strongest person I know,
35:51
Speaker 3: Like I am in awe of you and I admire
35:54
Speaker 3: you deeply. That's the reaction you want. And by the way,
35:58
Speaker 3: that's not going to be an easy process. But that
36:00
Speaker 3: person does exist. That person does exist. There is someone
36:03
Speaker 3: out there who may have been through their own stuff,
36:06
Speaker 3: whether it be emotionally or physically. There's someone out there
36:09
Speaker 3: who's been through their own challenges, and there's someone out
36:11
Speaker 3: there who sees you for your truth. Now, when you
36:14
Speaker 3: decide to share the stories, which stories you decide to
36:17
Speaker 3: share is totally up to you. Never feel pressured, never
36:21
Speaker 3: feel stressed. The pacing has to be at your own time.
36:24
Speaker 3: It has to be when you feel comfortable. But the
36:27
Speaker 3: reality is that these stories will keep the right person close.
36:33
Speaker 3: And that's what I say to anyone who has any
36:36
Speaker 3: challenge like yours. Is something that you've been through that's
36:38
Speaker 3: really difficult, even someone who has a particular anxiety about something.
36:43
Speaker 3: The truth is that just disconnects the wrong people. It
36:46
Speaker 3: just you know, it attracts the right people, and it
36:48
Speaker 3: distracts the wrong people. And that's how I look at it,
36:51
Speaker 3: where it's like you're just trying to attract the rare
36:54
Speaker 3: love that has the ability to understand, be in or
36:58
Speaker 3: be loving and compassionate and recognize what you've been through.
37:01
Speaker 3: And you know, I was inspired hearing your story. I'm
37:04
Speaker 3: amazed that you're sitting here smiling and laughing with us
37:07
Speaker 3: and telling jokes in your submission, and to me, that's spectacular.
37:11
Speaker 3: So honestly, you've inspired me today, and I think you're
37:14
Speaker 3: going to inspire a lot of people. And I really,
37:16
Speaker 3: really truly am rooting for you. Thank you.
37:18
Speaker 5: Yeah, I definitely it's a vetting process for sure. I
37:21
Speaker 5: have a lot of really really good friends who you know,
37:24
Speaker 5: it's funny because I'm very open with them, and I
37:26
Speaker 5: work in healthcare. I tell my disability story all the time.
37:30
Speaker 5: It's interesting too because it's an invisible disability, like unless
37:32
Speaker 5: I'm naked, basically you can't see anything different about me.
37:35
Speaker 5: So there's always kind of this this shock factor when
37:38
Speaker 5: I reveal it because it's not obvious. So I'm very
37:42
Speaker 5: very open about it in my professional life because it's
37:45
Speaker 5: you know, I'm an advocate and with my friends very
37:47
Speaker 5: open about it, and you know people have fallen to
37:50
Speaker 5: the wayside and the way that you're describing, even just platonically,
37:54
Speaker 5: people over jerks about whatever surgery I had or whatever
37:58
Speaker 5: this thing that went on, or people just not showing
38:00
Speaker 5: up for me, you know, right, Like this surgery that
38:03
Speaker 5: I had in December was again a weird one, a
38:06
Speaker 5: very interesting one using mouth tissue in a vaginal reconstruction.
38:10
Speaker 5: And you know, it was funny with my friends. I
38:12
Speaker 5: was excited to tell them in a sense because isn't
38:13
Speaker 5: that fucking sick? Is that weird that they can do that?
38:16
Speaker 5: And I can be open about it with them. But
38:18
Speaker 5: it's hard that somebody you want to be sexual with,
38:21
Speaker 5: you know, because you're like this is this is weird.
38:24
Speaker 5: You know you're going to see this up close and personal.
38:26
Speaker 5: It doesn't look different. I had a gynecology appointment the
38:28
Speaker 5: other day, got pop reviews. Looks amazing. But you know,
38:31
Speaker 5: it's just hard. It's hard.
38:33
Speaker 1: It's also something that you don't have to share until
38:35
Speaker 1: you want to share, you know what I mean. It's
38:37
Speaker 1: not like you have to It's not like a resume
38:39
Speaker 1: where you have to be like this is everything that
38:40
Speaker 1: I've been through and now, okay, do you want to
38:42
Speaker 1: have sex with me? Or do you want to date me? Like,
38:44
Speaker 1: it's not like that. You as you learn and you
38:47
Speaker 1: grow with someone and you start to trust them, then
38:49
Speaker 1: you are able to tell them and only when you
38:52
Speaker 1: feel like it. It's not you know, obviously, there are certain
38:54
Speaker 1: things on your body that you're going to want to
38:56
Speaker 1: like identify because of your letter that you have to address.
38:59
Speaker 1: But like what you just mentioned and your vaginal reconstruction
39:03
Speaker 1: with your like, who cares. Nobody's gonna know about that anyway.
39:06
Speaker 1: I mean, it's a good story, so save it for
39:08
Speaker 1: somebody who deserves to hear it. And also you have
39:11
Speaker 1: a huge advantage also that you're not you don't know
39:13
Speaker 1: if you want children, you don't know if you want
39:14
Speaker 1: a husband, so the pressure also isn't there in that sense.
39:17
Speaker 1: So you have like all of these great things going.
39:20
Speaker 1: So please write those first things down that I mentioned
39:23
Speaker 1: to you as a reminder every single morning when you
39:25
Speaker 1: get up, what you've survived. How strong you are.
39:29
Speaker 2: I want to recognize too. You know some of these
39:31
Speaker 2: like joking terms that you use, like the jack in
39:33
Speaker 2: the box body and that sort of thing, like that
39:35
Speaker 2: is hard one for you, I know, because you've been
39:38
Speaker 2: through so much so in order to have like lightness
39:41
Speaker 2: and levity around this, that probably is something you had
39:44
Speaker 2: to like cultivate and like it's it's a life saver
39:47
Speaker 2: for you. But I also want for you to be
39:49
Speaker 2: able to rename some of the tougher stuff and be
39:52
Speaker 2: able to like send some gratitude and kindness to your body,
39:55
Speaker 2: even if that's just like doing a breathing exercise. I'm
39:58
Speaker 2: sure Jay can give us one. But putting your hand
40:00
Speaker 2: on your heart and thanking your body every day, even
40:03
Speaker 2: if it's just for a couple seconds, like really recognizing that,
40:07
Speaker 2: like your your body is doing wonderful things for you,
40:10
Speaker 2: even though it's you know, it might feel like a
40:12
Speaker 2: betrayal at times. I'm sure it does. But you know,
40:16
Speaker 2: some of the tougher stuff, maybe renaming that with something
40:18
Speaker 2: that feels kinder to your body, that's beautiful.
40:23
Speaker 5: I'm really grateful some days because I do feel more
40:26
Speaker 5: in touch with my body than other people. And even
40:28
Speaker 5: you know, I'm still very young, but even as my
40:30
Speaker 5: friends get older, they come to me when there's weird
40:33
Speaker 5: things happening in their body and and they know that
40:36
Speaker 5: I have kind of greater awareness of. Yeah, I've just
40:40
Speaker 5: had to listen to my body, but now I mean
40:43
Speaker 5: thanking it. I yes, you know, that's it in a
40:46
Speaker 5: different way.
40:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Okay, I love it. I love it. Thank
40:49
Speaker 1: you so much for.
40:49
Speaker 5: Calling me today. Yeah, thank you so much. This is
40:54
Speaker 5: really sweet, very cool.
40:56
Speaker 1: Great, Okay, we're going to take a break and we're
40:59
Speaker 1: going to come back and up with We'll take one
41:01
Speaker 1: more caller and we'll wrap up with Jay Shetty. Please
41:04
Speaker 1: tag me for the special because I get so many
41:06
Speaker 1: tags about my books, but I'm not getting as many
41:08
Speaker 1: about my special, and my special is the newest thing out,
41:10
Speaker 1: so I want to make sure all my ardent fans
41:12
Speaker 1: are watching it and tagging me, and I'll repost you.
41:15
Speaker 1: And yes, it's called the Feeling. And we're back with
41:22
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty, who's going on tour you guys, you can
41:25
Speaker 1: see him live or is it Jayshetty dot com where
41:27
Speaker 1: people can get.
41:28
Speaker 3: Tickets Jayshetty mean Forward slash.
41:30
Speaker 1: Tour, Jayshetty dot me Forward slash tour Jshetty dot me
41:36
Speaker 1: Forward slash Tour. Okay, great, Okay, Catherine, what do we
41:39
Speaker 1: have for our last caller.
41:40
Speaker 2: All right, our last caller is James, he says, Dear Chelsea,
41:45
Speaker 2: I'm a thirty three year old gay man, and I'm
41:47
Speaker 2: the youngest of four. I have two sisters and a brother.
41:51
Speaker 2: My sisters have kids ranging from three to ten years old,
41:54
Speaker 2: six total between the two of them. For all of
41:56
Speaker 2: our lives, it Wo've been severely emotionally abused by my
41:58
Speaker 2: narcissist dad, who also doesn't acknowledge that I'm gay because
42:01
Speaker 2: he's so conservative. He recently had one of his explosions,
42:05
Speaker 2: this time in front of the grandkids. My whole family
42:08
Speaker 2: was crying and emotional, but I was sitting there stoic.
42:11
Speaker 2: I accepted a long time ago there's no point in
42:13
Speaker 2: trying to tame a monster. My family always seems to
42:17
Speaker 2: let him back in after some time has passed, and
42:19
Speaker 2: I'm getting to my breaking point with what I should
42:21
Speaker 2: do if we all continue to allow this behavior. My
42:24
Speaker 2: mom recently made an appointment with a divorce attorney, but
42:26
Speaker 2: I'm skeptical of the follow through. I've been a vocal
42:29
Speaker 2: advocate for separation, and I love my mom more than anything,
42:32
Speaker 2: so I don't see a scenario where I can leave
42:34
Speaker 2: her behind. Yet it seems clear that we all need
42:36
Speaker 2: to leave him behind. How do I navigate this if
42:39
Speaker 2: not everyone is on board? Sincerely, James, Hi, cutie, how
42:44
Speaker 2: are you good?
42:45
Speaker 5: How are you good?
42:47
Speaker 1: Your cute little dog is there? This is Jay Shtty,
42:49
Speaker 1: our special guest today.
42:51
Speaker 6: Oh Hi, this is the coolest therapy session I've ever had.
42:55
Speaker 3: Hey, James, it's so nice to meet here, you too,
42:57
Speaker 3: Thank you?
42:58
Speaker 1: Okay, Jay, I'm gonna let you stick. What are your
43:01
Speaker 1: thoughts initially?
43:02
Speaker 3: Well, James, first of all, I'm sorry you're having to
43:04
Speaker 3: go through that, because it's the worst when you're in
43:06
Speaker 3: a family setup where you're not accepted, you're not seen
43:10
Speaker 3: for who you are, especially you know, by your father.
43:13
Speaker 3: And of course it's really really challenging when I find
43:16
Speaker 3: that everyone else is able to look beyond someone's flaws
43:20
Speaker 3: because it may not affect them directly, or it does,
43:22
Speaker 3: but not as deeply as it's affecting you. I think
43:26
Speaker 3: the really big challenge here. Having worked with many people
43:29
Speaker 3: in similar setups, even been through similar things on my
43:31
Speaker 3: own for myself, I've found that it's really really tough
43:37
Speaker 3: to push someone in a certain direction, or to want
43:41
Speaker 3: other people to make decisions that then benefit us better.
43:45
Speaker 3: So I'm sure, and I agree with you. I'm sure
43:48
Speaker 3: you'd want everyone around you to treat your dad in
43:50
Speaker 3: a particular way so that it would be better for you,
43:53
Speaker 3: And I get why, I understand it. The challenge is
43:57
Speaker 3: all of those people are not going to change completely,
44:00
Speaker 3: and even if they change, they're not going to change sustainably.
44:03
Speaker 3: They're not going to be consistent. As you said, They'll
44:05
Speaker 3: push them out, let him back in, push them out,
44:07
Speaker 3: let him back in. And so if I was you,
44:09
Speaker 3: i'd really really be focused on what you can control
44:13
Speaker 3: and what you can solve for yourself that allows to
44:16
Speaker 3: be allows you to be around people who are empowering
44:18
Speaker 3: of you, encouraging of you, supportive of you, that are
44:21
Speaker 3: not draining you, that are not, you know, denouncing who
44:24
Speaker 3: you are, that are not taking away parts of your identity.
44:27
Speaker 3: But I don't think wanting and wishing and waiting for
44:31
Speaker 3: all of them to change and see what's happening is
44:34
Speaker 3: going to do the job. And I think you could
44:36
Speaker 3: waste a lot of your time and energy trying to
44:38
Speaker 3: convince them to get them there, and you're just going
44:41
Speaker 3: to be exhausted by it. And I'd rather you use
44:44
Speaker 3: all of that energy not to be exhausted, but to
44:47
Speaker 3: be engaged in things you love, to move forward with
44:49
Speaker 3: your life, to build a beautiful life, because I think
44:52
Speaker 3: a lot of us waste a lot of time trying
44:55
Speaker 3: to fix something, then we do trying to move forward.
44:58
Speaker 3: And when you're trying to fix something, especially when you're
44:59
Speaker 3: trying to fix people and their responses and their behaviors
45:03
Speaker 3: and their loyalties and their affinities, you will literally waste
45:07
Speaker 3: years of your life. And I don't want to see
45:08
Speaker 3: you waste years of your life because it seems like
45:11
Speaker 3: you want to have a good life and build a
45:12
Speaker 3: good one and build a great one. And I can
45:14
Speaker 3: see that from your face right now, and I'd rather
45:17
Speaker 3: you be focusing all your energy on that because that
45:20
Speaker 3: will leave you in a place where you'll be able
45:22
Speaker 3: to feel fulfilled have the life that you desire. And now,
45:26
Speaker 3: whether everyone here gets you, understands you or not, it
45:28
Speaker 3: really doesn't matter. It really truly doesn't matter. So that's
45:31
Speaker 3: where i'd like to start.
45:33
Speaker 1: What do you think about that, James?
45:35
Speaker 6: That's kind of where it's like gone since I wrote
45:38
Speaker 6: in boundaries have been set and it's really it's just
45:42
Speaker 6: really hard because I'm like, I'm just disappointed in my
45:44
Speaker 6: sister specifically because I'm like, we up all had the
45:48
Speaker 6: same shared experience with my dad, and like, why aren't
45:50
Speaker 6: we all rallying around my mom like we should be,
45:53
Speaker 6: but they're not because of the grandkids and stuff. And
45:58
Speaker 6: so I'm just you know, I've started invest more of
46:00
Speaker 6: my time and like my neighbors and friends and stuff
46:02
Speaker 6: that support me for all these things, and my mom,
46:06
Speaker 6: like I've just been inviting her to more things. I'm
46:09
Speaker 6: trying to just invest a lot of my time and
46:11
Speaker 6: can we just start doing things me and you?
46:14
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, I think that's great, And I think
46:16
Speaker 1: that's great. There's no reason that you need to have
46:18
Speaker 1: any further exposure to your father, and you can't control
46:21
Speaker 1: what anyone else in your family's going to do, but
46:23
Speaker 1: you can set an example by extricating yourself from the situation.
46:27
Speaker 1: You know, you love your mom, You could spend time
46:28
Speaker 1: with your mom. That doesn't mean you have to spend
46:30
Speaker 1: time with your father. It doesn't mean you have to
46:32
Speaker 1: have exposure to his abusive behavior, his outbursts, any of that. Like,
46:36
Speaker 1: you taking care of yourself is setting the best example.
46:39
Speaker 1: That you can set for your family, because you don't
46:41
Speaker 1: change people by asking them to change, you actually change
46:44
Speaker 1: by changing you know you, changing your behavior is going
46:46
Speaker 1: to have more of an impact on them than telling
46:49
Speaker 1: them what they can do. So it sounds like you're
46:51
Speaker 1: halfway there, and so double down on all of that
46:54
Speaker 1: love and happiness and your friends and your neighbors and
46:56
Speaker 1: spending time with your mom alone and making sure that
46:58
Speaker 1: you show up for and it's not your fault to
47:01
Speaker 1: actually usher in their separation or divorce either. Just show
47:05
Speaker 1: up with love and compassion and be there for her.
47:07
Speaker 1: And that is the best way for you to like
47:09
Speaker 1: move through this and just really take care of yourself.
47:13
Speaker 1: Boundaries have been set. Great, that's the healthiest thing you
47:16
Speaker 1: can do. You don't have to have exposure to someone
47:18
Speaker 1: who's abusive to you.
47:20
Speaker 6: That's the hardest part because like when we have these
47:23
Speaker 6: family get togethers and stuff, I feel like I am
47:25
Speaker 6: forced to be exposed to him, and I'm like, I
47:28
Speaker 6: am exposed to him, but at the same time, like
47:30
Speaker 6: the mental boundaries are there where I'm like, I can
47:34
Speaker 6: be around you, but I just I have zero respect
47:37
Speaker 6: for you. I don't like you at all, Like I
47:38
Speaker 6: wish you would go away because we get together like
47:40
Speaker 6: every week, so it's it's hard constantly exposed.
47:45
Speaker 1: But do you have to go and expose yourself? Like
47:48
Speaker 1: can't you skip those and spend separate time with your
47:51
Speaker 1: family where your dad's not there.
47:53
Speaker 6: I would love to, like that's kind of where I
47:55
Speaker 6: would like to be, but I feel like the family
47:59
Speaker 6: dynamic of it, especially with my sisters and stuff. They
48:01
Speaker 6: would start kind of hounding me, like you don't want
48:04
Speaker 6: to be part of our kids' lives, like why are
48:06
Speaker 6: you skipping this and that? But I mean, I.
48:09
Speaker 1: But no, that's not fair, that's not fair. They can't
48:11
Speaker 1: expect you to show up in a situation that doesn't
48:14
Speaker 1: make you feel good. You can foster a relationship with
48:17
Speaker 1: all of these kids without your dad. You can go
48:19
Speaker 1: over there when he's not there, so you can do
48:22
Speaker 1: all of those things, and I would encourage you to
48:24
Speaker 1: do so, just say, I actually am setting a boundary
48:26
Speaker 1: for my mental health. I'm happy to see your kids.
48:28
Speaker 1: I want to see your kids, but not with our
48:30
Speaker 1: dad there. I'll do my own thing with them. I'll
48:32
Speaker 1: make my own plans.
48:32
Speaker 3: Certainly exactly, And I think setting that intention and making
48:36
Speaker 3: it aware that actually, I love you know, I love
48:39
Speaker 3: the kids. I want to spend time with my niece
48:40
Speaker 3: and nephews. I'm going to make memories with them. We're
48:43
Speaker 3: going to set experiences with them, Like I think, you
48:45
Speaker 3: can be incredible in that area. And actually being in
48:48
Speaker 3: that group dynamic is probably stopping you from being your
48:51
Speaker 3: whole self with them, and so they're probably not even
48:54
Speaker 3: getting the best version of you. They're not getting the
48:57
Speaker 3: most loving, most beautiful, abundant version of you because you
48:59
Speaker 3: don't get to show that there because you're too busy
49:02
Speaker 3: having to keep your walls up and your guards up
49:04
Speaker 3: and of course protect yourself. And so I really think
49:07
Speaker 3: that it's also explaining to them that, hey, actually this
49:10
Speaker 3: is going to be better for everyone because I get
49:12
Speaker 3: to be my whole self when I'm with you all.
49:14
Speaker 3: I don't get to be my whole self there, and
49:16
Speaker 3: I want more spaces. I can be my whole self
49:18
Speaker 3: with my niece and my nephew, with you know, with
49:20
Speaker 3: your sisters, with your mom, as you said, and that's
49:23
Speaker 3: just going to bring so much more light and joy,
49:25
Speaker 3: and actually they're going to see it. And the truth is, James,
49:28
Speaker 3: this is probably going to remind them of the courage
49:31
Speaker 3: that they know they don't have, because chances are they
49:34
Speaker 3: feel the same way. Chances are they'd love to set
49:36
Speaker 3: the same boundaries. But it's really hard to do what
49:39
Speaker 3: you're doing. And so if anything, as time goes on,
49:42
Speaker 3: I wouldn't be surprised if someone said to you privately, James,
49:45
Speaker 3: well done for doing that. I've been wanting to do
49:47
Speaker 3: that my whole life. You know, it's off. And that
49:49
Speaker 3: goes back to what Chelsea was saying, is that when
49:51
Speaker 3: you're setting the example and doing it not with bitterness,
49:55
Speaker 3: not with this like you know, anger, but you're doing
49:58
Speaker 3: it to say, I'm going to be my whole self.
50:00
Speaker 3: I want to be my best self, right, I don't
50:02
Speaker 3: want to be my bitter self. And that's going to
50:03
Speaker 3: create so much more joy and love in your family
50:06
Speaker 3: than they're even used to, and so that will be
50:09
Speaker 3: a really, really beautiful experience for everyone.
50:11
Speaker 1: Thank you.
50:12
Speaker 6: That's where again, I want to get to and I
50:16
Speaker 6: feel like I'm on the way there, but it's just
50:17
Speaker 6: hard with seeing them every single week.
50:20
Speaker 1: Yeah no, no, that's too much. It's too much. You're
50:22
Speaker 1: not too many anymore. Just take little steps in the
50:24
Speaker 1: right direction of everything that we've said, and you're going
50:27
Speaker 1: to be in a better healthy space and you're going
50:29
Speaker 1: to actually be more emotionally available for your family and
50:32
Speaker 1: friends once you have less exposure to your father. So okay, well,
50:36
Speaker 1: will you touch base with us in a couple of
50:38
Speaker 1: months and let us know how everything's going.
50:40
Speaker 6: Yes, thank you?
50:41
Speaker 1: Okay, cutie, this was so great.
50:42
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.
50:43
Speaker 1: You're so welcome. Thanks for calling in Bie. Okay, Jay,
50:47
Speaker 1: we have to get you out of here now. Everyone
50:49
Speaker 1: can go see Jay on tour. It's his on Purpose tour.
50:52
Speaker 1: You can listen to his On Purpose podcast, which is
50:54
Speaker 1: an award winning podcast. He has a best selling book.
50:57
Speaker 1: I mean, he's everywhere. You can follow him on instag,
51:00
Speaker 1: Graham at j Shenny and if you want tickets, it's
51:02
Speaker 1: jashddy dot com Forward slash Tour righta met.
51:12
Speaker 3: Sell it to me Ja Shetty won't sell me the
51:14
Speaker 3: dot com whoever?
51:15
Speaker 1: I know I had that problem once too, but I
51:18
Speaker 1: got my name back the Sorry.
51:22
Speaker 3: Sorry, I know, I'm trying. I'm trying.
51:25
Speaker 1: Okay, have a great day. Jay was so wonderful to see.
51:28
Speaker 3: Enjoy the rest of your time skiing, and I hope
51:29
Speaker 3: I get to see you soon in best and this
51:31
Speaker 3: is so much fun. Thanks for having me, You're the best.
51:33
Speaker 1: Bye bye, Thank you you guys, thank you.
51:35
Speaker 3: So much, so much fun.
51:38
Speaker 1: Do do do do do do, drum roll, Catherine please
51:43
Speaker 1: and abroad broad is my European tour. So I'm coming
51:47
Speaker 1: to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get
51:52
Speaker 1: the health out of this fucking country. And it's not
51:55
Speaker 1: as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm,
51:58
Speaker 1: to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never
52:05
Speaker 1: ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming
52:11
Speaker 1: abroad is abroad.
52:13
Speaker 2: That sounds like fun.
52:14
Speaker 1: I'm going to go see you abroad. I know I
52:16
Speaker 1: want to go see me abroad and there all be there,
52:19
Speaker 1: all be excellent.
52:21
Speaker 2: Okay.
52:21
Speaker 1: My remaining dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for
52:24
Speaker 1: this year. Summertime is coming and I will be in
52:30
Speaker 1: Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.
52:35
Speaker 1: We will be the next date that I'm there, July fifth,
52:37
Speaker 1: August thirtieth, and then November one and twenty ninth, November
52:42
Speaker 1: first and November twenty ninth, I will be in Las
52:46
Speaker 1: Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea.
52:50
Speaker 1: It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,
52:53
Speaker 1: thank you.
52:55
Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea
52:57
Speaker 2: Podcast at gmail dot com. In full video episodes of
53:01
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.
53:05
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive
53:08
Speaker 2: producer Katherine law And be sure to check out our
53:11
Speaker 2: merch at Chelseahandler dot com.