Latest / Beautifully Complex / 328: Behavior Is a Signal: How to Decode What It’s Telling You, with Penny Williams

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328: Behavior Is a Signal: How to Decode What It’s Telling You, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I've disregulated. My nervous system has sounded the alarm, and
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: my nervous system has sent my body into action to
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: protect me and for me in this moment that looks
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: like hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, But the truth
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: is the signal underneath that is I don't feel safe.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to protect myself. Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams, and I know
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be. Let's
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: complex kids together. Oh and if you want more support,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: join our free community at hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Have you ever looked at your child mid meltdown and thought,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: what on earth is going on here? You're not alone.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: I've had those moments, and I think every parent that
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I've worked with has had that moment too, sometimes multiple
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: times a day. But here's the thing that most of
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: us weren't taught to believe. Your child's behavior is actually
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: talking to you. Sometimes it talks really loudly. Sometimes it's
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: silent or whispers, but it's always talking to you. The
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: real question is do we know how to listen. If
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: you joined me for the last episode on animal instincts,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: you'll remember that we talked about those nervous system states,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: the owl who has regulated, the porcupine who has dysregulated
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: in fight, the cheetah who's disregulated in flea or flight,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: and the possum who is disregulated in shut down. And
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: we talked about how each one shows up in your
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: child's behavior as stress responses. But today I want to
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: pick up right where we left off because once you
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: can spot the state, the next step is learning how
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: to decode that state, decode the signal, and that's what
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: this episode is all about. So let's start with the
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: biggest shift. Behavior isn't random, It isn't manipulative, It isn't oppositional,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: it isn't defiant, it isn't disrespectful, and it definitely isn't bad.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I've said it there. It is. That is the honest truth.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: It may feel like those things, but it isn't defined
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: as those things. In the last episode, I described how
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: those animal instincts are hardwired nervous system reactions. They're not choices,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: their survival patterns. It's about the way our bodies are
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: wired for survival. And that's exactly why behavior can't just
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: be chalked up to willpower or to a bad attitude.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: When your kid flips into fight, flight or freeze, whether
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: they look like that prickly porcupine, whether they're running off
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: like that cheetah, or maybe they're tucked away like a possum,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: that is biology. It is not misbehavior. Their nervous system
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: is sending a loud, flashing signal to you. I don't
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: feel safe. Something is too much for me right now.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I need your help. I want you to think about this.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Kids don't wake up in the morning thinking how can
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I ruin my parents' day today? They just don't. They
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: wake up like we do. They're hoping things are going
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: to go well. They're wanting to be loved, and they're
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: often very overwhelmed by things that they can't control. If
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: we can hold on to that reframe that behavior is
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: a signal, then we can start to meet our kids
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: where they really are. We can meet them where they
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: actually are. Now, let's talk about how easy it is
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: to misinterpret these signals. I'll give you a few examples.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about defiance. When your child refuses to do
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: what you've asked, it can feel like disrespect, but often
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: defiance is a signal of overwhelm or a lack of safety.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: And what is a lack of safety, It is disregulation.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Their nervous system is saying to you, this feels like
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: too much. I need more support before I can move forward.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Think about defining how things feel in a different way.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Instead of saying my kid refused to do this thing,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: and so they're disrespecting me, say my kid is struggling
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: with this right now, and it's coming out in ways
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: that don't feel good to me because their nervous system
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: is sounding the alarm. If we think about laziness, maybe
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: your child avoids homework or chores and it looks like
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: they just don't care. But what if that laziness is
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: actually an executive function struggle. Maybe the steps feel like
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: a mountain and they have no idea where to start.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: So that signal is actually saying to you, I need scaffolding,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: help me break this down. I need your help with something.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: If we think about aggression, hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: these are really classic fight state behaviors. I'm disregulated. My
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: nervous system has sounded the alarm, and my nervous system
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: has sent my body into action to protect me and
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: for me in this moment, that looks like hitting, yelling,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: throwing things, breaking things. But the truth is the signal
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: underneath that is I don't feel safe. I'm trying to
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: protect myself. It is self preservation, it is trying to
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: stay alive. Honestly, that's the way our biology was created
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: to keep us alive. Our autonomic nervous system's number one
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: job is to keep us alive, and so it is
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: going to do whatever it feels it needs to do
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: in order to do that. And sometimes those things look
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: like defiance, aggression, laziness, misbehavior, disrespect, opposition, right, but we
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: have to change the narrative around that and reframe the behaviors.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: my back to School Prep Week, where I set neurodivergent
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: kids and their families up for success right when the
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: school year starts. There's another podcast that will help you
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: navigate the rest of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap,
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: and it's all about special education. Let's be real, all
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: those acronyms alone IEP five oh four, FBA, BP can
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: be overwhelming. All you want is for your kid to
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: have the opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from special educators,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: child psychology and other learning experts who know their stuff
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listened to Opportunity
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Gap and I was blown away. Julian Savadra and his
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: guests break it down in simple terms, highlight where to
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: focus your energy, and give you simple steps to advocate efficiently.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: So if you've ever walked out of a school meeting
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: wondering what just happened, go search for Opportunity Gap in
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: your podcast app. That's Opportunity Gap. Let's talk about a
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: few quick examples. My own kid struggled with school refusal
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: for eight very long years. He dug in, he screamed,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: He refused to get in the car at home sometimes,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: or he refused to get out of the car at
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: school sometimes. One day he even tried to open the
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: door and get out of the moving car in the
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: middle of a five lane intersection because we were about
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: to reach school. On the surface, it really looked like
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: a whole lot of defiance, like a whole lot of
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: I don't want to go to school, so I'm not
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: going to go to school. You can't make me right.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: That's what it felt like. That's what it looked like.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: But underneath there was a body, and that body was screaming,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: school feels unsafe. Sometimes it was bullying, Sometimes it was
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: other social struggles. Sometimes it was sensory overload. Sometimes it
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: was anxiety. But there was always a reason underneath it.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Often it was because no one understood how hard he
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: was trying. That was it. He just wanted to be seen,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: heard and understood. If you have more than one kid,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: you might have some sibling fights. You might have two
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: kids who are yelling, pushing, grabbing toys. What does that
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: look like? On the surface, it looks like meanness, looks
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: like selfishness, looks like a kid who's bossy. But underneath,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: the signal is saying to you, I feel out of
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: control and I don't know how to get my needs met.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to get my needs met. That
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: is something you can take and run with, right. That
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: is something that gives you information about why this thing
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: is happening and how to change that behavior. In that trajectory.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: If we think about the example of homework battles, there's
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: often yelling, shouting, tears, refusal. My kid would wad up
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: and throw away his homework papers because worksheets were just
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: too much. On the surface, it felt like it was laziness,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: It felt like disrespect. It might feel like a whole
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: lot of different things. You can interpret that and tell
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: yourself a lot of different stories about that behavior. But
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: underneath is executive function struggles, anxiety, maybe even shame from
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: repeated failure. It could be a learning disability getting in
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: the way. There's so many reasons why homework can be
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: a struggle for kids and why they might lash out
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: because of that struggle. But again, it's because of that
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: struggle underneath. It isn't just because they want to give
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: you a hard time. They want to make your life miserable.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: They don't care about school, they don't care about their grades.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: None of that is true. Kids do well if they can.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: When they don't do well, it is on us to
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: figure out what the need is. That is our job
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: as a parent, that is our job as a caregiver.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: It's our job, if we're the educator, to figure out
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: what the need is what is this signal that this
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: behavior is sending me? And how can I help? When
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: you start to see these patterns of what lies underneath,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: then you're able to realize that the behavior isn't actually
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: the problem, it is simply the signal. So how do
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: we shift? How do we begin to respond differently? Instead
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: of asking how do I stop this behavior? How do
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I control this kid? I want you to try asking
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: what is the behavior telling me about what my kid
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: needs right now? Or what is this behavior telling me
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: about what my student needs right now? That one shift
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: in your mindset is going to change everything. It moves
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: us from control trying to control that situation of that behavior,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: to curiosity, from punishment to problems solving, from firefighting to prevention.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: We're shifting from being reactive to proactive. Who doesn't want that?
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: That's what we all want. And the really beautiful part
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: of this is that your child feels the difference. They
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: will feel the difference and they will feel seen, they
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: will feel understood, and that changes how our nervous system feels.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: It makes things more doable. It makes logic potentially doable.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: It makes processing what your parent is saying to you
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: potentially doable. It builds the trust that makes real change possible.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: So here's what I want you to take with you today,
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: to take with you after you finished listening. Every meltdown,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: every shutdown, every outburst has a message. When you stop
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: seeing behavior as something to fix, and you start seeing
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: it as something to listen to, to tune into, to decode,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: you're going to unlock a whole new way of parenting.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I promise you your family will exhale and things will be different.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: It will take time to make these shifts. It will
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: take time for your kid to even trust these shifts.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: If you're in a pattern of lecturing when things go wrong,
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: reactivity when things go wrong, with punishing or consequences, it's
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: going to take a while for your kid to even
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: be able to trust that this shift is genuine. But
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: it is going to change everything. Of course, once you
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: start decoding the signals, the real question then becomes, Okay, now,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: how do I respond in ways that are going to
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: support regulation instead of adding fuel to the fire. We
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: don't want to co escalate with our kids. We want
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: to coregulate. We want to offer them that steady anchor
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: to attune to. This is exactly what The upcoming Behavior
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: SOS Summit is all about four days October tenth through thirteenth,
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: twenty six experts are going to give you the tools,
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: script strategies to respond to what your child's behavior is signaling.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: They're going to help you learn to decode the signals
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: and then give you the tools to do what comes
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: next so that change can happen with challenging behavior. It's
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: completely free to join us October tenth through thirteenth, but
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: if you want lifetime access plus extra coaching and implementation
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: lab you can grab an all access pass. That's completely
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: up to you, but you can just pate one hundred
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: percent free. Head to Parenting Adhdanautism dot com slash summit
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: to save your spot. So between now and when the
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: summit happens, what can you do work on this mindset shift?
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Behavior isn't the problem? Behavior is a signal? What is
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: the signal trying to tell me? What is my kid
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: having a hard time with? What help do they need
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: from me? You can find the show notes for this
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: episode at parentingadhdanautsism dot com slash three to eight. For
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: episode three hundred and twenty eight, I will have the
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: summit registration linked up there as well, and I really
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: hope to see you in the summit, but I will
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: definitely see you next time on Beautifully Complex, Take good Care,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: and leave a quick review so others can find this
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: more info at regulated kids dot com.