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Mom’s Home! Welcome to 24/7 Caregiving · The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Wicked Daughter Caring for my aging parent one meltdown at a time.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Season two A new chapter And Mom is home after three months in hospitals and rehab facilities, Mom is finally home.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, not her home.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's a house my husband and I are renting for the three of us to live in while Mom recovers.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Dave and I moved in with the dogs four days ago, and now Mom is here too.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: We did it.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: We got her home.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had spent weeks finding a house, getting it ready, moving our belongings, setting up her bedroom and bathroom, and making sure we had everything she'd need.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And now it was time to settle in.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Mom needed to get comfortable, learn her way around the house, and get some rest.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Her, not me.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because while Mom was settling in, I was running around like a chicken without a head.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to season two.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing I needed to do was to get organized.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Before we left rehab, they gave me a list of mom's current medications.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now some of those medications were already sitting in bottles at home.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Mom had been on automatic refills, so while she was in the hospital in rehab, prescriptions kept arriving.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I had actually called the pharmacy three times to get those automatic refills stopped.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Three times.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, stopping an automatic refill is considerably more difficult than starting one.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: But there were also a few new medications, and rehab had only given us a 30-day prescription.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I needed to get those filled locally and then make follow-up appointments with her doctors to get the prescriptions renewed.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: First up, her internist and cardiologist.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then there was occupational therapy, physical therapy, and the wound care nurse all coming to the house.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I had honestly thought it would be nice not having to run back and forth to rehab every day, and it was nice not to have to make those trips.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I'd traded rehab visits for pharmacy runs, doctor's appointments, phone calls, and an exorbitant amount of time trying to keep everything organized.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: All while taking care of mom at home.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, the phone was going to become my new best friend.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was the matter of getting mom around the house.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: At rehab, mom had been using the wheelchair to get around, but she used the walker during physical and occupational therapy.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: When we saw the orthopedist the week before she went home, he gave her permission to use the walker around the house, as long as she felt up to it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: That was great news.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Mom was familiar with a walker and had used one before her accident.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: The problem wasn't getting her used to it.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: The problem was getting her to slow down and be a little more careful.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Her balance still isn't great, and she seems to have a habit of getting a little too close to things.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: The baseboards and door frames are taking a beating.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I found myself following her around the house, keeping an eye on her, and reminding her to slow down and watch where she was going.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: She thinks I'm hovering.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm trying to prevent a collision between mom and the house.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a tricky thing when you're caring for someone who is fiercely independent.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You want them to do as much as they can for themselves.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You want them to regain their confidence and their abilities.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: But you also know what could happen if they lose their balance.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: So there I was, following mom around like some kind of personal safety inspector.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure she found that very reassuring.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: The first night was another adjustment.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Mom's bedroom is on the other side of the house, and she sometimes has trouble using her phone.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't entirely sure how she was going to get my attention if she needed me in the middle of the night.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I made sure she had her phone nearby, and then I set my alarm.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: For one AM and four AM You know, just in case.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I know.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Mom has a phone.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: She could call me, but my brain isn't quite ready to trust that arrangement.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I need to check on her.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Baby steps.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And by baby steps, I mean setting alarms in the middle of the night even though I was exhausted.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Mom actually slept pretty well.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: We only got up twice during the night to use the bathroom.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take that as a good start.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: That first week is honestly a blur.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: We had the wound care nurse coming to the house every other day to check mom's vitals and change the dressing on her foot.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Then we had occupational and physical therapy evaluations, followed by visits twice a week.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was updating mom's medication spreadsheet and trying to get all her prescriptions organized.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I noticed something.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Her cholesterol medicine wasn't on the medication list I received from rehab.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: How long had she not been taking it?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Heavens only knows.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: That went on to my list of things to discuss with her internist.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, the earliest appointment we can get was two weeks away.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Two weeks When you're coordinating care for someone who's just come home from rehab, two weeks can feel like an eternity.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: There was always another phone call to make, another appointment to schedule, another question to add to the list.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was starting to understand that managing mom's care at home meant keeping track of a lot more than I can fit on one spreadsheet.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was the shower.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: The first shower.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: That was fun.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Mom is fiercely independent, and she was already trying to banish me from the bathroom.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, Mom, but you still need help in there.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you have to use the grab bars Dave installed when you're getting up and down.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Funny thing is, she had no problem using the grab bars in rehab.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: They were perfectly acceptable there.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: But put them in her own bathroom, and suddenly they're an unnecessary inconvenience.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think the difference was that at rehab, someone else was telling her what to do.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: At home, she wanted to do things her way.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I understood that, but I was also the person trying to keep her safe.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently that meant becoming the bathroom police.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: There was also the small matter of keeping her foot dry in the shower.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: We had the wound care nurse coming every other day to check the dressing, and I needed to make sure it stayed dry when I helped mom shower.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, she still has a shower boot from an earlier time.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Neither one of us could remember why she had it, but we were very glad it was still around.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you, if you ever need to keep a foot or a dressing dry in the shower, that boot is a very worthwhile investment.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So much better than a plastic bag and tape.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Plastic bag and tape sounds like a perfectly reasonable solution until you're trying to keep water out while helping another person shower.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then it becomes a full engineering project.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: There I was.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to help mom shower.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I had the shower chair, and I'm keeping her foot dry, and making sure she's using the grab bars, and somehow I'm trying to avoid getting myself soaked in the process.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And mom was trying to convince me she didn't need any help.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: We were off to a great start.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Here's something I was learning pretty quickly.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can organize a house, I can make lists, I can coordinate appointments, prescriptions, and home health visits.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I can create spreadsheets and set reminders.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't put patients on a checklist and mark it complete.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want mom to regain as much independence as possible.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: She wants to do things without someone hovering over her.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I want her to be safe.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: She wants me to stop following her.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Neither one of us was entirely wrong.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no instruction manual for figuring out how to navigate that relationship between a mother who wants her independence and a daughter who's terrified she'll fall.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: No discharge paperwork covered that.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna have to figure it out as we go.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just the medical stuff.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ninety-nine percent of the homes I looked at had Even though mom raised me, we'd each developed our own routines and habits over the years.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dave and I had our way of doing things, and mom had hers.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now we're sharing a house.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Which meant discovering that some of our perfectly reasonable habits didn't exactly agree.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like mom asking where her compression stockings were because she wanted to hand wash them.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, putting them in the dirty laundry hamper wasn't part of her plan.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's also the fact of how much stuff could one person possibly fit in a bathroom.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Mom has her own guest bathroom, and the counters and under the sink are already overflowing.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's mom's advice.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently, no matter how old you are, your mother can still find plenty of ways to help you do things her way.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: She's just trying to be helpful.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Of course she is.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to have to learn to compromise.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And judging by that first week, there's going to be some pretty entertaining negotiations along the way.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful mom is home.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: After three months of hospitals and rehab, having her here with us is exactly what we've been working toward.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: But getting mom home was one thing.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Figuring out how to live together, manage her care, and navigate all those little differences, that's going to be a whole different adventure.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a feeling the compression stockings, the bathroom clutter, and mom's determination to do everything herself are just the beginning.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you about that next week.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, take care of yourself too.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the wicked daughter, caring for my aging mom, one meltdown at a time.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Was it the pharmacy line or the rush our doctor drives?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: We're having the time of our lives.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're having the time.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: The time of our life.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Wicked daughter.