Latest / DISGRACELAND / Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love Pt. 2: Suicide Samurai

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Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love Pt. 2: Suicide Samurai · DISGRACELAND

0:00
Speaker 1: All right, guys, welcome into this week's Rewind episode of Disgraceland.
0:03
Speaker 1: We are getting into our Nirvana story this weekend, and
0:07
Speaker 1: we released these episodes originally back in March of 2019.
0:11
Speaker 1: I got to say, when they were released, I was shocked.
0:15
Speaker 1: I was legitimately shocked at the reaction, the blowback from
0:20
Speaker 1: people who really believe that Kurt Cobain did not commit suicide.
0:29
Speaker 1: It was so strong that it forced me to dig
0:32
Speaker 1: back into the research and see if I missed anything.
0:34
Speaker 1: And I came out the other side and I still
0:37
Speaker 1: believe what I believed when these were originally released and written.
0:41
Speaker 1: You know, Courtney Love, think what you might about her.
0:45
Speaker 1: I do not believe she's a killer, despite what some
0:50
Speaker 1: documentaries might say. When you look at the actual evidence,
0:53
Speaker 1: including evidence from a so-called organization, study that came out
0:57
Speaker 1: in February of 2026. It got a lot of hype,
1:01
Speaker 1: a lot of news. We looked at all of that
1:04
Speaker 1: and came to the same conclusion. Kurt Cobain was a
1:07
Speaker 1: deeply tormented artist. Courtney Love is a deeply complicated person
1:14
Speaker 1: and artist. And their story is tragic. The story of
1:19
Speaker 1: Nirvana is singular in the history of rock and roll.
1:22
Speaker 1: And these two episodes reflect those Two points. Releasing them
1:29
Speaker 1: again now for a specific reason. There's a Courtney Love
1:32
Speaker 1: documentary coming, I don't know when, in the next couple months,
1:35
Speaker 1: some point. And I think what I want to do
1:39
Speaker 1: is I want to hear from you guys and hear
1:40
Speaker 1: what you think on this story. Do you still, after
1:43
Speaker 1: listening to both of these episodes, still believe that Kurt's
1:47
Speaker 1: death was not the official cause of suicide, death by suicide,
1:53
Speaker 1: or do you believe something nefarious happened? I want to know. 617-906-6638.
1:57
Speaker 1: Voicemail and text to let me know at DisgracelandPod on
2:00
Speaker 1: the socials, DisgracelandPod at gmail.com. And based on the reaction
2:04
Speaker 1: I get from you guys, I might end up taking
2:06
Speaker 1: a deeper look into the so-called conspiracy theorists who believe
2:11
Speaker 1: that something else was at play.
2:14
Speaker 2: We'll get into that later. Here's part two of the
2:17
Speaker 2: Nirvana story. This episode contains content that may be disturbing
2:32
Speaker 2: to some listeners. Please check the show notes for more information.
2:37
Speaker 1: The story about Kurt Cobain His state of mind and
2:59
Speaker 1: his relationship with his wife, Courtney Love, is so complex
3:02
Speaker 1: that two episodes were needed to properly tell this story.
3:06
Speaker 1: If you're just getting hip to this now, I suggest
3:08
Speaker 1: you hit pause and go back to Disgraceland episode 25,
3:12
Speaker 1: part 1 of the Kurt and Courtney story, where we
3:15
Speaker 1: discuss Kurt's childhood, the rise of his band Nirvana, and
3:18
Speaker 1: his hooking up with the love of his life, Courtney Love.
3:22
Speaker 1: In this episode, we finally get around to some great
3:25
Speaker 1: Courtney Love music. Unlike the music played at the top
3:28
Speaker 1: of the show, that wasn't great music. That was a
3:30
Speaker 1: preset loop from my Mellotron called Swinging Shotgun Rhythm BK-1.
3:36
Speaker 1: I played you that loop because I can't afford the
3:38
Speaker 1: rights to The Sign by Ace of Base. And why
3:42
Speaker 1: would I play you that specific slice of Neo Abba cheese,
3:45
Speaker 1: could I afford it? Because that was the number one
3:48
Speaker 1: song in America on April 1st, 1994. And that was
3:53
Speaker 1: the day Kurt Cobain jumped over the six-foot wall at
3:56
Speaker 1: Exodus Recovery Center and Escaped Rehab, setting off a series
4:00
Speaker 1: of events that will put an end to what was,
4:02
Speaker 1: at that point, rock and roll's first family of grunge.
4:06
Speaker 1: On this episode, Swinging Shotguns, Neo Abba Cheese, A Rehab Breakout,
4:11
Speaker 1: Courtney Love, and Kurt Cobie. I'm Jake Brennan, and this
4:16
Speaker 1: is Disgraceland. Despite what you think of Courtney Love, she was,
4:43
Speaker 1: for a minute anyway, punk as fuck. Especially if we
4:47
Speaker 1: define punk as a particular type of rebellion, one that
4:50
Speaker 1: sits at the nexus of aggression, authenticity, anarchy, and the
4:54
Speaker 1: relentless pursuit of freedom and indulgence. It's unsurprising because Courtney
4:59
Speaker 1: Love was raised around the most punk band of all time,
5:02
Speaker 1: the Grateful Dead. I know, you're ready to bang the
5:05
Speaker 1: unsubscribe button and throw your phone against the wall. because
5:08
Speaker 1: your one-time favorite podcaster just called The Grateful Dead punk.
5:12
Speaker 1: Thing is, I'm right. As a band, The Grateful Dead,
5:17
Speaker 1: a band that I care little for, by the way,
5:19
Speaker 1: did exactly what they wanted to do, only when they
5:21
Speaker 1: wanted to do it, and always, always on their own terms.
5:25
Speaker 1: For whatever they lacked in aggression, they made up for
5:27
Speaker 1: in authenticity, anarchy, and the relentless pursuit of freedom and indulgence.
5:32
Speaker 1: Ever been to a parking lot outside of a dead show?
5:35
Speaker 1: Something tells me that anarchy and indulgence fit the bill.
5:39
Speaker 1: And as a band, nobody could ever tell the dead
5:41
Speaker 1: what to do. They did whatever the fuck they wanted
5:44
Speaker 1: and succeeded at it. They had exactly one top 10
5:47
Speaker 1: single over a 30-year career. And that single was more
5:50
Speaker 1: than 20 years into their career. Yet, through the strength
5:53
Speaker 1: of their authenticity, connected with one of the largest, most fervent,
5:57
Speaker 1: and commercially consequential fan bases of all time. And they
6:00
Speaker 1: did it themselves, with next to no help from their
6:03
Speaker 1: record label. And what's more punk than that? They also
6:06
Speaker 1: did a ton of drugs, in particular, insanely powerful LSD.
6:12
Speaker 1: Courtney Love was born Courtney Michelle Harrison in San Francisco
6:15
Speaker 1: on July 9th, 1964. By the time she was five
6:19
Speaker 1: years old, the hippie movement in San Fran's famed Haight-Ashbury
6:22
Speaker 1: district was in full swing. Her father, Hank Harrison, was
6:27
Speaker 1: college buds with Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesch. And back
6:30
Speaker 1: when they were called the Warlocks, Courtney's dad managed the
6:33
Speaker 1: Grateful Dead. His management stint was short-lived, but Hank, his wife,
6:37
Speaker 1: and his dirty blonde baby girl hung around the dead,
6:40
Speaker 1: constantly taking advantage of the relentless pursuit of freedom and
6:43
Speaker 1: indulgence offered during the Summer of Love. They partook in
6:47
Speaker 1: orgies and experimented with whatever drugs came their way, especially LSD. Eventually,
6:54
Speaker 1: Courtney's mom had had enough and split for Oregon with
6:56
Speaker 1: her girl. In her child custody battle with Hank, she
7:00
Speaker 1: testified that Hank gave LSD to Courtney as an infant. Heavy.
7:05
Speaker 1: Like the music Courtney would eventually create. But only after
7:09
Speaker 1: managing to claw and scrape her way through a childhood
7:12
Speaker 1: that was just as dysfunctional as her eventual husband's. Custody battles,
7:16
Speaker 1: foster parents, sexual abuse, reform school, a brief, semi-successful run
7:21
Speaker 1: at Hollywood appearing in Alex Cox's critically acclaimed Sid and
7:24
Speaker 1: Nancy from 1986, and his follow-up Straight to Hell in 1987,
7:29
Speaker 1: to eventually working her way around a stripper's pole in Alaska.
7:32
Speaker 1: then back to L.A. to stripping at Jumbo's down on
7:35
Speaker 1: Hollywood Boulevard to save enough money for a nose job
7:38
Speaker 1: in order to get a record deal, her reasoning, not mine,
7:41
Speaker 1: to landing a deal with Caroline Records, to eventually getting
7:44
Speaker 1: herself into the position to take her unique talents, experience,
7:47
Speaker 1: sex appeal, outsized personality, and new nose into a recording
7:50
Speaker 1: studio with her new female-dominated band she created called Hole.
7:55
Speaker 1: The result, as stated before, was, in a word, heavy.
8:00
Speaker 1: Hole's debut 1991 album Pretty on the Inside is a
8:04
Speaker 1: bombastic and sludgy Gen X blast that basically says one thing.
8:08
Speaker 1: I'm Courtney Love. You've never heard or seen anything like
8:11
Speaker 1: me before, so buckle up because shit's about to get exciting.
8:15
Speaker 1: Is that one thing or three things? Doesn't matter. Literally,
8:18
Speaker 1: the first thing you hear on the record is Courtney's
8:21
Speaker 1: vocal over a distorted mid-tempo doom riff with lyrics that
8:24
Speaker 1: imagine an argument between mother and daughter. The sting of
8:27
Speaker 1: Courtney's childhood was front and center. It wasn't going anywhere.
8:32
Speaker 1: And neither was she. Courtney Love was impossible to ignore.
8:37
Speaker 1: At least that's what Kurt Cobain thought. Within 30 seconds
8:41
Speaker 1: of meeting her in a dank Portland club, he was
8:43
Speaker 1: tussling on the beer-soaked floor with her, wrestling, playfully, over
8:47
Speaker 1: some bullshit comment Courtney made while Kurt was loading his
8:49
Speaker 1: gear in before a Nirvana gig. Something about how he
8:52
Speaker 1: looked like Dave Perner from Soul Asylum. To Kurt, thems
8:56
Speaker 1: was fightin' words. So things got physical. It turned Kurt on.
9:00
Speaker 1: It left an impression. One that Kurt was eager to
9:03
Speaker 1: explore the next time their paths crossed on the road
9:05
Speaker 1: in the UK. Courtney on the road with Hole, Kurt
9:08
Speaker 1: with Nirvana, and then again stateside in Chicago where they
9:11
Speaker 1: eventually got around to giving in to that building's sexual tension.
9:14
Speaker 1: They both fell hard and fast. It was October of 1991,
9:18
Speaker 1: right in the midst of Nirvana's ascent via the release
9:21
Speaker 1: of Nevermind. The two were married in February 1992 and voila,
9:26
Speaker 1: rock and roll royalty. In the early 1990s, you couldn't
9:47
Speaker 1: get more mainstream than Vanity Fair magazine. Comprised of A-list
9:52
Speaker 1: contributors like Dominic Dunn, star-making photographers like Herb Ritz and
9:56
Speaker 1: Annie Leibovitz, and helmed by genius editors Tina Brown and
9:59
Speaker 1: Gray Carter, the high-gloss mag both projected and reflected American culture.
10:05
Speaker 1: But what set it apart from other mainstream outlets, in
10:07
Speaker 1: addition to the quality of its content, was its willingness
10:10
Speaker 1: to brazenly wade into the waters of high society and
10:13
Speaker 1: celebrity scandal. In 1992, Vanity Fair was covered monthly by
10:18
Speaker 1: the images of mega-celebrities like Kevin Costner, Jack Nicholson, and
10:22
Speaker 1: Princess Diana, boasting articles such as Norman Mailer on Oliver
10:26
Speaker 1: Stone's JFK, Fran Lebowitz on Money, and Nick Toshus on
10:30
Speaker 1: Ed Sullivan. Not to mention the steady stream of aristocratic
10:34
Speaker 1: scandal covered by Dominic Dunn. The cover of the September
10:38
Speaker 1: issue featured Geena Davis riding high on the sails of
10:40
Speaker 1: her 92-star turn alongside Tom Hanks and Madonna in A
10:44
Speaker 1: League of Their Own. The cover also promised prospective readers
10:47
Speaker 1: insight into Gore Vidal, Camille Paglia, and Courtney Love. The
10:52
Speaker 1: article on the recently wed grunge queen to a reluctant
10:55
Speaker 1: voice-of-a-generation husband was, to Courtney anyway, supposed to be like
11:00
Speaker 1: all the other articles. A blow-up celebrating her outrageous sense
11:04
Speaker 1: of now, her arrival on the scene in the Gen
11:06
Speaker 1: X takeover of a tired mainstream culture. With Courtney Love
11:10
Speaker 1: leading the charge, of course. Because when you get right
11:12
Speaker 1: down to it, who is more able or deserving? Courtney
11:15
Speaker 1: was fearless, unafraid to say or do anything, and her
11:18
Speaker 1: band was the shit. Hole had been the subject of
11:21
Speaker 1: intense courting by the major record labels. Indeed, the first
11:25
Speaker 1: full-fledged bidding war over an unsigned female-fronted band. Clive Davis
11:29
Speaker 1: and Rick Rubin lined up and were sent packing. The
11:32
Speaker 1: deal Courtney was striking was to become mold-breaking in its
11:35
Speaker 1: financial favorability for the artist, a female artist, her. A
11:39
Speaker 1: fact she took deserved pride in pushing into the face
11:41
Speaker 1: of any and all who brought the deal up in
11:43
Speaker 1: her presence. Sure, Mr. Sexist Label Suit and Tie Guy,
11:47
Speaker 1: you want to imply that my rock star husband is
11:49
Speaker 1: co-writing my songs because I'm a woman and I'm unable
11:52
Speaker 1: to do it myself? Then fuck you very much. The
11:54
Speaker 1: cost of my publishing just went up. And okay, Mr.
11:57
Speaker 1: Rock Journalist Dude with your goatee, your mall-bought leather and
12:01
Speaker 1: reader-tested editor-approved list of boring questions, you want to ask
12:05
Speaker 1: me about my influences or what my thoughts are on grunge?
12:09
Speaker 1: My thoughts are it's a joke, just like you. And
12:11
Speaker 1: my influences are twofold, my inner labia and my outer labia.
12:15
Speaker 1: Those are my influences. Fuck off. This was the sort
12:19
Speaker 1: of interview fans of Courtney Love had grown used to
12:21
Speaker 1: in 1992, and most journalists were either too hapless or
12:25
Speaker 1: too horrified to affect anything different. Not that they necessarily
12:29
Speaker 1: wanted to. At the end of the day, it made
12:31
Speaker 1: for good copy, and good copy made for good sales,
12:34
Speaker 1: so it was a dance worth doing for both parties.
12:37
Speaker 1: Rock mags shrugged off Courtney's exhibitionist act and played along
12:41
Speaker 1: while Courtney left a trail of burning expletives singeing the
12:43
Speaker 1: pages of rock magazines everywhere. But Vanity Fair wasn't a
12:47
Speaker 1: rock magazine, it was Vanity Fair, and this game of
12:51
Speaker 1: shock that Courtney Love was playing was far less interesting
12:54
Speaker 1: than the shocking truth behind the life she and Kurt
12:56
Speaker 1: Cobain were living. The truth was that they were barely living.
13:00
Speaker 1: The truth was that they were heavily addicted to heroin,
13:02
Speaker 1: despite being pregnant. To Vanity Fair, it wasn't entertaining, it
13:06
Speaker 1: wasn't funny, it wasn't safe, it wasn't even legal, it
13:09
Speaker 1: was gross, dangerous, and in need of being exposed. In
13:14
Speaker 1: the interview, Kourtney's normal bombast, total lack of humility, and
13:17
Speaker 1: name-dropping are all on display, off-putting qualities to any sane
13:21
Speaker 1: person that are ultimately balanced out by the details surrounding
13:24
Speaker 1: her vanguard style, fearless feminism, and quote-machine motormouth. You're quickly
13:29
Speaker 1: reminded that she's a rockstar's rockstar, and oh yeah, isn't
13:32
Speaker 1: that why we're reading about her in the first place?
13:35
Speaker 1: until the article wades into the salacious details surrounding her
13:38
Speaker 1: and her rock star husband's heroin habit. A habit that
13:42
Speaker 1: has 20 unnamed industry sources quoted in the couple as
13:45
Speaker 1: being heavily into heroin. A habit Courtney actually boasts about
13:49
Speaker 1: while recounting her whirlwind marriage to Kurt, saying, quote, We
13:52
Speaker 1: went on a binge, referring to their time in New
13:55
Speaker 1: York City during Kurt's first SNL appearance. Another quote, We
13:59
Speaker 1: did a lot of drugs, we got pills, and then
14:01
Speaker 1: we went down to Alphabet City, and Kurt wore a hat.
14:04
Speaker 1: I wore a hat. and we copped some dope, and
14:06
Speaker 1: then we got high and went to SNL. After that,
14:09
Speaker 1: I did heroin for a couple of months. The only
14:12
Speaker 1: problem with the quote was that a few paragraphs earlier
14:15
Speaker 1: in the article, Courtney explained that she had been pregnant
14:18
Speaker 1: when Kurt proposed, and when they were married in Hawaii,
14:21
Speaker 1: and that that happened before the SNL gig, and thus
14:24
Speaker 1: before the months-long heroin binge she bragged about, and thus
14:28
Speaker 1: she was doing heroin while pregnant. When the article hit newsstands,
14:33
Speaker 1: holy hell broke. The press revolted. No more fucking around.
14:37
Speaker 1: The safety of a kid was at risk. Articles popped
14:40
Speaker 1: up everywhere condemning the rock star couple's behavior. Kurt and
14:43
Speaker 1: Courtney went into a warlike posture, denied everything, claimed Vanity
14:47
Speaker 1: Fair misquoted them, made the story up to sell magazines.
14:51
Speaker 1: Vanity Fair stood by their writer, Lynn Hirshberg. The couple
14:54
Speaker 1: threatened to sue and drew into themselves, became super guarded
14:57
Speaker 1: and distrustful of all media. They phoned in violent threats
15:01
Speaker 1: to writers of follow-up pieces they believed perpetuated Vanity Fair's
15:04
Speaker 1: so-called lies. The story became unavoidable and Courtney Love became
15:09
Speaker 1: a household name before her major label album was even released.
15:13
Speaker 1: Los Angeles Children's Services opened an investigation and removed Kurt
15:17
Speaker 1: and Courtney's newborn baby, Francis Bean, from their custody after
15:20
Speaker 1: she was born, fearing for her safety. Courtney's sister was
15:24
Speaker 1: given temporary custody and the couple was unable to visit
15:27
Speaker 1: with their newborn baby alone. After several months of drug tests,
15:32
Speaker 1: Kurt and Courtney regained custody, but not before the whole
15:35
Speaker 1: episode took its toll on Kurt, who, his whole life,
15:38
Speaker 1: longed for a family, a sense of home. And here
15:41
Speaker 1: it was, at long last, only to be broken up
15:43
Speaker 1: by someone else's hand. The pain was familiar, as was
15:47
Speaker 1: the shame, and Kurt would never recover from it. We'll
15:52
Speaker 1: be right back after this word, word, word. Kurt and
16:00
Speaker 1: Courtney marveled at the sonogram. There she was. Her fingers
16:04
Speaker 1: and toes were all there. And Kurt swore that their
16:07
Speaker 1: child had just flashed the devil horn rock salute as
16:10
Speaker 1: she floated suspended in utero. Thank fucking God. Everything was
16:15
Speaker 1: going to be okay. At home, it was a different story.
16:19
Speaker 1: Throughout her pregnancy, Courtney did her best to stay clean,
16:22
Speaker 1: but it was a struggle. Especially because Kurt was using
16:25
Speaker 1: heroin and high every day. He looked like shit. His
16:29
Speaker 1: face was pale and marked with scabs that he absently
16:32
Speaker 1: picked at with dirty fingernails. His pupils were pinpoints. At
16:36
Speaker 1: least he had the decency to shoot up out of
16:38
Speaker 1: her sight so she wouldn't be tempted. Courtney was determined
16:41
Speaker 1: to stay healthy, to prove the press wrong, and to
16:44
Speaker 1: give birth to a healthy baby, and that meant she
16:46
Speaker 1: needed to avoid Kurt as much as possible. When Courtney
16:50
Speaker 1: went into labor on August 18, 1992, Kurt was already
16:54
Speaker 1: at L.A. 's Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. He'd checked himself in
16:58
Speaker 1: earlier that month to detox off smack for the birth
17:01
Speaker 1: of his child. You know, like most first-time dads. The
17:05
Speaker 1: gurney was rickety, uncomfortable, as was the hospital gown, cheap
17:08
Speaker 1: and coarse on Courtney's skin. She wailed, her insides twisted.
17:12
Speaker 1: Where the fuck was Kurt? Courtney bounced off the gurney
17:16
Speaker 1: in her paper slippers and began waddling throughout the hospital
17:18
Speaker 1: in search of her junkie husband. If she could go
17:21
Speaker 1: through the pain of labor, his skinny ass could go
17:23
Speaker 1: through the pain of heroin withdrawals to witness the birth
17:25
Speaker 1: of their first child. Courtney later said of the ordeal,
17:29
Speaker 1: I'm having the baby, it's coming, and Kurt's puking, he's
17:32
Speaker 1: passing out, and I'm holding his hand and rubbing his
17:35
Speaker 1: stomach while the baby's coming out of me. After the
17:38
Speaker 1: ordeal was over, Courtney could laugh about it, but in
17:41
Speaker 1: the moment, she needed him and he wasn't there. In body, maybe, yes,
17:45
Speaker 1: but not much else. This level of commitment for Kurt
17:50
Speaker 1: would continue as the couple set about raising their daughter,
17:53
Speaker 1: Frances Bean Cobain. After finally gaining legal custody, It didn't
17:58
Speaker 1: take Kurt long to get back into his habit. On
18:01
Speaker 1: Francis Bean's first birthday, he nodded off, comatose on heroin
18:05
Speaker 1: while holding his baby in his lap. Courtney tried to
18:08
Speaker 1: get him to wake up and engage to celebrate, but
18:10
Speaker 1: he couldn't. He was tired, he reasoned, as if his
18:13
Speaker 1: wife left to do the heavy lifting of rearing an
18:15
Speaker 1: infant wasn't. But of course, Courtney was exhausted and frankly
18:20
Speaker 1: tired of her husband's bullshit. She took a good long
18:23
Speaker 1: look at Kurt, thought for a second of their future,
18:25
Speaker 1: and then turned her attention back to her daughter.
18:28
Speaker 2: Distracted.
18:29
Speaker 1: For the moment, anyway. Kurt continued to be distracted as well,
18:33
Speaker 1: but not just by heroin. He had a record to make.
18:36
Speaker 1: A follow-up to Nevermind. He holed up in the studio
18:39
Speaker 1: with legendary punk rock producer Steve Albini. Kurt was stoked.
18:43
Speaker 1: With Albini behind the board, the snares would sound like shotguns,
18:46
Speaker 1: the solos like shredding power tools, and the screams like
18:49
Speaker 1: they were meant to. Raw and honest. Albini liked to
18:53
Speaker 1: have fun in the studio. Prank calling rock stars was
18:56
Speaker 1: the game. Their target? heartthrob Evan Dando of the Lemonheads,
19:01
Speaker 1: who Kurt had a special hatred for. Dando's matinee good
19:05
Speaker 1: looks had been plastered over countless magazines, and the dude,
19:08
Speaker 1: to Kurt's estimation, seemed to be enjoying it just a
19:11
Speaker 1: little too much. It was an affront to his punk
19:14
Speaker 1: rock sensibility. Plus, Courtney was into him. Kurt just knew it. Somehow,
19:20
Speaker 1: they got the number to where Dando was staying on tour.
19:23
Speaker 1: They dialed. Dando answered, They told him they were calling
19:25
Speaker 1: from Madonna's publicity office, and that Madonna was very interested
19:29
Speaker 1: in speaking with him and meeting up. And I mean,
19:32
Speaker 1: come on, why wouldn't Madonna want to meet up with him,
19:33
Speaker 1: Dando reasoned. It was perfectly plausible. So Dando waited, stewing.
19:39
Speaker 1: On the other end, Kurt, Albini, and Dave Grohl suppressed
19:42
Speaker 1: their laughter while Dando cooled his jets impatiently, contemplating the
19:45
Speaker 1: wild sexual future he was about to have with his
19:47
Speaker 1: teenage fantasy. And the more they made him wait, the
19:50
Speaker 1: funnier it got. And the more they tried to hold
19:52
Speaker 1: their laughs, the more their guts felt like they were
19:54
Speaker 1: going to split. Dando was losing it on the other
19:57
Speaker 1: end by now. Where is she?
19:58
Speaker 3: Hurry up, man!
19:59
Speaker 1: I'm going to start beating off! Albini told them they
20:02
Speaker 1: were going to have to call him back and hung
20:03
Speaker 1: up before giving up the joke. And they all laughed uncontrolled.
20:08
Speaker 1: But the laughs for Kurt were seldom during the time
20:11
Speaker 1: of in utero. And Evan Dando wasn't the only alterner
20:14
Speaker 1: frontman that Kurt felt threatened by. There were rumors Courtney
20:17
Speaker 1: was unfaithful to him while he was on the road.
20:20
Speaker 1: Kurt could sense what was really going on. Despite whatever
20:23
Speaker 1: jealousy roiled through him or what Courtney did or didn't
20:26
Speaker 1: hold over his head, Kurt could feel that the drugs
20:29
Speaker 1: and the distance of being a touring musician were pulling
20:31
Speaker 1: him apart from his wife, despite the love that was
20:34
Speaker 1: at their core. It was all bullshit. Courtney never cheated
20:37
Speaker 1: on him. She's quoted as saying, I almost cheated on
20:41
Speaker 1: him one time. I almost did one time and he
20:43
Speaker 1: knew it. I have no idea how he knew it.
20:45
Speaker 1: The plan didn't ever go anywhere. Nothing happened. But the
20:48
Speaker 1: response to it was he took 67 Rufinols and ended
20:51
Speaker 1: up in a coma because I thought about cheating on him.
20:54
Speaker 1: I mean, fuck. Somehow, while on tour in Germany in
20:58
Speaker 1: support of In Utero, it all became too much for Kurt.
21:02
Speaker 1: He was reeling from the rumored infidelity and at loose
21:04
Speaker 1: ends from being away from home. With two shows left
21:08
Speaker 1: for the tour, Kurt up and quit, canceled the final
21:11
Speaker 1: concerts after ending his last set with a scorching version
21:14
Speaker 1: of Heart-Shaped Box. After the show, he called his lawyer
21:17
Speaker 1: to say he wanted to divorce Courtney. Confused and hurt,
21:21
Speaker 1: he jumped on a plane to meet Courtney and Francis
21:23
Speaker 1: in Rome. The plan was to give it another shot,
21:26
Speaker 1: try to save his family, save his home. Kurt sat
21:30
Speaker 1: on the plane in silence, shell-shocked, stoned. He had booted
21:34
Speaker 1: himself up with heroin before arriving at the airport. He'd
21:37
Speaker 1: be high enough to stave off the itch during the flight.
21:40
Speaker 1: But fighting off the gnawing feeling in his gut, the
21:42
Speaker 1: feeling that he was losing his wife, his family, well,
21:45
Speaker 1: that was another story entirely. It was all Kurt could
21:48
Speaker 1: think of. Courtney with some other dude. The thought of
21:51
Speaker 1: it sickened him, literally. He felt the nausea coming up
21:55
Speaker 1: on him from his seat in first class, but somehow
21:57
Speaker 1: managed to keep it down. Stupidly, Kurt hadn't brought anything
22:01
Speaker 1: to occupy himself with for the flight. No book, no magazine.
22:05
Speaker 1: just a head full of jealousy and a heart full
22:07
Speaker 1: of shame. He sat quietly. To pass the time, he
22:10
Speaker 1: did his best to recount the lyrics to Black Flags,
22:13
Speaker 1: My War, but instead somehow kept finding his way to
22:16
Speaker 1: the lyrics for Black Flags, Jealous Again. It was torture. Finally,
22:21
Speaker 1: the plane landed. Kurt arrived at the Excelsior Hotel Rome early.
22:34
Speaker 1: He went full romance, roses, chocolate, champagne, candles. He'd win
22:39
Speaker 1: her back. He loved her, and she loved him, despite
22:42
Speaker 1: whatever bullshit she'd been up to. And besides, it's not
22:45
Speaker 1: like he'd been a model husband and father, and at
22:47
Speaker 1: the end of the day, they both loved Frances Bean.
22:50
Speaker 1: They were a family. They made a home, and it
22:52
Speaker 1: was worth saving. When Courtney and the baby arrived, things
22:56
Speaker 1: didn't go as Kurt planned. After she put the baby
22:59
Speaker 1: to bed and the couple finished their room service dinner,
23:02
Speaker 1: An exhausted Courtney rolled over and promptly passed out. The teary,
23:07
Speaker 1: joyful reunion that Kurt had envisioned wasn't happening. Didn't she
23:11
Speaker 1: love him? Didn't she want to be with him? What
23:13
Speaker 1: was wrong with her? Something was off. Kurt decided she
23:17
Speaker 1: smelled different. He could smell something different about her. Someone
23:21
Speaker 1: else's smell on her. He was sure of it, and
23:23
Speaker 1: it wouldn't go away. Kurt drifted in and out of sleep,
23:26
Speaker 1: and each time he woke, that foreign smell was right there,
23:30
Speaker 1: plain as day, fucking with him. daring him to face
23:33
Speaker 1: the obvious. The deep, dark, dirty mirror. The one that
23:36
Speaker 1: would reflect the truth. The truth that his home had
23:39
Speaker 1: been busted up. It was all over. With the hotel
23:42
Speaker 1: room dark and quiet and his wife and baby sound asleep,
23:46
Speaker 1: Kurt Cobain wrote a letter. My doctor says that, like Hamlet,
23:50
Speaker 1: I need to choose life or death. He put the
23:53
Speaker 1: pen down and shook 60 Rufinols out of an amber bottle.
23:56
Speaker 1: He stuffed them into his mouth and downed them with
23:58
Speaker 1: the last of the champagne. He then picked up the
24:01
Speaker 1: pen and wrote, I'm choosing death. The press reported the
24:23
Speaker 1: Rome incident as an accidental overdose. But for Courtney, the
24:27
Speaker 1: truth was unavoidable and scary as fuck. Kurt Cobain, hated himself,
24:33
Speaker 1: and wanted to die. Kurt and Courtney returned to the States.
24:38
Speaker 1: An intervention was arranged for Kurt, and it didn't take.
24:41
Speaker 1: Rehab was next. Kurt flew in from Seattle and checked
24:45
Speaker 1: into LA's Exodus Center. But first, he hit up Stan
24:48
Speaker 1: Baker Sports on Lake City Way and purchased a 20-gauge
24:51
Speaker 1: shotgun and a round of shells. Rehab lasted 72 hours.
24:57
Speaker 1: Kurt called and purchased a plane ticket back to Seattle,
25:00
Speaker 1: jumped the wall, bailed. The flight was crowded. Kurt was
25:04
Speaker 1: late to board for his class.
25:06
Speaker 3: Shit, is that? It was.
25:09
Speaker 1: Kurt was seated next to another junkie rock star from Seattle.
25:13
Speaker 1: And despite what he would have preferred, there was nothing
25:15
Speaker 1: he could do about it. So Kurt Cobain, junkie singer
25:19
Speaker 1: of the biggest band in the world at the time,
25:21
Speaker 1: took a seat next to Seattle native Duff McKagan, junkie
25:24
Speaker 1: bass player for the second biggest band in the world
25:26
Speaker 1: at the time, Guns N' Roses. Duff was friendly and cool,
25:32
Speaker 1: as was his nature, two traits that separated him from
25:35
Speaker 1: the singer in his band, Axl Rose, who Kurt and
25:38
Speaker 1: Courtney hated with the power of a thousand burning suns.
25:41
Speaker 1: Duff didn't care. He saw in Kurt a kindred spirit.
25:44
Speaker 1: They ordered drinks and the conversation was easy. Duff made
25:48
Speaker 1: small talk about the tour GNR had just completed and
25:51
Speaker 1: Kurt was open about escaping rehab. Heroin didn't come up,
25:55
Speaker 1: but it was on both of their minds. Duff knew
25:58
Speaker 1: Kurt was down, seated next to him. his depression was palpable.
26:02
Speaker 1: Upon landing, Duff decided to invite Kurt to come hang,
26:05
Speaker 1: maybe lift his spirits. But by the time he got
26:08
Speaker 1: around to asking, Kurt was in his limo and off
26:11
Speaker 1: in search of oblivion. He headed to the heart of
26:15
Speaker 1: the city's junkie thoroughfare, Aurora Avenue. The Marco Polo on
26:20
Speaker 1: Aurora was an $ 18 a night motel room in a
26:22
Speaker 1: home away from home for Kurt, despite the fact that
26:25
Speaker 1: he had just purchased a million-dollar mansion off of Lake
26:28
Speaker 1: Washington in one of Seattle's more expensive neighborhoods, right next
26:32
Speaker 1: to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Kurt couldn't hang in the house,
26:36
Speaker 1: especially not without Courtney and Francis, who were back in L.A.
26:40
Speaker 1: The house was too big, too ostentatious, too much of
26:43
Speaker 1: what Axl Rose would have preferred. Not punk enough. So
26:47
Speaker 1: $ 2. 26 at the Marco Polo suited him just fine. Plus,
26:51
Speaker 1: scoring dope down on Aurora was a cinch. So that's
26:54
Speaker 1: what Kurt did. He got high, and then he got
26:56
Speaker 1: high some more. And eventually he made his way back
26:59
Speaker 1: home and then wandered back out downtown to make a
27:01
Speaker 1: half-assed attempt at socializing, connecting, but ultimately just to score
27:05
Speaker 1: more dope. Back in L.A., Courtney was furious, frightened. Kurt
27:10
Speaker 1: had escaped rehab on the heels of a suicide attempt
27:13
Speaker 1: in Rome and was now unaccountable for somewhere in Seattle
27:16
Speaker 1: and up to what she did not know but feared
27:18
Speaker 1: the worst. Courtney hired a private detective to locate her husband.
27:23
Speaker 1: Kurt was wandering through the city in a haze. He
27:26
Speaker 1: hit Linda's Tavern down on East Pine, a familiar dive
27:29
Speaker 1: where he knew he'd be recognized, but at least treated
27:31
Speaker 1: with the appropriate amount of deference, and who knows, maybe
27:34
Speaker 1: he'd even talk to some people and actually enjoy himself.
27:37
Speaker 1: He didn't. He wandered in and then out, and then
27:40
Speaker 1: into a cab and back to his mansion in search
27:42
Speaker 1: of the shotgun and the shells he'd purchased a few
27:45
Speaker 1: days earlier. The first song Kurt Cobain ever recorded is
27:51
Speaker 1: called Suicide Samurai. From his earliest days, he was obsessed
27:55
Speaker 1: with suicide. In his journals as a boy, he'd written
27:59
Speaker 1: suicide notes to his imaginary friend. In his band's lyrics,
28:03
Speaker 1: he teased out the concept over and over again. In
28:07
Speaker 1: Utero was rife with not-so-subtle hints. The concept of death
28:13
Speaker 1: by his own hand was a constant, and it was
28:16
Speaker 1: very much on his mind on April 5th, 1994, as
28:19
Speaker 1: he made his way from the main house on his
28:21
Speaker 1: grounds to the living quarters of the garage adjacent Shotgun
28:24
Speaker 1: in one hand, box of shells in the other. Suicide.
28:27
Speaker 1: All he could think of. The pain was too much.
28:31
Speaker 1: The heroin addiction was destroying him. He knew it. It
28:35
Speaker 1: was eating away at him and pushing his wife and
28:37
Speaker 1: child away. He wanted to quit, but it was impossible.
28:41
Speaker 1: Quit and do what?
28:42
Speaker 3: Be normal?
28:43
Speaker 1: What was normal anyway? Besides, if he quit, it's not
28:46
Speaker 1: like anything would change. He'd still be depressed. He'd still
28:50
Speaker 1: be famous. He'd still find a little joy in making music. Music.
28:55
Speaker 1: It used to be everything. Being in a band, making
28:57
Speaker 1: records kids like him wanted to listen to. That was
29:00
Speaker 1: literally all there was. He set out to do it,
29:02
Speaker 1: and he did it. But when it finally happened for him,
29:05
Speaker 1: success and fame, it was hollow, just like him. He
29:09
Speaker 1: thought he'd build a home for himself, and he did,
29:11
Speaker 1: but it was coming apart in adulthood, just like it
29:13
Speaker 1: had throughout his childhood. Nothing worked. Everything sucked. And there
29:18
Speaker 1: was no way of seeing himself out. He was rejected
29:21
Speaker 1: from his family. from the joy of making music and
29:23
Speaker 1: from the home he'd attempted to make. Kurt found himself
29:28
Speaker 1: sitting on the linoleum floor of the living quarters above
29:30
Speaker 1: his garage, shotgun at his one side, on the other
29:34
Speaker 1: side his works, a needle, a spoon, and $ 100 worth
29:37
Speaker 1: of black tar heroin. He took the suicide note he
29:40
Speaker 1: penned earlier that morning and placed it away from the
29:43
Speaker 1: mess he was about to make. He'd brought towels for that,
29:46
Speaker 1: for the blood, for whoever would find him. So punk rock.
29:51
Speaker 1: He loaded the shotgun with the shells, and then he
29:54
Speaker 1: loaded the needle with the smack. He injected it into
29:56
Speaker 1: his arm and felt the familiar tease of oblivion. But
30:00
Speaker 1: this time, Kurt would not be denied. Sweet relief was
30:03
Speaker 1: in his sights. He put the barrel to the roof
30:06
Speaker 1: of his mouth and then... It was over. Suicide is
30:16
Speaker 1: something you're never ready for. It's so hyper-foreign to most
30:20
Speaker 1: of us who aren't depressed. Who may be troubled or
30:23
Speaker 1: unhappy or stressed but still have the fight in us.
30:26
Speaker 1: We get up every day and put one foot in
30:28
Speaker 1: front of the other. despite how hard things get. It's
30:32
Speaker 1: literally our nature to do so. Which is exactly what
30:35
Speaker 1: makes it so hard to understand how someone else can
30:38
Speaker 1: quote-unquote give up. It's so hard to see coming. After
30:44
Speaker 1: Kurt's body was found a couple days later, Courtney flew
30:47
Speaker 1: to Seattle. She landed into a media circus. The Cobain
30:51
Speaker 1: Love home was surrounded by grieving fans and cable news trucks.
30:55
Speaker 1: Among this mayhem, Courtney Love began sorting out her grief
30:59
Speaker 1: and in a way fell into a familiar behavior, protecting
31:02
Speaker 1: her husband against scarless tabloids and hangers-on. She found the
31:06
Speaker 1: inner strength when the pressure and the Klieg lights were
31:09
Speaker 1: most powerful and confronted Kurt's devastated fans despite her own
31:13
Speaker 1: unsorted grief. She put one foot in front of the other.
31:18
Speaker 1: In the vigil that sprung up around their home, Courtney
31:21
Speaker 1: visited with Kurt's fans. She recorded and played a taped
31:24
Speaker 1: reading of his suicide note because that's what Kurt would
31:27
Speaker 1: have wanted. He had, after all, written it for them.
31:30
Speaker 1: And she comforted fans personally, walking amongst them, talking to them,
31:35
Speaker 1: hugging them, and sharing her own grief. She let them in,
31:38
Speaker 1: and they in turn did the same for her. It
31:41
Speaker 1: was honest, painful, and punk as fuck. 171 Lake Washington Boulevard, Seattle, Washington,
31:48
Speaker 1: was where Kurt Cobain had lived up until a couple
31:51
Speaker 1: days earlier. But it wasn't really a home. There was
31:54
Speaker 1: no love. His wife was off in LA and so
31:58
Speaker 1: was his daughter. There were no relatives coming by to
32:01
Speaker 1: check in or pass the time. The best Kurt had
32:04
Speaker 1: were a couple grungy hangers-on who were living off of
32:07
Speaker 1: his credit card under the guise of taking care of
32:09
Speaker 1: the place. It was cold, dark, near empty. It was
32:13
Speaker 1: a house, not the home Kurt had longed for his
32:15
Speaker 1: whole life. But now, in the wake of his death,
32:19
Speaker 1: the house was descended upon by throngs of people who
32:22
Speaker 1: loved him, who wanted nothing more than to embrace him.
32:26
Speaker 1: and his wife had risen to the occasion and opened
32:28
Speaker 1: herself up to the collective hug of her dead husband's fans,
32:32
Speaker 1: doing what grieving loved ones have done since the beginning
32:34
Speaker 1: of time, benefited from the power of friends, family, and
32:38
Speaker 1: home to see them through. It's a powerful kind of
32:41
Speaker 1: love that sees the grieved through their darkest moments. It's
32:44
Speaker 1: the type of love that gives you resilience, the type
32:47
Speaker 1: of love that can sprout wings on your back, the
32:50
Speaker 1: type of love that comes from the heart, from the home,
32:54
Speaker 1: the type of love that Kurt Cobain would never experience.
32:57
Speaker 1: And that's a disgrace.
33:00
Speaker 4: I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgraceland.
33:14
Speaker 1: Disgraceland was created by yours truly and is produced in
33:17
Speaker 1: partnership with Double Elvis. Credits for this episode can be
33:20
Speaker 1: found on the show notes page at disgracelandpod.com. If you're
33:24
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33:27
Speaker 1: supporting the show. We really appreciate it. And if not,
33:30
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33:32
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33:36
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33:40
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33:41
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33:55
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34:04
Speaker 1: Rock and roll up. He's a bad, bad man.
34:08
Speaker 2: All right, guys.
34:11
Speaker 1: Thanks for checking out this special two-part rewind episode of
34:15
Speaker 1: Disgraceland on Nirvana. 617-906-6638. Voicemail and text. What do you think?
34:22
Speaker 1: How do you think Kurt died? Do you think I
34:23
Speaker 1: got it right? Do you think the history books got
34:26
Speaker 1: it right? Do you think something nefarious is at play?
34:29
Speaker 1: Do you still believe that? 617-906-6638. Voicemail and text at
34:33
Speaker 1: DisgracelandPod on the socials. DiscretionPod at gmail.com. Let me know.