Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep22: Comedians vs. Internet Trolls/ The Funniest Clapbacks 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep22: Comedians vs. Internet Trolls/ The Funniest Clapbacks 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: I go to McDonald's.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm at the drive-thru.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_03: I own a Big Mac meal.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't had a Big Mac in the longest time.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my God, I can't wait to get this Big Mac.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_03: I get the Big Mac, I'm so excited, I pull over into McDonald's parking lot, I start fucking the Big Mac up.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: Smashing it all over my face, everything.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'm happy as hell.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: I turn to my left, it's a woman outside the window taping me.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: She said, got your ass.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: I got nervous.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: What the fuck is you doing, lady?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: She said, mm-mm, but I got your ass.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: What the fuck you mean, got my ass?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_03: What am I doing?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so nervous, I dropped the burger.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: I just dropped the fucking burger.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter, I issued an apology via social media.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_03: I said, I'm sorry.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: The reason why I apologize is because two days earlier I announced that I was going plant-based full time.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: I just said it.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_03: Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community, became an ally, made a donation, was a part of protest.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: I had to do what I could.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: Stood by the side of cows, took pictures, it was a lot.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: I don't like what you guys have made me become, man.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: I don't like it.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm no longer comfortable.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: You switched it on me.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_03: You switched it on me, man.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: That motherfuckers get weird sometimes, man.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: People get weird.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's how we looked at people.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: You switched it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: We're the weird people now.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: You look at us like, what the fuck is wrong with that?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: We're the weird people.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how to fucking act in public.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: Hey man, why you staring at what's going on, man?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: I think everybody knows I'm looking, man.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: Get your hands out your pocket.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: What's happening, man?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: Come on.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck you about to do to me, man.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: You're about to eat me, ain't you?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, man.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_03: What the fuck are you talking about, Kevin?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: Ain't nobody worried about your ass?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_03: Bullshit.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: Look at that guy's looking at me at his goddamn glass, man.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: I know somebody thinks I'm dinner when I see it.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: They're trying to eat me up in here.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_08: My mom made a fake Twitter account to defend me from trolls.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, it's always aw when it's not your mom.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_08: You ever realize that?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_08: Someone else's mom.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_08: Awww.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_08: When it's your mom, you're like, fuck you! So she made this fake Twitter account to defend me online, like a couple years ago.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_08: Okay?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_08: The username was Joe Smith 1355, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_08: That's very smart.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_08: That is not her name.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_08: But she's a mom, right?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_08: And she doesn't know how Twitter works.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_08: So the username might have been Joe Smith 1355.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_08: But the profile name was Amy Davidson.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_08: I sing on top, profile picture.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_08: Also Amy Davidson.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_08: So I'm reading hate tweets one night while I masturbate to make myself stronger.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_08: And I was scrolling through, and I see this one account defending me left and right.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_08: Now, back in the day, when you used Twitter on Safari, you didn't see the profile name or the picture, you just saw the username.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_08: So I'm reading all these tweets.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_08: And people are being very mean, but Joe Smith 1355 defending me left and right.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_08: I was reading all these nice tweets about me.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_08: Joe Smith 1355.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_08: It was to the point I was like, this is why I do this.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_08: Thank you, Joe Smith 1355.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_08: You know?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_08: And then I was reading all these tweets, and then there was one tweet that was too specific.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_08: And I literally said out loud, This is my mom.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_08: Which is a weird thing to say, mit jerk.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_08: And then have to finish after that.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_08: I'm like, after this, I'm gonna call her.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_08: I knew right away this was the tweet.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_08: The hate tweet was Pete Davidson is gay.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_08: Joe Smith, 1355 writes, actually he's not.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_08: He may have thought he was gay as a child because of Leonardo DiCaprio.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_08: Take a nap, hater.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_08: I called my mom.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_08: I go, Joe Smith.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_08: 1355.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_08: She goes what gave it away.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_08: I go your profile name and picture are of you.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_08: And she goes, Terry! Which means my mom made a Twitter account with her 79-year-old female friend Terry.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_09: And Terry was calling the shots.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_09: Not to get off on a fucking tangent, dude.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_09: This is not even related.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_09: But you know what?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_09: I got so much shit from the Asian community, man, for the first hangover.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_09: That was controversial at that time, like 10 years ago.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_09: Because seriously, I had fucking Asian haters, dude.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_09: Dude, Asian haters on the internet, they're the fucking worst, dude.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_09: White trolls are bad, but Asian trolls, they're the stickiest, dude.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_09: No, no, for real.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_09: This is a real comment.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_09: I'm not making this up.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_09: This is a real comment from this is a real comment from someone on Reddit, and it's still up there.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_09: Alright, you can look it up.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_09: Ken, if I ever see you in public, I will choke you within a few seconds from death with my bare hands.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_09: Fuck you, you piece of shit.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_09: Do anything for a dollar whore.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_09: And that was my mom, alright?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_09: Tell you, these fucking Asian haters, man, they hate themselves, dude.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_09: They fucking hated the fact I had a thick accent and I had a small penis.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_09: Dude, I was born with that shit.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_09: That's not a stereotype, that's fucking real to me.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_09: How are they mad?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_09: And they want me to apologize for that, Maria.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_09: What do I say?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_09: Me so sorry?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know what to say.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_09: My God! Dude, I got I get so much shit from the hangover.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_09: I did a lot of social justice in the hangover.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_09: I was a social justice warrior in that shit.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_09: Think about that.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_09: I jumped out of a trunk and beat up the white man three times, alright?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_06: I was on Twitter and I saw a picture of this guy.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_06: And he was he was retiring from the military.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_06: And when he retired, he posted a picture of himself, full military uniform, all of his medals, but he was wearing a uh furry mask, like a sexual dog mask.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_06: And he posted, he said, now that I'm retiring from the military, I can come out and say, I've been into puff play this entire time.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_06: And he tweeted, he said that officer bow wow out.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_06: And he said, He said, like hashtag service dog.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_06: It was rough.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_06: For real, that was an accident.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_06: But he tweeted it.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_06: So of course, Russia and China's Twitter, they got a hold of it, they started talking shit.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_06: You know, they were like, look at our military as much like jacked skinhead dudes.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_06: They're like, look at America's military.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_06: It was like transgender people, the dog general.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_06: And they were making fun of us.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_06: They're making memes.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_06: They're like, look how tough and masculine our army is.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_06: Look how weak and gay America is.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_06: But I was looking at the pictures and I was like, dog general's the scariest soldier I've ever fucking imagined in my dude, just some sexual freak operating drones that thinks he's a fucking dog.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_04: Just how fucking scary that guy is.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_06: Deleting villages.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_06: That guy's terrifying.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_06: The gayer the army, the scarier.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_06: Forever, dude.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_06: Throughout history.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_06: Think of any army throughout history.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_06: Imagine them gay.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_06: Gay Nazis?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_06: Just when you thought those guys couldn't look any sharper.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as a comedian, you get a lot of feedback online.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people are nice, but other times they're like, instead of doing comedy, I wish you were made of bees, you know, or whatever it is.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the meanest uh comments I've gotten.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus Christ, you're perhaps the ugliest human on the planet.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: But then again, I haven't left the planet.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I enjoy this one because there's an introspective shift.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Where he's like, you're ugly, but then what have I done with my life?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I do have a troll that's not afraid to self-reflect.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh this next one is an Instagram comment that continues to haunt me.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: I still have no answers.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: She just writes, that's so true, Doug.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Who's Doug?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Who is Doug, Carol?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We need answers, and we're never gonna get them.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I actually have a poem for you.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, it's a YouTube comment on one of my stand-up videos that I memorized.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_02: It goes.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: Woman literally only funny when on testosterone and pretending to be a man.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that didn't work for Hannah Dykesby, but China Boy here actually really funny.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_04: Great job, they're uniting the country now, bitch!
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: I try to put out positivity, so when it comes back to me, it means so much.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I try not to focus on negative stuff.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I try to surround myself uh with positive things.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I try not to read negative comments, but in a job like mine, you do hear from a lot of people, and I don't see everything, but occasionally a turd will get through.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I happened to see this message on that day that was sent to me directly, and uh I wanted to read that message to you guys if that's okay.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes! Alright.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's from a guy named Gary, and uh I will preface it with you are not going to like this message, but we are going to unpack it together.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: So, here is what Gary wrote to me on the day it was announced that I got married.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: He said, How long have you and your wife been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians who should be put in Alcatraz?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wow, that is very specific.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: There was no grammar in that message, by the way.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, mentally ill taco licking.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I think he means mentally ill, comma, taco hyphen.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: You guys get it.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Already I'm doing him favors.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess I was bored on this particular day because I was like, I just gotta see what this person looks like.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Who sends a message like this to a complete stranger?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I went on his page and he did not have a picture of himself.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was a picture of an American flag, and written across of it, it said, We need God in America again.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: That is what Gary leads with on Instagram, and then that was the message that he sent me.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I don't know that God would be into the phrase taco licking.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Call me crazy, which he did, but that did not sound very Christ-like to me.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, there is nowhere in the Bible where it says what you can or cannot do with your Mexican food.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Just so you know.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_07: I'm a proud Puerto Rican.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_07: And, you know, so when I tweet, I tweet from the point of view of a Puerto Rican person.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_07: And people get mad.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_07: Unfortunately, people get upset at that.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_07: You know, white people.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_07: They always get mad.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_07: You know?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_07: How could you say that?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_07: Because the problem is, is like, you know, I you can't get away with jokes like that anymore if you're white on social media thing.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_07: No, you have to you have to reflect.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_07: You're a bad person, Craft.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_07: You've done things.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_07: You're bad.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_07: So, but I don't feel that way.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_07: You know, like I said, I'm a proud Latino.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_07: And I said, I said, look, I tweeted, I said, listen.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_07: I said, if I was President Joe Biden, the first thing I would have did is made AOC the head of the CIA because nobody looks through phones like Latina women.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_07: That's what I said.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_07: And then this guy, Ryan, this dumb white piece of shit.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_07: Ryan, you know, this guy started tweeting at me.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_07: He was like, you're racist.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_07: How could you say that?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, say what?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_07: The truth?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_07: I mean, why would you have old white men in the CIA at this point?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_07: I mean, seriously, if you really cared about national security, you would have the CIA be made up 100% of Latino women, and then you get them into relationships with suspected terrorists.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_07: Let me tell you something.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_07: Okay?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_07: Those terrorists would get away with saddle.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_07: Okay?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_07: Saddle, saddle, saddle.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_07: It's not gonna happen, Poppy.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_07: Trust me, I know, okay?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_07: She has microphones in my shoelaces right now.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_07: She says she's not here, but I smell the adobo.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_07: And makes me nervous, and then my surprises flares up.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_05: Getting very itchy.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_05: Do you remember when uh they announced the live action Beauty and the Beast?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_05: And they said that in the live action Beauty and the Beast there was gonna be a gay character.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, the right-wing fundamentalist Christians weren't happy.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_05: They were like, you can't have that in a Disney movie.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_05: A man loving another man, it's not natural.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_05: Not natural.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_05: That film is about a woman fucking a wildebeest.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, I mean, to be fair, I don't think I've taken that directly from the Disney Plus description.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_05: That's got to stop, hasn't it?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_05: Grown adults getting wound up about cartoons.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_05: It just happened with The Little Mermaid.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_05: Live action Little Mermaid, they announced the actress playing Ariel is mixed race.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_05: Racist Twitter wasn't happy.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_05: You can't have that, you can't have a mixed race Ariel.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_05: She's a mermaid.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_05: She is the most mixed race character that has ever been conceived.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_05: From the waist down, she's mixed grill.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_05: How desperately sad are you that you're trying to bring science into this discussion?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_05: He was like, it's not even scientifically possible, right?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_05: Because how, how would enough sunlight get down to the bottom of the ocean for the little mermaid skin to produce the melanin?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, I don't know.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_05: Why don't we ask the talking crab?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_05: Do you want to have a word with him?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_05: Well, I don't think you two are gonna get along, because he appears to be a Rastafarian.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_05: It's made believe.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_05: Who fucking cares?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_05: With that said, I guess the only thing they should have updated is the ending, right?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_05: If Verily is gonna be mixed race, it probably can't be happily ever after.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_05: If Vair Elise's mixed race, she's probably got to marry the prince and then get haranged by the British press and run away to do a Netflix documentary.