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Signs You've Healed After Your Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Extra special welcome to anybody who's new here.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, I would really encourage you to go back to episodes one and two, gives a really good overview of the podcast and an introduction to me and my work.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: For regular listeners, extra special welcome to you.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about healing after divorce, specifically signs or indicators that you are healed after your divorce.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's not, it's probably a lifelong kind of healing, right?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm what are we, golly, 11 years post-divorce, and a couple of years add on to that separation.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um and yes, I would say I'm really well healed, but if you're a regular listener, you would have heard me speak before about things that you know trip me up or activate me that might, you know, patterns that re-emerge.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so the healing, the healing continues well beyond just the divorce.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um and of course, it's not linear, it's not a straight line.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, two steps forward, one step back, a few sidesteps, a bit of a dance here, a bit of a dance there, and of course, we do tend to get pulled back into repeated patterns, childhood wounds, all the things.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm just going to step through some really simple, straightforward signs that you are healed, or at least healing after your divorce.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, number one, the divorce, the breakup no longer dominates your thinking every single waking moment.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: The breakup, the divorce, the negotiations are no longer playing on that constant loop in your head.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if that's where you're at at the moment, if that's the point where you are, know that it doesn't last forever.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've moved through that and it is no longer dominating your every waking moment, if it's no longer that constant loop going around and around and around over and over and over in your head, great sign you are on the way to healing.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, you're not talking about it quite so much.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You may not be talking about it very much at all.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that happened, but it's no longer at the forefront of your mind all the time, and you've got other things to talk about.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you first separate, when you're in the messy middle of divorce, it can sometimes be all-consuming.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: It is the only thing you talk about.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, talking about it is important to process, it's important to clarify your thoughts, it's important to get it out.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: But a great sign that you're on that healing path is that you're no longer talking about it quite so much or very much at all.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, you're no longer stuck or sitting in that what-if kind of thinking, mulling over, overthinking all the possible scenarios, all the things you could or should have done or not done or done differently.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're not wondering about the what-ifs anymore.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: You've accepted what happened, that it's past and it can't be changed, and you've actually started to shift your focus to the future.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So you've released yourself from that what if, that what if kind of thinking.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, you've forgiven yourself.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've forgiven yourself for your part in the unhealthy, unhappy relationship dynamic.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: You've forgiven yourself for your mistakes.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can be gentle and compassionate about it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're not beating yourself up about it, you're not tipping into a shame spiral about your role in the relationship and the divorce.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You've found ways to forgive yourself.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, you've integrated.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You've integrated the lessons, the learning, the mirror this relationship and this divorce held up, what it held up and showed you.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of your unique divorce story and what ultimately contributed to the ending and the breakdown of your marriage, your relationship, you know that there's shades of grey, that no one person is a hundred percent responsible.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about abusive relationships here, right?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be very clear on that.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: In the early stages of your divorce, it's really common to lay the blame, to finger point, to lay all of the blame on your ex.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: But as you move through, as you reflect, as you heal, you'll find that you're taking a more nuanced view.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You take ownership of your part of your stuff, acknowledging what you could have done differently, won't feel quite so big, quite so hard, or quite so threatening.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're working on your growth and you're integrating your learning so that you don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you've integrated, you've integrated the lessons.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, you're no longer sitting in all or nothing thinking or believing you'll always be alone, that you're doomed in love, or that any future relationship will end the same way this one did.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, or at least you're learning how to cultivate a happy, healthy, healed relationship, and you don't believe that you're doomed to be alone forever with just your cat.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven is forgiving others.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You've forgiven where and who you need to forgive, and you also know that forgiveness is done not for them, not for the other person, but for you.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: That forgiving is not about condoning any bad or shitty behavior that your ex might have engaged in, it's not about negating any pain that was caused, but you're forgiving to allow yourself peace.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're forgiving for you.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you've forgiven who you need to forgive.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, the mention of your ex, the prospect of bumping into them to him or to her unexpectedly, a text message popping up on your phone, or seeing a picture of them on social media no longer activates or triggers you.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And speaking of social media, you've stopped stalking them on social media if that was one part of what you did.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You've stopped compulsively checking Facebook or Instagram or not so casually kind of asking other people, even your kids, what your ex is up to.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're healed or at least on the healing path because you just don't have the interest or the time to be bothered, worrying about or wondering what your ex is up to.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's primarily because you're actually busy being invested and interested in your own life.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Number nine, memories have less emotional power.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can accept and you acknowledge that it wasn't all bad.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been here for a while, you've heard me refer before to my file of it's not all bad on my computer, which was stuff from our early days, our marriage, the kids' early years, to remind me that our marriage, our relationship was did have moments of great fun and joy and connection.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't all bad.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you accept and acknowledge that it wasn't all bad.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can remember the good times as well as sit with and accept the bad times or the hard moments.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the memories, when they pop up, no longer really control or dictate your emotions.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can think about or speak about them or just remember them as simply one part of your story.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have that same emotional power to influence how you feel.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are genuinely happy for your ex to be happy and moving on with their own life, or you are genuinely neutral about it.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't care that much at all.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can have gratitude for your relationship, the time you shared, the time you shared together, and you can also be genuinely happy that he or she is now happy in a different relationship, in a different chapter of their life.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you can actually be genuinely happy for your ex.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Strong indicator that you've healed.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Number 11 is that you have released yourself from the story of needing to be chosen.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You've released yourself from the need to be chosen.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to be chosen by someone else.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to be chosen by your ex.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you actually get to choose.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose, and you choose you.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: You've shifted from that beginning point of oh my god, I'll never get over this, I'll never get through this, to I really want to get over this, I really want to get through this, I want to move forward to a determined, I will move on, but where you're sounding more confident than you actually feel, but you've moved now to a deep knowing that I'm gonna be okay.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're not quite okay yet, you know you will be okay.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Really powerful sign of healing.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then you realize that you come to that point where you realize it's not just a throwaway line, it's not just a platitude, you actually believe it.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you will be okay, you know that it will be true for you, even if it's not right now.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me, there's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Number 12.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is a massive one, I think.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it is about comfort in being alone.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are 100% comfortable being alone, being on your own.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: You appreciate the difference between alone and lonely.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: You might want someone else in your life, but you don't need someone.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need someone else to fill the gap or fill the space that your previous relationship, your previous partnership has left.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're completely whole on your own.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: You are 100% comfortable being alone.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, fire sign you are healed, and then potentially ready to date again.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're happy alone, you don't need someone, you might want someone, but you don't need someone.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Number 13, sign that you are healed, or at least healing, is that you're filling your time with things that genuinely feel good, that light you up, that excite and that interest you.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're not hunkered down under the covers, you're not eating chocolate on the couch, binging Netflix all the time.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, that's fine at times, but you're actually out and about filling your time with things that feel good, that light you up, that excite and interest you.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing the things you love, exploring maybe new interests, new activities, you're trying those things that you've always wanted to try, or you're rediscovering the past interests you had maybe forgotten about, or that had that there was no space for when you were married, when you were in a relationship.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: So you're filling your time in ways that you want to fill your time, including sitting on the couch eating chocolate binge in Netflix.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number 14 is about your priorities.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: You are prioritizing you, you're prioritizing yourself, you're prioritizing your well-being, you're sleeping well, you're eating well, you're moving your body, you're tending to your mind, your heart, your soul.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: You are really taking good deep care of you, and you are prioritizing you.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know what you want, you know what you need, you know your values, you really know you, and you're making yourself your number one priority.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And my last indicator that you are healed is that you actually have hope for, and you can actually imagine a beautiful, magnificent future for yourself, and you're starting to create it for yourself, you're taking steps towards that future, the return of hope after the mess that divorce can be, the the storm of your divorce.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: The return of hope is like that rainbow after the storm of your divorce, and it's a really beautiful sign that you are healing or healed.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: So having hope for and being able to envisage a beautiful future for yourself and actively taking steps towards it is a surefire sign that you are healing or healed after your divorce.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, this is not an extensive list, these are just my top tips or top indicators that I see in clients that that show that my beautiful clients are well on their path to healing after divorce.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you have others, please reach out and share them.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'd love to chat in DMs on Instagram.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know what you think and what indicated for you that you felt healed after divorce.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um and if you know someone who's in the weeds, who's in the trenches, who's in the messy middle, this can be a really great episode for them to show that there is that rainbow coming for them.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's you, if you're in the trenches, know that your rainbow is coming.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: There are good things waiting for you after the storm of divorce.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, please share the episode with someone that you know who needs it.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you're down for it and you love the podcast, a rate review and follow on whatever platform you listen to or access your podcasts would be great because it means we get the podcast into the ears of a whole lot more humans who need to hear the messages of hope and rainbows after divorce.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Until then