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Transcript

Why A Controlling Person Fears You Talking to Their Ex · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Why does your abusive partner hide their ex?
• 0:04
  Why won't they let you meet their exes?
• 0:07
  Why do they spread such vicious rumors and just say the most
• 0:11
  negative horrid things about their ex but they still in
• 0:17
  contact with them? Why is that?
• 0:18
  Why y'all? Why?
• 0:19
  Why the hell is that right there?
• 0:21
  Of course, if you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
• 0:23
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist here to give you the inside look at
• 0:26
  the mind of an abusive person, right?
• 0:28
  Not just a narcissist person or just an abusive person, right,
• 0:30
  because I've been in therapy for nine years, but just think about
• 0:33
  it like this. Just just just rock vibe with me
• 0:35
  right here, lean, lean with me, rock with me right here.
• 0:39
  So from the very first day when you met this person, when you
• 0:42
  met the the love of your life, right, They just decided out of
• 0:47
  nowhere just to tell you that their exes we're we're crazy.
• 0:51
  Like they told you like you, you might have asked them yourself.
• 0:54
  You might have said, hey, look, why is money like you single?
• 0:56
  Well, let me tell you this story about my crazy ex did.
• 1:00
  My ex is the craziest person you will ever come across.
• 1:04
  Like trust me, you never want to talk to them again.
• 1:07
  Yes, I have to talk to them because we have kids together or
• 1:10
  we have a business together or we have to share a dog or
• 1:12
  whatever, right? I have to still talk to them.
• 1:14
  But you don't don't ever, ever, you don't ever need to talk to
• 1:19
  him. Why is that right?
• 1:21
  They warned you, they told you don't talk to them ever.
• 1:24
  But if you watch closely, if you just take out, if you take off
• 1:28
  the the Rose colored glasses that they gave you on your first
• 1:32
  date, they don't just avoid their ex.
• 1:34
  They're not avoiding them, right?
• 1:36
  They they don't avoid your ex. They are aggressively
• 1:39
  gatekeeping you from ever crossing their path, even if
• 1:42
  they're Co parenting, right? You might have met their kids,
• 1:44
  but you don't meet the ex and you might want to.
• 1:47
  Hey, look, can I meet your ex, please?
• 1:48
  I feel like it's just like because I'm around their kids, I
• 1:51
  should talk to them. I should be able to have a
• 1:53
  conversation with them to make sure we're on the same page.
• 1:55
  No, why would you need to do that?
• 1:58
  I can do that. Let me be the bridge because no,
• 2:01
  because I don't want them getting into your head and
• 2:03
  saying crazy things and trying to manipulate you like they did
• 2:06
  me. No, don't do that.
• 2:09
  Now. They are not protecting you.
• 2:11
  They make, they're trying to make it seem like they're been a
• 2:12
  hero for you, right? They're not protecting you from
• 2:14
  their crazy ex. What they're doing is protecting
• 2:17
  themselves from you finding out the truth from you finding out
• 2:22
  who they really are, what actually happened in the
• 2:25
  previous relationship. Because so many people don't get
• 2:28
  the opportunity, right? So many people don't get the
• 2:30
  opportunity to actually know what happened in the previous
• 2:34
  relationship, right? So many people.
• 2:35
  Really. You really don't.
• 2:36
  I know y'all know. You're like, yeah, Lee, you're
• 2:37
  right. I I never got the opportunity to
• 2:40
  know what happened to previous relationship.
• 2:42
  The only thing I got was what they told me.
• 2:46
  Like the only thing that you know about their exes is what
• 2:48
  they decided to tell you. Am I right or am I right?
• 2:54
  I'm right. I know the only thing you know
• 2:57
  about the ex is what they decided to share with you.
• 2:59
  Look, I can't tell you much, but my ex is crazy.
• 3:02
  You don't know who they are. You don't know who they are
• 3:05
  because that narcissistic person, you're abusive, they're
• 3:08
  your newly abusive partner, does not want you to know the truth.
• 3:11
  They want to control the narrative about everything that
• 3:15
  has been said or everything that will be said because that
• 3:18
  benefits them at the end of the day, it really does.
• 3:22
  It 100% benefits them to control the narrative to keep you from
• 3:27
  meeting the ex. Because guess what happens if
• 3:29
  you meet the ex? It's like the, the, it's like
• 3:31
  the mask comes off like you meet the ex, you, you understand that
• 3:37
  they are lying. You understand that they are
• 3:39
  manipulative and that's why you get a lot of time.
• 3:42
  It's not even, yeah, it's not even just the X.
• 3:44
  Let me just say, it's not even the X.
• 3:46
  Sometimes that narcissistic person won't even or abusive
• 3:49
  person won't even let you meet their family.
• 3:54
  They won't even let you meet their family and friends, right.
• 3:56
  They won't let you let you meet their family or friends,
• 3:58
  anybody. They keep you completely
• 4:00
  separate and cut off and things like that.
• 4:03
  That's what they do. I mean, just telling that this
• 4:05
  is what they do. And yes, a lot of them enjoy
• 4:08
  doing this because they get a benefit out of it.
• 4:11
  They get a benefit out of messing with you.
• 4:12
  They get a benefit out of keeping y'all separated.
• 4:15
  Because the more separated you are, the greater control I have,
• 4:21
  right? The more separated you are, the
• 4:24
  more power that I have. Because a manipulative,
• 4:28
  controlling, abusive person, right relies on you believing
• 4:33
  their story. They, they, they want you to
• 4:37
  believe this. This connection with you is
• 4:40
  unique. They have to get you to believe
• 4:43
  the love bombing. I've never felt this way about
• 4:46
  anybody other than you. If you were to talk to their ex
• 4:49
  or exes, they would say, hey, look, they said the same thing
• 4:52
  to me. They gave me red.
• 4:54
  They gave me pink roses and A and a, a schnitzu, a a Shih Tzu
• 4:58
  puppy, right on our second date. Do you have a Shih Tzu?
• 5:02
  Oh, you do you see what I'm saying they have a script that
• 5:05
  they want to follow and guess what ends up happening if you
• 5:08
  connect with the X, the script gets thrown out of the window
• 5:13
  and I like my script. I love my script.
• 5:18
  Why would I want this to go out the window right?
• 5:21
  Why would I want the script to go to get thrown away?
• 5:24
  Why would I want that to happen? I don't want that to happen.
• 5:27
  I want my I like my script. I need my script.
• 5:31
  So this is what goes on right here.
• 5:33
  Y'all, that's what I'm just telling you.
• 5:34
  This is the same thing that keeps is going to keep going on
• 5:36
  keep going on because they why would they stop it?
• 5:39
  They they do enjoy it, Y'all. They enjoy controlling the
• 5:42
  narrative and having they isn't having this power and stuff like
• 5:45
  that over the conversations and over the other person.
• 5:49
  They love it. They love it right, because if,
• 5:54
  and guess what ends up happening?
• 5:55
  Y'all know the the patterns go like this.
• 5:58
  They tell you that their ex is crazy, right?
• 6:01
  They tell you anybody they tell you and anybody else who will
• 6:04
  listen that the X is crazy. Don't believe them.
• 6:07
  They're a liar. They manipulate, they stink.
• 6:10
  They do this, they do that like they're going to tell you all of
• 6:14
  this, but you know damn well, because it at the end of the
• 6:17
  day, what's end up happening? The patterns say you're going to
• 6:21
  be the crazy X next. You are.
• 6:26
  They're going to love bomb you, manipulate you, get what they
• 6:29
  want from you, do what they need to do right?
• 6:32
  And then once the relationship ends or comes to a comes to an
• 6:36
  inevitable stop after they cheat on you, beat on you, lie to you,
• 6:40
  do the same thing that they've done in the past, guess what?
• 6:43
  You're going to be the crazy ex. And what ends up happening?
• 6:48
  What ends up happening? Sometimes the ex wants to warn
• 6:51
  you, right? So if that narcissistic person
• 6:54
  can get to you first, can convince you that the X is
• 6:57
  crazy, right? You don't, they don't know
• 7:00
  there's danger. They're very crazy.
• 7:02
  If they can convince you that the X is crazy and then the X
• 7:05
  actually reaches out to you, guess what?
• 7:08
  That benefits the narcissist, right?
• 7:11
  That benefits the abuser because they going to say you, you're
• 7:14
  going to say, hey, look, my new Boo told me that you were crazy.
• 7:18
  They told me that you will reach out.
• 7:19
  So thanks, but no thanks. I'm in love, We're in love.
• 7:24
  You don't know them like you do, like I do.
• 7:27
  Sorry you got treated that way, but they're not, they're not
• 7:29
  going to treat me that way. And yes, I do have, they did
• 7:31
  give me rose colored glasses, but that's happened.
• 7:33
  That has nothing to do with how I see them or how I see you.
• 7:36
  Did that sound familiar? Has some of y'all actually said
• 7:41
  that to somebody who's reached out to you?
• 7:43
  Has any of y'all ever said that to somebody that's contacted
• 7:46
  you? Because some of y'all probably
• 7:47
  have, right? Some of y'all have probably
• 7:49
  absolutely said that to somebody that's reached out to you.
• 7:52
  They tried to help you deal with your narcissistic partner,
• 7:55
  right? They try to help you deal with
• 7:56
  your narcissistic. They did the new person, but you
• 7:59
  didn't believe them. But now you do.
• 8:00
  Now you see them for who they really are.
• 8:02
  And sometimes what ends up happening when your relationship
• 8:05
  ends, you might contact that X that tried to reach out or the
• 8:09
  previous X and they'll just expose it.
• 8:11
  I don't know. No, they're lying.
• 8:13
  I'm not crazy. I'm saying they were lying about
• 8:17
  me the whole time to try to control you.
• 8:19
  They were lying about me to control you.
• 8:22
  They lied to me that they did the same thing to me.
• 8:24
  They lied to me about their previous ex and the same thing
• 8:27
  happened. They are crazy.
• 8:29
  This is a pattern. This is going to keep going on
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  and on and on. This doesn't stop, right?
• 8:35
  Because you got to ask yourself, like, why would this stop?
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  This doesn't stop because there's no benefit in stopping
• 8:40
  it. Not for this abusive person, not
• 8:42
  for this narcissist, right? There's no benefit in them
• 8:45
  stopping it. They want it.
• 8:46
  They, they want control. They want power, they want all
• 8:50
  of this other stuff that's going to benefit them directly.
• 8:53
  So This is why they're going to keep doing what they do because
• 8:56
  there is a benefit in it for you, not for not for you for
• 8:59
  them. That's why they do this type of
• 9:01
  stuff, right? And This is why you have to stay
• 9:03
  in power. You have to stay strong.
• 9:05
  If you get into a new relationship and that person is
• 9:07
  calling their exes crazy, yo, that's a red flag.
• 9:11
  That's red flaggy. That's red flaggish.
• 9:14
  Y'all know what I'm saying? That's red flaggy.
• 9:15
  That's red flaggish. That's why it's important for
• 9:18
  you to recognize that this type of stuff is going on, that
• 9:20
  they're spreading rumors that they're lying, right?
• 9:23
  Because not, not everybody's ex is crazy.
• 9:30
  I feel like that goes what I'm saying, right?
• 9:31
  Not everybody has, you might have a crazy ex, right?
• 9:33
  You might have had a narcissistic person in the past
• 9:36
  that you've dealt with. So you might vibe with them and
• 9:39
  believe them because you yourself have had a, had a crazy
• 9:42
  ex. You're healing from narcissistic
• 9:44
  abuse and you have your crazy ex.
• 9:46
  You get it right? Sometimes y'all will bond over
• 9:50
  crazy exes and you're the only actual person that that has a
• 9:54
  crazy ex, right? Not right.
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  They don't have a crazy ex. They are the crazy ex.
• 10:00
  They are the horrible person. They are the liar.
• 10:02
  They are the cheater because this is the most common lie
• 10:05
  here, right here, right? Most common lie.
• 10:07
  One of one of the most common lies that I hear when I'm
• 10:10
  talking to survivors, when I'm doing my one on ones over zoom
• 10:12
  and whatnot, phone calls, mental illness.net is that they they'll
• 10:17
  say something like, well, I just my ex just cheated on me
• 10:19
  multiple times and I just don't I couldn't get over it.
• 10:22
  Boom, they're lying, right? Turns out that they turns out
• 10:26
  that they are the actual cheater.
• 10:28
  Turns out that they are the actual liar.
• 10:30
  Turns out that they are the actual manipulator, the ass
• 10:33
  beater, the whatever the case may be, right?
• 10:35
  Turns out that this is who they actually are, not who the
• 10:38
  partner is, not who the ex is. Again, you're going to be be the
• 10:42
  crazy ex, right? If you believe all their exes
• 10:45
  are crazy, you won't, you won't stop believing it until you, you
• 10:48
  become the crazy ex. Even though you haven't done
• 10:50
  anything wrong. They're going to call you the
• 10:52
  crazy ex. They're going to paint this
• 10:53
  image of you being a crazy ex and like, yeah, I'll close it
• 10:56
  off with this right here. Not every single one of them is
• 10:58
  going to say their exes are crazy.
• 11:00
  Some of them will actually say that their exes were amazing.
• 11:05
  They're going to use the fact that they had a good ex, an
• 11:07
  amazing ex right here to manipulate you.
• 11:10
  They're going to say, hey, look, my ex was an amazing person.
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  My ex did this, My ex did that. My ex is a lovely, lovely,
• 11:18
  amazing person and they're going to use that to control you
• 11:21
  because they're always be comparing and contrasting.
• 11:24
  What is going on here, right? They'll always be comparing and
• 11:28
  contrasting and just saying, hey, look, this is what's going
• 11:30
  on. Hey, look, this is what's
• 11:31
  happening. And they'll tell you, my ex
• 11:35
  never did that. My ex did this.
• 11:37
  My ex never did that. My ex, my ex always did this, My
• 11:40
  ex didn't do that, right? They're always be comparing and
• 11:42
  contrasting you to make you feel like you're not doing enough, to
• 11:45
  make you feel like you need to do more, to make you feel like
• 11:48
  you yourself are not enough, regardless of how much work you
• 11:51
  put in, regardless of how much effort in time, effort and
• 11:53
  energy you put in, right. So that's just something to
• 11:55
  think about y'all. Anyways, New York City, June the
• 11:59
  2nd, I'm there for my, my live in person Q&A event in New York
• 12:04
  City, I'll be there. June the 2nd, June 2, New York
• 12:08
  City, I'll be there. Like I said, if y'all are
• 12:10
  interested in it, go to mentalillness.net slash events.
• 12:14
  And also y'all, if you made it this far, make sure I'm thinking
• 12:17
  about changing the name of my podcast.
• 12:18
  You haven't followed my podcast. It's called the mental illness
• 12:20
  podcast. Check it out.
• 12:21
  Right. I'm thinking about changing the
• 12:23
  name of it y'all to something smooth.
• 12:26
  Anyways, I'm just going to drop it.
• 12:27
  I'm just going to drop it. Appreciate y'all peace.