Latest / Twin Mom Life / Why Co-Regulation is the Missing Link in Parenting Twins and How to Fix It with Nurturing Twins
Transcript
- Jessielee Sittig: Hello and welcome to the Twin Mom Life podcast. I'm your host, Jess. I created this podcast to help build community, connection, and most importantly, friendships among moms of multiples. Being a twin mom can be amazing and magical. That twin bond is unlike anything I've ever witnessed, but it can also be isolating and overwhelming. I'll be chatting with other twin moms, diving deep into the twin experience. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy twin mom life to listen along. I hope this podcast shed some light on a topic that's been on your heart and gave you more confidence as a twin mama. If you know a twin mom, please send this her way. If you like what you heard today, please subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. Check out the show notes to be connected with today's guest and get discount codes for brands I love. See you next Thursday. Until then. giving advice on what works for us so you don't have to learn the hard way. Juggling two babies at the same time is challenging, but I'm confident we can learn from each other and figure out how to raise these babies together. You are made for this. I'm happy to have you on the podcast. Welcome, Alaina How are you doing? Alaina: I'm good, I'm so glad to be here. Jessielee Sittig: Yes, me too. So we have Alaina from Nurturing Twins today. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Alaina: Yeah, so I'm a mom to two and a half year old, di di identical girl twins. kids are pretty close in age. ⁓ I am a nurture neuroscience practitioner in training ⁓ passionate supporting and uniting mothers with their babies and resourcing moms of multiples to be confident and in ⁓ their motherhood and in attachment focused way. Jessielee Sittig: And I can't wait to get into it. feel like all the resources that you offer, like your sleep guide, your village community, it's just all stuff that moms really need. And I knew we talking about this off air. There's a lot of resources that are not twin specific. And I love that you saw that there was lacking and that you created it. So before we really dive into it, I always try to ask every mom what they did today to fill their own cup, or if you have plans to do that later. So. Any plans to fill your cup today? Alaina: Yeah, so earlier today we had our monthly Mother's Circle within the Nurturing Twins Village and that is always my favorite call that I hop on every month because it's just a connected, ⁓ beautiful, ⁓ moment bond with other moms who are navigating the same ⁓ experiences that am, maybe at different ages or stages of development with their babies, but Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Alaina: it's just magical when twin moms get together, right? When we are able to lock eyes with each other and say, I see you, I see what we are doing together. This is a worthy effort that we are doing. And yeah, just to hold space. So that was incredibly nourishing for me. And I had a big cup of coffee alongside it because eternally tired. ⁓ that's ⁓ toddlers will do that for you. Yes. Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Yes. Twin toddlers will do that too. Absolutely. I love that community is so important. So tomorrow we have an in-person twin mom playdate. I'm so excited. We had one. ⁓ it's been so fun. We had one two months ago. It was so great. I was so nervous. Like I'm going to show up and be the only one there with my kids. And it sold out. Like it's just like moms want. Alaina: I'm so excited for you. amazing. Jessielee Sittig: community. And so I'm excited for the one tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. for me, that's going to fill my cup. I'm really looking forward to that as well. And today I was telling you this earlier offline, but my daughter had her kinder graduation pictures today and I got to go volunteer and help with that. And it was so ⁓ and sweet. All of these kindergartners are so excited ⁓ maybe a little nervous. Like I feel like my daughter looks a little bit scared ⁓ her picture. ⁓ Alaina: course. Jessielee Sittig: But you know, they have on the cap and gown and they're holding a little diploma. It's so sweet. that really filled. Yes. it's been a little bit of an day like with that and my daughter's like first tooth is loose. ⁓ I'm like, I'm not ready for these like milestones. I feel like. Alaina: So emotional, ⁓ my goodness. No. Yes. I feel like sometimes they do just all hit at once too. Like I remember when my daughter's, it was funny. was like right when they turned seven months, they both the same day within like 30 minutes of each other, I felt the first tooth coming in for each of them and they both started crawling. And I was like, what is happening? It was too much at once. Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Like, slow down! Were they pretty in sync with their milestones like that? Alaina: Generally, yeah, I would say like sometimes they would take turns with one taking the lead on some things more than the other, but they were always like kind of eerily in sync. ⁓ say the biggest gap we had was with walking. Like one walked around like 10 and a half months and the other one like right on her birthday. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm, pretty neck and neck. Mm-hmm. ⁓ I feel like 10 and a half months is kind of early. very, yeah, that's, you're like, again, slow down, please. ⁓ Well, and I had pretty late walkers. My daughter was like, whatever consider average, it was right around her first birthday that she was taking steps. And my sons were 15 and 17 months, which I will tell you as a twin mom, I wasn't mad about it. I'm like, let's take that, let's take this slow, guys, it's fine. Alaina: It is. Yes, yeah, mommy needs a break. Okay, yeah. See, I felt the opposite. I was so anxious when I would go to library story times and I would see moms who were walking around with the one baby who was learning how to walk and I was like, how am I gonna be able to do this with two of them? I'm not gonna be able to support them both at the same time. It doesn't feel fair, which, ugh, such a common reverberating message in the back of every twin mom's head. It's not fair. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to balance it? Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: And then it's like, you know, God just like gifted me like one of them just like really quickly took to it. And then when the next one was ready, she was just like ready. And I was like, OK, we don't actually have to figure this out at the same time. That's a blessing. Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Right. Yes. Well, and it's kind of fun too when things end up being like easier than you hope. So that was like the case with my daughter and moving into a big girl bed. We were like prepared for it to be just like her coming out of her room and her not sleeping. Nope. It was so easy. Like she just went right to sleep. And we were like, this is a miracle. I don't know if it's going to be the same with my boys. They're still in the crib, but I can cross my fingers that hopefully it'll be easier than I expect. Alaina: Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. say the interesting thing with sleep is that ⁓ so much of it just does come down to temperament. like there's only so much that we can do. We can give children the exact same environment. I see this all the time with the families I consult with where, you know, they have the exact same environment or they've, you know, they have multiple other children before they have their twins and they've done the same thing and yet they're getting all these different outcomes. And a huge part of that is like understanding. Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Alaina: the individual temperament of each of your babies and how their sensory needs, just how their nervous system priming might make them more resistant to certain things or more receptive to other things. So that was just a total aside. They might do great. They might need some support. If you need it, let me know. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: Yes, well, okay, and let's get into that. So can you tell us about how you got the idea for nurturing twins and your motivation behind that and when you got it started? Alaina: Yeah, totally. I, gosh, I guess it was just over a year ago, I decided to start sharing publicly more about my experience with raising my girls. And I had just been using my own personal Instagram the way that everybody does, like sharing cute pictures. I don't share my kids online, so I wasn't sharing their faces, but. everything but basically, you know, talking about how we clothed diaper, talking about this, talking about that, sharing my life because it felt like a good outlet as a stay at home mom. ⁓ I had the opportunity to connect with several other twin moms, but I just felt like all of the things that mattered to me in ⁓ my values approaching motherhood, it was incredibly challenging to find any sort of resources. that included twins even, not even twin specific, but even included twins. daughters have always been ⁓ Velcro They've always been higher support needs in several ways. ⁓ And I just having navigated, had a really difficult pregnancy. had a HG in my pregnancy and... ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm, I'm so sorry. Alaina: had a really complicated, frankly traumatic birth and a NICU stay afterwards. so both for myself and my babies, felt essential to do things in a way that felt incredibly aligned and not necessarily what I was seeing in all of the twin books that I was reading or the resources that I found online that were really emphasizing how I had to keep them on the exact same schedule or I had to have ⁓ pretty clear set routine. multiple cribs, multiple containers, all of that good stuff just didn't resonate for me. And I was Googling basically from the moment that I found out I was having twins, how am gonna baby wear two babies? Like I had this vision in my head of, know, okay, I'm gonna baby wear my baby when they wanna sleep for naps and you know, maybe I'll get a crib, but maybe I'll let them sleep in my bed with me, you know, like. Jessielee Sittig: Mmm. Alaina: I knew I wanted a breastfeed, but I didn't understand how any of these things were gonna be possible with two babies. And not only did I have my own internal doubts about this, but everywhere I turned, everyone that I met, every resource I found was just kind of saying like, don't get your hopes up too high, you know? And I felt like twin moms deserve better than that. not only ⁓ did I have my own internal doubts about this, but ⁓ everywhere I turned, everyone that I met, every resource I found just kind of saying like, don't get your hopes up high, you know? And ⁓ I felt like twin moms deserve better than that. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Hmm. Alaina: You my lived experience is my own and ⁓ I have been able to... ⁓ have a really redemptive postpartum despite having such a hard start to our life together. But part of that, it was very hard fought. It was not at all like, ⁓ I did this just because it was easy. Like, no, I fought for every single latch. I fought for ⁓ building trust in my daughters with me again after what we endured with the NICU. I fought for learning how to safely bed share with two babies when pretty much all resources. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Mm. Alaina: tell you that that's not possible. Baby wearing, I figured out how to baby wear two babies, but again, I realized as soon as I was able to ⁓ emerge ⁓ the really of the first year that I wanted to be able to ⁓ alchemize experience, not only share what had worked for me, but also to help ⁓ bridge gap. for other twin moms and bring us together so that we could resource each other. Because so much of what was so nutritive for me in my experience was not just the things that I found online or the books that I read or whatever, but it was actually heart-to-heart connections with other twin moms who were saying, this is what worked for us. This is what I did. This is what I appreciated. This is what I found. And synthesizing all of that together, putting it into practice. Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Alaina: finding evidence-based research to support it and sort of integrating all of that together. So Nurturing Twins was born just as a little Instagram page saying, we'll see how this goes, you know, just over a year ago. And now there's over 7,000 of us who've gathered to, you know, share our perspectives on parenting our twins, on navigating ⁓ from a place of connection, ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Alaina: baby wearing and figuring out how to start solids and navigating tandem breastfeeding and all of the good things and all of the hard things, but we're doing it together and it's been so beautiful. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. I love that. And I feel like you were kind of touching on this is there is a lot of negativity around twins being pregnant with twins, like, just you wait, which I just can't stand because I like to approach it with a, ⁓ just you wait until you see their bond or until you experience that. Don't get me wrong. Having twins is challenging. And there are moments where I find myself taking deep breaths, but overall it is the most Alaina: Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: magical experience that I've that I've had in motherhood. It's it's beyond special. So I feel like Alaina: Totally. Yeah, and you have the unique perspective of you already have your daughter first. Like, twins were my first, so I only know twins. But you can probably speak to the reality that ⁓ a mom, no matter what, is hard, right? Like, having ⁓ baby, navigating motherhood and the initiation of that for the first time is hard. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. You know, what's crazy is my postpartum with my daughter was actually significantly harder than my postpartum with my my sons. And I feel like that was kind of my redemptive postpartum. I was very scared to have any more children after my daughter. You she was born in COVID times. It was weird. It was just a weird time. It was a weird time to be a mom. I was so isolated. And of course, having twins and having newborn twins was challenging in its own ways. But I just was so much Alaina: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: I was very supported and had community around me and that really made quite a big difference. And it just echoes the importance of community. And I really didn't have like that twin community yet. It was really like support from my family and friends and neighbors, which was amazing. And then now finding this twin community has been really special. I love my, my friends who have singletons. They're amazing, but there are some aspects of twin motherhood that they just can't understand. And one thing you were mentioning when you were talking about sleep and stuff, I, you know, with our daughter was just terrified of anything. was, to be quite honest, I was so afraid she was going to die. I had two miscarriages before her and I was so scared of anything. So with sleep, was like watching her afraid she was going to stop breathing. And it was so interesting with the boys when they were born, they were placed in separate bassinets. Alaina: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: and they were screen crying, you know, and we placed them together. ⁓ my gosh, I wish I wish I would have gotten that moment on camera. They just melted into each other and they stopped crying. And from that moment, we found a way that we were comfortable with for them to sleep together in a bassinet because they liked it. When we kept them separate, they, it was like they were so used to that contact, but that's what their comfort was. So I love that you're providing the sleep guide. Alaina: Mm hmm. You turn inward. Yeah. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: So moms can figure out how to safely do things like that because however you want your motherhood to look can look that way. You're not placed into this box that you're separate. You can't do this. You can't do that just because you have twins. Alaina: Totally, yeah, so much of the approach just for all moms, but especially for twin moms is fear-based and I would argue scarcity-based. That there is not enough of you, that you don't have enough resources, time, breast milk, whatever it is, like you don't have enough, whatever. And it breaks my heart because truly the reality is, is we are living in a miracle, we are living in abundance. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: We have two babies that we carried, birthed, and are caring for, bringing into the world. And not only is their bond so precious, but the bond between you as a mother and them together, you know, in the lactation world, they talk about the mother-baby dyad of how when you're approaching, you know, a mother and her baby in their breastfeeding relationship that you're approaching three patients. So you're approaching the mother, you're approaching the baby, and you're approaching the mother-baby ⁓ as a whole because humans are exogestators. So after we give birth, our babies are not done gestating. They're not done developing. They actually need ⁓ us as mammals to ⁓ have on our skin as much as possible to ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: attune to them to give them the feedback that they need in order for them to develop properly. So when babies, you know, we look at this with like Romanian orphanages and stuff like that, where when babies are not getting that caregiving consistently in this incredibly integral stage, we see massive deficits ⁓ harm incurred. And the ⁓ beauty is, is when we ⁓ The opposite is true, right? Like when we are present in a tune and connected with our babies, it's not only incredibly enriching and supportive for them to be able to develop the way that they're meant to, but it's also so incredibly enriching and supportive for us as mothers, like for mothers and fathers. recently I was learning this and it kind of blew my mind. The areas of the brain that are active in infancy, like, that are primarily being formed and developed are the same areas of the brain that become incredibly plastic in the parents during this phase of infancy. So from pregnancy through the first three years of life. And I don't think that's an accident. It's actually an opportunity for us, like we were talking about off camera, for us to be able to repair and work through maybe things where there were deficits in our nurture. Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Hmm. Alaina: not blaming at all, but just the fact that, you know, sometimes our experiences were not what they needed to be. But in our parenthood, in our motherhood, we have the opportunity to be able to revise and to buffer those systems that are really built around stress and context and memory. We're able to bolster them to have a more expanded stress response, to have more functional connectivity. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: in the way as to be able to build more regulation skills. So I know that you probably don't feel like your brain feels the way that it did before you had your babies and me either. And that is intentional. And you might not feel like you're as regulated as you would like to be. But the reality is, is as a mother, you are constantly co-regulating day and night with your babies. for the entirety of their infancy, whether you're intentionally doing so or not, you're teaching them, they're learning from your behavior and the way that you're responding to them. They're building their brains and you're building yours too. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, so it's so interesting. I wasn't planning on sharing this, but I feel like I experienced some pretty bad mom rage after the boys were born. feel like I overall was a good postpartum, but there were some moments, especially trying to manage a toddler and twin newborns where I was so overwhelmed that I would snap. And then I was like, where did that just come from? That is not the mom that I want to be. I... Alaina: Mmm. Jessielee Sittig: that a lot of like introspection on like, what's going on here? This isn't like the motherhood that I want to live. I don't want everyone to be walking on eggshells around mom like, ⁓ when she gonna when she gonna snap when she gonna yell. That's not like how I wanted to do motherhood. So I really had to write a lot of mantras down and figure out how to move forward in a more positive way. And it was really interesting how much that I would think like if I as a, I'm almost 37. So this was a few years ago when my boys were newborns. But if I as an almost 40 year old adult, I'm having trouble regulating, then my toddler who is three is really going to be struggling. So it just was interesting, an interesting time. And I had to do a lot of work because that wasn't the kind of mom that I wanted to be. So it's just such a good reminder that like, Alaina: Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: If you're seeing those types of things, like that isn't what your mother, has to be like, and it can change and you can evolve and grow and work on skills and apologize. you know, we were talking about repair and I feel like that has been a really big thing in our generation. I'm so thankful. ⁓ nothing wrong with apologizing to your children. we're not perfect humans. If you snap or you say something that you wish that you wouldn't have. Apologizing is modeling good behavior. Like we all make mistakes and apologizing. think you said earlier off camera, like apologizing doesn't make you weak. And in all other relationships, you repair them. That's, that's what you do. And maybe in different generations, it wasn't seen that way. It was seen as weak for a parent to apologize to their child. So I love that, that that's like a big shift that I feel like I'm seeing in ⁓ generation, you know, ⁓ parenthood. Alaina: Yeah. Totally. Yeah, I think too, like, people ⁓ so much about being consistent in their responsivity. And finally, ⁓ used to work as a behavior therapist, like in the applied behavior analysis sort of world. I was pursuing a master's in that before. was like, actually, this is not my calling. But, ⁓ you it's like people feel like if I'm not consistently giving the same, you know, it's like very like discipline minded, very much behaviorism where it's like if I... ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: crack now if I said that before then these kids aren't gonna respect me whereas like the reality is is if your adult brain like you said if your body is so overwhelmed that you're freaking out their little bodies don't even have like they don't even have the brain scaffolding or the infrastructure yet developed to even like have a logical thought on a in a good moment much less when things are melting down so bringing ourselves back to that understanding and not even necessarily having to do any sort of big grand thing, but just instituting a pause. Like I notice myself, I feel the heat rising in my chest. I'm feeling my hands like, ⁓ know, like the back of my head is feeling like, Take a breath. Take a pause, pause, orient yourself. Feel your feet underneath you. Look around you, look at your little children. You love them with your entire heart. They're having a hard time, they're not giving you a hard time. Just verbalize what you're going through. Sometimes I like to sing it, that sounds kind of silly, but sometimes I'll just be like, mama's overwhelmed. It helps, and you know what too, that actually stimulates your vagus nerve, which is the biggest nerve in your body that travels down from your brain to your belly, that actually helps your body to chill and hit the rest and digest. And so like... Jessielee Sittig: Nope, I totally agree. will start. Yep. Alaina: I'm a big fan of singing, if you're freaking out. I'm a big fan of just stopping and saying, ⁓ man, mommy didn't say that nice. That's not how mommies are supposed to talk to their babies. I'm sorry, I was overwhelmed. Can you help me take some deep breaths? Or let's try it a better way. Let's say it a better way. It's so funny, because if my daughters are being little snappy with me, I'm like, hey, say it a better way. And so now they're mirroring it back to me as beautiful little mirrors do. And they're like, say it a better way. Like, all right. Jessielee Sittig: Like, okay, it's working. Like what we're doing is good. I love that the tip of singing. So as I mentioned, when I was going through that period of kind of experiencing this mom rage, I was like, who am I? This is not me. How can I fix this? And I was trying to look at all these like practical tips. One was absolutely singing like what a great way to change ⁓ your mood everyone's mood and kind of make it Alaina: Let's try it again, you know? Jessielee Sittig: like turning a really chaotic, overwhelming moment to be kind of like silly and kind of shake it off a little bit. And sitting down really helped me. Like if I was standing up, I would like find a seat on the floor. Yes. I'm like, I don't need to be in this, um, like, I don't know, like this kind of posture where I'm like up and feeling enraged, like, no, like let's relax the posture. Let's sit down if we need to let's play music. Let's sing. Those were all things that really helped me. Alaina: Yeah, yeah. getting up. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: And it was really wild. Like the times that I would snap and just absolutely regret what happened. I would look at the scene and be like, I only added chaos to the chaos. Did yelling help? No, it just made everything significantly worse actually. And then the times where I was able to, you don't have to respond right away. Like what you said, you took a pause. You're like, okay. And there were times too where I would be like, mommy has to go to the bathroom. Alaina: Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: And I'm going to walk away for a minute and take a breath and I will come right back and then like and do a reset. And in our house, we say like, let's do a redo. So I would like the same thing. I'd be like, I didn't really like the way that that came out my tone. Can I do a redo? So it's cute. My kids will do the same thing. Like, yeah, yeah. It's, it's been fun to look back and just be like, okay, that wasn't the motherhood that I wanted. And Alaina: I love it. Jessielee Sittig: that isn't the kind of person that I wanted to be. And I don't really know where that came from. Like my parents weren't big yellers or like, I don't ever remember my mom like having this. I hate to even call it mom, right? But you know, I feel like that's the term. Yes. Yeah. Alaina: Yeah. That's the term that's often used. Yeah, part of it I do think is just like we retreat back to fight or flight when we feel like we are kind of at the base of ourselves. so early postpartum, it's so easy to be activated because like our bodies are coming off of a huge hormone cascade, like crazy, crazy big. And you know, you're depleted like physiologically. You might not be eating enough, you might not be drinking enough. I know you're not sleeping enough, because who is? Early postpartum, you're gonna be eating. So yeah, give yourself all the grace. I feel like any mom who claims not to have dealt with any mom rage is not being honest with herself because motherhood unlocks a new layer of just being. And that comes with incredible beauty and like... Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Alaina: a dark shadow as well sometimes and being able to like witness that and to feel that in yourself and not give yourself blame but instead to pause and reflect and like all of the strategies you already mentioned to give yourself the grace and give your children the grace will help you to actually be able to shift from that. You know what mean? Jessielee Sittig: Well, and helped me to like writing things down, like having these mantras that I would say before the day. And I don't have to do that anymore. I mean, I can still say them to myself, but it was... Yes, yes. Alaina: Yeah, you've already integrated them enough. And that's the cool thing about neuroplasticity is like, that's the phrase that's used to describe how the brain can change itself in response to its environment. And most of the ways in which that is done are sort of automatic. They're not things you really think about. I like to describe it as, know, when you're trying to carve out a new pathway, it's sort of like when you're driving a new route somewhere that you've been before, maybe you haven't been before. And so you're kind of like, Looking around, you're like, was that my turn? You know, everything is a little bit confusing. You're afraid you're gonna get lost. And then over time, you drive that route again and it still feels uncomfortable. Maybe you're not even in your normal car, so everything feels a little bit weird. But the more that you practice it, ⁓ day you're driving that route and you just space out and you're like, ⁓ my gosh, I'm already there. I don't even remember getting there. Our brains love ⁓ just to have a set, this is the routine, this is the way things go. ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: You know, and so like it's part of why we have so many of the common automatic thoughts that come up where if this was your norm for a long time, it's just going to be kind of the way it is. It's a little like Pavlovian, like I hear this or, you know, like I see this, I think about I want to have a soda or whatever. You know what mean? And so carving out a new pathway is going to be more uncomfortable at first and it's going to take a lot more effort and repetition. And when we buffer it with Jessielee Sittig: Sure. Alaina: oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone which we get from giving of ourselves to our babies and being radically present with them. It makes it easier. And then one day, like you said, you wake up and you're like, oh, I can't even remember the last time I said my affirmations. And I don't need to anymore. I've already integrated them into myself. It's part of me now. Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Mm hmm. Yeah, I feel like when I found out I was pregnant with twins. so we used to all I was fine having an only child like I had such a hard postpartum. I was an only child. So I'm like, yeah, we could have one and we would always say for sure one, maybe two, never three. Funny, right? So I feel like I had a lot of fear around managing three children coming from an only child household. How am I going to do that? I had three under three. So I feel like there was a lot of fear. So a lot of my affirmations were, am a strong, confident leader. I was chosen to be their mom and I can handle their emotions. Their emotions don't scare me. Things like that really, really helped me to remember that I'm a calm, confident leader. I can help them through this. And me adding chaos. to the situation is never going to help anyone regulate, including myself. So I feel like all those things really helped me. And I love hearing the science behind like the neuroplasticity and all that stuff is so interesting that like you can learn new tricks. Alaina: Totally. Yes, you can. And that also goes back to even what you were talking about earlier about, you know, having the realization this is not the mother I want to be. Like, it doesn't matter if your twins are two days old or 20 years old. Like, you're still capable of choosing your motherhood and choosing the way that you're going to proceed going forward, you know? And so I don't ever want someone to feel like, ⁓ well, because I did XYZ or, you know, I blew up at them or... Maybe, you know, I did something that felt out of alignment from the way that I want to mother. It's all ruined now. It's not. It's not ruined. You're still in relationship. And repair is such a beautiful thing to model and to teach and to practice. It's just part of life. But when we learn how to do it in a way that is affirming of our children's dignity and affirming of, you know, ⁓ relationship, it's incredible how Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Alaina: just how amazing everything begins to unfold and nothing in motherhood is about perfection, it's really just about presence. Jessielee Sittig: Yes, absolutely. And it's interesting now, like, I think you were mentioning this earlier, like, kind of like the psychological or the physiological, when you're like, Ooh, I'm feeling stressed. I can feel I'm getting warm. I can feel my heart racing. If I start to feel that now, I just know exactly my steps that I'm going to do. And I'm not perfect, but I have, like, I'm proud of the improvement that I have had since the beginning of a mother of three. So. Alaina: Yeah. Totally. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, that's... Yeah, it's... Again, was like, not, I was not planning on sharing that. Alaina: It's so funny too, there's so many things where we feel like, it's going to take me so much work and that's not something that's going to be actually doable for me. If you do ⁓ some form of regulatory breathing for two minutes, two minutes, you can set a timer on your phone, ⁓ has been shown to ⁓ to a calm nervous system and a regulated nervous system for two hours. How many moms would that just be life-changing to know that, okay, if I take two minutes of my day, I know that your day is so full, I know. You have two babies in front of you and maybe you have other kids and you have obligations and things, you can take two minutes every two hours to breathe. Whether that is while you're nursing your babies or while you're, you know, hiding in the bathroom, whatever it takes. Two minutes. Jessielee Sittig: Wow. I love all of these like regulation tips because that was a big thing to me. And I feel like I learned some of these in motherhood. I'm like, why didn't I have these like self-regulation tips when I was younger? take, sure. That's a good point. Alaina: You probably didn't need them as badly as you do now because you weren't responsible for building the nervous systems of other people. Like this is such a huge undertaking. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah. Yeah, well, motherhood is so humbling, right? I'm like, I thought I had it together and that I'm trying to manage these three little people and losing my mind and need to figure out how to make this better. So I love the taking deep breaths. And I feel like you were touching on this earlier is like, you can talk out loud to yourself. You probably know better about the study than I do, but wasn't there a study where like people were put into a dark room and the majority of them like lost it and wanted to come out immediately? Alaina: Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: but one person talked to themselves through it. Like, I'm in this room, I'm breathing, I'm safe. And he was able to stay in this room longer. So now like surgeons, pilots, et cetera, use these tools, like talking to yourself in these high stress situations, like why a surgeon will say, pass the scalpel and things like this. So they're talking out loud what they're doing and it's supposed to be like a grounding tool. Alaina: Yeah, guiding, like self-guidance or even just narration is incredibly grounding and it's also very helpful as a mother just to be able to, you know, teach. know, babies have a high amount of mirror neurons. That's really kind of where we do most of our social emotional learning and twins actually have an even higher concentration of mirror neurons than singleton babies. Jessielee Sittig: Mmm. ⁓ really? Yeah. Alaina: which is really interesting. Yeah, but it makes sense, right? They have each other literally as their mirror, right? They're learning from each other. Neurologically, they tend to develop quicker on their social skills. Even if they're not verbal, they tend to have higher social development at an earlier age than singletons, and it makes sense. But the cool thing about that is that gives us the ability to like... Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Yes. Alaina: respond to others and basically yeah, it's how we learn how to integrate things in our bodies. Most of that is just through ⁓ witnessing and mirror neurons taking in. It's not necessarily even like playing it out. You might say something, narrate an experience, and then it's not until like two months later that you peek and you see your child kind of doing that. You know, it's just really fascinating. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, absolutely. Well, and it's been fun to touch on these like practical tips for regulation, because I feel like I had to like those things didn't come naturally. I had to learn those things. So if that can help a mom and then I love hearing all the science behind like, ⁓ why that why does that actually work? And why is that actually helpful? So I think that's so great, especially in like pregnancy, like maybe that wasn't something that I knew that I even needed to Alaina: Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: prepare myself for, but looking back, if I could give mom's tips, it would also be to like work on your self-regulation and have these tools even just like on the back burner so that you are ready to pull them out when necessary. So. Alaina: Yeah. Totally, yeah, it brings me so much joy when somebody reaches out to me and she's like, I'm like 16 weeks pregnant, I just found out I'm having twins and I'm like, yay, you got in early, I'm so glad. Because so many moms that I work with one on one, we're already having to undo so much of the internalized programming, like negativity, you know, working through things that... Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Hmm. Alaina: If we were on the front end preventatively, leading in with, okay, what are your values? What matters to you in terms of how you mother? How can I resource you to do that? Talking about regulation skills, you know that there are going to be two crying newborns. How are we going to, like, what is your individual temperament? How can we build in some supports for you? and build your resourcing around you. Obviously, I can't be in person for every mom that I work with, but how can we build out your resourcing for your pregnancy and your postpartum so that you are not at the end of yourself, so that you have the tools? One of the moms in my community, she has done such a beautiful job of constructing her in real life village around her. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: by making sure that she had meal support for an extended amount of time, longer than she thought she should. Having a postpartum doula come and help her with latching her babies, because ⁓ so hard to tandem feed in the first early days. So she waited actually until after her husband went back to work to have that person come to help and serve as a buffer. it's just, there's a lot of... Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: practical things that I want to offer people. I know I talk a lot on Instagram about sort of the philosophical leanings and the reasons, the why behind what I do, but, and obviously that's very important to me, but it's also important to me to help you to establish the mindset to reject scarcity, to embrace abundance, and then to see, okay, what does that actually look like? So I actually have put together, there's this like three month, Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Alaina: program that we're doing within the Nurturing Twins Village called Embracing Infancy. And essentially it's just like a foundational, I don't even want to call it a reset because again, my hope is to reach a lot of moms prior to having to reset, you know what I mean? Where we are just building out the why, giving you the support that you need to. Jessielee Sittig: ⁓ cool. Yes, yes. Alaina: build the confidence in every decision you make in your motherhood. Whether it is, you know, I am confidently deciding I'm going to have a C-section. Like, I want you to own every single decision that you make that you're able to make in your motherhood. I want you to feel confident and supported in those decisions so that you can mother with congruency. Like, the moms that I see who struggle are not necessarily the moms who are making certain choices. Jessielee Sittig: Mmm. Hmm. Alaina: It's really just the moms who are making choices, not from a place of congruency. so supporting you in being able to make the choices that matter to you. If breastfeeding matters to you, I want you to be able to do it for as long as it serves your mother-baby triad, whether that is two months or two and a half years, ⁓ like we are over here. I want you to be able to have a variety, a menu of choices to... Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Yes. Yeah. Alaina: figure out what's gonna work for sleep with you and your two new babies, whether that is having them together in a bedside bassinet or having two cribs in your room or having them both in your bed. Like let's figure out what's going to make the most sense for your family at each and every stage. just, yeah, I could go on forever, but my goal is just to build out the resources so that ⁓ every mom approaches The Nurturing Twins Village has the support and what she needs in order for her mother-baby triad to thrive. Jessielee Sittig: Well, and I feel like we were talking about this earlier. I had never heard the term mother, baby triad or dyad. I love it. I was like, that is the coolest thing ever. You need to like copyright that. Alaina: I made it up! I made it up! Yeah. I guess I do. I probably should. I'm not a very good business person, so if somebody's listening to this podcast, please don't copyright that until I get a chance to do it. ⁓ Yeah, no. So the Mother Baby Dyad, again, it's really primarily used in lactation medicine. But I felt like in my postpartum, I mean, in pregnancy, I felt so intensely connected to my babies. to the point where I was afraid that when they came out, and especially when we endured separation with the NICU and stuff, I was just like, how am I going to feel connected to them the way that I did when they were in utero? How am I going to be able to meet their needs and for us to survive in our little ecosystem, especially after everything that we've been through? And I found the mother-baby dyad language, and I loved that, but I felt like that neglected my lived experience of Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: having two babies and also didn't even touch on the beauty and the magic of the twin bond. And so I was like, dyad, triad. Okay, let's do it. Mother, baby, triad. And frankly, it's my favorite thing ever. Yeah. Jessielee Sittig: love it. That's fantastic. Yes, I, I feel like I saw that on your Instagram and was like, that is the coolest thing ever. I've never heard that terminology and like that needs to be adapted widely like nurturing twins copyright mother, baby triad love it. That coolest thing ever. I really just like, and like, can you hear it? I'm doing a round of applause. Okay. Alaina: Thank you. Yes. Yeah, I wanted to give language to this experience because it's so real for so many of us and without words or representation of, you know, what it's like to do these things, it can feel really isolating. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and okay, can you tell us more about your program and what that looks like? Is it like a digital guide and then access to an online community? How does that work? Alaina: Yeah. Yeah, so it's basically a three month, like, kickstart membership within to the Nurturing Twins Village. So the Nurturing Twins Village, it is a website. ⁓ an app. You can just download the app and ⁓ which is fantastic. Yeah, I wanted something that was definitively off social media, but still, like, you could access it easily from your phone. I don't like pulling up web browsers on my phone. I'm sure nobody else does. Jessielee Sittig: Okay. ⁓ cool. Alaina: So I wanted something that had a functional interface for web and the phone that we could build things out on. And so what I love about it is I have the embracing infancy course within it. this is programming that I've put together. It was really kind of the first thing that I made for nurturing twins. I was just seeing this deficit and the challenges that so many moms are dealing with with the mindset side of things. And then also like we talked about the practical resourcing. And so I wanted to just put together as much of a comprehensive resource as I could that I could just say here to a new twin mom who was approaching me. And so ⁓ has evolved and now it has become a ⁓ month kind of intensive transformation where within the nurturing twins village, we always have the mother circles monthly and we will often have experts come in and do like tailored calls to ⁓ like intensively resource our community, but this is delving even deeper and the goal of this embracing infancy transformation is really for you to emerge from this 90 day window as the most rooted, grounded, like supported and resourced version of yourself and motherhood that you have ever been. So whether you are like, Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Alaina: five weeks pregnant with your twins or your twins are nearing the end of infancy, this is going to change your life. I am not being dramatic. We have been working with some incredible trauma therapists. have an incredible like postpartum nutrition guide coming in to, she's a dietician coming to speak about navigating the ⁓ and the realistic. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Hmm. Alaina: side of things and I will be leading the neuroscience and like mindset and heart work side of things to really just give moms the opportunity to take three months to really just delve into things for yourself. It's not going to be like homework every day. It's more so of like, this is a snippet of some some things for you to ponder today. And then this is a recording to watch. And then this is a live call you can join. Jessielee Sittig: Mmm. Love that. Alaina: These are all little things that I want to give moms so that they're able to integrate all of these and then, like I said, emerge into the beautiful butterfly version of yourself you've always wanted to be. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. love that. That sounds like such a fantastic program and very thorough. I love that you also said there's like dietician. I'm like, oh, that's so huge, like how much food affects us and how we feel and I and a lot of times, you know, part of the mom rage for me was probably that I was not fueling myself as I needed to be. I all Alaina: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I mean, we can't talk about mindset if you're like, your brain is starving, right? Like, we've to resource you from the ground up. And like most of the work that I do in, just as I've been learning so much about how babies operate and then also how we as parents operate is like the quickest route to regulation is never like the headiest thing. It's actually just like the body solution. So like, let's get. Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Yes. Alaina: your body right, let's get your heart right and your mind right so that you can proceed in motherhood from an aligned place. Jessielee Sittig: Right, well it's like that mind-body-spirit connection is so important. So I love that it's all integrated. Right, like we don't exist in a vacuum. yeah, I love that. And what about for your sleep guide? Is that like a similar setup for the program? Alaina: Totally, yeah, we don't exist in... Yeah, exactly. Totally. Yeah, yeah. So Sleeping with Twins was ⁓ the culmination of work I had put into a live cohort that I was able to lead ⁓ a group of women back in the fall. basically I pieced together ⁓ all of the literature I could find ⁓ on approaching sleep with ⁓ and integrated that with neurobiology. ⁓ ⁓ my reflections on the mother-baby triad and then the practical logistics of mothering twins and how that pertains to sleep. So we talk about temperament in it. We talk about just the common challenges of staggered naps. We talk about what is biologically ⁓ and appropriate in terms of wakings ⁓ ⁓ of... wakefulness and also like the ranges of how that can vary because you might have one very low sleep needs twin and one higher sleep needs twin. That's my experience and ⁓ you know, it's interesting. Jessielee Sittig: Totally. Same. my son Wyatt like sleep all day. So amount of times that my other son has woken up and I've had to like tiptoe in their room and like sneak him out so that we can go play and that the other one can keep sleeping. I mean, so many times, so many times. Alaina: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I wanted to like put together a resource that could just jam pack as much material that was relevant to sleep in from others and then give the practical guidance of, ⁓ if you want to have them co-bed in a crib, this is what this could look like. If you want to have them in your room, so co-sleeping, the general term is actually just like shared space. So room sharing. as the general definition for co-sleeping. Colloquially, people refer to co-sleeping as bedshearing, but bedshearing is not the only form of co-sleeping. So I wanted to give a comprehensive guide on just all of the different ways that you could do that, because all the twin sleep resources I could find were mostly just about how to help them to navigate sleep in separate spaces, which just was not going to work for my family, and I knew that that was not... a experience exclusive to myself. for all the moms who had been reaching out to me until that point, I wanted to be able to have a comprehensive guide. And so it's like over 100 pages and it's even longer now because I built in some new stuff for triplet moms too, which is just fantastic. ⁓ yeah. Yeah, it's... Jessielee Sittig: Wow! That's incredible. 100 pages of resources. Well, and I love how you're mentioning like, there's just like all these different options that maybe moms aren't thinking about. So to have those options available is just amazing. And for other moms Alaina: Mm-hmm. Totally, yeah, I think a lot of people they feel like, the only way for my baby to sleep is either like in the bed and I don't know how to do that safely or in a crib in another room. There's going to be dissonance and just ⁓ hardship for moms that's unnecessary. I wanted to be able to bridge that gap and give you, it doesn't always have to look the same in every situation. And we've been very fluid over the last, what? two and a half years with the different things that have worked for our family in different seasons. so I wanted to be able to like resource moms in a way where you can literally pull this up and look at it on your phone or print it out if you want to or whatever. I wanted it to be as accessible as possible so that it can serve you through the entirety of infancy. Jessielee Sittig: That's amazing. I, a hundred pages is so incredible. Like the amount of detail that you're able to provide. Alaina: What's even more incredible is the fact that the majority of that was written while my babies were napping. As a stay at home mom who's working, it's like, and most of the time they will only car nap or nursing app. And so was like, I literally have my phone here working on Canva typing things, it's crazy. Jessielee Sittig: I am so impressed. impressed. Well, and it's so crazy to, you know, being a stay at home mom and then finding this ⁓ need that lacking and that you created it. Like ⁓ having the to do that while you're solely watching your children. I mean, it's, it's incredible. It's and ⁓ hard. It's you know? So hats off to you. That's incredible. And I love the detail and thoroughness that it sounds like. you're able to provide I think it's so incredible that the embracing infancy and the sleep guide, like how you were able to do all of that while your girls were sleeping on you. I mean, it's incredible and the detail that you're able to provide other twin parents. Like we were saying earlier, like just because you have twins, if you've envisioned your motherhood one way, you're not stuck in this box just because you have twins. And I love that a lot of the moms I've been able to talk to on this podcast saw. Alaina: Yeah Jessielee Sittig: that there was like a resource lacking and then they made it. And I just, it's just so incredible. And I know it's hard. So. Alaina: amazing. But I feel like Twin Mom Life absolutely like ⁓ Twin Mom Life is the name of your podcast. It like equips us and builds out our capacity to be able to manage more things than we thought possible. Just always you know like I didn't think I could handle you know having more than one baby at once. You didn't think you could handle having more than one baby and also your toddler all the same time. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Alaina: And yet we're doing it and not only are we doing that but what I find is, just this expansiveness and that's really the thing that I love to just try to leave moms with is like, ⁓ you are not evidence of scarcity, you are evidence of abundance, you're living abundance, you have twins. That's crazy, that's a miracle. The chances of having twins are so, so low and you not only have done that but you are also like... Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: caring for them and raising them in a way that is so beautiful and important. so, like, of course you're capable, of course your capacity is greater than you thought. You're constantly expanding and you will continue to do so. Like, the things that were so hard when they were eight weeks old became doable when they're four months old. And then, like, hardly even a memory when they're two years old. You know what mean? Like, it's just so funny as... Jessielee Sittig: Mm. Yes. Alaina: They grow, we grow too. Jessielee Sittig: Well, and I love the language that you use, like the scarcity versus abundance. Like it is so true. And yeah, like we can handle more than we think that we can. twin moms probably don't give themselves enough credit. It's like you're doing better than you think. And Alaina: Yeah, it's also funny too, like I don't know if you have this experience, but like if one of my girls is napping and the other one is not, or if one is like hanging out with daddy, I'm like, oh, this so easy. I just have one baby? Like I forget, like, oh man, I'm not just like a mess. It's just the fact that like I have two babies that are constantly like doing different things that I'm like having to fix all the things all the time, you know? Jessielee Sittig: Yes. Yes. Yes, a thousand percent. Alaina: But I think, again, yeah, we can just give ourselves such a hard time. And it's like, you're actually doing way more than you realize you're doing. Jessielee Sittig: Mm hmm. Yeah, absolutely. And that your motherhood, whether you have twins or not, well, especially if you have twins, it can look, it can look like however you want it to be. And I love that you have resources for people who maybe thought that that wasn't possible just because they have twins, like it's not impossible. And here is a very thorough 100 page guide to help you. So, so awesome. Just yeah, really love hearing all your resources and Alaina: Totally. Jessielee Sittig: the science behind it. Because I think it's important. That's personally how my brain works. Like I've always heard that skin to skin like, oh, yeah, you want to do that? That's good. But then hearing the science behind why I think that's really cool and important for moms to know and understand also. So you're a wealth of knowledge. And I love it. Yeah. I'm like, we can talk all day. There's so many topics we could Alaina: Yeah. Thank you. It's a joy. Truly, we really could. There's so much we could talk about. Let's do another episode soon. Yeah, I was going to say my background was like, was always so funny to me because I felt like, and I'm sure so many moms feel like this of like, I didn't end up where I thought I was going to be with my career and things like that. And then now it's just like so beautiful how things have blossomed where I studied. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, let's do it. Alaina: psychology and neuroscience in my undergrad and I was applying to doctoral programs and then I felt a really intentional nudge from God that was like, that's not your season right now. It's not like you have to do something different and pivot. And so I ended up pivoting entirely and working ⁓ a like one-on-one behavior therapist for like children with intellectual disabilities. And from that, I started pursuing a masters in that and thinking, okay, now this is it, this is it. And then had another massive pivot. And so it was just like, I felt like there were so many things where it was like pieces of myself I was having to leave behind in the past and that I genuinely wanted these things. And then I became a mother and I was like, these things matter to me, but you know, I have to put everything on pause because I have babies. And so now to ⁓ to integrate ⁓ of this, all of it. and not only serve my family, but serve all of these twin families is like such an incredible thing. I'm completing this Nurture Neuroscience Practitioner certification through ⁓ Greer Kirshenbaum and Dr. Rocio Zunini. ⁓ two like neuroscientists who focus on infant and maternal mental health. And so it's just so beautiful getting to integrate, you know, all these past pieces of myself into ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Alaina: now this work that I'm doing with moms and babies. Jessielee Sittig: Well, and it's incredible. Like your path led you to where you were just supposed to be. It just, hard to see that at the time. Like, like if only we had a crystal ball and it's like, I don't know, I feel like God knows the path that maybe we can't quite see, you know? So I think that's just really special. Alaina: Exactly. Totally. Totally. Yes. Yeah. And nothing is wasted. Like every single, even like I said before, like having such a like challenging start to like having such a hard pregnancy and having such a hard birth and having such a hard like early postpartum, like all of that has allowed me to have such incredibly difficult experiences that I can then like help support other moms through. I can pull from these experiences and not just like Like maybe if I hadn't endured all those things, I wouldn't be able to like sit with somebody who has had a very difficult experience and to, you know, support her the way that she needs or to say, ⁓ you've had Deemer, me too. This is what helped me navigate that. You've had this. I can help you navigate that, you know? So yeah, nothing is wasted and we're doing better than we think we are. Jessielee Sittig: Mm-hmm. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so where can people find you on Instagram? I will link all that in the show notes. But can you say like your social media and stuff? Alaina: Yes. Yes, so you can find me at Nurturing Twins on Instagram. NurturingTwins.com is officially ⁓ I've been working my booty off in the wee hours of the night. ⁓ so that is where you can find, that's why I need coffee. Seriously, I always need coffee because I'm just like staying up all night working on my computer. It's fine. Yeah, nurturingtwins.com. ⁓ Jessielee Sittig: you Yeah. Alaina: You can enroll in this Embracing Infancy container that we're currently enrolling for. You can join the Nurturing Twins Village either for the year and get that experience or you can just join for the experience and hang around and see what you think. I do one-on-one consults for twin moms who need any and all support ⁓ yeah, get in my DMs. I'm here for you. Jessielee Sittig: Yay, incredible. And if you could have a heart to heart with a twin mom or give her a piece of advice, what would you tell her? Alaina: I guess just what I keep saying is that scarcity is not your inheritance. You are living evidence of abundance. Give yourself the grace that you've been withholding because abundance is not missing from you. Like you have within you everything that your babies need. And if you feel a lack there, it is not because Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Alaina: You're not enough. It's because your resourcing is not enough. And I'm here to help support you through that. Jessielee Sittig: Hmm. Hmm. I love that. And like I said, I just love the language that you use. It's, it's incredible and it's specific and just perfect for twin moms. So, well, thank you. Thank you so much. That was so incredible. And I feel like I'm always learning something from your page and, um, let's get mother baby triad copyrighted for you right now. Alaina: Thank you. Thanks. We need to, I need to figure that out probably like yesterday. Yeah. Thank you. It's been such a joy. Jessielee Sittig: Yeah, that's incredible. Well, thanks so much. I really appreciate it. Yes.