Latest / LIVING WITHOUT FEAR / 146. Living Without Fear - You Can’t Heal Someone Who Won’t Change | With Esther Buerki

Transcript

146. Living Without Fear - You Can’t Heal Someone Who Won’t Change | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

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  What if the peace you're searching for in your family
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  begins the moment you stop trying to fix them?
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  Hello, beautiful souls. Welcome to my 140 and sixth solo
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  episode. This is Esther speaking to you
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  from Switzerland with an open heart today.
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  And I want to be honest, right from the first breath of this
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  episode, I'm sad. It has been one year since my
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  mom passed away. One year.
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  And even saying this out loud still feels surreal because part
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  of me knows she is at peace and another part of me still wants
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  to talk to her or ask her something.
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  My mom left this world in a very quiet way.
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  She stayed in bed, which strangely enough was something
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  she had always wished for but never allowed herself to do
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  while she was alive. And in the end, she finally did.
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  There is peace in knowing she chose her moment.
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  And yet grief has its own rhythm.
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  It comes like waves, sometimes gentle, sometimes overwhelming.
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  And grief doesn't only take the person who leaves, it also
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  reshapes the relationships that remain.
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  Because now there is still my father.
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  And this past year with him has been one of the most emotionally
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  challenging seasons of my life. I had imagined something
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  different. I thought we would sit together,
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  talk about memories, laugh about the past, share gratitude for
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  everything we experienced as a family.
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  I thought his wife's passing would open his heart, but
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  instead it often closed it. He accused me many times of not
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  being kind enough, of not loving enough, of not showing up the
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  way he wished I would. And I know part of this comes
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  from his inability to grieve. Part of it comes from his old
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  wounds, from a lifetime of not feeling loved, from emotional
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  places inside him that's never grew up.
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  Sometimes it feels like speaking to an 8 year old boy who takes
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  everything personally, who feels rejected even when he's loved.
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  And I'll be honest with you, there were moments I felt fed up
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  with his story. Not because I don't love him,
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  but because love also gets tired when it keeps knocking on a
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  closed door. Just yesterday when I called
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  him, he sounded hopefully distant cold.
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  And I thought to myself, how many times have I told you that
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  I love you and you still can't receive it?
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  And this is where one of the deepest lessons of my life
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  landed again with full force. We cannot control other people's
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  moods. We cannot heal people who don't
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  want to heal. We cannot change people who
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  don't choose change. We can only be present.
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  And sometimes even presence is not received.
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  And life gave me the chance to practice this lesson again
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  through my younger son, who is currently in military service.
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  But he comes home on weekends, and this past weekend I felt he
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  was in a low state. Heavy energy, short answers,
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  rough tone. I asked him gently what was
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  going on. He said nothing.
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  Everything is fine and I knew he wasn't even aware of his own
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  state. The old me would have reacted
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  differently. I would have argued.
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  I would have pointed out his tone, I would have tried to make
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  him see what I was feeling. But this time, something inside
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  me stayed. Stayed grounded.
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  Every time he responded unkindly, I went back to my
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  happy place, to my inner peace, and I told myself it's not about
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  me, it's his business. I don't have to change him, let
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  him be. And this is freedom.
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  The freedom of not taking everything personally, the
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  freedom of not making someone else mood your emotional
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  responsibility. And this is one of the most
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  important things I have learned in the past years.
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  I don't have to repeat the same story with my sons that I lived
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  with my parents because when I was younger, my parents often
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  accused me of not being kind enough, of being ungrateful, of
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  not loving them the way they deserved.
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  They didn't understand boundaries.
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  They didn't understand that poverty, adulthood, is the face
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  where you find yourself, not where you keep pleasing your
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  parents. And today I see they carried
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  their own wounds from their parents, generational patterns
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  passed down unconsciously. But here is my decision.
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  I am determined to break this pattern.
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  And one teaching helped me profoundly in this journey.
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  A teaching from my mentor, Tony Robbins.
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  Trade your expectations for appreciation.
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  Let this sink in for a moment. Because expectations are silent
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  contracts we place on others without their consent.
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  We feel entitled. As parents, as partners, as
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  children, we expect certain behaviours, certain words,
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  certain emotional responses and when they don't come, we feel
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  hurt, rejected, angry. So the first step is awareness.
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  Acknowledge this feeling I have right now comes from an
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  expectation. And your feeling is valid, it is
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  real, it moves something inside you.
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  You are allowed to feel it fully.
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  But then comes the next step, and this step changes
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  everything. Realize that expectations are a
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  dead end in relationships. They close hearts instead of
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  opening them. So you consciously shift your
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  focus. You start searching for what you
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  can appreciate in this person. You flip the lens.
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  You step away from your ego, away from hurt, and you put on a
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  new pair of glasses where you see this person as a human
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  being, a soul alive. You have the privilege to love
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  because love is a privilege, not an entitlement.
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  A privilege that this person walks life beside you, even if
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  imperfectly. And when you shift from
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  expectation to appreciation, you enter a completely different
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  emotional universe. You experience the same person
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  in a totally different way. Do you feel the difference
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  coming back to my father and my younger son?
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  I love my father deeply. I'm proud of everything he did
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  for our family. I appreciate him.
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  But appreciation does not mean acceptance of unkind treatment.
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  I have the right to set boundaries, to protect my
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  emotional state, to protect my inner peace.
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  And I admit, setting boundaries has not been easy for me.
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  I often had the bad conscience. I felt guilty.
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  But I'm learning growing step by step, and this awareness is the
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  only way I can prevent repeating this story with my sons.
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  Because whenever I feel anger rising because one of them
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  didn't meet my expectations, I remind myself I don't want to
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  become my parents in this moment.
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  Not because they were bad, but because they were unconscious in
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  their patterns. And I choose consciousness.
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  I choose healing or repeating. And before I close today, I want
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  to leave you with one last truth that feels very alive in my
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  heart. It's never too late to start
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  from scratch. Never.
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  If you reacted from all wounds, if you fell back into all
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  patterns, forgive yourself. You're human, you're learning.
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  You are allowed to make mistakes.
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  Growth is not perfection, it is awareness in motion.
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  And the next time a similar moment appears, pause, breathe,
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  release expectation, and ask yourself, how can I appreciate
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  this person right now? Even one small appreciation can
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  reopen a closed heart, including your own.
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  Thank you for being here with me today in this very honest space.
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  If this episode touched you and you feel ready to shift patterns
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  in your own life, Ioffer free coaching sessions where we
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  gently work through emotional blocks and create new
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  perspectives together. You're always welcome to reach
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  out. And as always, my weekly podcast
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  episodes are uploaded every Thursday, so don't forget to
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  subscribe so you don't miss the next heart to heart moment we
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  share. Sending you so much love from my
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  heart to yours. Until next week.