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SMNTY Classics: The ABCs of being Ace · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm welcome to stuff
0:07
Speaker 1: I've never told your production. I heart radio. This might
0:19
Speaker 1: be a difficult question to answer, Samantha, but do you
0:22
Speaker 1: remember when you learned kind of about the spectrum of
0:27
Speaker 1: what's sexual identity and gender identity and queerness that it
0:31
Speaker 1: was more than you know, gay or straight. Right, Oh,
0:34
Speaker 1: that is a really good question. I think I've known
0:36
Speaker 1: of it since I've known about sex essentially, but it's
0:39
Speaker 1: always been a joke. So we see things as jokes,
0:43
Speaker 1: you know, on movies or like if it's a badly placed, childish,
0:48
Speaker 1: really offensive type of joke being told in middle school
0:52
Speaker 1: that type of way. So I remember, like, the first
0:55
Speaker 1: thing I knew about Mormonism, which is not necessarily true
0:58
Speaker 1: at all, is polyamorous. They have more than one wife,
1:02
Speaker 1: which is not the same indications of what we're talking
1:05
Speaker 1: about when it comes to polyamory. We know that, But
1:08
Speaker 1: because I was a child growing up in the mountains
1:10
Speaker 1: and not understanding it, I knew that existed. I knew
1:14
Speaker 1: transgender existed. What did I think about it? Again? It
1:18
Speaker 1: became a punch line because it was so inappropriate, and
1:20
Speaker 1: I grew up in a very homophobic, backwards, backwoods type
1:25
Speaker 1: of home and town. That that's how I knew of it.
1:29
Speaker 1: So I say, I knew of what it was felt
1:33
Speaker 1: and was told that it was either a punchline or sin.
1:37
Speaker 1: And then I didn't understand the truth of it, honestly
1:40
Speaker 1: until probably when I say truth of it, the realities
1:43
Speaker 1: and that that these are people and they have this
1:46
Speaker 1: whole underlying of what these things are and or how
1:51
Speaker 1: you may identify and why you might identify, literally until
1:54
Speaker 1: probably not until high school when I met people from
1:57
Speaker 1: very young age knowing who they were and they've always
2:01
Speaker 1: identified this way, that this is how they were born,
2:04
Speaker 1: and realizing oh, this is part of their like not
2:08
Speaker 1: just identity, but who they are, just like as I
2:10
Speaker 1: am identifying as heterosexual, that I've never necessarily found attraction
2:16
Speaker 1: to any other gender. That has never been a thing
2:20
Speaker 1: for me until like, Oh, but if you look at
2:22
Speaker 1: the spectrum of it and the reality of it and
2:24
Speaker 1: the complications of what love truly means, m h. That
2:28
Speaker 1: I don't think I really understood it until I started
2:32
Speaker 1: to kind of grasp in high school and then into
2:35
Speaker 1: my formative years, even learning the fine details, not even
2:40
Speaker 1: the details, but the depth of it, even toil our
2:43
Speaker 1: episode of sexuality and being called out and being like, oh,
2:49
Speaker 1: you don't understand quite as much as you think you do.
2:51
Speaker 1: Here we go. So I think it's the very long
2:54
Speaker 1: winded answer is I'm still learning. That is a good answer.
3:00
Speaker 1: I think I think a lot of us are, and
3:01
Speaker 1: I think it's a society we are. I I've told
3:04
Speaker 1: my story before, Like I remember learning what bisexual was
3:08
Speaker 1: and I was in middle school. Was X Files based realization,
3:12
Speaker 1: but beyond that, it was really working on this show
3:17
Speaker 1: that I learned about other like a sexual or transgender.
3:22
Speaker 1: And I think there were things that kind of like you,
3:24
Speaker 1: I knew, but I didn't necessarily know the terminology are
3:27
Speaker 1: much more about it beyond that, right, And I remember
3:31
Speaker 1: specifically when I learned a sexual. I was outside of college.
3:37
Speaker 1: I was working on the show. But somebody, my little
3:40
Speaker 1: brother said he was dating someone and she said she
3:43
Speaker 1: was a sexual, and somebody responded jokingly, that means she
3:47
Speaker 1: just doesn't want to have sex with you, And that
3:49
Speaker 1: was one of the first like jries I had at
3:53
Speaker 1: that term of yeah, people being really dismissive of it
3:56
Speaker 1: and doubting that it was real and I've learned so
4:00
Speaker 1: much being on this show. Uh, And as you listeners know,
4:05
Speaker 1: it's kind of been a couple of years from me
4:07
Speaker 1: where I'm figuring out how I identify and and I
4:11
Speaker 1: remember with some I love it. Some of your listeners
4:14
Speaker 1: shrode in it's like it sounds like you're a sexual
4:16
Speaker 1: but bio romantic, and somebody sent me all these terms,
4:20
Speaker 1: like seventeen terms like DAVI sexual. I've never heard of
4:22
Speaker 1: it before, and I was looking at all up like
4:24
Speaker 1: oh wow, and how validating it felt, and how kind
4:30
Speaker 1: of a relief. I was like, Oh, yeah, there is
4:32
Speaker 1: all of this and you can It is a spectrum
4:35
Speaker 1: and it is fluid, and just feeling so relieved at
4:38
Speaker 1: that knowledge that I think I had always known. I
4:41
Speaker 1: just didn't have the terminology or the kind of community
4:44
Speaker 1: behind it. So thank you listeners were young, supportive. I
4:49
Speaker 1: love it. Yeah, I've loved it too, and I'm still
4:53
Speaker 1: working through things. And I agree with the listeners who
4:55
Speaker 1: have written and said Pandemic has been an interesting time
4:59
Speaker 1: for having those questions about gender identity and sexual identity,
5:03
Speaker 1: and also just because I have to I I've learned
5:06
Speaker 1: a lot through fan fiction. I will say the fan
5:09
Speaker 1: fiction recently has gotten real open about all these different
5:13
Speaker 1: like labels or not having labels, and just huge variety
5:17
Speaker 1: that wasn't there when I was reading fan fiction. So
5:19
Speaker 1: I'm very happy to see that learning new things through
5:25
Speaker 1: fan fiction. Yes, sometimes good, sometimes not. But because it
5:32
Speaker 1: is Pride Butts, we did want to bring back this
5:34
Speaker 1: episode on the A b C's of being a sexual,
5:38
Speaker 1: so please enjoy. Hey, this is Annie. Hey, I'm Samantha,
5:46
Speaker 1: and welcome to Steph. I've never told your protection of
5:48
Speaker 1: I Hire Radio's house networks. So we're kind of doing
6:02
Speaker 1: one of our we we love an arc around here,
6:05
Speaker 1: like a mini series, and we're doing one on sexuality. Yes,
6:11
Speaker 1: and lately, y'all know that I've been struggling to nail
6:14
Speaker 1: down my sexuality, which is really fun. As a thirty
6:16
Speaker 1: year old woman, I gotta say and specifically whether or
6:21
Speaker 1: not I'm a sexual And it's it's funny because Pete
6:26
Speaker 1: behind the curtains, we recorded this interview that we're about
6:31
Speaker 1: to play for you about a sexuality the same day
6:34
Speaker 1: we did an interview about bondage yea that goes hand
6:41
Speaker 1: in hand. Yeah, yeah, well it's all part of this art.
6:44
Speaker 1: It is. To talk about this, we brought in Agua Danzo,
6:47
Speaker 1: who has written about her experience of being an ace
6:49
Speaker 1: as it's often shortened to in teen Vogue, and she
6:53
Speaker 1: also works on a podcast called About South podcast that
6:57
Speaker 1: you should all totally check out. So let's get right
7:01
Speaker 1: into it. So I am Adua Dance So also known
7:05
Speaker 1: as Joe Dance So. Um that's a nickname with the
7:09
Speaker 1: storied history and Um. I have a background in journalistic writing,
7:14
Speaker 1: born and raised in Atlanta. Previously worked at Creative Loathing,
7:17
Speaker 1: and I currently work at ca U s a not
7:20
Speaker 1: the nanny ng and home care site, but the UH
7:25
Speaker 1: the inventor of the care package that currently works to
7:27
Speaker 1: eradicate global poverty by empowering women and girls. Um. I'm
7:31
Speaker 1: on the social media team there. Yeah. Um. And a
7:36
Speaker 1: couple of months ago, we had a friend of mine,
7:40
Speaker 1: Sono Vashi, on to talk about um Asian American identity
7:45
Speaker 1: and afterwards I picked her brain of like who should
7:47
Speaker 1: I talk to in Atlanta and she recommended you for
7:52
Speaker 1: um a couple of things actually, because she said you
7:55
Speaker 1: have very funny takes on pop culture, which I am intrigued,
7:59
Speaker 1: which I have a lot of advanture I think you
8:02
Speaker 1: and I could vant are really well, that could be fun,
8:04
Speaker 1: but I won't. I won't put that there now, but
8:06
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that's a future episode. Yes, pop culture
8:09
Speaker 1: banter always welcome. But also, UM, a sexuality, which is
8:14
Speaker 1: you you wrote a piece for teen Vogue about your
8:19
Speaker 1: your experience. Yeah yeah, so, UM, I am a sexual
8:23
Speaker 1: and that does not mean that I recreate or procreate
8:27
Speaker 1: with myself. That would be UM. Basically, a sexuals exists
8:37
Speaker 1: outside the standard spectrum of sexuality and sexual attraction. So
8:43
Speaker 1: we are all taught that, like, you are sexually attracted
8:46
Speaker 1: to people, and like that's what you do. UM. And
8:49
Speaker 1: I basically had a light bulb moment where I was like, wait,
8:52
Speaker 1: what you guys experienced and what I experienced are not
8:54
Speaker 1: the same thing at all, And it sent me into
8:58
Speaker 1: a Google spiral. I think I was like twenty three
9:00
Speaker 1: when I found out, so I was like, wait, no,
9:02
Speaker 1: how did I miss this? Um? I actually had a
9:05
Speaker 1: sexual friend when I was a teenager, and it did
9:07
Speaker 1: not click at all that UM, she and I had
9:10
Speaker 1: more in common than other people that I was friends with.
9:14
Speaker 1: And UM, basically, there are a lot of people in
9:20
Speaker 1: the world who will just look at another person and
9:22
Speaker 1: know that they want to have sex with that person.
9:24
Speaker 1: Maybe after a conversation they know maybe they like see
9:28
Speaker 1: them at the coffee shop every day and they know
9:31
Speaker 1: that's not me. I don't feel comfortable saying that I've
9:35
Speaker 1: ever had sexual attraction toward someone in the way that
9:42
Speaker 1: the majority of people do. UM. So, like, even when
9:46
Speaker 1: you like watch TV shows and stuff and you're like, man,
9:48
Speaker 1: they started having sex like really fast, like Derek and
9:50
Speaker 1: Meredith on Grey's Anatomy One night Stands, I was like,
9:53
Speaker 1: I don't understand. How do you just like have sex
9:55
Speaker 1: with somebody like you don't have like questions about them? First? Um,
9:59
Speaker 1: I've that is not my experience. And UM, while there
10:04
Speaker 1: are a sexuals who do have things that line up
10:07
Speaker 1: with the norm or varied experiences across the spectrum, the
10:12
Speaker 1: gist is that there are what I call sexual people
10:16
Speaker 1: and then there are people who don't experience it in
10:18
Speaker 1: the same way. And I am under that umbrella. Um,
10:23
Speaker 1: would you mind expounding more on that that lightbulb moment?
10:31
Speaker 1: Trying to remember exactly what the moment was. Um, it
10:36
Speaker 1: was kind of a series of conversations, but one in
10:39
Speaker 1: particular was with one of my old roommates in college
10:43
Speaker 1: where we would just like be up at night talking
10:45
Speaker 1: about like relationships and stuff like that. You know, like
10:49
Speaker 1: when you're like an ambitious young black woman and they're like,
10:52
Speaker 1: no people who match your vibe. You're just kind of like, oh,
10:55
Speaker 1: it'll come later, right. And then I graduated and she
11:00
Speaker 1: still lived in the dorm and she sent me a
11:01
Speaker 1: photo of the lgbt Q History month board and the
11:04
Speaker 1: definition of a sexuality on that board and was like,
11:07
Speaker 1: you might be a sexual l O L. And I
11:09
Speaker 1: was like, con I know what a sexuality is, Like,
11:12
Speaker 1: that's not me. And then I read the definitions and
11:14
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that is me. Um, And so
11:19
Speaker 1: I started googling, and like things just started clicking and
11:23
Speaker 1: making sense. And the best analogy that I have for
11:25
Speaker 1: like that moment is, uh, the spoiler alert episode of
11:28
Speaker 1: How I Met Your Mother when Ted dating a woman
11:30
Speaker 1: who ends up being like a huge talker and at
11:34
Speaker 1: the end she's dating a deaf guy who doesn't notice
11:37
Speaker 1: that she talks a whole lot. But throughout the episode,
11:39
Speaker 1: each person in the group like realizes something about somebody
11:42
Speaker 1: else in the group, and it's like glass shattering place
11:44
Speaker 1: above their head. And that's like what it felt like
11:47
Speaker 1: for me. I was like, no, like the world is crashing,
11:49
Speaker 1: Like how how did I get this far in my
11:51
Speaker 1: life and never have this kind of knowledge, especially because
11:56
Speaker 1: I've my primary identity primary and quotation marks, Um, I'm black.
12:01
Speaker 1: You can like see it like really clearly. So primary
12:04
Speaker 1: um is being queer. Like I identified as bisexual for
12:09
Speaker 1: several years, I still kind of do depending on the day.
12:13
Speaker 1: And UM, I was just kind of like shocked that
12:15
Speaker 1: like somebody is like in tune and like knowledgeable and
12:19
Speaker 1: conscious and like paying attention as I am did not
12:22
Speaker 1: know this thing. Yeah, and I kind of alluded to
12:28
Speaker 1: it in our communications, But as I have done this podcast,
12:32
Speaker 1: I've had a similar realization. It's it's so fun to
12:36
Speaker 1: be researching something, um, And I say phone not sarcastically,
12:41
Speaker 1: but also I don't know if that's the best word,
12:43
Speaker 1: but to be researching something and to be like, huh oh,
12:49
Speaker 1: maybe that describes me um. And so listeners have had
12:56
Speaker 1: the fun time of being with me on this journey
12:57
Speaker 1: of is any sexual I mean, and let's just have
13:01
Speaker 1: that conversation, is why do you feel like this is
13:04
Speaker 1: something that or a does it feel like it kind
13:07
Speaker 1: of was a relief to understand yourself a little more
13:11
Speaker 1: in that way. Yeah, it definitely flipped my world upside down,
13:15
Speaker 1: but it was a huge relief. Um. Before I learned
13:20
Speaker 1: what a sexuality is and that it fit for me,
13:23
Speaker 1: I was like really concerned. I was like, is there
13:26
Speaker 1: something wrong with me? And I like represhing some childhood
13:29
Speaker 1: sexual trauma, like, au, is there like a reason for
13:32
Speaker 1: why I haven't um been on the same like wavelength
13:36
Speaker 1: that's my peers in terms of relationships and stuff like that. Um,
13:40
Speaker 1: And then finding out I was a sexual I was like, oh, cool,
13:43
Speaker 1: there's my answer. Um. But at the same time, there
13:46
Speaker 1: is the part that's like still kind of unknown. There
13:50
Speaker 1: are a lot of people who don't believe in a
13:54
Speaker 1: sexuality or don't think that they would even be willing
13:57
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with an a sexual person.
14:01
Speaker 1: And uh, those are the kinds of things where like,
14:03
Speaker 1: don't read the comments is like really real, because you
14:06
Speaker 1: know what you're gonna get in the comments there, Like
14:09
Speaker 1: after like three or four different comments sections, you're like, Okay,
14:12
Speaker 1: there's clearly, uh, like line of thought that's connecting all
14:16
Speaker 1: of these things and it does not serve me, so
14:18
Speaker 1: I should probably just not look at it. Um But
14:21
Speaker 1: I speak in metaphors, so I have a metaphor for this,
14:23
Speaker 1: of course, and I've thought about it a lot. Like
14:25
Speaker 1: the metaphor that I'm giving here is not the same
14:28
Speaker 1: one that's in my Team Vogue piece, and it is
14:29
Speaker 1: not the same one that was in the first draft.
14:32
Speaker 1: But just bear with me. So, I'm a huge Top
14:35
Speaker 1: Chef fan, and Richard Blaze of Top Chef, uh he
14:40
Speaker 1: opened Flip Burger in Atlanta and had wanted to go
14:43
Speaker 1: for years and watching the show, everybody always like did
14:46
Speaker 1: like their tartars, like steak tartar, and he had a
14:49
Speaker 1: steake tartar burger on the menu, and I'm like, cool,
14:51
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go for my birthday and I want the
14:53
Speaker 1: steak tartar burger. And I get there and I take
14:57
Speaker 1: a bite and it makes me nauseated. Immediately, I was like, no,
15:00
Speaker 1: I can't enjoy this food that I've always wanted to enjoy.
15:03
Speaker 1: That is my worst case scenario basically, So it's yet
15:07
Speaker 1: to be determined, but um, yeah, I can't imagine. Like
15:13
Speaker 1: I consider myself very like sex positive person. I'm like uh,
15:17
Speaker 1: pro like female orgasm, pro like sex toys, whatever you need?
15:21
Speaker 1: Very anti like, uh, what is it? They say? Uh,
15:25
Speaker 1: parts not hearts. I feel like that's I don't subscribe
15:29
Speaker 1: to parts over hearts. Um and I feel I need
15:34
Speaker 1: someone to explain that to me. What is this? I
15:37
Speaker 1: was trying to pretend like that was going to be like, yeah,
15:39
Speaker 1: but what parts not hards? I've not heard this, So
15:42
Speaker 1: it's basically a way of saying, uh, don't be transphobic
15:47
Speaker 1: in your selection of a partner. Like, just because you
15:51
Speaker 1: meet a woman who has a penis or a man
15:54
Speaker 1: who has a vagina does not mean that, like you
15:55
Speaker 1: guys cannot still find sexual satisfaction enjoy not with one
15:59
Speaker 1: of Okay, that makes more sense. I'm not gonna have
16:02
Speaker 1: never heard that impression. Keep going. Um so yeah, I like,
16:08
Speaker 1: I feel like this very sex positive person I tell
16:10
Speaker 1: people like, in my mind I could be Samantha from
16:12
Speaker 1: Sex in the City, but in reality I'm like the opposite.
16:17
Speaker 1: Um And so I hope that like there will be
16:21
Speaker 1: a world in which people like understand what a sexuality
16:24
Speaker 1: is and that like there is uh as much as
16:28
Speaker 1: no means no, which it does, there is flexibility among
16:34
Speaker 1: a sexual people. So there are a sexuals who form
16:38
Speaker 1: a sexual attraction once they've formed a romantic attraction or
16:42
Speaker 1: once they've formed an emotional attraction. There's some people who
16:46
Speaker 1: will be like a sexual for years and then um
16:51
Speaker 1: just aren't. There are a sexual people who are sex
16:53
Speaker 1: averse and some who are like I don't really get
16:56
Speaker 1: the deal with sex, but I do it anyway. Um. Actually,
17:00
Speaker 1: Lane Kim from Gilmore Girls is potentially an ACE icon.
17:04
Speaker 1: It is not it's not Cannon, I don't think, but um,
17:08
Speaker 1: she famously like waits to have sex because she's been
17:13
Speaker 1: like brought up in strong Christian beliefs and it's like
17:16
Speaker 1: basically terrified of what happened if her mom caught her
17:18
Speaker 1: having sex. And so she gets married and has sex
17:21
Speaker 1: on the honeymoon and she comes back and she's like, yeah,
17:23
Speaker 1: I don't know what you guys were talking about, Like
17:24
Speaker 1: that was kind of like really awful, Like you guys
17:27
Speaker 1: were clearly this was all a conspiracy to keep me
17:29
Speaker 1: from having sex. Everybody like talking about how great it was. Um,
17:34
Speaker 1: And I don't know that there are many other ACE
17:39
Speaker 1: icons like that, But the caveat with Lane is that, um,
17:44
Speaker 1: you're not necessarily sex a verse if you are a
17:46
Speaker 1: sexual And the other split there that was like mind
17:50
Speaker 1: blowing for me is that there are people who are
17:53
Speaker 1: romantically attracted and people who are sexually attracted. And I
17:58
Speaker 1: was kind of like, oh, we're taught that, like we're
18:00
Speaker 1: basically socialized that all girls are romantically attracted to every
18:04
Speaker 1: person they have sex with, and that's why I like,
18:06
Speaker 1: you shouldn't have sex because he'll break your heart and
18:08
Speaker 1: leave you. But everyone experiences romantic attraction and sexual attraction
18:14
Speaker 1: or exists on that spectrum. There are people who don't
18:17
Speaker 1: experience romantic attraction or sexual attraction. There's some who have
18:20
Speaker 1: one but not the other. Um. I like to think
18:24
Speaker 1: of the people who find romantic long term relationships with
18:29
Speaker 1: the opposite sex even though they are homosexual or well,
18:35
Speaker 1: I guess that's the only other option really. Um. But
18:38
Speaker 1: like those old episodes of Oprah where she's like, how
18:40
Speaker 1: could you be with this woman for forty five years
18:43
Speaker 1: if you're gay, and it's like, well, maybe he was
18:45
Speaker 1: romantically attracted to her, or even just platonically attracted to
18:49
Speaker 1: her and not sexually attracted to her, or vice versa,
18:55
Speaker 1: or none of the above, Like this is really just
18:58
Speaker 1: turned everything upside down. Is I'm like everything applies everywhere
19:02
Speaker 1: and nothing means everything. One thing I loved about your
19:06
Speaker 1: your piece and teen Vogue is, um, you're talking about
19:10
Speaker 1: the questions you get and then kind of for yourself
19:16
Speaker 1: still working through what like someone would ask you something
19:19
Speaker 1: and then you have to kind of think about it, like, oh, yeah,
19:21
Speaker 1: what does that mean? Um? Can you talk more about
19:24
Speaker 1: what your experience has been around that and maybe some
19:28
Speaker 1: questions you get frequently and misconceptions things like that. Yeah,
19:34
Speaker 1: the number one misconception I would say is that a
19:38
Speaker 1: sexuals are sex averse and just like not interested in
19:42
Speaker 1: sex in any capacity, which like I'm a picture of
19:47
Speaker 1: like it not being true like worst case scenarios that
19:49
Speaker 1: like in five years, I'm like, oh no, that a
19:51
Speaker 1: sexuality thing was totally just like a blip, like it
19:53
Speaker 1: didn't even happen. Um, But no, I feel very strongly that, um,
19:58
Speaker 1: what is true today may not be true and ten years,
20:01
Speaker 1: and that I can still identify as a sexual the
20:03
Speaker 1: whole time. But um, people do often ask uh, like
20:10
Speaker 1: just basically like how does that work? Or like why
20:13
Speaker 1: is it like that? It's almost like I'm a little
20:15
Speaker 1: bit of a science experiment to other people and to myself.
20:19
Speaker 1: And I really only learned about myself through talking to
20:22
Speaker 1: other people because like everything for me is normal until
20:24
Speaker 1: I say it out loud. Um. One thing that I
20:27
Speaker 1: didn't mention in the piece was sexual fantasies and how
20:30
Speaker 1: like like, wait, that's like a thing that everybody does, Yeah,
20:34
Speaker 1: but um, mine aren't like everybody else's. Like for me,
20:39
Speaker 1: it's very weird and uncomfortable to fantasize about like a
20:41
Speaker 1: real person I've met, And no, I'm like, wait, isn't
20:44
Speaker 1: that like a violation of like their privacy and comfort?
20:47
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, I feel like I need like
20:49
Speaker 1: consent to fantasize about you. And then also, um, fantasizing
20:54
Speaker 1: about somebody and like seeing them and looking at them
20:56
Speaker 1: in the face the next day, Like isn't that weird?
20:58
Speaker 1: Like somebody's gonna have to Uh, your listeners should like
21:01
Speaker 1: let me know and like, yes, please share all of
21:03
Speaker 1: your sexual fits let the endbox. Um. I think other
21:10
Speaker 1: people kind of want to know, like how does a
21:15
Speaker 1: sexuality fit with the rest of like the queer alphabet?
21:19
Speaker 1: Like can you be a sexual and gay and a
21:23
Speaker 1: sexual and strain and a sexual and like attracted to
21:25
Speaker 1: different genders, and the answers yes, Um, they exist in
21:29
Speaker 1: parallel with each other. So like how somebody you can
21:32
Speaker 1: be a sexual and trans and homosexual all at the
21:38
Speaker 1: same time. Um, there's no I mean, I've I really
21:42
Speaker 1: want to like talk to like a straight a sexual
21:44
Speaker 1: guy because I have no idea like what that experience
21:48
Speaker 1: would be like. And I just wonder how like they
21:49
Speaker 1: are socialized versus me. That would be an interesting because
21:53
Speaker 1: I know there's many times where I've had conversations with
21:56
Speaker 1: people about um, heatero sexual then and they're not sexual,
22:02
Speaker 1: and you start questioning, well, they're just gay, Like the
22:04
Speaker 1: automatic assumption is they're gay. Um, And there's a couple
22:07
Speaker 1: of moments I'm like, I think they're actually a sexual.
22:09
Speaker 1: I think there may be a whole different concept to this. Um,
22:13
Speaker 1: And you're right. I don't know if I've known many
22:14
Speaker 1: or been any instances what I've heard hetero sexual man
22:18
Speaker 1: say I'm a sexual. The only ones that like, the
22:21
Speaker 1: one that comes to the mind immediately is Jim Parson's
22:24
Speaker 1: character and big thingg theory. But he's like, oh, he's
22:27
Speaker 1: a sexual because he's like on the autism spectrum and
22:29
Speaker 1: like super intelligent, like that's what an a sky looks like.
22:33
Speaker 1: And it's like, no, uh, I am not particularly like
22:37
Speaker 1: gifted in the maths and sciences, and I find myself
22:42
Speaker 1: to be like, uh, I'm better in social situations in
22:46
Speaker 1: Sheldon is Um, but I like I'm still a sexual.
22:51
Speaker 1: Like it's not like it's um a symptom of something
22:54
Speaker 1: or like a sign of like a larger mental issue.
22:59
Speaker 1: It just kind of is a sexuality has um the
23:04
Speaker 1: research of it has roots and like female sexual dysfunction. Right. Um,
23:09
Speaker 1: there's this fantastic and infuriating documentary called orgasm Ink that
23:12
Speaker 1: I watched not long after I ever lasts a sexual
23:15
Speaker 1: and I just kept making my froom may posit like wait,
23:17
Speaker 1: but all these things are wrong, Like don't they know
23:19
Speaker 1: that there are other ways to answer these questions and
23:22
Speaker 1: solve these problems? Um. And the doctor I spoke to
23:26
Speaker 1: for my teen folk piece, Laurie Bratto, like she said
23:30
Speaker 1: that like that's where it came from, was just like
23:32
Speaker 1: not knowing how to really place people's different sexual preferences
23:37
Speaker 1: and non preferences, and so it was like, let's just
23:40
Speaker 1: study and see if there's something wrong with them, And
23:42
Speaker 1: basically it was like, maybe these people just aren't experiencing
23:45
Speaker 1: things the way that we're expecting them to. Yeah, are
23:49
Speaker 1: you okay? An, So yeah, that's the question. So a
23:53
Speaker 1: sexuality began was an eye with an idea like, that's
23:55
Speaker 1: your dysfunctional So thatfore you're a sexual if you can't
23:58
Speaker 1: have a normal reaction to sex, meaning you're not actually
24:02
Speaker 1: um pleasured and or uh, where's the word when you're aroused?
24:07
Speaker 1: You're not actually aroused, So that at my for you're
24:08
Speaker 1: a sexual, there's for there's something that's like not functional
24:12
Speaker 1: about you. Is that the context it was originated? Yeah? Yeah, Um,
24:18
Speaker 1: and I was researching earlier today kind of some common
24:25
Speaker 1: misconceptions because um, it's estimated that a sexual people or
24:29
Speaker 1: you know aces as they sometimes call themselves, as one
24:33
Speaker 1: percent of a population. Um. And it's also sometimes called
24:36
Speaker 1: the invisible orientation. And um, some of the misconceptions I
24:41
Speaker 1: found one, Um, it's not like being in a petri
24:47
Speaker 1: dish or how god Zilla procreates Uh yeah, because Godzilla
24:54
Speaker 1: procreates a sexually. Another common misconception is it's not an
25:00
Speaker 1: abstinate spledge um, which I made this mistake in college
25:06
Speaker 1: because I don't know where I was, but they were
25:09
Speaker 1: doing this thing like how many people are abstinate? And
25:14
Speaker 1: I just stood up in a panic. Like me Later,
25:22
Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, no, not me. This is
25:25
Speaker 1: my choice. I don't want sex. It was different than
25:29
Speaker 1: like making an abstinence pledge. I'm sorry, keep going. Uh.
25:33
Speaker 1: Not a synonym for celibacy, not a disorder, um, not
25:38
Speaker 1: a fear of sex. Are relationships you can date, fall
25:42
Speaker 1: in love, get married, have kids, masturbate, fantasize, orgasm, all
25:46
Speaker 1: those things. It's not caused by a chemical or hormonal imbalance. Um.
25:51
Speaker 1: It's not a choice, it's an orientation. Um. And then,
25:54
Speaker 1: as some listeners have written in about this since I
25:57
Speaker 1: mentioned that I was, you know, wrestling with is me
26:00
Speaker 1: the whole idea of corrective rape just now it doesn't work.
26:05
Speaker 1: Correct is bad. Oh, it's like you would like sex
26:09
Speaker 1: if you had it, even if you don't want to. Oh.
26:11
Speaker 1: So like when guys are like, I'm going to make
26:13
Speaker 1: you straight from being a lesbian, You okay, Okay, that's
26:17
Speaker 1: a born and disgusting in itself. Let's just go ahead
26:19
Speaker 1: with that out there. And you are the worst you
26:22
Speaker 1: think that in the statement yes, yes, it's just um,
26:28
Speaker 1: I mean, are these are these things that you have encountered?
26:32
Speaker 1: Are um that you had to think about when you
26:36
Speaker 1: were sort of coming to terms with this? Ah, this
26:40
Speaker 1: is what I'm a sexual, less in coming to terms
26:44
Speaker 1: with it and more in talking to other people because
26:47
Speaker 1: like I was in my mid twenties or in early twenties,
26:50
Speaker 1: I guess um when I found out. So it was
26:53
Speaker 1: like I kind of already knew myself in a lot
26:55
Speaker 1: of ways. I knew that I experienced sexual desire. I
26:58
Speaker 1: knew that like I wasn't celibate or abstinate, like oh no, sex,
27:03
Speaker 1: keep that away from me. It was more just like
27:05
Speaker 1: a thing that hadn't presented itself as an opportunity and um.
27:11
Speaker 1: But I also knew I wasn't like seeking sex either.
27:13
Speaker 1: I used to think that it was like one of
27:15
Speaker 1: those like lightbulb moments that would be like, oh, when
27:17
Speaker 1: I like hit twenty five, or like when I graduate
27:19
Speaker 1: and I'm not like bogged down by school and like
27:23
Speaker 1: college students around me, then maybe the light bulb will
27:26
Speaker 1: turn on and I'll be ready to go. And then
27:28
Speaker 1: I found this out, and I was like, Okay, well,
27:30
Speaker 1: I guess it's just not in me too for that
27:32
Speaker 1: to happen, although you know, never know, could still happen.
27:36
Speaker 1: But in like with other people. Yeah, I feel like
27:40
Speaker 1: I'm educating people every time I bring it up. And
27:43
Speaker 1: it was kind of funny when uh, you invited me here,
27:47
Speaker 1: I was like, wait, but I already wrote about it.
27:48
Speaker 1: Why do people still have questions? And everybody just like
27:50
Speaker 1: googling and finding my words and then like calling it
27:53
Speaker 1: a day. Um. But no, people definitely do not know. Uh,
27:58
Speaker 1: all of these misconceptions are not things that are real
28:01
Speaker 1: phrase people. Yeah, so have you had any of these
28:05
Speaker 1: conversations with the head of sexual man Like, has that
28:08
Speaker 1: ever been a thing where they questioned and then it
28:10
Speaker 1: becomes a whole conversation. No. Um, but that's mostly because
28:17
Speaker 1: I don't really like find myself around heterosexual men a
28:19
Speaker 1: whole lots their um with like friends and stuff. People
28:25
Speaker 1: will like have their questions and I'm usually it's like
28:27
Speaker 1: the most open part of me. I'm like, oh my god,
28:29
Speaker 1: you guys, like I just learned this cool thing. I
28:31
Speaker 1: need to like ask you about it so that I
28:34
Speaker 1: can understand it better. And so for probably like a
28:37
Speaker 1: year and a half there, Like everybody I met, I
28:39
Speaker 1: was like introducing myself and trying not to be like,
28:41
Speaker 1: and I'm a sexual and I have questions. Let's talk
28:43
Speaker 1: about how you feel about sex. But it does influence
28:47
Speaker 1: the way I like look at the world where I like,
28:49
Speaker 1: you know, like when there's Derek and Meredith Hungrey is
28:53
Speaker 1: anatomy having sex again and I'm like you guys, but
28:55
Speaker 1: like he's married, and like I don't understand, like what
28:58
Speaker 1: do you see in each other? Or? Uh, this thing
29:01
Speaker 1: blew my mind. Like people stay in relationships when the
29:05
Speaker 1: partnership sucks, and when the sex sucks. I'm like, what
29:07
Speaker 1: are you doing? Leave? Like I cannot imagine, Like you
29:10
Speaker 1: are a sex having person and you are choosing to
29:14
Speaker 1: like stay with the bad sex. Like what I want
29:17
Speaker 1: that term sex having person to be coined for you.
29:22
Speaker 1: That's a fantastic a little to my sex having. Yeah,
29:26
Speaker 1: I like it a lot. I like it a lot.
29:28
Speaker 1: I don't want that to be the statement can put
29:29
Speaker 1: that in a spectrum. We have some more to discuss
29:33
Speaker 1: with you listeners, but first we're gonna pause for a
29:35
Speaker 1: quick break for a word from our sponsor, and we're back.
29:50
Speaker 1: Thank you. Sponsor. Yeah. I mentioned recently on another podcast
29:55
Speaker 1: that for me, when I was growing up, all my
29:59
Speaker 1: friends started be attracted to people and talking about how
30:01
Speaker 1: much they wanted sex, and I would just be like,
30:03
Speaker 1: uh huh yeah, and trying to fit in. It just
30:08
Speaker 1: never happened. It never happened for you. It's been the
30:15
Speaker 1: last couple of years that you've been able because you've
30:18
Speaker 1: tried to have relationships. I had how to force that
30:21
Speaker 1: level of like relationships means intimacy, intimacies me designing you
30:25
Speaker 1: as a sexual being and I'm like, and you're like,
30:28
Speaker 1: I don't, I don't. Yeah, that that's been a real
30:31
Speaker 1: because we never see representation of a sexuality, Like I
30:34
Speaker 1: just assumed, um, and I've always identified as bisexual as well,
30:39
Speaker 1: but I just assumed like eventually I would meet the
30:41
Speaker 1: person and I would want to have sex with that person. Yeah,
30:44
Speaker 1: And it just never happened. And I thought, well, I've honestly,
30:50
Speaker 1: I've gone through a lot of guilt because I cared
30:54
Speaker 1: about these people, and I thought, with enough time, I've
31:00
Speaker 1: probably will want to have sex with you. And it
31:01
Speaker 1: just never happened. And in our society, I think because
31:07
Speaker 1: we don't talk about this because we don't see it. Um,
31:11
Speaker 1: there is this, especially for women, obligation that you are
31:15
Speaker 1: going to give give sex like your that's your duty exactly.
31:20
Speaker 1: And I felt horrible about it because I didn't of
31:23
Speaker 1: them make you feel bad? No, um, well some people did,
31:27
Speaker 1: but they I dumped them, but like exactly right. But
31:30
Speaker 1: I did have, um, a couple of relationships that were
31:35
Speaker 1: longer term, and they never pressured me, but I still
31:38
Speaker 1: could sense it, you know what I mean, Like, and
31:41
Speaker 1: I I felt bad because I knew they wanted it,
31:46
Speaker 1: and and I didn't know myself little enough to have
31:49
Speaker 1: been able to communicate that too, you know what I mean, Like,
31:52
Speaker 1: oh yeah, that is the other question. How do you
31:54
Speaker 1: communicate that with people today that you meet or maybe
31:57
Speaker 1: are interested in platonically and or just the emotionally. How
32:00
Speaker 1: do you communicate, Hey, I'm a sexual, this is who
32:03
Speaker 1: I am. This is like is it just a normal conversation?
32:05
Speaker 1: Is the first thing you say? Like what how do
32:08
Speaker 1: you do this? So? I actually had dinner with a
32:10
Speaker 1: friend and her friend, uh sis hetero woman and a
32:14
Speaker 1: SISS hetero man, and we were talking about relationships and stuff,
32:20
Speaker 1: and I think the guy asked me like if I
32:22
Speaker 1: had ever dated, or like do I date or something?
32:25
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh no, I don't do that.
32:27
Speaker 1: And my friend was like, but you have to give
32:28
Speaker 1: the backstory, and so I was like, here's the backstory.
32:32
Speaker 1: I'm a sexual. I'm not interested. Um, usually I just
32:37
Speaker 1: say it like that. I'm like, usually nobody knows what
32:40
Speaker 1: it means. So I'm like gearing myself up to have
32:43
Speaker 1: to explain it. But it's just easier than being like, hey,
32:47
Speaker 1: so you know, um, as far as relationships go, I've
32:51
Speaker 1: kind of deliberately stayed away from them because I don't
32:55
Speaker 1: know how to approach it. I'm like, do I say that?
32:57
Speaker 1: Like like when I walk in and we've like we're
33:00
Speaker 1: sitting down together and I'm like, hey, hello, I'm a sexual.
33:04
Speaker 1: Like like I feel like I need to have like
33:06
Speaker 1: a name tag on, put it on like my all
33:09
Speaker 1: my social media profiles, Like just so you guys know, um,
33:13
Speaker 1: do I assume that like they've googled me beforehand? And
33:16
Speaker 1: then like saw, I have no idea? Uh that's yeah,
33:20
Speaker 1: that's to be determined. I'll keep you guys updated or
33:23
Speaker 1: not again, Like that's not something that you would not
33:26
Speaker 1: want to do without a relationship we're talking about in general,
33:29
Speaker 1: just an emotional connection, whether it's to go on dates
33:32
Speaker 1: or whether it's to have brunch with someone, because sometimes
33:35
Speaker 1: for me being new in any kind of relationships in general,
33:38
Speaker 1: just like me and I just want someone to go
33:39
Speaker 1: with me to brunch and just have a conversation with
33:42
Speaker 1: and that's the relationship in itself, which would be nice.
33:45
Speaker 1: So I'm assuming that companionship. So how do you even
33:48
Speaker 1: approach that? In understanding your all sexuality and being good
33:52
Speaker 1: with what you are, but now you've got to share
33:54
Speaker 1: it with someone as well. Yeah, I actually do have.
33:57
Speaker 1: Um I called them my possibility models because one is
34:03
Speaker 1: by and Ace but a demisexual, which is the type
34:07
Speaker 1: of a sexuality where you gain sexual attraction after um
34:12
Speaker 1: emotional attraction, and she is with a lesbian who she
34:18
Speaker 1: described as very much not a sexual. And I'm kind
34:20
Speaker 1: of like, well, you guys are like living the life
34:23
Speaker 1: you've got, like your house and your four cats, and
34:25
Speaker 1: I like, I really want to be just like you guys. Um,
34:29
Speaker 1: so I think it's possible. But at the same time
34:31
Speaker 1: that that relationship came out of like a long term friendship,
34:34
Speaker 1: and so I'm kind of like looking more for my
34:38
Speaker 1: friends to like set me up with people they know,
34:42
Speaker 1: because like the idea of like swiping and like, oh
34:45
Speaker 1: it's ugly. It just feels awful, especially when like everybody's like, oh,
34:49
Speaker 1: get on tender and I'm like, isn't that the one
34:50
Speaker 1: that people go to explicitly for sex? Like why are
34:53
Speaker 1: you telling me? It feels like falls adverage arct. Yeah
35:01
Speaker 1: that reminds me of have you seen bow Jack Horseman?
35:05
Speaker 1: I haven't, but I heard there's a really great a
35:07
Speaker 1: sexual character and yeah, a sexual character and uh in
35:11
Speaker 1: the last season, the most recent season, they like develop
35:15
Speaker 1: an app for aces to meet other caces. Oh, that
35:19
Speaker 1: would be really cool. Yeah, product idea, let's do this y'all.
35:25
Speaker 1: Here we go start a business together. Is that like
35:27
Speaker 1: aren't the people with that skill set like in this building?
35:30
Speaker 1: Would the podcast goes silent? App um? So you mentioned
35:40
Speaker 1: INMI sexual, I wonder if you could um off the
35:42
Speaker 1: top of your head and if not, that's totally cool.
35:44
Speaker 1: But the other types of sexual a sexuality, um, so
35:48
Speaker 1: I believe that great a sexual or I think gray
35:53
Speaker 1: sexual because words um is when you have sexual attraction sometimes,
36:00
Speaker 1: So those would be the people who are like I
36:02
Speaker 1: guess like your model a sexual for everybody who is
36:06
Speaker 1: not a sexual, be like, oh no, sometimes you are
36:08
Speaker 1: interesting in sex. It's not quite like the woman who
36:11
Speaker 1: like has migraines a lot, or maybe she does have
36:15
Speaker 1: migraines a lot because she doesn't know how to disappoint
36:17
Speaker 1: you by telling that she does not want to have
36:19
Speaker 1: sex with it, but the sex with bad, where the
36:22
Speaker 1: sex with you is bad, Stop having bad sex you guys, Like,
36:25
Speaker 1: why why are people who's not doing it sex? If
36:33
Speaker 1: you're bad at it, get better the next episode. Um.
36:40
Speaker 1: And then there is auto chorus sexual or ed geo
36:45
Speaker 1: sexual a e g o sexual um, which is sexual
36:51
Speaker 1: attraction that's kind of like detached. And that's kind of
36:54
Speaker 1: what I experienced. So like when I say, don't fantasize
36:56
Speaker 1: about people I actually know, it's also like not me
36:59
Speaker 1: in the phantom see either, I don't know something about
37:01
Speaker 1: it just feels like really weird and gross and personal. Um.
37:06
Speaker 1: So I guess it would be like when people read
37:09
Speaker 1: erotic fiction and they're like identifying with the characters, but
37:12
Speaker 1: they're not like the character themselves. It's kind of like that.
37:16
Speaker 1: It's really weird when you have one of those moments
37:18
Speaker 1: and then you see them in real life you're like, oh,
37:20
Speaker 1: that is not how I picked her. Due now it
37:22
Speaker 1: just killed everything. No, I don't totally. I'm totally I'm
37:28
Speaker 1: following you. Another another pop culture reference. I don't know
37:31
Speaker 1: how many I have left before my card is full.
37:35
Speaker 1: But Angela Chase on My Soul called Life, she I
37:40
Speaker 1: need to go back and rewatch the series to determine
37:42
Speaker 1: for sure whether or not she counts as an a sicon,
37:44
Speaker 1: But she has a lot of thoughts about like making out.
37:50
Speaker 1: When she starts making out with Jordan Catalano, she's like amaze.
37:52
Speaker 1: She's like I can't believe that this is like a
37:54
Speaker 1: thing that we're doing, and like she's very focused on
37:58
Speaker 1: like it as part of her life versus everything else
38:01
Speaker 1: that's going on. And then there's this like great scene
38:04
Speaker 1: where she's talking about like I can't believe people just
38:07
Speaker 1: like have sex, Like they just like do it with
38:09
Speaker 1: each other, Like my teacher like he probably had sex yesterday,
38:13
Speaker 1: and like this other teacher also probably did and like
38:16
Speaker 1: isn't that weird that we all just kind of like
38:18
Speaker 1: do it and like that's just it? And I was like, yes,
38:22
Speaker 1: Angela and you. That's so weird. I connect. I connect
38:28
Speaker 1: with this um there there was When I was looking
38:33
Speaker 1: into some research, I found the term queer platonic, which
38:37
Speaker 1: is people who experience a type of non romantic relationship
38:40
Speaker 1: where there is an intense emotional connection that goes beyond
38:43
Speaker 1: a traditional friendship. And when I read that, I was like,
38:47
Speaker 1: I have experienced that before. What's the what's the past
38:50
Speaker 1: a traditional friendship? Is that? Like? I think it's for
38:53
Speaker 1: me the way I interpreted it, in the way that
38:55
Speaker 1: the relationship I'm connecting it to. People look at us
38:59
Speaker 1: and said you are in love of I was like,
39:00
Speaker 1: we are not, um, but it was more than a friendship.
39:05
Speaker 1: Like we just experienced such an intense connection and there
39:09
Speaker 1: was never any possibility of sex, neither of us and
39:13
Speaker 1: I am very I have a very bad track record
39:15
Speaker 1: with this, but I know this for sure in this
39:17
Speaker 1: relationship because we discussed it. Also, he was gay. That
39:23
Speaker 1: makes that that's the same question for me, Like what
39:25
Speaker 1: goes from beyond Oh, we're best friends too? Queer platonic,
39:29
Speaker 1: I think because for me, um, most of the time
39:33
Speaker 1: I'm with a best friend me. Yes, it doesn't have
39:40
Speaker 1: the same level of like emotional intensity it has. It
39:45
Speaker 1: does have an emotional intensity, but it's not like the
39:47
Speaker 1: same thing where people look at you and there like
39:49
Speaker 1: I mean, people would tell me you were the same
39:52
Speaker 1: side of the coin, like you you two are meant
39:55
Speaker 1: to be together, like no, we're not UM. But I
39:58
Speaker 1: did experience it, like I felt, I imagine that's the
40:01
Speaker 1: closest I'm ever going to feel to what traditional love
40:04
Speaker 1: is UM in my lifetime. But I could be wrong.
40:08
Speaker 1: I think in this in my example in particular, and
40:10
Speaker 1: this is obviously very personal to me, but it was
40:14
Speaker 1: something where I could recognize, like this is perhaps the
40:19
Speaker 1: clinical thing that people feel. There's no I never wanted
40:22
Speaker 1: to date, like I didn't want sex, but I did
40:25
Speaker 1: feel that like I need to be with this person,
40:29
Speaker 1: I need to talk to this person like all the time,
40:31
Speaker 1: just all the time. And he felt it too, and
40:34
Speaker 1: it was a very strong UM connection that we made.
40:38
Speaker 1: And actually UM the story behind my tattoo, which I
40:41
Speaker 1: won't get into now, but it is quite the story. UM.
40:45
Speaker 1: So just when I read that, I felt, I've had
40:48
Speaker 1: so many people from the outside look at that relationship
40:53
Speaker 1: and tell me you were in love, And I kept
40:55
Speaker 1: trying to express I wasn't, or at least not in
40:58
Speaker 1: the way that you mean it. Um, but I can
41:01
Speaker 1: I can understand looking from that side. I just I
41:04
Speaker 1: knew the feeling myself, and I was very confident in
41:09
Speaker 1: like we might have loved each other, but we weren't
41:11
Speaker 1: and wild right, that makes sense to be a research
41:14
Speaker 1: queer platonic a little more. Should just like a like
41:17
Speaker 1: a Will in Greece. Hyll with you on that one? Yeah,
41:26
Speaker 1: the will you have a baby with me, but we're
41:28
Speaker 1: not together together. Yeah. I haven't seen All Grace a
41:32
Speaker 1: long time, but I'll have to. I don't think I've
41:34
Speaker 1: ever watched more than two episodes. Mm hmm. That's because
41:37
Speaker 1: growing up I just never watched TV as much m hm.
41:41
Speaker 1: And that that was the era I didn't watch a
41:43
Speaker 1: lot of TV. Because I'm trying to relate, I can't
41:46
Speaker 1: now I know more. I will say that. But Will
41:49
Speaker 1: and Grace was not in my forte I'm trying to
41:52
Speaker 1: think of when what years were those, like early two
41:55
Speaker 1: thousand's to late two thousands. That was being religious, Yes,
41:59
Speaker 1: that was me being religious, and I'm like, I'm not
42:01
Speaker 1: watching TV. I watched religion. Princess Bride was my go
42:06
Speaker 1: to what princess Bride? Yeah, that's I almost got really
42:12
Speaker 1: disheartened with you when you just say about princess bride. Okay,
42:17
Speaker 1: now I got you. Okay, all right, we're okay. Now, okay, good,
42:20
Speaker 1: We're okay. We have a little bit more for you listeners,
42:23
Speaker 1: but first we have one more quick break for words
42:25
Speaker 1: from our sponsor, and we're back. Thank you sponsor. Um. So,
42:43
Speaker 1: I was looking at this website where it was like
42:48
Speaker 1: how to tell if you're a sexual and essentially if
42:51
Speaker 1: you don't experience sexual attraction. That's pretty good. First question
42:55
Speaker 1: to ask, um, would you have any advice for people
43:00
Speaker 1: who are maybe newly discovering that they're a sexual or
43:05
Speaker 1: maybe questions they can ask themselves to find out if
43:10
Speaker 1: they are if they think they might be. Now I
43:12
Speaker 1: want to do like are you a spango or something?
43:16
Speaker 1: That'd be awesome. I want to encourage that. Yeah, I'm
43:21
Speaker 1: just gonna say that, please play games. I love games.
43:24
Speaker 1: Keep going. Um, I would say, definitely talk to the
43:28
Speaker 1: people around you, like your friends, about like when they're
43:31
Speaker 1: in relationships with people and how they feel about the
43:33
Speaker 1: person there with versus how you feel. Because, like I said,
43:37
Speaker 1: everything was normal until I found out it wasn't. And
43:41
Speaker 1: I guess pay attention to like TV shows and how
43:44
Speaker 1: relationships are presented there, and like thee that feeling of
43:47
Speaker 1: like the natural progression of our relationship leading to sex,
43:50
Speaker 1: And are you kind of like, yeah, I buy this,
43:52
Speaker 1: Like I totally like that's how I feel about the
43:54
Speaker 1: person I'm with, or you kind of like I don't
43:56
Speaker 1: get why every relationship is like ending its sex. Can
43:59
Speaker 1: we just like watch people like hang out, we watch
44:01
Speaker 1: people to be queerly platonic together? Yes, Um, that's the
44:07
Speaker 1: brand new sitcom queerly platonic that's gonna beyond the channel.
44:11
Speaker 1: The ideas in this episode CINGO clearly botonic. I mean
44:18
Speaker 1: that is amazing. I I have to say, like, I
44:23
Speaker 1: grew up in a very small town and it was
44:25
Speaker 1: very conservative, and so I just wasn't exposed to a
44:28
Speaker 1: lot of different and a lot of us aren't through
44:31
Speaker 1: media anyway, but I wasn't exposed to a lot of
44:33
Speaker 1: different relationships. And every time I see one like odd
44:38
Speaker 1: on bow Jack Horsemen, it's just the most amazing thing.
44:42
Speaker 1: So I can't believe it took this long to see
44:45
Speaker 1: something like this. Um, do you have since you are
44:49
Speaker 1: so into pop culture, have you given several examples already,
44:53
Speaker 1: But do you have any other ace icons as you've
44:56
Speaker 1: been calling them? Not really I look for them every
45:00
Speaker 1: and then they have sex and it's like and it's
45:04
Speaker 1: like their whole life changes. Like on Riverdale, Jugead um
45:07
Speaker 1: was I still can't figure out at what point he
45:11
Speaker 1: was declared a sexual and if it was supposed to
45:12
Speaker 1: be like Jugead in the comics or Junkhead in the show.
45:16
Speaker 1: But if he's supposed to be a sexual in the show,
45:18
Speaker 1: they completely botched it because they have not addressed anything
45:21
Speaker 1: around sex. And then his relationship with Betty. Sorry spoilers.
45:25
Speaker 1: I guess um they are just like any other team
45:29
Speaker 1: couple and have sex and like for like an episode
45:32
Speaker 1: before and a few episodes after. I was just kind
45:34
Speaker 1: of like waiting for them to like address it, and
45:36
Speaker 1: nobody ever did. Um. Yeah, most of actually like googled
45:41
Speaker 1: to see like um to like jog my memory and
45:43
Speaker 1: see if there was somebody I was missing. And Todd
45:46
Speaker 1: from BoJack Horseman was the only one who anybody could
45:48
Speaker 1: agree was like actually a sexual and not like on
45:51
Speaker 1: the spectrum or otherwise like had other reasons for not
45:55
Speaker 1: being interested in sex or uh sex averse or just
45:58
Speaker 1: like somebody who never had sex. Like somebody put out
46:01
Speaker 1: there that Dumbledore is a sexual and I was like,
46:03
Speaker 1: come on, you guys, like that's not just not seeing
46:06
Speaker 1: somebody have sex. It's not a sexual. And if somebody
46:08
Speaker 1: were to be a sexual and then Icon it would
46:11
Speaker 1: be McGonagall, like, let's be real. Then you would say
46:15
Speaker 1: her in Dumbledoors relationship could be clearly platonic. It's all
46:20
Speaker 1: coming together. We just did it, and we have brought
46:23
Speaker 1: another Harry Potter reference. You're welcome Annie once per episode. Yeah,
46:32
Speaker 1: so right now, I would say YouTube are ace Icon
46:40
Speaker 1: very like, I am so new to this, but I
46:42
Speaker 1: think because you're asking the right questions and you're having
46:45
Speaker 1: this conversation and you're making it a very clear as
46:49
Speaker 1: well as the fact that there's a spectrum. You too,
46:52
Speaker 1: in my humble opinion, are a psychon. Well, thank you.
46:58
Speaker 1: If I had an award for you, I'll give you one,
47:01
Speaker 1: so pretend like I did. Thank you, so beautiful, shiny,
47:06
Speaker 1: it's so big. Sorry, Um, yeah, I feel I mean
47:16
Speaker 1: there's a lot to unpack in our media. Always we
47:20
Speaker 1: come back to that but just I do think that, um,
47:26
Speaker 1: every time man and women are on screen together, they
47:30
Speaker 1: have to have sex eventually, and it's very right. Well,
47:32
Speaker 1: that's also like the sad part of any kind of
47:34
Speaker 1: friends shows the fact that opposite sex when they're together,
47:37
Speaker 1: I'm not going to have sex to lesbians can't be
47:40
Speaker 1: just friends. They're going to have sex as well. Or
47:42
Speaker 1: two homosexual men they're going to have sex as well,
47:44
Speaker 1: even though they may just be flipping friends. Yeah. Um,
47:48
Speaker 1: everything has to do with sex apparently in our media. Yes,
47:55
Speaker 1: But the fact is that having conversations like this to
47:58
Speaker 1: be able to um go beyond generalizations as well as
48:02
Speaker 1: understanding that there are people that are seen like that's
48:05
Speaker 1: the biggest part is can I be seen and you
48:08
Speaker 1: two are those sort of like I see you because
48:10
Speaker 1: I am you, And that is a bigger part of
48:12
Speaker 1: the conversation that needs to happen. Whether it's you writing
48:14
Speaker 1: an article in teen Boat, which is fantastic because that's
48:17
Speaker 1: such a big medium in itself, as well as doing
48:20
Speaker 1: podcasts specifically specifically two girls about Hey, it's okay, you're
48:25
Speaker 1: not just here for sex and if you don't feel
48:27
Speaker 1: sex with attraction, that's okay. Too. Yeah, because that is
48:31
Speaker 1: another common misconception, um that people report feeling broken because
48:37
Speaker 1: they don't because it is. Um. Like I said, when
48:42
Speaker 1: my friends all were experiencing it and I wasn't, I
48:46
Speaker 1: thought something must be wrong. Um, And yeah, it's just
48:52
Speaker 1: it's on the spectrum. It's something and you can experience
48:55
Speaker 1: it in many different ways. You can never romantic attraction.
48:58
Speaker 1: You could sometimes be attracted. UM. So I'm very glad
49:02
Speaker 1: that you you came on, you agreed to come on
49:04
Speaker 1: and talk to us. Yeah. Yeah, I'm open for all
49:09
Speaker 1: any and all a sexuality questions because apparently there's nobody
49:13
Speaker 1: else out here taking them, so I might as well
49:17
Speaker 1: put myself out. I mean, I've already put myself out there,
49:19
Speaker 1: but I'm still here. And any other conversation is for
49:23
Speaker 1: people of color, myself included. We are so so overly
49:26
Speaker 1: sexualized to be that person be like nope, no, I'm
49:30
Speaker 1: good without it. I'm sure that's a whole different like
49:33
Speaker 1: shock factor for many of people in itself, because I
49:36
Speaker 1: think as an Asian woman who there's a damn fetish
49:39
Speaker 1: for which is creep by the way, Um, it is,
49:44
Speaker 1: it's hard to recognize separation of female specific race and sexuality,
49:50
Speaker 1: and to separate that would be like cataclysmic from many men.
49:54
Speaker 1: And they're weird fantasy worlds. They're weird fantasy world that's
50:00
Speaker 1: fantasy is are not bad. But I'm just saying, like
50:02
Speaker 1: I've definitely had the weird people approached me, I would
50:07
Speaker 1: apologize for them. They should apologize themselves. True story, true story,
50:13
Speaker 1: And again having that conversation again, women are not just
50:17
Speaker 1: for sex, which is the opposite of what we're seeing
50:22
Speaker 1: and the conversations in the world and around the world
50:25
Speaker 1: and the value of women in general. Are people who
50:27
Speaker 1: identify as women or identify as female and given non
50:30
Speaker 1: binary and being seen as female, we are able to
50:35
Speaker 1: make our own decisions of who we are and what
50:37
Speaker 1: we prefer, what we don't prefer. Yeah, or just be
50:42
Speaker 1: treated like humans who are for a certain way what ridiculous. Um, Yeah,
50:52
Speaker 1: we really appreciate you coming on. Is there anything else
50:55
Speaker 1: that you want to touch on before we close out?
50:58
Speaker 1: I don't think so, but I'm really good for remembering
51:02
Speaker 1: stuff later, Like as I drive away, I'll probably think, God,
51:04
Speaker 1: that's what I said. Well, you're welcome back. Anything outside
51:11
Speaker 1: of now you have that's his friends, But outside of us.
51:14
Speaker 1: So your bagels and your coffee anytime come home Tuesdays.
51:20
Speaker 1: This is how I do things. I only come to
51:22
Speaker 1: eat food. I mean that's that was until I am UM.
51:27
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, anytime you want to come back, whether
51:29
Speaker 1: it's to talk about this our pop culture or whatever.
51:33
Speaker 1: And also I would love to keep talking about CARE
51:34
Speaker 1: because I think they do some really good things and
51:36
Speaker 1: really necessary things, especially right now and the fight for
51:40
Speaker 1: UM against poverty and then just equal representation. Yea. If
51:45
Speaker 1: anybody wants to shoot a message to CARE on Twitter
51:49
Speaker 1: or Facebook, that'll be me replying back to you. So
51:52
Speaker 1: ask me how to donate or how to get donate.
51:57
Speaker 1: And speaking of um, where can people find you? And
52:00
Speaker 1: are there any projects you're working on that you're excited
52:03
Speaker 1: about on the horizon. Not currently working on anything because
52:08
Speaker 1: I left media and then just kind of like stayed
52:12
Speaker 1: gone with like a toe in the door. So I'm
52:15
Speaker 1: working on getting the rest of my foot and body
52:17
Speaker 1: through back through the door. Um. But people can find
52:20
Speaker 1: me on Twitter and Instagram at Joe a Dance so
52:24
Speaker 1: j o A d A n s oh my last name. Um,
52:29
Speaker 1: people say I'm funny. So I got an iPhone tent.
52:32
Speaker 1: I keep taking pictures of my cats, so if you
52:34
Speaker 1: want to see those, yeah, you know, a cat person, absolutely,
52:39
Speaker 1: I'm a dog person. Sorry, here we go. I'm a neither.
52:43
Speaker 1: She doesn't like animals, fish, I don't mind. How about this.
52:48
Speaker 1: I'm just generally neutral, animal neutral, animal neutral. Um. But yes,
52:55
Speaker 1: pictures of cats on the iPhone. Tain can't do better
52:58
Speaker 1: than that. Everybody right, right, And that brings us to
53:04
Speaker 1: the end of our interview. I have to tell you
53:08
Speaker 1: all the time, I am so amazed, and I feel
53:11
Speaker 1: so fortunate for the people who are willing to come
53:13
Speaker 1: in and doctors, they're so awesome. Un yes, and hopefully
53:17
Speaker 1: she will be back. I'm pretty sure we'll bring her back.
53:20
Speaker 1: He's too smart. We gotta put her on everything. Let's
53:22
Speaker 1: go ahead through all the things. Let's do that. If
53:26
Speaker 1: you want to hear more of Agile's work, don't forget
53:29
Speaker 1: to check out her podcast about South podcast. Um. But
53:33
Speaker 1: in the meantime, this brings us to the end of
53:36
Speaker 1: this episode. But we would love to hear from you
53:38
Speaker 1: listeners if you would like to email, as you can
53:41
Speaker 1: at our new emails It is Tough media Mom stuff
53:45
Speaker 1: at I heart radio dot com and all anything you
53:49
Speaker 1: said to the old email address. We have had so
53:51
Speaker 1: many email addresses, and if I had the time and
53:54
Speaker 1: my boss wouldn't yell at me, I would talk about
53:57
Speaker 1: the history of the email address. But I'm sure no
54:00
Speaker 1: one is interested in it but me. Um. But any
54:03
Speaker 1: of the old email addresses you email it will eventually
54:06
Speaker 1: arrive at It's that one. Sorry, Oh it is a
54:10
Speaker 1: long and long it is it is. You can also
54:16
Speaker 1: find us on social media. You can find us on
54:18
Speaker 1: Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You and on Twitter
54:20
Speaker 1: at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to our super
54:24
Speaker 1: producer Andrew Howard Andrew Haward, and thanks to you for listening.
54:29
Speaker 1: Steph I've Never Told You. It's a production of I
54:31
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