Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: So, we've spent a lot of episodes talking about bosses who are absent, or micromanagers, or credit-takers. But there's a whole other category of difficult boss that I think we haven't really drilled into yet — the boss who openly plays favorites. Luna: Oh, that's a good one. And I bet a lot of our listeners have been there. It's that feeling of walking into a meeting and knowing that your colleague's idea is going to get the nod, no matter what you say. Lucas: Exactly. And before we get into the tactics, I want to mention something. We keep this show ad-free, and that's because listeners who find value in it sometimes decide to support us. If you've ever gotten a useful tip from an episode, or even just felt a little less alone in a tough work situation, you can help keep us going at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: Yeah, it's a small thing that makes a big difference for us. And honestly, if you're listening to this episode, you're probably dealing with some version of office politics — and that's exactly why these conversations matter. Lucas: Right. So, let's get into it. Favoritism at work — it's one of those things that everyone knows about, but it's rarely addressed head-on. And part of the reason is that it can be hard to pin down. It's not always as obvious as the boss taking their favorite to lunch and leaving you behind. Luna: True. Sometimes it's subtle — like they get the better projects, or their mistakes get glossed over, or they're the only one invited to the informal chats. Lucas: And that's the thing: the impact is real, but it's often built on a hundred small, deniable moments. You can't point to one incident and say, 'that's favoritism.' So what do you do? First, take a step back and assess whether it's actually favoritism or just a different working style. I know that sounds obvious, but we all have a tendency to read bias into things that might just be a personality fit. Luna: So, what's the difference? How do you tell if it's real favoritism versus just a boss who clicks with someone? Lucas: A few questions to ask yourself. Is the favored colleague actually producing better results? If they are, the boss might just be rewarding performance — which, while sometimes frustrating, is at least rational. Second, is it consistent? If the boss cycles through favorites, that's different from having one clear 'golden child.' And third, are you being excluded from opportunities that directly affect your career growth — like high-visibility projects or client meetings? If it's just a social connection, that might not be worth a battle. Luna: Okay, so if it is actual favoritism, and it's affecting your work, what's the first move? Lucas: Before you talk to anyone, document everything. Write down specific instances: dates, what was said, what was decided, how it impacted your work. This isn't about building a case for HR — it's about getting clarity for yourself. When we're in the middle of a frustrating dynamic, our memory plays tricks on us. Having a log helps you see patterns and also gives you concrete examples if you do decide to raise it. Luna: That's smart. And it's also a good way to check your own assumptions. You might realize that it's actually you who's misreading things. Lucas: Exactly. But let's say the pattern is real. The next step is to focus on what you can control: your own value. Often, the favored colleague gets the spotlight because they've become the boss's go-to for certain things. So, find a gap. What's a problem your boss needs solved that no one is solving? And become the person who solves it. That's not about being a sycophant — it's about making yourself indispensable in a way that's visible. Luna: So, you're saying to not directly challenge the favoritism, but to build your own currency? Lucas: Right. And that might mean volunteering for the unglamorous task that everyone avoids, but doing it so well that the boss has to notice. Or it could mean building relationships with other leaders in the organization, so you're not solely dependent on your boss's approval. That's a long game, but it pays off. Luna: I've also seen situations where the favoritism is so blatant that it creates a toxic team culture. People start to disengage, or they gossip, or they start gunning for the favored person. That can backfire on everyone, including the boss. Lucas: Absolutely. And if that's happening, you might need to have a direct conversation with your boss — but not about 'favoritism.' That word is a landmine. Instead, frame it around your own development. Something like, 'I've noticed that Alex has been leading the client presentations lately. I'd love to get more exposure to that. What would it take for me to be considered for that kind of opportunity?' Luna: That's a good approach. It puts the focus on your growth, not on accusing them of being unfair. Lucas: And it also gives them a chance to reveal their reasoning. If they say, 'Well, Alex has more experience with that client,' then you have a specific gap to close. If they say, 'Oh, I just thought you were busy,' then you can correct that. But if they get defensive or dismissive, that tells you a lot about your position. Luna: What if the favoritism is tied to something like a personal relationship — like the favorite is the boss's friend's son, or they go to the same gym? Then it's not about performance at all. Lucas: That's the hardest situation, because no amount of 'value-add' is going to change a relationship-based preference. If that's the case, you really have to weigh your options. Is this dynamic something you can tolerate, or is it a sign that your growth will be limited? Sometimes the most strategic move is to start looking for a new role — either within the company, under a different boss, or outside the organization. Luna: But before you jump ship, what about going to HR? When is that appropriate? Lucas: HR is for when it crosses a line into discrimination or harassment — like if the favoritism is clearly based on gender, race, age, or another protected characteristic. Then it's not just a personality clash; it's a legal issue. But if it's just 'I like working with this person more,' HR is unlikely to do much. They might have a conversation with the boss, but that can easily backfire and make things worse for you. Luna: So, it's a last resort, not a first move. Lucas: Right. And before you even consider it, make sure you've documented everything and ideally talked to the boss first. And I'd also suggest talking to a mentor or someone you trust in leadership — not to complain, but to get their read on the situation. They might know something you don't, like that the boss is under pressure to promote that person, or that there's a legitimate reason for the preferential treatment. Luna: Have you seen a situation where someone actually turned it around? Like, the favored dynamic changed? Lucas: Yeah, I remember a case at a marketing agency where a colleague was clearly the boss's favorite — they came from the same school, they played golf together. The rest of the team resented it, but one person decided to work with it rather than against it. She made an effort to partner with the favorite on a big project. She didn't suck up, but she found ways to complement their strengths. Over time, the boss started to see her as part of the 'inner circle' too, because she was associated with the favorite's wins. Luna: That's clever — essentially borrowing the halo effect. Lucas: Exactly. It's not about becoming the favorite, but about becoming adjacent to them. And that can sometimes break the dynamic, because the boss's perception of you shifts. Instead of being someone who's not 'on the team,' you become someone who's contributing to the team's success. Luna: What if the favoritism is so bad that it's affecting your mental health? I mean, every day you walk in and feel invisible, or worse, actively undervalued. That takes a toll. Lucas: It absolutely does. And at that point, you have to put your well-being first. I'd say if you've tried the direct conversation, you've focused on your value, and you've tried building alliances, but nothing has changed, then it might be time to leave. Not as a threat, but as a rational business decision. You're the CEO of your own career, and if the environment isn't going to let you grow, you owe it to yourself to find one that will. Luna: That's a great framing. And it's not about running away — it's about recognizing when you're fighting a losing battle. Lucas: Right. And I want to be clear: I'm not saying to give up at the first sign of unfairness. Favoritism is a spectrum, and sometimes it's just a quirk of your boss's personality. But when it becomes a pattern that systematically excludes you from opportunities, that's a structural problem. And you have to decide whether you're willing to work within that structure or whether you need to find a new one. Luna: So, if someone's listening and they're nodding along, what's the one thing you'd want them to do this week? Lucas: Start the documentation. Just a simple note on your phone or in a notebook. Write down three or four instances from the past month where you observed favoritism and note the impact on your work. Don't editorialize, just facts. Then, after a week, read it back and ask yourself: is this a clear pattern, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? That's your starting point. Luna: That's a concrete, actionable step. And I'd add: while you're at it, think about one thing you can do to increase your visibility — maybe speak up more in meetings, or share your wins with your boss directly. Lucas: Good addition. And if you end up having that conversation with your boss, remember to keep it professional and forward-looking. You're not there to accuse them of being unfair; you're there to talk about your career. That's a conversation any reasonable boss should be willing to have. Luna: Unless they're not reasonable. But then you know where you stand. Lucas: Exactly. And that knowledge is valuable, even if it's not the answer you wanted. It tells you what your options are. And sometimes, realizing you have options is enough to take the edge off the frustration. Luna: I think that's a great note to end on. If you're dealing with a boss who plays favorites, you're not alone, and there are steps you can take — starting with clarity, then strategy, and if necessary, a move. Lucas: And if this episode resonated with you, think about supporting the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It helps us keep these conversations going. Thanks for being here, and we'll talk soon.