Latest / Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines / EP 30: Is the Internet Keeping You Angry?

Transcript

EP 30: Is the Internet Keeping You Angry? · Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Learn the Hard Way. My name is Keir Gaines.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: We talk about purpose. We talk about pressure. We talk
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: about what it actually takes to become a full, comprehensive man. Hey,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: what's up, y'all? Welcome back to another episode of the
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Learn the Hard Way podcast. My name is Keir Gaines.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: I am a licensed therapist. I am a keynote speaker.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: I am a New York Times bestselling author. I am
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: a husband. I am a father. And I am Very
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: grateful to sit in front of y'all week after week
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: and just explore life on life's terms. You know how
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: they always say life be lifin'? Life really be lifin',
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: but I'm thankful to have y'all alongside me as we
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: try to navigate what that even means and what it
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: looks like for us. So appreciate y'all. If you're a
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: new listener here, welcome. Make sure you go back and
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: look at all the old episodes so you can get
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: an idea of what it is that we do here.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: And if you are one of the folks that come
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: back week after week, man, thank you for coming back.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Learn the hard way is my favorite thing to do.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I love this podcast. I love what I learned here.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: And I love the audience that I engage with. It
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: is a happy place for me. But everywhere ain't a
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: happy place for everybody. And it seems to me, and
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: maybe it's different for you. I don't know. But it
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: seems to me that the internet is becoming an increasingly
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: more angry place. And I don't know whether it's because
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: y'all ever seen that thing with the two dogs, they
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: behind the gate and they barking, like they barking at
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: each other, like they going to kill each other. They
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: behind the gate and they just snarling the whole nine.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: They just trying to get at each other. And then
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: they remove the gate and the dogs just, you know,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: they just kind of licking their lips and looking around,
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: not really wanting to confront one another. I think that
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: is emblematic of how humans act on the internet. But also,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: maybe we are just really angry right now. There is
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: a bunch of injustice in the world that seems to
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: be either looked past or covered up or excuses are
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: being made for it or not enough attention is being
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: paid to it. And I know some of us are
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: reluctant about accepting the idea of being angry. And my
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: response is always, well, how could you not be with
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: everything that's going on? But I want to talk about
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: anger on the internet. More importantly, I want to talk
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: about what keeps us angry. It's one thing to be
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: aroused by something and have feelings of anger but it's
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: another thing to be kept in the state of anger
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: so that's what that's what we're talking about today you
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: know even looking at my timeline listening to podcasts i
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: try to listen to the opinions of people who i
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: don't agree with just to get a beat for where
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: they at try to stress myself in that way and
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: it's just so fascinating especially people who don't agree with
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: me politically or don't agree with me in terms of
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: masculine ideologies I find that it's this, there's always somebody
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: to blame for something. Like there has to be a
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: bad guy. Back in my grandma church back in the day,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: they used to always talk about the enemy. The enemy
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: is going to come and the enemy is going to,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: and I always wonder who's the enemy? Who are these people?
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: These nameless, faceless people that you know exist. But perhaps,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: perhaps you've been taught something about them that may not
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: be true. And perhaps they're not your enemy. Perhaps they're
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: just people who see the world differently from you. Or
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: perhaps they are trying to destroy you. I don't know.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: But that's why I want to delve into the conversation.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: Because if, you know, back in my neighborhood back in
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: that day, the enemy was the police. Or the enemy
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: were the guys from the other neighborhood. That was the enemy.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: But now you go online and the enemy is anywhere
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: from women to immigrants to white people to black people
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: to politicians to rich people to poor people. It's other men.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: It's other women. It's your boss. It's your ex. It's
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: feminism followers. It's the cultures, the algorithm is you yourself.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: The Internet is just the Internet is incredibly good at
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: making sure that you never run out of somebody to
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: be angry at. Sometimes the anger is justified. But what
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: about when it's not and you can't see it that way? Yeah.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: And I know. How do you reconcile that?
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: You anger feels justifiable just by virtue of it existent.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: But I think that puts us on a dangerously slippery
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: slope when we begin to see all of our anger
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: is justifiable without interrogating it. So today is one of
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: them episodes where we're going to step away from shame,
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: blame and guilt. And we're going to just explore the
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: way that we feel. We're going to think about the
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: way that we think. And we're going to feel around
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: the way that we feel. You cool with that? What
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: am I saying? That's a stupid question. Of course you are. Now,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: the thing is, anger. I've said it before. Anger is
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: a beautiful attention grabber. It gets man. It gets all
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: of our attention and attention is really currency these days,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: especially on these mean green Internet streets. More eyeballs means
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: that now your image and your opinion is something that
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: you commodify. Whenever you can make money from something, it
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: becomes a completely different vehicle every single time. So what
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: happens when you become so focused on who or what
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: is keeping you from the life that you want that
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: you stop paying, you stop actually paying attention to what
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: it is that you're building? What happens when you wake
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: up in the morning, you read a post and the
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: first thing you feel is upset or misunderstood or lied
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: to or belittled or undermined? How does that affect your
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: brain chemistry and how you move throughout the rest of
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: the day? Are you seeing people with differences of opinion
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: as folks who just have different experiences than you and
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: you're free to believe whatever you believe? Or are they
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: a threat to you? How do you perceive them? I
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: plan on talking about a lot of that in today's episode.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: And I want you to join along with me and
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: get some perspective. Widen that aperture a little bit. You
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: know what I'm saying? I get your aperture widened. So
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: you down for the conversation? Yeah. I know you said, yeah,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: last time I had to double check. All right. With
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: all that said, let's get into it. I have a
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: question for you. Who keeps telling you to be angry
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: and anger in, especially in a black community? Let's let's
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: let's cut this out real quick. Let's let's let's take
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: this cut this piece away from the rest of the
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: fabric and just examine it real quick. The word anger
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: in the black community can be. It could be tricky
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: because you will hear people call. You will hear black
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: men say all the time, like, no, as soon as
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: I respond, I'll be the angry black man because the
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: angry black man is a stereotype. Or you hear women say, no,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: because as soon as I am vocal about my displeasure,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: I become the angry black woman because angry black woman
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: is a stereotype that there are a lot of shared
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: experiences that black men and black women have. And that's
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: one of them. And this is not germane to black people.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people get this. But there's
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: something about anger in the way we manipulate that word
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: that always insinuated to me or inferred that the person
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: doesn't have the right to be angry. As if their
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: anger is frivolous or they're making too much out of
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: something that shouldn't be. I've never personally felt that way,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: but it gets framed that way often. And it makes
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: me wonder, like on the Internet. do we see these
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: people with angry for a specific reason? There are groups
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: of people in this country that get called angry. And
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I see why they're angry. Like if
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: I was a part of that group, I'd be angry too.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I am an angry black man. This is a
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: frustrating experience to live with that. And I think I
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: deserve my anger, not to spew misplaced anger on anybody else,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: but I think my anger is justifiable 100%. When we
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: transition to the internet, It goes from anger to rage sometimes.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Have y'all noticed that with people? And the rage is
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: an effective tool for keeping our attention again, but it's
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: not necessarily an effective tool to honor our humanism. There's
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: so many touch points to get left out when we
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: jump straight to anger. Now, there is a neurochemical change
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: that occurs sometimes. when we're angry and we're scrolling. You
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: ever had the experience, you see a piece of content
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: you hate, and then you click that person's profile and
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: you hate the content. You hate it. And then you
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: just keep watching it. And you keep watching it. And
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: you keep watching it. And you watch the other content.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And in a very strange way, it almost feels good
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: to dislike it. Like there's something that feels validating about
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: seeing this thing and being, ugh, I'm disgusted by this.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: But keep watching it. They call it hate watching. And
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: apparently that's a thing. When you don't care for the person,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: you don't care for their approach or their candor, but
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: you continue to watch their content or you continue to
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: monitor their content. And then sometimes you may actually make
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: negative comments about them. Why is that? I never quite
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: understood outside of the immediate feeling of a sense of
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: maybe moral superiority or a sense of being able to
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: define the thing clearly as something you don't like. And
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: in a society that constantly makes a lot of people
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: feel like they have to like or tolerate things that
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: they don't care for. What kind of freedom it is
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: to just outright dislike something. Just not, I hate that.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: And not having to self-correct, not having to put it politely,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: but just to speak your mind and your heart that bluntly.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I think that is liberating to some people. I think
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: it's very validating. But the question I always have when
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: this conversation comes up is, why is it that outrage
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: feels more compelling than curiosity or nuance or even happiness?
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know the answer to that because I think
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: that's a better question for a neuroscientist, but I've always
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: believed it's because your brain sometimes feels like anger is protective.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Like anger is protecting you in a way that curiosity,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: nuance and happiness cannot. Like, do you really have to
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: protect yourself from happiness? It seems counterintuitive to even say
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: something like that, right? But when you continue to consume
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: content that makes you angry, at what point does that
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: anger become almost like a habit? I remember on, on
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: social media a while ago, somebody said, um, People don't
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: know how to feel, so they just feel sad. And
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I think it was another therapist. I'm like, oh, I
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: feel like you almost got that right. It's not that people...
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I think they said people are addicted to feeling sad.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: And it's not always that people are addicted to feeling
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: sad or angry. Sometimes feeling sad or angry are the
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: most accessible feelings to people. It's the one you can
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: access the quickest. It's the one that you can recognize
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: the quickest. If I'm feeling confused... That's like a hodgepodge.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of like in limbo. I'm a little bit
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: on both sides. But if I'm feeling angry, there is
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: no question about which side I'm on. It allows you
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: to label, categorize, identify the way that you feel and
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: stand on that. But what if you're standing on it
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: for the wrong reasons? There's these examples of what I've
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: seen on the Internet that kind of became the explanation
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: for somebody's Behavior change. And you let me know if
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: you see if you've heard any of these before, because
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: you don't just get angry. Like there are things that
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: that incite that anger phrases like women don't want good
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: men anymore. These broad, generalized statements that don't apply to everyone.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: But as soon as you begin to argue these points,
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: you know, a million trap doors pop up of what
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: abouts and did you consider this? There's another one. Immigrants
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: are taking all of your opportunities. It's a broad statement
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: that hits people in their most vulnerable spot to make
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: them feel something deeply. This is one of the ones
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I hear all the time. Nobody wants to work anymore.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: If you are a person who is looking for employment
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: or who enjoys working hard, And there's a stereotype about
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: the group that you're a part of that you don't
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: work hard. That may make you angry. And I think
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: deservedly so. What about, oh, this is an unpopular one.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Rich people are keeping everybody poor. I'm sure there are
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: a lot of rich people that don't see eye to
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: eye with that. Right. What about nobody respects men anymore?
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: That's a really good red pill talking point right there. Well,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say good. It's a really effective red pill
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: talking point. And look, there's this thing that exists, confirmation bias,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: where if you believe something deeply, your brain will go
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: searching for evidence that that is true. And it's not
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: like the only evidence that you see is the evidence
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: that is true. It's just you will deprioritize anything that
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: counters the evidence. You will throw away anything that challenges evidence.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: the most predominant thought in your head. If you think
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: that people don't respect men anymore, then you will read
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: a hundred posts where 72 people are saying something either
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: positive about respecting men or neutral, like indifferent, they just
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: don't care. But you'll hyper-focus on the smaller, much smaller
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: percentage of people who are saying something negative. You will
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: go hunting for that. And if you don't think that's true,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: you know, if you, you ever had a friend or
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: a cousin or somebody in your family buy a car?
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: They bought a blue Jeep. You never seen no damn
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: blue Jeep on the road. And as soon as they
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: buy a blue Jeep, every other car that drives by
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: you is a blue Jeep now. Do you think in
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: the two weeks that your cousin got this new car,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: do you think they just sold a whole bunch of
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: blue Jeeps in your neighborhood? Or do you think those
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: blue Jeeps were always there? And those blue Jeeps weren't
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: on your awareness the same way until you had a
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: person who's very close to you purchase one. So now
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: your brain is kind of prefixed to see those blue
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Jeeps were able to ignore it otherwise. Am I making
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: any sense to anybody out there? I sure hope so.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I think it's imperative that we interrogate our thoughts. In
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: my book, it all starts when you do. I talk
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: about the importance of interrogating your immediate thoughts. I think
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: it's a critical skill to learn. But how do you
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: interrogate a story you're being fed before you even get
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: a chance to build any sort of identity around it
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: or allow your emotions to be impacted by it? You
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: literally don't have a chance to sit with the thought
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and make meaning of what was said before you respond
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: or before you react. And that always makes me think like,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: what exactly is it that you're reacting to? Because sometimes
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: it's not exactly what the person said, but it's the
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: It's the fallout of what we've dealt with from that
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: type of thought. You know, it's the fallout of, you know,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: someone said something inflammatory on the Internet. It's the immediate
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: thought that I have to defend myself from this person.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I have to defend my perspective from this person. By
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: the way, defending your perspective. Sometimes, man, the best thing
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to do is just allow people to be wrong about you.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: I can understand how that is. That could be like
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: fire to your skin. But when people are committed to
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: misunderstanding you, there's nothing you can say to make them
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: feel otherwise. So if you're trying to chase the idea
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: of satisfying people who you fundamentally disagree with, I always
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: think it's a good idea to pause and just allow
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: people to have a difference of opinion. They can think
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: differently from you. They can disagree with you. They're allowed to.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: You do not have to internalize that, which takes a
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: great deal of practice. especially when it comes to the
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: people in our actual lives who are making assumptions about us.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: That never feels good. And it makes me even think,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: how do we recognize when you're responding to the people
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: in your life through assumptions that you brought to them
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: through your feed? My wife and I, we realized that
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: we have two different timelines. My timeline will be seeing
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: something different. I mean, it is an overwhelming blitzkrieg of
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: this message. Whatever that message is, I will be seeing it,
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: seeing it, seeing it, seeing it. And I will bring
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: it to my wife as though this is a huge
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: problem that everybody's talking about. People cannot stop talking about
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: this thing and try to see what she is with it.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: She'll look me in the face and say, babe, I
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: ain't never heard of that a day in my life.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: It's not present in her algorithm. And sometimes I would
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: move in our conversations with the assumption that she's seeing
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: the same thing that I'm seeing. And that's crazy because
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: you end up bringing assumptions from the Internet or from
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: your feed into your personal life. That can be so tricky.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Because if you always consuming content, for example, let's say
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: you're a man and you're consuming content that's telling you
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: that all women are gold diggers, women can't be trusted.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: or other men are competition or your boss doesn't value
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: you or society is out to get you. I don't
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: know how you can hear those constantly and not feel
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: like at some point resentment. I don't know how. And
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: it's so funny, man. Like sometimes I'll talk, I'll talk
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: about my experience with women. There's nothing negative, but you
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: had dudes that come into contact with like, man, she
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: just tried to get your money dog. Like man, all
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: of them out here, man, they just holes and gold diggers.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: Like where are you getting this from? And then you
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: listen to enough content and it spews those views. And
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: this man is legitimately angry. He's angry that he feels
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: like women don't see his perspective, that women don't understand
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: or respect his lived experience, that women argue with him
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: on his point of view as if it doesn't matter.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Maybe he goes a step further. He thinks that women
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: speaking out against things that happen in society that men
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: are implicated in is somehow him being blamed for something
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: he didn't do. Perhaps he's perhaps he has compassion fatigue
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: from hearing all of these stories that he doesn't, you know,
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: not they're not a part of his lived experience and
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: he numbs out or perhaps he starts to think that
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: he's being blamed and he begins to develop an adversarial
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: relationship with women. Like this stuff happens all the time
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: and it depends on what you listen to. Some of
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: the stuff I can tell when when you are you
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: really just trying to get in my good graces and
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: say anything for attention. I can sometimes tell. And I'll
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: just scroll past it. But there is a larger representation
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: of that type of content on my timeline than there
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: has ever been. And usually it's blaming women. It's blaming
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: women for men's issues or it's blaming low testosterone or
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: it's blaming you just being a cold sucker. Like you
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: just not being man enough to rise to the occasion.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: And you're doing that because the world is trying to
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: feminize you. It's like, God, bro, that's a lot of
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: enemies to fight, man. You, Like Captain America in that elevator.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? You fighting the enemy from above, below, within, without.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: That's a lot of fighting. I'm not trying to fight, bro.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to live. I want to actually enjoy my life.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: I don't want to battle through it all the time.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: But that resentment dies. exist. So if you're always consuming
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: that content, how does the online resentment change the way
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: that you see your partner, your friends, your coworkers or strangers?
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: It's so funny. If you see something on your timeline,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: I'm going to grab my phone real quick. Let me
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: see what the first thing is when I open Instagram.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Let's see. Let's see what the first thing is. All right.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: The first thing is actually Lil Duval. And there is
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: a woman who is, I don't know how to explain. Okay.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: It's Lil Duval. Maybe that's not the best expectation. It's
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: a lot of skin in the video. And he said,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: I promise it's worth it. It's a long video. It's
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: a lot going on. Let's move past that. There's another
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: woman chilling on the couch. This is Colby Campbell, one
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: of my therapist homies. She is giving a speech in Georgia.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: More couple stuff. Football stuff. Angry mother. Here we go.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Angry mother weaponizing church to intimidate her daughter because her
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: stepmom treats her better. I kid you not. So even
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: look at the first sentence in that joint, angry mother
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: weaponizing church to intimidate. There's some really charged language in
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: that joint. Really charged language, even moving on. So what's
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: a relationship, a relationship hot take that you have? Just
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: in six pages, got a little bit of everything. I
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: got some booty. I got some women using their children
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: as pawns in church. I got what's wrong with people
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: in relationships. All in a few scrolls. And if you
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: disagree with any of that or you have a difference
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: of opinion, I can see how that can make you angry.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: And the comments are booming. The comments on this one
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: video is 308 comments. 308 comments. So there's definitely content
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: that does make us feel a way. And I think
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: because anger is so immediate, you don't have to think
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: about it. It just pops up. It's just you could
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: summon anger without even wanting to. I think it's so
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: easy for us to project those feelings online, especially with
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: people in the comment section. When they say something we
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: disagree with or that we think is stupid and we
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: And we just have an argument online to no avail.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: They don't ever land anywhere. It's rare you see a
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: social media argument and somebody says something. Somebody says something
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: back and the other person says, you know what? I
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: didn't think about it that way. You're right. I'm going
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: to give that more thought. That never happens. It rarely.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Rarely happens, definitely from what I can see. But I
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: do know that when that does happen, you become more
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: suspicious of people who you who never done anything to you.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: It feels so big, man. I was just talking to
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: one of my a friend of mine who's a massive
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: creator on social media. And they had an Internet thing
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: happen where they got called out. People were calling them
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: all types of names and accusing them of all types
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: of anti-blackness and all sorts of stuff, man. And they said,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: you know, I really thought that people hated me, you know,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: and then I had to realize that was two or
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: three hundred comments. It's two or three hundred million people
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: out here and a lot of them don't feel that strongly.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: So there's also something about your timeline, this availability and
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: how it's right in your face that kind of hyper
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: emphasizes how like the share of voice, how loud that
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: thing is and how many people feel that way. And
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I try not to become suspicious of people who didn't
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: do anything to me because I don't know you. I
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: don't want to have misplaced blame towards folks who never
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: hurt me. And I've caught myself being disproportionately angry about
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: stuff online because it reached me. And usually it's usually
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: when people are making assumptions about black people or people
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: are making assumptions about black men and not understanding the
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: far reaching consequences of those assumptions. Which is not the
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: same as sharing a negative story or negative experience you
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: have with black men. That's not what I'm saying. There's
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: a difference between saying that I've been harmed by black
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: men and saying all black men are going to harm you.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: One is an experience you have. Another is a statement
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: that you're making about a large group of people. I
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: think that frustrates me because I'm in community. I build
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: community for men all the time where some of the
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: men that they talking about, I see. And then some
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: of the men they talking about, I see what they're saying,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: but I know these men's stories and I know how
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: they live outside. And I don't know. I'm not going
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: to say I know how they live, but I experienced
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: them outside of dating and romance. You see what I'm saying?
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I experienced more of the humanness than just the touch
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: point that the original poster has. And I don't know. I, it's,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: I don't let it sit on top of me for
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: too long. You know what I'm saying? I don't allow
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: it to seep deeply into the way I think, feel
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: and believe. But I have to acknowledge that it's real
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: and I have to acknowledge that I feel that way
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: because I can't work through a feeling that I ignore.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: Feels like anger kind of becomes your algorithm in a way.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I think that's the question. What happens when anger becomes
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: your algorithm? What happens when the thing that makes you
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: angry is a thing that you keep coming back to consume?
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: Do I hate watching anything? Is there anything that I... Yeah,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: there's this one show that my kids watch and I
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: reluctantly watch it, but I don't... I just don't agree
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: with the way that they do their content. It feels
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: exploitative to the children. But man, I cannot stop watching
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: it because I'm like, man, this is so bad and
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: it keeps getting worse. And the more I watch it,
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: the worse it gets. And it's like a train wreck. Like,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: I don't want to stop watching, but I can't. Now,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: I would never go and negatively comment or publicly spread
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: negativity about them. But there's something about the content, even
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: though I don't like it, I continue to watch. And
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not always sure why, but I'm aware of when
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I'm doing it. Oh, you know what came up in
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: conversation not that long ago? Blueface and Creshawn. I don't
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: know these people. And if you're waiting for me to
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: say something negative about them, I'm not like that's just
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: not going to happen. These are real people. I don't
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: know these folks. I just know that whoever's clip farming
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: their content is doing a great job because they be
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: all over my timeline, no matter how much I say
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: I'm not interested. You know, God bless them, man. I
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: hope everything works out for them. But that is not
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: content or lifestyle or perspective that I'm interested in consuming
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: in any way, shape, or form. But there are people
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: who hate watch them. There are people who watch them to,
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: you know... to have comments about her, to have comments
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: about him, to have comments about their child, to tell
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: them the way that they should be doing things, to
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: talk about how morally devoid people believe that they are.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: But they videos been going crazy or every time they
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: on a stream, it seems to be doing really well.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: And I always wonder, like, what is that? What does
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: that turn into? Like making a comment about this young
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: woman or the way she behaves or the way that
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: she mother's. I don't I just don't understand what it
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: what it what it does for you. I think it's
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: one thing to dislike something that you see and have
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: a deep sense of disapproval for it. But I think
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: it's another thing to make sure that you're vocal about
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: your disapproval. And I don't know, maybe that's me being
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: sensitive because I have a large social media platform and
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: I realize how things can be misinterpreted or realize that
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: you that you just a person. And all of a
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: sudden you got five, six hundred people dogpiling on you
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: saying negative things about you. It changes the way that
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: you move. People can say whatever they want about not
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: reading comments. It changes the way that you move. Even
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: if you're able to brush it off, you are aware
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: that it's 100,000 people who see your video and think
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: that you're a terrible person. And I think that's a
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: hard thing to unsee. And if y'all heard that thing
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: pop in the background, that's my Vaseline, y'all. Because the
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: more I talk, the ashier my lips get. Mind your business.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself a question. If you
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: hate the content, how much of it do you actually watch?
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Let's just be honest with yourself. We're not judging right here.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: How much of it do you watch? Do you hate
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: the content, but you watch every single video? Do you
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: disagree with the person, but you read every single comment?
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: Like you thumb through the comments and when you're thumbing
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: through the comments, what are you thumbing for? Are you
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: thumbing for perspective or you find that people that hate
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: it for the same reasons that you hate it? It
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: maybe hates a strong word, but that's the word we're
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: using for dislike have a distaste for anything that lives
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: in that realm like damn why is it so hard
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to walk away from something that makes us consistently feel
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: bad and is there is there something inconsistently feeling bad
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: that low-key consistently feels good i know that's counterintuitive you
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: know like you should hate the way that gasoline smells
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: for all intents and purposes right But I think there's
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: a large group of people that love the smell of gasoline.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: It's something that you hate love about it. Oh, this
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: is terrible. Oh, God, let me smell it again. Like
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: we keep coming back for that thing. And I think
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: it's hard to walk away from something that makes us
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: feel bad because sometimes it makes us feel something. It
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: makes us feel something. We're not just attracted to strong,
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: positive emotion. I think we're attracted to strong emotions in general.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: I think there is also a contingent of people who
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: live in this world that have numbed out. There's so
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: much going on. I'm not mad at anybody for numbing out.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you just want to feel something. And even though
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: it's hate or disdain or disgust, it's still something to feel.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: And you could adhere to that. Something to think about. Now,
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I want to move more progressively into the conversation and
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: talk about what would happen if, I don't know, let's
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: say you got your attention back. You recaptured your attention
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: from the hate, the anger, the disdain, the distrust that's
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: going on on the internet. What does a rage bait
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: cost you? Man, the rage baiting is crazy. I've been
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: accused of rage baiting before, which is wild to me
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: because I barely want to interact with people on the
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: internet respectfully. Respectfully. Respectfully. I just don't. I don't know you.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: I don't know you. I'm glad you find value in
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: my content, but I don't know you. I don't really
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: want to engage back and forth if the conversation isn't meaningful.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: But rage bait makes you, it just urges you to
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: type and go, nah, that's not true. You know, if
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: you go on Facebook ads, you'll see ads sometimes for
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: like games. Like, I don't know if it's on your timeline,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: but the little soldier, usually he's shooting and it's like
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: a group of zombies. And on one side, it's like
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: plus one. And every time you shoot a plus one sign,
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: you get one more soldier. And on the far right side,
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: you can keep on shooting to get like a big
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: boss shot. Like perhaps instead of a little tiny soldier.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: Now you're going to be shooting with a 10 foot
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: guy that has a Gatling gun. And then in the middle,
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: it's just all of these zombies rushing. And the person
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: who's playing the game purposely plays it badly. And everyone's like,
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I can do better than that. You know, you, you
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: ever seen those, like those Facebook posts or those Instagram
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: posts that were like only, only 1% of people can
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: figure this thing out. And you go on and it's
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: like 10 plus one times two divided by three, carry
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: the four, with a divisor of two and it's like
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: it's not an impossible thing to figure out but when
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: you look below everybody's giving their answer and then people
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: are fighting the answer is 20 now the answer 34
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: y'all don't know how to do math now the answer
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: is 15 let me explain to you how i did
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: it there's something about seeing people do something incorrectly at
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: least by your definition that compels us to want to
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: fix it i think that's just such a part of
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: human instinct that the internet is hat but what does
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: rage bait cost you when they're baiting you to be
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: angry just like Those things are baiting you to say, nah,
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: I could do math better than that. I could shoot
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: tiny zombies better than that on my cell phone game.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: What is rage bait? The things that people say that
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: that entice you to comment and entice you to engage.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: What does it cost you? Well, it costs you your
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: body and your physical health. But care, that's stupid. My
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: physical health is fine. How can how can how can
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: anger affect my physical health? Yeah, well. There are a
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: lot of psychosomatic things that go on. I didn't think
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: that stress could affect your physical health until my doctor said,
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: my brother, you need to find a way to be
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: less stressed. And being angry, being full of rage is stressful.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: It can and will negatively impact your health over time.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: It's not going to knock you down like the flu,
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: but bit by bit, it takes chunks and pieces out
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: of you. You know, rage bait can cost you your career.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: You can end up saying something inflammatory to get sent
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: to your job. The next thing you know, you are
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: no longer an employee there. Or it can cause you
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: to have a certain viewpoint of the world that makes
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: you say things that in turn are inflammatory or insensitive
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: that you can share at work, lose your job. It
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: can cost you friendships. It can cost you your relationship.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: I've seen that happen many times. It can cost you
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: your finances. I've seen people lose money over it. It
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: costs you your mental health. And I think one of
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: the scariest things it can cost you is community. Community.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: Especially if you're baiting people. In order to elicit a
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: response from them, I think you take away some of
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: the trustworthiness you have. People automatically assume that there's a
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: disingenuous value to the things that you're saying online, even
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: when you're not trying to rage bait. Once you get
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: established that way, it's kind of hard to step out
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: of that motif. Hey, hold on, y'all. Real quick. My
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: very first book, It All Starts When You Do, is
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: available right now. If this podcast has ever helped you,
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: I think this book will too. I want you to
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: just search It All Starts When You Do by Keir Gaines,
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: wherever you get your books. I also want to ask
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: a question. When these things are happening, how do you
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: ground yourself to understand what's going on and in order
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: to make a different choice? Like for me, Whenever I
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: find myself getting angry at something on the Internet, I
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: try to remember that this person is entitled to their opinion.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: And I don't have to do anything with their opinion.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: I can just notice it and move on. I don't
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: have to correct them. Why am I trying to talk
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: you out of something you deeply believe? To what benefit
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: is that for me? What part of my ego am
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: I satisfying by doing that? I try to find the
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: selfish part. What am I selfishly trying to do by
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: engaging in this content? Then I ask myself, how's that
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: working for me? How's that working for me? Now, sometimes
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: I'll get caught up and perhaps, there've been many times
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: when I've typed a response to something and then I
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: just sat and look at it for a minute and
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: I just delete it. Like, no, that ain't even gonna
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: come off the way I want it to. Or, hey,
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: it's not that important for me. I just needed to
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: express it. I didn't need to necessarily publish it. You
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: don't always have to, you can ground yourself by realizing
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: that these people on the internet, the thing that they said,
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: they might not even feel that way in another. You
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: know what I'm saying? This person doesn't know you. You
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: don't know them. There is nothing that you lose by
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: continuing to scroll and not engaging in that content. Because
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: if you do engage, it's going to be to a point. What,
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: what ultimate goal are you seeking here? Something to think about.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: So one of the things that I had to consciously
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: stop feeding because I realized it was making me somebody
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to be was the, um, What content
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: was that? No, I don't know if I engaged with
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: the content for a while. What was the content they
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: were sending me, man? I can't remember the person's name,
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: but it was basically saying that men are here to
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: be taken advantage of. You know, don't take men seriously.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: You got to play the game. You got to manipulate them.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: You have to take advantage of them. Use them for
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: their ability to want to provide. And I mean, suck
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: them dry because that's what men have been doing to
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: women since the dawn of time. So this is just
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: your get back. And I'm not going to say it
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: turned me into someone I didn't want to be. And
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: this was several years ago. But I realized that it
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: was giving me a perspective of how people think. That
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: that didn't belong to everybody. And I had to realize
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: I've never had a conversation like that with a person
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: in person. It's always on. And I've never had a
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: conversation with a person like that face to face conversation
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: is always productive and progressive. They're never that. And when
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: you realize that that's the thing on the Internet, going
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: back to the top of the episode, it's like the
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: dogs barking behind the gate. But once the gate is removed,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: they ain't got that smoke for each other anymore. If
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: you feel deeply that you are starting to change because
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: of the content that you're watching, I will argue that
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: perhaps you need to engage in that content less. Because
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: after a while, you're hearing the same trope 40 million times,
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: you're not becoming any more informed. Everybody right now is
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: a PhD level expert on gender studies in terms of
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: what the gender script is for men and women, what
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: their responsibilities are biblically, socially, and all of the above. It's, oh,
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: you do not have to engage with that. And I
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: think we need to be reminded of that sometimes. Before
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: we get out of here, we have a caller who
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: left a message on learnhardwaypod.com on the speak pipe. And
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: I want to give them an opportunity to come holler
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: at us and let's respond to this together. And then
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: let's get up out of here. Listen there. Yo, Kier.
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: I'm a 52-year-old black man, which means I got 12
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: plus years on you. I would just caution you. how
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: you're perceiving 40s with the routine talk that you're getting
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: old and things are falling apart. Hey here, disregard my
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: first message I left you. I want to be a
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: little bit more thought. I think what happens and where
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: you are is when we hit our 40s, we start
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: to contemplate life a little. I think it's the first
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: time that we become more aware of our mortality and
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: that there is indeed a time limit on how long
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: we will be on this planet. Physically, yes, there are shifts,
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: no doubt. Now, I say that to say, the older
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: you get, the more you start to realize that there
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: is a lot of life left to live. You'll go
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: through this and then you'll come to a realization that
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: there's far more life indeed to live and that You're
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: actually younger than what you think you are.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: Good luck with everything, brother.
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: Reach out if you need me.
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: Peace. Shout out to you, OG. So before the rewind part,
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: there was another part of his message when he says,
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: I'm a 52 year old man and I have 12
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: years on you. And he said something to the tone,
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: you ain't even live life yet. He said, stop saying
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: you're old because you need to be around more older
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: men who are in good shape so you can realize
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: what to look forward to. He's right. I think he's
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: absolutely right in what he said. The only thing that
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: I would comment against is when he said you haven't
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: lived life yet. I think that's what the older men
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: do to younger men a lot. And that's why younger
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: men don't listen because it's like you ain't even lived
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: life yet like no i'm 40 years old i've been
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: an adult since i was 15 like i've lived a
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: ton of life but he's not coming from a bad
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: place i understand what you're saying og and i'm gonna
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: listen to you bro you right it but it i
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: love that he came back and was like you know
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: what let me be a little bit more sympathetic he
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: he thought about what he said in a way it
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: may come across And then he changed it. And I
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: think the reason that I talk about being 40 is
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: because this is, to his point, the first time that
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling my mortality. I think about what happens when
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: I'm going to die. Like, you always know you're going
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: to die. But it's something about your body starting to be, like,
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: after 40, you just got to work harder to stay
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: in good shape. You understand what I'm saying? You got
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: to watch your A1C and your blood, your cholesterol. It's
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: just a lot of stuff you got to be mindful
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: of that didn't exist before. before 30 for a lot
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: of us so I think it's the realization that I'm
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: living in an aging body that at one day like
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: one day it's just not gonna work anymore and there's
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: one thing to theoretically know that's a thing that can
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: happen to you it's another thing to to feel that
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: creeping up on your back and to me it's more
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: of an affirmation saying it out loud because I'm in
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: a little bit of disbelief that I'm here than it
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: is me negatively lamenting about my age But also like
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: our nanny, our nanny is 30. She ain't 30. How
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: old is she? I don't know. She in her late 20s,
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: early 30s. She be talking about how old she is.
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, shorty, you ain't got no kids. You single.
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: Go live in Bali for two years. I'm like, you're
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: not as old as you think. And I think what
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: he's saying to me is what I say to her.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: And from the vantage point of a 52 year old man,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: And what a 52-year-old's body is and what a 52-year-old's
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: mind and experience is, I think that he's giving me
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: good game. Like, ah, you're young, like living that youth.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: And I do live in the youth, but I think
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: that that's still something that I deeply feel. And I
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: can't not express something that I feel. I feel like
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: I'm being disingenuous or I feel like I'm holding in
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: something that's really real to me when I can express it,
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: get it out, and allow it to live somewhere else
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: outside of my head. So you're right, OG, I will
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: be more mindful of how I talk about my age,
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: but I will not stop talking about how old I feel.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean that I'm an old man. It
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: just means that my body feels the age difference now
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: comparative to what it felt like. Oh, gosh, man. Let's
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: keep our age gap in mind. 12 years ago, it
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: was a very, very different body. 28-year-old kid, boy. He
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: didn't know how good he had it. But I guess
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: to your point, 52 year old kid is going to
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: look at 40 year old kid and say, damn, he
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: didn't know how good he had it. So I try
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: to spend more time being present in the body that
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: I have and in loving this stage of life and
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: enjoying every drop of it. So I appreciate you, brother.
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: Thank you for giving me that real talk. But yeah,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: that's going to be it for us today. I want
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: you to consider this. What is it that you are
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: giving attention to every day that keeps you fuming? And
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: what could you probably, I don't know, what could you
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: be building with that energy instead? You know, we build
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: this podcast brick by brick, but energy, man, energy is
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: brick by brick too. And if you're wasting energy giving
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: your attention to something that keeps you in a negative space,
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: I wonder if you could just take that energy currency,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: if you could take those breaks. I can't imagine what
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: you could build that would be far more meaningful and
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: far more useful for you in your everyday life and
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: the relationships that you hold and the positions that you
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: hold and the person that you are in this world.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: You know, what happens if you spend a little less
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: time proving who's wrong or who to blame or who's
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: keeping you from the life you want and a little
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: bit more time actually building that life? I want you
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: to not just think about it. I want you to
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: share that with me. I want you to be just like, oh, gee, man,
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: hit me up on learn the hard way pod dot
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: com and leave us a voice note. We listen to
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: all of them and we'll even answer some of them
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: because we want to keep this conversation going because, you know,
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: we build in this community brick by brick, son, brick
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: by brick. I hope that you took what I said
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: into consideration. I hope the next time that something makes
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: you angry online instead of reflexively responding to it with
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: thumbs going a million miles per hour, you sit, you
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: reflect and you make a decision on whether or not
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: that's something that is genuinely worth your time. I appreciate you.
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: I'll see you on the next episode. Y'all take care.
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: Job well done. Learn the Hard Way is a production
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: of iHeart Podcast. I'm your host, Keir Gaines. We're produced
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: by Courtney Deans and Kacen Alexander. Ashley J. Hobbs is
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: our senior producer. Our executive producers are Will Packer, Dr.
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: Joy Harden-Bradford, Alex Baldwin, and Carla Wilmaris.