Latest / Messy Minded Mama / Episode 26 - I Wish We Didn't Have to Talk About This. Again.

Transcript

Episode 26 - I Wish We Didn't Have to Talk About This. Again. · Messy Minded Mama

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome back to Messy Minded Mama.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: You get Jen here today and you get me for a solo conversation.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I am here to really highlight a topic that has been close to my heart for a number of years and has been really just weighing heavy on my heart in the most recent weeks.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a topic that I wish wasn't something that we had to talk about and that we are here talking about again.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: But after the most recent school shooting, I've just found myself thinking about something I've talked about before on this podcast, which is really my own experience with anxiety.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And for me personally, how much that anxiety really shifted after I became a mom.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that anxiety can look so different for each of us.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a unique experience.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: It can show up in many different ways and through many different seasons of our lives.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for me in particular, motherhood just brought out this whole new level of anxiety.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was this moment where there were suddenly, you know, one little person, but then two little people in my life who meant more to me than anything ever really had.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to learn how to live with this new reality that I couldn't protect them from everything.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like my anxiety in the past was always around safety and concern for myself, and that felt heavy, but that felt more within my control.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start to magnify it a little bit or kind of like zoom out into the people around you, I think the control starts to slip away more and more, and that anxiety for me just started to get bigger and bigger.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think when something like this happens, it just brings that fear that I carry around safety right to the surface.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just the headline, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that as a mom, I'm thinking about with my own kids, with my own kids' schools, what their safety looks like, and just the world around them that they're growing up in.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not here to say that I have all the answers.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not coming into this conversation as someone who has figured out, you know, how to make that fear go away and how to calm the anxiety at all times.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I do think that talking about it and talking about what anxiety can look like in motherhood, the fear that so many of us carry, again, in maybe a lot of different ways, and most importantly, maybe just talking about what we can do when that fear starts to feel like helplessness.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I think where I really want to start with this conversation today is just a little bit about what anxiety looked like for me personally, and really what anxiety looked like for me before I even had kids.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I remember having some of these overwhelming anxious feelings, right?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Being worried about something that was coming up, or maybe feeling overwhelmed by something that was going on in my life, but not necessarily pointing to the exact reason, just kind of noticing this feeling of anxiety.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And even being able at a young age to describe that to my mom or my parents and say that I was feeling anxious about something, but I didn't know what.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's how I usually described it to them.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: As I grew up, I started to recognize more like what the cause of the anxiety was, what the worry was.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times it was really maybe imagining worst-case scenarios of something happening.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, not knowing the setting of where I was gonna be could bring a lot of anxiety.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So there were really specific things that I could point to for myself and my anxiety pre-kids.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think the thing that really changed a lot for me when it came to anxiety after becoming a mom, I think the biggest shift after becoming a mom was that the stakes changed for me, right?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just again about me anymore.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just about what might happen to me.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was about these little people.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was about this whole new layer of responsibility, of vulnerability that came with being a mom.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't always explain, even in those moments, why I was feeling anxious, but I could point to them, right?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I could point to those little humans.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if they were sick, something that was going on and worrying that they might not be okay, um, you know, just those middle of the night thoughts that come to you when you're thinking about your child and are they safe and are they um what's going on with them?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I could definitely point a little bit more specifically in the moment of what was happening.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think that that then makes it feel a little bit more manageable to say, like, okay, I at least can point to what is going on with me and the reason for it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I work a lot with kind of circle of control, and I talked about that earlier, like what's in your control and what isn't in your control.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I do think when you're when you're thinking about other humans that you're wanting to keep safe and you're wanting to protect, there's a lot of that that does fall outside of your control.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where maybe next, wanting to zoom out beyond just my personal experience, but openly talk about things that I'm wondering if resonates with other moms that are out there and that are listening.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because I do think that there is this contradiction that we deal with a lot in motherhood where we are raising children who we want to be independent, right?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: We want to give them freedom to explore the world, but we want them to feel safe in it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: We know that we can't anticipate or prevent everything that could happen to them, but we want to the best of our ability to stay within control of it and to be able to be thinking ahead about the what-ifs and teach them, you know, how to protect themselves in those manners, I think, most importantly.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I do think that one of the biggest things that changes when you become a mom is just the way in which you experience the world around you.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's things that maybe you would have heard about before or have seen on the news, have genuinely felt sad about, but all of a sudden they become more personal, and I think much more personal.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because now that you have other people in your life who you do love more than anything, you have to start to think about things differently.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the harsh reality is that this means thinking about something as ordinary, and I think the harsh reality of this is that it even means something as ordinary as sending your kids to school.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: We think about getting them up in the morning, getting them dressed, getting their backpacks ready with all the things, just to get them out the door and send them off to school.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And all of us, I believe, want to trust that, and all of us would want to trust that they're going to be okay.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: You want to trust that they're going to come home at the end of the day.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think most of us don't spend every single day thinking about all of these things, right, that could go wrong and catastrophize it and think worst case scenario, because we have to go on living our lives, right?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: We have to let our kids live their lives.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I think becoming a mom changes the level of awareness that we carry about just how much we can't control.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You want to protect your kids from everything, right?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You want to anticipate what they might need, what could potentially hurt them, what might be difficult for them to experience.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then you realize that there are so many things that you just simply can't anticipate or control.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's a really hard part of motherhood, and one that all of us are probably caring, but don't often create space to speak about or really say the really hard parts out loud.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want my kids to feel safe in this world, right?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to have freedom, I want them to have independence, I want them to go to school, I want them to make the friends, have all their experiences that are allowing them to grow up into the people that they are and the adults that they're gonna be someday.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want them growing up to be afraid of everything.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I also don't want to pretend that the things happening around us don't matter.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where it gets really complicated for me.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when something like a school shooting happens yet again.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you hear about it as a mom, you can't help but think about your own kids.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think about the parents who sent their children to school that morning, just like I do every single morning.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think about how their entire lives changed in an instant in such a horrific way.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where so many different feelings can come up.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: For me, in the last couple of weeks now, I have experienced fear, sadness, anger.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's this deep feeling of like, how is this still happening?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then everything is just kind of followed by this helplessness that I talked about earlier.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because what are we supposed to actually do with that?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel all of these feelings, you can care so deeply, and you can want something to change.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, that Friday morning, I still got up, I still got my kids ready for school, and I still had them go about their day, and I still did the best I could to go about my day.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes that's a part of the this emotional weight that moms, parents in general carry.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: We have these really big feelings about the world that our children are growing up in, and this feeling that we have to keep moving forward through all the ordinary parts of motherhood.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's important to acknowledge that it's very important, it's deeply important to take care of ourselves emotionally.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: We can recognize as our anxieties get enheightened in those moments, we can even find ways to ground ourselves, right?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And to manage that fear and to not let every worst-case scenario begin to take over our lives.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I also want to be really clear that this isn't just about moms being anxious, there's a big difference between recognizing that we can't control everything and accepting that there's nothing we can do.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And as I go on in this episode today, I don't want those two things to be confused.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know I can't control everything that happens to my kids.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I can't guarantee their safety in every situation, right?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean that I have to sit back and feel like I have no voice and no way to contribute to meaningful change.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what's really been on my mind lately.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that has been on my mind, I guess I'll say off and on, not constantly, but off and on over the years.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: But in particular, because when another school shooting happens, I find myself again thinking about my own kids, about the families who are living something unimaginable, and about what it means to be a parent at this point in time in the world we're living in.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's something that we have to be thinking about.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't just want to sit here with fear and helplessness.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about what we can do with these feelings.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really why the shooting at Silver Rail Elementary in Bend, Oregon, that just happened on October 15th, really brought this to the forefront for me again.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I heard about it, the feelings were all too familiar.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: The sadness, the fear, the anger, that sense of helplessness that I keep referring to.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And as a mom, I found myself just thinking about those children, their parents, and the families.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think part of what made it hit so close to home was that it brought me back to a moment in my own life back in 2023 when I was in Nashville, Tennessee with a friend timing-wise, just shortly after the Covenant school shooting.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: We are both moms of little ones, and there was again something about hearing that news that felt too close to home, even though it was far away from where we physically lived.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember going to the memorial and just feeling completely crushed.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think there's something so different about seeing a memorial in person.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was no longer just names in the news anymore.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: We were both standing in a place where a community was grieving, where families were showing up trying to make sense of something that no family should ever have to experience.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as a mom myself, I think it hit me in a really deep way at that point in time.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I kept thinking about the children, kept thinking about the reality that this was something that had happened in a place where kids and educators should just be safe, right?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: They all deserve to go home.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And at that point in time, I had already been following an organization called March 4th.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: But that trip was the moment where I decided that I wanted to do more than just follow March 4th, follow them along on Instagram and pay attention to what they were doing.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: I actually wanted to go physically be a part of what they were creating.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to go to Washington, DC and participate in one of their marches.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to find a way where I could show up and be a part of something that felt bigger.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: So after my trip to Nashville, I remember flying home and just telling my husband, look, I this is in the next, I think it was maybe a couple weeks after I just gotten home and I said, I'm I'm going to Washington, DC.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And before I knew it, we were both on a flight to DC together to join the march and spend time showing up and advocating for change.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think about that moment sometimes because I didn't suddenly have all the answers, right?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Of like what this was gonna mean or uh what I was being a part of.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have some brand plan for how I was going to make a difference at that point in time.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I just knew that sitting in the sadness and not doing anything wasn't an option and wasn't where I wanted the story to end.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that experience is a huge part of why I'm here today talking about this and why I really want to shift a little bit into talking more about March 4th.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed by something that seems so much bigger than yourself.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I also know that sometimes just taking one step towards something can help you move through it, and I guess what feels like a meaningful or just different way.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think sometimes we assume that if we can't make a huge difference, that there's no point in doing anything.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I totally get that feeling as well.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: But one of the things that has really stayed with me since just being a part of a march with March 4th is the idea that ordinary people can come together, can speak up, can cry together, can hug each other, can raise their voices, and really ask for change.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember that day, and it is a day I will never forget.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's the one and only March that I have been a part of for this cause.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll talk about other ways to contribute towards meaningful change with this organization in particular, but the one thing that I remember the most about the March was well, two things.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: The first was standing around and getting to see before the march even started, they had photos of every victim from a school shooting to date, and you walk around and you look at this kind of string of photos of all the victims that have been impacted, and to me, that's when this issue became even bigger, right?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was there for a reason because it was already big enough, but actually seeing all of the people that have been impacted and all of the victims from this one thing.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: So we're talking school shootings was just enormous.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the the grief I was holding in those moments, as I'm remembering it right in the news.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am from Colorado.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the Columbine school shooting from when I was in high school myself, and that school was right down the road from me, and just being terrified as a high schooler.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like here we are so many years later, with this still happening.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So that was a very big and impactful moment because once we started to march, we all were a part of carrying this kind of string of photos with us in the march.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember my husband and I, you know, me being in front of him, but just walking together through this march and just holding it, and I just remembered coming because I knew that I was there for all the right reasons.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I was there to help make an impact and help advocate for change.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: But it was also helping me work through this is the reality of our world, and I am a part of something that I'm hoping to help change this, not just for myself, but for my kids in the future, all the kids that are in the walking of schools from this day forward.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: The other really meaningful moment was getting to hear the founder, Kitty Brantner, speak at the march.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: So we all went around, we marched around Capitol Hill.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: We took our time with that march, just being pleasant, very peaceful march that day, and took our time to walk around Capitol Hill.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards, Kitty spoke to all of us and shared more about her story and why March Forth even came to be.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Kitty is a mom just like me.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, first and foremost, she uh seeing someone in that role and then stepping up to say, I'm not gonna stand for this anymore, I'm gonna do something big, I'm gonna do something huge, was empowering, and I'm in awe of her being able to do this.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: But Kitty talked about her as a founder and really where this came from.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, following the Highland Park, Illinois parade shooting that happened on the 4th of July in 2022, Kitty just felt compelled as a mom to do something when something happened close to her own community.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And she decided to start this organization.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe Kitty has all the facts, but I believe the very next day is when she spoke up and said this is gonna start, and from that point forward never has looked back.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: So from July of 2022 to where we are today, she and a team of others have been showing up in a huge way to continue to make a change.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: And in and I think one thing that stands out in particular as I got a chance to be there and listen to Kitty speak was that she didn't have to be able to solve the entire problem to take that initial first step.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Going back again to control.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: She couldn't control what had happened, but she did decide, but she could decide what she wanted to do next.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that action created this huge opportunity for all these other people to come alongside her.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: And again, reflecting on the moments that I was there and a part of it this day, that I was a part of it that day, I was right alongside her.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was right alongside all these other people that wanted to make the conversation louder, wanted to make a change possible.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's why it's this.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's why this organization resonated with me so much from the beginning, because change actually feels possible when you're working alongside them.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: So one thing that I love so much about March 4th is the ease in which they help anyone that wants to get involved know what their steps can be or should be or what that even looks like.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: So for me in particular, it was showing up to a March, first and foremost.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's something I really felt strongly about being a part of.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: But outside of that, the education that they provide to someone who has never placed a call to Congress or a representative and actually wanted to speak up to fight for a cause.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: This organization has done a fantastic job of being able to provide scripts, provide direct links to sending emails or direct lines to giving the phone numbers of who you should be calling and what you should be saying to them at what point in time to get your voice heard.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: That in and of itself made me feel like I could take this from something that felt so heavy to me personally to something that I actually felt like could be actionable and that I could start helping every day.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was making calls at this point in time in life every day to my senator to ask for change, to ask for sponsorship in the things that were important at that point in time.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this brings me back a little bit to thinking about why Kate and I have even started this podcast to begin with.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: The whole point was to have conversations around things that moms might be struggling with, right?
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or might just need to allow a space for moms to feel more seen and what's going on with them.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: But taking it beyond that when we can and when it feels right to say, okay, now that we're here opening up the space for the conversation, what can we also give you to help you take action on something, right?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: To help work towards meaningful change for yourself or for others or for big issues, whatever the topic might be, to help people through it.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to next take this into what can you do?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: If this is something that, as a mom yourself, weighs heavy on you and makes you feel helpless at times, there are ways to get involved, and I'm here to talk about it.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: So a couple of things that March 4th in particular has going on right now.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: They are working to secure support for the Safer Schools Act.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is an act that has not been passed in legislation at this point in time, but one that they are working hard to secure sponsors on all the time with ongoing advocacy.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: This looks like showing up on Capitol Hill.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: They are there almost weekly on Capitol Hill to ask for sponsors to secure that support.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: They are bringing survivor voices forward.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: So every time that they're showing up on Capitol Hill, this organization is helping to bring people with them that have been affected personally by gun violence and bringing them into the conversations with lawmakers.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like what an amazing thing to be able to open up space for the people that have gone through this and allow them to be a part of such a big thing and a part of change and their dedication to showing up.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I believe it's almost weekly at this point in time that they're on Capitol Hill fighting for this cause.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: There are other ways to get involved.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: They are currently building a membership opportunity that is completely free.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: So nationwide membership where we can all come together, join March 4th, and demonstrate in sheer numbers the amount of people who care about this issue in particular.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: Outside of that, you can always donate.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Any amount of donation is gonna help them.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: So again, if this is something that you're feeling like this feels so heavy, and I want to get involved in a way that can feel meaningful, so many ways that you can show up and stay engaged.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow March 4th, you can learn more about, like I said, just their education that they're providing.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can invite your friends, your family, anyone that you feel like might want to learn more about it themselves and be able to work towards school safety.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, that's ultimately that's what we're after here.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I will link all of the ways that you personally can get involved, be an advocate for change, and just follow along with March 4th and all the good things that they're up to.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, I've been following them since 2022, 2023.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've been a part of things where I feel like I can, been a part of things that feel meaningful to me at any point in time.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it is working.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that they're doing, the ways that they're showing up, the more people that they get behind them to continue to support this cause and be an advocate, the quicker we can influence change.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: So follow them, learn more about the Safer Schools Act that's going on right now, is being put in front of lawmakers at this point in time, working to get it passed through legislation.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful to all of you that are still here with me listening today.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here, and we'll see you next time.