Latest / The You Project / #2092 How Do You Give And Receive Love? - Bobby Cappuccio

Transcript

#2092 How Do You Give And Receive Love? - Bobby Cappuccio · The You Project

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Good day, team, It's Harps, it's Bobby as Cu project.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Hope you bloody fantastic. It's Friday in the thriving metropolis,
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: has just gone midday. It's Thursday night over there, Young
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Robert on the West coast. You're on the West coast
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: still San Diego, aren't you?
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: How is it Sunday day? I am, well, San Diego
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: is surprise, it's been sunny today. Weird.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: What's the general temp in San Diego? Obviously winter over there,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: but California doesn't really participate in winter too much.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: It's kind of we participate. Like winter in San Diego
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: is anywhere from ten to twenty degrees. I mean some
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: days like yah yah, yeah, you'll get like twenty one degrees,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: but that's about it, which is fantastic. It's perfect right. Well,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: at night it'll drop down to about fourteen degrees. It
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: drops down to ten. That's not unusual. But here's the thing.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: When it drops down to ten, even though it does
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: that every other year, everyone has to say, oh wow,
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: it's unseasonably cold, walk around the flipflops and their shorts.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: So as long as you pretend that this doesn't really
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: happen and it's always sunny and it never gets cold.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: You're fine. So we're living under this collective illusion.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: I think it's funny how people always start the obvious
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: when it's hot cold. You know, he walk into the cafe, Oh,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: how hot is it. It's like, yeah, it's hot, it's hot,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: it's hot, And the next person, oh my, hey, you
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: capping with the way. It's like, it seems to be this.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Uh is it a global thing or an aussy thing?
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Ausie's talking about the weather a lot.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Oh well, well, soor of London is sort of New
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: York is. But here's the thing, right, they talk about
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: or we talk about the weather as it actually is.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: And it's hilarious because it's winter right now in New York.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: People like, what cold? It's like cold in New York
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: City midwinter. It's freaky. Never saw that one coming. Where
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: in San Diego, we we talk about the weather as
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: if it's something it's not. We deny the weather, like
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: really truly out here. But yeah, it's just unseasonable. No,
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: it's been like this, it's been like this whole month.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: What are you talking about? So we don't complain about
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: how bad the weather is. We're on complete denial whenever
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: it's anything other than absolutely perfect.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Listeners too, for my listeners who uh wouldn't have maybe
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: an idea of the difference or a concept of the
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: so west coast San Diego. Let's say, La, can we go? La?
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: So a little lower right down the coast, So La.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: La is actually a little bit higher. We're a little
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: bit lower.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Oh you're a bit lower? Am I thinking of sand
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: fran San Franz all the way up?
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Sorry, dude, my bad. Okay, So let's go
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: San Diego. Like typical temperature midwinter in the middle of
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: the day. I know it varies, but like, what's an
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: average middle of the day temperature for San Diego winter,
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: all right?
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: Anywhere from let's just say eighteen to twenty two degrees.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Okay, eighteen to twenty two celsius midwinter is fucking great.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: That's almost my perfect climate. And at the exact come cost. Yeah,
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: it's a little.
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: Bit harder inland, all right, on the exact same day,
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: on the other side of the country, in say New York,
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: give or take, what would the average temperature be in midwinter?
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: It would be negative something. No varies as well. I
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: mean if you've got zero degrees. It's actually okay. Here's
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: the thing. People think I'm insane when I say this.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: I think because it's a very dry called out here.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: It feels different like zero degree is in New York City.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Throw on like a couple of l as, a scarf,
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: a hat. I'm fine. If it was same temperature here,
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: I would be freezing because ten degrees here for me,
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: feels colder than zero degrees over there. But zero degrees
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: is a lucky day because you can go a lot
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: lower than that.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Wow, well, I think, well, there is more humidity where
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: you are, so probably.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: Over over in New York the amdity is much greater
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: because I mean, now I'm by the coast, but it's
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: it's the desert.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Like you're getting a lot of shit wrong today, I'm
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: realizing that. Okay, I'm getting an educator. So it's more
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: humid in New York.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: Did you take California geography when you were in school?
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't expect you to know this. I wish if
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: I didn't live here intermittently, But how.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I would have thought, because California's you know, everyone's like, oh,
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: for God's sake, fuck off with all this all right,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: I'll stop, I'll stop, all right, Sorry, I just go
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: down the little rabbit hole that interests me and go
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: for the ten thousand people listening to this, they're like,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: fucking stop, stop.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: They're could be they could be sitting down for tea tomorrow.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah yeah. And did you know that New York's
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: more humid than San Diego? People like that's amazing. Where
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: did you hear that on the You project? Fucking hell?
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Forget AI, just tune in there. Bobby will let you know.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: So full disclosure to our audience. Hello, audience. We are
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Bobby and I. We just we started this podcast about
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: twenty minutes ago, thirty minutes ago, and we were on fire.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: We're going great. Problem being, we didn't hit the record button.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: And when I say we, I mean me. So I'm
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: kind of throwing Bobby like it was some collective fuck up,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: but it was all me. I'm putting up my hand,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the only child I fucked up. So you know, we're
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: on a bit of a roll. So it's it's quite
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: funny because I don't script anything and I barely plan,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and I wanted to talk to you today about love,
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: which I know is a I actually think it's a
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: beautiful topic, and I think it is a very relevant
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: topic and a powerful topic. But for you and me,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I don't think we've ever done a podcast on that.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to backtrack over a little bit of
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: what we said, so you know what's coming. So I
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: apologize for that, but the audience doesn't. But I often
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: think about doctor Gary Chapman's five Love Languages, So we'll
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: come back to my story. But so Gary Chapman created
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: kind of this framework for how people, I guess, give
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: and receive love, like what they prefer to get, what
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: their preferred love language is, and how they show or
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: demonstrate or give love to others, with the idea being
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: that if we know somebody's love language or maybe love languages,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: some people kind of are very dominant in one, a
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: little bit laura in the other, and we'll talk about
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: that in a moment. Then they feel loved, you know,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: So they feel loved. But I might be giving love
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: to Bobby and Bobby's love languages, for example, words of affirmation.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: But I keep buying him little presents every time I
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: see him, which he doesn't give a fuck about gifts.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: But what he cares about is that I've got nice
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: things to say about him or positive things to say
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: about him, or maybe his love language is physical touch,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: which doesn't mean spooning on the couch. It just means
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It could mean that depending on the people and the relationship,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: but probably in our case it might mean a hug,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: or in an intimate relationship, it could be something much more,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: of course, But knowing that my intention and the way
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: I experience love is not always the way that someone
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: else experiences love is an interesting thing to be aware of,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: because sometimes our intention of being loving towards a person,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: and in our understanding and our conceptual framework, in the
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: moment experience, we are being loving while all the while
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: they are maybe not getting loving, so to speak. And
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: so when I first heard about this twenty or twenty
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: five years ago, I went, this is And by the way,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I think this is just one person's kind of interpretation,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: and I think it's bigger than this, and I think
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: we can look at it a lot of different ways.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: But as a starting point, I think this is not
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: the worst place to step off. So I'll share with
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: you the five love languages, and we'll riff on this
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: a bit, and maybe i'll talk to you a little
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: bit about what's been going on with me. But also, Bobby,
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I think has got some going on too. So the
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: first one is words of affirmation. You're familiar with these, right,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: don't you, mate, Yeah, finely, I'm going to say, and
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: you just tell our audience. So words of affirmation, what's
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: that about?
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Well, I feel like it's not it's not so much
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: like you're amazing, like you are the best, But it's
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: all expressions of love. Is what I get from that?
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: Is like it's like communicating how you feel. Yeah, like
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: like when we discuss this and you tell me what
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: I mean to you that makes me feel loved or
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so expressing expressing affection or even yeah, compliments
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: that looks great, you look amazing. Words of encouragement, You're
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: doing a great job. All that. Acts of service, Bobby,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: So number two number one, words of affirmation. Number two
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: acts of service. Some people feel loved when this is happening,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Like like.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: When I know I have to do the dishes from
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: or or or.
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: Does it sound like you've got a very loving attitude
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: around that? That sounds like some kind of responsibility or punishment.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: No, but I noticed that when I do things like
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: out of the blow just spontaneously, that would make my
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: wife's life easier. Or I go out or grab something
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: that I know she wants and I'll bring it back.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: It's not like a gift, but something like she wants
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: to have in the house. I know that that makes
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: her feel very loved.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: So what if you had to guess, say one, two, three,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: or maybe there's only one and two. But what's how
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: does her kind of hierarchy go in terms of love language?
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: What's what's number one on her list?
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: Ooh, I feel like I feel like this could be
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: a cop out, but I feel like they're all very
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: much collapsed with words of affirmation, there's physical touch and
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: acts of service because all three of those are like
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: how we consistently communicate. Yeah, it like for me, it's
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: the cap. For for me, I know it's the combination.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Like if I come home, especially if I know she's
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: wanting wine, let's say out on the way back, I'll
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: make a detour. I'll make it a point not She
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: asks me. This is very different than hey, could you
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: pick up some wine on the way home? She says,
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: not a word to me, and I walk through the
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: front door, holding wine, and then I give her a
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: hug a cuddle for her I think that makes her
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: feel most left. Yeah, I feel like I feel like
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: words of affirmation I higher for me than.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: It's funny, because I would say, because I have only
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: been insecure for sixty two years, words of affirmation have
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: always been up there for me. While I would pretend
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: they weren't, you know, I'd be like, yeah, no, I
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: don't need to flattery. I don't. Yes, I do, tell me,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: please tell me, tell me more. Right. I think I've
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: kind of outgrown that a little bit, but early I'm
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: definitely words of affirmation, like people liking what I did
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: or liking what I said, giving approval all because of
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: my you know, numerous emotional inadequacies, I would imagine. But
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: so yesterday I had a bunch of friends who come
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: and helped my mum and dad move, which we might
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: talk about later, but you know, moving to eighty six
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: year olds from one town to another, from one house
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: to another, and honestly, there was about and they don't
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: know this, but they might guess it. I don't know
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: what I tell them, Yeah, like God tell the world,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: but I won't tell them like there was my training
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: partner of twenty years, the crab who you know, who
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: you love, who you've trained with? There was my best
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: mate since I was eight. Vinn there was believe it
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: or not, my UNI supervisor. Like, here's this dude. He's
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: a senior professor, he's got two PhDs, he speaks seven languages,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: he's a genius. He took a day, he took a
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: day of annual leave to come and help me to
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: drive four hours to move my parents. It nearly made
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: me cry. And then this friend of mine that I've
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: known since school, Mary Anne, who is just the best human,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: Like just all of these people donated all of this
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: energy and time and not just yes, but yesterday it
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: was like a fourteen hour day of relentless grind lifting, carrying, moving,
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: giving Ron and Mary love, and it like this is weird,
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: but this is how I guess dysfunctional. I still am
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: in some ways, if I'm being honest. But I felt
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: so unworthy of all the help. I felt so guilty
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: about all the help, but I felt so overwhelmingly grateful
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: for their act of service, Like a whole day to go,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: and they're all like, we don't want anything, We just
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: love you, moum and dad, this is just what we
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: want to do. We're here, What do you need? What
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: have we got to move? What else do you need?
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: And then at the end of the day everyone was fucked.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: They're like, okay, let me know what else you need,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and all of them are like, yeah, we'll come back
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: and we'll do another day. I'm like, just that it. Ah.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize how much that mattered to me. But
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: so for me yesterday anyway, just people being willing to
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: do stuff kind of really for my mum and dad,
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: but really for me as well. That just yeah, even
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: right now makes me tiny bit emotional.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: It is overwhelming and like, obviously something like that would
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: mean a lot to you, but I feel like it
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: probably means a lot to them as well.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh wow, I guess it is nice when you
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: can genuinely do something for someone that you care about
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: and move the needle, you know, you know, it's actually helping.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: When you do something that's an act of service for someone,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: you tend to view them more fondly, and that tends
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: to cultivate a connection that's stronger than if somebody does
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: something for you, because it reinforces evidence that your identity
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: is aligned with the person you want to be, and
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: I think that fosters closeness. Yeah, that's why. Like there's
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: so much division in the world right now, and I
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: know that, Like, thank you, Captain obvious. It's almost terrifying,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: Like not just the level of division, but the things
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: were divided over I had. I had a stupid thing
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: I did over the past week. I mean, I'm always
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: doing many stupid things, but there's one stupid thing in particular.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: But I feel that if people were just in proximity
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: to one another, and like proximity not just conversationally, but
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: where they have to be in the same community together,
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: and they would chat with each other and do things
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: for each other like communities do. I feel a lot
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: of that stuff would just be absurd to us. It
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: would so reshape our worldview and perspective. Not everyone, but
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: I would probably say half the people that have strong
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: beliefs about other individuals who they know literally nothing about.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: This is all story in their head. That would go away,
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: not just being around people within a conversation range, but
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: within a community life environment.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, it's funny when you do stuff that is
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: and I know, different things for different people, of course.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: But for me, when I do stuff that is meaningful,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: like really meaningful, and I know it's going to or
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: I believe it's going to help somebody else in a
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: real way. Not make someone feel good for thirteen seconds,
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: but I know this could actually help them. They've better
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: be better, you know, come up with a solution, solve
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: a problem, be healthier, or just you know, feel great
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: for a while. Whatever. Yeah, there's something in that that
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I can't do for myself. I can't make me feel
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: like that, you know, But I can help others feel
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: like that, you know. And like even over the years,
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: like when I was young and dumb and buying you know,
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: fast cars and expensive cars and bullshit, because I was
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: an idiot, and I remember, and I'm not saying this
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: sound good or anything. It's just my story, but I
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: bought my mum a few cars and my dad a car.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: And the first time I bought my mum a car,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: it was just a little basic car, and but it
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: was brand new. They were brand new, and I took
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: and she didn't know, she had no idea. It was
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: her birthday and her car was pretty shitty. So I
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: drove the new car, like with no kilometers on it.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: By the time I got to there, probably had one
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: hundred and fifty kilometers. I stopped about a kilometer away
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: and I polished the car. It was already clean, but
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: you know, a few bugs and shit. I cleaned the
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: car and I had this gigantic, like eighteen inch by
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: eighteen inch red ribbon that came on the car from
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: the dealership, so I put that on the bonnet or
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: as you would say, the hood, and I just drove
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: it into the driveway and Mum came out and Mum's
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: not Mum's very stoic. Mum's not like mum's mum. I've
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: told this too many times. I apologized but died giving
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: birth to my mum. So my mum never had a mum.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: So she grew up first year of the Second World
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: War she was born, so she grew up in the war,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: first six years of her life. Life was fucking tough.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: And she's very strong and very stoic. And she walked
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: out and saw the car and nothing on her face,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: like she didn't think it was for her, because who
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: would ever do that? And it was just like I
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: still remember that moment, and in the context of all
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: the other dumb shit I've bought. It wasn't even that expensive,
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: you know, but it was like, Oh, I had so
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: much joy buying her a cheap little car that I
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: never got with any of the bullshit I bought for me.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, ah, yeah, wow, this is a good lesson.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I can't I can only get joy in giving, not getting,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: or temporary joy in getting, but very temporary but giving. Yeah. So,
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: without trying to sound too biblical on everybody, I apologize,
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: but that's my story.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think giving is getting because it's unavoidable
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: how you feel in that moment. And I feel like
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: when you're giving, it could be something small to a
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: strange or something large, and obviously it doesn't have to
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: be material. But I feel like that's that one moment
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: for me where I feel like, Okay, I'm human and
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: I am connected to someone, and I am doing exactly
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: what I'm supposed to do. This is how people are
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: supposed to live together. This is how people are supposed
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: to interact. One of the things I'm worried about is
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: we get very bad advice. That's partially true, but it's
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: presented in a way that's so destructive. Like the whole
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: you know, nobody's responsible, you know, for your happiness other
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: than you. It's not about other people, it's about you. Well, yeah,
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: the first part of that's true. Nobody's responsible for your
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: happiness other than you. And making somebody responsible for your
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: happiness is a lot to put in another human being.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: But good luck being happy on your own, because I
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: would imagine not just based on the data. I'm not
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: going to go into too the enormous amount of research,
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: but just the anecdotal experience he just did, but just
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: just being a human being. Like I'm not even going
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: to go there, just the experience of being a human being.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: Anytime you think about you when you were really happy,
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: and you look back at this time and go, that
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: was the time. That period probably involved other people, close
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: intimate relationships, people you gave to, something you created for someone.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: Had a conversation with a beautiful guy, John Graham this morning,
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: and he was talking about why it's so important to
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: do what you do with such exquisite excellence, no matter
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: what role or job title do you have, because that
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: contributes to people. It is an act of giving. It's like, yeah,
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: and I think it's like this vicious cycle where the
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: world's so divided that we're increasing the distance between us
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: and other people. It's the us and them, and the
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: wider that distance gets, the more mental health suffers, and
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: the more angry and bitter and resentful we get, and
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: the more bitter and resentful we get, the more we
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: distance ourselves from other people. I don't know if that's
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: by default or that's by design, but it seems to
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: be a perpetually, I think intense vicious cycle that we're
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: experiencing globally. It concerns me. I mean, I fell into
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: it this week in a small but significant way.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: Can I just tell you that you've dated us out
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: of our love conversation?
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: No, I don't think, because I feel like if you
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: talk about go write a post about love on the
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: internet and see the comments that you get from people
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: who are clearly offering and either not feeling self love
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: or love for somebody else or being loved by other people,
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: because those comments don't come from a place of being
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: well adjusted and lightened and living in a state of
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: perpetual bliss and gratitude, does it? So? I don't know. Yeah,
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: I guess I did deviate, but.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: No, it's all right, I'm just really not really it's good. No,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: it's good. It's I mean, emotions in general, love, hate,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: you know, kindness, jealousy, resent, envy, whatever, sadness, happiness, you know,
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: it's it's messy, it's a fucking it's a whirlpool of
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: the human experience. Let's talk about So also, what do
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: you think what's the top of your list? Yeah, that's
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: the top of your list.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: Are you talking about my love language?
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Love language?
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: I really don't know.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: I'll give them to you. Words of affirmation, so you've
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: got some thing time, words of affirmation, acts of service,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think. I think for me it's it's a
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: combination of time, physical touch from certain people I don't
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: generally like being touched, and of course words of affirmation,
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: acts of service. I appreciate gifts, to tell you the truth, conkievetos.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: I mean, I appreciate it when I get them, but
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: they don't move me as much as some of the
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: other things.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: It's so interesting because I think all of these are
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: very variable. Like you might get a gift from me
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: that's something that's really you never thought you'd get, and
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: it's quite sentimental, or it's you know, it's like fucking amazing.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Or I might give you a wooden frog to put
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: in your garden. You're like, ah, I love this wooden frog.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: You know who knows. But it's it's that also, like
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: with the physical touch. I'm I'm a little bit of
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: a hugger. It's like when I do a workshop, especially
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: a public workshop, I reckon I give out at least
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: one hundred hugs and love that. But yeah, I'm I'm
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: I'm not massive on you know, from some people. I
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: guess it depends on what it's about. But receiving gifts
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: for me, I'm like you, it's like I would rather
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: somebody spend that on themselves or somebody else. And quality time.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: I think it's like it's dependent on the person. There
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: are some people I want to spend no time with
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: how much zero, And then other people it's almost like
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: you can't get enough. I'm a bit of a weirdo,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: so I need Craig time. But there are some people
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: that I genuinely like spending time with. And I mean, no, Horriady,
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: go what about you?
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: I mean for me, it's like we can we can
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: like sit here and gas as to what our love
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: language is, and it's all open to interpretation. I think
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: the best way to look at anything, or one very
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: effective way is look in the past, right like the holidays,
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: just past. What do I want to do during the holidays?
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: Or we were even talking about this my wife and
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I amy yesterday. Where my birthdays? Sometimes I don't even
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: like sharing my birthday with a lot of people because
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: the things that I want to do on the holidays
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: and on my birthday are I would rather sit in
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: the pub, spend time, talk to you, and that to
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: me makes me feel loved. That to me is complete bliss.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: I don't want a gift for my birthday. I don't
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: want another parasox for Christmas. I'd rather go out and
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: do something and experience something, go somewhere and spend time
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: and have conversation. So I know that that's got to
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: be pretty high up on my list because whenever I
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: have the option to engage in any of those, those
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: are the ones that eight ten to choose with most
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: people most of the time.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: What about I know for a lot of people, including
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: a lot of including somebody who's on this podcast regularly,
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: and a lot of my friends. They get a lot
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: of their like their love bucket filled from animals, you
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: know where that's I think also because there's an element
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: of safety and predictability with animals, you know, or with
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: their animals. Once you know a buck of motherfuck, that
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: little motherfucker is going to be so happy in ten
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: minutes when I walk back through the door, like they've
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: never seen me before.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: Oh my days. So we have two cats now right
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: ones a justing. They're very they're very close. They just
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: we do tend to move them around quite a bit.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: It but the older one we rescued him. He's extremely
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: intelligent and he could like, you know, everything he's thinking
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: and feeling and I when.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: You come home sometimes and he's watching Jippity smoking the.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Pot, well, no, no, it's it's it's more like Hallmark
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: movies mid afternoon. It's just but he loves it. Knitting.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: No he's not, it's not into he's not into uh
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: knitting yet, but you know, he loves his lego sets.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: So he doesn't live with me. He's in Brooklyn right
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: now because Amy goes back and forth to Brooklyn. And
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: when we first oh, when we first packed him up
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: to take him to Brooklyn. I didn't get to say
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: goodbye because we were pulling up to the to the
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: curb at the airport and as she was getting out,
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: she had him in the bag and we got yelled
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: at come on, moving along, moving along. I was like,
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: oh God. I gave her a quick hug, didn't say goodbye.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: It cat, So I rock up. Weeks later, that cat
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: remembers that he won't go near me for twenty four hours.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: He's furious. So I leave and I'm away for a
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: while and then I'm coming back to Brooklyn again, and
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh God, when I walk through the front door,
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: he's going to be angry again because I laughed, and
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: you know, for like twenty four hours, he's not going
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: to talk to me. That is not what happened. I
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: have never seen a cat do this, and I'll let
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: I am going to admit this in front of thousands
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: of listeners. I walked through the front door and he
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: looked up, stood up, and his eyes got big and watery.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: And the cat saw me and started to cry and
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: the look on his face. He jumps off of the
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: couch and he starts slowly walking over to me and
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: puts his poor on me and I just I just
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: welled up with CEUs.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: It was are you standing? Were you sitting?
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: What we do? I walked through the front door in
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Brooklyn and I just looked and he was. He was
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: on the sofa. He looks up, sees me, his eyes
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: get just enormous and his pupils just completely dilated, just
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: just all watery, and he came out. It was the
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: sweetest thing. This cat was so missed me clearly so much,
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: was so happy to see me. It was such an
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: emotional moment for me. I was like, Wow, how long
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: were you there for? Well, I left straight after I
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: had to go. Now I was there for I was
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: there for a couple of weeks.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: And did he just follow you everywhere?
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah, he followed me everywhere. The new cat ran
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: from me because he didn't know who I was. And
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: I came in with suitcases. So we got to know
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: each other over the two week period. And then when
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: I laughed, you had like every time the older one
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: sees suitcases, he gets very depressed because he knew somebody.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah he knows you're leaving.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: That's a pretty smart cat.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's brilliant. It's his greatest attribute and his greatest liability.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: He's super, super intelligent and tuned in. The other one's
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: an absolute idiot, but he's adorable.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I love him. Her friends like that. I am like that.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: You're not talking about me.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, So this framework that wasn't Oh, I don't know
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: if it was developed scientifically, I wouldn't think so. But
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: I think he's got a really good insight into how
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: humans work. Oh, he's got a PhD. Maybe is he
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: a medical doctor or an academic doctor?
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: I really don't I'm familiar anyway, he's one or the other.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: How do you think that, like on a practical level,
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: So we understand some people, you know, some people they
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: get gifts, Like my mum. When I gave her that car,
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: it wasn't so much about I mean, she loved the car,
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: but it was more that I would do that for her.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: It's like, my son loves me enough to do this.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: That's what kind of cracked her up. And she never
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: cracks up. She bowled, She bowled like a baby, and
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: she never bawls. She doesn't cry, right, And I reckon
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: it was five percent about the car and ninety five
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: percent of the car. That's about ninety five percent of
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: the fact that she's like, oh, how much does my
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: kid love me? You know? Well, yeah, of course.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: That makes a lot of sense. I mean, we all
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: have the same basic human needs, but how those needs
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: are met very quite a bit. So if you grew
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: up and dad never told you I love you, I'm
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: proud of you, propel affirmation would be quite important to you,
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: wouldn't it. Where if you grew up and you had
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: very loving parents, but there was always this sense of
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: scarcity and lack and anxiety around that, and you grew
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: up you had a partner who you know, would commit
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: acts of service or would buy you material things that
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: might be a symbol that you're safe, that you're provided for,
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: and that may list it, you know, feelings of love
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: and connection and care. So I think it depends on
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: how we interpret things based on where we've come from,
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: what we've experienced.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Do you think it's worth taking the time to pay
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: more attention and open the door a little bit on
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: metacognition and theory of mind understanding broadly how people think
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: and more broadly how they feel and their version of reality,
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: and like, how they love and how they experience love,
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: and what do I need to do too, Like, if
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: my intention is to give them love, how do I
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: do that in a way where it's not like I'm
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: giving love to myself, it's actually what they need. It's like,
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: you know, my perfect dinner is broccoli, chicken and rice. Boom.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: I'm an excitement machine. My friends come over and I
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: go sit down. This is so fucking amazing, this will
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: blow your head off. Just you'll welcome, and I give
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: them a ball of what I like. Fucked dude, I'd
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: rather punch myself in the face. But to me taste amazing.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: But for them, it's like I'm just going to walk
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: up the road and get something else. Well, I think
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: there's something to that. I think there's you know. The
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: thing about loving something for me is sharing it. Like
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: if there's a film that I saw and it moved me,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I want you to see that film because I want
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: not because I think that you like what I like
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: and you're just like me. It's just if I love
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: this food or this song did something for me emotionally,
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: I want you to experience the things.
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: That I want to experience. Yeah, you know, and I
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: think that's one of the litmus tests for things that
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: you really value. Do those things come with conditions like
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: what I want most for myself? Do I want that
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: for other people without conditions? Or is it like, well, yeah,
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: of course I want you to have this. If you
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: look like me, if you think like me, if you
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: agree with me, that's not a value that that that
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: is a manipulation tactic. You're up, You're up to something.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: But then there's also paying attention to people's response and
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: being able to listen not just with words, but through
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: presence to who is this person, what do they respond to?
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: And not everybody is going to see the world and
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: react to the world the way you do. I think
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: not only will that expand and deepen how enriched our
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: world is, but it might really help the world because
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: we are lacking that right now.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it seems like empathy is not rampant
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: at the moment.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: Now. He can I talk about something stupid I did
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: because this has been on my mind and so I've
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: always said I don't I don't comment on top toxic
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: threads on the internet because it's a complete waste of time.
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: So I went ahead this week and I thought, you know,
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: let me comment on a toxic thread on the Internet.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, great idea, how did a guy for you? Ah?
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: It was it was hilarious, it was affirming, and then
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: upon reflection, it was devastating. And here's why I say that. One,
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: I'm on social media more than I should be, and
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: this is a habit I got into during the holidays
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: and I seriously need to break it. So somebody posted something.
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to get into the exact details because
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: I don't want this to become about that, but it
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: was kind of what I interpreted as a demeaning post
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: about these gross generalized categories of people like you know, I.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: It was almost like, thank Heavens, I'm not like these people,
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: and I'm as amazing as I am because you know,
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: I can't stand people who wear shoes they're evil, or
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: you know, people who wear like shades and shirts. You know,
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: so yeah, and it's just that. And I jumped on
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: and I was like, that is a contemptuous and and
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: I asked a question and the question was kind of
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: a trap, and I just called this person out because
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: where you say you're coming from, in my mind, did
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: not align with the message you're sending. And it really
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: got under my skin and I got a whole bunch
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: of likes on it, and then you know, I would
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: get some comments, you know, go cry about it. Then
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: soy boy or or somebody would like comment about my
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: political affiliations, even though I said nothing thing political. So
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: I don't know where you're getting that from. That's obviously
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: a projection. But then somebody wrote something and it really
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: made me think. And he said, you know, you better
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: be careful because you're playing with a double edged sword there,
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: and I was like, and I responded to that, and
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: then I sat with it later I was like, you
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: know what, He's right. I'm not engaging in discourse. I'm
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: engaging in loveless, arrogant hypocrisy. I'm coming after you because
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: you're filled with contempt. So I have contempt for your
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: contempt because I'm better than that. And not only am
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: I doing that, but I'm referencing things that are well
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: above my right and authority to reference. I am literally
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: nobody to bring this into a conversation. And I am
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: whatever you're doing in this area, I guarantee, like, I
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: am probably twice as bad as you, to say the least.
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: I was like, wow, So the analogy that was in
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: my head and I'm using this purely as an analogy,
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: not a literal reference. Imagine the world as vibrational frequencies, right,
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: And there are certain frequencies you know when you're sitting
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: at your desk and you hear something like an alarm
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: going off, and how disconcerting that frequency is, and how
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: that's so disruptive to your well being and your focus
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: so many things. I think most of the Internet is
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: like that now, where it's this disruptive, disconcerting frequency that
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: creates nothing but disharmony. And what I did is I
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: added to that frequency, regardless of what my intention was,
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: no matter how many people, even the people who agreed
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: with me, they were probably agreeing and anger. So I
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: just amplified a disconcerting frequency. And that is the last
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: thing the world needs. And I'm like, I wonder what
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: would have happened if I would DM this person not publicly,
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: and said, hey, you're going through something? Is everything? Okay?
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: You know I noticed this, and I just want you
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: to know that things do get better, people do care.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: And I might have gotten nothing back, or maybe they
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: would have written piss off back. Probably would have deserved
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: that as well, But that is the only thing that's
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: capable of making a difference. It's it's like it was.
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: I mean, it wasn't like a huge thing. It wasn't
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: like I tore into someone I know out in the
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: real world. But I felt so self set. That's the
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: first thing. Whenever you're there's telling truth and then there's
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: telling truth with love. And if you're telling truth, you
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: get to really ask yourself, does this have more to
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: do with benefiting the other person or a higher principle,
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: or is this about me? If you're telling truth from love,
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: the chance is that you're on that frequency that adds
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: harmony rather than detracts from it is much much greater.
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: But that's just an experience I had with my own
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: this week.
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, thanks for sharing that. That's very interesting and
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: it is very well one. It's very magnanimous and very
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: very good self awareness for you to have that self
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: reflection and insight and then to be able to realize.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: I mean, I've never ever seen anyone, ever, on any thread,
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: ever on any platform, jump on say some bullshit after
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: someone else said some bullshit, and then the other person
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: criticizes them, and then the person who jumped onto criticized
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: back goes you know what I really thought about it.
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: You're right, I'm wrong, like without.
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: Being sarcastical, facetious, right, no, but it even gets worse.
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: One person did say, hey, I don't think I'm responsible
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: for that what you're talking about. And I'll tell you
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: what these groups of people, and the groups of people
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: like one of them were like vegans, which what all
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: vegans are horrible evil people. I mean, you know, like
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: I love a chicken curry. Hopefully, like we're not going
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: to fall out over that. So it was like, but
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: you know, they frustrate me. It's like that was an
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: opportunity to go, hey, hey, can I just ask him?
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: When you say, like, what do you mean they frustrate you?
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: Can I ask it?
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: I honestly think, like, honestly, mey, just sitting here is
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: such a fucking waste of time, all of it, like.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: It really it really is, like.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, but all of them. No, no, no, no, no,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: it's such a fucking waste of your time. And you're
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: so smart, right who No, no, no, it's a waste
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: of your fucking time. It's such bullshit. And you know,
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: and I know that it almost never and I would
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: say never, but I don't have the data, it almost
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: never produces a positive or healthy outcome.
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: Right. Also, with you completely.
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: Hang on last thing, then you can fucking hijack me.
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: Last thing is you are talking to people who don't
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: want your opinion, like this is theo. They do not
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: fucking care how you think, even if you were unequivocally right,
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: which you're not. Just like I'm never unequivocally right. I
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: get shit wrong right all the time. But the problem
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: is that it's like I hear people talk about stuff
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: that I am an expert in, like getting in shape,
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: like exose physiology science, you know, like body competitions, da, da,
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: da da, and they say, shit, that's unequivocally well to
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: my my experience, my knowledge, my research, it's not true.
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: And I can go in there and say, hey, guess
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: what you know for forty four years, I've been working
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: with human beings and I do this, and I've done that,
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: and all of that's true, and then what comes out
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: of my mouth might also be true. But it doesn't
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: fucking matter if they don't want to hear me. So
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: the question is not is what I'm saying insightful, clever, true?
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: Could it move the needle? Could it help someone? The
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: only question that matters is is this person open to
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: hearing what I have to say in a real way?
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: Do they want to do they want to listen to me?
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: And the answer is almost totally know they don't. They
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: just want to vent. So when you jump on and
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: do a version of venting, it's like, it's such a
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: fucking waste.
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: Bro completely and now mind you not defending myself, but.
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: Abe do this very very rarely.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: Is this is something that was so out of character
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: for me, which is why I'm talking about It's not
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: like I'm.
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: Into so smart. Do not do that again.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: It was like this one off where I was just
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: I was I was at this point where I was
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: just like reading all these news stories, which is not
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: a good thing.
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: That it's an idea. Don't do that in the first place.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: One you won't get to step to your fuck with.
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: I would not agree, can not agree more. No argument.
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: The point I was making, I think you made it
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: actually is if you are going to waste time and engage,
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: at least at least don't throw out bloody opinions, because,
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: like on LinkedIn, for example, the platform I quite enjoy I've.
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: Asked questions, my listeners, do you get the idea that
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: he really Oh, my default speaker has changed. Do you
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: really get the idea that this is where he wanted
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: to go the whole show. He didn't want to talk
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: about love.
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: No, I did want to talk about it because it's
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: for me. I think sometimes the the way to really
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: get clarity on something is to take a look at
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: what is it not? Like how many times to people say, oh,
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: I don't know what I want? Okay, and we've had
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: this conversation, what do you really not want? Like what's
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: your worst nightmare? Let's reverse engineer back from there. But yes,
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: like I've I have been able to make progress with
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: people talking about business and science on LinkedIn. But usually
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: that's curiosity and that's questions. It's not my opinion and
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: ego that I'm leading with, which is so so different
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: from what has happened over the course of the week.
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure about LinkedIn. I'm on LinkedIn. I'm not sure.
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: It's a lot more pleasant, Like there's a lot less
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: belligerence and oh I love it.
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: I mean it's out there. There's people that bring up things.
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: It's like, why you're bringing this up on LinkedIn, and
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: there's there's people who are quite hostile, but you also
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: get I would say fifty percent of the people that
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: they want to engage, they want to learn, they want
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: to have respectful discourse that deepens their subject matter expertise.
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: I quite love that platform.
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: It's always good to chat to you, bro, and it's
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: always good to have a little mini argument with you.
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: Uh yeah, that was that was great.
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: I think I might just need like a really good
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: night's sleep and a Camra mealt this week. I don't
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: want we got it into me this week.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: I'd even need a little cuddle and a shoulder rub.
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: It's not my love language, isn't it.
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: But thanks, I could have said fifteen fucking hilarious things
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: strip back. I said none, because you know what, I'm
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: a grown up. How can people connect with you? Well,
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: I am on LinkedIn, as previously mentioned on the project,
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: you wilso have a podcast called.
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: H I Do. I've also got this Robert Capuccio dot
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: com website.
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, where you could just that that that was available? Yeah,
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: Thank Evans. My name is James Smith.
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: Thanks buddy, I'll talk to you soon, Bro, talk to
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: you soon you mate.