Latest / Life and How to Live It with Dr Rocco / Moving From Reactivity to Creativity

Transcript

Moving From Reactivity to Creativity · Life and How to Live It with Dr Rocco

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Do you sometimes feel like life is passing you by?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: How would you like to get more out of life?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: We explore all things life on this podcast.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Life and How to Live It podcast with Dr.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Rocco.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Life and How to Live It.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Run and love every minute.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Live and how to live it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Dream, create, connect, just live it.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to another episode of the Life and How to Live It podcast with me, Dr.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Rocco.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: In today's episode, we will explore a topic which comes up all the time in my coaching work: Reactivity versus Creativity.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I first learned about this concept of reactivity versus creativity while studying in the Leadership and Performance Coaching Program of ACT at Brown University.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: I immediately saw there was real power in this way of looking at things and how it could apply to both our personal and professional life.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: So what do we mean when we say reactivity and creativity?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Well, these are different ways of responding to events that occur in our lives.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: In reactivity, an event occurs and we react automatically and quickly.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: In creativity, an event occurs and we take a little time to interpret it, to analyze it, and then re we respond accordingly.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, reactivity is very normal.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: This is kind of like the majority of how we respond to things in life.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: We respond in a reactive way, most people do most of the time.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And there's nothing wrong with that.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes reactivity does not give us the response that would give us the best outcome.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's something I want to talk about today.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: But so let's talk about react reactivity first.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to be talking about some work that was done by Robert J.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Anderson and William A.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Adams in a book called Mastering Leadership.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: So they have they talk about different styles of reactivity.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: So these styles are a normal part of our psychological development and closely tied to our sense of self, our sense of safety, success, and self-worth.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: So they're very closely tied to who we are and how we respond to things.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there are three different styles, as I said.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, each person fits into one major style, although you may have elements of the others as well as part of your identity.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So the first one I'm going to talk about is the style called complying.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, complying is the person who is identity is tied to relationships and being liked and accepted.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: So this is that person who is always trying to, you know, work collaboratively with other people and build community and relationships.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really important to them that they are liked and accepted.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: The next type is the controlling type whose identity is tied to getting results and being in charge.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, this is that person who feels like, you know, if I don't do it, it's not going to get done or it won't get done right.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so they are very interested in results.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: They're very interested in driving those results through their own power of personality.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then the third type is what's called protecting.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: These are the people whose identity is tied to being smart, being thoughtful, being thought of as someone who's brilliant or uh a person with great vision.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: So that you know, these three styles are really tied closely to who we are.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And when something happens that goes against us, you know, we tend to react through that personal style.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: So let me give you an example of that to make this a little more clear.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine that there is a manager, and that manager has to come up with a plan of how to approach a project in the next quarter.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: So the manager spends a lot of time and effort analyzing the situation and coming up with a plan and then making a presentation and then giving the presentation in the conference room to their team.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And they get the sense that the team does not really buy in to the uh presentation and the project that's being proposed.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, you know, you can tell, you know, you can see that manager can see by body language, by facial expression, by questions that are asked, that the team doesn't really buy it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: So each type of person is going to react to this in a different way.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: The complying person is going to say, Oh my God, I I've tried so hard to work with these people and create community and create a relationship.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: And um, they don't like my ideas, so therefore they don't like me.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they jump to that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's very, it's very personal.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's like they don't like me, they don't think I'm a good boss, they're gonna hate me.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, so their response, their reactivity, their reaction is going to be to try to kind of change the plan to appeal to the people.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, they may go so far as to scrap the whole thing rather than alienate people and be uh disliked.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: So obviously, that's not a very uh productive way of proceeding in the world.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, let's move to the controlling person.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Same scenario, they give their presentation and they see that the feedback is not a hundred percent on board.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Their response is hey, I'm the boss here, these are my ideas, this is what we're doing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they're thinking in their head, and what their action will be if they're purely in reactivity, is to become more authoritative and basically make people do this stuff, make them do the thing.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: These are your marching orders.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: So we can see how that might not ultimately be as productive.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's move on to the third type of manager who is that protecting one.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: So when they give their presentation and and don't get the response they were hoping for, their immediate reaction is my team thinks I'm stupid.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: They don't think I've thought this through, they don't think I know what I'm doing.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so what they're going to do is try to, well, first of all, they'll get defensive and and then they'll try to explain, they'll over-explain and try to convince people using data and things like that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so that also may not be the best approach to get to some successful outcome.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: So these are our three different types, and we will come back to them in a minute.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, it's very interesting shifting gears, thinking about a little bit about the neuroscience that's involved in this.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about psychology a little bit, but on the neuroscience side, there are two basic systems that address events and phenomena that occur to you know in in daily life.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, this is an oversimplification, but you know, for purposes of this podcast, let's leave it at on this, you know, 30,000-foot level.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: So the first system is the limbic sympathetic system.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a very old part in in evolution.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is a very old basic part of the brain that you know has kept us alive, frankly.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, this is the fight or flight.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is a system that is its main job is to act quickly and keep us safe and alive.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: The problem with this system is it does not distinguish between a saber-toothed tiger jumping out at you or someone sending you a nasty email or having an argument um with your spouse.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Ultimately, the this limbic sympathetic system sees everything the same way and has the same kind of response.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: The response is something like, you know, your heart, your heartbeat is faster, you may sweat a little bit, you might feel something in like the pit of your stomach.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, these are all things that indicate danger and that we have to react quickly.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And and the way we react quickly is we go immediately to our reactive type in order to stay safe, in order to protect our identity, our self-worth, and our value in the group.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the other system that we have is the prefrontal cortex, which is more advanced in terms of uh neurodevelopment and evolution.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, this is a system that is slower and it allows us to pause and analyze and consider many alternatives and intentionally choose what is the best response.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: So both systems have value.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: So let's not try to denigrate the limbic sympathetic system.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: That system is extremely valuable and keeps us alive.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: However, the prefrontal way of thinking, which is slower and more methodical, can often give us a better answer once we're in a position of safety.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: So that, you know, is a lot of people talk about safety, you know, like this sense of psychological safety.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, part of the value of psychological safety in any situation, whether it be in your personal life, at home, with friends, uh, or in the workplace, is if you feel safe, you're more likely to not be quickly jumping into these limbic and sympathetic responses and being so reactive all the time, but you feel comfortable enough to allow yourself to go to that prefrontal cortex to think about best alternatives and responses.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: So system one is say is asking, Am I safe?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And system two is asking, Well, what's really happening here?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: What's the best response?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: So now coaching it comes in at this place of trying to help people to be more creative.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: So in coaching, one of the things that I do a lot is ask people, what is the story you are telling yourself?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: We're always telling ourselves stories, even though we don't hear it as a story.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's that person who feels like the story is um, my team hates me, they have rejected me, they personally have offended me by not loving my presentation.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And when I ask that client, you know, what story are you telling yourself?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: And they can answer that and hear themselves say that out loud, a lot of times they get the awareness of like, oh, that actually sounds kind of silly.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, my team doesn't hate me, they just don't like this idea or they have some reservations about this idea.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: So this is part of the value of coaching is to like help you to stop and analyze, you know, what is it that, you know, this this knee-jerk kind of reaction that you're coming to.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the next question I will ask is something to help a person reframe or think about the situation somehow differently.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I will ask them, you know, is there another way of looking at this?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: If we've talked about these concepts of reactivity and creativity, I may say, you know, if you were being creative or if a creative person were looking at the situation, how might they see it?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of ways to help people take that step back and reframe.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: So as a coach, my job is to help people do this, but also to internalize this so that they don't always need me to help them whenever they have a difficult conversation with their supervisor or their team or their coworker or or whatever it may be.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: So it's important that I help people to sort of break that, like something happens, I react.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Stop that, break that a little bit.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of those old cliches like count to 10 or don't send the email in anger, sleep on something.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, all of this helps you to break that like quick connection between something that occurs and your reaction that allows you to tap into your prefrontal cortex, which allows you to methodically analyze and decide what's the best response.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: So let's go back to our three managers and see how the creative response would be to the same situation.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: So that complying person, they feel rejected.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: They can't help but feel rejected.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's just how they are wired.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: They feel rejected, but they're not going to go into reactivity.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're going to say, okay, I know that this idea that I have is a good idea.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: I have put a lot of thought and effort into this, and this is the right direction to go.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And they will work leveraging these relationships that they have already created and figure out ways to work with their team and get them on board.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: So they're not, you know, scrapping the whole idea.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're telling their team, yeah, I think this is the best direction, but you know, I I trust you guys.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about this.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: So they're really like, as I said, leveraging the fact that they are good at making relationships, but they're not letting their reaction of being threatened just ruin the whole project.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so that is that creative way this person can address it.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: What about that controlling person?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: That controlling person who immediately thinks everybody's insubordinate and they've got to just, you know, push them harder to just do what they want them to do.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: So this person needs to think a little differently.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: What is really important to them?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: It is that they are so results driven that if they can realize that they cannot get the results they want by doing it themselves or by just pushing everyone to do everything that they want, but that somehow they need to recruit these people to get buy-in from these people.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And and so it's not that they're going to change their style, they still are who they are.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: But maybe they say something like, Okay, I have put a lot uh into this, and this is the direction we're going.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: I would like to hear some of your input about this so that we can all succeed in achieving this goal.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, so the person is not changing the fact that they're the boss uh and that they are the ones who drive the results and the success, but they realize that they're not going to have success if all they do is just push people and alienate everybody.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the third type, the protecting type, you know, this is that person who, you know, feels like they are being said told that they're not smart or they haven't thought it through or whatever, and they they get defensive and try to overexplain.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, a creative approach for them would be to say to their team, hey, you know, I put a lot into this, I think I've thought it through really well.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, what do you think?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Is there something that I'm missing here?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, opening themselves up to that vulnerability because that's going to help them get ahead.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: If they're always the one that has to have all the answers all the time, they are not going to get to where they want to go.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that that's part of them being a little more humble and realizing that everyone's got something to offer.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: And once again, they're not changing, they're still all about data, information, they're all about having to be on top of this stuff and being really smart.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: But we're all smarter if we put our heads together.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so that is part of the evolution from reactivity to creativity for that protecting type of person.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: So these are some of the ideas that I think are really helpful that we get into in coaching all the time.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm just going to give another example that has nothing to do with the professional world.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not going to talk about like the styles of complying, controlling, and protecting, but just you can see how reacting is not as fruitful as being creative.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine a family.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: You got a mom and a dad and three kids, ages 13 down to say eight, and they have planned a long vacation.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, a long weekend at the beach.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so they look forward to this long weekend at the beach.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: They've rented out a house, and uh they get to the beach and it's a complete washout.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like raining cats and dogs for the whole weekend, and the immediate reaction from everyone is anger, sadness, victimhood.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: Why does this always happen to us?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we've been looking forward to this, and oh my goodness, it's raining and we can't do anything we wanted to do.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, mom and dad, who have developed their prefrontal cortex and can step back from reactivity, can say, Okay, what can we do?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: We can't control the weather.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: Here we are, let's make the best of it.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And they come up with this idea to have a movie marathon, and they're gonna make popcorn and order pizzas, and everyone's gonna sit under a big blanket together and watch movies, and maybe they're gonna take like a short walk on the beach and all get wet and laugh and run around, and maybe they'll go to the local aquarium or something like that.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: This, what was very disappointing and could have been a mopey, whiny weekend, has turned into a vacation that this family will remember for years to come.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: So remember, tap into your creativity, don't let the world dictate how you feel about everything.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Figure out a way to step back, analyze, and think of the best response.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's time for Dr.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Rocco's Rix.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: Dr.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: Rocco's.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: My recommendation today is the FX TV program The Bear.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: This show just completed its fifth and final season.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: It is a fantastic show that explores family, mental illness, substance abuse, and trauma while making you fall in love with each and every character.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't want to recommend the show for these other reasons.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: I want to recommend it more so as a fascinating case study in leadership, team dynamics, culture, and human performance under pressure.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: One of the show's main characters, named Carmi, is a gifted chef who has worked in the kitchens of the most celebrated restaurants in the world.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: He takes over his family's Chicago sandwich shop and wants to transform it into a world-class fine dining restaurant while keeping the existing team in place.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: We see that Carmi's technical brilliance does not automatically translate into effective leadership.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: He really could have used a leadership coach.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: There are so many episodes that I watched and thought, oh my god, I could have really helped him there.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: We see that teams don't become high performing simply because you raise the standards.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: They become high performing when people trust one another, understand the mission, feel valued, and believe they can take risks without being humiliated or punished.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: Every person walks into the workplace carrying a history, an identity, fears, ambitions, and insecurities.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Great leaders don't just manage performance, they understand the human beings producing that performance.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: So in addition to all the great things from the bear, I look at it from that point of view.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: And if you watch the show, try to look for that too.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just a warning: the show is anxiety-inducing, it's sometimes frenetic and crazy with a lot of foul language.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: So if you can handle all that, it's an incredible show.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that the oldest tavern in America is the White Horse Tavern in Newport, Rhode Island?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: It opened in 1673, over 100 years before the founding of the United States.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's still there, I've seen it many times, and I hope to dine there one day myself.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you for listening to today's episode.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: I hope that you enjoyed it.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you learned something.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for spending some time with me, and until next time, so long.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening to the Life and How to Live It podcast with Dr.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: Rocco.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you'd like to book a coaching session with me, simply visit the show notes and schedule a discovery call.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: And if today's episode encouraged you or added value to your life, please subscribe and leave a review.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, life is not a dress rehearsal.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, so long.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just live it live and how to live it.