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10 Signs Gaslighting is Rewriting Your Reality and What God Thinks About This! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the Toxic Podcast.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Pastor Jake O'Connell and I'm here with my co-host Shannon L.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Alder, relationship life coach and author of the best-selling book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, today we're tackling a topic that leaves so many people feeling like they're losing their minds.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Gaslighting in relationships.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Jake, I'm so glad we're covering this.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse because it makes you question your own reality.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the worst part is, it's often so subtle that you don't even realize it's happening until you're deep in it.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right, and I think a lot of people have heard the term, but they don't fully understand what it is and what it isn't.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start there.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: What exactly is gaslighting?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person makes another person doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a deliberate tactic used to gain power and control.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: The term comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight, where a husband slowly dims the gaslights in their home and then tells his wife she's imagining it.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: He isolates her and makes her believe she's going crazy.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's a powerful origin story, so it's not just a disagreement or someone remembering things differently.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's a systematic pattern of denial and distortion.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a key point.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is not a one-time argument where someone says, I don't remember it that way.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's a repeated intentional pattern.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about being right or wrong in a debate.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's about making you feel unstable so the abuser can maintain control.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: So what are some things gaslighting is not?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think people sometimes misuse the term.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Great question.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is not simply having a different opinion.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not forgetting a minor detail.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's not being told you're wrong about a fact when you actually are wrong.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not a healthy conflict where both people are trying to understand each other.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is specifically about eroding someone's sense of reality to dominate them.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: That distinction is so important.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: So how do you recognize gaslighting when it's happening to you?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: What are the red flags?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: There are several classic signs.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: First, you constantly second guess yourself.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You apologize all the time, even when you're not sure what you did wrong.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: You feel confused and disoriented in the relationship.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You start to believe you're too sensitive or overreacting.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you often make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I've heard people say they feel like they're walking on eggshells.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is that part of it?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, walking on eggshells is a huge indicator.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're constantly monitoring your words and actions to avoid triggering your partner's anger or denial.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You might also notice that your partner denies things they clearly said or did, even when you have proof.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: They might say things like, That never happened, or you're imagining things, or you're too sensitive.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: And what about the narcissist's role in this?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because our listeners know we talk a lot about narcissistic abuse.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Narcissists are master gaslighters.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: They use it to protect their fragile ego and maintain their false self-image.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: They need to be right, they need to be in control, and they need you to doubt yourself so you won't challenge them.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: They'll rewrite history, deny their own words, and project their behavior onto you.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if they're cheating, they'll accuse you of being paranoid or even cheating yourself.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: That projection is so confusing, you start to wonder if you're the problem.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the goal.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: The narcissist wants you to feel like the crazy one so they can avoid accountability.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: They'll say things like, you're remembering it wrong, or, I never said that, or you're making things up to start a fight.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, you lose trust in your own judgment.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, I know you often recommend resources to help people understand these dynamics.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a movie that illustrates gaslighting really well that our listeners could rent on Prime?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: The classic film I mentioned earlier, Gaslight from 1944, is available to rent on Amazon Prime.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's the origin of the term, and it's a chilling, perfect example of how a manipulator slowly erodes someone's reality.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Watching it can be incredibly validating, because you see the tactics laid out so clearly.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you recognize the pattern in your own life.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great recommendation.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So once someone recognizes they're being gaslit, what can they do to overcome it?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know the feeling of going crazy is real.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: The first step is to trust your own reality again, start keeping a journal.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Write down what happened, what was said, and how you felt.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: This creates an objective record you can refer back to when your partner tries to rewrite history.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's also crucial to stop engaging in the gaslighter's reality.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove them wrong or win the argument, simply state your truth and disengage.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: So it's about not playing their game.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't argue with a gaslighter, they will never admit they're wrong.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, set firm boundaries.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Say things like, I know what I saw, and I'm not going to discuss it further.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Then remove yourself from the conversation.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Also, seek support from people who validate your reality, trusted friends, a therapist, or a support group.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Isolation is the gaslighter's best friend.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: And what about self-care?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because this kind of abuse takes a toll on your mental health.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Self-care is essential.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Practice grounding techniques to stay present.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself of your strengths and your worth.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Affirmations can help.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Things like, I trust my perceptions, or my feelings are valid.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you may need to consider whether the relationship is safe for you at all.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the only way to truly heal is to leave.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's a hard truth, but an important one.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, you've written extensively about this in The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Can you share a little about the resources you offer for people who are ready to break free?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm creating a new course on how to break the trauma bond in 90 days.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: All of these resources are designed to help you reclaim your reality and rebuild your life.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's incredible.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: And where can our listeners find all of that?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is available on my website, ShannonAlder.com.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn about the 90 Days to Freedom workbook, the new book, and the upcoming course on breaking the trauma bond.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's all there to support you on your healing journey.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Shannon.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to remind our listeners to follow us on all podcast platforms.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Also, stop by Staying Positive University on Facebook to hear uplifting quotes about emotional abuse.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's a community where you can find encouragement and hope.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, please join us there.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You are not alone, and there is a path forward.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Before we close, I want to read a scripture that speaks to overcoming abuse.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Psalm 34, verse 18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: If you've been gaslit, you may feel crushed in spirit, but God sees you and he is near.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's beautiful, Jake.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to add that healing is possible.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can trust yourself again, you can rebuild your life.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Let's pray.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Father God, we lift up every listener who has been manipulated, confused, and made to feel crazy.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: We ask for your healing over their minds and hearts.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Restore their sense of truth and their confidence in their own perceptions.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Break every chain of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Surround them with people who speak life and truth.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Give them the courage to set boundaries and the wisdom to know when to walk away.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Jake, and thank you to everyone listening.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, your reality matters, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be treated with respect and love.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's all for today's episode of the Toxic Podcast.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Don't forget to visit ShannonAlder.com for the 90 Days to Freedom Workbook and all of Shannon's resources.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Follow us on all podcast platforms and join us at Staying Positive University on Facebook.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, stay strong and stay in the truth.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: God bless.