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How to Save a Marriage · Pastor John Piper's answers

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  Speaker 1: Almost of us inner relationships with a notebook of sorts
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  Speaker 1: invisible ledger. What we do for others, we track, what
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  Speaker 1: we are owed, we track, We keep a record of
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  Speaker 1: relational give and take. There's a sort of a balance.
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  Speaker 1: When the debts are unpaid, we grow distant. But there's
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  Speaker 1: a Phrasen Bible that John Piper claims has the sheer
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  Speaker 1: power to heal broken friendships and even to save countless
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  Speaker 1: hurting marriages. The catch it requires doing something that goes
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  Speaker 1: against every natural self protective instinct we have inside of us.
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  Speaker 1: Today on ask pastor John how to save a marriage
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  Speaker 1: that's in just a moment. First, as our fiscal year
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  Speaker 1: resources far and wide, all of it free of charge.
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  Speaker 1: Please consider joining us by giving a monthly or a
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  Speaker 1: one time gift to help offset the cost of free
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  Speaker 1: for thousands just like you. You can go to Desiring Good
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  Speaker 1: org forward slash give, and of course, if you already
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  Speaker 1: support us, thank you very much for making all of
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  Speaker 1: this possible. All Right, today, I asked Pastor John how
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  Speaker 1: to save a marriage. I'm referring to a tweet from
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  Speaker 1: Pastor John back in twenty eighteen. Just grab my attention
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  Speaker 1: and I I've thought about it a lot over the years.
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  Speaker 1: Here's what he wrote on Twitter. How many marriages could
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  Speaker 1: be saved, broken friendships, reconciled, families held together if we
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  Speaker 1: all looked not only to our own interests but also
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  Speaker 1: to the interests of others. Of course, the verses he
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  Speaker 1: has in month Here's Flippians two. Verses three and four
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  Speaker 1: do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in huge humility,
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  Speaker 1: count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you
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  Speaker 1: look not only to his own interests, but also to
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  Speaker 1: the interests of others, the interests of others. That's the
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  Speaker 1: key phrase. Those four words can save a marriage, heal
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  Speaker 1: a broken friendship, hold together a family and his wife.
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  Speaker 1: Verse four is also for Piper. Quote he said this,
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  Speaker 1: I think my most recurrent prayer for myself. End quote.
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  Speaker 1: Verse four is perhaps the most reoccurring prayer Pastor John
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  Speaker 1: praise for himself. That admission came a decade before the
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  Speaker 1: twenty eighteen tweet, in a two thousand and eight sermon
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  Speaker 1: called the Mind of Christ. It's an extraordinary sermon on
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  Speaker 1: Filippians two four, and today I want to share a
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  Speaker 1: couple of clips from that sermon, if for no other
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  Speaker 1: reason that it preaches to my own soul, because I
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  Speaker 1: don't do Philippians two four. While I want this to
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  Speaker 1: become a main prayer I pray for myself and something
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  Speaker 1: that I actually do better in my life. Here's Pastor John.
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  Speaker 2: My main prayer for myself. I think my most recurrent
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  Speaker 2: prayer for myself has been verse four, that God would
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  Speaker 2: do such a deep work in me that I would
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  Speaker 2: not only look to my own interests, but also to
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  Speaker 2: the interests of others.
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  Speaker 3: I just want to be less selfish.
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  Speaker 2: I want to be more other oriented. I want that
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  Speaker 2: to be a more default posture for me. I don't
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  Speaker 2: want to have to work at it as hard. I
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  Speaker 2: would like it to grow up in me because I
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  Speaker 2: think if if we as a church could become verse four.
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  Speaker 3: I just think we'd be so wise. God loves to
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  Speaker 3: bestow wisdom.
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  Speaker 2: About how to live when verse four is happening in
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  Speaker 2: a church.
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  Speaker 3: Let's read it.
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  Speaker 2: Let each of you look not only to his own interest,
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  Speaker 2: but also to the interests of others. Now, the word
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  Speaker 2: interest there is a filler. It's not there in the original.
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  Speaker 2: It's just a filler, just your own and the others.
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  Speaker 2: So it could be this paraphrase. Let each of you
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  Speaker 2: look not only to his own financial affairs, your own property,
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  Speaker 2: your own family, your own health, your own reputation, your
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  Speaker 2: own education, your own success, your own happiness. Don't just
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  Speaker 2: think about that. Don't just have feelings and desires about that.
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  Speaker 2: Don't just strategize about improving that. Also take thought, look
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  Speaker 2: to spy out go after, be interested in the financial affairs,
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  Speaker 2: the property, the family, the health, the reputation, the education,
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  Speaker 2: the success, and the happiness of other people, like your
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  Speaker 2: wife or husband, or kids, or neighbor.
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  Speaker 3: Person you walk by on the street.
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  Speaker 2: He's asking for the impossible, For selfish, depraved human beings
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  Speaker 2: who expect to be served and be treated well, and
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  Speaker 2: are not by nature outgoing to serve others and to
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  Speaker 2: take interest in others. We're not like that. It takes
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  Speaker 2: a miracle for that to happen to a human being.
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  Speaker 2: That's what Christianity does to a person.
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  Speaker 3: So I Christ died for us. As we'll see. If
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  Speaker 3: you're watching television.
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  Speaker 2: And your child says, would you play with me? Don't
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  Speaker 2: just think about how tired you are. That's thinking of
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  Speaker 2: your own interests.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, you're tired.
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  Speaker 2: Think about that, and then think about the other's interests.
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  Speaker 2: And by an act of gospel fashioned christ.
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  Speaker 3: Exalting, will if you have to.
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  Speaker 2: With the child's interests before the pleasures of your relaxation.
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  Speaker 2: The key, it seems, to this kind of behavior is
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  Speaker 2: verse three.
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  Speaker 3: At least part of the key.
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  Speaker 2: Do nothing from rivalry or conceit. But here comes in humility.
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  Speaker 2: Count others more significant than yourselves. The old King James
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  Speaker 2: translates the second half of that verse. Each esteem the
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  Speaker 2: other better than themselves. Now I remember in the ninth
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  Speaker 2: grade thinking that's impossible.
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  Speaker 3: Because my sister Beverly, older than.
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  Speaker 2: I could read it felt like ten times faster than
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  Speaker 2: I could.
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  Speaker 3: Probably she could.
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  Speaker 2: She took one Bobbsey Twins novel and read the whole
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  Speaker 2: thing in an.
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  Speaker 3: Evening, one hundred and fifty pages.
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  Speaker 2: I just so clearly she could not count me a
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  Speaker 2: better reader.
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  Speaker 3: Like the Bible says she should.
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  Speaker 2: Count others better than yourselves. However, I got good grades
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  Speaker 2: in algebra and Beverly really struggled, so there was no
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  Speaker 2: way I could count her.
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  Speaker 3: Better than me in algebra. So that's so much for
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  Speaker 3: my ninth grade exegesis. I missed the point.
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  Speaker 2: What's wrong with that kind of I just missed it
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  Speaker 2: wrong with the way I was thinking about verse three,
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  Speaker 2: second half of the verse.
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  Speaker 3: The point was not what others are. The point was
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  Speaker 3: what you count them to be.
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  Speaker 2: And the focus is not on how they read or
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  Speaker 2: do math or any other trait.
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  Speaker 4: The focus is will you count them worthy of your service,
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  Speaker 4: worthy of dying for, worthy of going down and lifting
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  Speaker 4: them up, worthy of taking interest in their affairs?
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  Speaker 3: Will you count them that? Whether they're that or not.
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  Speaker 3: That was the point.
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  Speaker 2: Count others count others a certain way.
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  Speaker 3: So would I.
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  Speaker 2: Encourage her and take time to help her and stop
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  Speaker 2: shooting buckets in the driveway? It says in verse three, inhumility,
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  Speaker 2: count others more significant than yourselves, worthy of your attention,
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  Speaker 2: your service.
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  Speaker 3: That we're humility there.
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  Speaker 2: Loneliness is the great opposite of a sense of entitlement.
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  Speaker 2: My definition of humility use that one. It's the opposite
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  Speaker 2: of a sense of entitlement. So do you walk through
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  Speaker 2: life mainly feeling you owe me? You owe me a
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  Speaker 2: certain look when I walk by you on the street,
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  Speaker 2: You owe me a certain behavior in the neighborhood.
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  Speaker 3: You owe me that newspaper before six point thirty. You
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  Speaker 3: owe me, and I get mad when you don't pay.
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  Speaker 3: Is that your basic orientation? If it's not, If is
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  Speaker 3: you're not humble and I'm not humble. You need to
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  Speaker 3: pray for your pastors. Who in the world can be
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  Speaker 3: like that?
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  Speaker 1: Well, Christians, Yeah, a miracle. Paul is asking for the impossible,
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  Speaker 1: for selfish, depraved human beings who expect to be served
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  Speaker 1: and to be treated well, and are not by nature
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  Speaker 1: outgoing to serve others and to take interest in others.
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  Speaker 1: We're not like that end quote. No, we are not
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  Speaker 1: like that. But we must become this. How how do
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  Speaker 1: we do this? Here's how Pastor dun stated this in
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  Speaker 1: his book Providence. Towards the end of the book his
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  Speaker 1: big thick book on Providence. Quote, love cannot flourish where
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  Speaker 1: fear or greed consumes the heart with self protecting or
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  Speaker 1: self enhancing passions. The heart must be set free from
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  Speaker 1: self focus for the sake of focusing on others Philippines
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  Speaker 1: two four. Something must break this double power fearing loss
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  Speaker 1: and craving gain. What breaks this power is the unshakable
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  Speaker 1: certainty of hope, warranted by the unstoppable blood bought omnipotence
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  Speaker 1: of merciful providence. Wow, that's a mouthful. The kind of
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  Speaker 1: love that Paul's calling for is impossible apart from the cross.
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  Speaker 1: Apart from the cross is impossible. That's the point. And
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  Speaker 1: this is where we must go. And that's exactly where
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  Speaker 1: Paul goes and Phlippians two, looking out for the interests
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  Speaker 1: of others. He immediately roots this in Philippians two, verses
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  Speaker 1: five to eight, which gloriously explains how Christ did this
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  Speaker 1: exact thing for us. Have this mind among you, he says,
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  Speaker 1: which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was
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  Speaker 1: in the form of God, did not count equality with
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  Speaker 1: God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself by
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  Speaker 1: taking the form of a servant. Being born in the
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  Speaker 1: likeness of men and being found in human form, he
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  Speaker 1: humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
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  Speaker 1: even death on a cross. So who in the world
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  Speaker 1: can live out Fhlippins two four and look out for
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  Speaker 1: the interests of others only Christians, following the pattern of
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  Speaker 1: their redeemer and Philippians two verses five to eight. And
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  Speaker 1: this is exactly why Piper mentioned reading in Math earlier.
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  Speaker 1: Those proficiencies being superior in certain things is why you
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  Speaker 1: look out for others interests who are inferior. That's what
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  Speaker 1: Christ proves to us in this very text in Phlippins too,
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  Speaker 1: he is superior to us, and yet he took up
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  Speaker 1: our interests, and so the cross shatters entitlement. It just
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  Speaker 1: destroys that Ledger book. Here again, it's Piper in the
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  Speaker 1: two thousand and eight sermon.
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  Speaker 2: When he owed you nothing but hell, He went to
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  Speaker 2: hell for you. Until you're stunned by that, you will have.
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  Speaker 3: A sense of entitlement.
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  Speaker 2: You will walk through life and your basic orientation will
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  Speaker 2: be you owe me.
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  Speaker 3: But as soon as it lands on you with stunning
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  Speaker 3: force that you were owed hell.
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  Speaker 2: And you've got heaven at the cost of the life
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  Speaker 2: of the Son of God, so much for your sense
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  Speaker 2: of entitlement.
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  Speaker 1: It's over.
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  Speaker 3: Humility happens. It's a battle.
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  Speaker 2: We have to preach it to ourselves, what to preach
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  Speaker 2: the Gospel to ourselves every day.
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  Speaker 3: That's where it comes from. That's where verse four comes from.
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  Speaker 2: In humility, view people a certain way, namely, not as
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  Speaker 2: those who owe you, but ones that.
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  Speaker 3: You owe service to.
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  Speaker 2: Verse four drawing it out, So don't just take interest
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  Speaker 2: in your own life, take interest in others, because that's
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  Speaker 2: the way you are in Christ. Let this mind, Let
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  Speaker 2: this mind be in you, which you have in Christ.
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  Speaker 2: That's the culture. Would not that be a beautiful culture?
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  Speaker 2: Couldn't that be beautiful?
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  Speaker 3: In a marriage? Wouldn't that be beautiful? In parenting? Wouldn't
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  Speaker 3: that be beautiful? In a church.
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  Speaker 2: With lots of diversity ethnically, age, marital status, socioeconomic, wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: that be beautiful?
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  Speaker 3: Would it's a beautiful fact? The church broken and bruised.
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  Speaker 3: Let us move toward this beauty.
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  Speaker 1: Wow, as Christ centered and beautiful. Amen. So Piper can
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  Speaker 1: say my main prayer for myself. I think my most
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  Speaker 1: recurrent prayer for myself has been verse four. This text
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  Speaker 1: is one of the most convicting, one of the most beautiful,
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  Speaker 1: and one of the most transforming texts in the Bible. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: so useful and just on this podcast Filippin's two four
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  Speaker 1: explains why adult children care for their elderly parents. That
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  Speaker 1: was Apga ten seventy eight. It's what protects those suffering
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  Speaker 1: with chronic pain from living a life centered on their
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  Speaker 1: own chronic pain. That was Apja five forty eight. That's
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  Speaker 1: why we conserve people who are superior or inferior to
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  Speaker 1: us in Apga eleven fifty four. As how the gospel
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  Speaker 1: rightly understood protects leaders from mistreating and abusing those who
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  Speaker 1: are under their charge in Apja seventeen thirty five. And
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  Speaker 1: it's why men put their phones away at the dinner
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  Speaker 1: table with their wives that was Apja six thirty three.
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  Speaker 1: To say it again, how many marriages could be saved, broken,
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  Speaker 1: friendships reconciled, families held together if we all looked not
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  Speaker 1: only to our own interests, but also to the interests
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  Speaker 1: of others. All possible. In Christ, and the one who
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  Speaker 1: didn't begin his dissent from a position of weakness, the
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  Speaker 1: one who had every legitimate entitlement in the universe, who
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  Speaker 1: had the right to hold on to his dignity and
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  Speaker 1: to ignore our need, and who chose not to, he
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  Speaker 1: emptied himself. He came all the way down, taking the
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  Speaker 1: form of a servant to die the most disgusting death
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  Speaker 1: imaginable for us. He could not have gone any lower
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  Speaker 1: to look out for my interests or your interests. He
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  Speaker 1: went as low as possible. Such grace can save a
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  Speaker 1: broken marriage. Thanks for joining us today and in considering
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  Speaker 1: the needs of others. Thank you for considering joining us
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: by giving monthly or a one time gift to help
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: offset the cost of free for thousands. Just like you,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: go to Desiring Good dot org forward slash give. That's
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: desiring God dot org forward slash give. We're back to
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: looking at Christ's ultimate sacrifice in the Cross and why
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: we so desperately need it. Because on Monday we hear
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  Speaker 1: from a teenager whose friend was murdered. Heavy looking at
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  Speaker 1: God's purposes, sovereignty and a murdered friend. I's up the
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  Speaker 1: next time on Monday, Pastor John, and I will see
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  Speaker 1: you then