Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 159: Why Drama-Seekers Are Obsessed with You (and How to Finally Stop the Cycle)

Transcript

159: Why Drama-Seekers Are Obsessed with You (and How to Finally Stop the Cycle) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:22
  I'm the life coach for the helpers, the healers, and the people pleasers.
• 0:25
  And today we're going to be talking about something that might be hitting a little bit close to home for you, especially if you are someone who wants peace.
• 0:33
  You are a peace seeker.
• 0:35
  And you really want there to be zero conflict.
• 0:37
  You're very uncomfortable around conflict, and yet you may find yourself in relationship with people that seem to seek it out.
• 0:44
  Okay, so today we're gonna be talking about the drama seekers and the tension seekers where it seems like they are just magnetically drawn to chaos and they create it wherever they go.
• 0:55
  We're gonna talk about not only.
• 0:57
  Kind of who they are, but also why they wanna be in relationship with you.
• 1:01
  And also, I'm gonna share some tips towards the end about how to protect yourself against these personalities that just wanna stir up trouble.
• 1:08
  So first, let's talk about who the tension seekers really are.
• 1:12
  These are the people that really like to stir the pot.
• 1:14
  So they might gossip and triangulate, they might nitpick and criticize, and they just generally feed off of conflict.
• 1:22
  And they may even try to justify their behaviors by saying things like, well, I'm just being honest.
• 1:27
  But their form of honesty, it rarely feels kind, productive, or supportive.
• 1:33
  And maybe they're always stirring things up within your friend group, within your family at the workplace.
• 1:37
  They're kind of everywhere.
• 1:39
  Okay.
• 1:39
  So notice where it might be showing up for you.
• 1:41
  And they might even be saying things like, well.
• 1:44
  I don't think that they like you.
• 1:45
  Did you see how they just looked at you?
• 1:47
  And when you question, okay, why are you telling me this?
• 1:50
  That doesn't seem very nice.
• 1:51
  Then they might even tell you something like, well, I am just looking out for you.
• 1:55
  They're trying to be the good guy, but they're creating a lot of unnecessary drama.
• 2:00
  Or maybe there's somebody that is constantly making a really big deal out of little things.
• 2:06
  They're hypercritical about how you dress, how you eat, how you decorate your home, anything really, even though there's no right or wrong way to do those things, and they constantly assert their opinions as if they're universal truths.
• 2:18
  And while they may be loudly claiming to hate drama, you may start to notice that they're almost always the center of it.
• 2:27
  So at first they might come across as just being misunderstood.
• 2:30
  They might even tell you, well, people are always misunderstanding me.
• 2:33
  They're always questioning my motives, but I have such a good heart.
• 2:36
  You are the only one who gets me.
• 2:39
  But despite that, something still feels off to you.
• 2:42
  So when something inside of you says that something is off, listen, proceed with caution and course correct as needed because you might be in relationship with a tension seeker.
• 2:53
  Okay?
• 2:54
  I get it, that we wanna look for the best in everybody, but not everybody has the best of intentions.
• 2:59
  The truth is that highly empathetic people.
• 3:01
  they seek out harmony and emotional safety, not just for themselves, but for others as well.
• 3:06
  Tension seekers on the other hand, then they crave the stimulation that comes through emotional chaos.
• 3:13
  In many cases, they're deeply disconnected from their own inner peace, and so what they're trying to do is destabilize other people in an attempt to feel more control of themselves or to increase their own self-worth by fabricating situations where now they're going to be needed to fix the problem because they were the only one that saw it.
• 3:31
  But also it was something that they completely made up, so they aren't seeking peace, they're actually seeking emotional turbulence.
• 3:38
  So why are tension seekers drawn to empathetic people?
• 3:41
  Um, number one, empathetic people are super awesome.
• 3:44
  Who wouldn't be drawn to you, right?
• 3:46
  You're so soothing.
• 3:47
  You validate other people.
• 3:49
  Your mere presence is emotionally stabilizing.
• 3:53
  Empathetic people often do the emotional heavy lifting in relationships, and that makes everybody that they come into contact with.
• 3:59
  All of their lives are made better simply because you're in it.
• 4:02
  You just make everything feel a little bit easier.
• 4:04
  They feel more seen, more understood.
• 4:05
  Life just goes better when you are around.
• 4:07
  Tension seekers on the other hand, then they're often emotionally underdeveloped.
• 4:11
  And guess what?
• 4:13
  Because they're emotionally underdeveloped, they absolutely love what it is that you bring to the table.
• 4:17
  They gain a lot of benefits from simply being in relationship with you.
• 4:22
  And so why would they learn how to self-regulate when they have somebody like you who is around to do that work for them?
• 4:29
  Empathetic people, especially those who lean into the people pleasing behaviors.
• 4:33
  They tend to prioritize other people's comfort over their own, making them highly accommodating of other people, which essentially means that they make an ideal partner for somebody who doesn't want to do their own inner work.
• 4:44
  Whether this be a romantic relationship in a business relationship or a friendship, the tension seekers are subconsciously drawn to what Tony Overbay calls the pathologically kind.
• 4:55
  You are the calm in the storm.
• 4:58
  And they like to bring a little storm along just to keep that cycle alive of you jumping in and rescuing and fixing the problem, right?
• 5:05
  And so this dynamic often turns into a people pleasing loop.
• 5:09
  They stir up the drama, and then you work hard to calm everybody down, and you do this again, and again and again.
• 5:15
  And in the beginning you might even tell yourself, oh, they just really need some help right now.
• 5:19
  Or, I'm the only one who can help them right now.
• 5:21
  They just need me.
• 5:23
  But over time, then you might begin to see that they have no intention of changing because what they're currently doing is working for them.
• 5:31
  Okay?
• 5:32
  They love how things are working.
• 5:33
  It's not working for you, but it is working for them.
• 5:37
  And you are the one who's becoming more and more drained, trying to change things, whereas they absolutely love that cycle.
• 5:44
  So if this pattern sounds familiar to you, here are three powerful truths that I want you to hold close as you navigate these relationships.
• 5:50
  First, set boundaries around your peace.
• 5:54
  Your peace is sacred, so do what is needed to maintain it.
• 5:58
  Remember that a boundary isn't about controlling someone else's.
• 6:01
  Behavior.
• 6:02
  It's not, you can't do this to me, but instead, it's more of an if then statement.
• 6:07
  It's if you choose to do this, then this is how I will choose to respond.
• 6:11
  So I will post in the show notes a few different episodes.
• 6:14
  I know I've done several episodes on boundary setting, so I'll post those in the show notes if you wanna go and learn about those in a little bit more depth.
• 6:20
  but as a reminder, boundaries can be spoken or unspoken.
• 6:24
  They can be verbal or energetic, and that means that you might choose to state these boundaries out loud, or you might just choose to decide what your boundaries are, and then follow through with your action and let your action do the talking here.
• 6:37
  And so I'm gonna share a few examples about what boundaries can look like.
• 6:40
  And again, maybe these are things that you want to say out loud, or maybe these are ways that you just course correct your actions and let your actions do the talking.
• 6:48
  So here's a few ideas of boundaries.
• 6:50
  If you continue to talk badly about our coworkers at lunch, I'm gonna be eating somewhere else.
• 6:55
  If you continue to be critical of me, I won't be spending time with you.
• 7:00
  If you continue to spread false information, I won't be speaking with you.
• 7:04
  Now, notice each of those were an if then statement, and the other times maybe you just want to state a fact.
• 7:10
  Okay.
• 7:11
  That can also be very, very helpful in these relationships.
• 7:14
  So for example, maybe you just firmly declare that, yeah, I choose to decorate my home with things that I love.
• 7:21
  Okay.
• 7:22
  Another statement might be, my clothes are my own.
• 7:25
  You don't need to wear them and you don't need to comment on them.
• 7:28
  Or maybe you wanna say, if somebody has a problem with me, they can come to me.
• 7:32
  I don't need you to interfere.
• 7:34
  Those would be very clear statements that are also stating a boundary.
• 7:38
  Okay?
• 7:39
  And all of them are loving, clear ways to protect your own peace.
• 7:44
  All right, tip number two.
• 7:45
  It is not your job to fix it for other people.
• 7:48
  You didn't cause the chaos they did.
• 7:51
  So let them be the ones to sit with the discomfort that they have created, and I totally get it.
• 7:57
  I know it could be so uncomfortable to watch this play out, especially because you have learned to be very highly accommodating of other people and very sensitive to other people's emotions.
• 8:06
  It can be so uncomfortable to watch these things play out and not do anything.
• 8:12
  I totally get it.
• 8:13
  And that's probably why you have stepped in time and time again to smooth things over is because you want to preserve not only your own discomfort, but the discomfort of other people.
• 8:22
  Right?
• 8:23
  But actions speak louder than words.
• 8:26
  Not every conversation is worth having, and not every conflict is yours to fix.
• 8:30
  So maybe your new boundary moving forward is this: no more damage control.
• 8:35
  If their choices create tension at work, at home, or within our friend group, then they get to experience the consequences of that.
• 8:43
  And honestly, sometimes that's the most loving thing that you can do because sometimes experiencing the full weight of natural consequences is the fastest way to experience personal growth.
• 8:54
  If they're willing to change, if they have a heart that's open to change, that's what's gonna create change the fastest.
• 8:59
  So remember that they created the tension.
• 9:02
  They can learn how to resolve it.
• 9:04
  It's not your job.
• 9:05
  Okay?
• 9:06
  And sometimes we might be doing them a disservice by continuing to placate, continuing to fix, continuing to be the one to bring in the peace after they've brought in the storm.
• 9:15
  Sometimes just letting that storm blow over can be the most helpful thing.
• 9:19
  And third, don't dim your light just because it attracts drama.
• 9:23
  Your joy, your peace, and your light, they're magnetic and they are amazing.
• 9:28
  And while yes, that magnetism might sometimes draw in a few tension seekers, it's also drawing in a whole world of absolutely amazing people.
• 9:37
  I mean, come on.
• 9:38
  That's how I found all of you.
• 9:39
  You guys are amazing.
• 9:40
  I just love you so much.
• 9:42
  So sometimes when we're wrapped up in managing the chaos created by others, we forget to look around at the other kind of people that we've attracted, the people who are kind, compassionate, accountable...
• 9:53
  the people who are deeply aware of how their actions impact others, the people who are also seeking peace.
• 10:00
  In other words, the people just like you.
• 10:04
  Just because tension seekers are drawn to your light, it doesn't mean that you need to shrink yourself to keep the peace.
• 10:09
  That's the tendency of a lot of people that I work with is they think, these qualities must be bad because they brought in the wrong people, but these qualities that they're drawn to, your empathy, your forgiveness, your patience, your integrity, they're beautiful gifts, and they shouldn't be shut down.
• 10:24
  Instead, just protect them by putting boundaries into place that honor those qualities and allow those qualities to really flourish.
• 10:32
  They've maybe been judged or shamed in the past, but protect them because they're the beautiful parts of you.
• 10:38
  So keep being you.
• 10:40
  Your positive impact is greater than you know.
• 10:44
  So to close out, I just wanna kind of normalize this experience for you.
• 10:47
  You're probably gonna have some people drawn to you that aren't the healthiest, and that's okay.
• 10:52
  That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, okay?
• 10:55
  If you have had a lot of tension seekers in your life, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you.
• 11:00
  It means that your light is powerful.
• 11:02
  You have every right to peace, to boundaries, to wholeness.
• 11:06
  So please don't forfeit your own peace in an attempt to create it for other people who are addicted to drama.
• 11:12
  Just take a little minute.
• 11:13
  You can even do it right now.
• 11:14
  Put your hand on your heart and just ask yourself, okay, where might I be accommodating someone else's chaos and an effort to keep the peace?
• 11:22
  And where can I lovingly reclaim my space and my peace as an act of self-love?
• 11:28
  Now if this episode has resonated with you, I would be so grateful if you left a review.
• 11:32
  It really does help out more than you know.
• 11:34
  And if somebody in your life needs this message, go ahead and share it with them.
• 11:38
  If you are ready to shift these dynamics and reclaim your peace, I would love to support you.
• 11:44
  My six week coaching packages are designed for empathetic people like you who are ready to reclaim their power, free of fear, obligation, and guilt.
• 11:53
  Again, you can just check out the show notes to find the link to come and work with me.
• 11:56
  I would love to work with you.
• 11:58
  I think that you'll be very impressed at everything that you can accomplish in just six weeks together.
• 12:03
  So don't forget to subscribe here on the podcast and also come and follow me on social media.
• 12:07
  I am on TikTok, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, so come and follow me there.
• 12:11
  I'm offering support for you on your own inner work.
• 12:15
  You do deserve peace and you don't need to earn it by fixing other people first.
• 12:20
  All right?
• 12:20
  I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
• 12:22
  Bye now.