Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / How to Stop People Pleasing and Honor Your Needs

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How to Stop People Pleasing and Honor Your Needs · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visation and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so for those of us who are people pleasers, this one's for you because I want to talk about how we go from people pleasing to self-leadership.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Many of us have spent most of our life people pleasing, and often it stems from the desire to keep peace or avoid rejection.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And really what it does is it leaves us disconnected with ourselves.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so we have to remember that people pleasing is not a permanent state.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's a behavior that is learned.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And because of that, it is also something that you can unlearn.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, at the expense of trying to trivialize this because it's not trivial, this is something that does take time.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: As a people pleaser myself, I still work on it.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: But it is important for us to start talking about it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to just to share with you, you know, from my own perspective, I definitely, as I said, I'm still working on those people pleasing moments, but it is important, it was important for me to not only own my people-pleasing behaviors, but to then start taking steps towards how can I move into self-leadership?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: How can I start to presence myself in the relationships that I have?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: And really what it was was taking time to recognize where my people-pleasing behaviors were rooted.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Often for many people, they are rooted in, like I mentioned, that fear of rejection or that fear of um not being accepted.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that was definitely my truth.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, as I grew up, and and those of you who've known me and have followed my story, I definitely was searching for acceptance and belonging because I mean, I looked different and I had a different name than most of the kids that I grew up around.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so for me, if there was this idea of the way to fit in was to make sure people were okay with me.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so the important thing that I had to learn was that people pleasing doesn't make me more lovable.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: It actually, in essence, makes made me more invisible because I actually wasn't showing up in any of the relationships.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was, I was making it all about the other person.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: No one actually knew what I needed or what I really wanted.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: They they knew that I was willing to do whatever it was for them, but they didn't know what comedy actually wanted or needed.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: So just ask yourself a couple questions.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Do you ever say yes to requests even when you're overwhelmed or you don't want to do something?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs, even if it means you're suppressing your own needs.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you feel responsible for someone else's happiness?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel really awful and like you have to fix it if somebody is is upset, sad, or disappointed?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you struggle with setting boundaries because you're afraid of being seen as difficult, or you are afraid of being seen as mean or unkind?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Constantly seeking what do you constantly seek uh validation that you're a good person?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so you you end up doing things to prove that you're a good person.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: All of those behaviors can absolutely feel like second nature, but really they are coming at a cost of your own time, your own energy, and they can leave you feeling like you're living for someone else or you're living someone else's life.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Awareness of that is your very first step because you have to notice when you're saying yes out of obligation versus your true desire.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: That reflection of it own of on its own can be extraordinarily powerful because that's the invitation to start shifting.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's the invitation to say, wow, you know, I keep saying yes to things that I don't want to.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's your invitation to step into self-leadership.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: So how do we do that?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: How do we go from this people pleaser mentality mode behavior into self-leadership?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it self-leadership is not about becoming selfish and totally disregarding others, because the truth is we should, we as human beings and part of the human race, we should care about others.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: But there's a difference between caring about others and overfunctioning for others.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: So take time to reflect what truly matters to you.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: What do you stand for?
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  SPEAKER_01: What do you need?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: What is it that you want in your life?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And remember that when you say no to something, it's not you being selfish, it's an act of your own self-respect.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: So we have to practice setting boundaries.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: That is an absolute must when we're talking about self-leadership.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: So start by saying a small no to something that feels like a should instead of a genuine yes.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe it's a small no that doesn't feel really scary.
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  SPEAKER_01: So when someone asks you for maybe for you to do something that you know, you know, that you were or at least pause before you say yes, right?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: But then ask yourself, can I fit this into my schedule?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And if the answer is, well, I can if I do this, this, and this, that's probably telling you that you don't have the capacity.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so just give yourself permission to say no and start there.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Also, many of us people pleasers struggle to express our needs.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: We really, when somebody asks us a very simple question, like, you know, what do we want for dinner?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: We say, I don't know, what do you want?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so practice saying what it is that you want.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you really have a need or you have a desire, just practice expressing it with people and start with people that you do feel that are your safe people.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Also, people pleasing often stems from that belief that I'm only worthy if I'm helpful or I'm only worthy if I give to somebody else.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: And also there's this belief that if I say no, I'm gonna be rejected.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: So start noticing those thoughts.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Notice when that comes up and just ask yourself, is this true?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And is there a possible other truth?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, is it really true that they're gonna hate me if I say no?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: They might be disappointed, they might be upset, but does that mean that they're now gonna completely reject me?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Self-leadership, remember, is a long journey.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's a it's not, you know, one simple destination.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's about learning and growing and evolving and continuing to take steps to get there.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: So at the end of each day, ask yourself, how did I honor myself today?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: How did I recognize myself?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: What step, what did I do today that allowed me to honor my own needs?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: People pleasing might feel like the safe choice.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: I want to just offer that.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: That it feels like, well, I'm avoiding conflict and you know, it'll keep us closer together.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to say that in the moment, that short term, you're right, it does.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: People, everybody seems happy and you feel connected.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: But over the long term, it actually detracts from that connectedness.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're not actually in full authentic connection with the other person.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, as you're thinking about this, you know, and that thought comes up of like, I can't say no because it just will cause too much conflict.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, this and that and this will happen.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I've had the same thoughts.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's just so much easier to say yes.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Really challenge yourself to say, okay, if I say yes here and I don't set a boundary, what's the long-term cost of that?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: If people pleasing is something that you have been struggling with and want to just talk through and understand how coaching could be helpful to maybe break that habit for yourself, feel free to book a time with me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Username It's Authentic Me.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.