Latest / MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose / Episode 107 Ken Wilgus on Texas Floods and Anxious Kids

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Episode 107 Ken Wilgus on Texas Floods and Anxious Kids · MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose

0:05
[SPEAKER_01]: This is Cynthia Ganoff and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.
0:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey friends, welcome to the podcast.
0:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm glad you're here.
0:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Heck, I'm glad I'm here.
0:20
[SPEAKER_01]: My goodness.
0:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Talk about a girl who has not been able to get the podcast out in a regular manner this summer.
0:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've been a podcast for a long time and I've never had this issue.
0:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's crazy over here.
0:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure it's crazy where you are too.
0:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We just got back from ANM.
0:35
[SPEAKER_01]: orientation that's where Brett will be going to college next year and we're getting him ready for that and I'm keeping it together pretty well you guys I'm pretty proud of myself and then as you know Kate graduated from the University of Texas and she's taking a gap year before law school so we're getting her situated and moved in Austin and my little bit my little guy he is
0:54
[SPEAKER_00]: doing all the kid things and tutoring.
0:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's just been one of those summers.
0:57
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been a good one, but crazy.
0:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm thankful that you were putting up with me.
1:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for you guys that that really was odd how I just said that.
1:06
[SPEAKER_00]: But thank you to you guys who reached out.
1:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gotten many DMs from people asking for okay over here.
1:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And we are okay.
1:13
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a little crazy.
1:14
[SPEAKER_00]: So thank you for that.
1:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate that you've missed me.
1:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And those of you that didn't know I'm not releasing regularly.
1:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Well,
1:20
[SPEAKER_00]: It's fine.
1:20
[SPEAKER_00]: We're all fine people.
1:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to answer one other question.
1:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gotten lots of DMs people asking where I will be speaking in the fall on the spring or if I have a availability to speak.
1:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I wanted to let you know, yes, I will be posting on my social, the places I'm speaking in the fall and I have a few in August, September.
1:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I think October.
1:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So Dallas area.
1:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I will be in Memphis at some point.
1:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's actually early next year.
1:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Probably will be in college station.
1:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll be in Houston.
1:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And so lots of different opportunities.
1:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And I will post that on social.
1:50
[SPEAKER_01]: But I also wanted to say that I have a few open spots in the fall.
1:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And then twenty twenty six.
1:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm booking.
1:56
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you work for church or you are involved in a church, which I hope that you are.
2:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And they have events coming up.
2:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love to be.
2:04
[SPEAKER_01]: considered for your next speaking event, especially with a new book coming out next year.
2:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love to be able to share that message and talk to your groups about that.
2:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So keep me in mind, go to Cynthia Yanoff.com and you can fill out information there, shoot me an email, we can chat about it, would love to be considered to speak to your group.
2:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
2:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Friends, it has been a hard month in Texas.
2:28
[SPEAKER_01]: If you live in Texas, you know that, if you don't live in Texas, you know that too.
2:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, the flooding and all the loss of life in curvil and it's just been, yeah, it's been so heavy and so heavy on all of our hearts and also just with our kids and
2:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was thinking about this as what dinner is some friends and we were talking just about how hard it is.
2:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was going to interview Dr. Wilgus today.
2:50
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been set up for a while.
2:52
[SPEAKER_00]: If you don't know, Ken Wilgus, he's a psychologist, author, speaker, just incredible resource.
2:57
[SPEAKER_00]: He has a podcast called, feeding the mouth that bites you, which is also based on his book, feeding the mouth that bites you, all linked in the podcast notes.
3:05
[SPEAKER_00]: It's also just a good friend.
3:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And so we were gonna talk about a bunch of other stuff today and it just felt like, no, let's talk about the hard we've been facing and hearing about the news and the loss and just how do we, how do we deal with that in our own lives and how do we help our kids through that?
3:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I love that we get to have just a brief conversation on that and then also we're gonna talk a little bit about anxiety and general and that whole notion that our kids are the anxious generation and our anxious parents.
3:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Thankful to have him here as a resource, so friends.
3:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for being here.
3:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for being patient with me.
3:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm back, and we are going to be more regularly scheduled with awesome podcasts coming your way.
3:47
[SPEAKER_00]: We've got some great guest schedules.
3:49
[SPEAKER_00]: So, glad you're here.
3:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Here we go.
3:51
[SPEAKER_00]: We kick it off with Dr. Kim Wilgus.
3:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Dr. Kim, you're back.
3:58
[SPEAKER_03]: Cynthia, everyone's best friend.
4:01
[SPEAKER_03]: That's what we called you on my show.
4:03
[SPEAKER_03]: You're new best friend.
4:05
[SPEAKER_01]: You're new best friend.
4:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Did you lose, listen, or ship after that?
4:08
[SPEAKER_03]: We got a lot of, yeah, we got some feedback about no.
4:12
[SPEAKER_01]: We got some feedback.
4:14
[SPEAKER_03]: She's not like, who is that?
4:16
[SPEAKER_03]: No, we did not.
4:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, your podcast is awesome.
4:19
[SPEAKER_01]: In fact, we were just behind the scenes everybody.
4:22
[SPEAKER_01]: We were just sitting chatting about his podcast and it does really well.
4:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And y'all need to be listening because I feel like you just cover all the topics are wondering about.
4:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's feeding them mouth that bites you.
4:33
[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.
4:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And I had to think of every time I said it wrong.
4:37
[SPEAKER_03]: People get it wrong.
4:38
[SPEAKER_03]: Someone said it sounds like a cookbook.
4:40
[SPEAKER_01]: and feeding them out that bites you.
4:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But what I love about it, and we were just talking about this, you guys, on his podcast, is it's literally like a library of information.
4:48
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're like, my kid just, whatever, I mean, teenager.
4:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, like teenagers, like my teenagers just looked at porn or whatever.
4:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, okay, let me go listen, and how are we gonna manage this?
4:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And so thank you for that, everyone, I will link it in podcast notes and y'all need to be listening, but I wanna start with this, hard days in Texas right now.
5:09
[SPEAKER_03]: Man, it just breaks my heart.
5:11
[SPEAKER_03]: I just can't look at it.
5:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it was a dinner with some girls last night.
5:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're in Texas and you're listening this at the time we're releasing, you know what I'm talking about, if not, you know, the flooding in Texas and lots of lives were lost in particular a camp, a Christian camp.
5:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Many of us are familiar with in young girls that lost their life.
5:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was with some of my friends last night.
5:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And we were just saying, like, I have to look away at some point.
5:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you go bad about that.
5:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And hearing you say that, you know,
5:42
[SPEAKER_01]: you have to look away I think and I just wonder let's start with this like how how how are you dealing with it and how do you talk how how do we walk through these things because we have all this constant internet and access yet I'm not sure that's a good thing sometimes no that's exactly I think older folks like me you know you get
6:02
[SPEAKER_03]: more experience and so it hurts even more than it used to when I was younger.
6:06
[SPEAKER_03]: So I've got children now, I've got grandchildren and so you can just kind of feel that.
6:10
[SPEAKER_03]: But I was thinking about when I was, you know, a young man you would find out about this from the newspaper.
6:18
[SPEAKER_03]: and television would have for thirty minutes a portion of it that was it you didn't have this what feels like the ability to look in on this tragedy twenty four seven find out details all this stuff that's actually false so in a way what you end up with is these are opportunities to really face
6:42
[SPEAKER_03]: our own smallness and how much we really don't have control over things and how do we face those things.
6:52
[SPEAKER_03]: Those are things to really consider, certainly in your adult life, is how much is really under my control because the things that we continually think about that I must do something.
7:05
[SPEAKER_03]: This involves me.
7:06
[SPEAKER_03]: It just can expand and makes you incredibly anxious.
7:11
[SPEAKER_03]: and kind of an anxiety that feels like this is terrible, I must do something.
7:16
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, you know, for almost all of us, there is nothing for us to go do.
7:22
[SPEAKER_03]: And it can really even worse for Christians feel like, well, what, just pray?
7:26
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
7:26
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, prayer is a real thing that really moves God's heart, but it can feel helpless.
7:32
[SPEAKER_03]: And those are times that I think it's not a bad thing to feel that.
7:37
[SPEAKER_03]: that the reality that I am small here, this has not a lot of not a lot I can do about it.
7:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Has you feel unsybathetic or like a jerk at some point if you're like, right, I have to walk away, but then you have to balance that with the fact that you're saying, I can pray over the situation.
7:56
[SPEAKER_01]: But hands and feet for some of us, there is an actual task to do, but most of us, there is not an act.
8:01
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
8:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And that doesn't make us unsympathetic or unloving or unkind to the situation.
8:07
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
8:07
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
8:08
[SPEAKER_03]: And if I think what you're talking about is almost like, I feel bad if my adrenaline system isn't lit up with some sort of fight or flight.
8:17
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, this isn't at my doorstep.
8:20
[SPEAKER_03]: uh... and this of course is what you're gonna be dealing with with small children if they are struggling with it it's because of that sense of how does this relate to me children feel things as to is this going to happen to me and so part of that is for adults to be wise enough to in their own lives be aware that this is it really goes from being anxious and angry
8:45
[SPEAKER_03]: to just properly sad.
8:47
[SPEAKER_03]: It is a thing to grieve over, but not necessarily for most of us something to jump up and get in our car and do, there's nothing to do.
8:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I like how you just said that because I do feel like sometimes if I'm not in that fight or flight mode, if I'm not in the midst of the angst of it, then I've somehow become callous.
9:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
9:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's, it doesn't have to be that dichotomy.
9:11
[SPEAKER_03]: I can even, I don't know what, you know, I've known among young people, it can be a way of virtue signaling that I am thinking about
9:20
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, the war in Ukraine, you know, well, oh, well, you're, you know, it's almost like I'm bad for not being anxious and worried and fretful all the time.
9:36
[SPEAKER_03]: And that can't be a Christian's approach, that's for sure.
9:39
[SPEAKER_01]: right right so how do we walk our teens through this and listen it's not we all know if you have teenagers or college kids like it's not like oh gosh I should go ahead and tell them in case they hear no they've heard they know true older kids for sure
9:55
[SPEAKER_01]: the older kids know and I'm just wondering because I mean honestly all of us have these moments of like oh my goodness Lord like how do we let this have right and so I I wrestle with that right and but I got to believe my kids are wrestling with that do we step into that space if it's not if we're not invited into it do we not do we ask questions like how do we walk our kids through these type of hard things well there was a time if someone is listening to this now who's living in nineteen fifty
10:24
[SPEAKER_03]: Then there was a time when parents were at risk of doing too little, like ignoring it.
10:30
[SPEAKER_03]: Let's not talk about that.
10:31
[SPEAKER_03]: But I mean, literally, I haven't met a parent like that in decades.
10:36
[SPEAKER_03]: Most every parent listening now is what should I do?
10:40
[SPEAKER_03]: And they wouldn't hear what you don't need to do anything, even if that were true.
10:44
[SPEAKER_03]: But part of it is to think about first of all the age of your child.
10:47
[SPEAKER_03]: If it's a young child,
10:50
[SPEAKER_03]: Then it's certainly fine.
10:51
[SPEAKER_03]: They don't need to know a lot about this.
10:54
[SPEAKER_03]: There's nothing wrong with limiting their contact with these videos and so forth because this doesn't help them.
11:04
[SPEAKER_03]: But number two is that when it is affecting them, you really need to first pay attention to your child.
11:10
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm talking about eight years old and younger-ish.
11:14
[SPEAKER_03]: you will find that there are some children that are really made fearful because of this and they will for the next two weeks every night when we put her to bed she's saying how how do I know it's not we're not gonna be flooded out and you need to walk through them walk with them through that certainly validate that that is scary but here's how we know that we are safe and then wait for that to naturally go away
11:43
[SPEAKER_03]: a few parents will find kids that it didn't go away.
11:47
[SPEAKER_03]: They are temperamentally very anxious.
11:50
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, and my family, long time ago, our barn blew off its foundation into our house and my youngest was really affected by that.
12:03
[SPEAKER_03]: But it took time to recognize it was not.
12:05
[SPEAKER_03]: She wasn't affected because every time there was serious storm
12:10
[SPEAKER_03]: stuff she got nervous she became obsessed with whether all the time which is different that's an anxious that's one of the first times we discovered she has a really anxious kind of obsessive personality that's not the same as fearful after hearing an event that will get better it should be it's fine for it to be frightful but wait and see how that goes and then see if there isn't
12:36
[SPEAKER_03]: And I mean, there's not a lot of them, but a few of your kids will, it will kind of lock into their obsessive nature.
12:44
[SPEAKER_03]: And that can be a little different.
12:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So if they're rumenating and it's on and on and on and on, yeah, then that's the time that like we need to step in and probably get some help.
12:54
[SPEAKER_03]: But not before then, if it's a month from now and she still brings it up, but not like she did before.
13:02
[SPEAKER_03]: all that stuff, then that's fine.
13:04
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, that's because life has things that are in fact very tragic.
13:09
[SPEAKER_03]: It would be creepy if you've had some parental intervention that your kid hears about something like this and they're fine with it.
13:18
[SPEAKER_03]: They shouldn't be fine with it.
13:20
[SPEAKER_01]: So what about like your teenager?
13:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's say, um, again, as I like to say every time I talk to you, I'm just asking for a friend, you know, to cater.
13:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm over here.
13:29
[SPEAKER_03]: No, and anybody has lots of friends.
13:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Lots of friends with problems with problems.
13:33
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
13:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, what about your teenagers in your home?
13:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's just a passing come up or whatever, like,
13:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Would you if you got a teenager at your house right now and you've just watched this whole thing happen and our state that is so difficult?
13:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, do you broach the topic?
13:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you go in and some point and just say, like, listen, this is hard.
13:51
[SPEAKER_03]: I think it's perfectly, it's perfectly fine after thirteen.
13:55
[SPEAKER_03]: Definitely.
13:56
[SPEAKER_03]: It's fine to say, have you heard about this stuff?
13:59
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I wouldn't ask my six-year-old, did you hear about the children?
14:02
[SPEAKER_03]: No.
14:03
[SPEAKER_03]: But a thirteen and older, like you said, they've heard of it.
14:07
[SPEAKER_03]: And yeah, I think with that, which I consider a very young adult, it is appropriate to ask them and to really discuss adult to adult, even without overdoing it, your own concerns about it.
14:20
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, it's really hard for me as a mother to hear this stuff.
14:24
[SPEAKER_03]: Your fourteen-year-old girl, but
14:27
[SPEAKER_03]: Does do you think about it much?
14:28
[SPEAKER_03]: That's fine.
14:29
[SPEAKER_03]: I wouldn't obsess about it with your teenager, but it certainly can be opportunities for teenagers to deal with some of the harder things like what kind of a God allows these things.
14:41
[SPEAKER_03]: That's a totally different thing because they're older.
14:44
[SPEAKER_03]: Here's another thing.
14:45
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm telling you right now, next summer there's going to be a significant percentage down of children going to camp.
14:54
[SPEAKER_03]: camps that have nothing to do with water, you know, but there'll be teenagers or no kids that are fearful.
15:01
[SPEAKER_03]: And what will be hard is for parents to know, when is it appropriate to say, look, I get it that you're fearful, but you must go to camp.
15:09
[SPEAKER_03]: It is not actually a fear and it is good for you to go to camp.
15:13
[SPEAKER_03]: There'll be way too many parents.
15:14
[SPEAKER_03]: I worry that will think well.
15:17
[SPEAKER_03]: If he's fearful, we certainly can't require it.
15:20
[SPEAKER_03]: That's a mistake.
15:22
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, unrealistic fears are made better by X by going ahead and approaching the thing that you fear.
15:30
[SPEAKER_03]: And of course, in this case, it's, you know, I'm guessing that poor curvil camp will be, this is it for them.
15:37
[SPEAKER_03]: But how many that's not most any of the camps?
15:42
[SPEAKER_03]: That's not what happens at camp.
15:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, right, one of my friends last night when we were talking to this said that she just dropped her kids off a camp and that one of them was a little anxious about it.
15:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And she said, you're dad and I wouldn't send you anywhere that isn't safe.
15:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And the minute it came out of her mouth, though, yeah, it realized that her daughter said those kids went to a camp where their parents thought they were safe.
16:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's that balance, right?
16:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, I mean, what's the response to that?
16:06
[SPEAKER_01]: That we're in a fallen world.
16:08
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, I mean, if it's a little kid, if it's an eight-year-old, it is, yes, but this camp isn't that, and it is safe.
16:16
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, you can speak in black and whites to little children.
16:21
[SPEAKER_03]: But at the same time, when they're older, I think it's perfectly reasonable if it's a teenager, you know, I would definitely say, yeah, that's a great point.
16:30
[SPEAKER_03]: We can't know
16:32
[SPEAKER_03]: a hundred percent and there is such a thing as hundred-year floods that have never happened in anyone's lifetime and nowhere could not be no that's a different thing and we should talk about that but that again depends on the age of that kid and eight-year-old is fine to say that's not this camp and that will not happen
16:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
16:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
16:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, um, so I was thinking about, because I know you did a show to talk out this, but yeah, the the book we all know, the anxious generation.
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's my, here's great book.
17:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's my beef.
17:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Excellent book.
17:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's my beef.
17:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Where are you waiting all day for Cynthia to throw out something?
17:08
[SPEAKER_01]: There.
17:08
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to hear it.
17:08
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to hear it.
17:09
[SPEAKER_01]: No foundation or fact behind it.
17:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And being someone who's raised kids, not without, I mean, a little bit older kids that didn't have cell phones or whole life.
17:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And now I've got a little one.
17:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And he didn't have a cell phone, but he's has mine all the time or not had or something.
17:22
[SPEAKER_01]: It feels like I feel like it's this doom now around this anxious generation.
17:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there's nothing we can do.
17:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And oh, they're all anxious.
17:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And like, I like that we have the information and that we're able to see the studies and the progression and we see the tidal wave.
17:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it's tidal wave.
17:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I guess we're in it.
17:39
[SPEAKER_01]: The waves already hit us or whatever.
17:41
[SPEAKER_01]: But what I'm concerned about is it can feel hopeless and it can feel like there's not a lot I can do.
17:48
[SPEAKER_01]: We've got these cell phone obsessed kids and then we've got tragedies that we've got, well, no wonder they're anxious.
17:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, heck, I'm anxious after all of this.
17:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So my beef, if I were to have one, is that I need some hope out of this, like I need someone to say yes but.
18:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what's the yes but with this anxious generation?
18:08
[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, so when you talk about Jonathan Heights book, I think that's the best critique of that is that I'm still not quite sure why he titled it that.
18:17
[SPEAKER_03]: Because the book is actually, if you haven't read it for the last
18:23
[SPEAKER_03]: Ted years, five years, there has still been some question about are these smartphones?
18:30
[SPEAKER_03]: Is it really bad for our teenagers, our children?
18:34
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, Jonathan Heitz book is a slam dunk research of yes.
18:38
[SPEAKER_03]: It is bad, but the part that I would emphasize though is that he does not leave it at its bad.
18:43
[SPEAKER_03]: He has very specific references, most of them are policy wise and government wise, but also including for parents.
18:53
[SPEAKER_03]: of some very specific guidelines of how we need to respond to this.
18:57
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think I was very impressed with the way that he parsed out the research so that he can back up very specific goals like your your kid does not need a smartphone before ninth grade, which is interesting because there was a whole program called Wait until eighth.
19:15
[SPEAKER_03]: Do you remember that?
19:17
[SPEAKER_03]: Well, there's now research, no, you better wait till ninth and then for social media, it's sixteen and he has a very good reason why that's there.
19:27
[SPEAKER_03]: And then I work with parents that are certainly dealing with the incredible uphill climb that is, especially with teenagers to draw that kind of line.
19:40
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I think the hope there is in you can absolutely do something about this.
19:46
[SPEAKER_03]: It is absolutely harmful up to these ages.
19:51
[SPEAKER_03]: And the part he doesn't get into is that that's exactly what the church is for.
19:56
[SPEAKER_03]: I go to many churches now talking about you cannot expect your parents to do all this alone.
20:02
[SPEAKER_03]: If you have church support that none of the student ministry here like know some churches that you deposit your phone at the door when you go to student ministry just like if you went to school, things like that.
20:15
[SPEAKER_03]: So community that support each other in these limits
20:20
[SPEAKER_03]: It can absolutely be done.
20:21
[SPEAKER_03]: And it's, you know, but it was just a huge wake-up call as to just how important it is in a thing that's now so ubiquitous that we can't imagine living life without that.
20:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
20:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
20:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And I point well taken and that
20:38
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's like when one of my kiddos was diagnosed with learning stuff.
20:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And so there is a guy that is amazing in Dallas that makes us assessments and says it's X, Y, and Z, here's the learning stuff.
20:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I'm like, yes, but, okay, so what now, right?
20:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And I feel like if you haven't read the book, but you just now, we're just calling it or the ancient generation.
20:57
[SPEAKER_01]: They're just anxious.
20:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Everybody's anxious.
20:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And I like that you're speaking to that.
21:00
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, but we can still put some parameters around things.
21:03
[SPEAKER_01]: There's still, there's always hope in Jesus.
21:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, and I think you're right.
21:07
[SPEAKER_03]: That's not really what the book is about.
21:09
[SPEAKER_03]: It's not about it is about the strain this is put on our kids.
21:13
[SPEAKER_03]: If you combine that with the other book, Bad Therapy by she's the woman that wrote
21:22
[SPEAKER_03]: irreversible damage, forget her name.
21:25
[SPEAKER_03]: But she talks about the struggle that we're now having that when you talk about anxious kids, all children are anxious.
21:36
[SPEAKER_03]: Anxiety is not unusual in children.
21:38
[SPEAKER_03]: As parents, we're also learning this, oh no, if my child or even teenager has negative emotional states,
21:46
[SPEAKER_03]: then I must find the parental in kind of technique to take away all unpleasant emotion or else I've not done a good job.
21:55
[SPEAKER_03]: That's absurd.
21:57
[SPEAKER_03]: And so anxiety, all children have anxiety.
22:00
[SPEAKER_03]: A few have very severe anxiety.
22:04
[SPEAKER_03]: I think what's happened is we have more and more children in the middle that have moderate amounts of anxiety that are
22:11
[SPEAKER_03]: It just feels wrong as a parent to say, yeah, I know that you're anxious.
22:14
[SPEAKER_03]: You have to do it anyway.
22:16
[SPEAKER_03]: Get out and go do it.
22:17
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, that's wrong.
22:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
22:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it Abigail Shire?
22:21
[SPEAKER_01]: That's you.
22:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Abigail Shire.
22:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
22:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Got it.
22:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, okay.
22:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's another question.
22:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're going to keep him a doctor, doctor, can't on time.
22:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So I wish I could show y'all all the questions I have.
22:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I have all these.
22:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I want to ask him questions at how we're going to parent through AI.
22:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
22:36
[SPEAKER_01]: But we're not going to hit that today because we don't have time.
22:39
[SPEAKER_01]: But here's a question since we started by talking about just the hard things right now and just the anxiety and our kids.
22:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you think as parents are we anxious parents now?
22:47
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, so much so.
22:50
[SPEAKER_03]: And I feel practically guilty because when back in the, uh, nineties, when I was starting to teach parenting, you know, I, I thought we were giving out good
23:02
[SPEAKER_03]: insights like misbehavior is not the same as impulsivity and things like this that were helping parents to be more effective.
23:10
[SPEAKER_03]: It never occurred to me that twenty years later, thirty years later, parents are actually going to swallow whole the whole the idea of there is a technique called parenting that if you know this inside stuff, you can guarantee that your kid will thrive and do well.
23:29
[SPEAKER_03]: No, no, no, no, no one has that.
23:31
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I told him that in the second edition of my book, feeding the mouth of the bunch, the second chapter now and insert this chapter called the perfect pair or the pressure of parenting.
23:45
[SPEAKER_03]: And yes, parents are way, they're anxious because they think there's much more they should and can control.
23:53
[SPEAKER_03]: I have good news, you're only a parent.
23:56
[SPEAKER_03]: It's not all about you.
24:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I think about like my parents.
24:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure you feel the same way.
24:03
[SPEAKER_01]: My parents were not angushing over.
24:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
24:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And whether I'm going to be nervous, I'm going to camp because this or that.
24:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
24:11
[SPEAKER_01]: My parents weren't angushing over without they're getting this right or wrong.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I think about that and and that didn't make them bad parents.
24:18
[SPEAKER_03]: No, and in some ways, yes.
24:21
[SPEAKER_03]: Have you ever heard this?
24:22
[SPEAKER_03]: I've always joked with people.
24:23
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't think apologizing to your children was invented until about a, a, you know, you just didn't.
24:31
[SPEAKER_03]: My parents were good parents.
24:32
[SPEAKER_03]: I didn't apologize to me for stuff.
24:34
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, because they were raising their children.
24:36
[SPEAKER_03]: They weren't worried about their parenting.
24:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh huh.
24:40
[SPEAKER_01]: So what's one old school practice like that we need to bring back if if we're going to think about the way things that our parents did it and what worked if we're not obsessive or I'm getting it wrong or I'm not talking out the floods correctly.
24:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to screw my kids up.
24:54
[SPEAKER_01]: They're never going to believe in Jesus for their life because I didn't I mean, you know, those are all the things.
24:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
25:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not answering these big questions, and some of my kids are going to fall away from their faith, any moment now, it's all over.
25:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, talk us down a little bit, and what is something old school?
25:08
[SPEAKER_01]: What can we take from that that we need to settle?
25:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Tell us a simmer down.
25:11
[SPEAKER_03]: Four, four, four younger children up to about certainly by ten.
25:18
[SPEAKER_03]: The primary thing parents are supposed to be doing is teaching their children the parameters of how to behave in these different settings.
25:27
[SPEAKER_03]: And you do that by being clear, okay, we are going to the restaurant and here's the way you need to behave and reward when they do well.
25:38
[SPEAKER_03]: and be prepared with an appropriate consequence, something negative, if they do not behave appropriately.
25:45
[SPEAKER_03]: That is always been number one in parenting.
25:49
[SPEAKER_03]: And somehow that's gotten lost under a mountain of aren't you supposed to teach them their inner feelings and kind of controlling their own
26:00
[SPEAKER_03]: you know, disregulation.
26:01
[SPEAKER_03]: No, that's not bad, but that's after number one, teacher children, or is the psychologist Jordan Peterson said, do not let your children do things that make you not like them.
26:13
[SPEAKER_03]: And he has this whole thing about, if you don't like your kids, you love them, but you don't like them.
26:18
[SPEAKER_03]: None of us are going to love your kid and all that.
26:21
[SPEAKER_03]: And then the number, so that's number one, for parents of
26:24
[SPEAKER_03]: children if you have as you know a thirteen or older the number one thing that I always want parents to know is you no longer have a child that is a young adult that you need to start them on a felt sense of we recognize that you are more and more needing to control your own life and we hand over freedoms not all at once but those are that's the sort of like the main thing for children and the main thing for teenagers
26:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, okay.
26:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thanks for talking anxiety and tragedy.
27:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm having nothing but a ball of sunshine today and you're welcome, Dr. Kay.
27:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Really uplifting over here.
27:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what's up?
27:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
27:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I do.
27:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I appreciate your insight and helping us walk through this.
27:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then now, you know, by the way, I emailed Dr. Ken like two months ago and he didn't respond.
27:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I emailed him down and I'm like, do you hate me?
27:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, normal.
27:19
[SPEAKER_03]: That's a neurotic for sure who has forgotten it.
27:23
[SPEAKER_03]: Oh wait.
27:24
[SPEAKER_03]: That's Dr. Wilkes.
27:25
[SPEAKER_03]: He just drops balls.
27:27
[SPEAKER_03]: He didn't know what's going on.
27:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I'm going to email you again in about a month and say, hey, we never got to talk about AI and all these other things that are going on in current events and you're going to not respond and then that's right.
27:40
[SPEAKER_03]: And then two or three weeks later, you'll write me again and I'll go, oh, I thought you got the message that I don't like you.
27:48
[SPEAKER_03]: No, I will answer.
27:49
[SPEAKER_03]: I will do better.
27:50
[SPEAKER_03]: Give me a chance coach.
27:51
[SPEAKER_03]: Put me back again.
27:52
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
27:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks.
27:54
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
27:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for being here.
27:55
[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.
27:58
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, a big thank you to Dr. Wilgus and he's just always so wise and helpful and gives you lots to think about.
28:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I am appreciative that we were able to have this conversation and I know it's hard.
28:11
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot going on as so it's continued to be praying for
28:14
[SPEAKER_01]: all the people that are struggling through the loss here in Texas but just in general there's just a lot of hard it feels like right now and so it's been praying for people I want you to know that I will be praying for you and you can always DM me and I would love to be praying for a specific request you have in your life you can also get a hold of me through Cynthiaganoff.com email me and those will be routed to me as well your email so I will be here in praying for and with you guys and thanks for re-apparted mesmerized family you guys get a very best