Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / You Do Not Have To Be The Bigger Person. Your Peace Of Mind Comes First. (E)

Transcript

You Do Not Have To Be The Bigger Person. Your Peace Of Mind Comes First. (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, my beautiful beans, Welcome to today's episode.
0:17
Speaker 1: So this episode is one that I'm bringing back from
0:19
Speaker 1: the past. It is one of my most loved episodes.
0:24
Speaker 1: Every time I do an encore episode, I obviously try
0:26
Speaker 1: and bring back some one of the most loved and
0:28
Speaker 1: shared episodes because I think it's really good to resurface
0:31
Speaker 1: it and get either the new listeners or people that
0:33
Speaker 1: missed it to, you know, get a chance to listen
0:35
Speaker 1: to this episode. This one is so so helpful if
0:39
Speaker 1: you are having demons about how to kind of walk
0:43
Speaker 1: away from a situation, how to protect yourself in a
0:48
Speaker 1: situation where it could be it could be a breakup,
0:51
Speaker 1: it could be conflict, it could be a fight that
0:53
Speaker 1: you've had, it could be dealing with a toxic person.
0:55
Speaker 1: And I basically give you the tools in this episode
0:59
Speaker 1: to feel confident and comfortable within yourself to be able
1:04
Speaker 1: to kind of take control of that situation and put
1:07
Speaker 1: yourself first. So this is all about not having to
1:10
Speaker 1: be the bigger person and what you can actually be
1:12
Speaker 1: doing instead of this feeling or pressure that we always
1:16
Speaker 1: have to be the bigger person and the nice one
1:18
Speaker 1: in the situation. All of that, so I take away
1:20
Speaker 1: that guilt in this episode and I break down what
1:22
Speaker 1: you should be doing instead.
1:24
Speaker 2: So enjoy. To the topic of today, I did.
1:43
Speaker 1: Want to speak about my audio book which is coming
1:46
Speaker 1: out very soon. It is called How to Chase Change
1:49
Speaker 1: Thirty Days to Master Your mindset. This audiobook is I'm
1:54
Speaker 1: so excited for you guys to do it. It's I
1:57
Speaker 1: think it's unreal.
1:58
Speaker 2: It goes for thirty days.
1:59
Speaker 1: You listen to roughly ten minutes a day for thirty days,
2:01
Speaker 1: and after every single session or module, you get either
2:06
Speaker 1: a piece of homework and exercise to do or further
2:09
Speaker 1: resources for you to further your knowledge in that topic.
2:12
Speaker 1: But there is something, a task or a resource every
2:15
Speaker 1: single day for those thirty days you can be doing it.
2:18
Speaker 1: It can take you longer than the thirty days, but
2:21
Speaker 1: it is designed for by the end of that thirty
2:24
Speaker 1: day period, your life is absolutely transformed. You've got a
2:28
Speaker 1: much better understanding of who you are and what you want.
2:31
Speaker 1: If you want to pre order the book, just check
2:34
Speaker 1: the link in the bio and you can click on
2:36
Speaker 1: that link and pre order the book. It comes out
2:38
Speaker 1: September tenth, so get your pre orders in I'm so
2:42
Speaker 1: excited and I can't wait to hear from you guys
2:45
Speaker 1: and hear what you think about the book. The episode
2:50
Speaker 1: of today is going to be about this idea of
2:53
Speaker 1: being the bigger person, and I want to dedicate an
2:58
Speaker 1: entire episode around the fact that you do not have
3:02
Speaker 1: to be the bigger person, especially when you are sacrificing
3:06
Speaker 1: your mental health or your peace of mind in order
3:09
Speaker 1: to do so. Now, I am going to clarify what
3:11
Speaker 1: I mean by being the bigger person, and in which
3:13
Speaker 1: scenarios it will benefit you to be the bigger person,
3:17
Speaker 1: and in which scenarios it actually very likely will not
3:21
Speaker 1: benefit you. And there are some people that love to
3:25
Speaker 1: always be the bigger person in the scenario and it
3:27
Speaker 1: fulfills them and it makes them feel great. Great, do
3:30
Speaker 1: it if it makes you feel good, great, But I'm
3:33
Speaker 1: talking about scenarios where people will push past their morals
3:38
Speaker 1: and how they feel, and they will abandon themselves in
3:41
Speaker 1: order to come across as the bigger person. And we
3:45
Speaker 1: glorify coming across as the bigger person that we will
3:48
Speaker 1: abandon our primary needs at times just to save face
3:54
Speaker 1: and have that image of oh, well, I was the
3:56
Speaker 1: bigger person. Okay, So I'm going to talk. I'm gonna
3:59
Speaker 1: hopefully put your mind at ease and let you know
4:02
Speaker 1: that at least I agree with you in those times.
4:04
Speaker 1: So you're like, I really don't want to do this,
4:06
Speaker 1: but I feel I have to because everyone's telling me
4:08
Speaker 1: that I have to. All right, That's what today's episode
4:10
Speaker 1: is going to be about, little quick life update because
4:12
Speaker 1: it's been a couple of weeks, and then we'll get
4:15
Speaker 1: straight into the episode of today. I don't have a
4:17
Speaker 1: brain factor today, but we'll get into the brain facts
4:20
Speaker 1: in the coming episodes. If you are not interested in
4:22
Speaker 1: my life update, just fast forward to the eight eight
4:25
Speaker 1: and a half nine minute mark something like that, and
4:28
Speaker 1: we can get straight into the topic of today. What
4:31
Speaker 1: has happened in the last two or so weeks. I've
4:33
Speaker 1: had a couple of trips to Queensland, literally a couple
4:35
Speaker 1: of trips to Queensland, one in which I thought I
4:38
Speaker 1: was accidentally in Queensland because my friend had a baby
4:42
Speaker 1: shower and we are from Queensland, but she lives in
4:45
Speaker 1: Sydney and so do I. So I my other friend, Renee,
4:49
Speaker 1: messages me while I'm in Queensland and says, are you
4:52
Speaker 1: going to be in Queensland next weekend for Sophie's baby shower,
4:55
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I had no fucking idea that there
4:59
Speaker 1: was a a fucking baby shower in Queensland, and I'm
5:03
Speaker 1: coming back to Sydney and then I'm like fuck, so
5:07
Speaker 1: I'm frantically booking flights. I'm like, yeah, I'll be there,
5:09
Speaker 1: and she sends me a screenshot of the invite and
5:11
Speaker 1: I'm the worst person in the world when it comes
5:14
Speaker 1: to Facebook invitations. Don't even don't even ever invite me
5:18
Speaker 1: on a Facebook invite because I'm never say it never anyway,
5:21
Speaker 1: so she sends me a screenshot off it, and I
5:24
Speaker 1: just looked at the date and I'm like, yeah, yeah,
5:26
Speaker 1: so you know, Rene booked a hotel. It was going
5:29
Speaker 1: to be fun, fun, fun. Anyway. I get back to Queensland,
5:32
Speaker 1: com to Sydney, go back to Queensland and there I am.
5:35
Speaker 1: We're getting ready the night before to go out for
5:37
Speaker 1: dinner the baby showers the following day, and we're thinking, okay,
5:41
Speaker 1: where what time is the baby show? It's at Newfound
5:43
Speaker 1: Park and I'm trying to look up the time, and
5:46
Speaker 1: I go into the invite that I was actually invited
5:48
Speaker 1: to the on Facebook and I'm like, oh my god,
5:52
Speaker 1: we are three weeks early. This fucking baby shower is
5:55
Speaker 1: at the end of August, so here we are in hysterics.
6:00
Speaker 1: We send a voice message to Sophie Renee Does and
6:02
Speaker 1: she's like, oh my god, we're three weeks early. We're here,
6:05
Speaker 1: Oh my god, what are we doing? Oh haha, we're
6:07
Speaker 1: both in Queensland ready for the baby shower and it's
6:09
Speaker 1: actually in three weeks time. And the Sofa just replies
6:12
Speaker 1: really nonchalant, being like, haha, love you guys, how cute. Anyhow,
6:15
Speaker 1: I'm just at the airport. I'll call you later. And
6:17
Speaker 1: we're like, why isn't she freaking out? Does she have
6:19
Speaker 1: baby brain? What is the deal? Turns out I crashed
6:24
Speaker 1: the queens Line baby shower she was having two. There
6:27
Speaker 1: actually was one the following day. I crashed it. I
6:30
Speaker 1: was uninvited, although she wasn't mad that I went, because
6:33
Speaker 1: she's lovely, but and then I absolutely didn't even realize
6:36
Speaker 1: that the baby shower that I was invited to was
6:38
Speaker 1: the Sydney one, which was in three weeks time. So
6:40
Speaker 1: there you go. That's what you get for never reading
6:43
Speaker 1: an invitation. If for never looking at your Facebook invites.
6:46
Speaker 1: So apart from that, I've just been obsessed with the
6:49
Speaker 1: Women's World Cup. It is just consuming my life. I
6:53
Speaker 1: cannot explain. I didn't know anxiety until well, I did
6:59
Speaker 1: no anxiety the final of the Men's World Cup. That
7:02
Speaker 1: just absolutely destroyed my soul and shaved a good seven
7:05
Speaker 1: years of my life. I was because my father's Argentinian
7:09
Speaker 1: and Argentina was in the final. I was in the
7:12
Speaker 1: room separate to the whole family watching the game. When
7:15
Speaker 1: it was the penalty shootout, I was having heart palpitations,
7:19
Speaker 1: a whole gamut of medical things were happening to me.
7:23
Speaker 1: My sister had to call me on the phone to
7:25
Speaker 1: tell me that Argentina had won, and I was just
7:29
Speaker 1: in disbelief anyway. So that was high levels of anxiety.
7:33
Speaker 1: And now again I met with these crazy levels of
7:36
Speaker 1: anxiety with the Matildas. And I mean, I'm recording this
7:40
Speaker 1: before the Wednesday semi final game, so let's just fucking
7:43
Speaker 1: hope that we win that game. But regardless, it's been
7:47
Speaker 1: a ride, and I need to interview one of the
7:50
Speaker 1: matildas on this podcast, so I'm going to put it
7:54
Speaker 1: out there and manifest it and have one of the
7:57
Speaker 1: matildas on this podcast because oh my god, what a only. Oh. Anyway,
8:01
Speaker 1: this is not a sports podcast, so I'm just going
8:03
Speaker 1: to leave it at that. Anyway, good times. Let's get
8:05
Speaker 1: straight into the episode of today. Okay, this concept of
8:11
Speaker 1: being the bigger person. Before I delve into all the
8:14
Speaker 1: reasons why it is that you do not have to
8:16
Speaker 1: be the bigger person, I do want to note that
8:19
Speaker 1: there are two situations that this can apply to, and
8:22
Speaker 1: I'm going to be heavily focusing on the second situation.
8:26
Speaker 1: The first one is being the bigger person in an
8:29
Speaker 1: ongoing healthy keyword healthy relationship. That is where there is
8:38
Speaker 1: no power dynamic going on, where there's mutual respect, where
8:43
Speaker 1: there's generally a good level of communication between the two people.
8:47
Speaker 1: That is what I mean by a healthy relationship. Okay,
8:50
Speaker 1: one person isn't in power and one person is not
8:53
Speaker 1: the submissive one. That is an unhealthy relationship. So in
8:56
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, there are going to be times where
8:59
Speaker 1: I actually genuinely believe that in hopefully both people will
9:03
Speaker 1: want to be the bigger person and make amends so
9:07
Speaker 1: that way you can get to talking about the issue
9:09
Speaker 1: instead of fighting or instead of having the silent treatment
9:12
Speaker 1: or all of that. So when it comes to a
9:13
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, I think it's to your benefit and to
9:16
Speaker 1: your partner's benefit that both of you try and be
9:19
Speaker 1: the bigger person as often as you can remember to
9:23
Speaker 1: be the bigger person. Okay, for me personally, I just
9:27
Speaker 1: I'm currently engaged to a man who is very good
9:34
Speaker 1: at being the bigger person, to the extent that he
9:36
Speaker 1: doesn't even give me an opportunity to be the bigger
9:39
Speaker 1: person because he knows how to put out these fires
9:42
Speaker 1: very very quickly. If we get annoyed at each other
9:45
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, I just don't want to talk
9:48
Speaker 1: to you right now. I'm just frustrated, or we've just
9:50
Speaker 1: not communicated properly or whatever, I don't even have the
9:54
Speaker 1: time to be angry and annoyed because he'll literally be like, oh, okay,
9:59
Speaker 1: let's just fight. But we're good, we're good. Let's just
10:01
Speaker 1: he will literally put out the fire straight away. And
10:05
Speaker 1: it's it's not to say that he brushes the issue
10:07
Speaker 1: under the under the rug. He doesn't, but he says,
10:10
Speaker 1: this angriness that we're experiencing right now, it's fucking unnecessary.
10:13
Speaker 1: We fucking love each other, let's just be let's take
10:16
Speaker 1: a breath, let's chill, and let's get to the bottom
10:18
Speaker 1: of it. So he's really good at doing that. And
10:22
Speaker 1: when you're in a healthy relationship, I think it's very
10:24
Speaker 1: important to always remind yourself of where your intentions are
10:28
Speaker 1: and how you feel towards each other, and do you
10:30
Speaker 1: have to be angry while you are dealing with this
10:33
Speaker 1: issue at hand, and a lot of in a lot
10:35
Speaker 1: of the times, the answer is no. There'll be some
10:38
Speaker 1: scenarios where yes, okay, you're angry, you need your time
10:41
Speaker 1: out and you need to walk away. Absolutely, But for
10:44
Speaker 1: a lot of situations, one or the other can be
10:48
Speaker 1: the bigger person, and I think that's where you need
10:49
Speaker 1: to remind yourself to do that. Now, what I'm going
10:52
Speaker 1: to talk about in this situation is situation number two,
10:56
Speaker 1: which is when you are no longer in a relationship
11:00
Speaker 1: with a person, whether this be romantic, whether this be
11:03
Speaker 1: with a family member, whether this be with a friend
11:06
Speaker 1: or an ex friend or colleague, or whatever you want
11:08
Speaker 1: to call it, any relationship that you are no longer
11:11
Speaker 1: engaged in as far as how it used to be
11:14
Speaker 1: versus how it is now. That is what I'm going
11:17
Speaker 1: to focus on. Okay, Now, I do want to have
11:22
Speaker 1: a little disclaimer here. What I am talking about today
11:26
Speaker 1: is not about holding a grudge or seeking revenge or
11:31
Speaker 1: acting in a way to actively make the other person suffer.
11:35
Speaker 1: It's none of that. It's more personal to you and
11:39
Speaker 1: your boundaries and your morals. So it's this idea that
11:44
Speaker 1: sometimes you are just completely done with someone or something
11:50
Speaker 1: or some kind of a relationship. You want nothing more
11:52
Speaker 1: to do with it. You're ready to completely step away.
11:56
Speaker 1: And by stepping away, I mean not just from the relationship,
11:59
Speaker 1: but also from all negative emotions that are attached to
12:01
Speaker 1: that relationship. You just you're closing this chapter, okay. And
12:06
Speaker 1: sometimes being the bigger person would mean that you are
12:11
Speaker 1: feeling like you have to still include this person in
12:14
Speaker 1: your life, or you have to save face and be
12:15
Speaker 1: friendly to this person in the workplace, or be social
12:19
Speaker 1: with this person, or still reply to their messages and
12:21
Speaker 1: all of that, and that can be more detrimental than
12:24
Speaker 1: helpful in a lot of situations for a lot of people.
12:28
Speaker 1: And no one wants to come across as quote unquote
12:31
Speaker 1: the psycho, so they just think, oh, well, I just
12:35
Speaker 1: have to be friendly because I don't want to look
12:36
Speaker 1: like I'm too affected by this, and I don't want
12:38
Speaker 1: to look like I'm harboring hate or harboring anger. But
12:40
Speaker 1: sometimes it's not about harboring hate or anger. Sometimes it's
12:44
Speaker 1: I'm genuinely finished here. I have nothing more to give,
12:47
Speaker 1: nor do I want to give anything else. I'm not
12:49
Speaker 1: harboring any excess hate or seeking revenge or anger. I
12:54
Speaker 1: just am done, and I'm done saying your face, I'm
12:58
Speaker 1: just done, and that is okay. So understand the difference.
13:04
Speaker 1: One is I'm harboring all these horrible emotions, I'm harboring
13:07
Speaker 1: all these things, and the other one is I'm just done. Okay.
13:11
Speaker 1: So you have to get to a point where you
13:14
Speaker 1: realize that your peace of mind in many situations is
13:20
Speaker 1: more important than coming across as the bigger person. Sometimes
13:26
Speaker 1: it is a lot of the time, it's more important
13:29
Speaker 1: to protect your mental health and your peace of mind
13:33
Speaker 1: and your boundaries. So an example of this, I'm going
13:38
Speaker 1: to give you an example of a scenario that many
13:41
Speaker 1: people have gone through. I was actually talking to someone
13:45
Speaker 1: recently about this, and they had been dating somebody and
13:50
Speaker 1: the person that they had dated years ago was extremely unhealthy,
13:55
Speaker 1: extremely emotionally abusive, just not a good person. Okay, not
13:59
Speaker 1: a fucking good pace. Then they broke up, not on
14:02
Speaker 1: good terms. They didn't talk, and then a couple of
14:06
Speaker 1: years later, the ex, the emotionally abusive X, rolls back
14:10
Speaker 1: into their life, my friend's life, and starts apologizing for
14:14
Speaker 1: their behavior. I'm really sorry that I did this. You know,
14:19
Speaker 1: I'm a better person now. I've really grown from that,
14:23
Speaker 1: and I hope that we can have a friendship and
14:25
Speaker 1: I hope that we can have a relationship and whatever.
14:27
Speaker 1: And my friend was like, oh, well, that's really good.
14:31
Speaker 1: You have to celebrate when people have this growth, you
14:33
Speaker 1: have to do whatever. And I'm like, yeah, absolutely, that's
14:35
Speaker 1: all true. So I'm gonna I'm gonna, you know, catch
14:39
Speaker 1: up with them, and I'm going to do this and
14:41
Speaker 1: I'm going to meet up with them and I'll reply
14:43
Speaker 1: and I'll be nice because that is really nice that
14:45
Speaker 1: they said that. And I said, well, do you want
14:47
Speaker 1: this person in your life? And they're like, oh, well,
14:50
Speaker 1: I haven't really thought about it. And I was like, well,
14:52
Speaker 1: would you benefit having this person in your life? Like
14:55
Speaker 1: are you just because if you want this person in
14:57
Speaker 1: your life as a friend or whatever, one hundred percent
15:00
Speaker 1: God for gold, Like, keep doing what you're doing. That's
15:03
Speaker 1: genuinely fine if that's what you want. But I then
15:08
Speaker 1: made a comment saying, in my personal scenario, looking at
15:12
Speaker 1: exactly my situation, if one of my not all of
15:16
Speaker 1: my exes, there's several exes that I would easily have
15:20
Speaker 1: a very happy, very healthy conversation with, and gladly would.
15:24
Speaker 1: But there are certain people that I've dated in my
15:26
Speaker 1: past who if they did that and apologized and did
15:30
Speaker 1: all of that, I would have zero desire to entertain
15:35
Speaker 1: any kind of interaction with that person. And it's got
15:37
Speaker 1: nothing to do with harboring anger or harboring revenge or
15:41
Speaker 1: it's just that I'm so far removed from that point
15:43
Speaker 1: in my life that I'm not interested and it is
15:46
Speaker 1: not my responsibility to validate that person's feelings anymore. And
15:51
Speaker 1: at most I would reply saying congratulations for making for
15:55
Speaker 1: growing goodbye at most. And people make up these fucking
16:01
Speaker 1: one liners that are like, if you still can't talk
16:03
Speaker 1: to your ex, it means that you're still in love
16:05
Speaker 1: with them. Bullshit. If you can still acknowledge that someone
16:09
Speaker 1: is just not a good person, And there's no need
16:12
Speaker 1: to have them in your life whatsoever. It's also perfectly
16:15
Speaker 1: fine to not want to talk to that person. Sometimes
16:18
Speaker 1: you get to a point in your life where it's
16:20
Speaker 1: got nothing to do with if you have feelings for
16:22
Speaker 1: them anymore. It's got more to do with I'm a
16:25
Speaker 1: completely different person from who I was at the time.
16:28
Speaker 1: I have no not only need, but no desire to
16:32
Speaker 1: reintroduce you in my life, especially when the version of
16:35
Speaker 1: you that I knew was just not a great version.
16:37
Speaker 1: I don't need to even trial that again. I'm just
16:40
Speaker 1: not bothered by this, and I'm not interested, and I've
16:43
Speaker 1: got better shit to do with my time. The next
16:46
Speaker 1: thing I want to remind you of, well, I don't
16:49
Speaker 1: know if it's remind or tell you, but is It
16:52
Speaker 1: is not your job or your responsibility to comfort those
16:59
Speaker 1: that have hurt you in the past. Okay, So sometimes
17:05
Speaker 1: you end up allowing those who hurt you back in
17:07
Speaker 1: your life because they've done this big song and dance
17:10
Speaker 1: and this big apology, and you feel like you need
17:13
Speaker 1: to validate that and celebrate that because they've made these changes,
17:19
Speaker 1: and you feel like you owe them your forgiveness or
17:21
Speaker 1: a second chance, or you owe them a access to
17:25
Speaker 1: your life and to you because they've made these changes
17:30
Speaker 1: and they've improved as a human being. Firstly, if you
17:35
Speaker 1: want to congratulate someone for making changes in their life,
17:38
Speaker 1: you can do that without then letting them into your life.
17:40
Speaker 1: That's one thing you can do. So if you feel, oh,
17:42
Speaker 1: but it's good to encourage people to change, I agree.
17:46
Speaker 1: It is good to encourage people to change. But you
17:48
Speaker 1: can do that while still drawing that boundary and saying,
17:51
Speaker 1: I just really don't want you in my life. I'm
17:52
Speaker 1: not fucking interested. The next thing is you don't have
17:55
Speaker 1: to do that. And someone should want to change because
17:57
Speaker 1: it benefits them, not because they're going to get a
17:59
Speaker 1: positive reaction from the people that they've heard in the past.
18:02
Speaker 1: So you not replying or you not validating their feelings
18:05
Speaker 1: shouldn't change the outcome of that person's trajectory. So it
18:08
Speaker 1: is okay for you not to reply to that message
18:11
Speaker 1: or not to reply to that email or whatever it
18:14
Speaker 1: is or DM that that person has sent you. It
18:16
Speaker 1: is okay to do that. Like I said at the start, again,
18:21
Speaker 1: if you want this person in your life, if you
18:23
Speaker 1: like it would be nice to have an acquaintance with
18:25
Speaker 1: this person, there's nothing wrong with that either. But I'm
18:28
Speaker 1: talking about it from the perspective of someone who feels
18:31
Speaker 1: uncomfortable but feeling like they have to be this quote
18:33
Speaker 1: unquote bigger person because everyone else is going to think
18:36
Speaker 1: that they're crazy for still harboring these feelings. Okay, a
18:40
Speaker 1: line is a line, and a boundary is a boundary,
18:42
Speaker 1: and you draw that boundary and you can decide who's
18:44
Speaker 1: in your life, and you can decide who's not in
18:46
Speaker 1: your life. And just because someone rolls in hot into
18:48
Speaker 1: your life years later ambushes you when you're least expected
18:51
Speaker 1: and says fucking sorry for fucking emotionally abusing you. But
18:54
Speaker 1: here I am new an improved version. Let's be friends.
18:57
Speaker 1: You do not have to be their friend. You can
18:59
Speaker 1: say hello, goodbye and call it a day. You can
19:06
Speaker 1: forgive people but also not want them in your life.
19:11
Speaker 1: And you can forgive people but not think that their
19:16
Speaker 1: behavior was remotely acceptable. So this has nothing to do
19:20
Speaker 1: with forgiveness. It is okay to be in a position
19:22
Speaker 1: when you're like, yes, I've forgiven you, but I'm done,
19:27
Speaker 1: Like I just I know the interactions that we had,
19:30
Speaker 1: I know the history we had, and I'm willing to
19:32
Speaker 1: close that chapter. And by closing that chapter, it means
19:34
Speaker 1: I just don't have any any more energy to give you.
19:38
Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean that I'm angry. I've moved past
19:40
Speaker 1: that I've done the work. I genuinely. I mean, you
19:43
Speaker 1: might wish them the best, You might just wish them
19:45
Speaker 1: what they deserve, whatever it is that you wish for them.
19:47
Speaker 1: But it is okay to forgive someone and still not
19:52
Speaker 1: want a bar off their bullshit. Okay, that is perfectly fine.
19:57
Speaker 1: And something that's really come to my attention is that
20:01
Speaker 1: a lot of people are the bigger person in situations
20:06
Speaker 1: like they're talking to their work colleague who they used
20:09
Speaker 1: to date, who fucked them over and who cheated on them,
20:12
Speaker 1: but because they're at work, they're friendly, or they keep
20:14
Speaker 1: replying to their messages just to you know, to save face,
20:19
Speaker 1: you know, even though they got fucked over, because they
20:20
Speaker 1: don't want to come across as someone who harbors these feelings.
20:23
Speaker 1: And a lot of people do this because they are
20:27
Speaker 1: a people pleaser and slash, or because they really care
20:33
Speaker 1: about what people think of them. Sometimes your biggest fear
20:38
Speaker 1: is that people will think something negative of you, and
20:42
Speaker 1: someone's going to spread that. Oh, can you believe that
20:44
Speaker 1: she's still not talking to me? Can you believe that
20:48
Speaker 1: they will refuse to answer me? Can you believe that
20:51
Speaker 1: now after I've apologized, they still don't want to bar
20:53
Speaker 1: of me. It's been years. No one wants to be
20:56
Speaker 1: that person that is spoken of in that way. So
21:00
Speaker 1: in order to avoid having people talk about us in
21:03
Speaker 1: a certain way, we will push past our own boundaries
21:07
Speaker 1: and allow these people back into our lives, just so
21:11
Speaker 1: we don't appear to be the crazy one, or we
21:14
Speaker 1: just so we don't appear to be the one that's
21:16
Speaker 1: harboring all this stuff. But I'm here to tell you,
21:19
Speaker 1: and you don't need me to tell you, but I'm
21:21
Speaker 1: going to tell you anyway that it is okay to
21:25
Speaker 1: just draw a line and to say I don't want
21:27
Speaker 1: to be the bigger person here. The only thing I
21:29
Speaker 1: want to do here is protect my peace of mind,
21:31
Speaker 1: is to protect my mental health, is to protect this
21:33
Speaker 1: bubble that I've made for myself that I call a boundary.
21:37
Speaker 1: And I'm going to let certain people into that, and
21:40
Speaker 1: I'm not going to let other people into that. And
21:42
Speaker 1: if you've already burnt me in the past, I can heal,
21:46
Speaker 1: I can move on. But it doesn't mean that just
21:49
Speaker 1: because I've healed, and just because I've moved on, it
21:51
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I have to let you back into
21:53
Speaker 1: my area again. I don't. I actually don't. And sometimes
22:16
Speaker 1: when you bring these people back into your life purely
22:19
Speaker 1: because you don't want to be the crazy one, and
22:21
Speaker 1: you're like, I'll be the bigger person, you know, and
22:24
Speaker 1: I'll be civil and all that shit, and I'll hang
22:26
Speaker 1: out with you socially. Sometimes when you do that, sometimes
22:29
Speaker 1: not all the time, but it ends up obviously breaching
22:33
Speaker 1: your boundaries. But it can dredge up old feelings, it
22:37
Speaker 1: can dredge up past hurt. It can sway you into
22:41
Speaker 1: old patterns of behavior that you worked so hard to change.
22:44
Speaker 1: It can bring back unhealthy thought patterns. So you need
22:48
Speaker 1: to be paying really, really close attention. And you might
22:53
Speaker 1: be in a situation where someone in the past may
22:56
Speaker 1: be ghosted you. Let's use this as an example. They've
22:59
Speaker 1: ghosted you. They left you high and dry, no explanation.
23:03
Speaker 1: You were legitimately if not dating, you were on path
23:07
Speaker 1: to dating, You were communicating all the time, and then
23:10
Speaker 1: one day to the next, it's done. They've fully ghosted you.
23:13
Speaker 1: And this is a really common one. I literally get
23:15
Speaker 1: asked about this. People write in and ask me specifically
23:18
Speaker 1: about this scenario more times that you can even imagine.
23:23
Speaker 1: So someone goes to you, then they orbit back, and
23:27
Speaker 1: then they want to reply, Hey, what's happening? Or are
23:30
Speaker 1: you still mudd gas lighty bullshit? Right are you? Or
23:35
Speaker 1: that was ages ago? Or oh sorray and that kind
23:38
Speaker 1: of like absolutely undermining, undermining your emotions, undermining you, downplaying
23:46
Speaker 1: what they did, downplaying their own behaviors, not taking any
23:51
Speaker 1: accountability whatsoever. But then they worded in a way that
23:56
Speaker 1: if you're the one that then chooses not to reply,
23:59
Speaker 1: you're a grudge, you're the one who's crazy, et cetera,
24:03
Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. And the issue here is not
24:06
Speaker 1: only is it that you've just, you know, kind of
24:09
Speaker 1: played into this manipulative behavior if you do start replying,
24:13
Speaker 1: because you don't want them to continue thinking these things
24:15
Speaker 1: even though they're not thinking that. They're no, they're fucking
24:18
Speaker 1: toxic assholes, but whatever, so you play into it, you respond,
24:22
Speaker 1: and you do all these things. The issue is that
24:24
Speaker 1: at the time that you were entertaining a relationship with
24:27
Speaker 1: this person in the past, there is a big chance,
24:31
Speaker 1: and this is not in every situation, but in a
24:34
Speaker 1: lot of situations, there is a big chance that they
24:37
Speaker 1: were not treating you with the respect that you deserve
24:41
Speaker 1: to be treated with. And when you allow someone into
24:44
Speaker 1: your life, especially romantically, to treat you in a way
24:48
Speaker 1: that is less than what you deserve, then you start
24:51
Speaker 1: treating yourself in a way that is less than what
24:54
Speaker 1: you deserve. When you allow someone to treat you poorly,
24:59
Speaker 1: you are saying, yeah, I deserve this. And then when
25:04
Speaker 1: they're finally out of your life, that is most people's
25:07
Speaker 1: opportunity for growth. They become aware of this, they're like, wow,
25:11
Speaker 1: I was really mistreated. Wow, that was actually not okay.
25:14
Speaker 1: And when it was happening, a lot of the time
25:17
Speaker 1: we're blinded by it because we're in love and we
25:19
Speaker 1: have all these strong emotions that conflict with our logic,
25:23
Speaker 1: and all of that happens, which is fucking you know.
25:26
Speaker 1: I would say most people have gone through that, and
25:28
Speaker 1: we can all kind of relate to an extent. But
25:31
Speaker 1: then you do all this healing, you start putting all
25:34
Speaker 1: the pieces back together, and you think, now, fuck that, No, no, no, no,
25:36
Speaker 1: I'm respecting myself more. Yep, I'm good, I'm growing, I'm learning,
25:39
Speaker 1: I'm feeling fucking good. So now you're in this rebuilding
25:42
Speaker 1: yourself phase and you're respecting yourself more than ever before.
25:46
Speaker 1: You're really making some groundwork here, and then what happens.
25:49
Speaker 1: This clown reintroduces themselves into your life and you're taken
25:54
Speaker 1: by surprise. So if you don't protect this boundary that
25:58
Speaker 1: you've set up, if you don't remind yourself of like, whoa, whoa,
26:02
Speaker 1: I wasn't respecting myself back then by being with this person,
26:04
Speaker 1: I am respecting myself now. If you don't quickly remind
26:07
Speaker 1: yourself of these things and prop up that boundary, then
26:09
Speaker 1: when you start interacting with this person again under the
26:13
Speaker 1: vice of being a bigger person, being the bigger person
26:16
Speaker 1: and I'm going to be civil and I'm going to
26:18
Speaker 1: be nice, what happens You start returning back to these
26:23
Speaker 1: unhealthy thought patterns and unhealthy behaviors, and the respect that
26:27
Speaker 1: you had for yourself starts to get chipped away at
26:30
Speaker 1: chip chip chip, chip, chip away, chipping away, chipping away,
26:32
Speaker 1: until you've been like just fucking worn down to a
26:35
Speaker 1: nub a fucking lump. Okay, you build yourself back up.
26:40
Speaker 1: Now you've worn yourself back down, or they've worn you down,
26:43
Speaker 1: and then what Okay, great, you've got to be the
26:46
Speaker 1: bigger person. But your boundaries have been crossed. You've allowed
26:49
Speaker 1: this person back into your life. All that groundwork that
26:51
Speaker 1: you made you've now gone back on just to be
26:54
Speaker 1: the bigger person. You can't let someone into your life
26:59
Speaker 1: who's disc respected you multiple times and risk them disrespecting
27:03
Speaker 1: you again without disrespecting yourself in the process. It's not
27:08
Speaker 1: possible because there is a line, and once that line's
27:12
Speaker 1: been crossed, it shouldn't be crossed again. And it is
27:15
Speaker 1: your responsibility to protect that line. Maybe not the first
27:19
Speaker 1: time because you didn't see it coming, but the second,
27:22
Speaker 1: the third, the fourth, the fifth. Those are the times.
27:25
Speaker 1: And yes people can change, and yes people can improve,
27:29
Speaker 1: but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about someone
27:32
Speaker 1: that's gone and fucked you over vanished, and then they
27:35
Speaker 1: roll back in, Hey I'm back, you know, without actually
27:40
Speaker 1: giving you any proof, any evidence that anything is different. Okay,
27:47
Speaker 1: And mind you, a lot of the time they just
27:49
Speaker 1: want to roll in and have you like them. They
27:51
Speaker 1: don't even want to date you anymore. They just want
27:53
Speaker 1: everyone to like them again because it's for their ego.
27:56
Speaker 1: And if you can turn around and treat them with
27:58
Speaker 1: decency and respect, which is what they want, then the
28:01
Speaker 1: ego gets fluffed up again. It boils my blood when
28:05
Speaker 1: people try and push for their friends, families, whoever. To
28:09
Speaker 1: be the bigger person and be civil and just talk
28:12
Speaker 1: to them and don't show them that you're angry, don't
28:14
Speaker 1: show them that you're pissed off, don't show them anything.
28:17
Speaker 1: To someone that's been emotionally manipulated or abused or hurt
28:21
Speaker 1: by somebody else, I hate that because you are completely
28:25
Speaker 1: in your right to say I was fucking hurt and
28:29
Speaker 1: I don't want to buy a few anymore, and I
28:31
Speaker 1: learned a lot about myself and this situation will not
28:36
Speaker 1: be happening again, at least not on my time and
28:39
Speaker 1: not to me. The next thing to remember is that
28:43
Speaker 1: it is okay to say that you were hurt and
28:48
Speaker 1: that you were hurting, and that you did get angry
28:52
Speaker 1: and that you are pissed off. You don't have to
28:56
Speaker 1: act indifferent, because sometimes pretending everything's fine, that you never
29:02
Speaker 1: really hurt you and that you're indifferent is kind of
29:05
Speaker 1: ignoring your own emotions and you kind of sweep it
29:08
Speaker 1: under the rug. You don't really address what's going on.
29:11
Speaker 1: You let that person still play a role in your life,
29:14
Speaker 1: and you're kind of in this limbo where you're really
29:16
Speaker 1: really suffering engaging with this person, talking with this person,
29:19
Speaker 1: or replying to them, or seeing them at work, chatting
29:21
Speaker 1: with them, hanging out with all your friends, and deep
29:24
Speaker 1: down you're dying on the inside because you're not actually
29:26
Speaker 1: being honest about your emotions and you're not addressing these things.
29:30
Speaker 1: So I don't think there's anything wrong, Slash. There is
29:35
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with you just calling a spade a spade
29:39
Speaker 1: and saying I am hurt and I don't want to
29:41
Speaker 1: talk to you, and I'm not going to harbor any
29:44
Speaker 1: anger towards you. Or maybe you will, that's fine too,
29:48
Speaker 1: but I'm not gonna you know, you know, target you
29:51
Speaker 1: or anything like that. But I want to step away
29:55
Speaker 1: and I want my own space and distance, putting a
29:59
Speaker 1: bit of space between certain relationships in your life and
30:03
Speaker 1: not feeling like you have to reply, not feeling like
30:05
Speaker 1: you have to talk or even look them in the
30:06
Speaker 1: eye or address them or anything like that. Distance can
30:11
Speaker 1: do a world of wonder on your journey to healing,
30:15
Speaker 1: to the point where then you won't mind seeing them,
30:19
Speaker 1: and then it's up to you if you want to
30:20
Speaker 1: talk to them or not, because there are going to
30:23
Speaker 1: be certain relationships in your life where once the pain
30:26
Speaker 1: has subsided and once the dynamic of the new version
30:29
Speaker 1: of the relationship is established, you can probably have a
30:32
Speaker 1: lot of fun and laugh and think, Okay, I'm going
30:34
Speaker 1: to allow this person in this amount of doses in
30:36
Speaker 1: my life because they're a fucking laugh and I really,
30:39
Speaker 1: you know, I'm over what happened. I've gone on that journey,
30:41
Speaker 1: I've dealt with it, I've grown. And then there's other
30:44
Speaker 1: people that you're going to look back and say, there's
30:46
Speaker 1: not one aspect of you that I miss. There's not
30:49
Speaker 1: one facet of your personality that I crave in my life.
30:54
Speaker 1: I have no need and no desire to have you
30:58
Speaker 1: back in my life. And it's not because I've hurt
31:00
Speaker 1: when I was hurting, because I've healed, and now even healed,
31:04
Speaker 1: I look at you and I have no interest. Okay,
31:07
Speaker 1: So you will only be able to determine that with
31:10
Speaker 1: time and with healing. But one thing that you have
31:14
Speaker 1: to remind yourself off is that you do not have
31:18
Speaker 1: to be the bigger person, if it means impacting your
31:22
Speaker 1: mental health, if it means crossing a boundary, if it
31:24
Speaker 1: means disrespecting yourself in order to be that person, you
31:29
Speaker 1: don't have to do it. And for a lot of
31:32
Speaker 1: those people who are in situations where they were so
31:35
Speaker 1: badly hurt by someone who's awful to them who's come back,
31:39
Speaker 1: you also don't have to feel like you have to
31:43
Speaker 1: allow this person back into your life. Okay, it doesn't
31:47
Speaker 1: matter how lovely they are now, it doesn't matter how
31:50
Speaker 1: much change they've made that's really good for their future relationships.
31:53
Speaker 1: That's genuinely great. But you, by this point hopefully have
31:57
Speaker 1: enough solid relationships in your life that you don't have
31:59
Speaker 1: to be sifting through the trash to resurrect that one. Okay,
32:03
Speaker 1: it's not about being angry, but it's about having no
32:06
Speaker 1: need or desire whatsoever. You can congratulate them on making
32:12
Speaker 1: the change, but you also don't have to welcome them
32:15
Speaker 1: back into your life. There are going to be many
32:18
Speaker 1: relationships in your life that will eventually run their course,
32:21
Speaker 1: whether it's a catastrophic ending because you had a big fight,
32:24
Speaker 1: you were ghosted or whatever, or whether it's something that
32:28
Speaker 1: you know kind of just fell apart because it wasn't great.
32:32
Speaker 1: Now you can choose at what capacity they enter your
32:35
Speaker 1: life again. That is your choice, okay, And don't be
32:41
Speaker 1: pressured by this idea that everyone has to see you
32:44
Speaker 1: as this unemotional person who never really got affected and
32:49
Speaker 1: you don't really care. And it's fine. And now no
32:51
Speaker 1: one's going to think of asycho because I've just keep
32:53
Speaker 1: talking to them and I've let them back in my
32:55
Speaker 1: life and I'm replying to all their things and I'm
32:57
Speaker 1: doing a smile emogi when they flame react my fucking stories.
33:01
Speaker 1: People are going to think what they're going to think.
33:04
Speaker 1: If they think that you're crazy, let them think you're crazy.
33:07
Speaker 1: Your priority here is your peace of mind. If people
33:09
Speaker 1: are like, oh my god, they're holding a grudge, they
33:12
Speaker 1: can think whatever they want to think. At the end
33:13
Speaker 1: of the day, the only person that's in your head
33:16
Speaker 1: is you. So if someone wants to accuse you of
33:18
Speaker 1: holding a grudge, fucking be my guest. Enjoy the show,
33:22
Speaker 1: right Like, if they want to accuse you of not
33:24
Speaker 1: being able to let something go or whatever, fine and
33:29
Speaker 1: once you come to terms with the fact that people
33:31
Speaker 1: are going to say shit, and then if you don't
33:33
Speaker 1: add fuel to the fire by denying or by trying
33:35
Speaker 1: to prove them wrong or by whatever, that fire will
33:38
Speaker 1: die very very quickly. People say shit about other people
33:41
Speaker 1: because they're bored, and because they're bored, they don't stay
33:45
Speaker 1: on a topic for long enough. So as long as
33:47
Speaker 1: you acknowledge, like, yeah, people are going to say a
33:48
Speaker 1: certain thing, but they're not going to stay on topic
33:50
Speaker 1: for too long because I'm going to add fuel to
33:51
Speaker 1: the fire. It is what it is. It's going to come.
33:54
Speaker 1: It may not, but if it does, just hold tight,
33:58
Speaker 1: protect my boundaries, and people were going to get over it. Okay,
34:03
Speaker 1: Hopefully that gave you a little bit of insight. So
34:05
Speaker 1: if you're in one of those positions where you hate
34:07
Speaker 1: that you've allowed someone back into your life, understand that
34:10
Speaker 1: you don't have to if you don't want to. All right,
34:13
Speaker 1: now it's time for the listener question. Okay, So this
34:18
Speaker 1: listener question is actually a little bit in line with
34:22
Speaker 1: today's episode, So let's get straight into it. Hi, alexis
34:26
Speaker 1: long term listener of the party. Your no nonsense BS
34:28
Speaker 1: approach has made a huge difference in my life, and
34:31
Speaker 1: I can't thank you enough for that. I've listened to
34:33
Speaker 1: a number of your podcasts to try and help me
34:35
Speaker 1: with this predicament, but as of yet, I haven't really
34:37
Speaker 1: found an answer and wanted to reach out. A number
34:39
Speaker 1: of years ago, I got married, and to cut a
34:41
Speaker 1: long story short, I had a huge fallout with a
34:43
Speaker 1: friend group and I had to go no contact. I
34:46
Speaker 1: had known some of these people for more than fifteen years.
34:49
Speaker 1: It's true when they say weddings bring out the worst
34:51
Speaker 1: in people. After listening to your podcast, I was able
34:54
Speaker 1: to see how I was the emotional punching bag of
34:57
Speaker 1: the group, always the butt of the joke, and was
34:59
Speaker 1: never tre with the same respect as the others within
35:02
Speaker 1: the group. I always felt as though I was never
35:04
Speaker 1: really liked much and just kept around to allow others
35:07
Speaker 1: to treat me like shit or to make themselves feel better.
35:10
Speaker 1: I had already been distancing myself from this group for
35:13
Speaker 1: a number of years, as I had come to realize
35:16
Speaker 1: their treatment of me and how I always left feeling
35:19
Speaker 1: shit about myself when I would hang out with them.
35:21
Speaker 1: When I started to put in boundaries, stopped being a
35:24
Speaker 1: people pleaser, and pushed back on their poor treatment of me,
35:27
Speaker 1: it became clear that they weren't happy that I wouldn't
35:29
Speaker 1: allow them to treat me as they did before. This
35:32
Speaker 1: led to a lot of tip for tat and sarcastic comments,
35:35
Speaker 1: being deliberately excluded from things, being berated in the group chats,
35:38
Speaker 1: and pretty much made me feel like I was snobby
35:41
Speaker 1: or a stuck up asshole for sticking up for myself. Previously,
35:44
Speaker 1: these girls would have hung our friendship over my head
35:47
Speaker 1: if I didn't compile with what they wanted me to do.
35:49
Speaker 1: For example, when I became friendly with the girl in
35:52
Speaker 1: my new job, I was accused of ditching them and
35:55
Speaker 1: was told to drop the friend or they would drop me. Unfortunately,
35:58
Speaker 1: at this time I dropped the friend as I had
36:01
Speaker 1: a noodle spine. I love that. Fast forward to five
36:04
Speaker 1: years of cutting them out of my life, and everything
36:06
Speaker 1: is great. I have a great life with my husband,
36:08
Speaker 1: a great friends group, and I'm working towards my dream job.
36:12
Speaker 1: I joined a new volleyball club last year and love it. Unfortunately,
36:16
Speaker 1: I've gotten wind that one of the girls I had
36:18
Speaker 1: cut ties with is joining the same club. One week
36:21
Speaker 1: I had to study and missed practice. The following week,
36:24
Speaker 1: someone approached me and said, your friend was here last week,
36:27
Speaker 1: to which I replied who. She went on to talk
36:30
Speaker 1: about that it was one of the girls that I
36:31
Speaker 1: had cut out. I politely said, we haven't been friends
36:34
Speaker 1: since before I got married, but thanks for letting me know.
36:37
Speaker 1: She seemed a little perplexed at my response. I didn't
36:40
Speaker 1: know exactly what she said. She hasn't been back since
36:43
Speaker 1: as the season was pretty much over, but I'm unsettled
36:45
Speaker 1: that she possibly told people we are friends when we aren't.
36:49
Speaker 1: The way she behaved after I got engaged was mind blowing,
36:51
Speaker 1: and as much as I had forgiven her, I don't
36:53
Speaker 1: want her in my life. I haven't had to deal
36:55
Speaker 1: with any of them for five years, so I'm pretty
36:58
Speaker 1: nervous for practice to start up again. So here is
37:01
Speaker 1: my problem. I know this girl will try and talk
37:03
Speaker 1: to me and find out what's been going on in
37:04
Speaker 1: my life, but will use the presence of other people
37:06
Speaker 1: as a guys or like peer pressure as she knows
37:09
Speaker 1: I don't like conflict or drama. I know most people
37:12
Speaker 1: wouldn't want to be approached one to one normally, but
37:15
Speaker 1: I would welcome it. I'd happily tell her to come
37:18
Speaker 1: to the club, but I don't want her to speak
37:19
Speaker 1: to me and have very minimal but civil relationship for
37:22
Speaker 1: the sake of not bringing our personal problems into a
37:24
Speaker 1: sporting setting. I know I cannot stop her from joining
37:27
Speaker 1: the same club, so I'm not wasting my energy on it.
37:30
Speaker 1: All I can control is how I react and conduct myself.
37:32
Speaker 1: I'm not sure on how to navigate the situation, as
37:34
Speaker 1: I honestly have no problem telling her not to speak
37:36
Speaker 1: to me, but I do not want to come across
37:38
Speaker 1: as crazy, randomly defensive, or confrontational person in front of
37:42
Speaker 1: a new group of people. I'm still a new group
37:45
Speaker 1: of people I'm still getting to know. I'm worried if
37:47
Speaker 1: I ignore her or shut down the conversation in front
37:49
Speaker 1: of others, how it's about how it's going to reflect
37:52
Speaker 1: on me. I don't want to look like I'm bringing
37:54
Speaker 1: drama into the club. I know I shouldn't be concerned
37:56
Speaker 1: with what others think, but I'm struggling at the thought
37:58
Speaker 1: of having to say something in front of others. So
38:01
Speaker 1: how do I stop this rotten pumpkin rolling back into
38:04
Speaker 1: my life? I love that you've used that term it's
38:06
Speaker 1: my favorite. Do I try to ignore her slash cross
38:10
Speaker 1: that bridge when I come to it? Do I simply
38:12
Speaker 1: say she's not privy to that info? What do I
38:15
Speaker 1: say if I want to nip it in the budge?
38:17
Speaker 1: Should I be nonchalant or very direct, almost sharp? Or
38:20
Speaker 1: confrontational if she tries to push a conversation with me?
38:23
Speaker 1: Thank you for everything that you do. This is the
38:25
Speaker 1: perfect question for today's episode. And can I just say
38:30
Speaker 1: I recorded the episode and then I went into my
38:34
Speaker 1: inbox of questions and when I saw this one, I
38:36
Speaker 1: was going to do some earlier ones that had been
38:38
Speaker 1: sent through, but I saw this one and I'm like,
38:39
Speaker 1: this is fucking perfect. I have to answer this one
38:41
Speaker 1: for this episode. Now, I think that you have a
38:46
Speaker 1: very very good You're very clued on, and you've got
38:48
Speaker 1: great self awareness about what's going on. You understand that
38:53
Speaker 1: you don't want to be bringing drummer into the club,
38:56
Speaker 1: that's fair enough. You understand that you're more than happy
38:59
Speaker 1: to tell her these on a one on one setting,
39:01
Speaker 1: so you have that confidence to do so. You've got
39:03
Speaker 1: a lot figured out already, which is great. So there's
39:05
Speaker 1: not that much that I have to tell you to
39:07
Speaker 1: do because you've really got your head wrapped around this
39:09
Speaker 1: situation and you're very comfortable with where you are at
39:12
Speaker 1: in your life. You're just in this very awkward situation now,
39:16
Speaker 1: which I believe would be awkward for anyone with any
39:20
Speaker 1: warm blooded fucking individual is going to find that that's
39:23
Speaker 1: going to be a weird at the very least situation.
39:28
Speaker 1: I like to look at these situations as less is more.
39:32
Speaker 1: If you are not that close to everyone in the team, Okay,
39:36
Speaker 1: this is what I personally would do. If I was
39:38
Speaker 1: close with everyone in the team. I would say, look,
39:41
Speaker 1: there's no bad blood now, because, like you said, you
39:44
Speaker 1: don't want to bring drama. There's no bad blood now. However,
39:47
Speaker 1: for many reasons, we stopped being friends five years ago,
39:51
Speaker 1: and I'm very happy with that. I'm happy to be
39:53
Speaker 1: civil with her in the club, absolutely, but I have
39:56
Speaker 1: no interest in being her friend again. That's if you're
39:58
Speaker 1: close with the other people, and it makes sense for
40:00
Speaker 1: you to explain it. But I understand that you might
40:03
Speaker 1: not feel comfortable even saying that because you might not
40:06
Speaker 1: be close enough and you don't want to make it
40:07
Speaker 1: look like you're trying to paint someone with a bad
40:09
Speaker 1: brush you know, and if people don't know you, well,
40:12
Speaker 1: it might come across that way if that is the case.
40:14
Speaker 1: If it's scenario two and that is the case, and
40:18
Speaker 1: you don't want to say anything in the lead up
40:20
Speaker 1: to her coming back to the club, then I would
40:24
Speaker 1: stick to less is more. If she talks, say you know,
40:27
Speaker 1: do the absolute, absolute, absolute bare minimum. And if she
40:31
Speaker 1: asks you questions in front of other people, where it's
40:35
Speaker 1: clear that she's trying to use other people around you
40:39
Speaker 1: as her tool to get you to be talking and
40:41
Speaker 1: to get you to have a conversation and to get
40:43
Speaker 1: you to answer her questions, then this is what I
40:46
Speaker 1: would do. It's slightly bold, but it's really the only
40:49
Speaker 1: way to nip it in the Buttom, for this not
40:50
Speaker 1: to be an issue, I would say, look, I can't
40:53
Speaker 1: talk right now, but would you have a moment to
40:56
Speaker 1: talk with me after, like after the session or to
41:00
Speaker 1: the game or whatever. Fucking hit her between the eyes
41:04
Speaker 1: where she can't run away, and that's when she's going
41:08
Speaker 1: to decide I'm going to have to fuck and have
41:09
Speaker 1: this one on one conversation or I'm just not going
41:11
Speaker 1: to be able to talk to her in front of
41:13
Speaker 1: other people and if she tries to talk, if she
41:15
Speaker 1: doesn't say yep, if she just says oh yeah, but
41:18
Speaker 1: then avoids you and leaves, and then again she tries
41:20
Speaker 1: to start conversations with you in front of other people,
41:23
Speaker 1: say the same thing, maybe you and I can catch
41:25
Speaker 1: up just one on one, Like, don't answer her question,
41:29
Speaker 1: just hit it back with maybe you and I can
41:31
Speaker 1: catch up one on one. Everyone else is going to
41:33
Speaker 1: realize that something is going on there. But you're acting
41:37
Speaker 1: very mature here, and you are giving the opportunity for
41:41
Speaker 1: her to talk to you, just not in front of
41:43
Speaker 1: other people. And then if she agrees, when you talk
41:48
Speaker 1: to her, just say I am very happy with my
41:51
Speaker 1: life after I cut all of you out of my life,
41:53
Speaker 1: and I want to keep it that way. I have
41:54
Speaker 1: no issues being in the same club. I have no
41:57
Speaker 1: issues playing volleyball together. I don't know if it's you're
41:59
Speaker 1: in the same time or not, but regardless, I've no
42:01
Speaker 1: issues with that because I'm very, very comfortable with every
42:04
Speaker 1: aspect of my life. However, I'm not interested in having
42:07
Speaker 1: conversations with you. I'm not interested in being a part
42:09
Speaker 1: of your life, and vice versa. So let's just respect
42:12
Speaker 1: each other in that way and call it a day.
42:14
Speaker 1: That is absolutely what I personally would do in that scenario.
42:18
Speaker 1: I would have no issues doing that. Like I said
42:22
Speaker 1: in the entire episode, you don't have to do that.
42:25
Speaker 1: I'm giving you this advice because you obviously don't want
42:28
Speaker 1: to make it uncomfortable for the rest of the club.
42:30
Speaker 1: You want to find a way to manage what's going
42:34
Speaker 1: on with this dynamic in a setting where you don't
42:37
Speaker 1: want to make it uncomfortable for everyone else. And if
42:39
Speaker 1: that is the case, that is what I do. If
42:41
Speaker 1: you have no issue with other people maybe feeling uncomfortable
42:45
Speaker 1: or maybe feeling that it's awkward, then you could be
42:47
Speaker 1: a bit colder with it. You could just say, right
42:49
Speaker 1: to her face, welcome to the club. I don't actually
42:54
Speaker 1: want to talk to you. But obviously that's not what
42:56
Speaker 1: you want to do, because you literally said in the
42:57
Speaker 1: email that you don't want to make it uncomfortable for
42:59
Speaker 1: other people. So that's what I would do. Don't be
43:01
Speaker 1: answering her questions. Let it be known to her that
43:04
Speaker 1: the only way you guys are going to have a
43:06
Speaker 1: talk is if the two if you speak in private
43:10
Speaker 1: outside after the session or at some other time. That
43:13
Speaker 1: will be the only way. Okay, give her the opportunity
43:19
Speaker 1: and give yourself the opportunity to tell her what's what.
43:22
Speaker 1: If she rejects that more than twice, then I would
43:26
Speaker 1: blatantly just not answer her questions. Because if I've given
43:30
Speaker 1: someone an opportunity on a platter to talk, and I've
43:32
Speaker 1: been very very sincere about that, like, you don't look threatening,
43:39
Speaker 1: I'm not. You're not trying to be attacking, like a
43:42
Speaker 1: sincere invitation to talk, which is where you tell her
43:45
Speaker 1: you don't want to borrow her politely or not politely
43:48
Speaker 1: however you want. If she rejects that twice, then I
43:53
Speaker 1: legitimately would have no problem just literally staring her in
43:57
Speaker 1: the eyes when she asked the question and not replying
44:00
Speaker 1: because it is not your job now to try and
44:02
Speaker 1: reason with the unreasonable. Okay, And it wouldn't be fair
44:08
Speaker 1: if she's rejected your invitations twice but it expects to
44:12
Speaker 1: be answered. That doesn't make sense. This is a two
44:14
Speaker 1: way straight here. You can't ignore both times that you've
44:18
Speaker 1: asked for something and then still ask you questions. So
44:22
Speaker 1: it's either a two way straight or there's no straight
44:24
Speaker 1: at all. Okay, So that is my advice to you.
44:27
Speaker 1: But you seem to have your shit together with this.
44:30
Speaker 1: But if you are, if you are straight down the line,
44:34
Speaker 1: do not waiver, do not pretend nothing. Just keep doing
44:37
Speaker 1: what you're doing about yourself, straight down the line, looking
44:39
Speaker 1: in the eyes, and say let's talk. And then you
44:41
Speaker 1: say it, very very just the what you need to say.
44:45
Speaker 1: No apologies here, I wish this, I wish that. No, no, no, no, no,
44:48
Speaker 1: it's just you keep it to the basics. You see,
44:50
Speaker 1: this is how I feel right now, This is where
44:52
Speaker 1: I'm at. Good on you for joining the club, whatever,
44:54
Speaker 1: but this is how it's going to go. I don't
44:56
Speaker 1: want any interaction with you. I also harbor no hate
44:59
Speaker 1: or anger. I just I have no interest in having
45:01
Speaker 1: you in my life anymore. That's it, okay. And then
45:04
Speaker 1: she can do with that information whatever she pleases to do.
45:07
Speaker 1: She can stay at the club and respect your wishes.
45:10
Speaker 1: She can stay at the club and try and be painful,
45:12
Speaker 1: in which case you'll be ignoring it, or she can leave.
45:15
Speaker 1: So there'll be a whole array of possibilities of how
45:19
Speaker 1: she will react. But that is how I would respond
45:22
Speaker 1: to this situation. Very proud of you for doing what
45:26
Speaker 1: was right for you for cutting people out that obviously
45:28
Speaker 1: weren't treating you well. And this is just a tiny glitch.
45:31
Speaker 1: It's a little bump in the road and it will
45:33
Speaker 1: smooth itself out. Okay, thank you so much for writing in.
45:36
Speaker 1: Thank you everyone for writing in. I've got so many
45:38
Speaker 1: listener questions to go through. It's fucking awesome. And that
45:42
Speaker 1: is all for today's episode. As always, remember be kind
45:45
Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't take shit
45:47
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't
45:51
Speaker 1: care