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Happy Hour #20: Sex Entitlement · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and looking to Stefan
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Never Told You production of I Heart Radio. So it
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: is another Thursday. As this comes out, we don't know
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: when you're listening to it, and that means it is
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: another happy hour, or in this case it is quite
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: an unhappy hour, also an angry hour. Also like ten minutes.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: So there's a lot of caveats within this um that
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: being said, as always with these, and drink responsible if
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: you choose to do so, sugar warning, minor discussion of
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: sexual assault, like really minor, but just to put in there.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: And also I realized that a lot of these I'm
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: always like, hey, you know, you don't have to drink,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: just take a moment to relax with us. And then
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: I also come with all these unhappy hours, so it's
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: more about commiserating, I guess for like a moment where
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: we're connecting, commiserating and you know, perhaps sparking these conversations
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: sometimes relaxing oftentimes not oftentimes not. I don't know. I
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: like it because it does remind me I told you
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: about the thing that I did with my really good
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: friend Anna Conger, sister of Christen Conger, who is uh
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: family to the show as well that we we call
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Bitch and Wine where we just came out and if
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: you were angry, it was some of the best moments
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: and it would be funny but at the same time sad,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: but it was just cathartic and those races, that's exactly
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: what this is. So Samantha, what are you sitting on?
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: So I decided to throw it back to one that
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: we've already made and I really liked, which was the
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Mexican Mule, which our friend, yes she is now officially
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: our friend, Leanna Ferguson's company. Until tequila, I have used
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: that same tequila again with some ginger beer. I put
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: in my hall opinions because I just last icy and
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: I decided it's time for a spicy drink today. And
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Atlanta is kind of hot right now. It is June,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: although rainy, so that's like humid hot but kind of
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: windy all over the place. As this felt it really is.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: This felt appropriate. And I don't have my uh, I
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: don't have a Moscowmule cup. I need to get them,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: so we just discussed so I can keep them nice
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: and cold, but instead I have my coffee tumbler. Okay,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: as a replacement because it insulates it. So I'm hoping
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: it like keeps that same like type of glass and
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: cups that's been used and maybe yeah, yeah, it looks nice. Um.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: So I am drinking on a beer from Orpheus actually Semantham.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: And again we're not sponsored currently by anybody we're talking about,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: and it is called All You Get Is All You Get.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: And I chose it purposefully because it relates to the
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: topic we're talking about today, and so I know I've
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: discussed this with you, Samantha. I can't remember if I
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: talked about it on the show. I purposely. I'm someone
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: who loves a theme. Yes, I love a theme. I
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: love doing things that no one else picks up on.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: And then later I'm like, didn't you realize the pun
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: and that macaroni dish I provided? And they're like, I
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: do that a lot for dungeons and Dragons. So whatever
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: is supposed to happen in the session, or what I
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: think is the general theme of the session, I will
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: make dishes based off of it, and I choose drinks
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: based off of it, and I always bring at least
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: one beer that I think is evocative or captures whatever
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: I'm going for, and no one hardly ever gets it.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: And I can't blame them for it, because why would
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: you be like, ah, the beer is oh you get
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: is all you get? I know what's gonna It's a
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: very silly, silly thing. I love it. But are dungeons
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: and dragon session got pushed. So that is what I'm
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: drinking today. And for today, we are talking about sex entitlement,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: and particularly male sex entitlement, and I'm going to be
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: sharing some personal stories that have happened to people in
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: my life recently. But I have changed some facts just
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: to put that out there. Because I do come from
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: a small town. It would be very easy to figure
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: out who I'm talking about. Probably still not too difficult,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: but just to just so you know, I have changed
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: some things, but the heart of it is there. It's
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: the same. Yes. So this has been something that's really
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: bothered me for a long time, and I know we've
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: talked about it before on the show. Of this whole
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: idea of like you owe people and especially men sex
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  Speaker 1: and if you if you're a woman, you could be
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  Speaker 1: guilted into that or just it can really eat at you.
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  Speaker 1: And that was something that Um and my past relationships,
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: and especially as I've kind of learned like oh, I'm
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: a sexual or something close to it, that I am
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  Speaker 1: not going to be someone who has a lot of
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  Speaker 1: sex and I don't want a lot of sex. But
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: then like my friends who are on my side, but
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: you know, just maybe not as aware of what I'm
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: going through, um how I identify. I would be like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: this person you're with must have so much like blue
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  Speaker 1: balls and they must be so miserable or whatever it is.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: And then me being like, oh God, I'm a terrible
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: girlfriend or or the like, and feeling this guilt and
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: like you owe it to somebody, right. And I know
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: some listeners have written in about being a sexual, and
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: I've said that they've encountered men who have told them
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: that they can fix you. That it's kind of like
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: on the level of conversion therapy, where you just have
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: to have sex, even if it's bad sex. You have
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: to have a lot of sex, even if it hurts,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: maybe even be raped, and you will be hurt and
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: heavy quote scared. Right, And all of this has been
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: on my mind because lately recently my mom, who my
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: dad died about two years ago, now she someone close
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: to her died and it had been ill for about
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: a year, and this woman's husband contacted my mom and
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: was like, you know, I haven't had sex in a year,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: and uh, it's been real health for me. And I
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: would like to I mean, what is your life? What
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: are you doing with your life? Why don't we just
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: have sex because you don't have a man in your
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: life and you must feel so empty all of this
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: stuff that it's like filling me with rage as I'm
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: even talking about it, because this was someone my my
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: mom cared about, and so I I talked to my
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: mom about it and to hear in her voice like
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: she was asking me to you think I sent any signals?
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  Speaker 1: Do you think I did something wrong? And all the stuff,
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: all the stuff I've heard myself say, and it just
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: in furiate. It made me so angry to hear her
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  Speaker 1: just full of doubt over basically just being a human
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: being who is trying to be kind and then having
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: someone tell you that your life is meaningless unless you
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: have a man and you're having sex, and that you
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  Speaker 1: like owe it to this person because they think they've
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: quote been through hell. And by the way, my mom
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: took care of my dad for many many years. It's
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: not a competition, but how dare you come in with
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: one year I've been through. Hell you owe me sex?
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Oh wow? Yeah, it makes me so mad, and it's
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: it's frustrating too, because like she got married really young.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: She got merried to like twenty, and so there are
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: instances where she reaches out to me and it just
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: breaks my heart because I feel like she didn't have
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: what I had, which was kind of this learning time
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: to like learn about yourself and options, and even through
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: this show and even as like society has become more
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: aware of things of like you don't owe men's sex,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: and just to hear her like question, like, I like
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: my life and I don't think it's like having that
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: doubt douche bag, I wanted to have sex? Uh yeah,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: So it made me pretty bad pretty much, but it
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: blind you. That's infuriating and also is someone that you
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: love and care for and are very protectible of. So yeah,
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: and I think that this is one of those instances
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: to where you can When she was talking to me
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: about it, and it was kind of bizarre because this
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: was right when we did had done like the a
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: sexual episode. I had been talking about some of this stuff.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And I can't say how my mom identifies I don't
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: think she's probably even never questioned it, right, But she's
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: told me before she doesn't like to have sex, like
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: it's not a big thing for her, right, And to
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: see it kind of play out where I was, I
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: was giving her advice of like, you're a really nice person,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and I'm a really nice person. And I've had to
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: remove myself from situations entirely and that sucks, but it's
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: because I don't trust myself to speak up for what
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  Speaker 1: I want and to say no, like I don't want
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: to have sex even if you do, and I I
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: would almost I'm scared that I would just give in
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: because I put other people first. And I had to
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: tell her that about myself and and she was like, yes,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: that's the same, that's the same. And it was just
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: heartbreaking because you're like seeing something play out and no.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I was fortunate in many ways that I had this
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: space to figure that out when I was younger, but
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: she didn't really have that space. Well, good for her,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: she has a daughter, as well as the fact that
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: you know, she's kind of able to hopefully live better
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: for that, like live into her what is good for her? Yeah,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: because that's you know, even though it is heartbreaking to
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: actually be able to experience it for a little while,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: being able to be happy in yourself and do as
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: you please. Mm hmm. That's good. Although yeah, I would
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: want to flip the table. Yeah, I want to to.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, and she that has made me. That's something
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: that's made me really happy of the you know, like
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: darkness of losing her husband and everything that came before
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: that is she seems like she's dude, she's pretty happy
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: by herself and she's doing a bunch of stuff and
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: really enjoying it. And I mean, this is a topic
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: for another episode, but it's just in these cases for
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: me specifically, it just infuriates me the whole, like in
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: sickness and in health, and then the sickness comes and
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: in the examples I'm thinking of, the men are like
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: never mind, right, right, or the men who are sick
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: take advantage of that, right. And I do want to
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: stay here, Like we're talking about mostly the male sex
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: utilement and women, but I have spoken to male friends
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: and particularly queer male friends, who have told me about
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: kind of the pressure it puts on them as well
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: of like, if I don't want sex and I don't
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: want heterosexual sex and I don't want it like loudly
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: where everyone knows I want it, then I feel like
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I'm judged or I'm failing or all these other things.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: So again, it's not good for anybody right for anybody
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: right as in fact our next episode, if you're listening
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: to this sequentially, as in like when it comes out,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I want to talk about virginity, and a part of
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: the conversation is it's very blipped, but it is. It's
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: the whole basis of it is toxic masculinity, dangerous, uh,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: patriarchy in the idea that is extreme for both whether
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: you have to be pure for women and for men
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: you have to be hyper sexual or you're not truly men.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: And that push is so damaging in that they're gonna
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: call you out and say, well, you're not a real
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: man unless you've had sex with ten girls. And some
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: of it better be exactly what is seen as porn
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: type of conversations, and it is. It is super super
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: dangerous and toxic beyond anything else. And it's so sad
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: because you're right in this very case, stuff like this
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: it's damaging to everyone everyone. Why can't we just be
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: as we are instead of being a caricature of what
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: we're supposed to be according to heteronormative ideology that shouldn't exist, right, Yeah,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: I mean when you think about it, when you just
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: get to the bare bones of it, we are creating
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: a situation that is dangerous and unhealthy for pretty much everybody.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And I also want to put in here too, this
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: is definitely a topic for a separate episode, but I
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: think that all of this makes it really complicated for
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: women as well. Who wants sex? Yeah, it's a separate episode,
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: but I just feel like there is a tension between
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: being a woman and being vocal about wanting sex and
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: that getting weaponized against you are just like that, We're
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: coming from different understandings a lot of times about what
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: that means for men and women. Yeah, so acknowledging those things.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: But yes, this has been my rage unhappy hour, right
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: and to be fair, like for me specifically, I came
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: from being completely scared of sex, demonizing what sex was coming,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: to oh my god, I want to have sex now
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: what's happening? To being hyper sexual to now being kind
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: of for you, like I'm tired, my body hurt. If
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not in the exact mood, then i might not
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: want to do squat other than cuddling and feeling like
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: my changes throughout my years could be problematic, like I'm
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: worried about am I okay? When it's actually absolutely normal
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: to have off day or normal days, being different in
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: any of those times and trying to talk about that
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: and trying to understand that in your own self, but
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: then seeing all of these like oh, you're supposed to
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: be this, this and this, and then you never change.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: It's so absurd. Yeah, and it is also a dangerous
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: mindset because yeah, you're like, what's wrong with me? What
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: is why? Why am I not what I was ten
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: years ago? M hmm, Yeah, I'll never forget when I
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: did that. We hiked a heel of it, uh two
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: years ago now. We did this exercise where it was like,
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: you know, I promised not to do damn X y
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Z damaging thing or unhelpful thing or unhealthy thing, and
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: one woman said, I promised to stop comparing myself to
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: my younger self, and I was like, yeah, yeah, super smart.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's super smart, because my younger self is like
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: what the hell are you doing now? And my older
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: self was like, what was I thinking then? And it's
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: all totally normal? Well cheers, I guess no. I think
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: it's just a lot to think about and that's a
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: lot to process. And thank you for sharing it with us,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: because yeah, I'm gonna throw punches. Yeah's gonna get punched
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: in the throat. It takes me, like I get angry,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: but it takes me a lot to get to like
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: expressive angry. Right, and I'm there, I am right. Well.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: We hope that you enjoyed listeners or felt something resonate
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: with you, or felt a connection. If you would like
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: to contact us, we would love to hear from you.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Our emails, Stuff Media, mom Stuff, and I Hurt mea
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: dot com. You can find us on Instagram and Stuff
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: I've Never Told You are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Thanks It's always to our super producer, Christina. Thank you Christina,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told You.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Spection about I Heart Radio. For more podcast from I
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