Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Nurturing the Introverted Child: Our Very Special Ducks | Ep. 59

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Nurturing the Introverted Child: Our Very Special Ducks | Ep. 59 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hi, and welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:10
  I'm Cheryl Lang, and I'm your host, and I'm glad you're here.
• 0:15
  You know, there's an old saying still, waters run deep.
• 0:19
  And actually those are kind of the waters we're sort of stepping into today because we're talking about.
• 0:26
  Parenting our introverted children who sometimes seem to require a little more focused effort in order to mine the riches that they're gifted with.
• 0:36
  You know, it was an interesting conclusion for me that I came to while we were processing, I think in a lot of cases, that that extra effort actually helps sharpen our skills to become better parents.
• 0:50
  All right, listen in as Dane Christie and Ellen join.
• 0:54
  As we discussed some practical ideas and the reality of nurturing the introverted child.
• 1:10
  Cheryl: Hi you all.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: Hello.
• 1:12
  Cheryl: I was
• 1:12
  Danae: gonna say good morning, but here we are in the afternoon
• 1:16
  Cheryl: Oh, my son is on the ground in Atlanta.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Is so exciting.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: Yeah, so, so listeners, if you dunno, my older son, Alex lives in Mumbai, India.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: I'm so excited.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: To have him here.
• 1:29
  Cheryl: And then my niece's wedding is this weekend, so mm-hmm.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: you know, all the family's gonna go down to that.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: How fun.
• 1:35
  Ellen: And he's just coming by himself,
• 1:36
  Cheryl: right?
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Which means hopefully he and I just have time.
• 1:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: just, just enjoy our friendship.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:43
  Danae: Think I'm hearing you say it's, I get him all, all to my, myself,
• 1:48
  Cheryl: you know, and that's not the healthy way to live all the time.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: But it's really like dessert.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: Oh, how about that?
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: It's really the dessert that we can be such good friends and then have dessert occasionally.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Just, you know, I'll eat the whole carton of ice cream.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: Don't worry about the calories.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: No, that's so fun..
• 2:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: All right.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: So this is the follow up in a series that we're doing on introversion and extroversion.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: And so today we're gonna have the joy of talking about nurturing the child who gathers their energy from inside of them, which in society we.
• 2:25
  Cheryl: Introverted.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 2:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 2:27
  Danae: Whenever I think about introverts, I think about my oldest daughter, and she's definitely an introvert.
• 2:36
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 2:37
  Danae: In her high school years, she was in an English class and the teacher assigned an animal to every child, which I thought was unusual.
• 2:46
  Danae: Okay.
• 2:47
  Danae: But, and then describe why he chose that animal for them.
• 2:52
  Danae: So hers was a duck and how she looked like she was just gliding on the water without any, But underneath the water, she is paddling with every ounce of energy, and I have never forgotten that about her.
• 3:10
  Danae: And then also for the other introverts in my life, I see that even though on the outside they may look like, you know, they're not, Hard con, cool, collected, but you never know what's going on in the inside.
• 3:23
  Danae: Yeah.
• 3:23
  Christie: I feel like in this room, I'm probably the closest to a resident introvert.
• 3:29
  Christie: So I have to say I agree with that.
• 3:31
  Christie: Like people will say things to me that I'm like, oh, I'm glad that's your perception of me.
• 3:35
  Christie: But inside I'm thinking something completely different.
• 3:38
  Christie: I'm having a panic attack.
• 3:41
  Christie: We're just counting down the minutes till this conversation's over.
• 3:44
  Christie: Sure.
• 3:44
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:45
  Danae: When's the extrovert going away?
• 3:47
  Danae: Right, right.
• 3:48
  Danae: Christie, um, what are some of the phrases, some of the things over the years that people have said to you?
• 3:54
  Christie: Well, I think good and bad, I've heard a lot of, oh, you're, you're so wise to, you know, sit and listen and then, but also, That I didn't like them or that I was kind of snobby, or they thought I was too good to talk to them.
• 4:09
  Christie: Wow.
• 4:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:10
  Christie: That's hurtful.
• 4:10
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:11
  Christie: And you know, like I said, it's people's perception.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: You know, and so this is the opposite of what we talked about last week.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: because we said, Those of us that are extroverts.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: that we felt like we were too much.
• 4:23
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: And we were told, you're too much.
• 4:25
  Cheryl: You're too much.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: Calm down.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: And then look at this.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: you know, some kind of thinking as human beings we're a mess.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: whatever.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: Signs where, and it's interesting because when you look at how it divides, It feels maybe like they're a lot more extroverts.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: because they make a lot of making they Right.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: But actually it's 50 50.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: And so God created people either introvert or extrovert.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: and some mixture.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: And you usually
• 4:57
  Ellen: marry.
• 4:58
  Ellen: The opposite.
• 4:59
  Ellen: right?
• 4:59
  Ellen: That's your best friend is the opposite.
• 5:02
  Ellen: Or you know, the people you get along with well sometimes are completely the opposite.
• 5:06
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:06
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:07
  Christie: your family, your children.
• 5:08
  Christie: Maybe half and half.
• 5:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:10
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:10
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:11
  Danae: It's interesting to think about, uh, when I.
• 5:13
  Danae: Talked about my family, you know, being an extrovert is that my two brothers and both of my parents were introverts.
• 5:19
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 5:19
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:19
  Danae: And so I think whatever way it is, that's where things can, can seem a little, uh, complicated.
• 5:26
  Danae: You know, for a child that may be the only one.
• 5:29
  Christie: Right.
• 5:29
  Christie: Well, and without a certain amount of self-awareness, we can feel very excluded and inferior on either side.
• 5:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:36
  Christie: Right.
• 5:37
  Christie: You feel so other.
• 5:38
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:38
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:38
  Ellen: Cuz I know in my family, they.
• 5:40
  Ellen: Me as an extrovert feel kind of bad because I was always talking, but then they made my introverted sister feel bad because she was shy.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 5:49
  Cheryl: So yeah.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: See, its mm-hmm.
• 5:51
  Cheryl: There isn't this nice.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: Fix it everything.
• 5:54
  Cheryl: And it was really interesting as we're talking about introversion, um, I think because extroverts are out there, mm.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: It's a maybe understood or seen at least.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: And what you're talking about, I think of those duck paddling feet.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: Um, an article I read about nurturing our introverted children had this to say, and I thought it was so insightful Introverts tend to have a nervous system that generally reacts more to what is going around them, so they actually feel more comfortable when less is happening.
• 6:27
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Oh, and see that's a flip of what I would've thought.
• 6:31
  Danae: Yes.
• 6:31
  Danae: Like the duck analogy.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: Left to myself I would have presumed that they just mm-hmm.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: care less than an extrovert.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: But actually scientists found out they're really actually more sensitive.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: and so they're bombarded more.
• 6:48
  Ellen: My introverted son had was probably six or seven.
• 6:52
  Ellen: He came in one morning and he crawled in bed with me and I said, what's the matter he.
• 6:58
  Ellen: This family, it's so noisy.
• 7:03
  Danae: like,
• 7:03
  Christie: oh, sorry, Yeah.
• 7:06
  Christie: Well that really resonates with me as an introverted, um, person in general.
• 7:12
  Christie: The more energy that's going on, the more introverted I become.
• 7:15
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:16
  Christie: you know, if I'm in a one-on-one conversation with someone.
• 7:20
  Christie: A true through and through introvert, I tend to bring the energy and be the one to lead the conversation.
• 7:26
  Christie: But if I'm in a group of a lot of energy mm-hmm.
• 7:29
  Christie: that's when I start.
• 7:30
  Christie: Retracting sense.
• 7:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:32
  Christie: Like you're talking about Cheryl, with this comfort
• 7:34
  Cheryl: level.
• 7:34
  Cheryl: And so before we get talking all of this, I want to reiterate this.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: that it's really energy giving and, and taking and receiving rather than liking people, not liking people, liking to talk, not liking to talk, it's
• 7:49
  Danae: being shy or not being shy.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: It's completely an energy issue.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: And that actually, I think it has to do with, um, the physics term of inertia that you know, and here we go for tpp, physics lesson vocabulary, word for the name, The rule about inertia in thermodynamics is things that are moving tend to keep moving.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: And so I think we can say that's an extrovert.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: They get going and they just keep on going Mm-hmm They don't have to bring the energy to do that as much.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: And the other counter truth is in inertia that things at rest tend to stay at rest.
• 8:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: And so I think that's maybe the energy gatherers that the introvert has to work on that.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: I just thought that was an
• 8:35
  Christie: interesting life.
• 8:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:36
  Christie: I like what you said about it not being that you don't like.
• 8:38
  Christie: People, I love people.
• 8:40
  Christie: I just would prefer to read books about them, documentaries about
• 8:44
  Danae: them.
• 8:45
  Danae: Yes.
• 8:46
  Danae: One of my introverted daughters has a shirt and it has, uh, three little cats with, you know, funny looking faces, and at the bottom it says, EW people And I think she would say the same thing.
• 8:58
  Danae: It's not that she.
• 8:59
  Danae: Absolutely love people.
• 9:01
  Danae: It's just they can, you know, they can be high maintenance.
• 9:04
  Danae: And they drain your energy, like drain your energy.
• 9:06
  Danae: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:07
  Danae: Like her batteries are charged for only so long.
• 9:10
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 9:10
  Danae: And so she and I have started this language of kind of like, She'll say, Hey mom, I just need to go charge my batteries.
• 9:16
  Danae: I love that.
• 9:17
  Danae: You like which to get.
• 9:18
  Danae: And then I question, you know, what are you needing?
• 9:21
  Danae: Are you upset?
• 9:21
  Danae: Are you mad?
• 9:22
  Danae: Right?
• 9:22
  Danae: Did I do something wrong?
• 9:24
  Danae: Or did something happen at work?
• 9:25
  Christie: Completely
• 9:26
  Danae: neutral.
• 9:26
  Danae: It's not, yeah.
• 9:27
  Danae: Oh my guess, mom, my, my batteries need to be charge awesome.
• 9:30
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 9:30
  Danae: you know,
• 9:32
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: So what would y'all say are the strengths of being an introverted personality?
• 9:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:41
  Cheryl: what would y'all say?
• 9:41
  Cheryl: Some of the strengths they bring to us, to your family, to society.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:46
  Christie: I think they're really observant.
• 9:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:48
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:48
  Christie: that's true.
• 9:49
  Christie: And, and which can lead to being somewhat objective.
• 9:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:52
  Danae: you know, they're saying the big picture a lot of times because they're not just talking and talking
• 9:57
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:58
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:59
  Ellen: They're calming.
• 10:00
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:01
  Ellen: most, most introverts are calming for as an extrovert.
• 10:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:04
  Ellen: is sometimes nice.
• 10:05
  Ellen: My husband's an introvert is nice.
• 10:08
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:08
  Ellen: he's nice and calm and mm-hmm.
• 10:10
  Ellen: you know, so then it kind of brings my energy level to a good place.
• 10:14
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: brings it back in.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: One of the things I think, When I think of my friends or my children that are introverts is they do a better job maybe at prioritizing or bringing this calming influence, whereas an extrovert tends to, well, we don't have to prioritize, we'll get it all done, or mm-hmm.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: they tend to go so fast.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: And, and the it that calming feeling.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: Of let's slow down.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Let's look at this.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: Let's think about it.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: And tend to prioritize a little better maybe than I would say some of the extroverts
• 10:47
  Christie: I have.
• 10:48
  Christie: And I think that prioritizing helps in conflict too.
• 10:51
  Christie: They, they choose their battles better where they, they might decide this isn't really worth a fight and mm-hmm.
• 10:58
  Danae: Might be slower to speak.
• 11:00
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: You know, proverb says, I know even a fool's considered wise mouth shut.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: I've proven myself to be full too many times.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: Um, okay, we've mentioned a little bit strengths.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: but let's focus a little bit.
• 11:14
  Cheryl: What are some struggles you would say that maybe our introverted children might have?
• 11:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:18
  Danae: Yeah, I would say, uh, That my introverted children can be quick to feel left out.
• 11:25
  Danae: Yeah.
• 11:26
  Danae: Yes.
• 11:26
  Danae: Good.
• 11:26
  Danae: You know, they get overlooked.
• 11:28
  Danae: Their voice doesn't matter.
• 11:31
  Danae: Everyone else, you know, talks so much and has so many opinions.
• 11:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:36
  Ellen: And they can be critical because of that.
• 11:37
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:38
  Ellen: You know, cuz sometimes it comes out of maybe the herd of feeling left out or they genuinely feel that way.
• 11:44
  Ellen: Uh, do not wanna hang out with all.
• 11:46
  Ellen: Loud, boisterous people right now.
• 11:48
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:48
  Ellen: They're too, they're too
• 11:49
  Christie: much.
• 11:50
  Christie: And that can lead to some bitterness.
• 11:52
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 11:53
  Christie: holding a grudge because they're always repeatedly overlooked
• 11:56
  Cheryl: here.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: And sort of.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: If y'all had just listened to me, nobody was listening to my voice.
• 12:06
  Danae: is that Cheryl pretending to be an introvert?
• 12:09
  Cheryl: No.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: But I've heard it from my children.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: And this feeling of being invisible or not counting either in a negative, dark way, feeding into it, or just sitting there going, Uhha, you failed.
• 12:24
  Cheryl: You went too fast.
• 12:25
  Ellen: Need to cautious that coming as I sat here judging you.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: And what we want to do is to walk with our children with their strengths and then strengthen up their weaknesses as we look at this.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: So what are some things y'all would see?
• 12:42
  Cheryl: That you would say, let's bring this to the table to help nurture our precious introverts.
• 12:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:48
  Christie: Well, one thing that I hadn't really thought of, but you saying that is that we.
• 12:52
  Christie: We almost have to work harder to be a student of our introverts.
• 12:55
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:55
  Christie: To really know what's behind.
• 12:57
  Christie: Cuz we've said it already, that on the outside they may look very compliant wise, you know, sweet.
• 13:04
  Christie: But behind it, there may be an unspoken darkness that we are not even aware of.
• 13:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: I live this because we had extreme extroverts and the introverts were fairly mild, but they were introverts.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: The problem is I knew where my extroverts were.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: I knew what they were thinking about.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: I could see their weakness.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: You knew where they
• 13:26
  Danae: were playing in the yard.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: without a mugging, but it was more visible.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: and I always felt, particularly with one of mine, This depth of, I didn't know who they were and it made me a better parent because, um, it took me a while because the squeaky wheels got so much of the oil.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: And I had to slow down and really try to become a good student.
• 13:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:55
  Cheryl: and wait and realize.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: When they get ready to open up, I need to let my agenda go.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: and focus, and that is good parenting in waiting and being patient and not drumming my fingers on the table waiting but lovingly.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: And then listen and be willing Mm-hmm.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: and just absorb from them, right?
• 14:18
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:18
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:18
  Danae: I'm really glad we're talking about this because what I heard you say is we need to be able to have the margin and the time to really listen to those.
• 14:28
  Danae: Introverts who are slower processors.
• 14:31
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 14:31
  Danae: I don't know if we've mentioned that yet, but I think it's, it's not that they don't have opinions or that they're not caring or capable.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:40
  Cheryl: It's not an intellectual thing.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: No,
• 14:42
  Danae: no, no.
• 14:42
  Danae: It's that it just takes a little longer.
• 14:44
  Danae: They just take a lot, you know, some introverts just take longer to to know how they feel and to know how they think.
• 14:50
  Danae: And if we're just.
• 14:51
  Danae: So busy, busy, busy in our lives, and we don't take the time to sit with them and to sit in some quiet Yes.
• 14:59
  Danae: And they may never get a chance
• 15:01
  Christie: to talk.
• 15:02
  Christie: Right.
• 15:02
  Christie: Well, especially for an extroverted parent, it can feel very long, long, quiet and pointless to sit and do a puzzle together for an hour.
• 15:13
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:13
  Christie: And then maybe.
• 15:15
  Christie: 30 seconds.
• 15:16
  Christie: You get one insightful statement, Yeah.
• 15:17
  Christie: It's an introvert.
• 15:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:19
  Christie: It just takes a long time to get into their world.
• 15:22
  Christie: But it's worth it.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:24
  Cheryl: Because
• 15:24
  Danae: we love these children.
• 15:25
  Danae: It's completely worth it.
• 15:26
  Danae: I think when they do talk, then I know.
• 15:28
  Danae: Uh, yeah, both, both that I'm thinking of.
• 15:31
  Danae: It's like once they've sat with their thoughts and their feelings and they're ready to open up, sometimes it's like a whole book for, and it's.
• 15:40
  Danae: Amazing.
• 15:41
  Danae: And
• 15:41
  Ellen: they're usually heavier feelings,
• 15:42
  Danae: right?
• 15:43
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:43
  Danae: What a gift though.
• 15:45
  Danae: Really.
• 15:45
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:45
  Danae: You know?
• 15:45
  Danae: But we've gotta have the time for it.
• 15:47
  Danae: Yes.
• 15:47
  Ellen: I know, um, my sister was an introvert, but my parents always labeled her a shot.
• 15:53
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:54
  Ellen: Like, and I think that kind of did damage.
• 15:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:56
  Ellen: Because actually when you got to know her, she always had lots of friends.
• 16:00
  Ellen: She was.
• 16:01
  Ellen: A horseback riding person.
• 16:02
  Ellen: She was in, you know, rodeos and stuff like that.
• 16:05
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 16:06
  Ellen: and, um, so she wasn't really shy, whatever that means.
• 16:10
  Ellen: She was just introverted.
• 16:11
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 16:12
  Ellen: And she was quiet about her feelings, and
• 16:14
  Cheryl: I've been guilty.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: In the.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: Of making that assumption.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: That if someone's quieter mm-hmm.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: or an introverted personality, that it was the same as being shy.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: but.
• 16:26
  Cheryl: I'm so thankful God slowed me down some with my children to realize the two were not equal.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: And in fact, I had extremely extroverted children in my family that were actually shy.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: So it's just maybe for different reasons.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: so
• 16:43
  Christie: would you say shyness is kind of connected to fear or intimidation of by people where introversion is how they prefer to operate.
• 16:52
  Christie: It's
• 16:52
  Cheryl: how they're wired.
• 16:53
  Danae: Oh yeah.
• 16:53
  Danae: That makes
• 16:53
  Christie: sense.
• 16:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:55
  Cheryl: Yeah, I think so.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:56
  Ellen: you can be an introvert and not be shy.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Right Or just social.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: They're shy socially.
• 17:01
  Danae: Yeah.
• 17:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 17:02
  Ellen: Well, I think with introverts, as being less.
• 17:05
  Ellen: Self revelatory, not revealing as much about yourself.
• 17:09
  Ellen: mm-hmm.
• 17:10
  Ellen: Not wanting to let a wall down to let you hear who they really are, Mm-hmm.
• 17:15
  Ellen: also sometimes we have to help them identify their feelings.
• 17:18
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:19
  Ellen: an extrovert, wears them on their sleeve.
• 17:21
  Ellen: They know in they're happy, sad matter, whatever.
• 17:24
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:24
  Ellen: but sometimes an introverted child, doesn't always really know what they're feeling.
• 17:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:29
  Ellen: or the word for it or how to identify it.
• 17:32
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Ellen: because it's sometimes, well, actually I think you got your feelings hurt or you're feeling angry right now.
• 17:37
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:38
  Ellen: that's why you're responding that way.
• 17:40
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: You know, Alan, I wonder if it's back to one of you, what you said, that they take a longer time, more methodical.
• 17:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:49
  Cheryl: in their processing that the problem is if life is moving so fast, right?
• 17:55
  Cheryl: They're processing about how they felt that we're not gonna be able to eat Grandma for a supper tonight and everybody else is moved.
• 18:05
  Cheryl: Everybody else move on to what movie are we gonna watch?
• 18:08
  Cheryl: Are we gonna go to bed?
• 18:09
  Cheryl: And again, it's has nothing to do with capacity or intelligence.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: No.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: It is the methodical processing.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: and life moves on well, and I think
• 18:19
  Christie: introverts are already assessing everyone else's emotional state and they themselves.
• 18:25
  Christie: Are a person.
• 18:26
  Christie: Right.
• 18:26
  Christie: So to get to know yourself is another person to get to know.
• 18:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:31
  Christie: And so that, I think that's why introspection can be challenging for
• 18:34
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:34
  Danae: I think that's a skill set that we can give to our children.
• 18:39
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 18:39
  Danae: you know, to help them identify their emotions, give them some time mm-hmm.
• 18:44
  Danae: to process.
• 18:45
  Danae: Those, you know, there's emotion vocabulary.
• 18:47
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:48
  Danae: There's emotion wheels right now.
• 18:49
  Danae: I, I think I've mentioned in the past, I have an emotion wheel pillow.
• 18:52
  Danae: I, you know, I love that.
• 18:54
  Danae: Now my children have them.
• 18:55
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Danae: Um, you know, to help them think about how they feel mm-hmm.
• 19:00
  Danae: and how to express it.
• 19:01
  Danae: Well, and
• 19:01
  Ellen: again, it just goes back, giving them words mm-hmm.
• 19:04
  Ellen: because that's the hardest.
• 19:05
  Ellen: Because even as an extrovert, if you don't have the words for what you're feeling, you know, you're just feeling everything.
• 19:11
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:12
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: So, and I do want us to do a.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: On mm-hmm.
• 19:15
  Cheryl: Emotional intelligence.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: Oh, I'd love that.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Cheryl: Okay., one of the things that I've noticed, um, with my.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: Introverted children, sometimes they seem more tired.
• 19:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:29
  Cheryl: and as an extrovert who can pull the energy from the outside.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: I was concerned, is there something wrong with them?
• 19:36
  Cheryl: Are they physically sick?
• 19:38
  Cheryl: And now I wonder if a lot of it is, it's.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: maybe We're all wearing them out, all this deep processing and all of this depth and that those feet going underneath the water.
• 19:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: is tiring and it's not physical tired.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: It's emotionally tiring.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:55
  Danae: I'm laughing because I know I've.
• 19:58
  Danae: Done that to my children, you know, and I'm, I'm wondering if we need to have, you know, some more, uh, talking about that, about like, me as an extroverted mom with my introverted children and Oh, yeah.
• 20:10
  Danae: And or an
• 20:11
  Christie: introverted mom.
• 20:11
  Christie: An introverted mom with extroverted children.
• 20:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:13
  Danae: Introverted parents with, introverted children oh,
• 20:16
  Cheryl: okay.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: So, yeah, let's do that.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: Because the one I really hear from are a lot of introverted parents saying, What y'all say on TPP sounds wonderful.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: Or what you say about talking with, your children or mm-hmm.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: all of these social skills, all of this makes me so tired.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: So let's look at it.
• 20:38
  Cheryl: Let's do an episode about, Those parents rather than what the kids are.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: And
• 20:44
  Ellen: kids were home.
• 20:45
  Ellen: If we had a lot of stuff going on, I made it a practice that everybody got some downtime.
• 20:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:50
  Ellen: both introverts and
• 20:51
  Cheryl: extroverts.
• 20:51
  Ellen: So the extroverts got some time to go.
• 20:54
  Ellen: It's quiet.
• 20:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:55
  Ellen: the introverts got to catch their breath and go, oh, it's quiet.
• 20:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:59
  Ellen: Mom got to take a nap.
• 21:00
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:01
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:01
  Ellen: and, um, I, I don't know if my adult kids do that, but I should ask them that.
• 21:05
  Ellen: But it was a really important practice.
• 21:08
  Ellen: Four extroverts and introverts.
• 21:10
  Danae: Everybody got a break.
• 21:11
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:11
  Danae: That's a great thing to do.
• 21:13
  Danae: Even after school.
• 21:14
  Danae: Yes.
• 21:15
  Danae: Whatever time right after school, they've had so much stimulation to come home and.
• 21:20
  Ellen: Well, you know, another thing especially with, um, introverted children giving them kind of gentle nudges to mm-hmm.
• 21:27
  Ellen: to do new things.
• 21:28
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:28
  Ellen: like when our kids were around 10, we started saying, I'm gonna sit in the car and you're gonna go into seven 11 and here's, you know,$5.
• 21:36
  Ellen: Go in and get whatever it is we're supposed to get.
• 21:39
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:39
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:39
  Ellen: I'm sitting in the car, I can see them.
• 21:40
  Ellen: They're fine.
• 21:41
  Ellen: But for an introvert that was like, Asking them to walk off of a really long bridge
• 21:47
  Danae: but it's a life skill.
• 21:49
  Ellen: It is.
• 21:50
  Ellen: And so I let them pay for things.
• 21:52
  Ellen: I let them go in the bank and start learning how to handle banking.
• 21:56
  Ellen: So just baby steps, right?
• 21:57
  Ellen: Little baby steps that you know, and then they got a little confident.
• 22:01
  Ellen: My kids were all really close.
• 22:02
  Ellen: So usually the introverts wanted to bring the extrovert kid, no, they've gotta stay You go and try that on your own.
• 22:09
  Ellen: And I think that
• 22:11
  Christie: helped.
• 22:11
  Christie: But in the beginning, they may need the sometimes support.
• 22:14
  Christie: I remember one time I took all the girls and we were at Brams and um, there was an older man there who was a veteran and, and.
• 22:24
  Christie: Gotten in the practice of thinking people when we knew that they were veterans for their service and, and so I said, let's go and talk to this man over here.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: yes.
• 22:32
  Christie: My introverts were just like horrified at the thought, but going together so we shook hands with him and he, it was so sweet.
• 22:40
  Christie: He gave this like whole cultural talk on how to shake hands and, and started actually doing some of my parenting for me talking to my kids about That's great that you're learning to shake hands and introduce yourself.
• 22:52
  Christie: Look at that.
• 22:54
  Christie: That's very good.
• 22:55
  Christie: Yeah, that's good.
• 22:55
  Christie: Um, that he stepped in and did that, but yeah, they just need a little help.
• 22:59
  Christie: Sometimes they do.
• 23:00
  Christie: To have
• 23:01
  Danae: someone around them.
• 23:02
  Danae: I love that, you know, to begin modeling first.
• 23:05
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 23:06
  Danae: you know, and then you start slowly, you know, Asking them to do things by themselves.
• 23:12
  Danae: Okay.
• 23:12
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Danae: And I think another life skill is, is making sure your children know how to stand up for themselves.
• 23:20
  Danae: Yes.
• 23:20
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:20
  Danae: You know, to have the, to be able to say no, to be able to say yes.
• 23:25
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:25
  Danae: Um, helping them be independent.
• 23:28
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 23:28
  Danae: setting
• 23:29
  Ellen: boundaries.
• 23:29
  Ellen: Yes.
• 23:30
  Ellen: You know, walking through boundaries with them.
• 23:32
  Ellen: That's okay that is so hard for It is many introverted.
• 23:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: giving Opportunities to step into little things.
• 23:39
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 23:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: Because the tendency for Those of us that are extroverts.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: is to go step up there, go up, get the speech right.
• 23:47
  Cheryl: But just little things.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: You know, so I would encourage.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Whatever their temperament to help them little bit by little bit like we talk about.
• 23:56
  Christie: Well, and eventually they have to be adults on their own and they handle some of these things.
• 24:00
  Christie: My, one of my girls very introverted and I mean, she was introverted and shy.
• 24:05
  Christie: We talked about the difference.
• 24:06
  Christie: She was very shy too.
• 24:07
  Christie: And she would be the one that would hide behind my leg with a name and now she lives on her own and recently had.
• 24:14
  Christie: Enter into some conflict in a businesslike manner.
• 24:17
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 24:17
  Christie: but she was able to confidently, you know, speak well and engage and I was like, oh, she, she made it But you're right, it took a lot of coaching through the
• 24:28
  Danae: years.
• 24:28
  Danae: Yeah.
• 24:28
  Danae: We can't just expect them to just get it mm-hmm.
• 24:31
  Danae: Right.
• 24:31
  Danae: You know,
• 24:32
  Cheryl: well, particularly being willing to say no.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: because I remember, like I said, I'd extremely strong extrover.
• 24:40
  Cheryl: In the mix and then everything else looks mild.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: I look introverted compared to it.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: Okay, but it was hard, y'all, how to figure out how to say you don't have to give your cookie up.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: You can make a decision.
• 24:57
  Cheryl: You can voice yourself.
• 24:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:59
  Cheryl: when it looks very unselfish.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: you know mm-hmm.
• 25:03
  Cheryl: that to how to help them have that voice mm-hmm.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: I found myself, that I had to learn to figure out how to equip mm-hmm.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: to say no.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: So
• 25:14
  Danae: here's a new phrase.
• 25:15
  Danae: You have voice and you have.
• 25:18
  Danae: So use your voice to make your choice.
• 25:22
  Danae: I like so voice and choice.
• 25:23
  Danae: Very good.
• 25:23
  Danae: That is
• 25:24
  Christie: good.
• 25:24
  Christie: I like that a lot.
• 25:25
  Christie: Very good.
• 25:25
  Christie: Well, and the real challenge here becomes, you know, when you're encouraging the introvert to do one thing, but the extrovert, You might have to hold back a little bit.
• 25:35
  Christie: It, you know, that's not fair that you said that she could, you know, it gets really tricky that we parent differently for different children.
• 25:43
  Ellen: And also I, I may have mentioned this but for me, I sometimes took advantage of my introverted children cuz they always said yes.
• 25:51
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 25:52
  Christie: You know, if I needed someone to do, you knew they wouldn't argue
• 25:54
  Danae: like sweep
• 25:55
  Ellen: the floor and I knew the other kid would gimme a hard time.
• 25:58
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 25:58
  Ellen: And I've apologized to my particularly, Introverted daughter like I am, sorry.
• 26:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 26:04
  Ellen: A lot of times I just asked you to do things right because I knew you wouldn't give me a hard time.
• 26:08
  Ellen: Or the
• 26:09
  Christie: flip side, I've enabled my introvert because I knew my extrovert could go in and buy the milk a lot, you know?
• 26:14
  Christie: She wouldn't argue, and so then the introvert never got the opportunity.
• 26:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:17
  Christie: So
• 26:18
  Danae: yeah.
• 26:18
  Danae: It's hard not to just choose the easier path.
• 26:21
  Danae: Busy hard days.
• 26:22
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:22
  Ellen: You just want it easy.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: So what I hear you saying is we as parents have to have margin.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: always because we can't do everything.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: cause what we're talking about is a full-time job.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:37
  Cheryl: To be able to do this.
• 26:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:38
  Cheryl: So we don't wanna discourage any parents listening.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: But we have to have margin to prioritize what's important.
• 26:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:47
  Cheryl: because we just can't do all of this.
• 26:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:49
  Cheryl: And there's
• 26:49
  Christie: gonna be days to be intentional and there's gonna be days to just send the extrovert.
• 26:53
  Christie: You just
• 26:56
  Cheryl: you know,
• 26:57
  Ellen: lay down on the sofa for a while.
• 26:59
  Cheryl: Well this is really great.
• 27:00
  Cheryl: Our time's almost over.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: So anything else you wanted to bring into this?
• 27:06
  Ellen: Well,
• 27:06
  Danae: don't
• 27:07
  Ellen: expect if you're an extrovert mom, that your introverted kid all of a sudden is just gonna go, I wanna meet everyone.
• 27:13
  Ellen: True.
• 27:14
  Ellen: We are not trying to make our introverts extroverts, right.
• 27:18
  Ellen: We're, we're trying to teach'em skills, things that will make them able to, you know, communicate clearly.
• 27:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:25
  Ellen: so they can do the things that they wanna do.
• 27:27
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 27:27
  Ellen: But we're not trying to make them extra.
• 27:29
  Danae: I
• 27:29
  Cheryl: right.
• 27:30
  Ellen: Right.
• 27:30
  Danae: You know, it's balance.
• 27:32
  Danae: Always the goal in front of us that we talk about is what is our role, and it's to help our children become healthy functioning adults.
• 27:39
  Danae: You know?
• 27:40
  Danae: And so if in general, right, if we can be characterized by helping our introverts, you know, in this way
• 27:47
  Cheryl: mm-hmm.
• 27:48
  Cheryl: Right?
• 27:48
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:49
  Christie: And celebrate their strengths And help them through their weaknesses.
• 27:52
  Christie: Yes.
• 27:52
  Christie: They're not inferior.
• 27:53
  Christie: They have, they have gifts they have to offer that
• 27:56
  Cheryl: they're heard and.
• 27:58
  Cheryl: and then we are equipping them.
• 27:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:00
  Cheryl: That's what we wanna do, right?
• 28:02
  Cheryl: They're valued.
• 28:03
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 28:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:04
  Cheryl: that's what it's all about.
• 28:05
  Cheryl: Right?
• 28:05
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 28:06
  Cheryl: mm-hmm.
• 28:07
  Cheryl: and we want them to be who God created them to be.
• 28:10
  Cheryl: Right?
• 28:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 28:12
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 28:12
  Cheryl: mm-hmm.
• 28:13
  Cheryl: You know, that's why listeners, we wrap everything up saying, remember, hang in there.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: Keep loving your introverts.
• 28:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:24
  Cheryl: and you're extroverts.
• 28:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:25
  Cheryl: keep persevering because it's worth it, So glad you could join us today.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: I like that expression.
• 28:39
  Cheryl: Use your voice to show your choice.
• 28:42
  Cheryl: I think that empowers our children.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: Whatever their temperament.
• 28:47
  Cheryl: So what's a specific tool you found helpful as you parent your introverts?
• 28:52
  Cheryl: Would you share it with us on social media?
• 28:56
  Cheryl: Text us contact at the parenting podcast dot.
• 29:01
  Cheryl: Or go to our website next time.
• 29:04
  Cheryl: You'll wanna listen in because we talk about the superpowers of the introverted peer.
• 29:09
  Cheryl: And as always, remember at The Parenting Podcast, we're here to help you flourish and to bring your heart hope.