Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / This Year, My Goal Is to Blackout Less Comedians Under the Influence 🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

This Year, My Goal Is to Blackout Less Comedians Under the Influence 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_13: He should stop calling all of weed weed.
0:04
SPEAKER_13: Now we have like eight levels of weed deeper than anyone has ever had before.
0:09
SPEAKER_13: That needs a new name.
0:11
SPEAKER_13: You know, like my friend took an edible and then just leaned in the corner for 30 minutes because he thought he was a glass of orange juice and he didn't want to spill himself.
0:25
SPEAKER_13: That is not weed, sir.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: I just celebrated an anniversary recently.
0:34
SPEAKER_01: I am one year sober.
0:42
SPEAKER_01: I noticed that when I quit drinking, my husband started collecting expensive whiskey.
0:48
SPEAKER_01: Thought that was a little annoying.
0:51
SPEAKER_01: So I was like, babe, how come when I quit drinking, you started collecting whiskey?
0:55
SPEAKER_01: And he was like, I have been trying to collect it the whole time.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: We have t-shirts in our airport that say drink Wisconsinably.
1:18
SPEAKER_01: My first shot of hard liquor was everclear.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: If you don't know what that is, congratulations.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: You have homework.
1:31
SPEAKER_01: It's a hundred and ninety proof grain liquor.
1:35
SPEAKER_01: And that being your first shot is a lot like losing your virginity to a traffic cone.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: Everything else is smooth sailing.
1:51
SPEAKER_01: When I was fifteen, I gave up drinking for Lent.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: But that was too hard, so I gave up Catholicism instead.
2:07
SPEAKER_01: And the priest wasn't sad to see me go because I was not his type.
2:13
SPEAKER_09: Acid was my favorite drug.
2:14
SPEAKER_09: Acid opened up my mind and expanded my mind.
2:21
SPEAKER_09: Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
2:26
SPEAKER_09: I saw through the bull.
2:32
SPEAKER_09: When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light.
2:36
SPEAKER_09: And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
2:51
SPEAKER_09: When we were on acid, we're going to the woods, because when you're on the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure.
2:58
SPEAKER_09: But we ran into a bell.
3:01
SPEAKER_09: That was even more of a buzz kill.
3:03
SPEAKER_09: My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires.
3:13
SPEAKER_04: You know, like I'm trying to be a better person.
3:17
SPEAKER_04: This year, my goal is to black out less.
3:25
SPEAKER_04: It's a very difficult goal to track.
3:32
SPEAKER_04: I think I'm succeeding, but I might just not remember failing.
3:39
SPEAKER_04: I recently went out with my girlfriend.
3:41
SPEAKER_04: I decided she was gonna be the designated driver, but I did not bother to tell her about my decision.
3:49
SPEAKER_04: I just went ahead and got crazy sloppy.
3:52
SPEAKER_04: Because actions speak louder than gibberish.
4:01
SPEAKER_04: Forget about driving.
4:04
SPEAKER_04: I might not make the cut as a passenger.
4:13
SPEAKER_04: It was gonna be a challenge to keep my body inside my car and my insides inside my body.
4:25
SPEAKER_04: We went to a drive-thru and she had to keep locking the doors to stop me from getting up because I told her everybody lined up in the cars behind us, they all want to see me dance.
4:44
SPEAKER_04: After she protected me from getting hate crime done, we went home, and I immediately took off my jeans because I'm about to eat seven jalapeno poppas.
5:04
SPEAKER_04: And I'm not gonna dignify that kind of meal with pants.
5:14
SPEAKER_04: But then my girl noticed a large wet spot on my boxes.
5:19
SPEAKER_04: She got upset.
5:20
SPEAKER_04: She was like, Did you pee yourself?
5:24
SPEAKER_04: I said the coolest thing you could say in that situation, I said, probably.
5:42
SPEAKER_04: So I I moved to New York because drunk driving is bad, and here we have a lot more options.
5:50
SPEAKER_04: I used to live in LA, and one night I'm on the road, I wasn't sure that I was okay to be behind the wheel.
5:57
SPEAKER_04: I'm at an intersection, an SUV pulls up, and these beautiful Latinas roll down the windows.
6:03
SPEAKER_04: They're like, hey, do you want to eat a hot dog?
6:11
SPEAKER_04: I have no idea what that means.
6:16
SPEAKER_04: So I said, yes.
6:28
SPEAKER_04: Drove off.
6:31
SPEAKER_04: This is where things got freaky.
6:35
SPEAKER_04: Because with no hesitation whatsoever, I ate the whole thing in my car.
6:40
SPEAKER_04: At which point I realized that's a pretty good sign I'm not okay to be on the road right now.
6:47
SPEAKER_04: What just happened?
6:48
SPEAKER_04: I just received and consumed the unsolicited hot dog from complete strangers out of a moving vehicle.
7:00
SPEAKER_04: I just failed a very bizarre field sobriety test.
7:08
SPEAKER_05: I saw cats over the pandemic too, and I'll leave with this.
7:11
SPEAKER_05: I uh I thought it was gonna be good, I will say.
7:13
SPEAKER_05: You guys have seen cats?
7:14
SPEAKER_05: Like, there's New York 1 commercials every day for cats.
7:17
SPEAKER_05: And so I had this idea, like, oh, if we go see cats before, you know, the end of 2019, let's go see it, it's gonna be great.
7:24
SPEAKER_05: And I'm sitting down in the theater, I'm like, I'm just realizing I don't like cats as pets.
7:31
SPEAKER_05: So this might not go great for me.
7:34
SPEAKER_05: And I'm watching it, and I'm like, okay, let's just see.
7:37
SPEAKER_05: Uh so I smoked a blind and like ate two edibles, and I was like, this could be good.
7:41
SPEAKER_05: And then this cat comes out and it sings and dances, right?
7:45
SPEAKER_05: And then it goes back inside, and I was like, ooh, I hate this.
7:49
SPEAKER_05: Didn't know this was gonna happen.
7:51
SPEAKER_05: And then this other cat comes out and it sings and dances, and then it goes back inside, and I was like, strike two.
7:57
SPEAKER_05: And then this third cat comes out and it sings and dances, goes back inside, and then that happened like 65 more times over this five-hour span, and these cats coming out and me hating it.
8:08
SPEAKER_05: And the lady next to me was crying, and I was like, Are you crying because this has no fucking plot?
8:12
SPEAKER_15: Like, why aren't they interacting?
8:15
SPEAKER_05: Talk to each other.
8:16
SPEAKER_05: Why are there cats in the aisle now?
8:18
SPEAKER_05: I hate cats.
8:18
SPEAKER_05: Like, get them away from me.
8:20
SPEAKER_05: And I realized my issue with the whole thing overall.
8:23
SPEAKER_05: Like, I sat through the whole five hours and hated every second of it, and I realized what I hate.
8:27
SPEAKER_05: And I I know I like things written by people who smoke weed.
8:30
SPEAKER_05: And that's like almost everything I've ever seen.
8:33
SPEAKER_05: It's things I've written on, like kids' shows, and you're like, which makes sense if you really think about it.
8:38
SPEAKER_05: And it's like, yeah, okay, these things I get, like, you know, you're written by somebody who smokes weed, I smoke weed, we relate.
8:44
SPEAKER_05: But cats was written by people who are clearly on cocaine.
8:48
SPEAKER_05: And I think that's the issue.
8:50
SPEAKER_05: I don't I don't do cocaine that much.
8:51
SPEAKER_05: So like I don't do it at all.
8:54
SPEAKER_05: I don't like it.
8:54
SPEAKER_05: It's too upper, I'm very low-key, doesn't make any sense for me.
8:57
SPEAKER_05: And I don't like like cocaine shit.
8:59
SPEAKER_05: So like I realize, you know, you can tell it's written by somebody on cocaine because it's about cats.
9:04
SPEAKER_05: Every cocaine I know has a cat.
9:07
SPEAKER_05: I don't know why that's the case, but that's the case.
9:10
SPEAKER_05: And also, it's a play full of 65 introductions.
9:14
SPEAKER_05: And that's very cocaine behaviour.
9:18
SPEAKER_05: We've all been to that party, like, hey man, I met you, it's all good.
9:21
SPEAKER_05: Don't you're good.
9:22
SPEAKER_05: I'm no, I know you.
9:23
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, you're that's your name.
9:24
SPEAKER_05: Cool.
9:24
SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna go over here.
9:25
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
9:26
SPEAKER_03: You put a bow tie on, you're still the same guy.
9:28
SPEAKER_03: I know.
9:29
SPEAKER_03: Did you know that if you drink as much as you can for a whole night, sometimes, at the end of the night, people will just carry you around?
9:42
SPEAKER_03: When's the last time you were carried around?
9:44
SPEAKER_03: When you were a little baby?
9:47
SPEAKER_03: Treated like a king.
9:49
SPEAKER_03: So bring you all the way to your bed sometimes, like a king.
9:53
SPEAKER_03: Lay you on your side, make sure to lay you on your side, that's very important.
9:56
SPEAKER_03: That's how kings sleep.
9:58
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
10:00
SPEAKER_03: Sometimes I put a nice big bowl next to your bed in case you want to make a royal salad.
10:06
SPEAKER_03: Treat it like Majesty.
10:08
SPEAKER_03: If you drink as much as you can.
10:10
SPEAKER_03: If you smoke as much as you can for a whole night, then at the end of the night, you'll be afraid to go to bed.
10:18
SPEAKER_03: Like the darkness is too loud somehow.
10:21
SPEAKER_03: It's too dark in my ears.
10:23
SPEAKER_03: How do I sleep if my ears can't see?
10:26
SPEAKER_03: It's terrifying.
10:28
SPEAKER_03: Smoking too much weed's never killed anyone, but it has made people experience death.
10:37
SPEAKER_11: My husband and I we just opened a joint account.
10:39
SPEAKER_11: Um, it's a bank account we use just for weed and all of our weed money.
10:46
SPEAKER_11: I um now that I have a child, I feel like people assume I just drink buckets of wine because that's like a stereotype.
10:54
SPEAKER_11: You know, there's always like, you know, you hear like mommy juice and like mommy wine time and mommy D UI, and it's like just because you put mommy before it, it doesn't mean you don't have a problem, you know?
11:08
SPEAKER_11: Like go to a meeting.
11:10
SPEAKER_11: I uh I prefer weed.
11:13
SPEAKER_11: I, you know, and people will be like, oh, do you like, you know, do you smoke with the baby in the house?
11:17
SPEAKER_11: I'm like, are you nuts?
11:19
SPEAKER_11: You know, like she'd break my bond.
11:21
SPEAKER_11: Like that would be tragic.
11:26
SPEAKER_11: But I I mean I don't know if you guys have been to a dispensary, but like part of why I smoke weed is to help my anxiety.
11:32
SPEAKER_11: But every time I go to a dispensary, I have a panic attack because why are there so many kinds of weed?
11:37
SPEAKER_11: Like this it's a scam, right?
11:39
SPEAKER_11: Like there can't you walk into a dispensary and there's always like a young hot girl in a lab coat, and I'm like, okay, I'll play along, you know?
11:49
SPEAKER_11: And she's like, this strain is like really amazing because like it helps you feel creative, but it also helps you relax.
11:59
SPEAKER_11: And then she'll go to the next one, and she's just like, and this one's really amazing because it makes you feel artistic, but you can also chill.
12:05
SPEAKER_11: And then she'll go to the next one, and she's just like, and this one's really amazing because it makes you want to like make stuff, but you can also nap.
12:13
SPEAKER_11: And I'm like, those are all the same.
12:18
SPEAKER_11: Like, tell me which weed will do something different.
12:21
SPEAKER_11: Like, tell me which weed will, you know, make me not announce to everyone I'm high.
12:25
SPEAKER_11: You know, like that's what I want.
12:28
SPEAKER_11: Like, I've been smoking for so long, but I'm still such an amateur.
12:31
SPEAKER_11: Like, I always I'm like, oh my god, I'm so stoned, you know?
12:33
SPEAKER_11: And they're like, this is a Trader Joe's.
12:35
SPEAKER_11: Like, we don't care, you know?
12:40
SPEAKER_12: I like psychedelics.
12:41
SPEAKER_12: I was doing this thing where I did acid and I got on the L train in Chicago.
12:48
SPEAKER_12: It was a mistake.
12:51
SPEAKER_12: Because one day I was tripping and this drunk dude came on the train and his whole entire ass was out, you guys.
12:59
SPEAKER_12: Yeah, like the whole thing.
13:01
SPEAKER_12: And I'm like, I don't want to look at ass.
13:03
SPEAKER_12: Because I'm tripping, right?
13:04
SPEAKER_12: You're supposed to look at lava lamps and sunsets.
13:07
SPEAKER_12: You're not supposed to look at a grown man's dirty ass.
13:13
SPEAKER_12: But I started to think about it deeper because I was tripping.
13:15
SPEAKER_12: I'm like, technically, I'm not looking at ass.
13:18
SPEAKER_12: Technically, what I'm looking at is billions and billions of cells.
13:23
SPEAKER_12: Made up of billions and billions of atoms.
13:25
SPEAKER_12: And you know what?
13:26
SPEAKER_12: I'm not even looking at that.
13:27
SPEAKER_12: What I'm looking at is the light traveled 90,000 miles, bounced off that ass, into my eye, into my brain, creating a picture of an ass, and I was so high that out loud to everybody on the train, I was like, That ass is amazing.
13:47
SPEAKER_02: When you don't smoke weed for a little bit, like it's crazy, like you have feelings.
13:52
SPEAKER_02: You know, like something will happen, and I'll be like, hey, I don't I don't like that.
14:02
SPEAKER_02: As opposed to like seven years of just being like, It is what it is.
14:07
SPEAKER_02: Swag.
14:08
SPEAKER_02: Oh, whatever.
14:12
SPEAKER_02: I think I smoke weed subconsciously.
14:14
SPEAKER_02: Like, I don't even know I'm doing it.
14:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm serious.
14:16
SPEAKER_02: Like, I think I smoke weed, so like if I fail in my head, I'll be like, well, I was high, so what did you expect?
14:22
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
14:24
SPEAKER_02: But if I accomplish something, I'll be like, and I was fucking high.
14:27
SPEAKER_02: Woo! So it's like this I always win in my head.
14:32
SPEAKER_14: I've been uh been out in LA a lot, you know.
14:35
SPEAKER_14: LA's nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving because it interferes with my drinking.
14:46
SPEAKER_14: Yeah, that's why I love me some New York, boy.
15:00
SPEAKER_14: We get towed up in New York.
15:03
SPEAKER_14: New York, we have all those beautiful, lovely calves and stuff.
15:07
SPEAKER_14: Oh, I love that, man.
15:08
SPEAKER_14: Tell you five dollars in your pocket, pin your address to your collar.
15:14
SPEAKER_14: You get home.
15:18
SPEAKER_14: You can just all you do able to get that cab, man.
15:20
SPEAKER_14: I know here in New York, I'm at the bar drinking, bartender comes over.
15:24
SPEAKER_14: Uh, can I get you another one?
15:26
SPEAKER_14: Oh, hold on, let me see.
15:35
SPEAKER_14: Oh, yeah, I can have about two more.
15:44
SPEAKER_14: That's all you have to be able to do, just wander your ass to that curve.
16:16
SPEAKER_14: You know, but when you when you're out drinking and you know you know you gotta drive, you try to be responsible, right?
16:21
SPEAKER_14: You do you have good intentions, you tell yourself you say, okay, I'm driving at night, I'ma have two drinks, that's it.
16:27
SPEAKER_14: That's what you say.
16:30
SPEAKER_14: But when you get with your friends, that goes right out the window, right?
16:33
SPEAKER_14: Because your friends, they want you to have to ask too.
16:37
SPEAKER_14: Right?
16:37
SPEAKER_14: You want everybody drunk, right?
16:39
SPEAKER_14: You don't want somebody sober recalling the events the next day.
16:44
SPEAKER_14: You don't want to hear that.
16:46
SPEAKER_14: Girl, you peed on yourself.
16:54
SPEAKER_14: Make me sick.
16:57
SPEAKER_14: I hate hanging out with your sober ass.
17:01
SPEAKER_14: You want everybody drunk.
17:03
SPEAKER_14: That's why no matter what you do, you go, no, no, two drinks, man.
17:06
SPEAKER_14: I'm I'm done.
17:06
SPEAKER_14: You always get the one friend and go, no, no, no, come on, man.
17:11
SPEAKER_14: How another drink.
17:13
SPEAKER_14: You be high.
17:18
SPEAKER_14: I'll follow you all.
17:26
SPEAKER_14: And we all fall for that for some reason, right?
17:30
SPEAKER_14: I never understood the logic behind that exactly.
17:32
SPEAKER_14: It's like, okay, I'm gonna get my drunk ass in my car, and you're gonna get your drunk ass in your car, and we're gonna have this drunk caravan just fly down the highway.
17:44
SPEAKER_14: How does having a drunk behind you improve your driving?
17:51
SPEAKER_14: The only thing that's good for is like so when you crash, your drunk friend will be here to tell the cops what happened.
17:57
SPEAKER_14: That's all.
17:58
SPEAKER_14: You're like, I saw the whole thing.
18:05
SPEAKER_14: It was tragic.
18:08
SPEAKER_14: Okay, this is what happened, right?
18:17
SPEAKER_14: Okay, this why happened.
18:32
SPEAKER_14: Well, she went like that.
18:46
SPEAKER_14: I was following her until she hit that tree.
18:55
SPEAKER_14: And then I said, Well, maybe she lives in the woods.
19:08
SPEAKER_14: Maybe she got a tree house.
19:16
SPEAKER_14: Oh, okay.
19:23
SPEAKER_08: I was in college, it was the night before Halloween, and I got a phone call from a friend.
19:28
SPEAKER_08: He said this, he went, Hey JC, tonight we're going over to Todd's dorm.
19:33
SPEAKER_08: We're all gonna take acid.
19:35
SPEAKER_08: And then we're gonna watch the movie an American Werewolf in London.
19:40
SPEAKER_08: Do you want to go?
19:42
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, you had me an acid, I will be there.
19:46
SPEAKER_08: Got over to Todd's dorm, me and ten other college freshmen all took acid for the first time, waited for it to begin affecting us, and then somebody put a horror movie about werewolves into a DVD player.
20:02
SPEAKER_08: Panic and paranoia consumed the room.
20:05
SPEAKER_08: One of my buddies convinced himself the combination of the movie and the drugs is going to turn him into an actual werewolf.
20:13
SPEAKER_07: And he alerted the room by going, guys, I'm gonna turn into a werewolf.
20:21
SPEAKER_07: I gotta take these Nike's off first.
20:24
SPEAKER_07: Because my grandma bought them for me.
20:27
SPEAKER_08: And everyone else was like, oh shit.
20:32
SPEAKER_08: We're probably all turning into werewolves.
20:35
SPEAKER_07: From one side of the room, someone was like, why don't we just turn the movie off?
20:40
SPEAKER_08: Pretty good.
20:44
SPEAKER_08: Other side of the room, someone's like, it wasn't that already it's bad.
20:54
SPEAKER_08: Right after he yelled that, started to strip his clothes off.
20:57
SPEAKER_08: Then it turned into a chain reaction around the room.
21:00
SPEAKER_08: Now it's a dorm room full of college-age dudes stripping all their clothes off to prevent them from being ruined when we transform into monsters together.
21:10
SPEAKER_08: Typical Tuesday night, real simple.
21:13
SPEAKER_08: At this point I go, someone has to be responsible.
21:16
SPEAKER_08: So I walked over to the dorm room telephone and I called 911.
21:21
SPEAKER_08: I got on the phone with a 911 operator, and I said, end of the phone.
21:26
SPEAKER_08: Hello.
21:27
SPEAKER_08: Me and my friends were on a whole bunch of drugs.
21:32
SPEAKER_08: And we're all about to turn.
21:38
SPEAKER_08: Without skipping a beat, the lady on the other end of the phone went, honey, the Nazo! I'm not saying that lady deserves a medal, but she's pretty good at her fing job.
21:59
SPEAKER_08: She called me.
22:00
SPEAKER_08: To write down.
22:00
SPEAKER_08: I hung up on him.
22:01
SPEAKER_08: I'm like, we're gonna be fine, guys.
22:04
SPEAKER_08: Dodge a real silver bullet on this one.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctor recently and asked me how many drinks I have per week, and I said 15.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: And he said, Holy shit, that is so bad for you.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna need to cut that in half.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Oh, well, that sucks because I literally just did.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: It's not looking good.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: I've done it before, I've given up alcohol.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: I give it up for three months, which I think is a long enough time.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, like any longer.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: Like, ugh, I probably would have kept that baby.
22:37
SPEAKER_16: That's how I watch the news, man.
22:39
SPEAKER_16: I get real high.
22:40
SPEAKER_16: Last week I had the best fucking week of my life.
22:42
SPEAKER_16: My mother-in-law came and picked my son up, and I was smoking weed, and it was just me and my wife in the house, and she walk around with her titties out because you can't do that with a fucking baby that was breastfed.
22:51
SPEAKER_16: And nigga be five and still be like, they still, we still eating?
22:54
SPEAKER_16: We still doing this?
22:56
SPEAKER_16: You pull them out, don't fucking pull them out if I'll pull the motherfuckers up then if I can't have nothing.
23:04
SPEAKER_16: So she's going, she's free, she got the titties free, it's very natural, graphic in the house, you know what I mean?
23:08
SPEAKER_16: I'm I'm smoking.
23:09
SPEAKER_16: And I I fucked up and turned to Fox News.
23:12
SPEAKER_16: But I ain't catching at first because I I don't listen to the news, I just watch it.
23:16
SPEAKER_16: It be muted.
23:19
SPEAKER_16: I was listening to DMX.
23:23
SPEAKER_16: I was watching Tucker Carlson.
23:24
SPEAKER_16: There was a lot going on.
23:28
SPEAKER_16: So I'm just getting hot.
23:31
SPEAKER_16: You know.
23:34
SPEAKER_16: So I'm getting hot, I'm watching Tucker Carlson, and all of a sudden on the screen, I see 50% of all murders committed in the United States were committed by black people.
23:47
SPEAKER_16: I don't know if y'all know this, but you can't do math high.
23:53
SPEAKER_16: Cause all I heard was 50% and black people and murdered.
24:01
SPEAKER_16: And nobody was whole except me and my wife.
24:18
SPEAKER_16: And fifty percent of two.
24:23
SPEAKER_16: No, she's a killer.
24:24
SPEAKER_06: I'm in the house with a number of see, I don't smoke much weed.
24:33
SPEAKER_06: I like it.
24:34
SPEAKER_06: I'm all about it.
24:34
SPEAKER_06: I'm all about legalization of marijuana.
24:37
SPEAKER_06: I'm just unfortunately one of those people who it still affects wrongly.
24:40
SPEAKER_06: Like I I know, I've tried it all.
24:42
SPEAKER_06: I've fucking done the dabs and the the oils and the sativa and the fucking indica and the Alaskan Thunderfuck and the Durban Poison.
24:51
SPEAKER_06: And I know I've done the CBD, I've done it all.
24:54
SPEAKER_06: There's still, every time I smoke weed, an 80% chance I'm gonna suddenly notice how many people are wearing hats, get weirded out by that for reasons I can't explain, and just leave without saying a fucking word to anyone, alright?
25:08
SPEAKER_06: There are still people in this country who think it's a gateway drug, and here's proof that it's not, okay?
25:13
SPEAKER_06: As someone who's not a massive stoner.
25:15
SPEAKER_06: I've been drunk out of my mind before at a party, and someone offered me a mirror full of cocaine, and without hesitation, I chewed it all of it, all of it, in a matter of seconds, alright?
25:28
SPEAKER_06: I've also been high out of my mind before, and someone's offered me a monster energy drink, and I was like, no.
25:38
SPEAKER_06: Hell no, dude.
25:41
SPEAKER_06: The chemicals, they're so they're, you know.
25:45
SPEAKER_06: I think there's like saccharin in there.
25:48
SPEAKER_06: So I can give you mental cancer.
25:53
SPEAKER_06: If you want to call marijuana a gateway drug, it's because you can't you can close the gate.
26:00
SPEAKER_06: You know what I mean?
26:01
SPEAKER_06: Like booze is a gateway drug.
26:02
SPEAKER_06: They can't call it that because there's no gate anymore, because it's been plowed over by a fucking guy in an F-150 after tailgating, you know?
26:12
SPEAKER_10: So I was taping this exact show last season, and Ari comes into the green room, and he's giving out bags of mushrooms.
26:28
SPEAKER_10: And I'm thinking, okay, Ari knows I'm a vegetarian, so I'm like, okay, mushrooms, perfect.
26:33
SPEAKER_10: I just gobble them down, boom, mushrooms gone.
26:38
SPEAKER_10: Ari comes back, he's like, yo, Ali, what's your mushrooms?
26:41
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, I ate them.
26:42
SPEAKER_10: They was, they was, they needed some salt, but they was, you know, alright.
26:47
SPEAKER_10: And he was like, no, no, this is not gonna be alright.
26:52
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, and and and I'm very like really naive to this.
27:00
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, yo, man, it's mushrooms.
27:01
SPEAKER_10: How bad could it be?
27:02
SPEAKER_10: It's like just mushrooms, like I done had mushrooms before.
27:04
SPEAKER_10: He's like, not like this.
27:07
SPEAKER_10: And this is when I knew it was bad.
27:08
SPEAKER_10: This is when I knew they was different.
27:10
SPEAKER_10: Because I'm a grown man, and if you grab my head, I'm probably gonna beat you up.
27:15
SPEAKER_10: But alright, grab my head.
27:16
SPEAKER_10: He's like, listen to me.
27:20
SPEAKER_10: It was very intense.
27:21
SPEAKER_10: It was like a lot of eye contact.
27:23
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, I'm like, what?
27:29
SPEAKER_10: He's like, do not use your phone because something's going to happen to you later and be in a safe place.
27:38
SPEAKER_10: And I was like, took the damn hands off me.
27:42
SPEAKER_10: Why you gotta be in a safe place after you eat mushrooms, dude?
27:45
SPEAKER_10: Get out of here.
27:46
SPEAKER_10: So then I leave the show with this comic named Billy Sorell's.
27:50
SPEAKER_10: He's like, yo, you wanna go get something to eat?
27:52
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, nah, I just ate some mushroom chips, I'm good.
27:59
SPEAKER_10: But I go with you.
28:01
SPEAKER_10: So we leave, and he goes to get some chicken, and I'm he's like, you want something?
28:11
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, no, I'm gonna just sit in the car.
28:13
SPEAKER_10: And I didn't really know what was happening, and like I was sitting in this car, and the city took a picture of me.
28:23
SPEAKER_10: I was just sitting there minding my own business.
28:25
SPEAKER_10: I just like what?
28:27
SPEAKER_10: Nah, they ain't no.
28:36
SPEAKER_10: And I'm thinking, well, I did just finish taping a TV show.
28:41
SPEAKER_10: Maybe the paparazzi is after me.
28:46
SPEAKER_10: So I'm like, nah, that's crazy.
28:48
SPEAKER_10: It's too much flashing going on.
28:51
SPEAKER_10: And then the car shook.
28:56
SPEAKER_10: And I said, oh, I'm in California.
28:58
SPEAKER_10: It's an earthquake.
28:59
SPEAKER_10: So I jump out the car.
29:03
SPEAKER_10: So I'm out the car, and usually I don't, I know I don't stand up straight most of the time, so I usually slouch a little bit, and that's probably what happened.
29:14
SPEAKER_10: But this is what my mind was at.
29:17
SPEAKER_10: So I'm standing there and I'm like, I'm getting smaller for some reason.
29:27
SPEAKER_10: I'm getting very tiny.
29:29
SPEAKER_10: So mushroom mind says, You in quicksand.
29:35
SPEAKER_10: So I jump back in the car, because I don't want to go down in the quick stand with my regular body.
29:41
SPEAKER_10: I'd rather go down in a car.
29:43
SPEAKER_10: Okay.
29:44
SPEAKER_10: So I call Billy, I say, Hey Billy, listen to me, man.
29:52
SPEAKER_10: The paparazzi is after me.
29:57
SPEAKER_10: There's an earthquake happening, and apparently you parked your car by quicksand.
30:07
SPEAKER_10: Billy says, Stay where you are.
30:10
SPEAKER_10: I'm coming.
30:11
SPEAKER_10: I'm saying I'm in quicksand, not going anywhere.