Latest / Pastor Plek's Podcast / Owning Pride and Preparing for Marriage

Transcript

Owning Pride and Preparing for Marriage · Pastor Plek's Podcast

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to Pastor Plex Podcast.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Pastor Plex, and we have once again in studio, nother than Nicole Super Trooper Troop, so grateful that you've joined us.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Whoop, whoop.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: So now we really need to know what's the latest going on with the engagement.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Is it has it been challenging or have you got it figured out?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like we've got it figured out.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: You have got it figured out.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: We did some good conflict resolution.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, tell me about conflict resolution and what technique you used.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um I confronted my own pride.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, that I mean, I've so far only done this once, so hopefully it sticks.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Lord willing, Holy Spirit be with me.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but like I realized that like like conversations don't always go well.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't just in a like romantic relationship, but in general, when you're conflict resolutioning with other people, right?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: It it's like sometimes it's like this back and forth of like, well, you did this, and it's like, well, you did this, and it's like, well, you did this.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it suddenly I was like, hey, maybe I should just apologize for what I did wrong.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: So in you know, in the Mr.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Weenie technique, that would be escalation.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Don't escalate.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Don't escalate.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Don't escalate.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: When you have an opportunity to take it down a notch and just own something, be like, Yeah, you're right.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And usually they're like, Yeah, that's right.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: You are whatever the thing is.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and like I would I was like, I was just feeling some like pretty deep conviction about, yeah, I don't know.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think how does the Lord speak to you?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Most women probably feel this way, but I definitely was like idolizing the wedding day and like the wedding planning process.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I had this picture in my mind of how it was gonna go, and it was gonna be perfect and wonderful, and I was gonna be the center of attention and it was gonna be all about me and you know, all that stuff.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not like we're, you know, gonna spend the rest of our lives together and want to make sure we have a good foundation for a marriage, right?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, who cares about the rest of your life?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Let's knock out a awesome wedding day, and then you can put that in a picture and then just live in that for the rest of your life.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly, right?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, well, that doesn't quite work out.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so part of the my struggle in wedding planning is that I was wrestling with this idol that I basically have in my life.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um and that was hard.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so I did a lot of confession just on Sunday in general, like before the Lord.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was my that was my big thing before communion on Sunday.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh nice.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I have never prayed so much in my life.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um I like prayed for an hour straight Sunday after I got home.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um So how how did you do that?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: When you got home to pray for an hour straight, were you on your knees, were in your room, on your bed, what were you doing?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I I was curled up in this chair that I have in my room, which is where I normally do my quiet time.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And um I was bawling like a baby.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I anytime I feel this like deep conviction, Psalm 51, I think.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Is it's Psalm 51.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's one about your sin.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um created me a clean heart.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Created me.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's that one.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually it's actually David's psalm of repentance after Nathan confronts him about Bathsheba.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And um like that that psalm has always really resonated with me when I'm feeling convicted.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because it's just like you're expressed you're expressing the like depth of your depravity and like how much you need the Lord to like pull it out of you.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, basically.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: But you're also like asking for God's forgiveness, like remember not my transgressions, like you know, turn your eyes, turn your face from my sin, like all that stuff.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um so tell me what it is about the wedding.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's an idol, I know it's something you've been dreaming about your whole life, all that.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: But what about it were you expecting that what like I know about you, but like because sometimes people get it wouldn't have mattered if it was perfect, it wasn't it you since there was no specific thing you were actually looking forward to, whatever it is isn't reality unless it's like you ended up in a mansion somewhere with like angels floating down.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, what was it that you were wanting that didn't meet expectation?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that I would get to make all of the decisions without consulting anyone.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I thought that I would just get to like say to my fiance, like, hey, this is what we're doing, and he would be like, Okay, that sounds great.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um You know, there are a lot of women who do get that, but you know Yes, there are.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's the Lord's sanctification for you.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, it is.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Get that.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It is, and I have a really hard time when I don't get my way.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure there are people who resonate.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think this is what's what like I think you know a lot of people, like when when you get married, and I've I've told you this before, like the engagement period is just the worst, just because you have all the responsibility of marriage with none of the benefits.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so um it does kind of suck.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: It does suck.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: So what that means is is you're feeling like all the weight of this, and then when it doesn't go your way, there isn't just a such an easy way of resolve other than for you to sanctify yourself and grow, which nobody's really thrilled about.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: So um, all right, let's let's then talk about then uh so you guys are doing well now.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: What's the next step for you in the marriage process?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we're still trying to nail down a venue, but we do have like a top two, three-ish.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Our third choice is basically like kind of a backup.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but Nick is doing what Nick does best and is negotiating.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Negotiating.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate negotiator.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: He is negotiating, yes.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that is his that is this, that is an amazing skill that he has.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so impressed by him.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um But I mean, you know, he's been in sales for forever and he knows how to talk to salespeople, and that's all venue people are is there's salespeople.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're just trying to sell you on an experience and a vision in this place or whatever.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So and it's if it's better probably for the person that doesn't have that as their dream to be the one negotiating.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, yes.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: All right, okay, so then, all right, so now how is this playing into your role as an up-and-coming counselor?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: As an up-and-coming counselor, oh gosh.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I like like couples counseling is a thing.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so to like finally be able to understand the dynamic that happens between two people is actually really helpful.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because before when I would see couples fight, I would be like, guys, this is so obvious.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why don't you just know how to fix this?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, oh, it's because you're so wrapped up in your own emotion, right?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And like this is the person that you love.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: But also like love is a pretty like big feeling.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so when things are like not going well, you feel that, but like over here negatively.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: But it's still a really big feeling.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: So tell me about like the theoretical that became personal from counseling.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything that's like, you know, like you had an idea of why you need to do this, I don't know, active listening or whatever, and you can't just say like that's dumb.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Do this.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Has there been anything that it was theoretical and then all of a sudden became personal?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: All of the listening skills, all of the listening skills, also non-confrontational vocabulary of like a lot of the way that we naturally talk is like very accusational.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a real word?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um a lot of women use you, you say like you did this, dude, or you're not blah, blah, blah, or like you make me feel blah, blah, blah.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's all about like the other person.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not, you're not really saying anything about like yourself.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you've also talked about this too, where like you have to own your feelings.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you have to own your feelings.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And what happens for a lot of people, we're so emotional, we actually don't know that we're feeling something.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and and to be fair, whenever you are feeling so upset, you don't, you can it's hard to look objectively on yourself and be like, I am emotionally compromised right now.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I am, I am um uh so emotionally stimulated that all I can see is the person in front of me is doing a lot of wrong.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Wrong, wrong, wrong.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I need to point it out to them because that's the thing that's hurting me.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it might not actually be the thing that's hurting you, but because that's all you can see, because you've lost your peripheral vision.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: You have tunnel vision.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you get tunnel vision, emotional tunnel vision.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's just so um, it's called emotional flooding, right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Where you just got all the emotions come in, and all you see is the enemy, and so therefore you have to attack them.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: And if in a relationship, if you can see that's what you're about to do, that's why uh one of the things I always talk about is called a controlled withdrawal.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, just chill out, withdraw in a way that doesn't create like, don't stonewall, don't um you know, storm out.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And but when you kind of say, I'm emotionally compromised, I am flooded right now, and I want to respond in a way that's healthy, but I can't.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: So give me some time that will bless the relationship in a big way.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I and I think that's hard again, it's hard to see that, which is why I always tell people when you start to feel yourself go there, just stop before you get full on flooded.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're flooded, you're like, I don't care what you think.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you can't even hear, you can't, there is no ability to kind of um self-regulate.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: So have you experienced any of that?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: At what point are you is there now?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: This might be the part that let's get practical.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: At what point in this experience where you know, like I probably should stop right now, but I'm now a past the point, like there's I'm past the point of no return.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like I just can't, I can't go back because I'm like fully committed, I'm emotionally into this, and there's no going back.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm gonna have to just express everything.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't go into express everything mode when that happens.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm shut down.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Shut down.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I shut down.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Which is like not something that I've ever experienced before um until I was in a serious committed relationship.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the things that I'm a shutdown person myself.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I say is like, I'm slowly shutting down.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's happening, shutting down, shutting down.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, or yeah, that happens.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that that is a it is a relationship technique and skill to stay engaged.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and to and and especially if you're um in a relationship with somebody who keeps repeating themselves.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I call that grinding or racetracking.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're like, let's take another lap around.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think you heard it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think you say the exact same thing, the one way, no two way, five hundred ways.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's the Indianapolis 500 of saying the same thing over and over and over again so that you understand how right I am.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now that is a manipulation technique, which they probably don't know because all they're trying to do is get you to understand.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: They think what you need is more words.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: But actually, what I need is time to process all of the words.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you understand right now?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: How about now?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: How about now?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: What a person does.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: So when a person is gets gets in the racetrack, they think your silence is you not understanding.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so what needs to happen, this is why the active listening becomes so helpful, is you go, hmm, it sounds like you're saying that I'm a very stubborn person and I'm feeling a lot of friction about my wedding or whatever the thing is.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then you go, and then they go, Yes, exactly.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: And then when they start to say it again, you go, like, did I get it wrong?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then they go, No, but I don't think you're understanding.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, you just said I understood.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I need time to process, and that will bless everybody to kind of shut down the racetrack.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's helpful.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's helpful.
• 12:49
  unknown: Yeah.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: But it's that doesn't make it any easier.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So the hard part, like, like I, you know, I'm in school for counseling.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've been taught all of these marvelous active listening skills.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And like I use them successfully in counseling sessions.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know I can do this.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: I do it with my friends, I do it with coworkers, I do it with other counselors.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know I can do it.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like in the moment, it is really hard because of the emotional flooding that you're talking about to like pull yourself out of that like vortex of feelings to then like use your brain in a very different way to be able to like focus on what your partner is saying and be like, this is what I think you mean.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Did I get that right?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: But also like say that in a way that's not like, I think this is what you're saying.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is that right?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so how about that's my problem.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're there are some people who have a small, a limited lid of what they can handle in negative interaction with their spouse, partner, whatever, you know, fine fiance, right?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a so some people have like this much space and they are they're down to party, they can have a conversation, and there are people who have like this much space where their emotional comp they get flooded like real quick because they're they're living uh in an emotional max at all times.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Have you seen that?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional max at all times, right here.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: So have has anyone taught you any exercises that you can do to sort of lift your lid of emotional max?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, I didn't even know I could do that.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you totally do that.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so a couple of things that's really um if you can understand there is a reason the way that you are, and so this is the part where um James 1.5, if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God to give generous all without finding fault, and we'll be given to him.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: All right, when you ask God to help you understand your emotions, because the reason why your emotions are right here, especially with the one you care about, okay?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's not because you don't have enough baggage with your fiance for it to be him.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: So then you've got to then go, crud, what what baggage am I bringing that I already have that I am bringing into this relationship that he is gonna have to deal with, and that I have a limited capacity for emotional friction, which is gonna make our first year of marriage an absolute hell-raising and adventure.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so what you do is you go through like, where are the wounds of your past that you're now you're now fighting the person your past with the one you love the most in your present.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so the exercise goes through what emotion have I buried that it's actually not buried.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's just right here.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I have a limited amount of emotional capacity because I go from zero to flooding in 60 seconds, and I'm sitting there cannot figure it out.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's because you're fighting that past.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so you're you're projecting onto that person.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And here's what if you've had a this is what happens for people who've had difficult uh family upbringing, is that um there is a greater tendency for you to look at your um to look at your current uh relationship, and when they start to do something that's similar or remotely similar to what the the people of your past who hurt you do, you go right for, you know, it's an incrimination.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: I know where this is going, and you put up the protection.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas somebody who had an incredible family and they were like blah la, everything was great.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: When you do something that's unaligned with your character, you know, that's weird, that's not aligned with your character, and you you give it a pass.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I I think I've talked about this a bunch in sermons, but I talked about there's vengeance, there's mercy, and there is grace.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, vengeance is well, I'm gonna, oh, you just did that to me.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you bet you better, I'm gonna give it back back to you.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Mercy is like, oh, don't worry about it.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's fine.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: And what you do with mercy is you absorb the blow.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Grace goes like this is where I love you too much to not let you know that the thing that you did hurt me and it's actually hurting you.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: And if we're gonna be linked together for any period of time, then I need to share with you the thing that hurt me and allow you to say and own the sin that you committed.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then I need, but as God's, you know, as I need to then forgive you properly.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: What happens is, especially in everyone's first year of marriage, you stack up mercy, you stack up a ton of mercy, and you're like, oh, I love her, or he's so cute.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: I he doesn't know what he's doing.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: Dagger, dagger, dagger, and you're absorbing the blow.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're a person who grew up in unhealthy relationships your whole life, you've got a lot of wounds that you're just still bleeding out on.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: You got a hatchet in your back that you don't fully wrap your head around.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: And anytime your fiance or new spouse touches it, you lose your ever-living mind because don't they know?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you what happens after the battle, you go, you're just like, and then you bring up that person for the past and you put it on top of them, and they're like, I just got here.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a wonderful illustration.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I I think here's in this.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: So what happens?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, here's how, here's how um baggage or here's why a lot of people's emotional lids never grow.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, they get smaller and smaller over time.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Is we've, you know, we're not doing vengeance for the most part, unless they're an ex-wife or an ex-husband.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh, I will now fully give full vent to my rage.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: What happens is we've been, we go, you're absorbing, you're absorbing, you're absorbing, and then passive aggressive barbs come out because you have no other way to vent, but you got to kind of say something and to kind of stick it to them.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that happens within year one.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then the person that gets attacked like that's like, I didn't do anything, I just got here.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: What's what are you talking about?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you being so mean to me?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: What did I do?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then they're confused.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if they had a healthy family, they might go, like, hey, that's not aligned with your character.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: But if they also had screwed up parents, then now all of a sudden you've got two people going at it based on relationships of their past, and they're put putting projecting it all on the present.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: So there you go.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: So again, the the way the exercise then is, and this will be probably really helpful to do with your fiance.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you sit down, you go, like, hey, I want you to ask me questions about my family of origin, the the relationships in the past that have hurt.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then you start to walk through that pain.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then how, like, because you're you're and for the most part, you're not gonna have like, I'm gonna go all the people that hurt me and go sit down with them and be like, here's how you hurt me.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm so sorry.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, will you forgive me?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: What can I do to make it right?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: You're in general, you're gonna have a hard time to do that unless you can go do that uh with like a mom or a dad or a brother or sister or whatever the thing is.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's important to go and do because that's like the the emotional inventory that needs to be done.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: And what you've been probably doing with those people for so long is like, as I will eventually get out of this house, I eventually have to deal with them.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then what you didn't realize is all the you were giving is now the per the new house that you're living in, they're gonna get your full wrath.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, there you go.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: So there's the exercise.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: Go and emotionally deal with the pain of your past so that you don't bring it into your marriage, which is good news.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: Good news.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: You have like a year.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: Have you said on a wedding date yet?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what you do we we're still trying to get a venue.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: So when we get a venue, we'll get a date.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because I would chapter your life.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: You've probably heard me talk about chapter people's lives.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: So you go, here's you know, the first, you know, like four years old to eight years old.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: There's what my life was like.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the high points I remember, low points I remember.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Here's this wound that's sort of festering that I haven't dealt with.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've done this eight million times.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Then, then, then after that, you go, what pain am I bringing to the current relationship that I haven't fully dealt with?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: That that my current, I'm I need you need to connect what that this, your your current relationship does that remind you of that pain from the past.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's the part where you kind of bring that to the Lord and then have him pray over you and like really get that because the reason that you're angry or hurt or all the things, it's bitterness.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: The root of bitterness is the pain of the past, and until we get to a place of forgiveness, which is why forgiveness things like I'm forgiven.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't you have mercy, mercy, you you've been shelling out mercy for the longest time, but you haven't allowed your soul um to understand that it's been emotionally um ripped apart and you're now taking all that from your past and your present.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I realized on Sunday truly how powerful forgiveness is.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um like when I was I wouldn't even really call it apologizing.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think I was I was actually confessing to Nick like what I was feeling really convicted about.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was saying that like I was I regretted like doing these like things to him that were not right and were grounded in sin and all of that stuff.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: But like I and like I had already gone before the Lord and everything, and um I I asked him if he would forgive me, and his demeanor completely shifted when I asked him that, and he was like, Of course I forgive you, and like that like that wow like I don't have words obviously for how great that felt.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, oh that's so good.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: But like it, you know, and we have like continued our conversation after that, but like like going through through all of that, the confession, the forgiveness, like all of it was really healing, I think.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and the other thing to think about is um gratitude reduces anxiety.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I mean.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: So the more uh this now I'm getting to my kids, like you know, one of the things we're trying to do is not is to build so they're not battling all the fights that kids have is uh the worry about I'm not gonna get what I need.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: I won't get time on the video game, I won't get time to watch the show, I won't get the dessert, I won't get the ice cream, I won't get time with dad.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you start building into uh uh your kids thankfulness, it reduces anxiety.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: And the same thing is true just of adults as well, obviously.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so like you know, we we we we say stuff like it's you know, count your blessings, be thankful, but I think sometimes we don't understand that it has a direct impact on your brain as the way that you feel, and the more that you're able to kind of just sit in a moment of thankfulness, even if it's one or two seconds to go like, God, thank you so much that I have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and they want to deal with all the stress that I sort of bring to the table.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Boom.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now then you kind of you preep four or five of those and you say it out loud, and they're hearing and hearing of you know, whoever it that brings the the emotional climate down.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: So that you that also again that builds into your emotional resilience, uh, so that you're not just sort of like always just about to burst to the top.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here you go.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, all right, agreed.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be a counselor.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be a counselor, God willing, I'm gonna be a counselor.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you need to make that happen?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I need uh at the moment, I need 40 direct client hours, and I only have seven, and we're halfway through the semester.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: So ideally, I should probably have at least people with some problems.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I do.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: I need people with some problems, big problems, little problems.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what the problems are.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can see people as young as 13 years old all the way to as old as they can be.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: That that's perfect.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's get into then what um oh, I think we have some questions.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you want that?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: We have a question from uh the I don't know if the bag is the right way to put that.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we have a question that came in to Pastorplex Podcast.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: We are so grateful for uh the asker for asking.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to read it for us and we'll get into an answer?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: So this listener was listening to Unshaken Matthew 25, which is about the parable of the ten virgins, and that parable always gets to them.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they say, I don't quite understand it.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: I get the big picture, be ready for the Lord.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: What I don't understand is why wouldn't the five virgins share the oil with the other five?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think if your faith is strong, you could share and trust that God will keep your oil filled.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: I have been told that it's just too late for them.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: But then I think it's is it ever too late to share the gospel?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Why would you send them away when you know when you know the gospel?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Please help me make sense of this.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: So um I I appreciate that that person um asking the question.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's a really good question.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is understanding parables.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: Parables aren't meant, they're meant to teach one specific lesson.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so context is important.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so when you when you're asking this question, you know, sometimes we want to get into so sometimes parables are not one specific lesson.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, the parable of the sower, it talks about the different soils, each soil has a different meaning, but it's all about the the responses of a person to the gospel.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: The gospel, all right.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: So in this case, it's Jesus is coming, and who are the ones who are ready?
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: And oil has always been a symbol of the Holy Spirit, and as much as you want to share the Holy Spirit, yes.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so there are gonna be some people who have the Holy Spirit and some people who don't.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so those who did not get the Holy Spirit are sitting there going, Chris, this is so important.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: I did not know that.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: So you can't like just give some Holy Spirit over to the person.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: I consider myself probably pretty like biblically literate, and I like truly had no idea.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: Or it could be you know civilized faith, because Holy Spirit, uh uh a life of devotion, obedience to God.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: So like when you anoint somebody with oil, what are we doing?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: Chris, you're the pastor.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we are it's symbolic of the Holy Spirit uh operating in their life for the office of which we are when we anoint them with oil for the sick, we're asking the Holy Spirit to come and heal them.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: We're anointing like an elder or a pastor or a missionary.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: The Holy Spirit to empower them to go and do the thing.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my mind is my mind now that I'm on this whole oil thing, I'm like, where is oil in the Bible?
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: And there's uh when Mary anoints Jesus' feet with oil.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's nard.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's nard.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: So that was to prepare him for his burial.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: So that was So that's not the same thing, not the same thing, and not oil, that's nard.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: But don't they call it oil in the uh or they maybe they call it perfume.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, the perfume, it's a nard.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, it's a different thing.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you're right.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it's the beautiful aroma of the ointment, different than anointment, uh, is then what you is that what fills the room, and remember Jesus says, Don't mess with her, she's preparing my body for burial.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so then you're like go back to old Old Testament throwback to when David is anointed or when the Levitical priests are anointed.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, like even then, was that a representation of the Holy Spirit?
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_01: The Spirit of God, right?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: And and so whenever so whenever so the only the only the only kings were filled with the Holy Spirit, right?
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like back in the day.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: So it was a different sort of an Holy Spirit filling.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's more of a because it says with Saul that the Holy Spirit, that the Spirit left.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, which and that's why when in Psalm 51, he says, Take not your Holy Spirit from me.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Don't let me lose.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: I man, that makes sense.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, I'm wearing so much today.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, hey, listen, you know, we're here to here to serve uh podcasts.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know everything, yeah.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: And and so the other thing is like it there is a reality that you can't share your you can't not that you Couldn't share your faith, but you can't give your faith away.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that's the whole point of that.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like that you can't believe for somebody else.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: Uh although I mean I get it.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, give us some of your oil, our lamps are going on.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the yeah, I think it's just like an interpretation of that, like literally.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I like truly until today when you said that, I did not know that oil was a representation of the Holy Spirit.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I really had no idea.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: So it can't be a good idea.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: And remember the whole it's not the main point of the parable, because the main point is like be ready.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Be ready.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: Which I think this the listener totally got that.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: Be ready.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: Be ready.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: And and so that is the the whole emphasis here.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Be ready.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: The Lord is coming, get your faith right.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: So it's this is like if you knew the world was gonna be into an Armageddon of some sort and you were a legit prepper, you'd have your underground bunker already prepared, you'd have like your meals for 25 years set up, you would be ready to go.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: But for the Christian, all you have to do is give your life to Jesus, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and you're ready to endure.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or the great news is uh if you're a dispensationalist like me, you get raptured, you're totally freed from the persecution of the wrath of God because Jesus took that wrath for you, and you get to be with Jesus when it caught up in the air with him, and then hang out for seven years, and then you'd come back with uh with a great time of destroying the enemy.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're ready for the millennial kingdom.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so question Do you think that there will ever be a time where it is too late to share the gospel?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: I guess if somebody's dead, that's okay.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's too late.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: So no, other than that, no, it's not too late.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's never too late.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_01: But when Jesus shows up, too late.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's more what I was getting at.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: So like here's what happens Um, Jesus is gonna show up, and and no one's gonna know when it's gonna happen.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: But just like the whole point here.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: And like I'm gonna be gone before I can give you any oil, or I can like share the faith with you.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, guess what?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: He's here.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, because when he's here, I'm already caught up with him in the air.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: That that's why it doesn't yeah, and I get it, it's it's a it's a parable, and so you're like, that was mean.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's also kind of a complicated thing to understand.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like and end times rapturing, Jesus coming back, like it's one of those things where it feels like so divine that it's hard for our puny human brains to understand.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think that's fair.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's an okay way to look at it.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like got Jesus is coming.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_01: We have a heart that's ready.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, look at how chaotic the world is, look at how polarized this world is.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it feels like we're on the we're definitely on on the brink of shutting conversations down, which is why Charlie Kirk was such a travesty, is like he opened the mic and did dialogue with liberals all the time.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh like Van Jones, like a CNN guy, said that Charlie Kirk, the day before he died, reached out to him and said, Hey, I know that we can talk about our differences as gentlemen.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Listen, I disagree with him on everything, but man, that isn't that what we should be doing.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I appreciated that.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's what's what's happened to our culture when you lose somebody that's the the one that's kind of the I'm a guy that wants to debate our ideas and having go back and forth, and people are like, no, there's no debating, let's just go fight.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's a problem.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now I don't know where we got on that.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, so the world, the Jesus is coming soon.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: Get ready.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: And be excited about that.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, be excited.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've I've got to be.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_01: What if it came before your wedding?
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: I I mean, great.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to be with Jesus.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be awesome.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it would be great.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: Nick would get to be there too.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: So all right, nice.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: Good point.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: All right, all right.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: Not too shabby there.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, all right.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, you know, some people would be pretty upset about that.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, whoa, I was just about to get married.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean I just feel like there's gonna be so much more joy and and pleasure in heaven in the presence of God that it's going to completely eclipse whatever joy or pleasure I could have here on earth.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_01: Ma'am.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_01: So any other final thoughts uh before we depart for the day.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, I'm good.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Nicole, thanks for being here.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks so much for watching.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you can text us at 737 231 0605.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_01: We'd love to hear from you.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_01: We talk faith, culture, and everything in between, including engagement.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we'll see you next time.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, have an awesome week of worship.