Latest / How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva / Constance Marie on Midlife Dating, Single Motherhood and What’s a Sesentañera?

Transcript

Constance Marie on Midlife Dating, Single Motherhood and What’s a Sesentañera? · How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to share with you my next guest,
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: where we'll discuss everything from break dancing, being last on
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: the list at home.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: And midlife dating.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Is it too much to ask to show up in
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: a clean shirt with no dandruff and cat hair?
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Seriously?
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: How hard can it be? Welcome to this episode of
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: How Hard Can It Be? A podcast for gen X
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: women navigating midlife's most fantastic bullshit. Ah, Today's going to
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: be so fun because I am joined by one of
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  Speaker 1: the loveliest ladies in the world. Every woman would want
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: a girlfriend like her in your corner, and I'm grateful
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: to say I do. So you fell in love with
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  Speaker 1: her for her roles as Angie in the George Lopez
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  Speaker 1: Show and hit series such as With Love five award
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: winning seasons of Switched at Birth starring opposite Edward James,
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  Speaker 1: Almost Sonya Brag and Wrakeel Welch in the groundbreaking PBS
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  Speaker 1: series American Family, broke into the big screen in films
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: like Satasa Me, Familiar Tortilla Soup, and, of course, one
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  Speaker 1: of her most iconic roles, Martella, mother of Selina. Please
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: welcome my dear friend, sister fabulous woman, Constance.
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: Marie the entirety of my career.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Oh and there was more.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, like, that's the thing about you is that
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: you have been a hustler, a worker, and a superstar
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: and a mama all at once for a long time.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: And you look this damn good, this damn good. She
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  Speaker 3: asked me.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: She's like, what do I wear? Like casual elegance? And
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like, what the fuck is casual elegance? Just casual cute?
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: And she's got her stilettos on.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: Let's just point out the stilettos because she's she's single.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: Ready, we can't use this as a hookup place. You're like,
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: let's find you somebody.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Listen, We're going to have an episode that we just
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: let's play matchmaker for you where we pit me out. Yeah,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: well there's I got a few of you guys. J Justina
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: Mitchall is coming on here. Let me see if she's
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: a if she's willing. But I'm so thrilled to have
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: you because we do so much together and you are
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: someone that I've loved for a long long time. Luckily
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: our paths crossed early on, earlier on in our careers,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: but our friendship has really grown and solidified in the
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: last few years, and we're walking through this chapter together.
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  Speaker 3: So awesome to have people with me.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: It is so I want.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I always like to start with this icebreaker of what
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: was your Oh shit, is this midlife moment?
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  Speaker 2: Could be small, could be big?
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: Oh? Mine was pretty big. Okay. I figured out that
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: my happiness was important in life.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Oh it was deep.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was pretty profound. I know I'm not one
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  Speaker 3: for small. I'm like, I couldn't read the label on
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: the box of some crackers and I'm.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Like, oh shit, and I was forty Yeah, so you.
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  Speaker 3: No, mine was I realized, you know, my happiness matters,
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  Speaker 3: and I need to like think about what I want
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  Speaker 3: instead of what my relationship wants, or my kid wants,
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: what the house needs, or what my career wants. I went, oh,
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  Speaker 3: I need to be I have to think about me
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: because I will die someday and I would like to
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  Speaker 3: live the rest of my life happy.
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  Speaker 2: Is that too much to ask?
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: But it's amazing how how much work that is. Okay,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: so we all a lot of us say that.
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  Speaker 3: A lot of us.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Say I made a decision that I need to Can
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: you give me a moment where that really resonated.
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  Speaker 2: I do believe.
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  Speaker 1: One time I had a therapist sae, You'll know when
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: you know, and it's not necessarily something monumental that happens.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: It's just that moment where it clicks and you're like done, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: got it. Did you have that moment?
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  Speaker 3: For me? It was in my relationship. I realized that
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  Speaker 3: out of the pecking order of everybody in the house,
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  Speaker 3: I was like number five and there were three people
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  Speaker 3: I think there was that I included the animals.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is important to point out that you were
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: all the way.
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  Speaker 3: And I thought, how did this get set up this way?
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  Speaker 3: I mean externally, people looked at me and were like,
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: oh my god, she's so fabulous.
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  Speaker 2: She goes to this.
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  Speaker 3: Event, she does this. And then I realized in my
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  Speaker 3: own home, I was exhausted, I was overworked. I wasn't
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  Speaker 3: much for my kid. She was two two and a
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  Speaker 3: half I think, and that's when I went, oh, we
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: need to this algebraic equation needs to be reconfigured because
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: it's unsustainable. And then I ended up leaving my relationship.
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  Speaker 3: I ended up having half the time with my daughter,
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  Speaker 3: but I felt like I was really.
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  Speaker 1: Que quality time interesting and can I ask you a
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: personal question because that decision of deciding that when your
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: daughter was two, are you willing to share how old
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: you were when that decision came about.
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  Speaker 3: Well, let's say I was forty three when I had
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: her after five years of infertility issues, so I was
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  Speaker 3: forty six.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, So thank you for sharing that, because I do
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  Speaker 1: feel that's around the time that, whether you have a
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  Speaker 1: two year old or a twenty year old, at forty six,
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  Speaker 1: are you making that discovery that the pecking order is
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: so that I'm at the bottom under the animals and
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  Speaker 1: it's not sustainable and I rather walk through this fire
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  Speaker 1: so that we all live in a situation where I
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: give the better version of myself.
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  Speaker 3: Well, that's the time it happened for me. What also
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: kind of was the tipping point was I realized, am
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  Speaker 3: I a good example for my daughter? Because I don't
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: want her to be completely self sacrificing her entire life.
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  Speaker 3: That's not fair for her. I want her to flourish
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  Speaker 3: and I want her to take good care of herself.
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  Speaker 3: And I thought, and I don't want to cry, it's
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: the first question I cry. I thought, if I am
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  Speaker 3: sabotaging her future by making my life all about self sacrifice.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not doing her a good service. And that was
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: my profound moment. I went, this is not a good
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  Speaker 3: example for her.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: It really does play right into the analogy of put
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: the oxygen mask on you first so that you can
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: put one on her. Yes, right, yes, And I don't
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: blame you for feeling emotional about that, because this is
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: one of the other parallels in our lives that we
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: have walked the journey of being a single mom for
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: a long time.
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  Speaker 2: And I do.
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  Speaker 1: Remember that pivotal moment where I said, Okay, I wanted
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: to keep the family together, but in this moment, either
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  Speaker 1: I demonstrate to my son this is what a gentleman
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  Speaker 1: will do or not do, or be or not be,
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  Speaker 1: and to my daughter, expect to be treated like this
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  Speaker 1: or not whatever, even if the treatment is that you're
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: not making yourself first. It really resonated that I'm going
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: to make a different decision because I want to live
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  Speaker 1: better and I want them to take with them that message,
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  Speaker 1: which is what you did for your daughter.
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  Speaker 3: And that does make you emote, Yeah, I mean because
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: you realize, look, we're gen X. Yeah. My quote about
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: gen X is that we were thirty by the time
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  Speaker 3: we were thirteen.
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  Speaker 2: Ah, we literally totally well.
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  Speaker 3: I think people used to say children are seen and
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  Speaker 3: not heard. We're this scene and not her generation, and
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  Speaker 3: you take care of yourself and you figure it out.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: Boredom was like supreme because nobody was entertaining us, right.
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  Speaker 3: My mom once said to you. I was like, I'm
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: I think I said this once I'm bored and she's like, well,
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: what do you want me to do. I'm not your
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  Speaker 3: social director.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: I was like a copy that it's up to me.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: And then did you have dogs? I'm just wondering how
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: many of us had dogs growing up. I did not,
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: so I didn't have that. We went outside and played, yes,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: and then when it was.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Dark, you came in and nobody knew what you did,
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  Speaker 3: where you went, how much trouble you got into, how
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: you almost lost your life, and then made it home
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  Speaker 3: on time.
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  Speaker 2: You did everyone we're still here.
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  Speaker 1: My point is is that I remember nineteen seventy six
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  Speaker 1: there was a blizzard. My parents both worked and I
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: got my ass up. These were before my little sisters
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  Speaker 1: were born, and I remember I had to walk to school.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: It was only you know, at the top of my call.
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  Speaker 1: I lived in a call de Sac. At the top
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  Speaker 1: of the call Desac was my school, so it was
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  Speaker 1: nothing in that day. You could walk there and it
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  Speaker 1: was like you, I brought five blindergarten.
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  Speaker 3: Okay in West Hollywood. Wow, somebody, It's rumored somebody followed me,
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: but I never saw that.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Okay, you beg to differ, no proof, no camera. I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: remember there was a blizzard and I walked outside and
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: I was bundled up because I knew what time I
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: was supposed to leave the house to get to myself
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: myself to school because my parents are already to let you.
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  Speaker 2: I was in the second grade, So.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: What do you know about time?
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Time testination? What time I have to leave in advance?
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  Speaker 1: There was a blizzard.
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  Speaker 3: It was the nineteen seventy six blizzard of Cincinnati, Ohio.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm out there. I could not get to the
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  Speaker 1: end of the driveway because it was knocking me back.
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  Speaker 1: And I called my mom no cell phones, called my
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  Speaker 1: mom and said, I don't think they said, oh, yes, honey.
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  Speaker 3: I just heard that school's closed. I'm like, it would
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: have been great to maybe get that call.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: But I tried.
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: You were there, You showed up. You brought the puffy coat.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Right, I don't even know.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I didn't wear a hat because I didn't need to,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: but because this was keeping me warm. But that that
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: is that's a lot, and that is a lot to
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: come to that conclusion when you're forty six. I keep
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: thinking that our success will be teaching our children that
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: lesson of me first as early as possible. In do
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: you think your daughter has any of that? Yep, from you.
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  Speaker 3: I think she's getting it.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: She's a teenager.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: She yes, she's seventeen. She just turns seventeen. She's she's
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: getting it. But again, seventeen, those teen years are so hard. Yeah,
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: just trying to figure out who you are. She's trying
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: to think about colleges now.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: And it's that's a lot.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: It's overwhelming, and it's like, I mean, I don't know,
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  Speaker 3: like if this generation they're like they have everything and
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: nothing because social media and the phone is always in
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: their pocket, so they have access to.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: Everything instant gratification.
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: But as far as going out and exploring, like going
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: out in a storm, walking yourself to first grade five
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: blocks in West Hollywood exactly with somebody's supposedly what's trailing you?
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: Which right, the way creepy. But sure, no, no, no,
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: I mean like a family member. Yeah, a family Well,
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: I think it was my babysitter. My mom worked two
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: jobs as well, so well then that was.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: A part of life.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: By the way, if it were me and I were
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: your mom, i'd lie anyway. I would be like, yeah,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I followed you all the way and then I went
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: to work.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: I don't evidence, I'm not one percent there was ever
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: anybody there.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: And but this is one of the fun facts about constants.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: She didn't just like roll up into acting. You were
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: a dancer and you hit the breakdancing scene.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: Yes, breakdancing. Do you still pop in lot.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: Girl on a kay? You've seen me on if the
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: cocktails are right and the music is good and they're
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: just a dance break and I just have to it's amazing.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: And you that's what you started off, that's what your
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: hustle was, and your first big break was going on
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: tour with David Bowie. I don't even that kind of
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: iconic past of yours that started with that before we
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: all could really appreciate the legacy that he would become.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: But he was at his height then in the late eighties.
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I mean eighty seven.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: Well the crazy part is news flash. I failed drama
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: in high school because I was too shy. Literally, I
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: failed in high school. And I remember having an argument
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: with my acting teacher from the stage. She was just relaxed,
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: you have the words. I'm like, no, I don't. I can't.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: I mean I literally had a breakdown, and then I
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: was like, I can't perform cut to, but I can
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: dance if I don't have to talk. I was so
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: painfully shy if I could just move my body and
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: get lost in the music, because I didn't have any
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: formal training. I mean, every once in a while some
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: of my friends would go to the dance school and
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: I would pay for a single class here or there.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: But dance was my jam and I did it. And
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: thank god, legitimate dancers did not know how to do
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: street dance whacking, jacking, popping, locking, breaking, none of that.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: They couldn't do any of it. So cooreosy. You imagine
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: Marcella like popping and locking on set?
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Did you like that would have been funny?
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: I don't know. I had like padding and wigs and
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: the latex took hours hours, so I was all hot
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: we'll get to that, but you okay, so, yes, you
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: were so.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: Anyway I would.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: I figured out that we street dancers knew how to
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: do something that everybody else couldn't, and so choreographers would
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: literally like I'm in Prince videos, Belinda Carlisle video, like
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: my god.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like you imagine Prince videos.
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was, it was. It was just like that
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: was my job. They would put in a cassette tape. Yes,
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: cassette tape. I said, that's how old we are, and
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: they would push play and they'd say go and you'd
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: bring your own mix and you would just dance on whatever. Yeah,
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: and then they'd put you in a video aside from
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: the like legit dancers and the performer, then they'd have
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: like a break dancer, a locking in. So it was
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: it was pretty cool. You lived what we saw in
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: an MTV music video.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: You were like walking with your shit on your shoulder,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: your backpack and your you know, not even bottled water
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: because we didn't carry around bottle water those days, and.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Showing up and like I got some ship and you
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: throw down.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: I'm an extra and breaking too, electric book, electric boil,
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: and yes.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I'm remember by the way, anything that I needs that
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: that I think needs a part two. I call it
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: electric Boogoloo, you know, like Titanic to Electric Boogloo.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: Whatever it is.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, you really do have this wonderful history.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: One of our most wonderful times of our generation. I
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: mean the eighties and its music were so was so
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: specific and never really recreated.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: No, it was so electic, Like the David Bowie tour,
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: Tony Basil choreographed it.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, Tony Basil, Hey, Mickey, you blow my mind.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: Pop and Taco who is the one who taught Michael
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: Jackson had to do a lot of his dance moves.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: His name was Bruno Falcone and he was super sweet.
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: There was like super Latino street group. But it was
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: so inter racial too. It was just it was just
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: a magical, magical time when people of color had amazing opportunities.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: And so Tony Basil was like, hey, do you want
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: to audition to dance with David bow And I'm like, sure,
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: is my rent still do? Yeah, I'll go. That was
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: my motivation. I'm saying, yes, I didn't really know David.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: But see that you said a magic word there, that's
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: survival instincts. Which are our generation and we have do
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: we ever really let go of it? Here we are
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: in this chapter of life. You have a teenager at home.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: And you have a podcast. I have a prime transitioning
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: and surviving people. This is what we do.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: We do we survive.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Do you continue to put your own feed over your
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: own fire or do you feel society placed into putting
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: our feet over a certain fire?
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: Both? I think both. I think the gen X part
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: of us is like, all right, pivot, where I gotta go,
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: where I gotta do. I'm currently shadowing directors right now
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: because if you don't want me in front of the camera,
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: then I'll be behind the camera. I mean, what do
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: you need me to do? And I think that's part
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: of our what makes us so full and rounded as people,
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: and society puts on you know, what you should do,
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: what you should accomplish as well.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: I also think that they put it.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: It puts a timeline, a time frame on us, and
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: we keep defying that time frame. Meaning I feel that
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: our generation of women or just even when you get
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: to this chapter of life, because millennials, you're headed there,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: so like.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: None of us gets out of this a lot.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: No, do you want everybody to walk right into the ship.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: And what I'm saying is like, all of a sudden,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: the wording in the language is like the body's going.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: The job is da da da that you know, your
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: kids are leaving, the parents are transitioning themselves, whatever. And
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: it's like, we're not done. We're only in our fifty sixties.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: We're not forty fifty sixties, we're not retiring yet.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: So pivot is a part of life.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: And don't you think as women that we don't give
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: ourselves permission enough to pivot?
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: Yes? I think that well society, our generation society. Like
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: I talked to younger people and I'm like, listen, you
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: have as women, we have laws to protect us. Now.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: When we were growing up, we didn't have laws to
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: protect us. The glass ceiling was so much lower when
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: it was our time. Ethnic embracing people with different bodies,
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: different hair, different skin tone was not in our childhood.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: It literally happened as we were growing up, and so
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: it was repressive at first. And now it's expanded. And
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: as it's expanded, yes we're older, but we're ready to
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: take up that space. Every time there's an expansion, we
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: move into it. And so I think that we are
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: paving the way for future generations. The more we pivot,
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: the more we the more we transition.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Also, I think to just tap into your single parent
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: you have a career. Still, you're adding different things to
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: your career because I think no matter what you work in,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: what area of life you work in, you as your
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: children go off like mine, I'm an empty nester, one
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: still based out of home. The other one is living
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: his adult life and that identity.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: Of who am I?
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Now you've been a hustler your whole life. Now that
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: your daughter is leading, needing you less and less, you're
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: not in the relationship, which we'll move on to that anymore.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: So you're not this person's partner. You are this single woman.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Do you face this who am I? This identity loss,
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: this looking for the definition of your identity in other things?
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Or are you pretty good at saying no, I know
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: who I am, I know where I am and who
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: I am.
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: That's I think I am more I know who I
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: am than I ever have been before.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: And you just turned sixty and we're going to talk
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: about the fact that this bitch decided to celebrate her
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: sixtieth with a Satanira and for those of you who
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: don't know what that is, because I didn't even I
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: invented that.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: You've heard of it.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: King Signeta like a debutante party for the latinas when
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: you turn fifteen. She had one at sixty and call
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: it assistant Thaneta. Look at this picture right here of
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: all of us. I mean she didn't. She did the
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: whole thing. She did the dress, went and got the gown.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: She had the damask, myself, Gina Torres, Angelie Cabra, and
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Lisa Vidal. Where we went this is the best part.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: We went down to Santi Alley, which I all recommend
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: you guys going to find your next event gown because
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: it was so wonderful. We walk into this store, this
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: shop with all these King Signana dresses.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: You know, there are all these gowns or whatever.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: So I walk in and I say to the lady,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: can I see that dress up there? And she's like,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: that's for King Signena, and I said, I now she
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: goes for somebody who is fifteen.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I know, just get me the extra large
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: and let me just try this on.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, all right, let's see, let's zip this
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: bit shop and let's.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: Do it, and we had the time of our lives.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: I am so mad that I missed that day with
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: you guys.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: That's right, you had cod i' me.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: I had COVID And I'm so bummed out because to
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: see the rainbow of Latini Dad that rolls into this
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: store and the age that we all are.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: I'm totally and just imagine taking five of your besties,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: you know, you go to Applebee's and get a drink
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: and then.
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: Go the icons.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, well all of you at Santani they didn't know,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: they didn't care. They just like, we gotta figure out
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: how to put this fucking fifty year old woman in
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: this dress for a fifteen year old.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: All right, let's do this.
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: Poofy drug I did I make smaller weights the Poofyre
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: it is, by the way, let's talk Poofy.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: You saw the beautiful red gown. She had never had
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: a King Signeta.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: She wanted it.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: She decided to celebrate herself. Now at this stage in
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: life as well, we don't celebrate ourselves.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I know enough.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: What brought you to the decision of having this king
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Signana before yourself? Because I think this was so I
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: cried at your thing when you said your speech, and
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: you said, when I was fifteen, I never had a
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: king signana, and I really grew up not even knowing
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: what one was. And anybody in our culture like knows
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: what a king signina is. So how did you come
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: to this decision of celebrating you in this way at
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: a mile marker of sixty. Well it was a combination.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: Again, I was trying to do a public service as well.
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: So like I'd never have had for birthday parties, I
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: had one throne for me from when I was forty.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: I had a dinner when I was fifty, and that's it.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: That's it, that's it.
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: And so I mean, like a dinner, but not can't
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: be that fifty, But there was all the forty nine
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: birthdays before that is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, again,
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: I was fifth on the list. Yeah, so I thought, okay,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: this is a milestone. But then also what the Latino
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: community is going through right now. I thought, I'll only
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: do this if it's a fundraiser. I don't need any gifts,
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: I don't need anything. And nobody in my family had
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: ever been to a kinsigneta. Wow, and I'm fifth generation,
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: so a lot of the Latinidad has been assimilated. Yes,
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: we're such highbreds now it's hard to like focus. And
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: I thought, I gave my daughter the option of having one,
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: and she's no.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: And then I didn't even ask.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, Sophie. Sophie would have said a hard pass
• 21:07
  Speaker 3: on it.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: I'm sure I know.
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: I was like, oh, I kind of wanted it for me,
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: but because I was going to learn something right, I
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: was gonna pivot again and something. But she didn't want one.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: She didn't want to sweet sixteen, And I went, will
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: somebody needs to have maybe sant Danieta And I actually
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: think we we we went back and forth, what is the.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: Word for Santa Nana Sandanieda, San Danieda?
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: Like we landed on Yeah.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: I had a debate with all of them.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: It was a magically fun evening and it was it
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: was but you know you, what other little thing in
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: life do you say you do to celebrate you that's
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: not on that scale, because I think we need to
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: like get ideas from each other going to the sposure.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: What other little ways do you celebrate you?
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: Do you have one?
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: No?
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: You need more? See that's it.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: I bring this up because I feel like we need
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: to hone in on that a little bit and in
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: our lives, like we just need to steal ideas from
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: each other. What do you do to celebrate you? Because
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: I don't think we do it enough. I mean, that's
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: a great question. I you know what, when I really
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: want to celebrate me, I say no to a lot
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: of stuff. If i don't want to go to your
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: thing because I'm not going to bring my best, most
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: attentive version to it, because I'd rather be in my
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: pjs on my couch.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna do that, you know what.
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: YEA, that is genius. That is something. It's so interesting too,
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: Like when you're older, your own company is good. It
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: you start to love your own company. Like I can
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: be alone, but I'm not lonely.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: Because I'm just with me.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: And I also think as mothers we spend a lot
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: Also as performers, you spend a lot of time putting
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: all this energy out, yes, and sometimes just holding the
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: energy for you is the gift.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: And I know my best friend Tina, who is my
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: little sidekick on the show. She's a recurring Tina was
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: raised as a single child. Tina is like the more
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: people in my space. You know who else is like
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: that is our girl Eva. Eva's like that too. The
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: more people in Tina's space the better. When I was like,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: I don't want people, Tina's like, I want twenty people
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: to come over this Friday to swim in my pool
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: every Friday for the month, for the months of summer.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: No, because that's what she is, that's.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: What she needs.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Well, but then she's she's an only, She's an only.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: Oh yah.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: These social skills like are super important in their life
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: and my daughter's and only as well. And I figured
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: the biggest strategy because we're all again gonna die someday,
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: the biggest as sunshine. Yeah, well no, because once you
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: stop ignoring that, Yeah, every moment in life is truly precious.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: It counts, and you you become mindful, like how good
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: that coffee is? Yeah, And how good your hair looks
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: and the sparkle off your gloss. I mean, like everything
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: is a beautiful human interaction, beautiful view. It just makes
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: me celebrate life so much more. Yes, so, teaching my
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: daughter to have a good picker when it comes to friends.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I had a broken picker. I love that you use
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: that word me too. Let's talk about pickers.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: Oh god, okay, mine was wrong, so wrong. I can
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: tell you horror stories, like really bad ones. Oh, I mean,
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: like your best friend marries your boyfriend of six years.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: Yet out yes, she ain't your best friend.
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: No one arm And then your best friend from oh,
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: I don't know, third grade to high school ends up
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: sleeping with or dating every boyfriend that you liked before
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: you hooked up with them when she knew you liked
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: them during or right after.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: That's not that. Listen that first of all, I don't know.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: But who do I need to take my I need
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: to take off my whole beer. It's who are we
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: going after right now? Because there's two things in this.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: First of all, I was raised a daughter, the oldest
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: of three daughters, and my father never left a toilet
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: state up and his life never does.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: He lets his run there.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: But I'm telling you, women, I live by this on
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: so many levels. And I'm not saying I'm not a
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: flawed human. I'm just saying women need to know how
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: to be good women to other women. It doesn't mean
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: that we won't agree on everything, and it made me
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: mean that we'll grow apart and go our separate ways
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: have a falling out, but peacefully let each other go.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: But the stabbing in the back is something that I
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: will never understand, and it brings such a rage in
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: me when I see that.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: I don't get it. I don't get it.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: I think that's because you were raised by women, yeah,
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: and a great dad women around you. Yes. I think
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: that women's women are rare. Yeah, because they're not braggadocious.
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: They're not. They're kind of just being their own women.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: And I honestly did not have great women friends until
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: I became a mom in that interest, I was super
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: like again, super shy. I didn't have I used to
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: have a phobia of talking on the phone because I
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: didn't know how to get off and I was attracting narcissists.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: And I know that was back in the day. We're like, oh,
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: I got another call, I gotta go, and you don't
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: have another go.
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: No, there was no call waiting. I mean, I've had
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: this phobia for a very long time.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: See the gidding is the constant is so honest.
• 26:15
  Speaker 3: She could align and said she had call waiting. This
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: is from so what anyway, So to women who don't
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: necessarily have that good picker once you.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: We're talking about dating now, No, we're talking.
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: About finding other women.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Oh okay, we can talk about men later.
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: But when you find other women like moms, you're connecting,
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: not on a career, you're not competing. You're just trying
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: to raise a good human for the world. And that
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: gets a lot of the bs out of the way.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: And then you get touch your tiger moms and you're like, oh,
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: I don't have time for that because I'm so overwhelmed
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: being a mom And it's kind of like a natural selector.
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: And now, like you and our group and I have
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: different textremes that I started when my baby was two
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: years old, still going to this day that I am
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: so thankful for that I did not grow up with.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: But again, you survive, you pivot, you evolve, you transition,
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: and your life gets fuller and better.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I do think that your definition of the
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: kind of friends that you need changes. And it's not
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: for necessarily worse. It's just I think the friends I
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: need are this, you know, this level of commitment or whatnot.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: But let's talk about.
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: Thirty years of therapy on and off also helps. Just always,
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: I would advocate always, we do if just for check ins,
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: even if it you know what I had, I had
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: a girlfriend call me Today's because you're in my safe
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: space and I need to share.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: Something with you and on my drive in here, and
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: so that that was her therapy. I couldn't fix her problem,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: but I could be a place for her. And we
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: need those friends too.
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: But let's talk about being a broken picker and being single,
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: because you and I have shared some stories about day
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: dating in this chapter of life is its own fuck
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: upness and.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Kind of could it be great? Yeah, it's great because I.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Remember saying a woman saying to me a friend of mine,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: I lost a bet. I think I've shared this another episode.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: I lost a bet and she said, if you lose,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: you have to go on a dating app. I'll get
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: you set up. So I lost. She put me on
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: there and I was just like, no, I don't want
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: to do this. I don't want to and then my
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: control sound was like, you know what, I'll pick, just
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I'll pick okay, hold on, no, no, I was saying,
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: like looking at the app and of these guys were
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: coming forward, and I was like, okay, it's not bad.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: These are very viable gentlemen that are that are saying hello,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: They're not my type, but viable, you know, gentlemen that
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: are saying bab well hello. Bob was like clamming at
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: these two middle aged women over here.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: Girl, it sucks on the apps.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: You're not middle aged. Are you on the app? You're
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: on the app.
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: I'll give you advice. You're thirty something year old. Self
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: world is his He's a fetus. He's basically a fetus.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: The app was built for you. You are a fetus, baby,
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: you are young and beautiful.
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: Anyway, I was like I got was like, no, okay,
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: just I'll pick you hold on and I just like
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: look through and find but tell me your greatest because
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: you I love it.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: When you're like I got it.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: She we're on a text thread and she will say like, okay,
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: so I have a date on Tuesday. I'm like oh,
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: and we all wait to hear and she's like, oh, no,
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: you know whatever it is. What's your best best story?
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: What's your biggest surprise of what best worst story?
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: Yes, best worst story? We love these.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: Well, no, I mean it's just look, please don't polish
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: this turn.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: If there's a turn, just tell us the story.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: Just say the benefit of these apps, yes, go ahead.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: Is that you have a high turnover? Okay? You you you,
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: it's so much right that you're like, no, no, no,
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: he's not horrible. No no, no, no, no no no,
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: it's just like number and you're like, I did not
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: know there was this many humans out in the world, right,
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: And so when you do go, oh is that a
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: bad photo?
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Is he okay?
• 30:12
  Speaker 3: And you're like, oh, but the verbiage on who he
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: is and like it's like, oh, but he's thoughtful, or
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: he's smart, or he's he's had a decent I won't
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: have to pay his rent, Okay, I'll meet him. And
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: then so I've learned to take none of it personal
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: good right, if it's if you're a man, this is
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: what I know at my age, you're a match or
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: you're not. It's not personal at all. And so with
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: that mentality it's easier. But then when you pick something
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: that is definitely faulty advertising, but when you show up
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: you think.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: It's good, like pictures that were clearly taking a good
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: decade and a half again, like who's this motherfucker?
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: He's ball from I don't mind ball give me up. No,
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: I'm just saying don't tell me you got like this,
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: you know, fabian hair, fabio hair.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: And he's like, dude, you're what happened. What happened?
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: No, No, here's the thing. Fine, fudge on your photo,
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: Lie on your photo. Take it from a distance, your
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: best angle, whatever. But when you roll up in what
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: looks like was at the bottom of your closet for
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: a very long time, that it's collected dust and food
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: and all kinds of crap all over it, or either
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: your eyes are so bad you can't see the crumbs
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: and flakes and dandroff and everything. That is just another
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: layer on your cashmere sweater. It's cashmir, I can tell you.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: It's not cashmere. It was just dandro It was furry.
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: It was furry, and that was the layer, food and
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: dust and dead on top. No dead cell. It gets
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: better because I think, well, he was very proud of
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: who he was, and so he didn't maybe want to
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: put in any effort. We're just meeting for coffee. It's
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: not like I'm expecting a tucks but just clean.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's even worse. If you're just meeting for coffee,
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: you could have worn something simple and clean.
• 32:06
  Speaker 3: Clean. Yeah, Like, is that too high a bar, no clean,
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: he was not, and then then the crazy give me
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: your hand. He goes, do you feel that? And I
• 32:20
  Speaker 3: was like I didn't know what to say, and he's
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: holding my hand. I was like, yeah, what do you say?
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: You don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but you're like Soshio,
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: like dirty and your photos don't match and you're touching
• 32:39
  Speaker 3: me and I'm not feeling anything, and I don't want
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: to be mean.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I don't know if I gonna hold it.
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: I was like I said yeah, but I don't know
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: what I was saying. Yeah too. It's like that scene
• 32:53
  Speaker 3: in Bridesmaids when Kristin Wiggs she's like, I'm gonna meet
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: this other guy and John Hamm is like, oh can
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: he do this?
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: And he grabs her.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: And he just starts like manhandling her tit and she's like,
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: yes he can.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: I don't know. It was not a match. I can't.
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: I'm mad.
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: Listen, I'm gonna have something to say if it were.
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: But it is amazing when you put out there. I
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: remember something very simple too. It don't you think that
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: have you gotten better with your bar? You know you're
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: you're I mean, listen, that's not even a bar. That's like, dude,
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: you just show up clean. But have you gotten have you?
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: Have you made more compromises so high maintenance. I need clean,
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: the clean guy.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: With less cat hair on you.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: But I I remember thinking, I have to keep my
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: mind open and make sure that I don't fall into
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: that pattern.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: I'm like, does he have enough tattoo?
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: So he's got to I see, maybe he's got something
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: I can't see whatever, Like I had to get rid
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: of all that. Maybe you know somebody that's out of
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: my prepper. But I also remember something as simple as
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: there was a gentleman that we reached out.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: We laughed for a second.
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: Because you could text on the app yes, and call
• 33:57
  Speaker 3: on the app, which I loved, and if that app
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: would love to sponsor us.
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: It was hinge anyway, But I.
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: Remember membership, She took minds up for renewal.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: Perfect timing, Constince Marine. Ne's a hook up. But I
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: remember the whole other episode.
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: We're going to do multiple installments, yes, we so, I
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: remember I said, he said, hey, but if we meet,
• 34:20
  Speaker 3: you know, tomorrow, And I said, how about if we.
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: Have a phone call first?
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, and he said, okay. Sure.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: We had a date to meet on the telephone to
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: talk and about and so I cleared my schedule to
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: be home that time. So he said, hey, about twenty
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: minutes before I'm in the studio, I'm running late. Can
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: we push to eight o'clock? And I said sure. Eight
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: o'clock comes and goes, and he says, hey, I'm not
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: able to talk right now. Do you want to push
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: at ten o'clock to nine thirty? And I said, I'm
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: going out. I was going nowhere and I was like,
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: I was like, I need to look busy. I was
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: going nowhere and he said, okay, do you mind if
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: we go out tomorrow or talk tomorrow night? I said
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: that's fine because I'm going out tonight, so I don't
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: go anywhere. And he texts me if He's like, well,
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: don't get into any trouble. And I was like, okay,
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: so now he's discussing with me. And I said, well
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: that wouldn't be any fun, you know whatever, blah blah blah.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: But we had our date to talk the next night.
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: Stood my ass stood my ass up for a phone call.
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: For a phone call, can I just need go ahead
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: a phone call.
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: The bar is so high on time, clean and call.
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: Me when you said you're gonna help.
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: He's the thing. This is what I figured out, because again,
• 35:32
  Speaker 3: nothing's personal. I'm looking for patterns. One you can tell
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: if somebody has a big corral, that means there's a
• 35:39
  Speaker 3: lot of ponies and they're not keeping up with the conversation. Yes,
• 35:42
  Speaker 3: they're setting times that they can't make. They are giving
• 35:46
  Speaker 3: you like two lines of hey, how's your Thursday, and
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: then they don't get back to you until it's Saturday
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: and Sunday. And you're like, dude, just if you can't
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: handle the workload, then shorten your load.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: But and then also, I must be the oldest women
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: women on the apps.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: We are not.
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm the oldest woman on the app.
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: If one more person goes, oh, you must have tons
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: of guys, I'm like, no, I don't. I don't eye
• 36:14
  Speaker 3: contact with the camera. I don't know what you think
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: is happening, but it's not happening.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: And do you do you you're not going to give up.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: You deserve love.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: But your bar is set in the right place, and
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: we don't. I will say that, you know. I eventually
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: found my guy on the app and we've been together
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: for four years now, and had I not and you know,
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: and love him, and had I not kept my bar
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: because listen, I think women we just start to you know.
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: And by the way, how.
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: Hard was it dating? Does Lena know you're on the apps?
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: Your daughter?
• 36:47
  Speaker 3: So I didn't share with her.
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: No, nither did neither did I want to.
• 36:50
  Speaker 3: Have a lot of stuff. But I realized that I
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: had sort of like an on again, off again thing
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: that was perfect for the time because I was together
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: with somebody for eighteen years. I need a break, I
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: need to find me. But I had a little space
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: for something else for.
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: A little while.
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: And I didn't share any of that with my daughter.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: You don't need to.
• 37:09
  Speaker 3: And then I realized she's a teenage girl now and
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: she's starting to date, but she doesn't have an example
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: of what a healthy love would look like. So I said, okay,
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: I need to let her in a little bit of
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: what's going on. And so I would start be like
• 37:26
  Speaker 3: I didn't like, be like, here's your mama on all
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: these apps. I was like, Oh, he's cute. Oh oh
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: I have a date. I this is what he is.
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: Just to give her a let her know what I
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: look for maybe she should look for, like what qualities
• 37:41
  Speaker 3: I think are important. So I was sort of doing
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: it as like an educational tool for her and letting
• 37:46
  Speaker 3: her in a little bit. So it was weird first,
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: but I think we've kind of got like a little
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: girlfriend vibe going on a little bit.
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: That's sweet, which is really sweet.
• 37:57
  Speaker 3: I didn't, you know. I think it's important for her
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: to know that I'm a human being. I think this
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: type of person is cute, and.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: There's been plenty of time from the end of the
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: relationship with their father that she is able to process
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: and grow from there.
• 38:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think it's it's helpful. It's almost like, here, girl,
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: there's my cliff notes of what I'm looking for. Maybe
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: you should look for that too.
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: Oh, good luck with that. Good luck with that.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: Of course, she just don't need no notes from midlife
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: women dating. It's like, yes, the same does.
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: Because if we could give her the cliff notes on
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: all the red flags that we.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: Have collected over the listen.
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: If we do that, we will have uncovered the holy
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: grail of women succeeding in life. I think because i
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I've definitely I will tell you this. I kept it
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: from my My son was already in college, actually out
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: in grad school. My daughter was a minute from college
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: at that point. So I'm like, okay, I can start didating.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Because I didn't date while they were well they were
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: for like seven eight years. I did one person after
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: my divorce, not great, and thought I didn't learn anything
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: about myself. So I was like, I need to be
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: alone and figure out what is it that I didn't
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: get that red flag that the cliff notes that I ignored.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: I had them, I lived them, and I still ignored
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: them walking into this dating with this one person. So
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: this time around, I thought, okay, it's been enough time.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: But I hit it from my daughter for several months
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: and then it's super vulnerable, and also I knew she'd
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: give me shit, like let's just like you become the
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: seventeen year old and I started really connecting with him.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: I fell in love with him, and I'm like, how
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: am I going to get any private time with him?
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: So I would lie, I would became I literally got
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: full custody too, so I had no downtime. But I
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: started to say, I'm like, Constance is having a sleepover
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: with the girl, So I'm not going to be home tonight.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean? You're sleepovers in Santa Monica.
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: Does she live No, then, I don't know where she lives,
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: but I'll find out how Hollywood.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: She lives in Hollywood, and so and I would lie
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: just so I could have like a little overnight time
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: with him. And then one time, at one point she
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: walks in. It was only like, you know, six months in.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: She's like, you talking to somebody. I'm like no, no, no,
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: She's like mom, no, no, mom. And then she looked
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: at me and she goes, it's time.
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: And I was like, and she's like.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: I want to meet him. I was like, can we
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: just wait? She's like, I want to meet him. Literally,
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: he walks out, comes in to meet her for dinner
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: and she walks no. Lie walks out of her bedroom,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: goes like this, did you play sports? He goes no,
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: it's kind of a nerd.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: And she's like, okay, like that. And he's like a skateboarded.
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: She's like, he's nothing like your type. And I like that.
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: So, you know, it's it's a journey, but I feel
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: like this is where we we It's okay to show
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: our children with proper space you know, and and proper.
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: You know boundaries, which I know you have.
• 40:56
  Speaker 3: I know.
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: I'm a big believer in that we are allowed to love,
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: and we deserve to be loved and keeping.
• 41:01
  Speaker 3: There We're Look, we're role models and not just on
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: red carpets and in movies, in life as moms and
• 41:10
  Speaker 3: as flawed missy, complex, healing, strong humans. Yes, all the things,
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: all of the things I mean, we deserve to have
• 41:21
  Speaker 3: all our parts. We do as best as we can
• 41:24
  Speaker 3: navigate everything you do.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm glad you keep your bar set up
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: very high constance because you deserve nothing less.
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: We deserve nothing less.
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to go and turn the tables, turn
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: the tables on this close on this closing piece where
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: you get to, like, point blank ask all of the
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: girls out here listening, I like to call this, is
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: it just me? Or is anyone else?
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: Blank?
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: Well, is it just me? Or is anybody else losing
• 41:55
  Speaker 3: their eyebrows? I feel like, yes, I now understand a
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: line of dialogue from Postcards from the Edge that I
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: never understood when Shirley mcclan's like, don't let them bury
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: me without my eyebrows? Now I know I showed up
• 42:14
  Speaker 3: yesterday to set, and I was doing my own hair
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: and makeup and early, and I walk into set and
• 42:21
  Speaker 3: I went, I forgot my eyebrows. And I turned around
• 42:24
  Speaker 3: and I run back to the bathroom, like when the
• 42:27
  Speaker 3: camera operator comes into the bathroom, like I forgot my
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: got my eyebrows, and I went. Now I know what
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: Hirley mclan is.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: Happening circle, because it's what happens. I don't know. I
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: don't know.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: This is the joke that I made, and it's a
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: very serious joke, is that you're losing your eyebrows, but
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: they're coming in hot everywhere they're not supposed to be.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: Like I'm a billy goat, I don't understand what the
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: fuck is happening with hair.
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: But wait, but hold on.
• 42:54
  Speaker 3: In our defense, we're using super magnifying mirrors now at
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: this point in our life, only because we can't see
• 43:03
  Speaker 3: because other people can. I'm sure spot it.
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: A mile away.
• 43:05
  Speaker 3: Cares look bigger, okay.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: But they're near.
• 43:08
  Speaker 3: It's about the fact that they're not where they're supposed
• 43:10
  Speaker 3: to be. I don't need them coming out of my
• 43:13
  Speaker 3: mind going on up here.
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: But so the why are they falling off my face.
• 43:17
  Speaker 3: The mine is thin mine. I have half the hair
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: that I used to have.
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, believe it or not, I did too. Yeah.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: And when people say like you still have plenty enough firmily,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: you don't understand. Take it from your hair, you lose
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: half of it?
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: Would you be? You know, comfortable? But part of the journey.
• 43:32
  Speaker 3: But as women, you get pregnant your body. I look
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: back and go, how the hell did I get that? Kid?
• 43:39
  Speaker 3: How what did you fit in the air? Yeah? And
• 43:42
  Speaker 3: how did I have super luscious hair? And then how
• 43:44
  Speaker 3: did I have it all fall out? How did I
• 43:46
  Speaker 3: make milk out of these things?
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean it's just you just just magnanimous.
• 43:51
  Speaker 3: You appreciate your body more for are you sure gazing
• 43:58
  Speaker 3: it is? I could? I could lock and pop and
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: break dance and throw my body. I mean I feel
• 44:03
  Speaker 3: some of it now, but and still be able to
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: get into these at sixty. You know what I mean.
• 44:09
  Speaker 3: It's just we're fascinating human beings. If we look at it.
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: All, we are all right.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: I cannot thank you enough for this wonderful, beautiful conversation.
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: And this is why I say you need a girlfriend
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: like Constance in your corner. We all do women need
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: to feel this kind of love and connection, whether we're
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: walking in the exact same moments, This the constant reminder
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: that we need to feel this good one we're with
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: our girlfriend.
• 44:36
  Speaker 3: Yes. Yes, If you don't feel good when you walk
• 44:39
  Speaker 3: away from it, maybe it's not for you.
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 44:42
  Speaker 3: It's about if it's a match or not. And if
• 44:44
  Speaker 3: you do like, then get more.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're more, more of those kinds, more of those.
• 44:48
  Speaker 3: People feeling for everybody. Yes, what we should have?
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you, I love you, sister Constance, Marie.
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: How hard can it be?
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: With the Animadia Ariva is a hyphen a meeting a
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: group production in partnership with Iheartmifultura podcast Network. For more
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: of your favorite shows, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.